No one is really sure where big RSB came from, if he was born in the first place, or if he’s even human. One thing is for sure, though – he’s managed to combine the worst possible aspects of every sports commissioner and corporate overlord you can think of into one distinctly inconsistent, media-insensitive, unlikeable package. Despite these shortcomings, the Distinguished President of the NHL (as he prefers to be referred to in casual conversation) has somehow shepherded the league through a decade of sustained growth and success, issuing his edicts from on high in the comfort of his superyacht permanently anchored just inside international waters off the coast of New Brunswick. Mr. Stern-Bettman (who bears a shocking resemblance to Bud Selig) typically only makes one annual public appearance at the NHL draft, an opportunity relished by all as a chance to loudly boo him and pelt him with rotten fruit, something which he claims to enjoy.

A grizzled veteran of Stat-O-Matic, office March Madness bracket challenges, and pen-and-paper pick ‘em pools, Kirk saw an opportunity to create the ultimate fantasy sports league from the ashes of the Nerve Center, itself a long-standing organization with pre-electronic pen-and-paper roots. Setting up the initial investment and organization, he committed to an active role as league vice president and promised to keep his hands dirty, quickly finding a league president in Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman and recruiting potential franchise owners. With the creation of an additional Vice President position, Kirk established about an equitable division of labor, even retiring from his career to focus full-time on running the league. Over the years, the scope of the league has greatly expanded, but Kirk continues to function in a classic administrative role, sending out massive chain emails with no bearing on a majority of the recipients, complaining about his subordinates, and refusing to use logic or reason when making any major decisions that effect everyone else in the organization.

Official Responsibilities:

NHL CFO / Official League Treasurer / Chief Recruitment Officer / Global Brand Manager

Unofficially:

Sub-under Chair Temporary Media Guy

NHL vice-official of nostalgia

Originally “hired” as an unpaid intern, Will was given the symbolic title of co-Vice President to keep him happy, and was initially designated as the webmaster and nothing more. As time has gone on, Will has become the ultimate gopher/fixer, and while continuing to run the technological side of the operation, is also responsible for record-keeping, conflict mediation, draft day operations, and perhaps most notably, keeping Atom Shuffler in check. Since 2017, he’s taken on many, many, MANY more additional roles (listed below in their entirety), and still also gamely tries to maintain his own franchise with middling success, but if there was ever an example for “overworked and underpaid”, it would be this guy.

Official Responsibilities:

Director of Team and Media Relations / NHL Webmaster / NHL Tech Support Specialist / Day-To-Day Operations Manager

Unofficially:

Office of Team and Player and League and Sometimes Also Media Relations Department, Lead Vice President of Operations

VP with an unnecessarily long title that includes Media Relations

Executive League Vice President of a Bunch of Stuff that Also Includes Something About Media

League Media VP something-or-other

Vice something-or-other

Vice Media President Man

Vice Executive Something, and also I signed Atom's bond paperwork so we all have to make sure he goes to court next month

Very Cold

Please, no flashing lights or loud noises, doctor's orders.

VP of Playoff Seeding Determination Poll Committee and Head gravy taste-tester

Chief Junior Vice Playoff Seeding Executive, and League Head of Angry Tirades Against ESPN’s Web Development Team

Honestly, I can't remember what title I'm supposed to make up for myself at this point.

VP of Media Relations

NHL Vice Co-President of Junior Marketing and Media Operation of News and Other Relations

The real National Holley League co-Junior Vice President of Media Operations

NHL Executive Vice President of Poorly Implemented Ideas

Vice League President of doing bad personnel decisions

NHL Roster Regulation Enforcer and trained Virginia Commercial Motor Vehicle Inspector (no, really)

League Vice President of Ridiculous Titles

League President of being stuck in quarantine for the second time in 45 days

League Vice President of Obscure Rules Creation and Development

League VP of timeliness

League VP of Gravy Operations

League Timekeeper (but not in charge of the calendar)

NHL Stunt and Performance Driving Liaison

NHL VP of Subscription-model content 

League Vice President of Well-Wishes and Greetings

NHL Co-Executive Junior Vice President of Ridiculous Titles 

NHL League VP/email coordinator

NHL VP of late email communications

NHL league local law enforcement liaison

NHL Vice President of not my place to comment

NHL co-something or other

League VP of holiday-based celebrations

Junior Director, Fantasy Sportswriters' Sanity Council

NHL VP of holiday-time greetings

NHL VP of timekeeping

NHL VP of holiday gift-giving

NHL VP of standings arithmetic and also holiday greetings

NHL VP of spam email

NHL Co-junior Vice President of Communication Operations

NHL Stupid email Signature Czar

NHL co-Commissioner and Australasian Market Liaison

NHL official storm chaser meteorologist 

NHL lead travel coordinator

NHL Central Organizational Director (not)

NHL Hanging Chad Prevention Liason

NHL lead insomnia research subject

NHL director of nutritional plan modifications

NHL Lead Enforcer, Postseason Participation Department

NHL VP of Politically Correct Terms for Wintertime Holiday Celebrations

NHL director of charter flights, in partnership with JetBlue 

NHL Acting Junior Director of Press Relations

NHL Co-Junior Vice President of Operations and Management

Assistant Deputy Director of NHL Press Relations, Mid-Atlantic Region

LNH vice-Président Junior des Opérations de la Ligue, et chef de cuisine

NHL Interim President of Executive Operations

NHL Head Candy Taste Tester

NHL Co-vice Junior Chair of Communications

NHL Social Committee Chairperson

NHL Director of Efficiency and Schedule Management

NHL official gravy taste tester

NHL Director of Statistical Analysis and Arithmetic

NHL VP of Mathematical Calibrations and Compilations, Weights and Measures Office

NHL resident elf

Official NHL Fugitive Recovery Agent (licensed to bounty hunt in 27 states and 3 provinces) 

NHL VP of Seasonal Transition Operations

NHL Manager of Emerging Technologies

NHL Vice President of Labor Negotiations

NHL Director of Health Services

NHL VP of Ghostbusting and Exorcism / League Liaison, Occult Relations 

unofficial NHL Poll Watcher

NHL VP of Mathematical Number Crunching

NHL official fight sports liaison

NHL official turkey baster

NHL co-Executive Junior Vice President of Innovation 

NHL Vice President of Scheduling Operations

NHL Junior Director of Warmest Holiday Wishes

NHL Special Temporary Council to the Human Rights Ombudsman, and also at the same time Temporary Assistant Historical Records Technician, Level P-6 Contractor

Official NHL Human Test Subject in the field of Sleep Deprivation Research

NHL Executive Vice President of Talent Relations / NHL Head Booker, Head of Creative 

NHL Director of Executive Protection / Unofficial League Armorer and also Tester of Questionable Hot Wings At Your Local Bar 

NHL Co-Junior Executive Vice President of Roster Management / Official NHL Legal Counsel 

NHL Vice President Of East Coast Television And Microwave Programming

NHL Director of Nautical Vessel Competition 

NHL Official Urban Legend Historian

NHL Director of Logistical Operations

NHL Junior Vice President of Post-Season Operations 

NHL Official Representative of Finishing in Fifth Place Every God Damn Year No Matter What

Official NHL Christmas Elf