Previously Known As:

• • (2021) - 80% Mental, 40% Physical, 30% Luck 

Truly the franchise with the biggest focus on analytics, team GM Bob founded a real-life football performance analytics business and has spent years in the business, travelling to countless pro days, NFL Combines, OTAs, and player showcases, compiling a truly impressive understanding of human performance, quarterback mental acuity, athletic ability, and the oh-so-important "intangibles." Bob will tell you that he sells the data and analysis on to potential NFL suitors as a business venture, but we know that's just a cover story for the truth - it was all just to give him an advantage in fantasy drafting.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it - that was the motto for this franchise at the start, retaining the now-iconic dancing team mascot and moniker. At first, Dan seemed dead-set on plastering Larry the Leaf all over the top of the standings and found some early success. However, the team quickly fell into neglect and eventually became the only team in league history to be outright abandoned, and Dan found himself as the first (and to this day only) owner to ever be ejected from the NHL as a result.

Previously Known As:

• • (2020) - Hair43 

  • (2021) - Hair43HOF

  • (2021) - MagicMikeIII 

While not the first NHL franchise to flaunt their Steelers loyalty, David is certainly the owner that's flown the flag the highest and shouted it the loudest. Prior to their long-standing invocation to the great Franco Harris, this squad had a distinct Troy Polamalu influence that was plain for all to see. To further fulfill the "Army" moniker, David carved out a section of the front office for nephews Braniff and Grant, who handle most or all of the team's waiver transactions and trades. This franchise is also the only one in NHL history to come home with some real-world victory hardware, having custom championship rings commissioned (at their own expense, mind you) to commemorate their inaugural triumph. 

This franchise showed us all both the upsides and the downsides of a married couple sharing a single team. With their two fearless frogs as a mascot and an excellent theme, the Double D's might have found themselves in double trouble as they netted nearly double the number of losses to their wins during their existence, but they brought an absolute joie de vivre to the league that is still sorely missed. Nothing quite like getting that end-of-season photo of the frogs on vacation, dressed up in matching tiny Tommy Bahama shirts.

Previously Known As:

• (2017) - Al Davis Genius

A founding member of the NHL as well as another illustrious member of the family fantasy football dynasty, Hoyt brought his years of number-crunching experience and a keen analytical eye to the league, but those skills were honed in a way that you might not expect. As someone who lives and breathes America's pastime, Hoyt was once quoted as saying "playing fantasy baseball is the only real fantasy sport, besides fantasy darts." After a few years on easy street, Hoyt graciously bowed out as he missed the 10+ hour/week fantasy commitment and returned to the diamond side of the fantasy game to chase the thrill of building the ultimate pitching rotation made only of players whose last names ended in an "S". 

Previously Known As:

• (2017) - Team Stehle

An original founding member of the league, Jon quickly decided to combine two defining personal characteristics to shape not only the team name, but truly the team culture. A diehard Steelers fan (something clearly reflected in early draft boards), Jon was at one point juggling his NHL GM duties with being a genuine elected official on a local City Council. Truly a master of maximizing any opportunity to complete multiple projects at once, Jon would sometimes make waiver claims while also actively voting on resolutions during Council meetings (something which has been claimed, by an anonymous source whose name rhymes with Shmirk, to have been captured at least once on the local government TV channel).

Previously Known As:  

• (2017-2019) - You Betcha 

• (2020) - One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night

• (2021) - Mr. Rodgers Love Child

• (2022) - All You Need Is Love

• (2023-2024) - Pack Rat Spider Banana 

You can read more about Kirk himself by clicking here, but as far as his franchise goes, it's usually a simple formula year in and year out. A Packer fan since the Bart Starr days, the sign above the doorway at this front office always includes a topical reference to the green and gold, and usually some other piece of VHS-era media as well. Kirk as a GM has been historically conservative, generally floating right around the .500 mark year on year while consistently facing some of the toughest schedules in NHL history.

Previously Known As: 

• (2017-2018) - Foot Jive Monster Mash

• (2019) - Watermelon In Easter Hay

• (2020) - National Holley League®

• (2021) - L L L

• (2022) - Family Federation for World Peace and Unification North American Representative

• (2023) - Ukulele Apology Video For Party Rocking

• (2024) - The Richmond Will Holleys

Even dating back to the pre-NHL days, Laine's personal motto as a GM seems to be directly drawn from Col. Goodhead in the 1943 classic The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp - "If we don't know what we're doing, the enemy certainly can't anticipate our future actions." Typically boasting the longest and/or most ridiculous franchise moniker and a truly bizarre draft strategy, Laine's teams often come good on the back of savvy personnel decisions, and effective comparisons to historical player data (collected from Laine's truly impressive amount of hours logged in-game in Madden 19).

Previously Known As:  

• (2017-2019) - Team Rockme

• (2020-2023) - Knute Rockme

As an unabashed lifelong fan of the Lions (and indeed all Detroit teams), Mark is possibly the best equipped of any NHL GM to deal with the all-too-common frustrations of long-term mediocrity punctuated by occasional abject failure that make up the typical fantasy football experience. In light of this, Mark still continues to forge ahead, holding out hope that next year will be the year, or next year, or next year...and eventually, that year WILL come - it just might take a while. In the meantime, Mark enjoys critiquing the league's rule changes and petitioning for league contraction instead of expansion. Fun fact: the good Doctor Mark is the only PhD holder in NHL history, as well as the only published author.

Perhaps sensing that the league was missing a franchise with a little edge and/or grit, Mike B entered the NHL as an upstart expansion group playing with an absolute chip on their shoulder and an old-school, hardnose mentality. In keeping with this philosophy, Mike B found that designating a mascot or logo was unimportant, as the "Destroyers" moniker, standing alone, struck plenty of fear into the hearts of the opposition and served as an additional level of psychological warfare, relying on the theater of the mind to cause consternation on the other sideline. After a few years of stewardship, Mike B actually decided to retire early from his day job to focus full-time on winning a fantasy championship.

Originally recruited by the NHL as an enforcer to prevent the Saudis from signing away the best coach and player talent, Mike G quickly found himself as a GM and wasted no time settling into a divisional rivalry with Will's teams (stemming from some real-life workplace dynamics). The front office of this franchise certainly leans in to the "rural" flavor that Mike G brings to the league, but don't be fooled - this was the first NHL franchise to regularly employ AI technology to assist with drafting and performance analysis, putting them well ahead in the long-term arms race of franchise-building. Mike G is also the only NHL GM with genuine combat experience, giving this franchise an additional edge in the intimidation department. 

Previously Known As:

• (2017-2018) - NoKe NoKe 

• (2019) - Bridesmaids No More! 

• (2019) - 2XRU 

• (2020) - NoKe brought to you by Draft Kings

• (2021) - NoKe brought to you by Braxton Berrios

The original two-headed monster of the NHL, GMs Keith and Nolan (collectively just referred to as NoKe) have always been the Smokey Yunick of the league, constantly pushing the envelope of the game and taking up permanent residence in the grey area of the rulebook. No matter what the current popular strategies of the day are, this franchise is not going to follow them, preferring chaos every time as they frantically burn up the waiver wire, shuffle personnel at breakneck pace, and wheel and deal more than the rest of the league combined (once attempting to trade their entire bench for Kirk's starting lineup). Clearly, it works, as they have been one of the most successful franchises in league history. 

Previously Known As:

• (2018) - Anybody's Guess Who? 

One of only two all-female-owned franchises in league history, the Kale Kings entered the NHL as a total dark horse, as GM Polly was effectively strongarmed into franchise ownership by her husband and son. The franchise decided to make light of the situation under the original "Anybody's Guess Who?" moniker, relying primarily on a combination of blind luck and the goodwill of other owners offering hopefully sound advice on running things. With some tweaks to team presentation, Larry the Leaf quickly became the most iconic team mascot in league history, his dance moves proving so popular that new ownership kept him on for multiple years even after Polly's departure.

In addition to being one of the original ten founding franchise owners of the NHL, Rich also has the elite distinction of being the patriarchal leader of the only tri-generational family dynasty in league history, as son Todd and grandchild Laine make up one of the largest familial enclaves within the league. While perhaps not finding success in the win column as often as he'd like, Rich can certainly take pleasure in being the genesis of a proud fantasy pedigree, a quality integral to the ethos of the league.

More or less conned into franchise ownership in the early days of the league, Spencer came in with a major focus on analytics and player management developed from an extensive fantasy hockey background, an inbuilt fierce rivalry with childhood friends Laine and Will, and effectively zero knowledge or interest in professional football. After combining those three characteristics, Spencer set a goal of beating one of his two rivals in the final standings, and having achieved that in Year 1 of play, immediately sold the team and exited the league on a personal high note.

Previously Known As:

• (2018) - Stehlar Stars

In addition to making up the league's only all-female front office, Steph and Zoe also hold the distinction of being one of only a handful of teams run simultaneously by a parent and child. Not wanting to miss out on the natural desires of both - to struggle against parental authority and the urge to be smarter and wiser than your progeny - this squad has been locked in a tight but friendly rivalry across the dinner table with Jon and Cooper from the very beginning. A franchise consistently featuring as many rostered Steelers as is feasible in any given year, and built around cornerstone players Josh Allen and Christian McCaffery, the girls have proven to be one of the more financially sound franchises in the NHL. The going rumor is that any money won in the household (typically from this franchise, instead of the boys) goes towards funding additional presents come Christmas morning.

Previously Known As:

• (2017-2018) - Team T. Holden 

Another storied franchise dating back to the very beginnings of the league, Todd's group (lovingly known as the Todd Squad by Atom Shuffler) typically starts the year with more draft day woes than most. Despite this, Todd's seasons usually self-correct, making this franchise a consistently dangerous contender in the back half of the year. Fitting, then, that this is a franchise helmed by another proud Packer Backer, emulating the Don Majkowski era like it's still 1990 every time. Todd is the kind of owner that you love to have in a fantasy league - never complains, plays hard all year, and has successfully recruited at least one additional owner (his dad) after being recruited himself by another member (his son). 

Previously Known As:

• (2017) - The Full Monty

• (2018) - Clinton-Dix Feet Under

• (2018) - Holley's Holdouts

• (2019) - XFL Hype Train

• (2020) - Don't Stand So Close To Me

• (2021) - Bishop Sycamore Practice Squad 

• (2022) - Koo Fighters 

• (2023) - Albany Empire Reborn 

• (2024) - Cream Of The Crop 

When NHL intern Will decided to strike out and buy in as a team owner, it was under the impression that despite his additional league VP duties, there would still be plenty of time left in the week to run an efficient, competitive franchise in a competent manner and that he would be able to continue making the trendy free agent moves that led them to early success. As the league administrative responsibilities grew, Will's franchise became progressively more neglected, meaning that much like the owner's beloved Maple Leafs and Red Sox, you can almost guarantee that this group will have a spectacular late-season implosion at least two out of every three years, while the only free agent moves made by this franchise typically involve frantically churning through every available kicker on the waiver wire.