2023

Well folks, it’s September, so you know what that means. Cyclone season, pumpkin spice is back, and my months-long thaw in Arizona is finally complete. Last Wednesday I returned back to my mobile abode in the Great White North with a pocket full of peyote, picked up my typical weekly case of Alberta Premium and 3 cartons of darts at the bottle shop, cracked my knuckles, and settled in for 17 more weeks of poutine-fueled top-level football analysis. It may be the hottest summer in Sasketchewan on record (probably because of those wildfires, not that global heat thing that Ralph Nader was always banging on about), but I trimmed the sleeves off a few flannel shirts and I’m ready to go. The NHL has once again contracted my services for the year, so between some elk meat and the CAD$226 check I get for each article, I’ll have enough to get me through the winter again. I have to earn that money somehow, though, so let’s not waste any more time and get after it.

Of course, with the season starting, a draft is in due order, which of course meant enlisting the assistance of my good friend L.L. Piper, what with his slightly above average knowledge of player acquisition strategy and Deceptively Large Display. After reading Mr. Piper’s somewhat indecipherable notes and looking at his poster board, a few interesting trends and strategies were exposed. The Destroyer’s 3rd round selection of QB Joe Burrow appeared to spark a panic amongst GM’s, as it started a run of 5 straight mobile quarterbacks taken. Two Duncan Donuts was the first franchise to take the plunge on a true rookie, with their first round selection of RB Bijan Robinson, and finally regarding this year’s drafting trends, it only took until round five for a player of every position to come off the board – more on that later. In terms of strategy, there was significant variation, and while I could praise front offices for their savvy selections, it’s much more cathartic to mock those I deem incorrect. Fresh off their annual rebrand, GM Laine and Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking employed an interesting technique by refusing to draft a kicker or defense, technically rostering an illegal team for a few short moments after the conclusion of the draft. GM Kirk and the also-tweaked All You Need Is Love, perhaps wanting an insurance policy against a penalty for such transgressions, went the other way, employing the rare 3-QB, 3-TE selection methods, both of which have questionable at best track records in the NHL. Not wanting to be outdone, GM Jon and Council of Steel settled on the never-before-seen 3-QB, 2 kicker option, confoundingly doubling down on this strategy by drafting both his kickers before any of his quarterbacks. In fact, making this look even worse on paper, this team’s 5th-10th picks read K1, K2, DST1, QB1, RB3, DST2. In any other year, this would have shot them into the lead for oddest draft decision, but they were just barely eclipsed by something even more puzzling on first, third and eighth glances. No, this year the top spot can only belong to GM Todd and God’s Country, who shocked the league with his first round selection of the Patriots D/ST unit. When asked about this choice, Todd confirmed that it was the front office’s intentions to do so, and was quoted during the draft stating “they got me a lot of points last year.” This writer immediately saw the pick, slapped the name on the trophy, and shipped off the Laine Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award for the most questionable draft day decision of 2023. (Editor’s Note: Upon further retrospection while proofreading the article for Atom, last year the NE D/ST scored 366 points, making them the 3rd highest scoring player, behind only Mahomes and Josh Allen. Time will tell if this is actually a god-tier decision…the league office may have to override Atom and rescind this at the end of the season.)

Speaking of hardware, it’s the first week of the season, which means I have plenty more awards to hand out, even if it’s only temporary. Opening up the action in the Wayne, Council of Steel got a chance to try out their interesting roster structure against the visiting Nerd Herd. Initial evaluations were disastrous, with CJS’ efforts netting them both the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for their 62-point effort, as well as the newly minted Travis Bickell Memorial “Taxi Squad” Award for the largest margin by which a bench outperforms that team’s starting lineup, a 28-point gap. With only two players in double digits and the complete absence of TE Travis Kelce, this squad would have been better off starting only their third-string QB, the backup defense, and the backup kicker, as the whole bench posted 90. The Nerd Herd waltzed through the barn-door-sized opening, although not without a few concerns of their own, as K Jake Eliott was top scorer overall in this game with 18. WR Devonta Smith (17) and QB Trevor Lawrence (16) had contributions, but with the special teamer leading the way and WR Drake London’s goose egg, this team may also have a few bugs to work out. Nerd Herd are victorious on the road, 97-62.

Next, BlahBlahBlah went on the road against Knute Rockme. The B’s are once again anchored by their stalwart RB Christian McCaffery, who netted another 150+ yard day on the way to 24 points, complemented by a nice 14 from K Jason Sanders. The rest of the group underperformed a bit, though, and this is another team that may just need a little more time to jell. Knute Rockme, on the other hand, picked right back up where they left off last season, with a 5-sack, 22-point outing from the 49er D and a 2-TD, 20-point effort in a blowout from RB Tony Pollard setting the tone for this squad, hungry for more success. With both Jameson Williams and Jonathan Taylor biding their time on the bench, this is a team that could prove to be exceptionally dangerous later on. Team Rockme starts things off with a win, 111-90.

Wrapping up the Wayne, the Sunday night game saw defending champs NoKe take on last year’s last-place group All You Need Is Love. Clearly not content with the size of their trophy cabinet, NoKe takes less than proud ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT on the back of K Graham Gano’s score of -2. This was the only fly in an otherwise pleasant ointment, however, as the Saints D (27) had 3 takeways and 3 sacks to lead the scoring, and WR Justin Jefferson (24) had 9 catches for 150 yards as a strong assist. The newly paired Lovers were still on their honeymoon, though, basking in the glow of 29 from the Packer D, 26 from RB Aaron Jones, and 19 from QB Deshaun Watson. This team does not want to linger in the league basement for a second year in a row, and they proved it in this great contest, winning 127-118.

Over in the Keenan, God’s Country was still on their quest for more ignominious hardware. They threw their name in the hat for the Taxi Squad prize with a 78-74 bench-starter margin, but barring that, the difference in final score meant that there were still prizes to be had. The priority-picked Patriots personnel party primarily peppered the pundits’ papers with 18 points, so at least the paramount picks may have justified their preferred position. Two Duncan Donuts may have posted two goose eggs, but that was immaterial, as WR Brandon Aiyuk had an outstanding 31-point outing, QB Justin Herbert brought 21 to the table, and rookie RB Bijan Robinson added 19 in his debut. 2DD takes this one 130-74, winning both the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for best score of the year, as well as taking over the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for a little while, for their 56-point margin of victory. The Todd Squad, of course, earns the corresponding “Soda Can” Award for their defeat. Phooey.

The aforementioned apologetic Party Rockers squared off against the other franchise that’s subject to annual repackaging, as GM Will entered into a naming rights deal with Antionio Brown’s folded NAL outfit to bring us the Albany Empire…Reborn. Unfortunately for them, it seems as though the level of arena league play may have come along with the name, as even though WR Chris Olave posted 19 points, the rest of the squad underperformed. Much like their party-rockin’ musical namesakes LMFAO, the Rockers missed with plenty, but the hits were big enough to keep them on top of the charts, starting off with 19 from QB Patrick Mahomes. RB Travis Etienne delivered a catchy followup with 20, before WR Tyreek Hill delivered the smash hit of the summer with 44 points. That’s good enough for this franchise to take ownership of the “You Got Rocked” Award, and to notch a convincing win, 118-96.

Finally, we had a down to the wire thriller between the Destroyers and Franco’s Italian Army. The Destroyers were in contention for top single player effort, offering 43 points from a dominant Cowboy D as their entry. 26 points from WR Stefon Diggs was an additional impressive effort, leaving Franco’s Italian Army with plenty of work to do. A 21-point effort from the Eagles D/ST, alongside 22 from WR Calvin Ridley, kept FIA in the fight, but it was 25 from RB Austin Ekeler that was the difference maker in this matchup. Franco’s Italian Army starts off in the win column in this hard-fought battle, prevailing by a score of 128-121.

I’m bubbling with excitement for what’s to come this year, or maybe that’s the expired can of beans I had for dinner. I forgot to go to the grocery store when I came back into town, and they were the only thing I had to eat left in the cupboard in the old trailer. Not to fear, I’ll make a stop into town later this week – I can’t be rolling in to Week 2 on no sleep and even less grub, I’m bringing at least my “B” game this season. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for this season, and I’m tickled to be back once again covering the best real fake sports league in the land. Three cheers and one burp for the NHL!

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

June ice. A piece of paper. The amount of votes Trudeau won by in 2021. All of these margins and measures are thin, but they’re all vast, yawning chasms when compared to the differences in final scores across the NHL this past weekend. In fact, the only thing thinner than the average margin of victory in Week 2 (9.5 points) is my patience when dealing with degens from upcountry. Snow season comes around and suddenly, a bunch of denim-wearing rejects come rolling into town on worn-out sleds, spewing two-stroke fumes and tobacco spit like it’s going out of style. There’s nothing I dread more come winter than degens coming to town, but there’s nothing I relish more than screaming profanities and throwing empty liquor bottles at them until they leave town. My cousin-in-law Tom is the town constable and he keeps telling me I have to stop, but the only thing that’s going to make me pause is another set of games so close that I can’t drag myself away from the TV except to turn the roof antenna back towards Ottawa.

Starting things off in the Keenan this week, Two Duncan Donuts played host to Franco’s Italian Army. 2DD’s RB Bijan Robinson (20) and QB Justin Herbert (22) got things going, and WR Tee Higgins and RB Brian Robinson had a pair of 28’s to really amp up the scoring. The Francophiles kept them honest, though, as 16 each from WR Garrett Wilson and RB James Connor, 18 from RB Kenneth Walker, and 25 from QB Jalen Hurts meant that the Army wasn’t going away without a fight. Two Duncan Donuts is victorious here, 128-116, but we’ll see how long they stay undefeated after the season-long loss of start RB Nick Chubb.

Next on the board, the Destroyers went on the road against the enigmatic, ukelele-strumming Party Rockers. The Destroyers jumped out to an early lead by playing small ball, led by QB Joe Burrow (15), but further efforts from WR Deebo Samuel (19) and the Cowboy D (20) really kicked the volume up a notch. While they were initially drowned out, the Ukes turned the amp up to eleven, with QB Patrick Mahomes’ 23 being the opening hit song of the summer, followed by 16 from WR Terry McLaurin, 15 each from WR Tyreek Hill and WR Rashid Shaheed, and the surprise single coming in the form of 14 from K Jake Moody. The Party Rockers have nothing to apologize for this week, as they win 113-102 and remain undefeated.

Wrapping up the division, God’s Country took the trip to face the Empire. Both squads left some points on the table, but still had some nice performances. The Todd Squad capitalized on 22 points from QB Josh Allen, 21 from WR Gabe Davis, and 17 from WR Marquise Brown, but they could have done without lackluster effort from guys like Jamaal Williams and Marquez Valdez-Scantling. The Empire also had some duds like Breece Hall and the Texans, but tried to muddle through on the backs of QB Lamar Jackson (22) and Chargers-edition WR Mike Williams (16). In the end, it turns out Albany is a part of God’s Country, as they were victorious 100-93, leaving the Empire still looking for that first W of the year.  

Over in the Wayne, All You Need Is Love played host to Knute Rockme in the barnburner of the week. The Lovers didn’t seem to be in the mood and instead came out swinging, led by 19 from RB Zack Moss, 23 from WR CeeDee Lamb, and a strong 25 from TE T.J. Hockenson. Not to be outdone, the Rockme boys answered with 19 apiece from the dynamic duo of QB Dak Prescott and RB Tony Pollard, 20 from WR Davante Adams, and an impressive 31 from WR Keenan Allen. Even kicker Brandon McManus got in on the fun, adding 10 more of his own. Team Rockme moves to 2-0 with their 137-127 win, and also takes home ownership of the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for the high score on the year.

In our first intra-household showdown of the year, Owners Stehle faced off as BlahBlahBlah got to claim home turf rights against Council of Steel. The B’s managed to eke out a slim early lead thanks to efforts from WR Mike Evans (29), WR Christian Kirk (22) and the Bills D (19). Additional help came in the form of franchise cornerstone RB Christian McCaffery, who added 21 more points to extend the gap. Building on what QB Kirk Cousins (28), WR DJ Moore (16) and K Younghoe Koo (13) had achieved, the Council needed some help late to catch back up. Unfortunately for them, Dalvin Cook netted -1 in one of his worst career performances, and even a strong 30 points from the Steeler D on Monday night wasn’t enough to get the Council back on top in this one. BlahBlahBlah takes the win 128-119, and as if being winless wasn’t bad enough, the honey-do list just got a little bit longer for GM Jon on Tuesday.

Finally, NoKe hosted the Nerd Herd in a matchup that started close and stayed that way. NoKe QB Jared Goff (23) and WR Justin Jefferson (24) led their side’s scoring efforts, to match up against the Herd’s WR Devonta Smith (23) and RB Derrick Henry (18). The Herd would add a late effort from RB Saquon Barkley (26) to stretch out the lead into Monday night, as the team collectively held their breath. They’d be sadly more deflated than a Foxborough football, though, as NoKe’s Saints D (18) came thundering back to lead their team to a 126-118 victory over the Nerd Herd, squeaking out an 8-point win.

Now then, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be taking advantage of the last few warm days we have left in the season to finish setting up in the woods just north of the trailer park. It looks like I’m taking a tree stand and some lumber out there to set up my skinning shack and hunting spot for deer season (at least that’s what I told the game warden), but I’m actually building a trap and observation post so that I can watch some knuckledragger from Spiritwood get thrown off his Yamaha at 65 km/h in a few months. The whole thing is rigged up with safety wire, but I think those crazy Québécois have a better word for it - fil de sécurité. This thing will be sécurité all right – secure from those dang degens.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, another week of NHL action is in the books. Before we go any further, I owe my loyal readers an apology – my column last week was severely delayed by a combination of factors outside of my control. First, that dang tropical earthquake came through and washed out the main road into town, so I couldn’t get down to the local Tim Horton’s to mooch off the free WiFi to get the article sent off for distribution. It ended up not really mattering, because even though they got it patched back up in a day and a half, I was still stranded. See, I took a gamble and invested in one of my fellow countryman’s ventures – the BellTech Moose, one of those all-Canadian startups with a new-fangled electrical car. I wasn’t convinced until I saw they had Aaron Rodgers as a spokesman, and then I was all in, giving them five thousand of my Canadian shekels in exchange for one of the pre-production models. Turns out, the return period was only three days, and wouldn’t you know it, day four and it’s all out of “battricity” and won’t turn back on. It’s those damn Mongolian LiPo-suction batteries, I’m sure of it - if they had just used nickel (out of a proper Canadian mine, I might add) I’m sure she’d work flawlessly all through the winter.

We had plenty of close games this week, but the early matchup was not one of them. The Nerd Herd came to town to face off against Knute Rockme in a contest that saw some serious scoring, albeit mostly by one squad. The Herd tried gamely, looking for production from QB Brock Purdy (20) and TE Pat Friermuth (13). This one was all about the Rockme boys, however - chiefly, pass-catchers Keenan Allen, who had 43 points, and Davante Adams, who added another 42 points, almost equaling the opposition by themselves. The Nerd Herd takes unfortunate ownership of the “Soda Can” Award, while Knute Rockme takes over the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 70-point win, 162-92. They also raise the bar on the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award, and they remain the lone unbeaten in the NHL this year at 3-0.

Sticking to the theme, God’s Country hosted the Destroyers in our first Keenan Division battle this week. God’s Country got out to an early lead thanks to the efforts of QB Josh Allen (21) and TE George Kittle (16), and more help came later from WR Marquise Brown (17) and RB Isiah Pacheco (15). Gauntlet thrown, it was up to the Destroyers to respond, as WR Deebo Samuel led the way with 24 points, WR Stefon Diggs posting 19 more, and embattled RB Alexander Mattison adding 17. Oh, but that’s right – how could I forget God’s Country RB Raheem Mostert and his 4-TD, 45-point outing? (Editor’s note: What’s even crazier is he didn’t even have the most touchdowns in that game, tying his backup with 4 TD’s each in the midst of Miami hanging 70 freaking points on Denver.) On the back of that effort, the Todd Squad take custody of the “You Got Rocked” Award, proving that Raheem Mostert is the most electrifying player in sports entertainment after leading his team to a 152-110 victory.

Not to spoil the ending with an earlier game recap, but previously unbeaten Two Duncan Donuts rolled into Albany to square off against the previously winless Empire. Double D set the pace early, with 29 points coming from QB Justin Herbert, 16 from a stout Ravens D, and a surprising 15 from K Tyler Bass. The Emperors responded in kind, with 18 from WR Chris Olave, 25 from WR Mike Williams (in what was his last game of the year), and 30 from a swift-footed QB in Lamar Jackson. Heading into Monday night, Albany held a slight lead, and it was up to the receivers - 2DD’s Tee Higgins vs. Albany’s A.J. Brown. The results? Higgins with 4, and Brown with 22, cementing the first win of the year for the Empire, 129-95.

Back to the Wayne, and NoKe hosted Council of Steel, also hungry for a first dub of the year. Preferring the slow but steady approach, the Council started out with 26 from QB Kirk Cousins, before adding 19 from TE Travis Kelce and 15 from the Steeler D, finishing with 17 more from WR Tutu Atwell. Conversely, NoKe went with a “lay it all on the table early” strategy, piling on points from WR Justin Jefferson with 27, alongside QB Jared Goff, WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, and the Chiefs D who all had 19 each. The bean counters totted up the scores, and after double checking, declared NoKe victorious, 123-118.

The Wayne wasn’t finished giving us close matchups, however, as BlahBlahBlah took the trip to face All You Need Is Love. The B’s franchise centerpiece Run CMC delivered another hit with 22 points, making a supergroup with WR’s Amari Cooper (24) and Mike Evans (17). Despite the classic theme of the team, it was the young guns making noise for the Love Children, with 19 from WR Courtland Sutton, 22 from RB Zack Moss, 26 from WR Jamarr Chase and 27 from QB Tua Tagovailoa (on the back of that wild Dolphins game). The surprise difference-maker here, though, was BBB’s defense in Buffalo, who posted a very impressive 39 from 4 picks, NINE sacks, a forced fumble and a TD. The B’s squeak out a win, 155-149. Big frustration for GM Kirk on the back of this matchup – one of only two teams to break 400 total points through Week 3, the second-best offense in the league, but also the only team to face 400+ total points so far, the hardest schedule through three weeks. The Lovers? 8th place in the standings. The other 400-point squad? Knute Rockme, 3-0 and comfortably in 1st. All too familiar of a situation for this front office…

Finally, Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking hosted Franco’s Italian Army in a battle for control of the Keenan Division. This one played out similarly to the Noke/CJS duel, with the FIA coming in with the points slow and steady (as opposed to their namesake counterparts speedily doling out penalties at last weekend’s Japanese Grand Prix). WR Marcus Pittman got things going early with 17, before K Jason Myers (18), RB James Connor (18) and RB Kenneth Walker (29) joined the party, with QB Jalen Hurts (20) and the Eagles D (29) arriving fashionably late. The Party Rockers started loud and shut down early, with WR Tyreek Hill (30), TE Sam LaPorta (22), RB Travis Etienne (17) and WR Rashid Shaheed (16) going all out, and QB Patrick Mahomes (24) testing the waters one more time before an early conclusion. With the late push from the friends of Mr. Franco, this one came absolutely down to the wire, and the guido garrison escape with a one-point win, 151-150.

It's back out to the driveway for me to see if I can get this household appliance on wheels back up and running. I called in help from Cousin Randy – besides ripping copper pipes out of abandoned buildings, his other big talent lies in the questionable acquisition and subsequent disposal of catalytic converters, so I figure he’s the person I know with the most automotive knowledge and/or mechanical inclination. If that doesn’t work, and we can’t get the BellTech Moose up and running, at least he probably knows how to strip the precious metals out of the battery without blowing us up too bad. Maybe I can recoup some of my investment money that way.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

You know, we used to live in a society. When you had a problem with someone, you’d go and look a man in the eye while you told him what you really thought of him, and if someone did that to you, you’d stand there and listen to what he had to say. You wouldn’t cut him off mid-sentence, punch him when he turned around to leave, or tell him to make an appointment with your assistant. Cancelling was something you did with the cable company when you changed addresses. You couldn’t get 15 of your friends together, have a conversation, and vote someone off the island (unless you were on Survivor). So when I heard there was a campaign to remove the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska, I was certainly upset. Yes, the mayor may be an entrenched bureaucrat, and he may have only gotten the job due to family connections and nepotism, but when your daddy was the mayor before you and your granddaddy was best buds with one of the most popular businessmen in town, sometimes you get different opportunities than most folks. No, a few spoilsports tried to have Denali the cat removed from the stewardship of the town, and that just rubbed me the wrong way. His father, a calico cat named Stubbs, served with distinction for more than 20 years, so it seemed only right that a young buck raised in office would be the best man for the job. The times, they are a-changing. Sorry, where was I? Who are you? I didn’t mean to hold up the drive-thru, I’m sorry.

Kicking this off with action this week in the Wayne Division, Council of Steel was looking for their first win of the year, one that would also mark the first loss of ’23 for Knute Rockme. Things did not get off to a good start for the Council, as injuries made an uphill climb even steeper, with guys like Kirk Cousins, Dalvin Cook and A.J. Dillon under-performing. WR DJ Moore had the lone bright spot with 27 points, helping the squad save face, but a recipe for success this was not. The Rockme boys could just coast with plenty of 11’s and 12’s, QB Dak Prescott’s 16-point game being the high water mark in a relaxed affair. Knute Rockme cruises to a 106-74 win to remain the lone unbeaten, while the Council languishes at 0-4.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, BlahBlahBlah hosted NoKe in the barnburner of the week that actually had the potential to be an even more high-octane affair. The visitors set the pace early with standout performances from RB Kyren Williams (25), TE Mark Andrews (25) and WR Justin Jefferson (26). Not to be outdone, the B’s matched the tempo, with 26 apiece from QB Justin Fields and the Jags D, and a further 17 from WR Christian Kirk. The wow factor, however, came from their favorite son, RB Christian McCaffery, who rode 106 rushing yards, 7 catches for 71 yards, and 4 total TDs to a 48 point total. This gives them ownership of the “You Got Rocked” Award, and solidifies their win over NoKe, 150-138. Bitter for NoKe – it’s rare you see a 138-point score lose, and made all the worse by the fact that they left 115 on the pine. Yowch.

Finishing up the division, the Nerd Herd hopped on the bus to face All You Need Is Love, who were hoping Tua Tagovailoa was the answer to their quarterback woes. With 15 points, he certainly was not, and unfortunately the rest of the team played down to his performance, with no other player exceeding that mark. The Herd was able to ride surprise 18’s from K Jake Elliott and the Bucs D, a pair of 23’s from QB Brock Purdy and RB Derrick Henry, and 32 from sensation WR Puka Nacua as the Nerds added their way up to an easy 148-91 victory.

Over in the Keenan, God’s Country took on Franco’s Italian Army in a close battle to see who would challenge for the division lead. QB Josh Allen led the way to the promised land with 35 points, and RB Isiah Pacheco was trotting close behind with another 24 of his own. The Army’s QB Jalen Hurts (24) was seen screaming at his teammates in the parking lot after the game, pointing at a nametag on his chest while shouting “It’s my name for a reason!” while the rest of the offense alternated between pushups and jogging in formation. Perhaps a little military discipline will whip this group into shape after their 106-87 defeat, as God’s Country moves up the table.

In another Keenan matchup that threatened to hand out some hardware, the Party Rockers faced off against the favored Two Duncan Donuts. Double D was making triple trouble, with three players over 20 – WR Brandon Aiyuk (20), QB Justin Herbert (23) and the Ravens defense (30). 18 from RB Bijan Robinson was the icing on top for this squad. The Party Rockers must have still been recovering from their previous long weekend, as 21 from the Titans D was just about the only effort to write home about. With their bench scoring 5 more than the starters and a 48-point gap between squad, there was plenty of Ukelele Apologizing in this clubhouse as this one was headed towards dual Bickell/Soda Can territory. 2DD cruises to an easy win, 130-82.

Finally, another close call on the trophy front, with just two points between Albany Empire Reborn and the Destroyers, one on the shortlist for the new “Deus Ex Machina” handout. The Destroyers’ three best? 19 from WR Chris Godwin, 27 from RB Josh Jacobs, and a nice 36 from WR Stefon Diggs. For the Empire, it was 26 from QB Lamar Jackson, 26 from RB Devon Achane, and 38 from WR A.J. Brown. Definitely an even matchup, made all the more frustrating for the Destroyers as with just one of a few personnel changes in the right place, they could have easily walked away with a dub. Instead, it’s Albany who steal one, 130-128 to stay at .500, while the Destroyers suffer at 0-4.

Anyways, it’s moose calving season around here, and I’ve seen the same doe with a baby out back the last three days in a row. The baby has little spindly legs which are kind of cute, so I think I can get one of those internet petitions going to see if I can get it named an alderman or something over in Warmen or Martensville if I post a few photos of it first. I’ve heard him make his first calls out to mom, and while they sound like horrific shrieks to the untrained ear, it’s certainly better than anything that’s come out of the mouth of the guy they made town councillor of St-Denis since he took over last year. The calf might have some stiff competition, though – cousin Randy had the same idea, and he said he’s going to get his pet goat Rufus elected as comptroller over in Dalmeny. November can’t get here soon enough.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With four weeks of football in the books, we all know what comes with Week 5 action. That’s right, boys and girls, the bye weeks arrive faster than a runaway train. A few players seem to have gotten in on the spirit early, their conspicuous absences occurring perhaps in solidarity with the ongoing auto workers’ strike or the lesser-known Canadian bingo caller’s revolt. Some players were completely confused, most notably Jonathan Taylor, who actually chose this week to come BACK to work after finally negotiating a contract. Take that, all you Ford bigwigs at the Windsor plant. Much like scrambling CEO’s, NHL GM’s are starting off the week in a frantic scramble to replace those players who are taking the week off, so let’s see what they managed contending with their first week of player scabs.

Starting off in the Keenan, Franco’s Italian Army played host to the Albany Empire Reborn. Albany got into the spirit of corporate mismanagement, leaving Breece Hall and DeAndre Hopkins to rot on the bench in favor of underperforming Rhamondre Stevenson and Chris Olave. Still, TE Kyle Pitts (15), WR AJ Brown (18) and RB Devon Achane (21) managed to put up decent production, although the latter seems to be taking an extended injury vacation. Mr. Franco made sure his weekly envelopes handed to the players stayed fat, and he was rewarded with 17 points from RB Jaleel McLaughlin, 19 from TE Dalton Schultz, 20 from a resurgent WR Calvin Ridley, and an impressive 29 from QB Jalen Hurts, whose previous threats to the team seem to have sparked something in this squad. FIA takes the win, 124-104.

In the first of this year’s battles for Holden family supremacy, the Party Rockers visited home to battle patriarch God’s Country. The Party Rockers went boom-or-bust, and where they boomed, they boomed loud. The ballyhooed preseason pick of TE Sam LaPorta paid off with 19, and QB Patrick Mahomes (20), WR Tyreek Hill (32) and RB Travis Etienne (35) all had fantastic performances. In a classic display of age before beauty, however (or is wisdom against youthful exuberance? I get my metaphors mixed), the Todd Squad went with the slow and steady approach, building a score with efforts from WR Jakobi Myers (20), WR Gabe Davis (22), WR Adam Thielen (27), TE George Kittle (27) and QB Josh Allen (28). Two 30-point players is hard to beat, but five 20-pointers is even harder, as demonstrated by God’s Country coming away with a victory, 159-143.

Finally in the Keenan, the Destroyers, still hungry for a first win, wanted nothing more than to take a bite out of hosts Two Duncan Donuts. Hit hard with the bye, the Destroyers still managed to extract good outings from the top half of the lineup, with 19 points coming courtesy of RB Josh Jacobs, 22 from QB Joe Burrow, and a solid 24 from WR Stefon Diggs. Perhaps 2DD didn’t take their opponents seriously, as only WR Curtis Samuel (18) and TE Dallas Goedert (25) seemed to exert themselves here (the twin B. Robinson running backs combined for only 18). In the end, Two Duncan Donuts escape with a win, 103-100, but that one might be too close for comfort moving forward, while the still-winless Destroyers lament what could have been.

Over in the Wayne, our first matchup serves as another cautionary tale to aspiring GM’s. Yes, you can go all-in on having the highest-scoring player of the week in your lineup, but you need more than that to secure a victory. Council of Steel heeded that message well, as in addition to WR DJ Moore’s 49-point game, the best of the year at that point, the Council had obtained the services of QB Kirk Cousins (19), TE Travis Kelce (22), and the Steeler D (27). All You Need Is Love, not to be outdone, proffered 52 points from WR Jamarr Chase just hours after Moore’s score, earning them the “You Got Rocked” Award for the best single-game performance by a player so far this year, but that’s where the efforts ended (QB Tua Tagovioloa’s 17 doesn’t really count). The award is nice, but I think a win would have been nicer, as the Council notches their first victory of the year, 155-110.

In perhaps another example of underestimating your opponent, the 4-0 Team Rockme welcomed the scrappy NoKe boys into town. By 3PM Sunday, this one seemed like a foregone conclusion and possibly the worst loss of all-time, as NoKe led by one hundred and fourteen points. Yup, read that again. Game score at 1500 CST was 120-6. Knute Rockme came back with dogged determination, however, led by RB D’Andre Swift with 16 points, and a strong effort from the 49er D late (24). It was too little too late, rather predictably, as NoKe had already banked 18 from RB Alvin Kamara, 26 from QB Jared Goff, and an astounding 32 from the Saints D. NoKe takes the win 132-96, and hands Knute Rockme their first loss of the year, although they still remain comfortably on top of the Wayne Division, while NoKe nips at their heels on tiebreak.

Finally, the Nerd Herd rumbled into BlahBlahBlah’s backyard. The Herd was so confident they said “buh-BYE” (get it?) to their defense and went with the one-sided attack. It seemingly paid off, with 18 from WR Puka Nacua (I feel like we’re missing five apostrophes in his name), 20 each from RB David Montgomery and TE Logan Thomas, and 24 from QB Brock Purdy. The B’s laid it all at the feet of quarterback Justin Fields and his 31 points, and while CMC, Corporal Kirk, and Kolkamet all had decent efforts, it just wasn’t quite enough to get them over the top. The Herd take the win here, 114-107.

Speaking of taking a few weeks off work, my cousin Randy’s brother-in-law’s kid, Dierks, apparently has gotten really good at making picket signs out of repurposed truck running boards. That’s all well and good, but I went outside yesterday to go down to the bottle shop and I couldn’t climb into my Ram. I know, I shouldn’t have bought a tow rig I’m too short to get into, but I’ve had to resort to making that stupid Moose car run on either propane or “Moose Juice” – I’m prototyping a new brand name for my maple-flavor homemade hooch. Maybe I can bribe him with a jar so I can get my step back.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

lost to the sands of time...

Perhaps old Wild Bill Hickok got it right way back in the days of yore. Gambling and sports have always had a close relationship, but the above-board-ness of it all may have varied as you crossed international border after international border. I took what I thought was a redeye from Halifax back to Saskatoon once, so you can imagine my surprise when I got off the plane after waking up and wandered out into the middle of Franjo Tuđman Airport Zagreb in Croatia. I was even more surprised, however, that when I went outside and walked in to what I thought was a coffee place, but turned out to be a totally legitimate betting parlor. Several thousand kunas and lipas later, I’d won enough to fund a trip back home, but it wasn’t the satisfaction of knowing I had enough for my return trip that got me going, it was the fact that I’d done what Archie Karas and Amarillo Slim had done before me. I had followed in the footsteps of the greats, and unlike Pete Rose or Isaiah Rodgers, it was all legal and I’d gotten off scott-free. A few of our NHL owners put all their chips on the table this week, so let’s take a look at how that worked out for them in our second week of interleague play.

Starting out with our game with the biggest spread from the bookmakers, the winless Destroyers went on the road to take on the very strong Knute Rockme. Both teams went all-in on this one, with injuries and a tough bye leading to just 4 total points scored on the bench between the two teams. Team Rockme wasn’t looking to reinvent the wheel here, looking to RB Jonathan Taylor for his usual 20-point production. Dandre Swift and Davante Adams, however, must have turned in some bet slips, as they suspiciously underperformed in a game where their opponents were huge dogs. The Destroyers definitely made some risky decisions (look no further than Brett Maher, who literally kicked himself out of a job), but 17 each from WR’s Stefon Diggs and Rashee Rice along with 23 from the Browns defense led to a score that would at least cover. With the Rockme boys stumbling, however, it was the long money that went home happy, as the Destroyers pull off the upset, 103-83 and notch their first win of the year.

Speaking of one-win teams with nothing left on the bench, Council of Steel played host to the Albany Empire Reborn. CJS was in a bad way with injuries and byes, so with limited options it was up to the starters to produce. With a solid outing from the likes of K Younghoe Koo, the Council had something to build on, adding 22 points from QB Kirk Cousins (in a primetime game!!) and an impressive 35 from TE Travis Kelce. Albany wasn’t in too much of a better spot bench-wise, and with close odds on this one things looked squeaky after they pulled out an early lead. QB Lamar Jackson had 33 points on another career day and RB James Cook added 18 of his own, but it was the late contribution of 29 from WR A.J> Brown that sealed the deal for Albany, as they win 141-132.

Next up, Franco’s Italian Army visited All You Need Is Love in a tight contest with both teams scrapping for a chance at a wild card spot in a few weeks. In terms of reasonably mobile quarterbacks, the Lovers were glad to be helmed by Tua instead of Deshaun Watson, whose awful performance thankfully went by the wayside. 26 for RB Jahmyr Gibbs, 22 for TE Darren Waller, and a pair of 19s for WR Courtland Sutton and TE T.J. Hockenson all totted up to a nice total. For the Guido Garrison, QB Jalen Hurts had 23, WR Joshua Palmer had 18, and WR Michael Pittman had 16, but when they went to the window they should have picked some different horses to win, place, and show. Maybe next time you won’t listen to Ralph and bet against Pie-Oh-My, lest someone have to make a call to Corky Ianucci.

Speaking of questionable choices, both BlahBlahBlah and the Party Rockers left some points behind as they continue to fight for spots in their division races. The B’s took a big gamble on special teamer Keyonte Ingram which paid out zero, but WR Christian Kirk (19), WR Mike Evans (20) and RB Donta’ Foreman (32) were all big winners here. The Party Rockers missed out on Jordan Addison, but 22 from RB Travis Etienne, 25 from WR Tyreek Hill, and 33 from QB Patrick Mahomes more than made up for it. Not the savviest of savvy from either team, but with better production than most of the league, the Quebec bookies still went home happy on the over, as the Party Rockers win 136-115.

The Sunday primetime slot went to two teams continuing their efforts to stay well within the playoff picture, as the Nerd Herd played host to God’s Country. The Todd Squad tried damned hard, but even their perfect lineup this week would have just been nudged out by the opposition. Still, 19 from the Seahawks D and 18 from WR Jakobi Meyers isn’t bad, and Isiah Pacheco and Jordan Love were respectable. Herd WR Puka Nacua continues to light the fantasy world on fire with 23 points, and the additional 18 from RB Saquon Barkley (the only reliable player on a New York team) and 17 from the Bucs D helped push this squad over the top. The Herd take the win, 119-100.

Finally on Monday night, NoKe and Two Duncan Donuts squared off in what could potentially be a postseason preview matchup. Double D did not double down, instead going for the safe play. However, Double D’s Double B. Rob RB’s (say that five times fast) burned them again, netting just 8 total points. WR Josh Downs (23), the Ravens D (19) and TE Dallas Goedert (18) provided the bulk of the scoring, but it was too little too late. NoKe went all in early with a completely empty bench, and boy did it pay off. TE Mark Andrews had 22, WR Amon-Ra St. Brown had 23, and RB Alvin Kamara, the checkdown machine, netted 29. The standout performance for me, though, was kicker Dustin Hopkins, who tallied an impressive twenty-two points, booting 4/4 field goals and 3/3 extra points in a perfect game. NoKe wins this one, 155-99, and stays on top of the Wayne.

All this talk has given me what those nutty Quebeckers call “démangeaison du joueur” – the gambler’s itch. I could use a few extra shekels in my pocket with the holidays coming up, and I think I’ve worked out a system that can either help me win big on Malaysian horse racing or break even on professional jai alai, I’m just not sure which one yet. Either way, maybe I ought to mosey on down to the old Fallsview Resort and try my hand. Maybe I’ll see Riverboat Ron there – if I do, I’ll be sure to ask for an autograph.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There’s plenty that you Yanks and us Canucks share across the border. Culture, movies, sports, and a love of putting melted cheese and brown sauce on top of French fries. One of the things we don’t, though, is holidays. You have the 4th of July, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving, and we have Remembrance Day, Canada Day, and…uhh, Thanksgiving, but in October. Everybody has Christmas, but one holiday we do share is Halloween. Nothing like getting small children to go out in public in silly clothes, wearing masks to conceal their identities, and encouraging them to trespass on people’s property that they can in turn be offered candy by adult strangers. Nope, nothing weird about that at all.

Let’s kick off another week of interleague play with BlahBlahBlah hosting the Destroyers. The B’s definitely had some Sunday scaries after QB Kenny Pickett went down to injury early on, leaving them down a man and without one of their consistent scorers. RB Christian McCaffery (29) was his usual self and TE Evan Engram had 16, but the rest of the team was perhaps too preoccupied going door-to-door to snag some more meaningful points. The Destroyers, like the Creature, crawled out of the Black Lagoon basement (aka last in the Keenan), with WR Chris Godwin and TE David Njoku scoring 17 each, QB Joe Burrow notching 27, and the Cowboys D taking home 28 points. The Destroyers claim victory, 145-106, as both teams continue to scratch, claw, and hopefully continue to play for something more than pride.

Speaking of bottom of the division and QB injury, it’s too easy not to bring up Council of Steel, as they hosted Two Duncan Donuts. CJS QB Kirk Cousins may have scored a few more points with 19, but he’s done for the year and may have put on his Viking costume for the final time in his career. With the Steeler D (17) being the only other strong score (although K Younghoe Koo continues to deliver above-average position results), the Council may have eaten some poison apples before kickoff. Double D might have dipped into the candy bowl a little early for some sugar-powered energy, as WR Brandon Aiyuk had 15, QB Justin Herbert scored 23 points, and RB Gus Edwards powered his way to 28. While they might not be a good pick to hand out to the kiddos, the Donuts were a Halloween hit this year, taking the win 123-92.

Nothing like a Halloween matchup featuring two teams named after famous dead football guys you could dress up and zombify, as Franco Harris’ Army Of The Dead took on Knute Rockne and his legion of Philadelphia jogging enthusiasts (is Rockne Balboa too much of a stretch?). Team Rockme started out strong with 26 from QB Dak Prescott, 16 from K Brendan McManus, and 14 from WR Keenan Allen. Not to be outdone, FIA responded with 25 from QB Jalen Hurts, 22 from RB Austin Ekeler, 18 from WR Michael Pittman and 17 from WR Garrett Wilson. It was just enough for the zombies to chase down the joggers on Broad Street, as Franco wins, 111-102.

Since we talked about being back from the dead, the Albany Empire lived up to the “Reborn” part of their name this week against hosts Nerd Herd. RB Breece Hall (20) and WR A.J. Brown (33) were the biggest hits at the costume party, although a few of the other popular kids like Deandre Hopkins couldn’t make it. The Herd went all in on their costumes, too, although I’m not sure the horn-rimmed glasses and the rubber pocket protectors would have been as good as a Star Trek theme with full Vulcan makeup. QB Brock Purdy (20), RB Derrick Henry (16), and TE Logan Thomas (15) led the way for the Herd, but they lose a close one to Albany, 116-111.

Thankfully for the Party Rockers, they’ve got the creepy costume mask thing already going for them all year round, so they fit right in against All You Need Is Love. RB Travis Etienne and WR Tyreek Hill both went with 25 points as well as a Jim Carey “Mask” routine, WR Jordan Addison (21) decided on Sting facepaint, and TE Sam LaPorta (19) just went with the classic Guy Fawkes. Despite the full name, the Lovers decided to dress up as Journey, with TE T.J. Hockenson (20) on keyboard and vocals, QB Tua Tagovailoa (21) on drums, WR Jamarr Chase (25) on bass, RB Jahmyr Gibbs (29) on rhythm guitar and WR CeeDee Lamb (40) on lead guitar. As time ran out, the Lovers opened their arms to a win, 156-153.

Finally, our two division leaders squared off in primetime, as God’s Country went to the haunted forest to take on NoKe. Both squads hit every house on the block that had full size candy bars, and agreed to weigh their sacks of sweets at the end to see who would come out on top. Old Man Jenkins pretty much only had raisins, but the Seahawk D managed to find 17 points in his dish, while WR Gabe Davis and TE George Kittle both got 23 points from the corner house, and QB Josh Allen cleaned up with 30 at the new McMansion across the street, giving God’s Country an awfully full pillowcase. NoKe found some good loot too, with RB Alvin Kamara getting 26 from the new couple that just moved in, WR Jaylen Waddle braving the house with the scariest decorations and coming away with 25, and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown sneaking two 8’s for 16 points out of the bowl that got set outside by the people that weren’t home. Both teams brought out the kitchen scale and weighed their bags, and the results had God’s Country just edging out NoKe, 135-132.

Thankfully, my sugar high is wearing off, so now it’s time to look around and see what kind of candy I have left to eat tomorrow. My third cousin Danny is a dentist in Alberta, and he says the next two weeks are the busiest time of year for him. I guess that makes sense and it’s easier than being a dentist in Saskatchewan, where your average patient is missing 4 or 5 teeth. I can finally peel off my Don Cherry costume (which was just the plaid suit I wore to my divorce hearing) and hang it up for another year. Maybe next year I’ll go as a toothbrush.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

I think it’s pretty clear by now that my two great passions in life are fantasy football and consuming aggressive amounts of illicitly manufactured liquor, but there’s an itch that I just need to scratch from time to time that I haven’t mentioned in many a moon. Watching sweaty men wearing protective equipment knock each other over three or four days a week excites me, but nothing gets my motor running more than watching baby oil-covered men wearing tights knocking each other over inside a repurposed boxing ring. It’s a time-honored tradition that resonates deep within Canadian pop culture – mention the Montreal Screwjob, and any Canuck worth his salt will tell you that the only phrase that upsets them more than an “aboot” joke is “Brett screwed Brett.” No, not the Mississippi welfare king Mr. Favre, but the Canadian icon Brett Hart, whose level of hero worship in the Great White North is only surpassed by Celene Dion and Terry Fox. With the annual Royal Rumble looming large just 8 weeks away, I can hardly wait to get through Christmas.

In what can only be described as a Dwayne Johnson-themed affair, Knute ROCKme hosted the visiting Party ROCKers in our first matchup of the week. Team Rockme started out with a few duds, but did their best to battle back with performance from WR Keenan Allen (15), RB Jonathan Taylor (17) and QB Dak Prescott (27). The Party Rockers, on the other hand, started by dropping the People’s Elbow right out of the gate, and boy is it hard to make a comeback from the most electrifying move in sports entertainment. TE Dalton Kincaid had 16, the Packers D put up 25, and RB Rachaad White added 27 in what was a 124-point opening salvo. Both teams showed the crowd that they’re still in contention for the playoffs, but the millions (and millions) of NHL fans around the world saw the Party Rockers win this one, 140-102, as both teams move to 5-4.

 In what was originally scheduled to be a handicap match, God’s Country took the trip to face off against Council of Steel. Missing a running back, the Council interfered before the match and took out GC receiver Gabe Davis in a backstage attack to even the numbers. When the bell rang, however, the Council looked like a bunch of enhancement talent and jobbers in the ring, with only K Younghoe Koo (19) and the Steeler D (18) looking like they might get a development contract. The members of the Todd Squad didn’t fare much better, with only QB Josh Allen (24) turning in a performance worthy of a call-up to the main roster while the rest of this squad is definitely staying in a Jim Crockett-level promotion. Nevertheless, God’s Country gets the win here, 100-69. The rich get richer, as GC improves to 7-2, best in the NHL and in command of the Keenan, and the poor get poorer, with CJS languishing in last at 1-8.

Franco’s Italian Army took on BlahBlahBlah in a scrap for a new upstart promotion from Turner Sports, based on their classic formula – a few old names, stolen away for pennies on the dollar, with a bunch of new exciting talent that you’ve never heard of unless you read the dirt sheets religiously. The B’s WR Amari Cooper lived up to the hype with 24, and TE Cole Kmet (23) and WR Jahan Dotson (16) both impressed. Franco’s Italian Army, though, looked like the stable to beat, with proven star power in QB Jalen Hurts (24) and RB Austin Ekeler (20) backed up by WR Diontae Johnson and TE Jake Ferguson with 22 each. The FIA wins this one, 134-104, proving that yes, more than one company can be on TV at once and they can both be successful (not you, Ring of Honor. Sit down.).

The first undercard match of the evening saw the Destroyers taking on All You Need Is Love for the Asian/Pan-African Television Championship. The Lovers started out strong with 28 from WR CeeDee Lamb and 17 from the Bengals D, but started to fade in the later stages. The Destroyers stayed in it early with 19 from utility player Tayson Hill and 21 from RB Josh Jacobs, but then they finished with a 22-point guillotine legdrop from WR Stefon Diggs followed up by a 23-point German suplex from QB Joe Burrow. The ref counted to three, the crowd cheered, and the Destroyers hoisted the gold, 123-104.

Next up, Two Duncan Donuts faced the Nerd Herd in a lumberjack match to see who was the number one contender for a Wild Card Playoff Contract. With both being face characters, neither seemed to want to beat the other for the spot, so the 25 or so heel wrestlers surrounding the ring made sure to force them back in every time someone tried to roll under the ropes and flee to the back. Nursing some injuries, 2DD at least tried to put on a good show, with two nice spots coming in the form of 17 from RB Gus Edwards and 22 from the Ravens D. The Herd really didn’t seem to want to take it to Double D, but with their injuries causing them to fade, they simply outlasted and a 18-point powerbomb from RB Derrick Henry was the difference in this one. Nerd Herd wins 77-76, pushing them into a tie with Franco’s Italian Army for joint ownership of The Deus Ex Machina Award, presented by WD-40 for squeaking out a one-point win.

Finally, our main event of the evening saw NoKe host the Albany Empire Reborn in a Ladder Match for the vacant Junior Heavyweight Title. Both squads still hungry for a playoff spot, they entered knowing that this might be the tipping point to keep them in contention for the biggest prize of all. NoKe started off with 17 from TE Mark Andrews and 19 from WR Tee Higgins, before a top rope splash of 23 points from the Saints D. The Empire responded with 16 from WR Chris Olave and 19 from WR A.J. Brown, before mustering up the strength to spear NoKe with 22 from RB Rhamondre Stevenson. Both competitors were battered and bloody, but after NoKe hit a 39-point suicide dive through the ring ropes courtesy of QB C.J. Stroud, neither competitor looked like they would be able to get up. Both laid motionless as the ref counted, before they both clawed their way back into the ring at the “9” count. After some weak slaps and grappling, they clambered up the ladder in the middle, reaching for the belt, before the Chargers D gave NoKe a massive 42-point shove, sending them crashing through a table below. The Empire reached into the lights and snatched the belt away, giving them the victory, 148-143, and finally returning them to a winning record as both teams are now 5-4.

Whether it’s Sweet Chin Music, the Japanese Green Mist, the Stone Cold Stunner, or the Atomic Elbow Drop, there’s one move that stands head and shoulders above the rest of them in my book. It’s one of the most impressive visually, one of the most difficult technically, one of the most exciting emotionally, and just dripping with national pride. Yes, every time you watch some good old wrasslin’ on the TV, they tell you that you’re watching trained professionals and never attempt what you see at home or at school. But now I’ve got the feeling, so I’ll be calling up Cousin Ricky to come over and I’m going to see how many times I can put him through a Canadian Destroyer before we have to call an ambulance.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

Throngs of adoring fans and vocal detractors often follow me about from place to place as I go about my travels and social engagements, or at least they did in years past before I stopped showing my face in public regularly. Thankfully, we Canucks are known for our polite and considerate nature, so whether it’s autograph hounds and young women begging me to bear my children, or angry Quebecers and Steven A. Smith-impersonating junior pundits, I usually can make my way about my life with relative ease. The last time I went out to dinner a few years ago, I had to make my way through a swarm of three men asking my opinions on if they should pick up Tarik Cohen or Kerryon Johnson off the waiver wire that week. As a result, I rarely make public appearances besides the grocery store, the hardware store and the bottle shop. Perhaps it’s a lesson good old Premiere Trudeau should keep in mind next time he goes out for a drink in Vancouver.

Our final week of interleague action saw the Destroyers hosting Council of Steel to see who would remain on the bottom rung of the league ladder. As you know, the team holding Younghoe Koo, the most dynamic player in AAF league history, will always be fated to win the game, but he wasn’t his usual sparkling self for the Council. The bulk of the scoring came courtesy of the Steelers D (21) and RB Antonio Gibson (29), who appears to finally be catching up to his expected performance at the beginning of the season. Speaking of questionably-performing running backs, Destroyers RB Alexander Mattison went down to a concussion, putting his job in further jeopardy. 15 from WR Deebo Samuel, 19 from QB Joe Burrow and 21 from the Browns D, all standing basically alone, just wasn’t enough to get the job done, as the Council picks up their second win of the year, 101-93.

From fighting over the 2024 first round pick to fighting to stay in the playoff picture, the Nerd Herd came to town to take on the Party Rockers. With both teams flirting with the cut line, this was another game that hinged on a key injury. The Herd, with efforts from the Bucs D (19) and QB Brock Purdy (23), lagged behind early, but a late push from the likes of RB David Montgomery (17) and WR Tyler Lockett (23) gave them an edge. The Party Rockers came out of the gate with 17 from RB Rachaad White, 18 from the Packer D, and 19 from WR Tank Dell, before adding a strong Monday night effort from RB Javonte Williams (20). It was their QB Derek Carr, however, suffering yet another injury and piece of bad luck, that killed the Party as they fall to the Herd, 115-103. (Seriously, how does this keep happening to Carr? I swear he’s cursed or something, look at his career. Just bad break after bad break, dude has the WORST luck in football. – W)

Since we’re talking playoffs and Holden-run teams, let’s jump over to All You Need Is Love taking the trip to God’s Country. The Todd Squad has put nary a foot wrong all year in 2023, but this week was a bit of a stumble as some stalwart performers turned in several duds. TE George Kittle (20) was his usual self and RB Devin Singletary (23) had a very impressive game, but guys like Josh Allen and Gabe Davis could have brought more to the table – RB Rico Dowdle got a surprise start and proved more than adequate, a shrewd move for the front office. The Lovers, on the other hand, have really had to step their game up from the start of the year, and kept the momentum rolling in this one, with WR Jamarr Chase (23), RB Jahmyr Gibbs (25), TE T.J. Hockenson (30) and WR CeeDee Lamb (39) bringing the pain. This results in a 177-107 final in favor of the Lovers, giving them the honor of the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for top score of the year, as well as joint ownership of The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 70-point drubbing (GC also now shares the requisite “Soda Can” award with Nerd Herd). Now, if only the Lovers could start the correct run-first quarterback…

Another matchup of a team on the outside looking in at a team on the inside, NoKe were visitors against Franco’s Italian Army. That shot of military-style discipline seems to have really whipped the Franco Force into shape, as led by Faker Mayfield himself, QB Sam Howell (23), the whole squad, especially Austin Ekeler (20), K Jason Myers (21) and the Colts D (26) all are running like a finely tuned winning machine. NoKe plays with a little less discipline but a little more swagger, with QB Jared Goff (22) tossing lobs to flashy wide receivers like Amon-Ra St. Brown (29) and outlet passes to RB Alvin Kamara (18). Nothing wrong with plenty of style, but this team might need a little more substance if they want to get in to the dance – they remain at 5-5, as FIA takes the win, 156-120 and remains #2 overall.

Speaking of that .500 mark, BlahBlahBlah and Albany Empire Reborn have both been floating near it in more recent weeks. Both teams still have some work to do before they can be in the playoff conversation, so they were both desperate for a win in Week 10. The B’s, as ever, plugged RB Christian McCaffery in for another solid 19-point performance, backed up with 17 from RB Donta Foreman and a great 26-point day from Tampa-flavor WR Mike Williams. With overall strong efforts early from the Killer B’s, Albany had a hill to climb, starting with 22 from the Panthers D and 21 from WR Chris Olave. TE Trey McBride (21) added another late push, but Albany gassed out late and couldn’t finish the job. BlahBlahBlah improves to 4-6 and is still in the fight, as they pick up the win 132-119.

Finally, Two Duncan Donuts hosted Knute Rockme in an alternative strategy showdown. Both teams seemed to employ the ethos of “it’s better to be lucky than good”, so let’s see who had more four-leaf clovers in their pockets. Double D was a bit more modest but a bit more consistent with their results, with 17 from RB Bijan Robinson and 21 from the Ravens D backed up with 27 from QB Justin Herbert and 26 from RB Brian Robinson (Finally, these Washington backs are starting to produce after ten weeks.). Team Rockme, however, hit two big jackpots, as QB Dak Prescott turned in 37 points before WR Keenan Allen added 40 of his own. With DK Metcalf and Greg “the Leg” Zuerlein as an insurance policy, Rockme takes the win 153-125 and is now sitting pretty at 6-4, capping off a strong week for the Wayne Division in interleague play.

Well folks, it’s back to the rivalry games next week. Our second batch of Wayne and Keenan action is here and it’s the final push to see who can climb out of the divisional crab bucket. The middle of the pack is muddy as ever and this year, there’s no runaway favorite or drop-dead lock in for the number one spot. This, for me, is almost better than playoff football, and it’s the time of year when I drink the least, because there’s still no foregone conclusions and the seasonal depression hasn’t quite set in yet. Just know that I’ll be doing it either from my own flea-riddled couch or the league office – I’m not interrupting my sandwich to grade your Cade Otten-Braxton Berrios trade.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

As the nitty gritty of the season is upon us, there’s always a few things that I expect to see this time of year. The one most feared by owners and fans alike is the injury that spells doom for the rest of the ongoing season, as we’re to the point now that IR-designated-to-return really doesn’t help anyone out. At the start of the year, a broken finger or a rolled ankle might have meant a few weeks on the shelf followed by a triumphant return, but now those are injuries that make teams shut down your franchise star faster than a Russian oligarch’s bank account. Thankfully, I’m immune to this problem. I was helping Cousin Ricky put up his deer stand last week – of course, he put it up right near the main road into town so he can shoot his BB gun at degens from upcountry coming for a drink on a Friday night as opposed to shooting at deer. Anyway, the phone pole he chose to set the stand on was a bit rotten, my foot peg slipped off, and I took a 5 meter fall right on my bum. This means that while I can still produce my written prose, I’ve had to fashion a standing desk out of some scrap wood and milk bag pitchers, because when I sit, it hurts worse than the day Gretz got traded to the LA Kings.

Kicking off another week of divisional action, BlahBlahBlah and NoKe squared off for the right to be number one contender for the Wayne wildcard spot. NoKe eased out to an early lead, in large part due to 21 from WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, but with virtually the whole lineup gassing out early, it was only a late effort of 17 from the Chiefs D that kept this one a contest. The B’s, on the other hand, went for the slow burn, starting with 19 from QB Justin Fields before adding 15 from WR Mike Evans, 20 from RB Christian McCaffery, and 29 from the Bills defense. BlahBlahBlah takes the win, 125-94, and at 5-6, both teams still cling to playoff life.

In stark contrast, Knute Rockme hosted Council of Steel in what really amounted to a mere formality. Team Rockme is a likely postseason lock, and CJS appears to be gunning for the 2024 first overall pick. With an injury to Cooper Kupp and multiple no-shows and underperformances, the CJS squad did save a little face thanks to 22 from WR D.J. Moore, 17 from the Steeler D, and an impressive 17-point day for K Cairo Santos. The Rockme boys showed that they’re a force to be reckoned with this holiday season, touting a Commanders D (19), RB Dandre Swift (19), RB Joe Mixon (20), WR DK Metcalf (20), WR Davante Adams (21), and WR Keenan Allen (27). Truly a high-octane lineup that the rest of the league should fear. Knute Rockme takes the win convincingly, 154-74, giving that team the prize of The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 80-point margin of victory. Council of Steel suffers the double ignominy of retaking possession of the requisite “Soda Can” Award, as well as being the first team to be officially eliminated from postseason contention. RIP to Council of Steel.

Our last Wayne matchup saw a probable playoff contender in Nerd Herd hosting playoff hopeful All You Need Is Love. The Lovers were hoping to ride their recent good momentum all the way to the playoffs, but with bellcow back Aaron Jones going down to injury, that’s a tall mountain to climb. RB Jahmyr Gibbs (20) performed admirably in his stead, with support coming from QB Tua Tagovailoa (18) and WR Courtland Sutton (16). After trailing early, the Herd caught a second wind, combining efforts from RB David Montgomery (17), WR Puka Nacua (18), the Bucs D (18), QB Brock Purdy (26) and RB Saquon Barkley (29). This strong squad showed why they’ve been near the top of the table all year, as they get an important win, 138-109, and sit just one game back, while the Lovers have some more work to do at 5-6.

Since we’re talking playoff hopefuls, let’s move to the Keenan and take a look at the shootout between Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking hosting Two Duncan Donuts. The Party Rockers, true to their unconventional name and mascot choices throughout the years, have made it a trademark to use relative unknown players as centerpieces, usually leading to big production (eat your heart out, Bill Belichek). WR Tank Dell (28) once again proved this theory valid, along with a 30-point effort from WR Tyreek Hill and 17 from RB Rashaad White. 2DD use a similar strategy favoring youth in their lineup, and it also paid dividends, with 26 from WR Brandon Aiyuk, 25 from QB Justin Herbert, 20 from RB Gus Edwards, and 17 apiece from RB Brian Robinson and an impressive K Tyler Bass. Once the dust settled, it was only a 5-point margin of victory, as Double D takes the “double u”, 142-137.

In what was a much less high-octane affair, the ailing Destroyers hosted the Albany Empire Reborn. This game harkened back to the leather helmet era, as both teams could only field one 20-point player to go with their multiple single digit ones. The Empire did manage to extract 18 each from RB’s Breece Hall and James Cook, to go with 24 from QB Lamar Jackson, but amount of 1’s and 0’s made this lineup card look like it was written in binary. The Destroyers’ bright spot was the Cowboy D, who put together a touchdown, a pick, a forced fumble and seven sacks to earn a handy 26 points. However, with David Njoku the only other Destroyer to get into the double digits, it was an exercise in futility. Albany gets an ugly win, 98-86, and probably have some new concerns going in to Week 12. The Destroyers, while technically still not out, might take their last gasp before Week 13.

Our primetime matchup saw #1 ranked God’s Country play host to top contender Franco’s Italian Army in what could be a championship preview game. Both teams seem evenly matched in more ways than one – most lampoonable, the fact that both teams featured a no-show wide receiver. Nevertheless, the Francophiles jumped out to an early lead thanks in no small part to the Dolphins 20-point defense and a surprising 30 points from WR Calvin Ridley (where has he been?). QB Jalen Hurts added 18 more late to keep this one close, but they weren’t out of the woods yet. God’s Country came storming back, led by RB Devin Singletary (19) and QB Josh Allen (21), before TE George Kittle was his usual self and stacked up 22 points. With a little late help from Isiah Pacheco, God’s Country sneak out a three-point win, 110-107, and maintain both their number one ranking and superiority over the Keenan Division.

Well boys, it’s off to the sports specialist for me. Of course, one of the main benefits of my glorious Canadian citizenship is unlimited free healthcare. The drawback, though, is that it can be quite hard to see the doctor in a timely manner. While I really need to see a orthopaedic guy for my tailbone, that’s not going to be for a few weeks, and in the meantime I really want to sit on my own couch as opposed to laying facedown on it. I figure the local junior hockey club trainers can just shoot my tailbone full of cortisone for a few weeks while I make my own postseason writing push. After all, it worked for Brett Favre for all those years…how hard could it be?

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

I’ll still never understand why you Yanks celebrate Thanksgiving on the wrong day. The weather is usually cold, the traffic is always horrible, and you leave most stores open despite closing the banks and every key government service for five days. I get that it’s originally for giving thanks because some First Nations folks fed the settlers to keep them from starving for the winter, but now it just feels like you’re giving thanks that the Christmas shopping season is starting. It’s a big reason for celebration to have lost sight of, not like ours which is just a day that King Edward got better from a cold. Also, why a Thursday? I know we do ours on a Monday because of the metric system, but it just seems like a pain to put it in the middle of the week. At least we can agree on the food – hard to beat a turkey leg and some stuffing. Hopefully you’ve all shaken off your tryptophan comas, because some players certainly didn’t this week.

In the Keenan, the Party Rockers headed to Albany to duke it out to determine the top contender for a wildcard shot. The hosting Empire went heavy on the side dishes and a little light on main courses, but 20 from the Vikes D as well as RB Rhamondre Stevenson were big hits with the crowd. Thankfully, Party Rockers WR Tyreek Hill was the star of the show with 25, while QB Patrick Mahomes (20), the Packers D (18), and WR Tank Dell (17) were also well-received. Overall, a good little get together, with the Party Rockers taking the win 130-111 as both teams sit at 6-6.

Two Duncan Donuts spent the morning getting ready for God’s Country to come visit, setting the table and slaving over a 27-point Bijan Robinson casserole, and baking a 20-point Ravens Defense pie. The Todd Squad was a little late to dinner, but the wait was worth it, as they brought a stunning roast in the form of 40 points from QB Josh Allen. Side dishes of RB Isiah Pacheco (25) and WR Gabe Davis (22) were also gobbled up with little hesitation, while an alternate dessert of 17 points from the Giants D only had a few crumbs left on the plate. Sometimes it’s better to let your guests do the cooking, and God’s Country showed it with their 144-110 win. Double D suffered double damage, moving to 6-6, and tying the BENCH score for GC. (The GC bench put up 110, which would have beaten or tied 5 teams this week. Very impressive – this is a dangerous team. - W)

Forgoing tradition, Franco’s Italian Army served up some home country classics in their cook-off style showdown with the Destroyers. WR Garrett Wilson (17) was lazy and picked up some cannolis at the store, WR Michael Pittman (20) made a caprese salad, WR Calvin Ridley (21) brought shrimp alfredo, the Dolphins D (32) all pitched in an ingredient to make a delicious wedding soup, and QB Jalen Hurts (33) made his famous chicken cacciatore. In response, the Destroyers brought some native food of their own, with WR Stefon Diggs (19) bringing his Buffalo chicken dip, the Cowboys D (21) making a pot of chili, WR Deebo Samuel (21) bringing two loaves of homemade sourdough bread, RB Josh Jacobs (22) picking up a classic Vegas surf-n-turf and WR Rashee Rice (24) stealing the show with some delicious KC BBQ ribs. The judges tasted everything, and awarded the win to the Francophiles, 159-144 in a close contest. With their tight loss, the Destroyers are now officially the second team eliminated from playoff contention. RIP in peace to the Destroyers.

Over in the Wayne, NoKe visited All You Need is Love in a race for the wildcard spot. NoKe has been on a huge gym kick, entirely forgoing Thanksgiving classics for pure protein, supplements and gallons of energy drinks. It showed on the big day, with 18 from WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, 19 from WR Jalen Waddle, and 23 from WR Nico Collins. QB C.J. Stroud (31) has fully embraced the new craze of the paleo-keto hybrid diet, and RB Kyren Williams drank nothing but Bang preworkout, popping off for 38 points on a 2-TD day. The Lovers favored things like candied yams and pie, but it seemed to slow them down a bit, with WB Kyler Murray (21) being the only player to have just a plate full of veggies. WR CeeDee Lamb (18), the Bengals D (17) and TE T.J. Hockenson (16) all had a balanced diet, but they still had some stuffing and gravy to go with their white meat and brussels sprouts. NoKe romps in this one, 165-111, giving them the better shot at a wildcard chance.

At the Knute Rockme/BlahBlahBlah dinner, everyone had two really big plates early and then went right to sleep with an extended nap. The B’s favored the 30-point duck from RB Christian McCaffery and WR Mike Evans 25-point mac and cheese before the Z’s caught up with the B’s. While Rockme’s TE Jonnu Smith was a total no-show from a turkey coma, it didn’t matter, as QB Dak Prescott (30), the 49ers (25), WR Keenan Allen (22) and RB Jonathan Taylor (21) all cleaned their plates twice over before settling in to the recliner before the sun went down. Knute Rockme takes this one, 149-115, and remains on top of the Wayne – hopefully someone woke back up to do the dishes.

Finally, Council of Steel really didn’t want to go over to neighbor Nerd Herd’s house, but felt like they needed to because it was the polite thing to do. Even though the result wasn’t too important for them, they still spent some time preparing a nice 22-point bird from WR D.J. Moore, and TE Travis Kelce’s 15-point green bean casserole and the Steelers’ 15-point cranberry sauce. Everyone had to eat out of bowls, though, because Allen Lazard never showed up with the paper plates. Herd host WR Devonta Smith made a nice batch of 23-point stuffing, but they took so long working on that that they burned the pie, causing RB David Montgomery (15) to run out at the last second to pick one up from the store. Puku Nacua and Saquon Barkley brought ice and potato chips instead of their assigned dishes, and Logan Thomas, as expected, did Logan Thomas things and pretty much just stayed in his room. CJS gets the win, 94-85, and nobody left dinner happy. Nerd Herd’s inlaws on the bench actually scored 105 at their dinner, and while that 20-point gap is only enough to get them honorable mention for a Travis Bickell Memorial “Taxi Squad” award, it’s worth pointing out that that result would have beaten both teams. Someone needs to take some cooking classes before next year.

I’ve had a month and a half to burn off my turkey and poutine, so I’m already raring to go for this week’s slate of games. You may say, “Oh, Atom, I’m sleepy, I had a leftover turkey leg for lunch” and “Oh, Atom, it’s cold out now, I don’t want to go out and be social,” and to you I say this – phooey! The warmest it’s been for the last month is 2 degrees (40 freedom units) and I’ve been eating autumn gobbler for two months, so I don’t want to hear it. Go out, cut down a spruce tree from your neighbor’s yard, cover that thing in tinsel made from beer can tabs, glue some shop lights to the front of your house, and get in the Christmas spirit like the rest of us. I just with the stores would play a little less Mariah Carey – I’m more of a Celene Dione fan myself.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

You know how it goes.  Delegate critical decisions to a small group of self-important people who care more about money than integrity, and you get bad choices. Add in arbitrary criteria, and you get confusion.  Ignore precedent, and you create anarchy.  In politics, it’s a bad look.  On the Golden Bachelor, you get a head scratcher.  In sports, it’s an unmitigated disaster.  Can you believe the committee decision this week??!!  Dropping from Number 3 to out in the cold??!!  No New Year’s Day glory for the well-deserved?  Of course, I am referring to the ridiculous exclusion of the Saskatoon Mooseriders, the best undefeated “amateur” curling club north of the border.  You may remember that the Mooseriders stunned the nation in the summer with the announcement that they would change conferences and drop from the all-powerful SEC (Super Extra Canada) 22, and join the lesser respected ACC (All Canada Curlers) effective immediately.  The Mooseriders had a brutal out-of-conference schedule (Little Rock-pushing Sisters of the Blind was a tough out this year) but they prevailed and went 183-0, and were nationally ranked 3 going into their ACC championship.   A bizarre mid-week practice injury (reportedly ‘Sweepers Elbow’) knocked out their Number 1, but they promoted Number 5 and still held off the Leftyville squad to win the championship.  Amazingly, that wasn’t enough, as the Committee voted this week to put the Altoona Elk Hide into the National Curling 4-team playoff and implement a version of the 5-Rock Rule to bump the Mooseriders.  So the all-important Hammer clearly goes to TV and the Committee.  Shame on them.  The Saskatoon squad will compete in the Landfill Sweep Off - sponsored by Behr - to end their season.  Sorry, just had to vent – now returning to your regular programming.

I know you all really want to know how it goes in the NHL.  Atom reminded me that teams are jockeying at the top for playoff seeding and at the bottom for draft position.  You know who you are.  So, let’s look at the top.  God’s Country is having a great year, but when it comes to the house music, Ukelele Apology is the party that is rocking.   The Country had four single digit scorers, while the Party Rockers receivers put up 19 from Rachaad White and 32 from Tyreek The Freak.  Mahomes was pedestrian with 13 but who needs a TE named “MaAuto” when you have 29 from Sam ‘trans’Porta.  In the end, Ukelele had all the music this week with the top score of 156, and looks to be trying to sneak into the playoff party.  The GCers will be fine and still sit tied for a top seed with 9 wins.

Next up in our scoring hoedown is Knute Rockme at NoKe.  Our former NHL champ NoKe needed to take this one and had an up and down performance. Rookie QB hotshot CJ Stroud had 15. Up. WR Amen St. Brown caught only 2 balls. Down. Alvin Kamara and Nico Collins (who?) combined for 62. Way up. The Chiefs DST lost to the Packers. Down. On the other side, Dak Prescott, Joe Mixon and DJ Metcalf all had more than 25 - in fact, Metcalf had 37. And that is playoff football. The mighty Me’s beat the ‘Ke’s 148 to 141 in a close one. 

In another tier-separating match, Nerd Herd took on BlahBlahBlah. The 3B’s decided to ride the mustache known as Gardiner Minshew.  He showed well, waxing his way to 18. Reliable RB McCaffrey contributed a solid 22, and even Evan Engram added 23. But the cheering stopped when Christian Kirk got hurt early and the rest of the B’s could only muster 18 total. On the other hand, the calculating owner of the Herd played almost a perfect card missing just 3 points off of his possible optimum score.  He sat the young stud QB Lawrence and the mercurial QB Will Levis, and started Brock “I’m so” Purdy for 27. He sat WRs Locket and London and played DeVonta Smith and rookie P. “I’m Back” Nacua who combined to 47. The Nerd even made the right kicker choice.  It all adds up to a solid 138-113 win and a solid position in the 4 seed. 

Speaking of former NHL trophy holders, our other top team took on a tough opponent with Franco’s Italian Army facing Albany Empire Reborn. The Italian Army wanted respect at the top and put General “Tush Push” Hurts right up front.  He again would score on this now infamous maneuver, helping his 24 points. Franco mustered his forces - Michael Pittman added a helpfully unexpected 27 and the Dolphins DST feasted the leftover turkey known as the Commanders to add 18.  But the Empire struck back.  DeAndre Hopkins caught 18. A.J. Brown gave 19. Chris Olave had 16. Even Matt Gay booted 14.  The Empire lives! But wait. The Dark Side never triumphs. The Force cast a spell on the evil cheating Bill Belichick, and the not-Patriots did not score for their entire game. To boot, the unfortunate Lt. Stevenson serving for the Empire only gave 2 points. If he had one more yard, one more point, what if??? Ah, that is a Bad Beat and Franco wins 123 to 122 tied with two others for the top spot.

Now we start talking about next year’s draft competitors. Do you want Drake May or Marvin Harrison?  Is Kool-Aid McKinstry really a shut-down corner? Can you fit Olumuyiwa Fashanu’s name on the jersey and should it be spelled phonetically? These are clearly the issues our next 4 owners are focusing on, because it is not their lineups.  Maybe it’s unfair to drag Two Duncan Donuts or the Destroyers into this malaise. After all, the Donuts are always strategic and competitive. Oops…not this week. With only one position player scoring more than 10 points and their high flying NY J-E-T-S defense putting up almost one-quarter of the total team score, this just didn’t look good.  The Destroyers overcame a QB snafu, as bench-sitting Geno Smith had 29 but starter “Half-Baked” Mayfield had only 11, while their stud, Debo Samuel delivered a whopping 41 points. The Destroyers overcame a thin starting field with four players on the bench named “BYE” and win this one 116-84 to move solidly out of the cellar.

As they say, misery loves company. Council of Steel challenged All You Need is Love to be the low score of the week, and both almost won. This should have been a sister-kissing tie. This scoreboard and the respective benches are littered with the hopes and dreams of another lost season. Look at these head to head players matches. Council’s are first, then Love’s. QB 6 points to 8 points, RB1 11 to 1, RB2 9 to 7, TE 12 to 0. D/ST 8 to 5.  And then, going into Monday night, Love’s group was losing 75 to 59.  Somehow J’Mar Chase scored 31. AYNIL leaves 59 points on the bench but somehow wins 90 to 75. Both these clubs will be looking at the spelling of Olumuyiwa Fashanu.

That wraps up our week. The Mooseriders are trying to entice Marvin Harrison Jr. to forego the NFL draft and take advance of his two-way talent and exceptional wingspan to join the squad.  He could be world class sweeper.  They are reportedly negotiating with the Quebecois to give Harrison NIL rights on a 2024 Loonie, and a #1 of #1 gold-class ultra series OOmpaa trading card and a patent on Auntie Horton’s (Tim’s mom) poteet recipe.  Pretty strong offer, Eh?   Attache ta tuque!

Atom will return next week with a more coherent recap.

Yours in spirit, 

L.L. Piper, 

Slightly Deranged Draft Analyst and Excellent Hair Weave Proprietor

There are two constants in life, death and taxes – a phrase often attributed to one of the great Yank statesman, Benjamin Franklin. Of course, you Yanks tend to forget quite a few important details when it’s convenient for you – Big Ben spent most of his formative years schooled abroad before spending most of his adult life in French cathouses or being the ambassador to Sweden, making him less American than you might think. So too, is the quote, which actually comes from our common ancestor British author, Christopher Bullock, way back in 1716, from his work The Cobbler Of Preston – “You lye, you are not sure; for I say, Woman, 'tis impossible to be sure of any thing but Death and Taxes.” Ahh, you didn’t expect old Atom to bust out the high culture on you, did ya? Well, old Chris might have been talking about telling a “lye”, and since I don’t have my glasses on, that looks like “rye,” which is a good job since I’ve been drinking plenty to recover from the case of bird flu I caught last week…I’m trying to use the alcohol and apply it directly to the germs in my body to sanitize them. That strategy might bring about my untimely demise, but before I go, it brings about this awkward segue into the fact that we had plenty of death this week in the NHL, so let’s get right into that without any further ado.

Kicking things off in the Keenan, Albany Empire Reborn went on the road against Two Duncan Donuts in a scratch-and-claw matchup to stay in the wildcard hunt. One team clearly wanted a glimmer of postseason hope, and one team was Two Duncan Donuts. Justin Herbert’s injury aside, Double D would have been in double trouble any way you slice it this week, with WR Brandon Aiyuk (16), RB Bijan Robinson (19) and the Ravens D (20) clearly not getting the memo on tanking for draft picks. Albany wasn’t without their own blemish, as usually solid K Matt Gay netted an astounding -1 point, perhaps with his own designs on the ’24 number one spot. Nevertheless, WR Deandre Hopkins (25), RB Breece Hall (26) and QB Lamar Jackson (30) powered Albany to a convincing win, 141-82. It comes too little too late in the season, however, as other results around the league mean that both teams fall victim to the statisticians and are hereby eliminated from playoff contention. RIP in peace to Albany Empire Reborn. RIP in peace to Two Duncan Donuts.

With the path partially cleared, Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking was hoping for a miracle against Franco’s Italian Army. With their spot all but locked up, the Francophiles just had to cruise through this game and keep everyone healthy. Instead, they chose to remind everyone what’s waiting for them in the postseason, with 19 apiece from WRs Garrett Wilson and Michael Pittman, 21 from RB Austin Ekeler, and 22 from the Miami D (despite choking against the Will Levis-led Titans on ESPN Monday night – W). With the results inconsequential, FIA locks up a postseason berth. All glory to Franco’s Italian Army. For the Party Rockers, however, the result very much mattered, and all eyes were on RB Rachaad White and his 21 points. RB Javonte Williams added 17 and RB Travis Etienne had 16 more, but the production stopped outside of the ground game. The final score results in a 121-102 loss for the Party Rockers, and that result spells their imminent doom. RIP in peace to Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking.

With one Keenan berth secured and the already eliminated Destroyers dead on arrival, it was a foregone conclusion to the division with God’s Country on the road. The Destroyers, with their only chance at playing a part in the ’23 playoffs being spoiler to GC, rose to the occasion, despite an injury-riddled lineup. No Geno and no Taysom meant it was up to WR Deebo Samuel, who put the team on his back with 37 points. Kicker Brandon Aubrey (who the hell even is that?!) netted a tidy 23 (3XP and FGs of 45y, 50y, 59y, and 60y) while WR Rashee Rice and the Browns D didn’t slack with 18 each. God’s Country must have used this game as a testing session, because this gameplan isn’t going to work in the postseason. 22 from RB Raheem Mostert and 16 from TE George Kittle is all well and good, but the Jordan Love/Dontayvion Wicks combo just ain’t it, especially when Gabe Davis forgets to show up to the stadium. GC actually got beat by both the Destroyer bench and the Destroyer starters, falling 118-91, but it's of little consequence to both teams as their fates were already sealed at kickoff. All glory to God’s Country.

Speaking of already eliminated, let’s jump across the aisle to the Wayne and take a look at playoff hopeful NoKe against playoff hopeless Council of Steel. The Council was also looking to play spoiler in their one chance to shape the playoff picture, and they came out swinging, with 26 points from a resurgent RB Ezekiel Elliott, 26 from WR D.J. Moore, and a further 25 from WR Cooper Kupp. Where has the Council been hiding this all year? Playoff contenders they may not be, but perhaps contenders for the annual Dash For Cash…Meanwhile, NoKe had an uphill battle on their hands, as the Saints D with 30 points was their main contributor. Yes, Kyren Williams, Alvin Kamara and Jaylen Waddle put in some effort, but not enough to get them that all-important win. The Council triumphs, 131-101, and with it, they banish NoKe to the fires of playoff doom. RIP in peace NoKe.

With the other 6-win team dead in the water, the top teams in the Wayne duking it out, and All You Need Is Love carrying a one-game advantage at kickoff, BlahBlahBlah was effectively out, despite the statisticians waiting a few days to make it so officially. The Lovers were behind the 8-ball as well, needing some major help from the Keenan games to still stand a chance at sneaking in, but with those not coming, this game was an exercise in futility. The B’s were perhaps playing with some extra rage knowing the outcome going in, and while Khalil Herbert and Mike Evans decided to opt for early vacation, QB Justin Fields (25) and TE Evan Engram (32) certainly were going to go down swinging. For the Lovers, WR CeeDee Lamb (19) and the Broncos D (21) were still putting in work before the word came down to the sideline phone that it was all over. The B’s take the win, 118-107, as both teams go up in flames. RIP in peace BlahBlahBlah. RIP in peace All You Need Is Love.

Well, with the Wayne set, we got a nice early preview of what the conference round might look like next week, as Knute Rockme went on the road against Nerd Herd. Differing strategies here, as Team Rockme kept a few tricks up their sleeve but mostly got their A-team some good game reps. RB Joe Mixon had 20 points, while QB Dak Prescott had 18, with the rest of the team putting in some good work but perhaps trying to conserve some energy going in to the postseason. The Herd, on the other hand, rested some starters, as evidenced by their 102-point bench featuring names like Barkley, Flowers and Levis. RB Derrick Henry was his usual self with 17, QB Brock Purdy was looking just so with 22, and WR Drake London added 29 as the Herd won this battle for seeding, 121-115. All glory to Knute Rockme. All glory to Nerd Herd.

Well, with one week left to go in the regular season, we’ve already got our players, so now all we need are the matchups. Death might be one constant, but Canadian tax day is April 30 and it’s just around the corner. Not that I pay taxes, of course. I only deal in cash and bartered goods, which reminds me, since I’ve been sipping on this excellent Kentucky hooch, it’s about time I started brewing up my winter batch of bathtub elixir to sustain me both financially and alcoholically through the snow season. In a pinch, I can dump it in the heat pump or in the tank of my truck, too, so it really is a multipurpose solution. I’ll get to brewing, and the GM’s best get to managing in this final week of the regular season.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

The final week of the regular season is upon us, which signals naught but finality amongst the franchises of the NHL. Final pushes for playoff seeding for some, while others hope to hold on to their employment lest they become neighbors with Frank Reich and Brandon Staley on the unemployment line. Some players are packing their overnight bags to get ready for a long playoff run on the road, while others are already preemptively selecting which iron set they’ll check at the airport next week. Truly the most magical time of year…just hopefully no one will have a flight delayed or cancelled by a flying sleigh bombing down the Eastern Seaboard in a few days’ time.

Starting things off with a fight of futility in the Keenan, the Destroyers played host to the Party Rockers in a matchup for 2024 draft position. The Destroyers have been coming on strong of late, and the momentum kept going for this squad. WR Deebo Samuel (21), the Browns D (21), WR Rashee Rice (23) and TE David “Practical” Njoku (26) all had standout days late in the season, perhaps showcasing their talents to other owners around the league. The Party Rockers had a party foul, starting the absent Tyreek Hill, but QB Patrick Mahomes (18), RB Rachaad White (21) and TE Sam LaPorta (28) all had strong showings. The end result was a 142-118 victory, shuffling the draft order ever so slightly as both franchises look to next year with a longing gaze.

Albany could do nothing but win out of spite as they travelled to God’s Country, already basking in the glow of a playoff berth. QB Lamar Jackson (18) continued to be his less-than-stellar fantasy self and TE Trey McBride (18) tried to carry the team, but this is a squad that has already checked out for winter break. For the Todd Squad, RB Raheem Mostert (18) and RB Devin Singletary (20) led a strong rushing attack that let the rest of the team cruise to an easy win, leaving the playoff seeding decision out of their hands as they rest up for their assault on the crown. Give this one to God’s Country, 110-88.

Across town, Two Duncan Donuts hoped to play spoiler against Franco’s Italian Army. Bijan Robinson had another woeful outing, but QB Russell Wilson (18) and WR Curtis Samuel (21) saved some face and made the Francophiles work for it. The Guido Garrison, spearheaded by QB Jalen Hurts (23), RB Ty Chandler (24) and a strong Dolphins D (34), reminded everyone why they should have top spot in the Keenan as they bruised their way to a 126-102 victory, forcing 2DD to eat cannolis instead as their fried dessert of choice for the next week. With that victory, FIA claims the division and is awarded the first Duke Of Sealand Cup of 2023, relegating God’s Country to the wildcard.

Over in the Wayne, BlahBlahBlah and Council of Steel faced off in our final inter-familial duel for bragging rights this year. With the Stehle family honor on the line, the B’s came out swinging and never let their foot off the gas. 15 from WR Mike Evans, 18 from the Jags D and 20 from WR Amari Cooper is impressive, but how about 41 from RB Christian McCaffery? The Council tried to catch up with 25 from WR Cooper Kupp and 14 from WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba, but it just wasn’t enough as the B’s crush, 125-95. I don’t know about you, but I know someone who should be getting some nice stocking stuffers this year.

Meanwhile, the already safe Nerd Herd played host to scorned NoKe, who were eager to remind everyone that while they may not be in the running this year, they are still the only multi-time NHL champion in the current era. 24 points each from RB Kyren Williams and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown coupled with 28 points each from QB Jared Goff and WR Jaylen Waddle is a pretty handy way to do just that. Suffering a 99-point deficit from the early going, the Herd threw up a token effort of 24 from QB Brock Purdy before deciding to save their energy for next week, with no other player scoring more than 10. Despite their loss, the Herd move on, but NoKe gets to claim at least one piece of hardware this year - The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 83-point victory, 162-79.

As one other NHL owner pointed out earlier this week on Y? (the popular microblogging site formerly known as Twaddle), our final matchup saw what was perhaps collusion, but at best sandbagging. All You Need Is Love faced Knute Rockme at home in a contest between two old friends, one safe, the other already plotting strategy for next year. Surely some eyebrows would be raised in such a situation where the disadvantaged team would bench players like CeeDee Lamb, Jahmyr Gibbs and Zack Moss? Perhaps to little surprise, the Lovers fielded only one strong outing from TE Isaiah Likely (18) as they put up an effort that earns at least honorable mention for a Travis Bickell Memorial “Taxi Squad” Award. With the way mostly cleared, Knute Rockme also went with the “rest for next week” strategy, with TE Hunter Henry (19), Joe Mixon, and the 49er D doing enough to propel this squad to a too-close-for-comfort victory, 89-86. It’s the belief of this writer that the Rockme boys knew nothing of any chicanery, so it’s with a clear conscience that they claim the Wayne Division and hoist their own Duke of Sealand Cup.

Well folks, it’s all settled. Next week, top contender Franco’s Italian Army faces off against the visiting Nerd Herd, while Knute Rockme hosts God’s Country in a matchup to see which franchise can better execute year two of their bounceback plan. Everybody else is milling around to see what’s going to happen and who’s going to get the biggest, shiniest Christmas present next weekend. In the meantime, I’ll be tucking in to some eggnog and deer jerky while I wait for the big jolly fellow to squeeze down my heat pump vent.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider 

With the tinsel scattered around the house, the Christmas tree already in the burn pile outside, and the annual refresh to the light strings nailed to the side of my trailer already complete, I can safely say that Christmas 2023 was a success up here in rural Sask. Canadian Santa came to visit and brought me a load of fun goodies like a new pair of coveralls, a new toque to keep my bald spot covered, and four bottles of Stop-Leak Instant Gasket for my old Yamaha sled. The eggnog ran out quickly but thankfully Aunt Mabel brought over some of last year’s batch of mulberry wine to wash down the roast elk that Cousin Ricky successfully “hunted” by hitting it with his truck last week. The nieces and nephews even got in on the traditional holiday spirit, after their ball hockey game in the street (they all got new junior sticks) turned into a line brawl between the kids on Grandpa Tony’s side and the in-laws from Winnipeg. Maybe next year we’ll limit the kids under 12 to two beers after dinner – after all, Kokanee is a fighting brew. With everyone discharged from hospital and safely on their way back home, the presents put away, and mess cleaned up, I can get back to my day job and get down to the brass tacks of the NHL as we march towards the Big Game At The End.

Of course, before we talk about Jim Mora’s favorite topic, we need to go over our end-of-season tourney, the annual Dash For Cash. The eight eliminated teams are in a two-week battle for a little late holiday pocket money, and after this week’s action, are ranked out below…

#8 – Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking – 77 points. Thankfully for the Party Rockers, this is an exhibition matchup, otherwise it might have been the worst drubbing in NHL history. RB Rachaad White (18), WR Tyreek Hill (18) and QB Patrick Mahomes (16) avoided getting coal in their stockings, but that’s all that was there on the big morning for the rest of this lineup.

#7 – Council of Steel – 101 points. QB Baker Mayfield (20), RB Ezekiel Elliott (20) and the Steeler D (18) were nice highlights, but some Grinch came and stole all of K Will Lutz’s points! Lots of catching up to do next week for this squad.

#6 – Destroyers – 109 points. QB Matthew Stafford (22) is doing a Ghost of Christmas Past impersonation, reverting to 2018 form, while TE David Njoku found 16 points under the tree. This otherwise competent lineup is a victim of the statisticians this week, falling behind…

#5 – Albany Empire Reborn – 109 points (on 2nd tiebreaker) …these guys. Albany had a worse-than-pedestrian game, with a majority of production left to ride the pine. Thank god for QB Lamar Jackson (22) keeping them relevant, and Santa needing the whole sleigh to bring all 42 of RB Breece Hall’s points. With 109 each and 4 total TD’s each, Breece’s high single score gives Albany the lead on tiebreak.

#4 – All You Need Is Love – 115 points. After getting done with Will Lutz, the Grinch popped across the scoring table and stole all the points from the Lover’s Courtland Sutton. The Lovers were still simply having a wonderful Christmas time, thanks to 24 each from RB Jahmyr Gibbs and WR CeeDee Lamb and 17 from the Eagles D.

#3 – NoKe – 120 points. TE Pat Friermuth’s flight got delayed and he missed the big day, but WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (28), WR Justin Jefferson (27) and the Chiefs D (19) more than made up for it with their presence and presents.

#2 – Two Duncan Donuts – 123 points. Big crowd at the Duncan Dinner, with WR Brandon Aiyuk (17), QB Russel Wilson (18), RB Bijan Robinson (19) and the Ravens D (27) all crowding around the table for a slice of roast, a turkey leg, and carols aplenty.

#1 – BlahBlahBlah – 190 points. Perhaps looking to defend 2022’s Financial Oversight Award, the B’s must have done some serious Black Friday shopping this year, as they showed up with box after box of goodies. TE Evan Engram (17) would have been the centerpiece of most mornings under the tree, but it was a mere stocking stuffer compared to the likes of QB Justin Fields (24), RB Christian McCaffery (24) and WR Mike Evans (27). And just when you thought it was all over and everyone was dozing off after dinner, WR Amari Cooper came busting in the front door, dragging 51 points behind him, wrapped up with the big bow from the Lexus commercials. Pacing almost everyone by 70 points or more, the B’s take a commanding lead in the Dash For Cash.

Back in Sunday primetime, the defending champions Franco’s Italian Army played host to the surging Nerd Herd. The Francophiles fell behind early under the leadership of WR Garrett Wilson (16), but came back strong, first with a great 26-point effort from WR Calvin Ridley before QB Jalen Hurts finished the 1-2 punch with 24 more points of his own. The reigning champs were strong, but the Herd started thundering at just the right time a few weeks ago and showed no signs of stopping. Quarterback Brock wasn’t looking too Purdy on the back of his 4-pick day, but his efforts combined with 17 apiece from K Jake Elliott and WR Devonta Smith backed up 19 points from RB Derrick Henry, 22 from the Buccaneers D, and 32 points from WR Puka Nacua. Their efforts combined to propel Nerd Herd to a 147-121 victory, knocking off the champions and ensuring that 2023 will see a first-time champion crowned in the NHL, as the Herd advance to The Big Game At The End.

On Monday night, Wayne champs Knute Rockme played host to wildcard God’s Country. The Rockme boys had plenty of 10’s on the board, but they sorely could have used a few 20’s instead. QB Dak Prescott had 18 points, while WR DK Metcalf posted 15 in the two outings that were best efforts at the final calling. God’s Country, meanwhile, showed why they spent a good portion of the year on top of the league standings. Plenty of players brought nice Christmas gifts back home, as the Todd Squad opened up 16 from K Justin Tucker, 18 from the Falcons D, 19 from TE George Kittle, and 25 from QB Josh Allen being the highlight of the day. GC takes the victory, 128-86, in a matchup between two teams that were highlighted last year as rising dynasties by yours truly – hindsight is 20/20, but foresight is 100% too. God’s Country advances to The Big Game At The End and looks to take the hardware back home to the promised land.

Well folks, our matchups are decided. As an undercard taster next week, we get to see if BlahBlahBlah can continue to dominate and be best of the rest to defend their intermediate title. In the bronze medal match, Knute Rockme hosts Franco’s Italian Army. Finally, in The Big Game At The End, God’s Country and Nerd Herd face off in the ScotiaBank Saddledome to see who captures the glory, and takes ownership of The Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year Award. What a way to close out 2023…I can’t wait. Be there, be there, be there…I’ll sell you the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge!

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well boys and girls, it’s about that time. Seventeen weeks of frenetic gameplay have culminated in the close to our 2023 season, and what a season it was. It almost felt like a dose of normality – no freak illnesses, no once-in-a-generation weather events, just refs blowing calls and old retreads trotted out to kick and play quarterback. Yes, Cousin Ricky did catch moose pox, but other than that, just some honest NHL action. Owners and teams all awaited the final results with bated breath, and I had such a hard time breathing I decided to dust off some old scuba gear I had laying around to get some extra oxygen in me. That gave me an idea or two, and two jars of Autie Mabel’s hooch later I woke up against a wall outside the Miami airport with my dive fins thrown over my shoulder. I at least waited until the middle of the week to do it (I think) because I have a distinct memory of each game. Clearly, this didn’t amuse the league, as some Dog The Bounty Hunter knockoff kicked in the door to my room at the Hotel No-Tell, pointed a can of bear spray at me, and mumbled some incoherent Floridian gibberish that I interpreted as “Well, writer boy? Is it warm enough here for ya?” So without any further stalling (he’s still in the room with me, send help), here’s what I nearly forgot happened in the final week of NHL action.

Starting things off with the annual Dash For Cash (powered by “Y” microblogging), we didn’t have much movement this week. Here’s how things shook out –

8th – 204 pts, Ukelele Apology Video For Party Rocking. Following last week’s disaster, the Party Rockers saved some face with the guests that didn’t immediately bail out by adding 127. RB Travis Etienne (25), the Packers D (19) and WR Terry McLaurin (16) still kept the mood light for a few more hours before everyone still went home early.

7th – 205 pts, Council Of Steel. Clinging to their spot from last week by a single point, the Council suffered a down week to close out the season, adding just 104. WR D.J. Moore (30) was impressive, and QB Baker Mayfield (17) was on pace to do some more damage before he became damaged himself. Tough way to close it out, but hey, not last.

6th – 223 pts, Destroyers. Finding an additional 114 was good, but just not good enough to climb the rankings. The Emari Demercado gamble did not pay off, but good production across the board from the Browns (21), WR Deebo Samuel (17), WR Rashee Rice (17) and TE David Njoku (17).

5th – 235 pts, Albany Empire Reborn. Adding 126 in a strong effort, Albany definitely left some points behind at the QB position, a recurring theme for the year. Running backs Breece Hall (27) and De’von Achane (23) carried the load instead with a decent outing to end the year.

4th – 238 pts, NoKe. NoKe proves you can not play a kicker and still get 118. The Chiefs (16), WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (22), and RB Kyren Williams (29) were all good contenders in this effort with injuries robbing us of a full Alvin Kamara day. Don’t mind that other healthy kicker on the bench, he was only worth one point.

3rd – 246 pts, Two Duncan Donuts. 123 last week and 123 this week, it’s déjà vu all over again. A pair of 24-point games from WR Brandon Aiyuk and the Ravens D match nicely with 19 points from QB Tyrod Taylor (yes, he’s back). Another nice game to end the year.

2nd – 277 pts, All You Need Is Love. By netting 162 this week, the Lovers become the big movers and shakers in the DfC. 18 from TE Isiah Likely, 20 from QB Kyler Murray, 24 from K Harrison Butker and 29 from RB Isiah Pacheco are all fine and dandy, but how about 39 from WR CeeDee Lamb? This team may have been bemoaning the gap they had to make up this week, but by God did they leave it all on the field. A great way to close out the season for the Lovers.

1st – 309, BlahBlahBlah. Perhaps to no one’s surprise, the B’s just had to stack 119 to maintain the massive lead they built last week. With no Amari Cooper and the perhaps overworked bell cow Christian McCaffery finally giving out in the final game, it was up to RB Tyler Algier (15), QB Justin Fields (24), and the Bills D (27) to give BlahBlahBlah the edge, and defend their Dash For Cash crown. My hearty congratulations to the franchise – maybe they spend that little extra cash in free agency to win the big trophy next year instead?

With the rest of the riffraff cleared out of the way and the crowd warmed up, Knute Rockme and Franco’s Italian Army came out of the tunnel for the bronze medal match. Both of these owners may have become accustomed to watching one-sided drubbings as fans of their respective teams for many years, but neither expected the script to be flipped in this one. Tumescent with Detroit pride, it was the Rockme boys that jumped out to an early lead and never relinquished it, riding the efforts of the 49er D (17), RB Joe Mixon (18) and QB Dak Prescott (19). WR Davante Adams turned in a career day to boot, grabbing 13 balls for two scores and 126 yards to notch 37 points, serving as the dagger. The Francophiles could only muster notable achievements from QB Jalen Hurts (17) and RB Zamir White (15) in weak response, surprising all in attendance. While Steeler fans might not be used to being on the receiving end of such a shellacking, playoff disappointment is certainly a familiar feeling of late – hey, at least FIA had a winning record so we know the head coaching job is safe…again. Knute Rockme takes home bragging rights and a step on the podium, 149-88.

The lights dimmed. The fog machines kicked into overdrive. The dramatic music swelled. The pyro fired off, and two squadrons of gladiators entered the arena to do battle in The Big Game At The End. On one sideline, a stalwart of the league, looking to shed the memories of the early days and finally bring sunny days back home to God’s Country. The other, once an outsider, looking to bring legitimacy to the concept of an expansion franchise in the league, prove that statistics really do win championships, and give Herds of Nerds everywhere a rallying cry. The two foes immediately dug their foxholes and drew their lines in the sand, with neither giving quarter or willing to advance, in a contest that looked like a cross between World War I trench warfare and an AFC North game from 2004. God’s Country opened up with 18 from QB Josh Allen, but with Devin Singletary and Jakobi Myers being the only other players to reach double digits, perhaps the Todd Squad was a little too conservative, as their efforts would have been worthy of a Taxi Squad Award had it come in the regular season. The Nerd Herd ground it out with David Montgomery and Tyler Higbee, but it was the pair of 17-point outings from QB Brock Purdy and WR Puka Nacua that gave the Herd just enough oomph to push things over the edge. At the final bell, it was the Nerd Herd who slogged their way to victory 84-73, putting the cherry on top of an extremely hard-fought season as the players hoisted The Commissioner’s Championship Trophy Award For The Best Team This Year.

As you may have already heard, I got a bit of an early start on my postseason plans. While my inebriated escapades may have inadvertently landed me in points further afield then I had previously intended, once I got here I thought I may as well lean into it. Now that my burden has been lifted and my shackles released, I think I’ll drink tropical beverages out of a pineapple on the beach for a few days before meeting the champs at Disney World when they get here. That is, of course, unless the INS gets wind of me and banishes me back to the permafrost again. The scary man in my hotel room wearing what looks like paintball gear seems happy with the length of my column, so I think he’s going to leave me here for a few days to soak up some sun. Thankfully, there’s plenty of trailer parks dotted all throughout the Keys so I feel right at home. Besides, who wants to go back to snow and doing weekly coverage of regional curling? Not this guy. No, I think I’ll stay for as long as I can before booking my ticket home. However long I manage to get away with it, you can rest assured that I’ll see you back here come September, because as nice as this is, there’s nowhere I’d rather be than at my dinette, lovingly discussing this league for these people. Besides, as comfortable as I can be in the offseason, there’s no place like home.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider