2021

Welp, boys and girls, it’s that time again. I spent the cold winter and somehow even colder spring holed up in my trailer paradise, unwilling to venture out even to the store for fear of contracting The Big Rona for yet another year. It’s probably just as well that they wouldn’t let me across the border to come thaw out with you Yanks at my normal winter warming spot halfway between Kissimmee and Pensacola, as I had some excess bathtub gin and about 80 kilos of surplus moose jerky that needed a good home (down my gullet). As another season of exciting NHL action kicks off, I find myself once again sequestered in the league’s satellite offices here in Regina, watching and covering the games from afar. It sounds like maybe my BMIP (Big Man In Parliament) and your prez might be coming to an agreement to let dysfunctional washed-up sports journos cross the CBP line along with the athletes, so maybe I can get back to sitting in the stands with the capacity crowds while we all once again cough and sneeze on each other to our heart’s content. I’ll even trade someone two gallons of Alberta Premium and a book of 10 Timmies’ coupons to crash for a week on their couch just so I can take a shower using running water again – my hookups aren’t working and I think the town cut off my water anyway because I haven’t paid the hydro bill since Stevie Harper was the PM. You know what they say here in Saskatchewan, don’t put down a salt lick and say you ain’t got cows. Anyway, I’ve already had a whole bottle of brown and my vision is starting to go double, so let’s get this show on the road before I pass out at my desk again.

First, one or two orders of housekeeping. As you may or may not have seen the headlines on BSPN (or just SPN here north of border), the league announced they have added two expansion franchises, taking the league to 12 teams. Due to the unique year-to-year nature of fantasy football, a dispersal draft was thankfully not necessary (pretty sure that would have been beyond the mental capacity of our league president, the dishonorable Roger Stern-Bettman, to organize) so the regular drafting procedure commenced, with some gentle modification to level the playing field for our new organizations. The draft went mostly without any problems, and this was even the first year that it didn’t have to be stopped halfway through a round for some cockamamie reason like “I didn’t pick the guy I picked, the dang internet machine picked some other guy instead!” This may have been due to the shockingly low number of GM’s that actually participated live, with one (GM and league VP of drafting software Will) being unable to connect due to an actual hurricane, and another (GM Grant) not having a fundamental grasp of the concept of time or clocks and how they work in different parts of the world (aka being one time zone over). Since the computers did a bulk of the drafting, the picks were mostly very sensible and balanced, giving the awards committee very little material to work with when determining the winner of the Grant Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award for the most questionable draft decision of the year. The committee briefly considered awarding it to Mark and Knute Rockme for loading up on mid-grade RB’s, as well as Kirk and Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child for going with a 3-TE setup, a fantasy strategy that has been repeatedly proven in this league to flat-out just not work real good. In the end though, this year’s recipient of the Grant Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award goes to Steph and BlahBlahBlah for their 5th round pick of K Justin Tucker, a gross overreach far too early in the order. This behavior has actually been going on in previous years and been ignored, so it was only a matter of time before this happened. Overall, it’s actually not a total bomb of a move, but it’s also…not great. Congratulations!

Week 1 was an all divisional matchup week, and since we’re starting at square one, let’s go alphabetical and kick things off in the Keenan Division, starting with the newly christened LLL taking on God’s Country in a father-son battle for Holden family dominance. Triple L was certainly looking to hang an “L” on his old man’s record, and was helped in his quest to do so by some excellent pass-catching performances by WR’s DeAndre Hopkins (26) and Chris Godwin (25). Signal-caller Patrick Mahomes added 32 in a great outing, LLLifting (see what I did?) the squad to 165. For God’s Country, veteran QB Tom Brady (26) and newbie WR CeeDee Lamb (24) had very good days, but the team was hampered by injuries to RB Saquon Barkley and WR Brandon Aiyuk, who combined for just 3 enroute to the elder Holden posting just 119. The 46-point gap means that, of course since it’s Week 1, LLL takes home the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award; God’s Country gets the not-so-coveted “Soda Can” award along with the unfortunate The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for low score of the year. The Todd Squad can still hold their heads up high – 119 is a totally legitimate score and really only has to be awarded by default, and both their unfortunate marks will surely be eclipsed by other teams’ truly woeful performances in the weeks to come.

Next up, last year’s pretty good Hair43 took on last year’s pretty bad (and also newly renamed) Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad. This one was an absolute nail-biter, with the Hair boys coming out strong. The receivers and backs all posted very respectable numbers and the Panthers defense had a great outing, with 2 takeways and 6 sacks getting them 23 points. For BSPS, it was all about the ground game, with RBs Dalvin Cook (22) and Nick Chubb (23) keeping those legs churning and finding pay dirt 3 times between them. Late Monday, it all came down the QB Lamar Jackson for Hair43 trying to close the gap, while the Sycamore sort-of Spartans and the Raven D looked to keep them at arm’s length. In the end, the game was decided by a single point, as the Bishop Sycamore boys (or are they men?) squeaked out a one-point win, before moving on to the next game on their schedule, just 36 hours later against cross-state juco fantasy squad “Tebow­_Train_Comeback_2022”.

Our third pairing saw newcomers the Destroyers taking on last year’s runners-up, the Kale Kings. For a first-time squad, the Destroyers looked like a team that had been together for years, with solid performances across the board. Last year’s fantasy QB darling Josh Allen hung 22 points, and rookie WR Jamarr Chase had a 100-yard day and a TD grab for a 20-point performance. For Dan and KK, QB Russell Wilson had a very nice 24-point day, RB Dandre Swift was all over the field with 23, and RB Joe Mixon finally lived up to fantasy expectations and scored 24 of his own. Even with two 5’s on the card, this was enough to put Kale Kings over the top, as the established power franchise gave a not-so-warm welcome to the new guy in town.

Across the aisle in the Wayne Division, let’s kick things off with defending champs NoKe (brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook) (use promo code NOKECHAMPS for CAD$126.58 in free bets when you make a qualifying deposit using MooseCoin, not valid in Nova Scotia or Puerto Rico) taking on the much less confusingly-named Knute Rockme. This was a close game, but we have to start with team Rockme and the elephant in the room – QB Aaron Rodgers. The center of much off-season media focus, the perennial fantasy god came out week 1 and scored just 2 points. 133 air yards and 2 picks does not a franchise QB make. The other big names certainly came out and took up the slack, however, as WRs Adam Thielen (30) and Tyler Lockett (26) both had 90+ yard, 2TD days each. TE Darren Waller (26) also had 100+ and snagged one in the end zone, netting Knute Rockme a very strong 142. For, uhh, N(btybDKS)(upcNfC$126.58ifbwymaqduMC,nviNSoPR) – not a typo, I think – WRs Cooper Kupp and Antonio Brown both had 23 point outings, and criminally undervalued TE T.J. Hockenson had 97 yards and a TD on the way to getting 25. With all the scores totted up, it came down to the wire, but the defending champs prevailed, 144-142. Great matchup, really fun to watch.

Next up, BlahBlahBlah hosted our other new team, 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck, a team for which I need to come up with a snappy nickname or acronym so I don’t have to type another monstrosity like the last one. (Co-commish editorial insert – Bob has us all beat, I think he’s got the best mascot/logo in the league right now. - W) This one was all about the quarterback position, with a duel taking place between first-year starter (and former HS and NCAA powerlifter) Jalen Hurts, and fellow two-sport athlete (first ever two-sport All-American!) Kyler Murray. Both mobile threats under center dazzled, combining for 7 passing TD’s, more than 500 air yards, more than 80 rushing yards, and a rushing TD. Murray’s 34 beat Hurts’ 32, but it was a great battle between them. The rest of the matchup was similarly even, with more consistency on the side of 80/40/30 while the ever-peaky BBB had a pair of 26’s but several low numbers as well. In the end, it wasn’t all talk as BlahBlahBlah edged out 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck, 134-129.

Finally, we had what I’m calling the Bottom Of The Barrel Bowl, as last year’s last place (and freshly christened) Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child visited last year’s second-to-last place Council of Steel. Impressively for the Jeopardy host’s squad, QB Dak Prescott had a 400-yard performance with 3 TD, netting 30, and WR Tyreek Hill went crazy, with just a hair under 200 yards and a score, getting him 36. That said, this game was a total microcosm of why GM Kirk drafted first this season, with high peaks and a decent overall score not mattering, as the Council just went stupid and posted outrageous numbers making the opposition irrelevant. Sure, RB J.D. McKissic had a goose egg, but how about 20 from RB Melvin Gordon, 25 from TE Travis Kelce, and 27 from QB Derek Carr, and oh wait, there’s more, 38 from WR Amari Cooper. That’s good enough to take home the “You Got Rocked” Award for the best single-game performance from an individual player, and it propelled the team to 171 points, easily netting them the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for what is so far the best score of the year enroute to a convincing victory.

That’s all I have for you this week. Deer season may start in a few weeks down south of the border, but it’s already beaver season here, and I can see a bigun chewing on my neighbor Terry’s 2x4 trailer supports. He needs those since he pawned the axles off over the winter so he could afford the satellite bill, and I told him I’d make sure his place stayed up off the ground as long as I could splice in and steal some signal. You know guns are illegal here, and it’s gonna take me 5 or 10 minutes to set up the crossbow, so I’ve got to go before that bucktooth bastard gets away. See you next week –

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Another week of cooling weather across the land, both there in the “Land of the Free” and here in Home of the “Eh”. My typically drunk and disorderly neighbor Donnie has come to visit me here at the NHL league satellite office, although I think instead of wanting to hang out with me he really just wants to rip out the copper pipe in the walls to sell for beer and pepperoni money. What can you do - times are tough and with the cold Canadian winter getting ready to set in, a fellow’s got to be prepared for the season. If Cousin Jim has a spare moose haunch I’ll ask him to send it Donnie’s way, or maybe he can sell spliced satellite TV signals back in the trailer park again for some extra cash. I’ll bring it up tonight when we go out to watch curling at the bar. I of course didn’t watch any curling this past weekend, however, because my eyes were glued to the screen with NHL action. Let’s get into it.

Another divisional week, and this time we start of in the Wayne, with Knute Rockme visiting Council of Steel. The Council was strong and consistent, with several very good performances from RB JD McKissic (20), QB Derek Carr and WR Brandin Cooks (22 each), and TE Travis Kelce (23). I think the highlight of this lineup, though, was the great 17-point performance from the kicker spot and transplant Daniel Carlson, who booted 4 FG’s and 2 conversions. Team Rockme was much more up and down, with a 2 at both WR and RB. However, the lineup also turned in a 31 at the WR spot with Tyler Lockett, and a mind-melting 47 from RB Derek Carr. That’s enough for Knute Rockme to take home the “You Got Rocked” Award and the W in this one. Both teams move to 1-1.

Next up, we had Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child hosting 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck. For the 843, it was all a numbers game. The second-lowest score of the week (and the season) had surely scuttled the Mathemeticians, but they had the good fortune of facing the lowest score around in 2021. Yes, the Packeroni once again let down GM Kirk, but it wasn’t for lack of trying on the part of RB Aaron Jones, who put up 40 points. Unfortunately for team A-rod Proginy (A-rogniy?), that’s basically where the scoring stopped. With only 94 points to the good, QB Jalen Hurts and WR DJ Moore’s 21’s were good enough to propel 843 to a 99-point victory score. You know it’s a bad game when neither squad breaks the fantasy football Mendoza line. GM Kirk gets The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award. Booooo. Do better.

Finally in the Wayne, NoKe took on BlahBlahBlah. The defending champs had a few nice performances, including 20 from TE TJ Hockensen and a fantastic 37 from WR Cooper Kupp. NoKe left it until late though, setting up the come from behind victory. Triple B had set the mark high, with 24 from RB Christian McAffery and 34 from soon-to-be baseball player Kyler Murray. In the end, it wasn’t enough, as NoKe prevailed and moved into the lead of the Wayne.

In the Keenan, we start with God’s Country versus Hair43. God’s Country had a pretty typical scorecard for a 2014 team - bulk of your points coming from a strong D/ST and Tom Brady together, and this week was no different (26 each). The rest of the lineup, while serviceable, probably left GM Todd thinking there was more he can do. For Hair 43, it was QB Lamar Jackson that ran up the numbers, giving Hair the W 149-136.

Next on the list we have LLL taking on the Kale Kings. This one was a close matchup that really boiled down to a defensive battle. Both QB’s in Patrick Mahomes and Russell Wilson did a great job anchoring the lineups, scoring 25 and 24 respectively. LLL’s passcatchers Deandre Hopkins (15), Stefon Diggs (16) and Chris Godwin (16) all had nice outings, while Kale Kings’ RB Ezekiel Ellott (17) gave his squad some ground support. It was all about the other side of the ball though, with KK’s Pats D giving 25 while LLL’s Bills pass rush netted 6 sacks on the way to posting 30. In then end, it was Buffalo that gave LLL the edge in this one, and he’ll look to make it WWW next week in a bid to move to 3-0.

Finally, we’re taking a look at Destroyers versus the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad. The Destroyers started out slow, with the run game only scoring a total of 17 points and QB Josh Allen disappointing after last week’s performance. They came on strong on Monday night, however, with WR Davante Adams grabbing 20 in a great game. In the end, though, it was too little too late, as BSPS stacked double digits up and down the card, with WR Mike Williams (22), WR Mike Evans (24) and WR Terry McLaurin (27) snagging everything thrown their way and providing a bulk of the scoring. With the 155-101 final, Destroyers gets the unfortunate honor of taking ownership of the “Soda Can” Award for their 54-point margin of defeat, while BSPS takes home the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” award for their victory, along with moving into a tie for first in the division with LLL.

Well, that’ll about do it for me. I can hear Donnie opening the tool box outside on the back of his truck, so I need to act swiftly if I want to save the integrity of the plumbing here in the league office. I’ll let you all know if there are any new developments on that front. Until next week!

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

I hear a tropical earthquake or something came through everyone’s neck of the woods recently. Many of our East Coast-based GMs reported strong rain, winds and flooding over the last two weeks or so, and a portion of I-95 near GM’s Grant and Will was actually closed due it being under several feet of standing water. We don’t have that problem back home - when too much snow builds up on the 401 the degens from upcountry just take power sleds out on the freeway and do donuts. The further out from the cities you get the worse it becomes, as evidenced by Sasketchewan not plowing a single kilometer of roads last year and just putting out an ad campaign on the radio that only said “Just stick her in 4-wheel-drive bud, she’ll get traction.” It’s not as catchy as “click it or ticket”, “lock it or lose it”, or “turn around, don’t drown”, but I reckon it was every bit as effective and it really resonated with the locals. Now if they’d only do one about the raccoons (aka racins) and letting them eat your garbage, I’d be happy.

Another week of all-divisional matchups starts off with God’s Country on the road at Bishop Sycamore High facing the Practice Squad. BSPS was down a man as RB Dalvin Cook was a late injury scratch, rendering WR Mike Willams’ 33-point outing a total wasted effort. QB Kirk Cousins added 24 in a futile attempt to drag the team up by their boostraps. For God’s Country, QB Tom Brady once again proved to be an effective leader with 29, and RB Saquon Barkely (21) and WR DK Metcalf (22) did an excellent job in tandem with a very strong Saints D/ST (26) who scored a touchdown of their own to aid the team’s efforts. All in all, it was enough to get the Todd Squad their first win of the year, while BSPS falls to 2-1.

Next up, Kale Kings hosted Hair43. This one was a down-to-the-wire squeaker, one of two games this week decided by a single point. For the Follicle Force, QB Lamar Jackson (19) and RB Austin Ekeler (22) led the way, but not many followed. All 4 Hair43 passcatchers combined for just 26 total points - not a good day for the passing attack. On the KK side of the ball, it was also all about the run game, with RB Ezekiel Elliott (26) and 3rd RB Dandre Swift (23) contributing over half the team’s points. WR AJ Brown turned in a goose egg, and that might have been the difference, as the Hair takes this one 103-102.

Finally in the Keenan, the Destroyers came to visit LLL. The Destroyers’ volatile lineup proved true to form, with the highlights from the likely sources such as QB Josh Allen (35) and WR Davante Adams (31). The lowlights also came from the sources we have come to expect them from in 2021, like RB Leonard Fournette (5) and RB Tyson Williams (2). LLL had a little more stability in the lineup, with dual threat RB/WR Cordarelle Patterson (20), RB Kareem Hunt (27), WR Chris Godwin (19) and the Silver Fox, K Mason Crosby (16) all justifying their high but stable scoring floors. According to metrics generated by Scamazon Data Services, both coaches had overall efficiency ratings of 92 and 93%, the league’s highest of the season. In the end, my prophecy from last week came true, as LLL made it WWW and moves to 3-0.

Over in the Wayne and speaking of Scamazon metrics, we should probably also mention the GM with the lowest efficiency rating of the week, that being 80% Mental, 40% Physical and 30% Luck. The 843, despite having the most percentages in his team name, had the least percentage of efficiency, earning just a 78%. With only 8 players in the starting lineup and his bench nearly outscoring the starters 88-108, Team Bad Math dropped the ball on this one, with QB Jalen Hurts (21), WR DJ Moore  (20) and WR Keenan Allen (19) trying to will the team to victory. For their opponent, NoKe, it was all academic and a numbers game. QB Justin Herbet scored 28, WR Cooper Kupp took home 30, and a very competitive Broncos defensive unit (25) really put in the work to widen the gap and get NoKe a decisive victory, making them the only other NHL undefeated. 

Our next division matchup was our other close-margin game, and Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child hosted Knute Rockme. Team Rockme had three players on the injured list, and did the best they could with what they had. QB Aaron Rodgers (20) and RBs Derrick Henry (19) and Clyde Edwards-Helaire (16) led the way for the Knutes in what was a nail-biter. For MRLC, it was a mathematician's nightmare, as 6 single-digit scores were written into their correct boxes. In the end, it was the insane Browns defense with 31 that kept them in it and eventually won their team the game, as MRLC wins and both teams go to 1-2.

Finally, In a battle for Stehle household family dominance, Council of Steel took on BlahBlahBlah. For the B’s, WR Chase Claypool (18), QB Kyler Murray (20) and RB Najee Harris (28) did the bulk of the scoring. This was enough to get them within striking distance against BlahBlahBlah but it wasn’t enough. The Council got it’s bulk of points from QB Josh Allen and the Cardinal D/ST (24 each). CJS moves to 2-1.

Well that does it for me this week. They’re calling for more September snow - time to break out your boots. Remember, if you find a highway obstruction, send me a picture of you posing in front of the traffic hazard. 

Atom Shuffler 

BSPN NHL insider

With the cold winter not too far off and the fall in full swing, it’s the best time of the year for a sportswriter like yours truly. One might think I get excited about things like the NFL heating up; the CFL, the MLB and even the good old boys of NASCAR starting their post seasons; or the upstart other NHL beginning their season, but you’d be wrong on all counts. Okay, not true, you all know I’m incredibly Canadian and I can’t NOT be excited for hockey, but the rest are true. No, what I’m really looking forward to this time of year is the beginning of Aussie Rules football, the continuation of the top-flight Kyrgyzstani MMA promotion KMMAF, and the star of the show, the Canadian Pro Shuffleboard Alliance (or the Alliance Canadienne Du Jeu De Palets Professionnel if you’re in Quebec). Also, Thanksgiving is just a month away up here, so maybe I’ll dust off the old Crokinole board (yeah, go and look that one up, you Yanks). Yep, it’s the best time of the year for the profession, and I have 4 more freelance articles to knock out today, so let’s not waste any more time. 

Starting off, we had BlahBlahBlah on the road against Knute Rockme. The B’s looked strong from the get go, with a triplet of 20’s coming from RB James Robinson, RB Najee Harris, and WR Corey Davis. QB Kyler Murray decided to leave most of the running to his backs instead of himself this week, amassing just 39 yards and only throwing for 268, but that was still enough to net him and Triple B 22 more. A disappointing day for TE Robert Tonyan and an injury to WR Chase Claypool left the door open, however, and Team Rockme took it as an invitation. QB Aaron Rodgers (24) and RB Derrick Henry (25) led the way, and a solid performance up and down the board was anchored by a great defensive day for the still-yet-unnamed Foot Ball Team In Washington That Dan Snyder Owns, with 22 points. In the end, this one goes to Knute Rockme, who gets back to even at 2-2.

Next, we’re taking a look at Hair43HOF hosting the Destroyers. In a new thing I’m tracking this year, we fed the game through our state-of-the-art Coach Efficiency Grader, powered by Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics. Both coaches scored very highly at 98 and 97 respectively, extracting the best out of their personnel. For the Hair, the day belonged to RB Austin Ekeler, who rushed for 117 and 2TD enroute to a 28-point day. WR Deonte Johnson grabbed 92 and a score to get to 24, and QB Lamar Jackson finished off a bulk of the scoring with 20. For the Destroyers, consistency was the name of the game, with no real outliers anywhere on the scorecard. This meant that the lows were pretty high, but the highs were also a little low, with no player exceeding 20. Despite that, this was a close, competitive game, and very fun to watch. The final saw the Hair come out on top and move into 2nd in the Keenan.

Third up on our slate was 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck at Council Of Steel. Team 8/4/3 came out swinging for the fences in honor of the baseball playoffs starting this week, with WR DJ Moore having a great day and scoring 31. QB Jalen Hurts bounced back after a rough Week 3, and tossed 2TD and nearly 400 yards to score 27 of his own. RB Johnathan Taylor also had a very nice day and racked up 20. For the Council, things weren’t as rosy. The boardroom will be busy this week, as meeting after meeting will be had to determine who to fire for this week’s performance. RB David Montgomery’s 22 was the lone bright spot, but even that doesn't come free as he showed up on the injury report with a goofy knee. The Council picks up 92 points, a loss, and new ownership of the Little Sisters Of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (confusingly brought to you by Hefty brand trash bags) for the worst performance of the season. 

Next we take a look at LLL hosting the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad. For BSPS, this was their third game in 4 days as they made a 7 game, 10-day roadtrip playing other fantasy junior college and Pop Warner teams. Maybe the momentum helped out, as they looked strong early, with WR Terry McLaurin leading the way with his 30-point, 2TD day. The rest of the lineup didn’t dazzle (fill-in RB James Conor’s 18 wasn’t too shabby), but the team did well enough to post a competitive score and not just lay down like they were playing IMG. Maybe they should have, though, because LLL did to them what IMG did and showed them how it’s done. 28 from QB Patrick Mahomes, an impressive 32 from a Bills D/ST that had 4 takeaways, and an insane 41 from RB/WR Cordarelle Patterson on the back of a 3TD day was just too much to overcome. Even with LLL only starting 8 with TE Logan Thomas injured, it was still enough for 159, as LLL remains atop the Keenan and the only unbeaten left in the NHL. 

“The only unbeaten?” I hear you say. “But what about NoKe, who played Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child this week? They were 3-0 and very good, and their opponent has been very bad!” Well, spoiler alert. The script got flipped in this one. NoKe did the best they could with what they had, but it was a lot of bad and not much good. The two Justins (WR Jefferson and QB Herbert) both had 20, but the rest of the team didn’t offer much support. Our Coach Efficiency machine (powered by Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics) recognized the effort, giving them a 97 rating, but Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child earned a 98 and with a much better lineup. WR Hunter Renfrow and TE Mike Gesicki weren’t lighting the world on fire with 16 each, but QB Dak Prescott had a nice 25-point outing. In the end, the deciding factor was the return of Tyreek the Freek, who caught 11 of 12 for 186 and 3TD. That’s worth 47, good enough to get Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child the win and take home co-ownership of the “You Got Rocked” Award for best single performance by an individual player this year.

Finally, Kale Kings went on the road to face God’s Country. For KK, things started out good. QB Russell Wilson and RB Ezekiel Elliott both scored 20 points, and WR Deebo Samuel had a career day with 156 and 2TD, scoring 36 points. However, when we look at the rest of the lineup, we see some problems. WR AJ Brown - out, hammy. K Robbie Gould - out, groin. RB Joe Mixon - got knocked out, knee. With only 7 and a half starters, this one was prime and ready for God’s Country to capitalize. RB Saquon Barkley showed the team how to get it done, with 2TD and 5 catches on top of his rushing numbers, scoring 27. Then the rest of the team just kind of...stopped. When your third-leading scorer is your kicker, and he outscores Tom Brady, you have some problems. Our Coach Meter graded Todd’s Country at just 76, so far the worst of the year, highlighting this stumble. Kale Kings steals one here, 122-108.

Well folks, it’s Wednesday, so you know what that means. No, not AEW Wednesday Night Dynamite. It’s time for a tape-delay broadcast of second-division Pakistani cricket test matches! They’re in the 3rd step of their 8-step playoff ladder system, so things are really getting interesting, and the matches are getting faster, usually only 8 or 9 hours long. I’ll be keeping a close eye on this one going in to next week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Hey NHL fans, it’s Atom Shuffler, here again to update you on the goings-on. I’ve had some time to work on my craft the last couple of days, as I couldn’t get too far from the plumbing - thank god I was able to save the integrity of the pipes here at the league office a few weeks back. Got a case of the runs - I think from my buddy Chase’s “Cajun Country Chili”. He got the recipe from an old goat down in LaPierre Parrish, down on the bayou where he winters over. He says the guy uses gator, but since that’s hard to come by up here, Chase had some possum he picked up from running back and forth from his oil field gig. He says it tastes the same as chicken, but it was a little off to me. We were eating the chili at the annual neighborhood picnic known locally as the ‘Bushmeat BBQ and Kritter Kleanup’. You get all the old family treats there - red squirrel stew, muskrat mashed taters, chipmunk kabobs, wood rat nuggets (they’re better than you think), mule deer and moose meatloaf, plus there’s always a mystery meat “green bean” casserole. We do the cooking over at Bobby’s behind the church. Behind his home-on-wheels, he has this great set up with a couple of #2 diesel oil barrel halves he got from his uncle’s damaged poteet rig - a sugared-out maple blew down in an ice storm a couple years ago and wrecked the setup, so Bobby got the parts. He took an angle grinder and cut off the running boards from a rusted out F-150 for racks, and got a Rube Goldberg gas connection off his trailer, and you have one sweet community grill. Anyway, it was a great weekend, and my belly issues gave me the time to write up the doings in the National Holley League this week. Lots of hardware to hand out, so let’s get to it.

In our 5th week of divisional matchups, we start over in the Wayne, with what I’m now calling Team 843 for short on the road against Knute Rockme. For Team Rockme, it was all about the usual suspects. QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Derrick Henry were their usual, highly productive selves, and another good performance was seen from everyone’s favorite Mr. Irrelevant, K Ryan Succop. The Percentage Pals crunched the numbers, and while it’s usually all addition, they had some subtraction this week. That’s right, it took until Week 5, but someone is finally getting The “Hail Satan” Award (renamed again this year, to drawA “nataS liaH” ehT) for the player with the highest “negative” - aka backward - score. With Miami’s D/ST picking up 2 sacks but allowing 45 points, they net -1, giving ownership of the prestigious trophy to GM Bob, and the win to GM Mark and Knute Rockme.

Next, BlahBlahBlah took a trip to Mr. Rodgers’ (Love Child) Neighborhood. For the B’s, it was once again the running back position providing the stability in the lineup. RB James Robinson (21) and RB Najee Harris (22) had great outings, anchoring this lineup. Unfortunately, the rest of the lineup took the whole “anchor” thing a little too literally, and played like they were weighed down, with the team failing to break the 100-point fantasy Mendoza line as a whole. For the Little Aarons, it was actually the Panthers D/ST that led the way with 23. QB Dak Prescott and WR Emmanuel Sanders both had 20, but with all but one player breaking into the double digits, this one was never in doubt after the 4 o’clock games. Rodgers Rate for everybody.

Then we move to Council of Steel at NoKe. Hoo boy. What can I say that was good for the Council? TE Travis Kelce had 17. That’s it. Let’s just talk some numbers real quick, and then I can start handing stuff out. NoKe’s QB Justin Herbert (who dazzled with 40) and RB1 Alvin Kamara (31), as just two players, outscored the Council’s entire starting lineup, 71-70. NoKe’s bench came within 4 points of outscoring the Council’s entire starting lineup. The Council had the lowest Coach Efficiency rating (powered by Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics) of the year with 74%. The Council wins the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for the worst score of the year of just 70. The Council also lost by a points margin greater than the number of the points they scored - yep, NoKe more than doubled ‘em up. Unsurprisingly, that means the Council takes ownership of the “Soda Can” Award for the largest margin of defeat, and NoKe wins the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 87-point margin of victory. This one was rough, sitting at 99-11 at the start of the 4 PM games. Yikes.

Moving over to the Keenan, we’re starting out with the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad hosting the Kale Kings. Both teams lost their starting QB’s to injury in this one, so it was down to the rest of the lineups to pick up the slack. For BSPS, it was the passcatchers that answered the call, as WR Mike Williams added 36, WR Mike Evans had 29, and rookie TE Kyle Pitts put up 26 of his own. For Kale Kings, the focus was on the ground attack, as GM Daniel went with a three running back set. RB Ezekiel Elliott had 25 before picking up an injury, and RB Dandre Swift had 22 of his own. For KK, it just wasn’t enough, and BSPS takes this one in the end.

In one of the better matches of the weekend, LLL walked to end of his virtual, emoji pier to douse the burning flames of Hair43HOF, which I’m pretty sure stands for “Hair On Fire”. The flaming follicles of 43 were led by QB Lamar Jackson’s stunning 40 point comeback, and got a nice 30 from RB Austin Eckler - but the ghost of “F*king Polahmahlu, bro!” couldn’t inspire Diontae Johnson or the Steelers D to put up more than pedestrian numbers against the red hot LLL brand. With 25 from RB Kareem Hunt, and 20 apiece from WR’s DeAndre Hopkins and Cordarelle Patterson, LLL continues their domination through Week 5. The L’s are the only undefeated group going forward, and look like the team to beat to capture the coveted Commissioner’s Championship Award For The Best Team This Year...Trophy.

What got into the Destroyers this week? Certainly no respect for God’s Country. In a cruel twist of fate, The Countrymen had one of their better games this season and scored enough to have beaten five other teams this week (and to have picked up outright wins in 2 of those games!), but the Destroyers had had enough of rookie hazing and were not to be denied. WR Davante Adams laid down 37 points, and QB Josh Allen answered with 35 of his own. Rookie WR Jamarr Chase had an outstanding performance with 27, and even fringe TE Dawson Knox had a career day with 20. In the end, it all added up to 189, giving the Destroyers ownership of the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award for the high score of the year. For God’s Country, there was some good and some bad. QB Tom Brady can still do it, and got 36, and WR’s Marquise Brown (33) and DK Metcalf (26) certainly aren’t slouching. The bad, however, came in the form of the injury bug, as the QB, RB1 and RB2 joined the other 3 injury-designated bench players on the squad. God’s Country might look a little barren in Week 6.

The cookout gives me a chance to plug one of my favorite charities, 1-800-CAPS4KIDS. Some of our little monsters up here grow up missing a few chiclets, even before the hockey season starts - and our universal health sometimes has a few gaps, just like their dear smiles. Our big fundraiser to help out is auctioning off the ‘Kritter Krazy Quilt’, which uses the pelts from some of the tasty delights from our annual picnic. We also ship out some elderberry marmalade under the banner of Rev. Gustaven’s Protestant church, but the sale usually comes up a little short. So if you made a little extra on your Enbridge stock this year, consider a small gift for the kids. If we get enough donations, we can also get them mouthpieces for hockey this year, so the teeth they get this year don’t become the trophies the native kids on the rez team also get this year after we play them. Just something to think about.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Perhaps you’ve heard about this situation with all the cargo boats stuck off shore, causing supply shortages all throughout Yankeeland and Canada. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, it’s not like you can’t get anything anywhere with the right boat and pilot. My Uncle Rodger used to use an old jon boat with a Yamaha sled engine to take jars of firewater up the river to the rez - that was how he made enough money to buy his vacation trailer on Prince Edward Island. Maybe I’ve said too much. I’ll shut up now and talk to you about the NHL.

We start out with Council of Steel on the road against Hair43HOF in what was probably the best game of the week. For the ‘Hof, it all started with WR Jaylen Waddle, who “waddle”d his way to a healthy 32-point outing. The other two receivers in Dionte Johnson (18) and Sterling Sheperd weren’t too bad either, and the Steeler D did nice job to add 21. On the other side of the ball, the Council has clearly voted to take the team in a different direction - consistent high scoring across the board. Yes, QB Derek Carr’s 22 as the team high score isn’t lighting the world on fire, but how about every player in the double digits, and most at or above 21 points. WR Cole Beasley (21) and the Cardinal D/ST (20) provide some nice scoring highlights, as the Council takes an excellent come from behind victory, 146-134, as both teams move to 3-3.

Next up, we have what was definitely NOT the best game of the week as Kale Kings hosted BlahBlahBlah. The B’s are in a tough spot as the injury bug and bye weeks take their toll on the lineup, and they rolled into town with a thin bench. Once again for the B’s, the running game was the centerpeice, as RB Najee Harris scored 24 in another great outing and RB James Robinson added a further 18. The passcatchers were quiet though, as Nelson Agholor, Chase Claypol, and Robert Tonyan all combined for just 9. The door was open though, as Kale Kings, seemingly drifting through the season like an untied canoe, only had 7 going at game time, with the broken Russell Wilson still at the QB slot and WR Deebo Samuel on bye but still going. The rest of the team stepped up and took up the slack however, led by RB Joe Mixon and TE Noah Fant who both had 24 each. Despite the short lineup, Kale Kings fumbles their way into a nail-biter win, 112-107. Tough break for the B’s. 

In yet another matchup that came down to Monday night, our two expansion franchises did battle as 80% Mental, 40% Phyiscal, 30% Luck travelled to face the Destroyers. Spurred on by last week’s success, the Destroyers looked to keep the momentum going. The team got great production from RB Leonard Fournette (30), and the rest of the team played a good supporting role getting the team past 100 points. Things also looked promising for The 8/4/3, as RB Jonathan Taylor had a great 28-point day, QB Jalen Hurts added 23, and the Dallas D/ST had a strong 21-point effort. 843 was down a man though, as bespectacled K Rodrigo Blankenship went on IR late leaving them stranded with 8. This left the door open for the Destroyers, and QB Josh Allen’s 28 point game on Monday night was enough to put the Destroyers over the hump, 134-120. Congrats to both owners on this one, really fun game to track.

Our two co-Junior Vice Presidents of league operations squared off next as the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad hosted Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. BSPS made some questionable personnel decisions, sitting former Washington signal-caller Kirk Cousins in favor of the clearly (not) superior QB Taylor Heinicke. That move went about like you’d expect, as Heinicke only could muster 10. RB Dalvin Cook dragged the team over the 100-point mark with his 20-point outing, but that was about all she wrote for BSPS. TE Zach Ertz even got traded to Arizona before the game went final on Monday, and bench RB James Conner found himself sent to Team LLL come Tuesday morning. For the Love Child, this game was a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses, as RB Aaron Jones had 20, WR Tyreek Hill had 22, the Colts had 25 and QB Dak Prescott had 28 as they roll to commissioner dominance. MRLC improves to 4-2 and BSPS falls to 3-3, still maintaining 2nd in the Keenan but knocked out of early playoff contention.

Speaking of the Keenan and playoff contention, Keenan division leader LLL hosted NoKe (brought to you by Draft Kings). Despite an injury to RB Kareem Hunt, the offensive weapons were still firing for LLL. Perennial fantasy stud WR DHop did his thing with 20, and QB Patrick Mahomes, RB Darrell Henderson, and WR Stefon Diggs all had 23 apiece to give this squad a great offensive day. For NoKe, they were able to jump out to an early lead, led by WR Cooper Kupp with 34. However, with an injury to RB Antonio Gibson, the offense sputtered and died after the 1PM games, totalling just 21 from the afternoon games through Monday night. This was enough to leave the door open for LLL, who snuck by to remain atop the Keenan as well as the league’s only unbeaten remaining. 

Finally, we take a look at Knute Rockme on the road against God’s Country. Hammered by bye weeks and injuries, the Todd Squad only had 2 available options on the bench for this matchup forcing him to roll the dice on a few guys for the lineup. Some worked, like WR CeeDee Lamb (35) and the Packers D (16) in a touch matchup with the Bears, while others, like RBs Brandon Boldin and Zack Moss not so much. Knute Rockme had a lot more flexibility, but didn’t need it, as the starters shone in this one. WR Adam Thielen (30) and RB Derrick Henry (35) got Team Rockme most of the way there on their own, and WR Antonio Brown, RB Darrel Williams and Mr. Discount Double Check himself, QB Aaron Rodgers got them the rest of the way and then some. It’s a tale as old as the league itself - another frustrating week for God’s Country, and another big win for Knute Rockme.

I just read another article that said they’re gonna float some of those boats around through the Panama Canal and unload them in Florida and maybe up at the port in New Brunswick. I don’t know why it would take them that long, I’m sure I could help out - Uncle Rodger’s jon boat is still out back, it just needs a little Flex Seal and she’s good to go. I had that thing out last year and I got her up to 38 knots, damn sight quicker than them cargo boats. I’ll be taking up a collection from local folks and maybe I can go out there and pick up some of those priority packages - for a small fee, of course. I’ll see you back here next week if I don’t capsize and drown.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

In a week that many pundits were calling “Bye-pocalypse” with 6 teams off last week, absenteeism abounded throughout the NHL with 4 of our 6 games featuring at least one starter that didn’t play. Maybe it’s those federal unemployment benefits they gave you all down there. Of course, that’s nothing new for us up here - the government has been handing out checks to the unemployed and disabled for years along with paying our doctor bills. Granted, the definition of “unemployed” and “disabled” have changed a bit in recent times - Donnie from two trailers down got busted last year by CCS agents after he went hunting and left his wheelchair at the bottom of his 30-foot tree stand, and as soon as they told him they could see him at the top he claimed he was disabled and couldn’t get down. The Mountie post had to call their animal trapper to come shoot him with a tranq dart so he’d fall out, but when he did he landed funny - so now his benefits are an extra hundred a month. He just can’t climb up the tree stand anymore, but hey, what can you do.

We start out by taking a look at Knute Rockme hosting the Destroyers. The Destroyers have been building a little momentum, and Knute Rockme is coming off last week’s game where they led the league in scoring so this had all the hallmarks of a great barn-burner. In the end, it was not, and was a fairly one-sided contest. If I told you 32 points from stud WR Jamarr Chase, 26 from QB Matt Stafford, and a further 19 from WR Davante Adams, adding up to 137 total points and a win, would you say....Destroyers? Well, I sure would, because that’s what happened in this one. For Knute Rockme, they go from topping the charts last week to bringing up the rear this week with just 82, as TE Darren Waller’s absence nerfed QB Aaron Rodgers’ 26, and with no other player topping 14 points, they find themselves in the scoring doldrums this time out. (Fun fact - total bench players available in this game? 4. 6 with designations, 5 on bye.)

Moving on to a much more high-scoring affair, Kale Kings was on the road taking on NoKe (brought to you by Draft Kings). Speaking of absenteeism, not only was KK Down a QB and an RB1, but where has the GM Daniel gone? Sources tell me the lights have been off at the team offices for over two weeks and there’s a thick layer of dust on everything they can see through the dark window. What a shame. Even without a rudder, this ship is still on full steam ahead, as they made a game of it despite being down 2 men. RB Dandre Swift, WR AJ Brown, and WR Deebo Samuel all scored 27 a pop and the Pats D put up another 25 to actually give the Kings a late lead. Down the stretch, however, NoKe came roaring back with 17 from QB Jameis Winston and an impressive 33 from RB Alvin Kamara, adding to the earlier outstanding effort from WR Cooper Kupp (37). Give this one to NoKe.

Another game missing starters, another pair of teams suffering from injuries and byes, another one-sided game. Are you sensing a trend developing? The Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad was living the reality of the varsity team as they travelled to face Council of Steel. This time, though, it was the Council that was credited with a missing starter, as WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (yep, that’s his real name) was absent on the scoring totals. (Co-commish note: That’s actually kind of unfair, since he took over 50% of the team’s snaps, he just got zero targets. Not that a goose egg is any better. - W) The Cardinals D got 21 and QB Derek Carr got 20, but with Travis Kelce the only other member of the board to eclipse 10 points, it wasn’t enough to get this squad over the Mendoza line of 100. For BSPS, some wild waiver pickups paid big dividends, as castoff RB Duke Johnson (24) and unproven rookie RB Khalil Herbert (19) had great fill-in games. Complemented by the tried-and-true scoring prowess of WR’s Mike Evans (31) and Terry McLaurin (25), as well as the breakout game from rookie TE Kyle Pitts (23), this team actually managed to hold its personnel together with some duct tape and string to get the win and crawl back into playoff contention. (Fun fact - total bench players available in this game? 5. 2 with designations, 7 on bye.)

Talking about holding your team together with tape and string, Hair43HOF limped into town against Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child with an EMPTY BENCH. That’s right, no one dressed. With 3 injured guys and the other 4 on bye week vacation, the Hair had to get the most out of every follicle left on the squad. QB Lamar Jackson started it off strong with 23 points, and WR’s Christian Kirk and Jaylen Waddle had twin 15’s. In the end, they totalled up to 105, a respectable mark but one that would easily be eclipsed by a strong team like Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. Right? Well...no. Despite having a huge advantage of personnel flexibility, MRLC had some real stinkers, as WR AJ Green had 9, RB Aaron Jones had just 8, and RB Miles Sanders picked up 4 and an injury. All in all, the side only puts up 97, and the Hair, by extracting every drop of shampoo from the bottle, escapes with a victory. Hair43HOF was actually one of 3 teams this week to obtain a 100% Coach Efficiency rating (powered by Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics), the highest of the year, while MRLC got 76%, the second-worst all-time. (Additional fun fact - total bench players available in this game? 4, all for MRLC. 3 with designations, 7 on bye.)

Another team that squeezed the most out of their players this week, God’s Country, travelled to take on 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck. Another team with a thin bench, the Todd Squad extracted every ounce of potential from the lineup, as RB Damien Harris lead the way with 24. Touchdown Tommy continued to deliver as he scored 22, and WR Malcom Brown and a staunch Packer D posted twin 19’s. With another 100% efficiency rating, God’s Country made it an uphill climb for the 843. Looking to rely on that 30% Luck, QB Jalen Hurts (22) and WR Michael Pittman (20) had good outings and looked to the rest of the team to chance into some points. They did, but just not enough, as RB Johnathan Taylor’s 15 was the next best mark on the card. In the end, God’s Country prevailed with a late push, and while they’re still fighting to climb up the division ladder, they move off the bottom of the league standings and will hopefully continue to trend upward.

Finally, our primetime matchup of the week saw LLL on the road against BlahBlahBlah. The two triplet-named franchises looked to be an uneven match on paper, as the Montreal bookies heavily favored the undefeated “Le Tres El” going in. With both teams having a heavy front-loaded schedule, it was still close at the early onset, with LLL’s WR Cordarelle Patterson posting 18, but injuries to QB Patrick Mahomes and TE Jonnu Smith slowing down what has been a red-hot offense. The B’s were still in it, too, as passcatchers WR Jarvis Landry, WR Nelson Agholor, and TE Robert Tonyan all had good performances. Then it was all about the big guns, as the late games saw LLL’s WR’s Deandre Hopkins (18) and Chris Godwin (25) put up numbers, while BBB countered with 22 from QB Kyler Murray and 31 from the Bucs D. Sunday night, the numbers were all added up, and the B’s took a close win, 126-116, knocking off the last remaining undefeated and bringing joy to all. The best part? They only did it with 8. (Fun fact - total bench players available in this game? 4. 8 on bye, 3 with designations).

Well, bye-pocalypse is over, so maybe now people will get back to work. I know some of the neighbors are still trying to figure out a way to sham their way into a check - I can see the kids across the way screwing around with a bottle of lighter fluid and the dad is looking on very intently after he went to put on a bunch of hairspray on his bald spot. Rest assured, readers, I will still be hard at work to bring you leading coverage of all the NHL action next week. 

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With last week’s games coming over Hallow-eekend, I thought it would only be appropriate to decorate the league’s satellite offices with spooky decorations and leave out classic Canadian fall treats for the rugrats to pick up in between egging houses and throwing bottles at people in the trailer park. We’ve already had plenty of winter weather here, so I made some maple candy (just syrup that you put in the snow and roll up on a stick) and left out some airplane bottles of Alberta Premuim. I put up cobwebs, and taped some scary pictures to the wall like headshots of Justin Trudeau and American health insurance bills. Hopefully, everyone had a great time at their own Halloween parties - mine got a little out of hand when Cousin Terry was using a chainsaw to scare some local kids with his Jason goalie mask, but he didn’t take the chain off and accidentally cut down a branch for real and it fell on him. Hey, what can you do. 

We start things off with the Destroyers visiting BlahBlahBlah. The Destroyers were looking to keep their good momentum going after dropping their first 4 games, and QB Josh Allen kept that train going with a 27-point outing. The rest of the team overindulged in the candy a little bit too much, which slowed them down, meaning the team only was able to put up 92. For the B’s, maybe they should have had someone dress up like a team doctor, because injuries really hit them bad this week. QB Kyler Murray, RB James Robinson, and K Chris Boswell all picked up some damage, while TE Robert Tonyan was knocked out for the year with an ACL and WR Corey Davis couldn’t even start with a hip injury. RB Najee Harris’ 20 was the lone bright spot, but this team was left licking their wounds at the end. Let me just throw a little salt in there - their 65-point total was the lowest of the year, giving them the dishonor of taking ownership of The Little Sisters Of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for their lack of scoring. The Destroyers are victorious, and improve to .500 at 4-4.

Next up, 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck hosted the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad. The 843 looked good on Sunday, with the two Mikes of RB Michael Carter (31) and WR Michael Pittman (30) dressing up as the two Mikes of Greenberg and Golic. RB Johnathan Taylor added 22 in an impressive day. For BSPS, underperformance was the name of the game. Maybe they were too preoccupied to get home to their costume parties, but 86 points ain’t nothing to write home about. They didn’t even have to dress up as Walter Payton or John Elway - a Darren Sproles costume would have been just fine. Except for the defense no one got more than 12, just a stinker of a loss for them as they fall to 4-4 while clinging to playoff hopes.

Another team clinging to playoff hopes, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child, hosted a playoff shoe-in in team LLL. Some interesting outcomes in this one for the Hippy Kids - WR Tyreek Hill (27), RB Aaron Jones (23) and WR Robert Woods (20) weren’t surprises, but QB Matt Ryan (5) and WR Emmanuel Sanders (0) decided to dress up like ghosts - at least I think, because I didn’t see them at all. For LLL, the group costume of the Purple People Eaters - strong defense and good offense - worked out really well, with WR Chris Godwin leading the way with 28 points. Another easy W for LLL, as MRLC is now out of playoff contention.

Speaking of costumes, let’s take a look at a team led by someone who’s in costume 24/7/365 - the Kale Kings, led by their permanently beleafed mascot, who visited the Council Of Steel. KK was hoping the Men Of Steel would go for the classic Christopher Reeve-era costume, but much like the recent movie, they went with the Henry Cavill one and exceeded expectations. WRs Amari Cooper (24) and Cole Beasly (21) did a great job, and the top half of the lineup at least met their projections for the most part, giving the team 128. Kale Kings, still without a starting QB, dressed up like a casino dealer hoping for a little luck. Thank god they put it all on red with WR AJ Brown (31) and the Pats D (26), because they came up big playing with only 8. KK steals another one, as the Council falls to 3-5.

Since we’re talking about teams with 8 starters, let’s take a look at the shorthanded Hair43HOF, who took a trip to play against Knute Rockme. While not a high-scoring affair, this was a close, down-to-the wire contest. Probably the biggest storyline to come out of this one was Knute Rockme RB Derrick Henry somehow broke his toe so bad that he’s done for the year. With the MVP candidate out of the running, WR Adam Thielen (19) and RB Darrel Williams (16) did their best to fill the gap. With no WR Calvin Ridley, it was up to the 8 remaining Hair43HOF players to capitalize (they all came out in the pregame with various crazy wigs, which was great). In the end, RB Austin Ekeler (24) and the Steeler D (21) just gave their team the edge in this one, as the Hair wins 98-92.

Finally, our primetime matchup saw God’s Country travelling to take on NoKe (brought to you by DraftKings), who of course, once again dressed up as Tom Dempsey. NoKe moved out to an early lead, but late on Sunday night, God’s Country WR CeeDee Lamb and TE Tyler Conklin used their Spy vs. Spy costumes to sneak up and take the lead back for the Todd Squad. That left it all up to NoKe RB Devontae Booker, who needed 5 points to secure the win on Monday night. He delivered that along with a bag of king-size candy bars, netting 17 and locking it in for NoKe. Another down-to-the-wire thriller, much closer than the Montreal bookies were expecting...lots of fun to watch as both teams put on a great performance, with NoKe prevailing 133-120.

Well, that’s about all I have. I’ll be rotting my teeth with candy and eating the rest of my Canadian Thanksgiving leftovers before I gorge again on turkey and stuffing for Yank Thanksgiving. We might celebrate it on different days, but I’m glad our two nations can share the not-very-proud tradition of swindling natives out of their land and eating their animals at a big party. Maybe next year we can have Canadian Halloween, where we all just go to the free dentist a week after regular Halloween and get our teeth cleaned. Send me a telegram if you think that’s a good idea - when Cousin Terry cut down that part of the tree that smooshed him it also landed on Roger’s mail jeep, so I can’t get normal letters for a while.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider   

With news this week up here of Quebequois corruption and bribery making its way over to my humble home in Sasketchewan, I’m on high alert for any upcountry or French-speaking degens sniffing around my neck of the woods. I know you’re all following this story closely, but the Fédération des travailleurs et travailleuses du Québec (in English, the Quebec Federation of Labor, or in ‘Murkan, the Canadian Teamsters), which legitimately has ties to the Mob through the 6th of the 5 Families (no, really, look it up), also may have had some very loose ties to the Raptors-Kyle Lowry sign-and-trade deal. Of course, Canada, government and criminal interference, and sports, all have a long and storied relationship, such as the well-publicized scandal involving Team Canada being disqualified from the 2019 Pan Am Games horse jumping events, and the equally well known 2019 tribunal where two players from the Hong Kong cricket team were given lifetime bans from the International Cricket Counsel in a match-fixing scheme against Teams Scotland and Canada. Bearing the themes of both woeful government sporting regulations and team/player mismanagement in mind, I thought it would be fun to take a look at last week’s slate of games through the lens of “Hey, who did the worst?” Granted, that’s not too different than my usual weekly column, but it’s that or try to write a fluff piece about the involvement of live moose in QMJHL pre-game warmups, so we’re doing this instead.

Going backwards this week, we’re actually going to start with our primetime Week 9 matchup, which saw NoKe on the road against a very stout Hair43HOF. No mismanagement in this one, as the efficiency meter returned scores of 100 and 98 for our two GM’s. For the Hair, QB Lamar Jackson was the star of the show, putting up 30 in a great performance. WR Brandon Aiyuk had 21 and WR Jaylen Waddle scored 20, with a strong showing up and down the board. Not to be outdone, NoKe QB Justin Herbert posted 31 of his own, and RB Alvin Kamara, WR Cooper Kupp, and the Saints D all had 20 apiece. This one was an absolute barnburner, with NoKe (still carrying that Draft Kings sponsorship money) taking the victory 152-137. Both teams are still in playoff contention, but Hair43HOF is currently on the bubble. 

Keeping the ball rolling, we’ve got another powerhouse in LLL who hosted the tenacious 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck. LLL came out with a very strange lineup indeed, making the rare decision to park a running back in the flex and starting the even more rare dual-listed WR/RB Cordarelle Patterson in one of those valuable back slots. In the end, it paid off, as surprise RB3 James Connor led the league in scoring this week with 38. Our dual threat had 23, the Bills had 25, and with the deep-dive waiver move of the week, rookie TE Pat Frieirmouth (who?) added 21. It wasn’t all rosy, though, as K Mason Crosby posted a -1, meaning LLL takes part ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT for sending his team backwards, leaving the door open for the 843. Team Math put up some strong numbers of their own, with RB Johnathan Taylor leading the charge with 32. WR Keenan Allen’s 22 isn’t anything to sneeze at either. In the end, it just wasn’t enough to overcome the overwhelming power of LLL, who wins 159-127 and further solidifies their position on top of the Keenan at 8-1.

Next up, the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad hosted BlahBlahBlah. For the B’s, the front office probably wants this one back, as QB Tua Tagovailoa’s late injury designation kept him from making his start, and WR Nelson Agholor posted a goose egg after failing to even get a single target despite playing 50+ snaps. The Giants D posted 26 for the B’s (B-Men?) but that just wasn’t going to get it done. For BSPS, it was all academic (academics, of course, not being something they do at Bishop Sycamore), as they pretty much just had to start 9. RB Nick Chubb had 28, Da Bears had 25, and QB Kirk Cousins had 21 as BSPS romped to a 128-84 victory as they continue to cling that second playoff spot in a tight race for it in the Keenan. 

Now starting to get into sketchy territory, let’s take a gander at Council of Steel visiting the Destroyers. Both teams are on the outside looking in, but still in the hunt for playoff glory as we pass the halfway mark, so both teams needed to extract their best from their lineups this week. However, this was not the matchup for it. The Destroyers did net an 84% efficiency rating, but with no starter eclipsing the 12-point mark, this team’s recent momentum may have begun to sputter as they could only muster up 90 points. Not to be outdone, the Council of Steel goofed their way into a 75% score, but a pair of 17’s from RB Melvin Gordon and TE Travis Kelce and 26 from the Cardinals saved it. The Council takes the win here as both teams move to 4-5 - down, but certainly not out.

In a very similar game, the very banged-up Knute Rockme came to town to play against the totally rudderless Kale Kings. Missing key figures like Aaron Rodgers, Derrick Henry, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire, it was up to the second string to bring this one home for Team Rockme. Unfortunately, RB Chase Edmonds picked up yet another nasty injury for this team, and other key players failed to deliver. TE Darren Waller (16) and the Browns (25) made a valiant effort, but the Mendoza line remained out of reach for this squad. There was still hope, though, as KK only had 6 starters. Through the power of what I can only assume is black magic, however, RB Joe Mixon’s 28 and the Patriots’ 32 were just enough for Kale Kings to get the edge, 97-92. To make fun of this team for only a 76% efficiency rating seems hollow, though - the entire front office hasn’t been seen since October 11 (nor has the lineup been changed since then). Maybe those Quebec mobsters have whacked GM Daniel. 

Finally, we had Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child travelling to visit God’s Country. For God’s Country, their 84% efficiency rating doesn’t tell the whole story, as this was another tough week of byes for the Todd Squad. Left once again with a shoestring bench, the front office prayed to get through the week without anything bad happening, but it was not to be, as injuries really hampered this lineup. Hollywood Brown put up 20 at WR and Packers had a decent showing with 15, but it was tough sledding in God’s Country - still a little too warm for snow, perhaps. There was hope, though, as MRLC had to take a hands-off front office approach due to turtle flu protocol violations, or something. This clearly had an impact, as their 68% Coach Efficiency Rating (powered by Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics) is an NHL record for worst ever. Despite this, the fact that no player scored more than 18, and Greg The Leg Zuerlien having a goose egg after not being afforded the opportunity to take to the field, MRLC somehow fumbled their way into a 91-87 victory. Don’t let that fool you, though - MRLC once again suffered the ignominy of having the bench outscore the starting lineup, 109-91. Actually, the rest of the league better sit up and take notice - that 109 from the bench was good enough to beat 6 NHL starting lineups this week, and tie with a 7th team. 

Well, we’re past the halfway point in the season, so in keeping with the week’s theme, I expect to see the backroom deals and shady game-throwing begin in earnest. With the league’s new-for-2021 regulations allowing for pick trading, I wonder if any team will mortgage their future in a push to vie for this year’s The Commissioner’s Championship Trophy Award For The Best Team This Year. It’s always exciting here in the NHL, and I’m always happy to cover it - so long as those damned Frenchie “union” journalists don’t run me out of a job.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

It seems like there’s another gold rush south of the border, and I’m not talking about some made-up crypto like ‘catcoin’.  We’re having our first Arctic snap, and it’s colder than a Labatt’s in my lap in the hot tub. I couldn’t sleep because my neighbor Ricky fired up his free-mounted Ford diesel generator about 11 and ran it all night - it sounds like I live next to Ice Trucker Alley.  He’s got these two old Penske box truck bodies that he rigged with 24/7 fluorescents and kerosene blowers to grow his ‘Yukon Gold’. The glow out of the cracked seams of the boxes is more like our own Northern Lights, but it’s the fumes and noise from the diesel outside by my bedroom window that kept me up. Anyway, Ricky won the annual firehouse raffle in Kamloops, and got a trip to DC to see his beloved Habs play the Washington Caps.  They won, but what really excited him is he said that half the town was smoking Mary Jane.  He said as soon as he got out of the Metro train, he smelled it.  In the alleys of Georgetown, he smelled it. At the arena, he smelled it. The kids hawking hats were smoking. He says everybody smokes weed. He’s sure that the Yanks’ infrastructure law was passed to get a new transcontinental highway straight from BC to DC to provide all the politicos, so Ricky doesn’t want to miss out. He couldn’t wait to ramp up his homegrown production and said his Uncle Shirley (don’t ask) was a gold digger in the Klondike, and Kenny’s gonna keep up the family tradition and grow his ‘gold’. I do have to say his stuff is pretty good - but I only know for medicinal purposes. Speaking of medicine, watching the NHL this week gave me a headache….

That headache came courtesy of trying to keep track of all the close games, and we start with our first one as the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad travelled to take on NoKe (brought to you by Draft Kings). BSPS threw all their cards down on the table early, led by the twin running attack of RB’s Dalvin Cook and D’ernest Johnson, who both grabbed 20 apiece. While the rest of the lineup didn’t exactly light the world on fire, neither did NoKe’s in the early going, with WR Russel Gage and TE TJ Hockenson both posting goose eggs. With it all to do at the end of the matchup, it was up to WR Cooper Kupp (23) and RB Elijah Mitchell (9) to add to the efforts from WR Justin Jefferson (23) and RB Antonio Gibson (21). It just wasn’t quite enough, and BSPS outlasts NoKe, 113-109.

Another one that came down to the wire was BlahBlahBlah hosting Hair43HOF. Different game, same story - the B’s laid it all out early on the table, with the rushing attack of Tony Pollard (17), Najee Harris (17), and Christian McAffery (25) showing them how it’s done. For the Hair, there were a few players left in reserve after they missed the start of the game doing their conditioner routine, as K Harrison Butker and WR Brandon Aiyuk had to make up the difference. Once again, it just didn’t cut the mustard, as not only could the Hair not get past the B’s, they couldn’t get past the “Mendoza Line” (which is one of Ricky’s new strains, coincidentally). BlahBlahBlah takes this one, 101-97.

Speaking of late pushes, let’s take a look at Council of Steel hosting God’s Country. For the Council, they got off to a slow start, but it was ok, because they also had a slow middle and slow finish - maybe they ate some of Ricky’s hash gummy bears and got “couch locked”. It didn’t seem to effect QB Derek Carr (18) and TE Travis Kelce (19), but the rest of the team must have had low tolerance - as a group, they combined for just 83 points. It wasn’t easy going in God’s Country either, however - with RB Damien Harris out due to injury, they were playing with just 8. With strong showings from WR CeeDee Lamb (29) and the Packer D (27), it was TE George Kittle and his 16 points that got God’s Country the edge in this one. It was a bittersweet victory, however, as even though they won, God’s Country becomes the first team to be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs in a tough Keenan Division this year. They continue to fight on for pride (and a little bonus money at the end).

From the back of the playoff race to the front, let’s take a look at favorite LLL, who was on the road facing Knute Rockme. For Team Rockme, it was RB Darrel Williams leading the way with 29 points. The rest of the team didn’t follow his lead, however, as no one else could do better than 15 - more of Ricky’s customers, perhaps. For LLL, it was academic once again, as QB Patrick Mahomes (35) and WR Stefan Diggs (30) both had career days, and the Bill’s 21-point defensive effort sealed things up nicely. LLL improves to 9-1 with this win and looks like a lock for the Big Game At The End Of The Year (That’s Happening This Year In Week 16) (TM). 

Next up, we’ve got the Destroyers taking on Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child in their backyard. The Destroyers came out looking strong, as QB Josh Allen and WR Devonta Smith both had 22’s. TE Mark Andrews added 18 in a very solid effort, leaving a high mark for MRLC to meet. For that side, TE Mike Gesicki must have misunderstood what “high” mark meant, as he dropped all 7 of his targets - perhaps the old hand-eye coordination was a bit impaired. Thankfully, the rest of the team didn’t catch a contact high, just all their passes, as they had 20 from RB Mark Ingram, 26 each from QB Dak Prescott and WR Tyreek Hill, and 28 from a strong Colts D unit. The Love Child is victorious and stays in the playoff hunt.

Finally, let’s take a look at 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck hosting the Kale Kings (is it really “Kale?” Hmmmmm....). The Kale Kings once again trotted out their same tired lineup, once again starting a player on bye. Still, 29 from WR Deebo Samuel and 20 from RB Ezekiel Elliott meant that KK wasn’t going to be a pushover. With the pride of basically the league resting on their shoulders, it was up to the 843 to dispatch the absentee leafy greeners. Led by 24 from RB Johnathan Taylor and 31 from a staunch Cowboys unit, the numbers didn’t lie, and they spelled disaster for Kale Kings. 

With your Yank conservatives talking legalization, Kenny thinks there’s gold in them hills. He’s planning on leasing another pad in our park next to our private clubhouse trailer (the single wide Marcel converted a couple of years ago when his mother-in-law left with the Novia Scotia Separatists). He’s getting a used C-bin and going all in. Our park manager Phil won’t care, as long as Ricky paints a fake door on the side of the C-bin and pays his monthly on time. We’ll be able to do our Tuesday darts, oversee the horticulture, and sip the acorn squash hootch in the comfort of the “Tiny Man Cave”. Ricky says that’s how you do a business lunch. Maybe I’ll get a part time side gig pinching buds and trimming - after all, freelancing the NHL just doesn’t pay all the light bills. 

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, you may have noticed, but as we roll into American Thanksgiving (or Yanksgiving as we call it) there’s a few notable college football rivalry games going on this week. Storied rivalries between schools that hate each other like Old Miss and Mississippi State, North Carolina and NC State, Ohio and Michigan, and Alabama and Auburn. Many of these games have equally impressive and storied names - the Egg Bowl, “Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate”, The War on I-4, the Commonwealth Cup, or just “The Game”. The best one I saw, though, was published on the front page of our American sister sports network ESPN just this morning, which I’ve decided to include here for your amusement. I should point out that this is a direct quote from their website, edited only so the formatting and fonts match the rest of my article.

Matchup: Texas A&M @ LSU

This year's game: Saturday, 7 p.m., ESPN and ESPN App

All-time record: LSU, 34-22-3

Current streak: Texas A&M, 1 (LSU, 8 of the past 10)

Better known as: Nothing, but Les Miles once had an idea: "We need a trophy. Somebody needs to come up with a trophy. There's so much petroleum right? On both ends. Maybe some kind of big petroleum something. No, not a barrel. A wrench or something."

So, with that catchy moniker (thanks, Les), I thought it would be fun to assign all this week’s games equally interesting and topical titles. Some named for the rivalry within, some named more like a stupid wintertime bowl game which I’ll explain later. Here we go.

We start things off with BlahBlahBlah at Council of Steel, in “A House Divided.” Always a fun one to watch when two GM’s share the same last name, much better when they share a marriage license. Both teams are also scrabbling to get off the bottom of the close Wayne Division and sneak back in to the playoff race, giving this one even more of an interest factor. The B’s came out swinging with 76 points in the early going, and never let their foot off the gas. 25 from RB Christian McAffery and 21 from the Bucs D were nice showpeices for the B’s. The Council, on the other hand, could just never get going - when your kicker is your 3rd leading scorer, you’ve got problems. 18 for TE Travis Kelce was the saving grace here, but the girls get bragging rights at the Thanksgiving table this year, with BlahBlahBlah on top 132-84.

Next up, we’re looking at 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck hosting NoKe (brought to you by DraftKings) in what I’m calling “The Numbers Game”. It’s obvious to see why - the 843, with their numerical name, and NoKe, with their outrageous number of waiver moves and trade attempts. It was even more obvious when they took to the field, as this one was an absolute barn-burner - probably the highest scoring game combined of the year and possibly in NHL history. For the 843, RB Michael Carter exited early with an injury, but it didn’t matter, as RB Jonathan Taylor put the team on his back and hung 52 points in an absolute career day (32 rushes for 185 yds, 3 catches for 19 yds, and 5 total TDs). QB Jalen Hurts’ 31 and WR Keenan Allen’s 20, great numbers in their own right, pale in comparison. Not to be outdone, NoKe responded in kind, with WR Justin Jefferson going off for 36 (8 catches for 169 and 2 TDs), QB Justin Herbert notching 35, and WR Elijah Moore scoring 29. NoKe also pumped the numbers the other way, as K Younghoe Koo backed them up with a -1. An absolute treat to watch, NoKe emerges victorious by a score of 168-162. For Taylor’s performance, the 843 takes ownership of the “You Got Rocked” Award, and for Koo’s, NoKe gets joint ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT. Both teams deserve kudos for this one.

A tough act to follow, but that job was left to Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child visiting Knute Rockme in “The Players’ Cup”. Two longtime friends and golf buddies squared off here in a battle to determine who pays the greens fees on their next 18. For MRLC, WR Tyreek Hill (19) and RB Miles Gaskin (17) were their usual, high-scoring selves, but the performance of QB Dak Prescott with just 2 points really screwed up the final scorecard the way a bad shank into a pond does. Knute Rockme looked to the power of wielding QB Aaron Rodgers and his 32 points against his namesake team, and WR Adam Thielen’s 22 saved the side like a clean chip out of the bunker. In the end, Knute Rockme takes this one, 127-104.

Two teams with foreboding names faced off in the “Endgame” as LLL, who’s title constantly reminds you of the result you’ll have against them, visited the Destroyers, who’s title constantly reminds you of what they’ll do to you. LLL had the usual stable production from veteran RB James Connor (20), and a surprisingly good outing from WR Darnell Moody (23). The other LLL pass catchers, Stefon Diggs and Chris Godwin, were also solid. The Destroyers weren’t as predictable, with names like Josh Allen and Jamarr Chase disappointing. However, TE Mark Andrews had a solid contribution from his position, and WR Davante Adams had a stellar 30-point effort. It just wasn’t quite enough, however, as LLL wins this divisional matchup, 124-112. With that, LLL further extends his lead on the Keenan, mathematically eliminating the Destroyers from the playoffs. RIP - Rest In Pain, Destroyers - it suits your name.

Hoo boy, now I’m starting to reach. In the, uhhhh.... “Mineral Bowl”, Hair43HOF hosted the Kale Kings. The Kale Kings obviously bring a lot of health benefits and supplements to the table, and the Hair just wants you to apply Head and Shoulders religiously to keep your cranial foliage long, strong and healthy. The Kale Kings front office mysteriously returned to action for Week 11, actually making personnel moves and starting 9 players - and what a world of good it did! The Pats D posted 34, RB Joe Mixon had 24, and RB Dandre Swift had 22, as the Kale Kings totted up 149. With it all to do, the Follicle Force looked to QB Cam Newton (25) in his homecoming, and WRs Diontae Johnson (23) and Jaylen Waddle (21) were key contributors. What really sent this squad over the edge, though, was RB Austin Ekeler and his 41-point day. Hair43HOF scored 157 and the win, while the Kale Kings, perhaps left out to wilt for too many weeks, are mathematically eliminated from the playoff race.

Finally, we have what’s probably my weakest effort as a writer, as the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad visited God’s Country in what I have no choice but to call the “Perillo Tours Bowl.” Why? Well, we all know Bishop Sycamore HS doesn’t have an actual home field (much like they’re not an actual high school), so maybe taking a trip would help them find some real estate. And the players from God’s Country - well, I think they went on an actual Perillo Tour this week, because they certainly didn’t show up to play. This game was as bad to watch as one of those damn Perillo Tour commercials that seems to air constantly during TV timeouts and lasts way too long. God’s Country had a lone bright spot in QB Tom Brady with 20, and TE George Kittle continues to produce at the position with 13, but the rest of the player scorelines went 6, 0, 8, 7, 4, 5, 2 - that’s a “wanna get away?” moment. Perhaps unsurprisingly, God’s Country now shares ownership of The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (still confusingly presented by Hefty brand trash bags - someone should get them a bowl game this year) for their 65 point effort, tying the low mark of the season. It was all academic for the “high school students”, as 6 different players all bettered the 20-point mark for BSPS. Granted, it wasn’t totally smooth sailing - K Tyler Bass had a rough day and scored just -1 point, also putting a share of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT in the trophy case by the totally real front office.

In the same keeping as our Yank counterparts, I would be remiss not to mention some of the classic Canadian rivalries at play. Of course, there’s the Carelton University Ravens and the U of Ottowa Gee-Gee’s who meet in the annual Panda Game (really, none of that is made up), UToronto, York and Ryerson U, who play in the Red & Blue Bowl, and of course, UBC and Simon Fraser University who meet in the Shrum Bowl. There are, of course, some other less well-known rivalries I’ll also be covering this year - I’m keeping a close eye in 2022 on Shanghai Jiao Tong University and Fudan University, whose bitter rivalry is contested across track, soccer, bike racing, and - get this - dragon boat racing. I’m expecting a lot of water cooler talk about that one this year.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, we knew it was coming. American Thanksgiving has come and gone again for another year. Out of deference to my southern neighbors, I decided to have a little get-together and meal with a few close friends this past week. Granted, we still did things a little different – moose rump roast instead of turkey, poutine instead of mashed taters and gravy, and some of Aunt Mabel’s bathtub gin in lieu of…well, everything else. Moose meat doesn’t have tryptophan in it the way turkey does, but after some of that high-proof family hooch, we all had the same outcome – asleep in the chairs around the table after 3 hours of chowing down. Thankfully, I woke up from my stupor just in time to catch some entertaining fantasy football action, so while I still digest, let’s start chewing through some of last week’s results.

We start with Knute Rockme taking on 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck. Two very different approaches in this one, much like the longstanding rivalry between mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. The Rockme boys put all their effort into the passing attack, with QB Aaron Rodgers tossing 27 points worth of deep balls and laserlike strikes to WR Adam Thielen (23). Knute Rockme also went with the double-TE strategy, which paid off as second tight end Dalton Schultz was able to snag 15. For the 843, it was all about the ground game, as RBs Javontae Williams and Jonathan Taylor both netted 19 points. In the end, it was the aerial attack that proved to be superior, as Team Rockme took the win 128-100.

Next, let’s take a look at Council of Steel hosting NoKe (brought to you by Draft Kings). The Council brought their “A” game this week, once again posting a 100% efficiency rating, while NoKe with just 79% was definitely feeling that extra plate of turkey and gravy. The Council had great leadership from QB Derek Carr (21) and RB JD McKissic (22), and the Texans D/ST had a respectable 16. With the bar set, it was up to NoKe to match it, and they turned to WR Cooper Kupp (18), QB Justin Herbert (20), and RB Antonio Gibson (23) to get it done. It was just enough, giving NoKe the edge in this close one, 115-106.

In another close one, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child went on the road to face BlahBlahBlah. Both squads definitely had not finished digesting before game time, and played like they didn’t want to run too fast to avoid cramping up as neither squad could eclipse the Mendoza line of 100 points. The B’s had a great 20-point performance from the Giants D/ST, but with no one other than WR Jarvis Landry (15) getting past 11 points, and the season-ending injury to RB Christian McAffery, this is a team that’s hurting in more ways than one. For the Love Children, QB Dak Prescott had 25 with his turkey leg, WR Hunter Renfrow had 24, and RB Miles Gaskin had 18, but that’s where the scoring stopped. MRLC sneaks away with a victory, 99-92.

In what was a less competitive matchup, Kale Kings hosted the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad. One owner was clearly ready to go and made a clear effort to put his best team forward, while the other had clearly left a few days early to get a jump on his Thanksgiving vacation. Take a guess who won? That’s right, the team who…didn’t prepare? In what seems to be a recurring story this year, the Kale Kings once again did not start 9, but was able to ride 32 from RB Joe Mixon, 29 from the Patriots D/ST, and a shocking 20 points from K Nick Folk to another impressive total. For BSPS, it was a total collapse, like a pie crust that’s been overbaked. The Bears D/ST had 18, but that was the only thing for them to write home about. KK takes this one easily, 137-82, as BSPS continues to try and keep the rest of Keenan at arm’s length in the playoff race.

Speaking of the playoffs, let’s take a look at the Destroyers hosting God’s Country. I may have spoke prematurely in prior weeks about teams being eliminated from the playoffs, but this week, we did have our first ACTUAL official elimination. For the long-suffering God’s Country, if this game was a Thanksgiving dinner, then the pie was burned, the turkey got eaten by the family dog, and the cranberry sauce was dropped on the floor. GM Todd had a Thanksgiving mix-up and completely forgot to set his lineup for the week, with disastrous result. Only 6 starters, and the remaining player scorelines reading 17, 12, 12, 2, 2 and 2, meant that the Todd Squad’s 47 is not only worthy of The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for the low score on the year, but according to the Bellyash Sporting Bureau, it is in fact the lowest-ever score in league history. For the Destroyers, they never took their foot off the gas, highlighted by 25 from QB Josh Allen and a very impressive 44 from RB Leonard Fournette enroute to a 148-point total. This very fittingly earned them the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 101-point margin of victory, another all-time NHL record, and the accompanying “Soda Can” Award of course, unfortunately, going to God’s Country. With the loss, God’s Country become the first team officially mathematically eliminated from the postseason. Probably should have had Team 843 check my numbers the other week, based on their team name those guys seem like good mathematicians.

Finally, our primetime game saw LLL on the road against Hair43HOF. In an absolute Thanksgiving shootout, LLL looked to solidify their position on top of the Keenan while the Hair looked to close the gap and improve their playoff chances. This was an absolute feast of points, with only 3 players in the single digits. The Hair started things off big with 19 from the Ravens D/ST, 21 from RB Austin Ekeler, and 28 from WR Jaylen Waddle. Not to be outdone, LLL answered with 20 each from the Bills and WR Stefon Diggs, 22 from the up-and-down QB Mac Jones, and 26 from dual-threat Cordarelle Patterson. This one ended with LLL on top again, 151-144. With that win, LLL clinches the Keenan, and becomes the first of two teams to secure one of the matching pair of the Duke Of Sealand Cups for taking division honors this season. Congrats to them.

Well, that’s all the games covered (in gravy?) and all my dinner from last week finally digested. We’re already dealing with a thin layer of permafrost and a good blanket of snow on the ground here, so thankfully there weren’t too many folks out there fighting each other for a TV on Black Friday. My Christmas shopping this year should be easy – everything I need to get is all sold at one store so I only need to make one stop. No, not Walmart – Canadian Tire, you knuckleheads. What other place can I pick up a set of Goodyears, a deer blind, a new blender, a pond hockey twig, and a 144-pack of eggs all under one roof? Once some of this snow gets plowed out of the way, I’ll be there, first in line – maybe I’ll see some of you there.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Usually, it’s the summer months that are the “sports doldrums”, with typically your only options being early- or mid-season baseball, the CFL, and maybe some cricket if you’ve bootlegged the chip in your satellite dish. This is an unusual year, though, with many postponed events and trying to build hype for the upcoming months, which I was also unfortunately subject to since I steal cable from my cousin Jack (who graciously ran a cable all the way to Regina from across the fence in Montana). That meant all summer, I saw many TV broadcasters pushing ads for the typical global/international sporting competitions, like the NBC with the Olympics, Fox with the World Cup, the ABC/ESPN/Disney conglomerate with Formula 1, and CBS with...uhh, the World Series of Poker. Granted, there’s lots of cool global competitions - The Tour de France, Wimbledon and the French Open, The Masters and the British Open, the Running of the Bulls, the Dakar Rally and the 24 Hours of Le Mans, the Cricket World Cup, the FIS Alpine World Ski Championship, the Billabong ISA World Surfing Games, and of course, the Volvo Ocean Race. This week, though, in honor of those incessant advertisements, I thought it would be interesting to look at each NHL matchup and compare it to a lesser-known world championship - both drawing attention to novel sports that could benefit from an additional set of eyes, as well as mocking...I mean, drawing distinct parallels between a familiar sport and an unfamiliar one. Let’s get started.

Let’s start out with Kale Kings hosting God’s Country. Kale Kings seems to have adapted the absentee style of management once again, or one might even call it toothless - much like famed World Gurning Championship contender Peter Jackman, who had all his teeth removed to better compete in his discipline. Toothless really is a better term - with just 58 points mustered, KK couldn’t even chew some leafy greens, let alone a substantial score like God’s Country. The Todd Squad clearly took their inspiration from 15-time gurning champion Tommy Mattinson, led by 39 from TE George Kittle and his winning smile. 28 from Touchdown Tommy and 21 from WR Ceedee Lamb aren’t anything to grimace at either, but the final total sure was - God’s Country wins this one by a score of 154-58. Yikes. Could this be the characteristic late-season push we typically see from God’s Country? Time will tell. (In case you don’t know what gurning is, here’s a picture of some top-flight competition. You’re welcome.)

Speaking of absenteeism, let’s shift gears and take a look at Council of Steel on the Road against 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck. Both owners seemingly neglected their lineups for Week 13, but with wildly differing results. Both lineups featuring just 7 starters, it was the 843 that turned in a performance reminiscent of International Cherry Pit-Spitting Championship world-record holder Brian “Young Gun” Krause (93 feet, 6 1/2 inches). The Cowboys D had 29, RB Javonte Williams had 28, RB Jonathan Taylor had 24, and WR Keenan Allen caught enough for 21 (plus a case of covid). The Council, on the other hand, probably couldn’t have contended for the Manjimup Cherry Spit title, netting just 52 points in a disappointing effort as they drop this one 133-52, and are now mathematically eliminated from the postseason.

And while we’re on the topic of blowout wins, I’d be amiss not to segue into Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child hosting NoKe (brought to you by Draft Kings). NoKe turned in a performance akin to World Toe Wrestling champion Ben “Total Destruction” Woodroffe, dominating the competition. Like a strong right foot, NoKe was lead by breakout WR star Justin Jefferson, the big toe with 35, and the rest following suit - WR Cooper Kupp with 26, QB Justin Herbert with 24, the Chiefs D/ST with 23, and RB Antonio Gibson being the pinky toe with 21. MRLC looked more like kid’s champ Dolly Millward - good, but simply not in the same league. 26 from the Colts D/ST was the only notable performance, as NoKe solidifies their grasp on the Wayne and MRLC fights to stay in the playoff hunt, dropping this one to NoKe 178-98.

Our next matchup saw the Destroyers hosting Hair43HOF. With such an expertly coiffed squad involved in this one, I’d be remiss if I didn’t link this matchup to the World Beard and Mustache Championships. With 23 from RB Josh Jacobs, and 21 from RB Leonard Fournette, the Destroyers put in an effort similar to 2019 Natural Beard competitor Fabrizio Bottos - impressive, but not unobtainable. Not to be outdone in the scoring or hair department, the Follicle Force put together an impressive display led by WR Diontae Johnson (30), with support from WR Jaylen Waddle (21), RB Devonta Freeman (20), and some styling wax, in a performance akin to 3-time Freestyle Moustache champ Ghandi Jones. The Hair gets the win here, 152-112, as they try and solidify their position in the playoff hunt. 

Next, we take a look at Knute Rockme on the road against BlahBlahBlah, in what was a close matchup. A close matchup it may have been, but it was also a scoring slog, so it only seems appropriate to look to the World Bog Snorkeling Championship for inspiration. For Knute Rockme, it seemed like only WR Tyler Lockett (19) and the Dolphins D/ST (17) wanted to push the issue, while BlahBlahBlah had to rely on the points output of QB Tua Tagovailoa (18) and RB Tony Pollard (17). Neither team were going to set world records (unlike the UK’s Neil Rutter, who swam 2 lengths of the Waen Rhyyd bog in just 1 minute, 18.81 seconds, the world record), but they were both able to flounder their way to an 87-82 final with Team Rockme on top. With that loss, the B’s are formally eliminated from playoff contention as well - maybe both these squads would have better luck in the World Mountain Bike Bog Snorkeling Championship. 

Finally, in our primetime game of the week, playoff contenders LLL and the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad did battle in a multifaceted fight much akin (in my humble opinion) to the World Chessboxing Championship. Faced with a major running back problem, BSPS had to turn to the waiver wire this week in a strategy move not unlike the initial strategy-based run of Dutchman Iepe Rubingh (middleweight) in 2003. Some success was had in turning to RB Alexander Mattison (21), but RB Devin Singletary’s 3 was the same as moving your king right into a checkmate. QB Kirk Cousins (21) tried to save the day, but the bar was set low for LLL. In a performance more like 3-time heavyweight champ Sergio Leveque’s 2016 knockout title defense, LLL powered their way through their opponent, landing the knockout punch with 29 from WR Chris Godwin. When the judges’ scorecards and the chess scoreboard were all added up, LLL took the victory 122-98. With nothing to gain as they already have clinched the Keenan, the now 12-1 LLL puts more distance on their rivals as BSPS was pushed down deeper into a muddy wildcard race. 

I know when I’m feeling worldly, I like to flick on the Rugby World Cup, or after I’ve had a few, I’ll watch coverage of the Egg Throwing World Championship. What you might not know is that I’m a competitor in our local Celtic Games, and I’m hoping to build on my experience there when I enter the First Nations annual competitive moose hunt and wrangling. I’ve been keeping it hush-hush, but now that the cat’s out of the bag, I hope I can count on your support. Maybe this year, I won’t get trampled and break my femur again. It’s in 4 weeks - I hope to see you all there.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, boys and girls, Week 14 is in the books. With the one-week extension of the season, that means it’s crunch time, and what would ordinarily be the last week of the regular season becomes the new penultimate showdown in this year’s NHL race to the top. Speaking of races that went one week longer than normal, last weekend also saw the crowning of a new Formula 1 champion in Max Verstappen. Usually, I’m only interested in snowmobile racing, but with my bootlegged American internet I started watching that Netflix show during the global stay-inside time, and I got really into it. Much like our own NHL, they were a week behind due to additional races on the calendar this year, and I was able to watch a thrilling battle with a last-lap pass for the title over my stolen cable. Let’s just hope that our own benevolent overlord, Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman, doesn’t monkey around with the rules the way the FIA and Micheal Masi did at Yas Marina. No goofy theme this week, because this is serious business - just a cool parallel to another global sporting event that I feel like doesn’t get enough love. Kind of like snowmobile racing.

In our first of what I’ll call “foregone conclusion” games, the already-eliminated BlahBlahBlah went on the road against a tough squad in NoKe (brought to you by DraftKings). The B’s were just playing for pride in this one, and while RB Najee Harris had a nice 25-point outing, it wasn’t enough to overcome the injury to RB Tony Pollard, a goose egg day for RB James Robinson, and tough sledding for K Chris Boswell (1). NoKe continues to use that DraftKings sponsorship money to bring in the top names like WR Cooper Kupp (31), RB Alvin Kamara (24) and rookie sensation QB Justin Herbert (23). NoKe takes this one 135-97, and with that victory, secures the Wayne and the other half of the matching set of Duke of Sealand Cups.

In the other game of similar ilk, the already Keenan-clinching LLL hosted the already-eliminated Kale Kings. The Kale Kings once again trotted out the same wilted roster, with similar results as previous contests. Playing shorthanded, and with only QB Russell Wilson (18) eclipsing the 15-point mark, it was another disappointing outing for the leafy greens. LLL has nothing left to prove in the regular season, but that didn’t stop RB James Conner (33) and WR Chris Godwin (20) from having big days. LLL wins this one handily, 149-89.

Now, we move into our matchups with playoff implications. Kicking things off, we had 80% Mental, 40% Physical and 30% Luck hosting Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. With both teams within a game of .500, this was a crucial point in determining the outcome of both season. The 843 picked a bad week to rely on just that 30% Luck, however, starting only 4 players (3 byes, 2 Covids). Granted, they had some decent showings - 31 for the Cowboys and 21 for Jamaal Williams - but that was never going to get it done against a full lineup. The Love Children showed no signs of Covid toe, as the Titans had 29, TE Mark Andrews and WR Hunter Renfrow had 28 each, and even RB Aaron Jones got in on the action with 21. MRLC takes the easy win 156-69 to stay in the playoff hunt, and with that loss Team Bad Math is eliminated from the postseason.

Next up, we had the already eliminated but sneaky strong God’s Country looking to play spoiler against Hair43HOF. God’s Country certainly didn’t make it easy at home in the promised land, wowing with stellar performances from TE George Kittle (34), QB Tom Brady (32 - he’s still got it), sneaky pickup RB Rashaad Penny (26), and even an impressive 16 from K Matt Prater. The Hair, on the other hand, was full of dandruff this week, hurt even more by a devastating injury to linchpin QB Lamar Jackson. TE Dawson Knox (19) and WR KJ Osborn (17) tried to hold down the fort, but they were swiftly ejected from God’s Country, as the Todd Squad romped to a 174-106 win. Look out boys, this team is my favorite for the Week 16-17 NHL scoring challenge.

In a similar situation, the Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad went on the road to take on the already eliminated Destroyers, who were looking to bring the pain this week and salvage some pride. They certainly managed that, led by QB Josh Allen who had a 35-point day, and WR Davante Adams who added 34 of his own (RB Leonard Fournette’s 22 wasn’t too shabby either). The Practice Squad, on the other hand, certainly lived up to their name, with RB Dalvin Cook (34) and WR Mike Evans (21) the only two players who looked like they might get a call up for the playoffs. The Destroyers take this one 161-121, and while BSPS is still in it, they’re definitely on the outside looking in coming in to to next week. This squad is gonna have to take a few gambles to keep their playoff dream alive.

Finally, our primetime game of the week saw the now left-out Council of Steel looking to make an impact against the scrappy Knute Rockme. The Council has been plagued with injuries all year, and this week was no exception. With only 8 healthy starters in the lineup, the Council turned to the still playing but banged up RB Melvin Gordon (23), and oft-forgotten WR Brandin Cooks (18) for production. With the bar set, but at an attainable level, the Rockme boys certainly looked like they could get it done, spearheaded by twin 27’s from QB Aaron Rodgers and WR Tyler Lockett. It was GM Mark’s beloved Lions that let the team down, however, scoring -2 and giving the team sole ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT. This cost them dearly, as the Council steals a victory by just one point 108-107. Knute Rockme is still in it after this heartbreaking loss, but they, too, are on the outside looking in going into the final week of the regular season. 

Well, everyone has their marching orders for next week. LLL and NoKe can rest easy on their division laurels and drink warm Molsons out of their shiny new Duke of Sealand Cups. For the Kale Kings, the Destroyers, God’s Country, the 843, the Council, and the B’s, they can all pretty much treat next week as a break, hoovering up waiver-wire gambles as they prepare for the two-week scoring challenge that is to come. For Knute Rockme and MRLC, however, next week is going to be a little more stressy. MRLC just needs to hope for some losses, and a win helps their cause tremendously. Team Rockme needs a W and some help, but they can still get it. For BSPS and the Hair, it’s gonna be even more sweaty - they do battle next week for what is likely the last playoff spot in (if my math is correct) a win-and-you’re-in, loser leaves town showdown. It’s gonna be a good one - get the popcorn ready.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider 

As this week marks the announcement of the NFL’s Pro Bowl Roster, it sparked an interesting internal debate among the independent Canadian fantasy sportswriting community (meaning I shouted at my own reflection in my truck’s side mirror while I was taking a leak on the side of the road). Every major sport has an all-star game of some kind, from the normal Big 4 to the MLS, the National Lacrosse League, and even Formula Drift (the Long Beach invitational round). Heck, NASCAR actually has two (the actual All-Star Race at Charlotte and the Clash at Daytona during February’s Speedweeks). Some, like the MLB, maintain some semblance of the normal game played at a high level, while others, like the NFL and NBA, are just opportunities for showing off that are frankly farcical. The fake NHL really leaned into it by abandoning the game of hockey as we know it and turning it into what’s basically a pickup pond hockey tournament with the best players in the world, to surprising success. That got me thinking - since the best players of the game are usually spread out across multiple teams, why not take the best team (the one that wins the championship) and have them duke it out with the best players of the ones that aren’t in the big show? All the players that have been knocked out of the postseason vs. the champs in a battle for bragging rights, with champs trying to prove that they really are the best squad with the other guys trying to reclaim some glory, and maybe settle some scores now that the season is over? I’m sure a few of our NHL owners would support that plan after this past week’s events. 

Let’s start things off with the games that aren’t going to have any bigtime playoff implications. Kicking things off, we’ve got 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck hosting BlahBlahBlah in what amounts to a tuneup game for both squads going into the two-week scoring challenge in Weeks 16 and 17. The 843 is looking strong, as QB Jalen Hurts and the Cowboys were both good for 26 a pop and RB Johnathan Taylor continues to impress, notching 23. There’s clearly still some work to do in the area of generating big scores for this team, however - TE Tyler Higbee didn’t catch anything but a case of Covid and K Ryan Succop actually cost his squad a point. Speaking of work to do, The B’s are going to have to make some changes if they want to take home a prize in the New Year Dash For Cash - 8 starters and only two players over 15 (The Bucs with 18 and RB James Robinson with 17) just isn’t going to get it done. The 843 gets a win in the last week of the year as both teams rest up for next week. 

Second on the list, we have a familiar story between two more teams relegated to the doldrums of the consolation ranking. Kale Kings was on the road against the Destroyers in a yet another repeat of this season’s activities. KK once again had an injury-riddled lineup that couldn’t start 9, yet somehow bullshitted their way to an improbable victory against a Destroyers team that had another off week. KK WR Deebo Samuel and the Bengals D/ST both had 18, while the scoring leaders for the Destroyers were QB Josh Allen (17) and WR Davante Adams (16). Neither team lit up the charts in this one, and both will look to improve in the Dash For Cash.

In a game that had a little more on the line, #1 seed lock LLL took on his pops as he hosted God’s Country. While the playoffs weren’t going to change based on the outcome of this game, it certainly could have changed the family dynamic in the Holden household around the holidays. Led by TE George Kittle’s 15 points, the Todd Squad might have taken it easy on his progeny, but with 29 from LLL QB Patrick Mahomes, GM Grant took the opportunity to once again remind us how and why he’s been dominating the league all year. Like I said, no playoff changes, but now there just might not be a shiny new toy under the tree in that house this year - just a hunch.

Now, for the games that really had it all to play for this week. The squad with the longest shot was Knute Rockme, who needed to beat #2 seed NoKe (brought to you by DraftKings) and a little extra help from around the league to make the dance. Team Rockme certainly came out swinging, with 23 from QB Aaron Rodgers, 20 from TE Dalton Schultz, and 17 from WR Marquez Callaway. The 124-point total looked to have sealed the deal going in to Monday, and the Rockme boys waited with bated breath to see what would happen in the next game down the list. In the end, it didn’t matter, as a late push from NoKe added on to the impressive totals from WR Cooper Kupp and QB Justin Herbert to give the division champs the victory in this one. With that, Knute Rockme was eliminated - a disappointing end to an otherwise fine campaign this year.

Of course, their rivals for the playoff spot, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child, had no way of knowing the outcome ahead of time, so they focused on their battle with visitors Council Of Steel with a much simpler goal in mind - win, and we’re in. Despite missing RB Jarrod McKissic, the Council certainly didn’t make things easy for them, relishing the opportunity to play spoiler. An astounding 41 from TE Travis Kelce, backed up by 31 from the Texans and 29 from WR Brandin Cooks, meant that the Love Children had a climb up a mountain instead of a hill to have their hippy prayer circle. But Birkenstocks be damned, it was a mountain they climbed just the same, led by the sherpas of TE Mark Andrews (35), WR Tyreek Hill (32), and second TE Dallas Goedert (20). MRLC takes the win, and by math, the playoff spot in the Wayne. Well done to them.

Finally, we had what promised to be a bloodbath, as the tired and dinged-up Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad hosted a fresher, scrappier Hair43HOF in a fight to the death over the last playoff spot on offer. Both teams needed the win in a Thunderdome-esque “two teams enter, one team leaves” showdown. Those that were expecting a high-octane shootout were disappointed, as this one looked like a muddy trench slog with a 93-83 final. For BSPS, the first signs of trouble showed when all four pass-catchers could only combine for 24 total points, and things started to look worse when the Bears defense with just 19 points was the leading scorer. That said, it wasn’t much easier for the Hair, with double 17’s from the Browns and RB Austin Ekeler being the high water marks for that side. In the end, it was the Hair that triumphed, exposing Bishop Sycamore for the frauds they were, and capping the 3rd straight annual performance of GM Will’s best impression of the 2011 Red Sox late-season blowup. 

So, with all that said and done, we have our matchups for the semifinal. LLL and Hair43HOF. NoKe (brought to you by DraftKings) and Mr. Rodger’s Love Child. Everybody else versus everybody else. Actually, that “everyone vs. everyone” line gives me another idea, to circle back to the start - why doesn’t each sport just send 2 or 3 athletes to like a knockoff Olympics, where we can really see who’s the best of the best? I would love to see Otani and Ovechkin take on David Beckham and Kyle Busch in a home run derby, getting pitches from Phil Mickelson, before they all go to the 3-point contest. Maybe that’s not as good an idea as I think - I broke into the Christmas eggnog a little early and this stuff is good. Until next week - hopefully Canadian Santa (he looks the same, but he’s blue because his outfit is all denim) climbs down your propane furnace vent with lots of goodies.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

Well, I hope everyone was good boys and girls this year and got their magical non-denominational holiday presents. Despite my welfare fraud case back in the spring, Canadian Santa still paid me a visit on December 26th like he does every year, resplendent in his denim fur-lined suit, straddling his magic flying 2-stroke Snocat, bringing tidings of goodwill and cheer to all except for the Frenchies in Quebec. I got a great Christmas haul this year - a signed Dave Ridgeway Roughriders jersey, 4 cases of jerky, and 20 lumps of coal so I don’t freeze in January. He couldn’t bring me a Blue Bombers loss in the Grey Cup, but I think I was a bit drunk when I went to the mall and I seem to recall asking the guy in the Easter Bunny costume for that one. You win some, you lose some. Maybe the Jets won’t make the Stanley Cup playoffs come springtime instead.

The NHL playoffs always give me a bit of a headache when I write my weekly column at the end of the season because I never quite know how to structure it. I think I’ll revert to a formula I’ve used in years past - going through the individual performances of our now 8 teams in the Dash for Cash before reviewing our two playoff matchups. Let’s take things from back to front - 

#8/8 - BlahBlahBlah - 87. Fittingly for 8th place, the B’s were behind the 8 ball from the start with WR Nelson Agholor a late scratch with a bonk on the head. RB James Robinson’s injury sending him to season-ending IR after just 10 yards made matters worse, leaving the weight to be carried by the Buccaneers (25) and QB Kyler Murray (20). The B’s have some serious catching up to do.

#7/8 - God’s Country - 97. This one confused me, because on paper this is a high-octane team capable of 150+ points, and we’ve seen high totals from the Todd Squad this year. Big names just fell flat this week, with disappointing outings from the likes of RB Saquon Barkely and TE George Kittle. The Packers (20) and RB Rashaad Penny (19) were the high points this week as God’s Country makes one final push for the promised land.

#6/8 - Council of Steel - 111. The first of our teams to break the Mendoza line, the Council abandoned the rush early on. With both backs combining for just 4, it was the WR’s in Amon-Ra St. Brown (25), Amari Cooper (22), and Marvin Jones (15) that kept the team afloat this week. 12 out of K Greg Joseph ain’t bad either.

#5/8 - Kale Kings - 118. With the same piecemeal lineup that’s been in place most of the season, the Kings still manage to squeeze ludicrous production out of sub-optimal conditions. 31 points from RB Joe Mixon and 24 from WR Deebo Samuel continue to highlight their weekly value, and bring credence to the strategy of drafting smart and locking in a good core.

#4/8 - 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck - 120. In a completely opposite strategy, the 843 relied on their rotating cast of high-floor, low-ceiling players for solid consistency. Yeah, QB Cam Newton was a dud this week, but despite not having any other big scores to light up the charts, when the Cowboys added their 34 to an already strong base it put the team in a strong position moving in to next week.

#3/8 - Knute Rockme - 132. A victim of tough math, the Rockme boys were a victim of ball-hawking DB’s this week. With the two starting WR’s just adding up to 14 points, it was up to the checkdown playmaker TE Dalton Shultz to put up 22 points. The Dolphins added 32 more, and even consensus MVP QB Aaron Rodgers got in on the fun with 19. All in all, a very solid performance thanks in no small part to the bottom end of the roster (another 12-point kicker too in Dustin Hopkins).

#2/8 - Destroyers - 145. Here’s a hypothetical for the armchair GM’s out there - what do you do when your running backs combine for 15 points? Easy, just start whatever three WR’s you have lying around, and hope they’re as good as Devonta Smith (19), Jamarr Chase (19), and Davante Adams (33), then hope for one more miracle player to produce big, like QB Josh Allen (30). Guaranteed formula for scoring success. I don’t know why everyone just doesn’t do that.

#1/8 - Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad - 156. This week was pretty much over from the start. WR Tee Higgins had a career day and posted 43 points in the early going meaning everything else was a cherry on top. RB Nick Chubb’s 26 meant that everyone else on the team had a little more breathing room, and BSPS was able to cruise to the top of the scoring charts for Week 1 of the Dash For Cash. After missing the playoffs with yet another monumental implosion, maybe this franchise can finally show that they have some level of competence and remain in this position next week.

Now, we move on to the meat and potatoes of this week. Starting things off, we had NoKe (brought to you by Draft Kings), looking to defend the crown and hopefully become the first ever back-to-back NHL champ. Their opponent, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child, came from a totally different position - finishing the prior year in stone dead last, this team was looking to completely flip the script in 2021 and take it from worst to first, with NoKe one of just two more obstacles standing in the way. First off, I have to say, this one was very, very close, coming down to the wire on Monday night, and a ton of fun to keep track of. MRLC took some gambles in this one, and while some, like RB Ronald Jones, didn’t exactly pay high dividends, others did, like TE Mark Andrews, who delivered 26 points on Christmas morning. Stalwart QB Dak Prescott added 28 of his own, and the Rams’ 21 points was a better present than socks. NoKe didn’t lack for scoring gifts either, as RB David Montgomery (23) and WR Cooper Kupp (20) delivered just as they had all season. The neighbors across the street, the Chiefs D, also brought a nice surprise gift of 20 more points. Going into Monday night, it was MRLC that was nursing a slight lead and hoping to hang on. RB Alvin Kamara, however, brought a stocking stuffer of 7 points, just giving NoKe the edge and sending them to a berth in The Big Game At The End Of The Year. 

In the Keenan divisional, we had a somehow similar but also different story unfolding. On one side, the #1 seed and easy favorite LLL - a founding member of the league dating back many years, even before the great Fleaflicker migration of 2018, who had cruised through the season while only tasting defeat once. On the other side, Hair43HOF, an upstart expansion franchise in their first year, helmed by a rookie GM who snuck his scrappy squad into the postseason, hungry for glory and eager to make a name for themselves. A true David and Goliath matchup (see what I did there?). The Hair knew they had to put it all on the line, and came out with an opening salvo that struck fear into the hearts of the enemy. WR Jaylen Waddle and his 25 points, coupled with 20 from WR Antonio Brown, were a powerful 1-2 combo that left LLL reeling. Not content yet, the Jets’ 37 was a punch straight in the mouth that broke more teeth than Auntie Maud’s Christmas fruitcake. LLL was scrambling like a forgetful boyfriend in a CVS at 10:45 at night on Christmas Eve, but even a hastily-wrapped 21 from WR Stefon Diggs and 19 from QB Patrick Mahomes weren’t enough to stem the tide. Hair43HOF pulls off the shocking upset and secures their place in The Big Game At The End Of The Year.

So, there you have it. The plot line is set. NoKe vs. Hair43HOF. Established dominance and Holley family glory versus new blood and an expansion team Cinderella story. Nothing like it, and nothing more I can really say. Next week can’t come soon enough.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With the cold winds blowing across the whole of the nation (and America as well), we enter the final week of NHL competition. The stakes are a little different, depending on who you are - some teams fighting for a trophy, some for cash, and some just for glory. It’s a noble endeavor no matter which way you slice it, although this week, I was slicing up an elk that got a little too close for comfort to my trailer. Who knew that my power meter looks just like a salt lick to a wild animal? Anyways, he got zapped, and I got enough meat for the next few months. Hopefully the rest of the league wasn’t as totally snowed in as I was - that I-95 jam down near the league satellite offices looked nasty. 

Just like Week 16, we start out with the newly sponsored Scamazon Dash For Cash. Here’s how it shook out - 

#8 BlahBlahBlah - 172. What can you say other than at least this team is consistent? After their 87 last week, they add 85 this week, which just isn’t enough to get them up the ladder. 28 from RB Najee Harris and 23 from QB Kyler Murray are nice numbers, but it doesn’t do you a lot of good when you only start 6. Tough way to end the year for the B’s.

#7 - 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck - 206. Another team with some absences in the lineup, and to the tune of a similar 86-point result this week. WR Jakobi Myers may have been the only player to break the 20-point barrier for the squad, but the 843 can rest easy knowing that while they didn’t make the dance, they put on a great showing for a first-year team.

#6 - Kale Kings - 214. New week, same story for the Kale Kings. 8 starters seems to be a lot for this squad this season, but it didn’t help the Bengals D got blanked. 25 from QB Russell Wilson and 21 from TE Noah Fant are the final high notes for the ghost team this year, who somehow remained competitive for most of the season. 

#5 - Council of Steel - 232. Another week of strong contention for the Council, led by 35 from WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (also a candidate for the All-Names Team in 2021/22). Something about the Stehle-owned teams breeds consistency, and with a prior title coming into the household in 2019, we will continue to look for success coming from what can only be a budding fantasy family dynasty. 

#4 - God’s Country - 241. After last week’s stinker, God’s Country rebounded in a big way for the final week of the season in what is starting to become trademark fashion. RB Rashaad Penny had 32, WR DK Metcalf had 30, and Touchdown Tommy, the ageless wonder, added 27 more. A great week to finish things off for the Todd Squad - now just do it in the regular season next year, and this team will be fighting for a title.

#3 - Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad - 257. Last week, they were the top dog, but this week, it all came crashing down once again in another meltdown scenario for this franchise that can’t seem to escape them. Scoring just 101, only the Bears D with 28 could provide any meaningful points as the gambles taken just weren’t enough to get it done. This is another season this team will want to forget, especially the second half.

#2 - Knute Rockme - 263. A strong showing last week meant that this week’s performance had a strong base to build on. 24 from RB Darrel Williams, 23 from RB Devin Singletary and 20 from QB Aaron Rodgers meant that this team took the hunt for dollarydoos down to the wire. After being victimized by math during the last week of the regular season, relegating the Rockme boys to the consolation ladder, another day-late-dollar-short result leaving them in second place here is surely frustrating, but this team was dangerous all season down to the final week. This is another squad we’ll be keeping a close eye on next year as they could definitely be in the running.

#1 - Destroyers - 337. What can I say other than wow? After keeping themselves close in the first week of the Dash For Cash, the Destroyers showed why they deserve that moniker. 30 from WR Davante Adams and 21 from QB Josh Allen was a great outcome, but how about that 55-point career day from WR Jamarr Chase? The Destroyers put up 192, the best total for any team this year, solidifying their position on top of the consolation bracket and taking home a cash prize for their efforts.

We move on to the battle for glory, known as the third-place game. The heavily favored LLL hosted Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child in a contest to see who could still get to salvage their pride and stand on a step of the podium. LLL used the same formula that brought them success all year - start key players like QB Patrick Mahomes (20) and WR Darnell Moody (19), and then gamble on waiver finds like TE Cole Kmet and WR Byron Pringle. This didn’t quite work as anticipated, however, and the 105-point total left the door open for MRLC. They capitalized, and even though WR Hunter Renfrow’s 26 was the only score above the 20 mark, the Love Children were able to squeeze just enough out of guys like QB Dak Prescott and TE Mark Andrews to eke out a victory. Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child takes this one, 112-105, and secures the bronze, while LLL suffers a disappointing end to an otherwise outstanding season. 

Finally, the big cheese. The Big Kahuna. All the marbles. The Big Game At The End Of The Year. The battle for the Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year. A duel for pride and glory between two squads freshly renamed just in time for the title fight. A game that I kind of screwed up the backstory for in my last article, because I wrote it (like so many others) while under the influence of bathtub gin, so let me try this again. The visitors, the team previously known as Hair43HOF, newly christened to MagicMikeIII. The second-year team, after taking home a Duke of Sealand Cup last year, was looking to add to the trophy cabinet and upgrade their hardware. The hosts, the newly sponsored NoKe (brought to you by Braxton Berrios), were looking to defend their crown and become the first ever back-to-back NHL champs in league history. It was certainly a battle of the new hotness vs. the old guard, of evolution and change versus familial preeminence and thinly veiled nepotism. Things started off slow for the Magic Hair, but they soon came roaring back, with a 32-point push from the Chargers, accompanied by 19 from RB Austin Ekeler and an impressive 11 from K Robbie Gould. They had a lot to keep up with, however, as it wasn’t just financial backing that WR Braxton Berrios brought to the NoKe squad. He added 30 points to the total, to complement 26 from the Saints, 21 from WR Cooper Kupp, and 20 from RB Alvin Kamara. NoKe had opened up strong and never let their foot off the gas, leading them to a 163-117 win and their second consecutive league title. My condolences to Magic Mike/Hair43, and my congratulations to NoKe for their historical achievement.

Well, we come to the end of another excellent year of NHL fantasy football. It’s been a long, difficult fight to get here, but among all the injuries, infections, and immunizations with horse dewormer, all of our teams have crossed the finish line. This was a groundbreaking year for the league, the first year that saw league expansion teams, and the scrabble for players in a thinner market really had an impact across the league as our GMs had to work that much harder for killer lineups and impact players. Despite that, I dug out my moldy files from last year and can’t help but notice that scoring was up this season - without any major scoring changes from the league office this season, that points toward the drive and determination our GMs showed as they competed for the Commissioner's Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year. My congratulations to all the teams, but of course especially the winners. I hope that this time next year the border will be back open so I’m not forced to freeze another winter here in Saskatchewan - snowbirding has two major perks for me, the fact that it’s warm, and the fact that I can hit on all the single grandmas that also winter down in Arizona with me (in case you were wondering how I financially support myself in the offseason). I hope the league has me back next year, as I get great joy from covering this league and all it’s characters. Until then, I hope to remain mostly thawed out, and I wish you all the best. I’ll be having an Alberta Premium on the rocks in your honor tonight.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider