2017

Week 1 is in the books! Congratulations to all 10 teams, who put forward their best effort, and made four out of our five games very close contests including two games decided by one point! There were a few notable pieces of Week 1 NFL news that affected the NHL, so without further ado let’s look at what happened.

In the Bald Headed-Battle, Al Davis Genius faced down with Team T. Holden. Zach Ertz and Ty Montgomery both turned in solid performances for their respective teams, but the aging Oakland owner failed to sign a quarterback capable of feeding his hungry receiver group, as Dak Prescott left the door open for what amounted to most of the roster of the Green Bay Packers to take the win.  Watching the prime time game on Sunday , this writer is sure that Packer-leaning Team Holden fully enjoyed the repeated Pete Carroll meltdowns on the sidelines, that undoubtedly inspired that half of his fantasy team.

In the College Kid Showdown, Foot Jive Monster Mash hosted It Ertz Wentz Eifert. FJMM took out an early, 60+ point lead, before the walking fart joke came storming back Monday night, bolstered by a surprising 14-point performance from FART’s midweek kicker acquisition Will Lutz. In the end, it proved to be too little too late, as FJMM would prevail.

In the first of our two close battles, Team Stehle visited Team R. Holden in the “I Forgot to Change My Team Name Still” Bowl. Despite Stehle’s tight end Hunter Henry failing to even arrive at the game, the other Team Holden came up just short while playing the entire game with a man advantage.  Of course this happens all the time in unwatchable soccer matches, and even this year when Louisiana Tech nearly won it’s college basketball game finishing with 4 on the floor, but it's not a good way to fill out a fantasy team. This also means that Team R. Holden now is in last place in the NHL in power-play efficiency. 

In the Wayne Division, the two K. Holleys faced off for the Twin Cup, the most prestigious award in the NHL for perennial 10-handicap golfers. While team NoKe NoKe’s game was marred by a poor run game (with the RB corps only providing a measly combined 8 points), by contrast You Betcha’s victory was spearheaded by an astonishing 44-point, 3 total TD effort from Kareem Hunt, who played against some thin air while the Patriots offense watched from the sideline. While NoKe had a strong defensive performance, the double-generation Holley team would come up just one point shy in Week One, when You Betcha’s flex RB A.J. Anderson would run 3 yards on his final attempt at the end of the last Monday night game to put him over 80 yards, giving YouBetcha the 1-point win. After all, who needs Adrian Peterson or David Johnson when you have a proven, fully developed, top tier running back in Carom Karen Kareem Hunt? (Who is this dude, anyway?)

On the complete other hand, The Full Monty would visit Team Rockme in the only interleague matchup of the week. Much like the misbalance in the NBA, the WarriorsRockme would strike the first blow in the battle for divisional supremacy, giving the Western ConferenceWayne Division the early edge. TFM’s effort was the weakest in the league thus far, with poor running back performance and injuries at the TE and WR positions. On the contrary, Team Rockme turned in the best overall performance of the week, led by Stephon “Sticky Hands” Diggs and the owner of the worst possible throwing face, Sam Bradford. (Seriously, go Google “Sam Bradford throwing face” and then look at the images page. Do it. I’ll wait.) Team Rockme was assigned the Troy State award for high points for the season, as well as the Bellicheck/Carrol (Merrill?) Memorial award for biggest margin of victory. TFM’s strategy of hoping for a court injunction at half-time to uphold the Ezekiel Elliot suspension did not pan out.  Unsurprisingly, TFM would take home both the Soda Can Award (for getting crushed, get it?) and the Wimpy Award for worst overall score. 

Good luck next week to all the teams!

(You googled the Sam Bradford thing…that’s pretty funny, right?) 

lost to the sands of time...

lost to the sands of time...

lost to the sands of time...

The NHL was recently shocked with news of some aging offensive talents emerging from obscurity. After a long, illustrious career, a great name is poised to make a comeback. Is it Jagr, and the Flames? Is it Moss and T.O. to fill in the ranks at the barren wasteland of the WR position on the Giants? No, I’m actually asking. I don’t know what’s been in the news recently or which NHL we’re even talking about, because I’ve been on a six day cocaine-fueled, public-uriniation-on-a-plane binge with former NHL star Jiri Hudler (no, seriously, look it up). Thankfully, I scribbled some notes on an American Airlines napkin, so I’ll decipher them and then I’ll put the translation below.

Ok, here we go. The NHL’s only interleague matchup of the week had You Betcha facing Foot Jive Monster Mash. Despite FJMM’s late pickup of the amazingly named Ka'imi Fairbairn, You Betcha would surge past. Led by a surprise offensive outburst from oft-forgotten Patriots receiver Chris Hogan and backed up by strong performances from A-A-Ron God-gers and the Kansas City defense, You Betcha turned in a strong 133 point performance. Unfortunately for Foot Jive, his team had five players turn in single digit scores, and his team would fall just one point short of the 100 mark. Notably overvalued receiver Golden Tate was one of the offending players, in case you were wondering.

Moving on to the NL Central – oh! Wait! No! It’s the Wayne division! I was just confused because everyone is on half-games out of the lead, and I’m drunk at lunch on a Thursday. In our first Wayne matchup, Team Rockme and Team R. Holden faced off in the week’s closest game. Both teams turned in strong matchups and were only separated by 7 points, but R. Holden came out the victor, led by an impressive showing from rookie back Leonard Fournette. In fact, Fournette’s total was only eclipsed by two players, one of whom was Rockme’s surprise QB Deshaun Watson. Watson’s strong performance wasn’t enough to carry Rockme, however, and that squad will look to improve next week.

On the other hand, there was the game between NoKe NoKe and Team Stehle. NoKe continues his best Pete Carrol impression, demonstrating why he deserves the so-named “Run Up The Score” Award. After leaving R. Holden weak-kneed and crying in week three, NoKe once again torched a divisional rival in Stehle. While his 80-point gap wasn’t enough to re-earn him the awards he already had, it was once again a margin of victory larger than the number of points scored by his opponent. Despite Stehle getting a strong performance from Melvin Gordon, he was hamstrung by Big Ben’s 5-interception day, and by starting a receiver on bye week in Terrelle Pryor. This means that Stehle would take home the “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for his astoundingly flaccid 77 points. On the other side of the ball, don’t let NoKe’s 3-2 record fool you – this may actually be the strongest team in the NHL, meaning that NoKe is clearly being run in secret by the Spanos/Dan Snyder mismanagement duo.

In the Keenan division, our first matchup was between The Full Monty and Team T. Holden. T. Holden carried the joint Keenan lead into this matchup and successfully defended against Monty. T. Holden was helped to victory by strong performances from Dak Prescott, Davante Adams, and surprise standout Green Bay RB Aaron Jones. The Full Monty had another injury-marred campaign, with Charles Clay and Tyrod Taylor (filling in for injured TFM starter Marcus Mariota) both leaving early. This meant that once again, TFM did his best impression of a long, wet, noodling fart. Rumor has it that TFM’s potential new ownership is planning on moving the team to Los Angeles.

Finally, It Ertz Wentz Eifert would travel to Al Davis Genius. The leathery, pockmarked, undead Davis was also looking to defend his share of first place against upstart FART. FART had an otherwise strong performance, but also faced injury woes with Andy Dalton and Sterling Shepard going down to injuries. FART just about started the optimal lineup, but made a major miscalculation in starting aging Doug Baldwin over aging Mike Wallace. Davis, on the other hand, did start the optimal lineup, and it carried him to the second-highest point total of the week. Every player but two totaled double digits, leading to Davis’ win, and his maintenance in the Keenan lead. This also means that FART is tied for last place in the College Kid Cup. Ironic that It Ertz Wentz Eifert was defeated by his namesake. Maybe time to change the name?

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

After another astounding week of NHL play, I don’t have a nice witty intro to share with you. This is because I’m tired as all get out – I haven’t slept in days, because I’ve been watching the same 15 seconds of tape on a loop of Auston Matthews completely shredding 4 of the 5 Canadiens on the ice to score a FILTHY 1st period goal on Thursday night. Then someone reminded me that I had to write my article for the NHL, and that I was probably confused about which one it was since I was so sleep-deprived. Anyway, the football. (Fun fact: this is an Interleague Week! No divisional teams played each other this week.)

In our first game, early standout Al Davis Genius travelled to play two-owner NoKe NoKe. NoKe NoKe started what would be typically a stud lineup, but, somehow every single player except The Gronk and the kicker posted a single digit score. This led to a woeful 91 points, a total easily eclipsed by league leader Al Davis Genius. With Cam Newton leading the way under a banner bearing the leathered visage of Mr. Burns, ADG put up a respectable score and walked to a 20-point victory.

In a generational matchup, Foot Jive Monster Mash took on Team R. Holden in a battle of Anti-Communism versus Anti-Virus software. R. Holden put in a strong performance, but was hamstrung by duds from Jordan Reed and recently usurped #2 Arizona RB Andre Ellington. FJM2 also turned in a few wet ones, but was buoyed by 41 from a shocking Rams defense. More on high-scoring defenses later. Nothing more to make fun of here, so let’s move on.

In our closest game, Team T. Holden and Team Stehle were paired up. Both teams fielded five players with single digit scores. Both teams fielded a single high-scoring player with 35 points, saving their scores. Both teams started quarterbacks that realistically, in a 10-team league, had no business starting for their teams. In the end, the difference came down to THLD’s TE Marcedes Lewis, who posted another zero as a member of the NFL’s worst passing offense. Weak!

Next up, League execs The Full Monty and You Betcha faced off. You Betcha had several stinkers, including single digits from 4 healthy players. Most damning, however, was the loss of QB Aaron Rodgers, the victim of a “freak accident clean hit”. The goose egg sunk any hope of You Betcha’s victory, much like the Packers’ season. On the other hand, TFM dropped the People’s Elbow on Betcha, much like Golden Tater Tot’s TD celebration that somehow didn’t earn him a fine. TFM has clawed his way back to .500, while Betcha faces the first of what are likely many losses to come. And speaking of The Rock…

Finally, It Ertz Wentz Eifert took on Team Rockme. Both teams are currently tanking for the draft next year and are squabbling for the bottom spot in the division. Rockme’s roster of sexy 2017 names put up a nice performance, spearheaded by Deshaun Watson’s 21 points – it was let down, however, by a sloppy 9 from Keenan Allen and a sloppy day by the Washington defense. On the other hand, Eifert’s squad would have looked more at home in 2012, but his team of has-beens and overrated players was spurred to victory by an absolutely DOMINANT 69 points from the Baltimore D, a score that was so extraordinary that the computerized scoring failed and the score had to be manually adjusted. This outstanding performance was enough to spur Commissioner Rodger Stern-Bettman to create a new award – the “You Got Rocked” Award, for the highest single-score performance by an individual player. Funny that Eifert also possesses the award for worst single-game performance by in individual player…also the Baltimore D/ST. Go figure.

(Also, you like my Rock callback? I think it’s funny, but that’s because I’m a hack.)

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

lost to the sands of time...

lost to the sands of time...

In another week of play marred by suspension, players were sat down, players were suspended, and players were fined. SportsCenter and all the other requisite highlight shows were full of clips of players taking cheap shots at one another. Not content to remain silent, the NHL passed down fines to Tampa Bay’s notable instigator Alex Killorn, alongside teammate Steven Stamkos, a result of unsportsmanlike conduct stemming from a game against New York (additional fines resulting from the same game also affected the Rangers’ Kevin Hayes). Wait, no, the other NHL, shoot. Hang on, I have some notes…..somewhere……here we go.

In the week’s only interleague game, Team Rockme travelled to Foot Jive Monster Mash. Team Rockme had another forgettable road game, and despite fielding a starting lineup that was strong on paper, the output didn’t match the expectations. Rockme’s RB corps only put up a combined 2 points, with a 0 from the Muscle Hamster himself, Doug Martin. On the other hand, FJM2 fielded a much more volatile lineup, with great success (159). FJM2 had a chance to obtain the highest score of the season, had he been more savvy and started the often overlooked and underrated T.Y. Hilton in the place of household name, fantasy stud Cooper Kupp. Whoops.

Our next game featuring a Holden was R. Holden vs. Team Stehle. R. Holden made some critical personnel errors, such as starting the inactive Leonard Fournette. On the other side of the ball, Team Stehle faced what is possibly the gnarliest bye week of the year, with SIX (!) out of seven bench players on bye. Despite this, R. Holden failed to overcome the severely hamstrung Stehle, who eked out a win by a narrow margin.

Our other Wayne Divisional matchup featured the two best records in the NHL. NoKe NoKe faced You Betcha as the cousins Holley did battle. You Betcha strung together a respectable and stable total, but was let down by consistent contributors Kareem Hunt and Chris Thompson. On other hand, NoKe NoKe put together a lineup that was every bit as volatile as Betcha’s was balanced. With 27 from the Jacksonville D/ST and 23 from Russel Wilson, the team also had a contender for the Hail Satan Award, as Jonathon Stewart turned in an astounding -2. Despite this, NoKe took the victory, and closes the gap in the Wayne to just half a game.

In the Keenan Division, The Full Monty hosted Team T. Holden. Another game full of personnel mismanagement, this was an ugly one to watch all the way around. T. Holden fielded 5 players that all had single-digit scores, including a combined 4 from the RB corps. Monty got confused about which NHL he was playing in and thought he was on the short end of a power play, and played the entire game shorthanded with only 8 starters instead of 9. Monty won, but this was really a battle of who could mismanage their team worse. Yuck.

Finally, It Ertz Wentz Eifert took on Keenan leader Al Davis Genius. It Ertz Wentz Eifert abandoned his original strategy of starting the ultimate 2011 fantasy team, and slammed the needle to the other end of the dial. Starting future 2019 fantasy stars such as Orleans Darkwa and Ka’imi Fairbairn, FART came close to eclipsing Davis. Davis, on the other hand, had some weak spots, but was bailed out by the week’s standout Alvin Kamara (30 points). This ended up being the difference in the week’s closest game.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

lost to the sands of time...

In case you didn’t notice, the nominees are in and voting has started.  No I’m not talking about the best all time toys for the Toy Hall of Fame (yes there is one and the this year’s nominees include Nerf Ball and Battleship) nor am I talking about the oldest skating legend in the NHL not named Hull (that would be the ageless Jagamir Jagr).  No in fact I am talking about this year’s nominees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Who can’t get excited about that???!!!.  Are the Cars going to make it this year? Can the cult fans of Judas Priest push him up the ladder to challenge the Moody Blues?  Will Slow Hand (Eric Clapton) get recognized with yet another band?  Will Tom Petty be memorialized as the captain of the 80-lb bench press club.  These are the questions that rock our news (pun intended) – do we really care if half of our fantasy draft choices are on IR?  Hell no.  So I interviewed the Hall curator, Thunder Road, (who is actually related to Knute Rockme) to get his take on the action this week in the NHL.  By the way Mr. Road readily acknowledges that, like BSPN, the R&R Hall does only mainstream stuff and is totally political and bullshit in no way represents what is best in rock music. Just saying….

Speaking of Clapton there’s a new sheriff in town.  NoKe NoKe is being recognized by the R&R Hall for not only taking over first place in the NHL but for having the name most likely to be used by Paul Simon on his upcoming Botswana reunion album.  The Hall noted that T Holden preferred something more Bobby Darin-ish/Mack the Knife-style but he couldn’t stick it to NoKe who ran away with the score like a boy band being chased by Hell’s Angels.  Hall really liked the way NoKe played the lesser known sibling of Heart, Russel Wilson; who was the inspiration for the Ann and Nancy inspired album “Alive in Seattle” (yes – look it up).  The sisters send their love and congrats to their little brother on his fantasy performance.

Like another bad Steve Miller song that steals the character and lyrics of other songwriters, Team T. Holden did the Monster Mash on Grant the Younger and stole away his fleeting moments of joy and hope in this humbling football season.  For Monster Mash, fittingly sung by Bobby “Boris” Pickett, the Hall noted that RB Alfred “Morris” Pickett foot jived just enough for an overwhelmed Dallas team to help T. beat Mash by a mere 2 points.  (somehow I have diverted to Civil War references)  Even though T’s QB Colonel Prescott scored only ZERO points in the QB position, Mash’s team could not muster the guns or the music to get to a three digit total. Nelson Nocolor and not-so-Golden Tate combined for 6 points.  Had Mash subbed off the bench with the Coop for either player that would have done the deed for bragging rights around the Holden turkey on Thursday.  But alas instead of flying like an eagle Mash played the joker role and took the jet airliner out of town just the way all the Saints fans left the stadium when the Redskins went up by 15 in the 4th quarter…

Speaking of Eagles, Al Davis Genius hit the no fly zone this week.  We suspect that the Full Monty was broadcasting his subliminally subversive electronic music via subsonic waves to the Genius players.  Or maybe he did that to his own – I mean you can’t account for 159 points on THAT team.  And it’s no mystery to me that the Hall HATES electronic music.  No Depeche Mode (although up for nomination), no Kraftwerk, no New Order, Tangerine Dream, Daft Punk, not even any pie-a-la-mode in the café.  As much as the Hall wants the Euro influence for their world sounds, like the NFL or the NBA (wait – not a NBA reference – Uhhgg) they just can’t get their corporate heads around acknowledging where some of the influences come from. But congrats to Monty on his successful ‘Europe’ Détente’ and moving to within ½ game of 2nd in the league for the final countdown.

Ah how the mighty have fallen.  If only You Betcha has played the Baltimore DST (on the bench) against his beloved Packers.  But he didn’t. He left his team in dire straits hoping that the zombie Julio Jones could rage against the Matty Ice machine to get the ball a little more.   No way out.  He spent too much time trying to figure out if Link Wray and the J. Geils Band should even be on the same nominee stage as Radiohead while Team Rockme was waiver-wiring kicker Will ‘Klutz’ into the lineup for 17.  If they had just ended the game when all the Saints fans left the field we wouldn’t have this issue as Klutz got 6 points in 6 minutes after that.  Somewhere Garo Yepremian is smiling.  So Rockme asks “Who’s Next?” in his quest to fight into playoff contention. 

Well you can tell, I’ve been drinking too much in Cleveland and I need to ramble on like a rambling man.

Atom Shuffler (or an imposter)

Playoffs. Yes, playoffs. NoKe and You Betcha are in. Four remaining teams are fighting for the two remaining slots. The magic number for the 8-4 teams is 1. Either (or both) will clinch in the next two weeks - if either or both win, or if either or both of the two 6-6 chasing teams loses. Final seeding is based on head-to-head and, if needed, total points scored. Remember, too, that there is a prize available to all league owners during the playoffs based on who scores the most over the 2 week period.

Back to the reporting –

Speaking of playoffs, my Mora conceit meter alarm went off early last week, as there was a deft waiver wire move by a supposed ‘rookie’ who has looked every bit the veteran this year. Let me ask you – why would you pick up a suspended player this late in the season? Oh, you mean that uber-talented drinking fiend who plays for Cleveland, Josh Gordon? Well no – I’m talking about Ezekiel Elliot. And why would you pick him up at this late date? Because he will probably be running like a wild man for the Cowgirls during the NHL playoffs. NoKe was ASSUMING that he was in the playoffs and made the bold move, so congrats to NoKe for thinking ahead - and beware all the Jim Mora-led teams that are chasing you….

OMG – NoKe/RockMe. When you put up triple digits and you almost get doubled up, you have been thoroughly slammed.  NoKe ran away with this result and threw it on top of his dragon’s lair-esque pile of treasures, by scoring a sick 182 points for the high total this year. What else is there to say – that Mr. Irrelevant Ryan Succop only got 9 points? Oh, boo-hoo. Every other player got double digits. In further managerial brilliance, there was not a single bench substitution that would have bettered NoKe’s score.  NoKe is the well-deserved recipient of the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award, while Rockme will have to wait for revenge until next year.

Talk about your crazy scores, how about 50 points from a position player (not a QB or D/ST)? That’s what Julio Jones did on You Betcha to rescue an otherwise unimpressive campaign over the valiant playoff-seeking Team Stehle. Stele’s Steeler, Big Ben, put up nice numbers, almost single-handedly outscoring all the other position players combined, including a near season-low -2 points from Chris Ivory. Betcha will need more from his dynamic triple team from Kansas City (Smith, Hunt and Kelce) than the anemic 21 they totaled, if there is hope for Betcha to compete with the big boys.

The two 7-4 teams needed every point they could gather to beat two feisty opponents. First it was Al Davis Genius posting 145, to beat an excellent effort by R. Holden who just had the bad luck to be playing the Genius. Holden had competitive numbers across the board – almost all players in double digits – especially Marvin ‘Gaye’ Jones who MoTowned 28 points. But Genius’ pregame séances to conjure up the Madden-coached ‘76 Raiders (and the more recent ‘84 Super Bowl Raiders), led by the brilliant running of Marcus Allen, continues to inspire his players - especially the RBs with rookies Kamara and Perine combining for 52. Holden’s 126 would have beaten 4 other league teams this week, but was not enough for the wily ADG.

The other 7-4 team, The Full Monty, had his hands full, even looking for a while like he might lose his playoff grip to Foot Jive Monster Mash. TFM got a great number from Antonio Brown but looks a little weak at TE, getting only 1 from Cameron Brate. Foot Jive got a healthy jolt from Charger Phillip Rivers, and a resurgent contribution from clone Todd Gurley II (who must have kidnapped and hidden Todd Gurley I, who was never this productive). And like the game above, FJMM would have beaten 5 other teams this week but had the misfortune to take on TFM in full force. Keep Jiv’n, Mr. Monster.

In the final Holden show of the weekend, Team T. Holden clung to a playoff chance and returned to a respectable .500 with the thrashing of It Ertz Wentz Eifert. EWE (known around the VCU campus as the “ewe”) did not have the low score of the week, but unfortunately left 60 points on the bench and had two starters with no points. Note to Ewe – “SSPD” does not mean “super scoring player…duh” nor does it stand for “stud star – pay dirt”. Generally SSPD players do not score many points the week they are designated SSPD (see Elliot). Ewe actually outscored TH with all points added together, but that’s not how the NHL is played – maybe next year.  And kudos to TH – anyone with the balls to start Case Keenum and have that be the only QB on my team has my respect.

I’m still sleeping off my Tryptophan overdose from turkey at Aunt Mable’s. Till next week’s drinking binge….

lost to the sands of time...

It’s another crazy week.  6” of snow-covered surface. Doping charges. Arrests. Suspensions. Guys with funny names eliminated from participation.  Coaches screaming about unfair officiating.  Are we talking about Russians in the Winter Olympics or the NHL?  Or is it all the same?

So you ask what’s up with the scoring this week.  In a bizarre twist NoKe didn’t score this week. In fact they had no players on the field.  Must be a league office glitch – right?  Except your Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman just got a lifetime contract extension and 0ne hundred bizzillion dollars for outstanding work and was granted the title Omnipotent and All-Knowing so how could he be overseeing a system that could make any errors and certainly not one of this magnitude.  Deep investigation by yours truly, tapping into my Soviet contacts, revealed that NoKe was THROWING THE MATCH to INFLUENCE THE PLAYOFF SEEDING.  Where is the sportsmanship in THAT??????

So, in my conversation with the Commissioner, OAK Stern-Bettman came up with irrelevant and completely indefensible and unsupportable penalties for this etiquette breach.  First, for avoiding the spirit of a good fight, NoKe is awarded the new “Bitch-slap” Award recognizing that there is nothing so unproductive as two un-athletic girls slap fighting, scratching, pulling hair AND squealing. Second NoKe will now be known by their revised team name LoTe.  Finally, Third for sitting 16 players on the bench at once, OAK Stern-Bettman has determined that the NoKe ownership must present a silly selfie of themselves sitting on a park bench prior to the end of the season.  This image shall be posted in a prominent league site location. Jerry Jones and Bill Belichek confirmed the ownership votes on this penalty.

And now, as if I didn’t have something better to do, on to the league action.

The aforementioned LoTe was not on the field against an excellent team fielded by It Ertz Wentz Eifert.  EWE got contributions across the board including a great showing by L’Veon Bell as the Steelers eked out a win. With a little more personnel selection, EWE could have added another 30 pts off the bench making this team one to be reckoned with for the 2-week high point total award and prize. 

Speaking of bleating lambs, Al Davis Genius could be heard whimpering as star QB Carson ACL Wentz said it really does Ertz.  Nick “I-was-great-for-half-of the-2014-season” Foles is an admirable fill-in and Philly did win but Genius may have to fall back on Cam Newton to do his playoff damage.  The simpering Genius couldn’t’ believe his bad injury luck as rookie stud Alvin Kamara got the Ertz disease and went down early with a possible concussion. Backup running back Samaje Perrine wished he had a concussion as his Redskins forgot to play football.  Genius will need Clara Barton in the backfield to patch up his broken crew.  Remarkably this group won over Team Stehle who had 3 players between starters and bench who did not score at all. Stehle’s trusty Big Ben tolled the point and rang up the score but the other Stehle players just couldn’t keep time.

Foot Jive Monster Mash keeps on the retread train and puts up impressive scores with players who are on their 2nd,3rd and 4th teams (especially if you count Josh Gordons’ prison team QB’d by Bert Reynolds). Once again the second version of Todd Gurley is so much better than the first scoring 27 and wide receivers Gold Tate and Copper Cup put up a pair of 22’s which is bad in BlackJack but good in the NHL. FJM2 did great to leave nothing on the bench and needed it all beating YouBetcha who had enough but started the wrong guys.  Like EWE, FJM2 can post some tall numbers in the playoffs.

In a battle of Holden royalty, Team T. Holden took on Team R. Holden.  Team T was one of several teams that put up more than 140 this weekend and, like the others, screamed “Where the **&%##* has that been all year!”  On the other hand Team R just doesn’t have the big guns – when your kicker is your second-highest scoring position player your team needs all the high future draft choices it can acquire.  What is really irksome to these teams who essentially split the Green Bay Packers roster this year is that Team R got the only guy, Devante Adams, who has kept producing.  Once again it will be fodder for the family holiday table.

Finally in the late game, The Full Monte was hoping to move into the second seed playing Team Rockme playing for a respectable finish. But TFM got rocked. Recently acquired TE Austin Disappearing-Jenkins gave the team a brilliant 1-yd reception, his only one of the day. Tom Brady couldn’t see Brandin Cooks (like running backs - never start a Patriots WR) and Derek Carr was outscored by several kickers in the league although he did double up Greg the Leg’s 5 points for TFM.  Rockme warmed up for a playoff points run by posting a 144 with good showings from RB’s Jordan Howard and LeSean McCoy and a remarkable 29 from a Denver DST that pitched a shutout.   

So the bottom 5 teams pretty much stomped the top 5 teams showing that week to week who knows what goes. I’m reminded of my vodka-chugging Polish Grandma who would put me on my knee and sing this bedtime tune -

“You put a player in, you pull a player out, you do the hokey-poker that’s what the waiver wire’s about.”

Then she’d give me a shot of the juice and tuck me in.  Ahhh the good ‘ol days.

Remember – OAK Stern-Bettman’s words to us all “play hard and play fair and good luck next week and don’t forget my paycheck”

They say a tie is like kissing your sister.  Where I’m from, there are some kissing cousin stories, but my family won’t let me talk about that.  I just never thought it could get that way in the NHL. An epic back and forth playoff battle between two cousins ended in a – gasp – tie.  Unbelievable right?  I called my math buddy Chudak Algebrais, who told me the odds in our league of a tie match are 8,223,432 :1 which is the same as I don't know what. In fact, using all my deep-rooted contacts in the bowels of the Bellyash Sports Bureau, I discovered that the last Fantasy Football tie game was in 1903 – oops, no wait – was actually this year in our league, but before that was in 1903.  Of course the odds of TWO ties in the same year are the same as landing a man on the moon and everyone knows that can never happen except in fake news.  Its kind of like when my cousin Millie married cousin Bart and their kids looked like…….ah well Gramma said not to talk about that either…

LowT (the former NoKe) took on Al Davis Genius in the #1 vs. #4 playoff battle. It was epic, with LowT getting a stunning 24 pts from recent waiver wire pickup kicker Rob Me Cruel. The boy Genius made the right moves playing QB Cam over the not-ready-Rodgers and getting more than 20 from his top three players. LowT made the same good choices – hell, these teams are both so good that in addition to the 149, they nearly tied bench scores, both exceeding 70 points. This is where you just have #1 and #1A. But somebody has to be given the win, and the obscure NY league office rules says it goes to the top seed. We feel for ADG and wish him better luck and another point next time around.

In the other playoff match, the Cleveland Browns hijacked the plane full of The Full Monty and then took everyone to Tony Romo’s favorite south-of-the border training station before showing up to siesta at You Betcha. To call this match a smackdown would do the term a disservice, as You Betcha got a Belichek coaching and ran up a 99 point win. The Full Monty drank all 99 bottles of beer off the border wall and crawled home in shame. What do Jamaal Williams, Austin Disappearing-Jenkins and the Chargers DST (Disappearing Secondary Tackles) have in common? How about 3 points each. On the other hand, Betcha’s two top backs combined for 70, which was enough to beat the entire TFM aka Browns aka Little Sisters of the Blind team.  

So it will be Low T vs Betcha in the Championship Game, and Monty vs Genius in the other playoff matchup.

In the run for the two-week total score for the non-playoff prize slot, Foot Jive Monster Mash got a big jump on the field, putting up a top score of 157 while hammering down Team Stehle. The second coming of Todd Gurley continues to impress and the RB and the Rams DST fed off each other, giving FJM2 83 total points. Stehle never got it going with the legal receiving team of Cook, Green and Jones only catching 8 total points. The Jive left another 92 points on the pine and look to be the team to beat for the non-playoff cash prize.

The other close contest was It Ertz Wentz Eifert against Team R Holden. Somehow Fart slipped out and put up one more juicy point than TRH. Holden had worked the waiver wire during the week to bolster his chances, and it almost worked with a sharp pickup and play of the Redskins DST which turned in a solid 26.  But despite no points from Mercury Marquis Lee, Fart refused to stink up the place and had a sneaky win. Both of these team are almost 30 points behind FJM2 and will need good showings this weekend to have a shot at the make-up prize

The final match of the weekend pitched Team Rockme against Team T Holden. Rockme prevailed with solid performances across the board. Team T had inconsistent results with players like Austin Mini Hooper putting up only 3, Alfred Morris Minor getting 8 and Crankcase Keenum getting a respectable 19.  Altogether Team Model T could not get into the fast lane and drove to a pedestrian total of 109 which wasn’t enough to pass Rockme.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Hello readers! In an exciting piece of distribution news, I’m told that there is pending communication from The Office of Media Coordination. Unfortunately, this will make this week’s article too long to be posted to the league site. Owners will receive a communication with the league’s messages attached, as well as a copy of my article for this week! How cool is that!

The successful inaugural season of the NHL ended on Monday night. The NESBYS program has awarded all the trophies, and the owners will be collecting their concessions and TV rights revenue soon. In the meantime, I will be forced to retreat to my Canadian single-wide and stare out at the sky wondering if I’m seeing the Northern Lights, or I’m just hallucinating off of a bad batch of neighbor Dave’s bathtub firewater. I’ll be breaking up the recently inherited Aunt Mildred’s stick furniture for my front porch open pit fire and trying to fill that old oil drum with empty crushed Labatt’s cans for the recycler in the spring – in short, I can’t wait to get home. But first let me share with you my closing season thoughts.

First of all, my congratulations to League Champ You Betcha. In a match that came down to Monday night, NoKe NoKe (recently renamed) came extremely close to making up a 40-point deficit, and therefore justifying the team’s #1 playoff seeding…but it just wasn’t meant to be. After weeks of destroying the league with 150-point-plus performances, there was no little blue pill to save NoKe, despite WR Andre Hopkins’ ludicrous pinball catch in the end zone. You Betcha was the most consistent all year, and consistency ruled the day with 122 points being enough to bring home the Commissioner’s Championship Award For The Best Team This Year. You Betcha’s team members were observed trying to detach the football part of the trophy to have a catch in the locker room. As far as I know, they’re still there.

On the top rung of the consolation ladder, Al Davis Genius brought home 3rd place with the weekend’s high score, after a séance with the real Al Davis convinced the ADG owner that the Bear Spirit was strong in Chi-town. That defense, with nice help from Superman Cam and an un-hurt Ertz put Genius in firm control of his game with The Full Monty. TFM’s epic playoff run from week 8 into week 12 ended in an epic playoff meltdown that continued into this week. In the final game of the year, TFM just never got it going and had too many 4, 5 and 6s on the board when he needed double digit scores. Despite being in contention for a season podium, TFM tied for lowest score this week, after last week’s score, the second-lowest in league history (TFM’s Round 1 score of 66 was only eclipsed by NoKe’s week 14 zero, where he pulled his whole team off the field).

Before we go any further, congrats to fellow rookies NoKe NoKe and Al Davis Genius for very successful opening seasons, both teams taking home medals in the first year of their franchises. Well done for silver and bronze.

In the run for the “Damn, I at least want to get my league fee back” total points score award, Foot Jive Monster Mash sure didn’t leave the door open after an opening week 157. Although the Mash didn’t win his Round 2 match, it was a low scoring week and none of the other contenders could get the 30+ points needed to overcome FJM2’s solid 111 in Round 2. Funnily enough, his only contender for the cash was this week’s opponent, Team Rockme. Team Rockme was better in the game with good double-digit numbers from his top 5 starters but the Mash once again rode piggy back on Todd Gurley II’s 48 points to take home his chunk of the cash. Outside of the championship game, this was easily the best game of the week, and productive for both teams. Rockme was able to salvage a winning record, and FJM2 was able to take home some bread.

In another consolation game, Team T. Holden tackled It Ertz Wentz Eifert. It seems that as the season wore on and the namesakes of FART got injured, it was as if the spirit was blown out of the team’s other players as they faded down the stretch. Dion Lewis, the most consistent Patriots RB in the second half of the 2017 season (which let’s be honest, isn’t saying much), gave his 31 points to Team T. Unfortunately, Kyle Rednose Rudolf was called away on Santa duty for FART and only delivered a single point and a lump of non-denominational holiday coal. Additionally, WR Michael Crabtree’s no-show zero again emphasized his lack of clutch, and the extremely slim margins that led to FART being a Keenan cellar-dweller (seriously, look at the points for and against in the Keenan. A few different plays and FART is a contender). In winning, the THLD squad finished a very respectable 3rd among the rookies.

The last battle in the Octogon this year was between the doggedly determined Team R. Holden and Team Stehle. Stehle had 5 players (count ‘em) on the roster who posted goose eggs, including 2 starters, and it looked like RHLD would get the late season victory and some minor vindication after working the waiver wire hard all season. A surprising Redskins D/ST looked like it would anchor the team and lead them to the promised land. However, Stehle’s Steeler D/ST came out on fire Monday night, welding Houston to the loser’s anvil and hammering Team R on his way to a win.

I’ll be around for a day or two, hitting on team manager’s sisters and owner’s ex-wives, trying to get some 2018 draft insights and invites to a warmer timeshare. The glaciers tend to creep in a little close to my winter propane tanks at home and the sheep look a little too inviting in February. But I hope BSPN doesn’t cut my gig while I’m away and tell me I need to work at that stupid Playland theme park in Vancouver in the offseason. I’d rather cover these 10 owners again next year. Until then, readers. See you in 2018.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider