2022

Well, I could open up the year with a pithy quotation of my own doing. Yet, on Monday night in a postgame interview, it was quarterback Geno Smith that took the words right out of my mouth, when he was asked what he had to say to all the people who had written him off. His response? “They wrote me off, but I ain’t write back though.” That’s right NHL fans, despite public sentiment, I have returned under contract for yet another year of NHL fantasy football coverage. I had a restful spring and summer, mostly spent fixing and replacing the copper pipes my cousin ripped out of the wall of the NHL’s satellite office here in Regina. Still haven’t fixed the heater in my double-wide, but that’s a problem for November Atom Shuffler.

With the start of a new season comes a draft, and this year, a new ownership group comes into the fold. The Kale Kings franchise was subject to hostile takeover by its creditors from the Namibian royal family, and not wanting to own a middling fantasy football operation, the team was sold off to new owners and rebranded as 2 Duncan Donuts just weeks before the draft. There were, of course, the requisite annual rebrandings from GM’s Will and Laine (who has rebranded both the team and the individual who owns it), as well as some others that we’ll cover later. With the draft, of course, comes draft coverage, something I’ve been criticized by the head honchos at the BSPN office before for not doing more thoroughly. No change this year, just to stick a middle finger up to the man, but there are a few things worth mentioning. The most intriguing draft strategy this year belonged to GM Todd and God’s Country, which went for the TE spot early despite holding over George Kittle from last season. Adding Kyle Pitts in the 2nd round and Noah Fant in the 13th makes them the only team to roster 3 tight ends, with two top-5 high caliber starters at the position. Was this to try and generate production from a 2-TE starting core, or just a maneuver to keep Kyle Pitts from falling into enemy hands? No one knows for sure, but it could turn out to be quite the savvy move. Lots of great value picks came off the board in the last round as well, with WRs DJ Chark and Mecole Hardman, RBs Jamaal Williams and Jerrick McKinnon, and QB Tua Tagovailoa coming off the board in the final round. Other value picks of guys slipping down the board were WR Hunter Renfrow going to the aforementioned Donuts in the 7th, NoKe’s steal of WR DeAndre Hopkins in the same round, and BlahBlahBlah sneaking in at the end of the round and nabbing WR Devonta Smith. With good value picks, however, come some questionable ones. Something that caught more than a few eyes was the Donuts’ 4th round choice of TE Dalton Shultz, but it wasn’t as egregious as the winner of the year’s first piece of hardware. We may have already given this team kudos for their smart 7th round maneuver, but nothing elicited reactions of shock on draft night the way their prior pick in the 6th did, as BlahBlahBlah reached to the moon to take kicker Chris Boswell at the end of the round. Notable players drafted AFTER the kicker include Hunter Renfrow, Aaron Rodgers, Kareem Hunt, Melvin Gordon, Joe Burrow, Chase Claypool and Christian Kirk. The 14th ranked kicker from 2021 was also the first off the board at the position, so the committee found it greatly in the spirit of the original award to bestow BlahBlahBlah with the Grant Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award, so named for that person’s decision to take a very average K Chandler Catanzaro with the 3rd overall pick back in 2014. A bit sad to see this team take the award for two years on the trot, but hey, some things just write themselves.

With that out of the way, we had 6 juicy matchups to take a look at this week. Week 1 was all division games, so let’s start with the Wayne. Our kickoff game saw two franchises looking to rebound this season, with Knute Rockme playing Council of Steel in their home opener. Team Rockme came into town with a potent air attack, QB Lamar Jackson bolstering his 18-point outing with two pairs of excellent hands in WRs Amon-Ra St. Brown (20) and A.J. Brown (25). One-time Mr. Irrelevant, Ryan Succop, added 14 from the kicker spot, not a number to sneeze at either. The Council had to shine up the Steel for their home crowd, and it was WR Cooper Kupp’s 31 points and TE Travis Kelce’s 26 that really led the way for their squad. They might not be the Steel Curtain, but 25 from the Dolphins D isn’t too shabby either. Give this one to the Council, 134-113.

Next up, we had BlahBlahBlah hosting NoKe (no sponsor, yet) in their opening contest. Looking to silence the doubters after their mixed draft, the B’s leaned on franchise anchor RB Christian McCaffery, who delivered 16 points to compliment 22 from new QB Justin Herbert. With another 20 from the Bucs D, BBB was putting up a solid fight, but had a stumble when draft steal WR Devonta Smith hung a goose egg on the board. That was all the opening NoKe needed, as RB Javonte Williams posted 19 and QB Jaylen Hurts scored 27, before WR Justin Jefferson burned up the scoresheets with 39 on a career day. This also gave the team its first piece of hardware for the season, the “You Got Rocked Award” for a high single game score by an individual player. NoKe wins this one comfortably, 123-104, but they have some questions to answer before Week 2 as RB Elijah Mitchell went down with an injury.

Finishing in the Wayne and keeping in the theme of handing out hardware, we had Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child playing host to the (mercifully for me) renamed Nerd Herd. The former Team 843 proved they were still all about the numbers and scored some big ones, with 18 from WR Gabe Davis, 27 from RB Jonathan Taylor, 31 from RB Saquon Barkley and 30 from QB Josh Allen. MRLC got left for dust and was never able to threaten, despite 19 each from QB Kirk Cousins and RB Antonio Gibson and 26 from RB Dandre Swift. This game was over as soon as it started, meaning the Herd takes home both the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” award for their 168-point performance as well as the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 59-point margin of victory. This, of course, means that MRLC takes home the dubious honor of the Soda Can Award for their crushing defeat. Nerds win this one, 168-109.

Moving over to the Keenan, we also move from a team that has rebranded with a much simpler identity to one that is MUCH more convoluted. Two Duncan Donuts had their home opener against….uhh, let me check my notes here…the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification North American Representative. Hoo boy, that’s a mouthful. Thankfully, it was pointed out to me by GM Laine that that’s the official name for what we colloquially know as the Moonies, so that’s probably what I’ll be calling them all year so I don’t get carpal tunnel. So, the Moonies at the….black donut Holes? It’s a stretch. This one was actually a great matchup, coming down to the wire. The Moonies prepped for spaceflight with WRs Mike Evans and Jaylen Waddle putting up 18 and 16 respectively, before franchise centerpiece QB Patrick Mahomes shot them into orbit with 31. With the bar set not quite sky-high, it was up to 2DD to respond, starting with 15 from RB Nick Chubb and 21 from RB Joe Mixon. When WR Michael Pittman added 27, it was just enough to get them over the edge, as the Donuts prevail in their debut matchup 113-108.

Another one that came down to the wire, next we’re taking a look at the Destroyers on the road against the freshly renamed Koo Fighters. The Koo Fighters looked to their unofficial team mascot and namesake K Younghoe Koo for inspiration, but when he’s your second-highest scoring player with 18 your team has some problems. Duds from QB Aaron Rodgers and TE Mike Gesicki could only be salvaged with 32 from a staunch Steeler D, but the door was wide open for the Destroyers. Perhaps not totally rising to the occasion, WRs Jamarr Chase (28) and Stefon Diggs (26) gave the Destroyers a one point lead heading into Monday night. KF left it all on the shoulders of DK, and Mr. Metcalf did eventually squirt out 8 points, enough for the Koo Fighters to win their home opener 116-109.

Our final matchup of the week saw MagicMikeIII playing host to God’s Country. The victim of some past misfortunes, mostly playing with shorthanded lineups, God’s Country picked up right where they left off, as RB JK Dobbins is still undergoing ACL repairs and couldn’t take the field, leaving the Todd Squad with just 8 starters. They certainly all pulled their weight, anchored by 20 from QB “Danger” Russ Wilson, 24 from the Bills D, and a very characteristic 30 from WR Davante Adams in his new home. Magic Mike had very respectable hurdle to clear, but instead of leaping over the bar, they tripped and faceplanted straight into it. With naught but the defense eclipsing 15, this squad is starting the season off on the wrong foot wearing improper shoes to boot. WR Tyreek Hill’s 15 may be the only redeeming thing on this scoresheet, but it gets worse when you notice two benches outscored MM’s 9 starters (who lost playing a team a man down), and even worse when you realize that K Rodrigo Blankenship is out on his rear on the NFL free agent market. God’s Country prevails, 114-81, and MagicMike becomes the less than proud owner of The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (still confusingly presented by Hefty™ brand garbage bags) for their woeful efforts.

With Week One in the books, my writing fingers are tingling in anticipation at the thought of 13 more regular season matchups and our two playoff rounds to come. To all those owners who took home hardware, don’t get too comfy polishing up your laurels (or crying over them, as the case may be). It’s the first week, so some of those are defaults and will be quickly moving on to new homes. How many teams will remain an undefeated 2-0 next week? Who will be despairing at their 0-2 start or their critically injured star? Will NoKe pick up another sponsorship this season, and will it be by a player, corporation, or NFT market? Only time will tell. See you in a week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Here in Canada, while it’s not often mentioned, we pride ourself on being a Commonwealth nation. A country with strong ties to our own roots, we also derive many aspects of our culture from other countries that share our similar founding, breaking away from British rule to form our own nation but still cognizant that we started our life as an English dependency. As time went on, of course we did our own thing, but we never forgot our sister countries, and we brought various aspects of their culture and lifestyle back to our homeland. This week, we laid to rest one of the great leaders and cultural icons that drastically shaped our lives for decades. This person started wars, led many Canadians and others through peacetime, starred in films and wrote books, and inspired many others to be like them. A significant portion of our society lost a great individual this week, and many travelled from far and wide, across thousands of miles and even across borders, to be a part of a celebration of life at this person’s final resting place. I am, of course, speaking about the death of the legendary Sonny Barger, a founding member of the Hell’s Angels, and a key cultural icon that was a beacon to the thousands of Canadian outlaw bikers that still ride across our lands today. Also, I heard something on the news about the Queen dying, so there’s that too. (note from the editor: this sounds like a joke, but look up the Quebec Biker Wars. Serious business. -W.)

Week 2 saw another round of fierce divisional matchups, and since we started in the Wayne last week, let’s look at the Keenan division first. Our first matchup saw 2 Duncan Donuts hosting the perpetually jersey-tossing MagicMikeIII in a tale of two very different teams. Despite being only two weeks in to the season, 2DD is already battered and bruised, with only 7 starters able to take the field in this matchup. RB Nick Chubb tried to put the team on his back with a 31-point effort, but it was to no avail as the Double D’s found themselves outmanned and outgunned. RB Austin Ekeler and WR Jakobi Myers put up good numbers for the shirtless wonders, but it was all about Tyreek The Freak Hill, who scorched his way to a 42-point day for Magic Mike and the boys – where we’re going, we don’t need clothes. MM3 beats 2DD, 144-103. Nice rhyme, when you say it out loud.

Two 0-1 teams enter, one 1-1 team leaves. In our closest matchup of the week, the Destroyers go on the road to take on the…Moonies. I’m calling them the Moonies and I’m sticking with it. Yes, RB Ezekiel Elliott had -4 receiving yards, but that wasn’t going to stop the Destroyers, led by QB Kyler Murray with 25 and a blistering 44-point performance from WR Stephon Diggs. Not to be outdone, the Moonies responded with 31 from RB Aaron Jones in a dominant performance, and 40 on a career day for WR Jaylen Waddle. In the end, the Moonies pick up a win, 149-139, but WR Mike Evans also picks up a suspension for his role in a sideline donnybrook. It wasn’t all tears for the 0-2 Destroyers, either – Diggs’ aforementioned 44 means they take ownership of the “You Got Rocked” Award for best player score.

On the other side of the battle for Holden family supremacy, the Todd Squad of God’s Country looked to make it a family clean sweep against the Koo Fighters in their home opener. Unlike our previous matchup, this was not a high-octane scorefest, but rather a battle to see who could make the least bad personnel decisions. Both teams managed to start a player that scored a goose egg (RB Isiah Pacheo for GC, with just 6 yards, and TE Albert Okwegbunam for KF, who dropped both of his 2 targets). With both teams floundering, it was finally WR Tee Higgins for God’s Country who delivered some points with 18, before the Bills D arrived late Monday night with an additional 29 who helped them win in convincing fashion. God’s Country improves to 2-0 with this 92-77 victory, and the Koo Fighters become the ignominious owner of the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for their pathetic efforts – that 66% efficiency rating is in the running for worst of the year, too. What is that front office doing?

Looking to the Wayne now, we start off with longtime friends Knute Rockme and Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child doing battle. These GM’s might get together and drink beer on the weekends, but in fantasy football there is no love lost and no quarter given. This was proven as both teams came out swinging for the fences, starting with MRLC QB Carson Wentz posting 24 and TE Mark Andrews adding another 25 of his own. Team Rockme responded in kind, counterpunching with 39 from QB Lamar Jackson and another 38 from WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, a devastating combo. 19 each from Rockme’s RB Tony Pollard and WR Tyler Lockett were the knockout blows, as Rockme takes this one, 160-130.

Next up, let’s take a peek at the inter-house Stehle family rivalry, as Council of Steel makes the very short trip to face BlahBlahBlah at home (well, they share the venue). The Council just couldn’t put it together this week, and while WR Cooper Kupp posted 31, QB Trey Lance is broken, RB Rashaad Penny was virtually absent, and the Dolphins D hurt the cause with a score of -2, meaning that CJS takes home drawA “nataS liaH” ehT for spinning the team record backwards. The B’s, on the other hand, had consistent performances across the board, with 16 from RB Damien Harris, 23 from QB Justin Herbert, and the Bucs D anchoring the whole operation with 33 points. BlahBlahBlah is victorious, 141-87, in this one-sided beatdown. Guess we know who’s doing the dishes this week.

Finally, in our primetime matchup, it’s the Nerd Herd taking on defending champs NoKe at home. The Nerds crunched the numbers before gametime and deduced that they needed to post big ones, but efficiency was key and they needed to spread out the load. With only QB Josh Allen standing out with 28, the Herd got solid performances from WR Rashod Bateman, TE Darren Waller and the Denver D to inflate their final score. NoKe looked strong with an early 32-point performance from QB Jaylen Hurts, but when your tight end drops his only target and doesn’t score, and your running back corps is in danger of being outscored by either kicker, it doesn’t take a room full of mathematicians to tell you your strategy is flawed. The Herd gets the W here, 134-111.

What is going on here? It might be called the National “Holley” League, but we’ve got two Holdens at the top of one division and Mr.’s Barnes and Kilcullen on top of the other, with the league’s family namesakes all in the bottom half. To further drive the point home, long-suffering NHL GM’s Todd and Mark are currently in the top 3, and don’t look now, but God’s Country is defending one of only 2 undefeated records in the NHL at the moment. Have I entered Loopy Land, or did I just drink too much of Aunt Mabel’s bathtub gin again? I’m knocking on every maple tree I can get my hands on, and I can’t wait to see where Week 3 takes us.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

No pithy theme this week. No thinly veiled commentary on current events. No, this week I’m falling back on our reinvigorated partnership with a sponsor and leaning in to the growing trend of statistical analysis that has tightened its claws on sports and fantasy as a whole. I spent hours poring over data from this week’s matchups that was given to some fancy blinking whirligig machines belonging to the folks over at Scamazon after being fed through what they call “Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics,” something which they claim is good for your company but also somehow can be used to tell you who’s good at sportsball. Thankfully the kind folks over there were able to get it all printed out for me on dot-matrix sheets that I picked up from the post office which also does our local Western Unions – they tried to send it to me in the computer but I just got this lap top computer this year, it’s my first one and I don’t have the emails yet…I can barely figure out how to get these columns to the league office every week. The data told me an interesting story, one of yin and yang, of luck and moxie versus skill and strategy, of a league that has two very different sides. On one hand, we have the Wayne Division, a group of 6 high-power offenses that light up the sheets every week and spare no quarter on the field of battle. On the other, we have the Keenan Division, a division led through what I can only assume is divine fortitude by the two lowest-scoring teams in the league. How, you may ask? Well, while they may have the two lowest point totals of the year, they’ve also faced the weakest competition, with average points for of just 101.7, and an astounding 82.3 against. Turns out that when you face 80-some points per game, you can average 102 and be undefeated, and that is exactly what’s happening in the NHL.

Without wasting any more of your time, let’s start out another divisional week with the aforementioned full-fat Wayne Division. First, we’re taking a look at BlahBlahBlah hosting the Nerd Herd. They might have glasses and pocket protectors, but those suspenders on the Herd aren’t just for show. WR Marquise Brown did some heavy lifting with 28, and QB Josh Allen wasn’t far behind with 25. RB Saquon Barkley and the Denver defense added 22 apiece, making this squad a spreadsheet-breaker. Not to be outdone, BBB responded with 31 from WR Devonta Smith and 18 from QB Ryan Tannehill, but all the smack talk out of the gate early Sunday morning proved to be just that – talk. The Nerds cruised from the back office all the way out the front door and preserve their 3-0 unbeaten record, 130-118.

Next up, we’ve got the Destroyers on the road against 2 Duncan Donuts. Double D started out strong with 18 from WR Adam Thielen and 17 from RB Nick Chubb, and the sprinkle on top was 15 from WR Michael Pittman. The hole in the center got a little big this week, however, as TE Evan Engram could only add 3 and RB Joe Mixon went down with an injury. Sensing an opening, the Destroyers relied heavily on their Cleveland performers, with 23 each from WR Amari Cooper and TE David Njoku. 19 from the 49 D/ST added a nice bonus, as the Destroyers took a bite out of the Donuts, 132-99.

Finishing off the Wayne, defending champs NoKe did battle with Knute Rockme. Both teams scored very highly on their Coach Efficiency Ratings (I must remind you, contractually, that those are powered by Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics), but it was a tale of two very different teams. For the defending champs, QB Jalen Hurts (28) and the Bengals (23) were the bookend high scores, but everything in the middle was just…painful. I bet it “Hurts” (get it?). Knute’s Namesakes, though, were Rockin’ out, led by frontman QB Lamar Jackson (36), guitarist RB Derrick Henry (24), bassist WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (19, and a good old-school British rockband name too) and the Cleveland Browns Choir and Backup Dancers Defensive Group (19). The Rockme boys smash a guitar on the champs’ heads, 152-104.

Now then, the Wayne. With no GM doing better than an 84% rating and most in the 70’s, these three matchups were more about who lost less than about who wanted to win more. Our most normal game there this week saw Council Of Steel playing host to Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. The Love Children on the road jumped out to an early lead and stayed there, mainly relying on the 28 points from TE Mark Andrews and 19 from QB Kirk Cousins. A late addition of 17 from WR Courtland Sutton sealed the deal for MRLC. The Council had more questions than answers, as is typical of a corporate boardroom, but they’ll have some more after this week as both QB Tua Tagovailoa and RB David Montgomery picked up injury tags in their games. 19 from WR Christian Kirk and 17 from TE Travis Kelce were some bright points to keep sprits up (as was 10 from K Daniel Carlson, we love a double-digit kicker score here), but this team has some work to do as they fall 125-100.

In another familial matchup, we saw the semi-annual Holden Bowl go down as God’s Country hosted the Moonies. As evidenced by the team logos, clearly both of these owners have excellent taste in stylish and/or avant-garde headwear, but perhaps not so much when it comes to scoring fantasy football points. While both teams had a 20-point scorer (QB Derek Carr for GC and RB James Robinson for, uhh, FFfWPaUNAR), that was the zenith of scoring in this one. While the Moonies did also turn in good performance from QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Dionte Johnson, the rest of the team was flat-out woeful, and while not shocking the world with any scoring records, the quiet consistency from God’s Country (mostly WR Davante Adams and WR Tee Higgins) means they take the family bragging rights, 101-90, and preserve both their unbeaten record and lead on the Keenan.

In our final matchup of the week, our primetime game mirrored that of the NFL in Week 3 – a slow-burning snoozefest between two teams who didn’t look like they wanted to be there that eventually turned into a last-minute, down to the wire thriller. MagicMikeIII welcomed the Koo Fighters to town as both teams looked to break .500 on the national broadcast. Yes, the highest scoring player may have been the 18-point Rams defense, but this was arguably the best game of the week. Reading KF’s box score might have been like reading the menu at a Scottish restaurant – not much on it and nothing you want – but it was enough to get them over the 100-point fantasy Mendoza line as they nursed an 11-point lead into Monday night. With naught but WR Sterling Shepard to guide them to victory, Dirty Mike and The Boys were confident of an assured victory. However, it was Shepard’s ACL that put a damper on things, and the Koo Fighters steal a victory, 104-102. (The difference in this game? 2 points. The kicker scorelines? KF’s Koo 12, MM3’s Folk 10. Dynasties are built on kickers, folks. Scamazon’s numbers don’t lie.)

With another intriguing week in the books, we all patiently await what wonders are in store for us in Week 4. It’s another divisional week coming up, so will the Keenan teams finally find high gear and shatter the scoring records? Will the Wayne teams cool off, or keep their high-octane offenses firing on all cylinders? What will front offices do to address the rash of injuries that plagued the league this week? Who will get voted off the island this week on the…*checks notes* holy shit, the 43rd season of Survivor? Watch this space to find out.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Recently, there was an inquest that made waves in our little world. A raft of documents related to the application of the concussion protocol as well as franchises’ possible misuse of the IR tag was recently discovered missing from league offices here in Regina. Officials from the Canadian Fantasy Gaming Board had conducted a routine audit and found the discrepancy, and a full-scale investigation was launched, culminating in a raid on a luxury condo in Whistler, BC earlier last week. Boxes of hastily copied documents were found littered throughout the residence, along with emails and records of conversations pertaining to the sale of that information between the condo’s owner and several GMs, both of the NHL as well as GMs of teams from other leagues. The owner of the condo in question was none other than Raymond “The Ringer” Pryzbelwski, cousin-in-law to recently disgraced FIA official Michael Masi and very distant relative to our own Commissioner Rodger Stern-Bettman. CRS-B’s office released a statement earlier this week, denouncing the findings and distancing himself from Raymond, and requesting the intervention of the Canadian Fantasy Gaming Board to prevent the release of the documents, before then confusingly saying they weren’t that important anyway and he told his secretary that it was ok for anyone to look at them - the day before he accidentally lost them on a skiing trip. Assuming the Mounties don’t come and take me away citing a breach of Canadian censorship laws, this reporter will continue to doggedly pursue the truth, just as long as it doesn’t take me anywhere too cold or more than 4 hours away from my house because I don’t think my truck can handle a trip of more than 500 kilometers.

Another big divisional week in the NHL, and we open up with the Wayne games. Our first matchup between the Nerd Herd on the road against Council of Steel saw one of our other big storylines of the week, namely the fate of possibly doomed CJS QB Tua Tagovailoa. It’s always tough when someone bonks their head, but it’s pretty scary to see someone take a whack to the cranium and then immediately have a full-blown seizure right after. While I’m sure I echo everyone’s sentiments and I hope he can make a speedy recovery, the Nerd Herd are also an analytical bunch and couldn’t pass up the opportunity presented by their now shorthanded opponent – a situation not helped by the absence of RB David Montgomery. QB Josh Allen (23) led the scoring attack for the Herd, paced by RB Jamaal Williams (23). WR Marquise Brown added 20 more points as the Nerds looked to crunch some numbers and pick up an easy win. For the Council, the injuries inspired the other players to pick up the slack and perform for their fallen QB, and just about everyone got into the spirit. TE Travis Kelce had 24, WR Cooper Kupp added 26, and RB Miles Sanders as the lone remaining rusher scored 30 in a banner game for him. All in all, the Council rose to the occasion, and played out from behind the 8 ball to knock off the previously undefeated Nerd Herd, 132-117.

Next up, we had Knute Rockme hosting BlahBlahBlah as both teams looked to secure preferential positions within the division. Team Rockme had some disappointing outings from some of the regular contributors, but got some very good performances from some otherwise surprising places. Lamar and T. Pollard didn’t live up to their usual, but TE T.J. Hockenson scored 39 points in a career day to lead the team in offensive output. RB Derrick Henry had what he would probably consider a pedestrian outing or even an off day, but a bad day for the MegaDread is better than most people’s best as he added 23 on the ground. For the B’s, there was rejoicing, as franchise keystone RB Christian McCaffrey was healthy and productive, scoring 25 much-needed points, and QB Justin Herbert added a nice 23 point compliment in a fine outing. It was too little too late, however, and Knute Rockme comes up with a convincing victory, 143-117, as the B’s fall to 1-3.

Our last game in the division saw the Destroyers travel to face MagicMikeIII as two 1-2 teams battled to improve. Typically, the Destroyers lean on their high-powered offensive weapons to put games away, but this week it was the 49er defense with a strong 31-point Monday night performance that led the squad. QB Kyler Murray (21) once again added his own creative flair, scrambling and improvising his way to another solid performance. On the other side of the ball, Magic Mike brought the pizzaz, the flim-flam, and the showgirl with the feathers, led by a stout rushing attack. RBs Josh Jacobs (34) and Austin Ekeler (33) delivered a pounding ground performance, keeping the defense guessing and allowing space for the aerial attack from QB Tom Brady (26) and WR Tyreek Hill (26) to also shine. MM3 wins this one in dominant fashion, 173-118, as they improve to 2-2 and take home the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for the highest score of the year.

Moving over to the Keenan, the games here had just as much intrigue, but perhaps for different reasons, as the total point differential in the division this week was less than the average for just one Wayne game. To further drive this point home, let’s open things up with the sister-kisser between the Moonies hosting the Koo Fighters. In our closest matchup of the week (and probably the year), the Moonies seemed to have the game in hand as they took a 23-point lead into Monday night. With only WR Deebo Samuel left to turn to, the Koo Fighters threw up a Hail Mary of a prayer, and Deebo provided plenty of points….23 to be exact. Despite the strong performance and an additional 21 from WR DK Metcalf, it was only enough to exactly equal the Moonie’s efforts, led by 30 from WR Mike Evans and 22 from QB Patrick Mahomes. Left with a 117-all final, the Moonies were awarded this victory on tiebreak, and prevent the Koo Fighters from stealing another undeserved victory.

From an exact tie to the relative dominance of a 2-point victory, our next game was Two Duncan Donuts on the road against God’s Country. Another team this week that leaned heavily on old-school football (run it until they get tired and stuff the line on D), 2DD saw great performances from RB Joe Mixon (17), RB Nick Chubb (19), and a stalwart Giants D (24). WR Mike Williams had 19 points of his own as he continued to be a persistent weapon all game. For God’s Country, the opposite was true, as it was all about the passing attack. Led by WR Tee Higgins with 25 points, WR Davante Adams added 19 points of his own with another excellent performance. In the end, God’s Country did just enough to secure the win here, 109-107, and with the loss handed to the Nerd Herd, they now remain as the lone unbeaten in the NHL.

Finally, the primetime game of the week saw NoKe host Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. Much as the team name implies, MRLC had a bit of a quarterback dilemma as the production was just not there. The rushing attack was also rather absent, leaving WRs Chris Olave and Courtland Sutton with twin 16’s and CeeDee Lamb with 21 to provide the bulk of the scoring. Once again matching up with NFL’s primetime game, this one was all about the home team, as NoKe was firing on all cylinders in their own building. WR Justin Jefferson had 30 points in an outstanding performance, the Cardinals D shut it down with 22, and RB Leonard Fournette wasn’t slacking with 18 points. NoKe takes this one, 133-102, and improves to 2-2 in doing so.

Well folks, that’s all I have for you, and it’s actually all I have time for. Texaco Mike who runs the gas station up the road where I buy my cartons of darts and chicken chips just called and told me 4 black Tahoes just rode past, so I can only assume that Canadian intelligence (an oxymoron, I know) is on their way to disappear me into the Yukon for revealing the truth. Time to fire up the airboat I won last week playing cribbage with cousin Ricky and that rancher from Alberta and head for the border. If you have a spare bedroom, please let me know, and if there’s no article next week now you know why. Godspeed to you all.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

One of the bigger stories on the established sports media outlet newswire this week is the continued absence of Giants punter Jamie Gillian, aka the “Scottish Hammer”. Yes, the caber-tossing Highlander, originally hailing from Inverness (once home to a single Michelin-starred restaurant, fun fact), has been stuck in the UK after the Green Bay-NYG London game due to a visa problem. It would appear that he came to Yankland initially on his father’s NATO visa, and when he became a pro football player, he never obtained a work visa, which he apparently needs to be a pro athlete in the USA (who knew?). Of course, this is never a problem for yours truly, as I frequently just pop down Highway 6, and then duck off before I get to Regway. A friendly local built a bridge south of Sybouts for folks to just nip across so you can enjoy our cheap discount medications, and we can get some of that nice cheap gas. Instead of going to the gas station though I typically just sort of…keep going, and claim I got lost until I make it to Arizona. I should actually call and make sure that the bridge is still there though, and that it hasn’t been burned down by crazed Montanans calling it a “counterterrorism operation.” I guess that’s what we get for being illegal immigrants, or something. It’s certainly easier than trying to pay the Customs taxes on all the Alberta Premium I pack to sustain me on the journey, and it helps me avoid the awkward conversation I tend to have with the officials on why I’m carrying 250 bottles of cheap whiskey under the bed in my trailer home, or why I know it will all be gone in two weeks if I’m not planning on selling it – I never do sell it, and I never usually have any left by the time I make it to about Albuquerque, but these are minor details.

Kicking things off this week, we had MagicMikeIII and the Moonies fighting for the #2 spot in the Keenan. The Moonies were hopeful to unite the Holden family name at the top of the charts in the division, and looked to strong performances from QB Patrick Mahomes (28) and RB Dameon Pierce (19) to do just that. However, an otherwise lackluster ground game and an injury to star TE Pat Freiermuth hampered those efforts. Magic Mike And The Boys, on the other hand, once again looked to be the showmen that their name implies. 21 from QB Tom Brady, 29 from RB Josh Jacobs, and 35 from RB Austin Ekeler were all crowd-pleasing performances as Magic Mike vanished the Moonies in a puff of smoke, 148-103.

Next, in a very different matchup, division leader God’s Country played host to the Destroyers. The Destroyers were eager to flex their might and live up to their name, and brought a plethora of strong outings. 20 from WR Amari Cooper, 21 from the 49er D, 24 from WR Stephon Diggs and 27 from rookie sensation RB Breece Hall all added into a very nice total. Those aforementioned visa issues must have prevented WR Tee Higgins from returning to God’s Country, as down a man, the squad looked to others to pick up the offensive slack. WR Davante Adams contributed 25 very handy points, and the Bills (22) and QB Derek Carr (18) were also bright spots on the stat sheet. In the end, though, it just wasn’t enough as the run game let down God’s Country – just a combined 4 from the backs. With that, the Destroyers knock off the previously unbeaten God’s Country in a 147-97 final – brutal.  

Finishing out the division, Two Duncan Donuts went on the road against the Koo Fighters. The biggest byline for me in this game? KF’s namesake, K Younghoe Koo – otherwise known as the most exciting player in football, also known as the AAFC’s all-time scoring leader – a man who up until this point was the most valuable kicker in fantasy football, posted a goose egg in this one. In news that people actually care about, KF was able to get production elsewhere, leaning on 17 from DK Metcalf, 20 from RB Rhamondre Stevenson, and 25 from RB Dalvin Cook. Interestingly, KF brokered a late trade but it remains to be seen how effective it was – more on that later. For the Double D’s, they had double dubs from RB Nick Chubb (25) and WR Mike Willy..ubs? I can’t make a Mike Williams rhyme that works, but 23 points there for 2DD. All in all, a very close matchup that saw the Koo Fighters come out on top, 121-104.

Speaking of trading partners, over in the Wayne, the other half of that trade, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child, hosted BlahBlahBlah as both squads looked to climb out of the division basement. Perhaps it’s ironic that both starters involved in this deal only scored 6 each, and the players they were respectively meant to replace equaled or bettered that mark – go figure. For MRLC, it was the same formula…production from QB Kirk Cousins and TE Mark Andrews (22 each). 18 from the Jags D put a little Duval spice on the situation. Same story with the B’s – start with RB Christian McCaffery (23), and hope for some magic from guys like WR Devonta Smith (18) and TE Dallas Goedert (17). In this matchup of tried-and-true methods, it was the Love Children that had the secret ingredient that gave them the edge, as they take this one 115-108.

Moving up an echelon in the division, Council of Steel travelled to face the perpetual club foot of NoKe. QB Tua Tagovailoa is still broken meaning it was up to the rest of the squad to handle business in his absence (editor’s note – and yet he somehow carries a “questionable” designation for this week, like the Dolphins think he might play. Seriously? I’m pretty sure he has brain damage now. NFL, get your act together. Firing that one random doctor is not enough. Take care of your players. -W.) The CJS front office probably wished they’d lost the passports for the Dolphins D, as with their -1 score they would have been more of a help if they stayed home. Thankfully, RB David Montgomery (18) and WR Cooper Kupp (25) had solid games, and TE Travis Kelce turned in an outstanding 33-point, 4-TD night on Monday. NoKe was firing on all cylinders, and with 21 from RB Jeff Wilson, 29 from QB Jalen Hurts, 30 from WR Justin Jefferson and 35 from RB Leonard Fournette, the club-footed wonders were running up points so fast they could have probably skimmed across the water of the Rio Grande. NoKe takes this one 142-106.

Finally, at the top of the Wayne, the Nerd Herd was in a fight to keep their top spot against Knute Rockme. With perhaps another travel-crossing related issue, TE Darren Waller could not make his scheduled appearance, so it was all down to QB Josh Allen (35) tossing bombs to breakout candidate WR Gabe Davis (32). WR Marquise Brown and the Bronco D (both 21) also had good numbers for the arithmetical outfit. Speaking of good numbers, how about twin 27’s for Rockme’s RB Derrick Henry and WR Tyler Lockett? Those peaks were met with some deep valleys on the chart, however, as 14 from Lamar Jackson wasn’t enough to stop the slide. The Herd keeps their lead on the division as they emerge with the win, 142-108.

As we move into October, my previously aforementioned cross-border jaunt this year might come with a bit of added peril. I tend to save up my spare change in a jug throughout the year, and come October I take all the loonies and toonies out and have a little fun. I put down all the loonies on the good odds for Aaron Judge to hit 70 home runs by the end of the year, but after watching some of these early playoff games I’m getting a little nervous. I think my bookie is, too, because he’s been calling me non-stop and telling me I better have his vig ready. I might have to make the drive a few weeks early this year – I don’t think he can find me out in the desert, but if he already drives all the way from Montreal to shake me down what’s a few more miles? Maybe I should stick to betting on curling. Assuming I survive, I’ll see you right back here next week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There are few things worse than the crime, both in sports and out, but as the phrase goes, one of those things is typically the cover-up. It’s not hard to find examples in any time period. Iran-Contra. Watergate. My Lai. Of course, sports is no stranger to hush money in the same vein. Bobby Petrino and the motorcycle. Deshaun Watson at physical therapy. Vince McMahon and literally the entire existence of WWF/WWE. So it comes as no surprise that the true national pastime, the one sports export this country is known for, once again finds itself in the spotlight. Oh, you thought I was talking about Dan Snyder and his escapades across southern Maryland? No, no, I said OUR sports export. You must have forgotten who you were talking to. I’m a dyed-in-the-wool, born and bred maple syrup drinker, 2 pack a day dart smoker, Alberta-beef-fed 2-stroke-Polaris-riding Canuck. Of course, I’m talking about the Hockey Canada shakeup, after it was revealed that the governing body that oversees the national junior team kept a slush fund for the sole purpose of handing out hush money to victims who brought sexual assault claims against the organization. The fact of the matter is, if you oversee a group of 16-20 year boys who travel the world as semi-pro athletes, you’ve got the devil’s job of making sure they keep their hands to themselves but that approach still doesn’t cut the mustard. I’m not a soapbox guy but I’m struggling to keep this one from sounding like it’s coming down from the pulpit so let me change gears before I go full Peter Youngren.

Our first week of NHL inter-divisional play opened up with Council of Steel hosting the Moonies. The Council hoped for big production from household darling QB Kenny Pickett, but an early injury meant that they instead had to turn to WR Cooper Kupp (16) and TE Travis Kelce (18) for support. RB Miles Sanders and the Bears D had decent supporting performances, but the Council had to hold their breath to see what the Moonies could manage. 20 from QB Patrick Mahomes and 18 from RB Kenneth Walker started the Moonies down the right track, after that the team took a left turn as only the Packers D could even crack in to the double digits. Not the prettiest win, but the Council takes this one, 113-82.

From one Holden-Stehle matchup to the other, we next take a look at God’s Country on the road against BlahBlahBlah. While our first Holden family member may have been a bit conservative with their choices, the other took much more of a gamble, firing up guys like Danny Dimes, KHerb and Corey Davis. In the end, though, it was still the established vet TE Gorge Kittle who lead the way in scoring, delivering 16 points as the rest of the squad fell a bit short. Perhaps wanting to add a bit of drama, BlahBlahBlah with a low bar to reach got off to a VERY slow start, despite 21 from CMC who might be packing up the Mayflower truck next week if rumors are to be believed. Despite suboptimal efforts, the late additions from Justin Herbert and Dallas Goedert were enough to get the B’s over the hump and take the W, 94-83, making the Stehle household 2-0 against the Holden clan this week.

Our next tilt saw Knute Rockme hosting the Koo Fighters in a game nearly riddled with absenteeism. With 3 guys in the sick bay for KF and a whopping 6 players on bye for Team Rockme, both owners struggled to find warm bodies to take the kickoff in this one. The Koo Fighters laid it all on the table early, led by potential surprise breakout player of the year RB Rhamondre Stevenson (24) and the recently acquired TE Robert Tonyan (19). The Rockme Boys were all hands on deck and had more of a slow build, eventually tacking 17 points from WR AJ Brown on top of efforts from RB Alvin Kamara (17) and the Vikings D (22). When it all shook out, both teams had put their best available foot forward, and the Koo Fighters came out on top, 112-96.

Speaking of nepotism, let’s go from one deputy commish to the other, as Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child welcomed Two Duncan Donuts to town. Once again, we had a team roar out to an early lead, and another try and claw their way back up to no avail. In this one, it was Double D that had double fun, as WR Michael Pittman had 26 points to lead the way ahead of 16 from RB Joe Mixon. MRLC also had a performance in the dubs from TE Mark Andrews (23), but some personnel changes could have benefited this squad tremendously (I know that 22 from JuJu on the bench was a stinger).  The Donuts never relinquished their lead as they took this one 98-82, and I know that victory tasted sweeter than chocolate éclair fresh from the oven.

The Destroyers at Noke was a very different story. Both teams started out strong, but it was one team that kept their foot on the gas as the game progressed and just never looked back. Noke opened their efforts up with a 21-point day from RB Leonard Fournette, and 17 from WR Justin Jefferson was another nice addition. 14 points late apiece from the Eagles D and QB Jalen Hurst is nothing to sneeze at, but with a no-show from Jeff Wilson and the injury to Eno Benjamin, NoKe soon found themselves in the rearview mirror. The Destroyers yet again live up to the moniker, with the receiving duo of Stefon Diggs (30) and Jamarr Chase (32) setting the tempo, and 19 each from RB Breece Hall and the Cowboys D following along behind. The final result? Not close, a 59-point 156-97 blowout win for the Destroyers. That gap equals our previous season high, and should have been good enough for some hardware, but….

We finish things off with MagicMikeIII on the road against the Nerd Herd. I can try to sugarcoat this one and say at least the Herd put up an OK number, but that’s being generous. Yes, QB Josh Allen did have 26 and RB Saquon Barkley had 18. Jonathan Taylor and Elijah Moore? Didn’t even bother to play, and Marquise Brown had an early exit via cart. As if that wasn’t bad enough for the Herd, when you stare down three 20+ point outings from Marvelous Michael’s RB Austin Ekeler (23), WR Tyreek Hill (29) and came-outta-nowhere RB Deon Jackson (27), that’s a tough call to answer. MM3 takes this one easily, 171-102, and their 69-point win means they take home The Belichek/Carroll “Run Up The Score” Award (and, conversely, the Herd takes over the “Soda Can” Award) for their dominant victory.

Well, folks, that’s the week in a nutshell. Usually I finish things off with a pithy joke or a recounting of what questionably legal activities my neighbors and/or cousins are up to, but this week I’ll leave you with some life advice. Don’t stand behind a moose for too long. Make sure the generator that runs your hot water heater isn’t sitting in a snowbank that’s going to turn into a puddle and short it out. Don’t get on the 401 through Brampton after 3 PM. Don’t ever get on a plane with Ben Roethlisberger.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, now now now, it’s come to my attention that the league failed to distribute my column last week. The intern at the media office I usually send these to claimed he had a “stomach bug” and that he was “real sick, bro” and had a so-called “fever”, but I think it’s just another instance of the established sports media shutting me down and censoring my content yet again. Canada of course has some of the world’s strictest censorship laws, not that anyone knows about it because of course all reporting of it is censored on a global scale. It’s easy to point the finger at places like North Korea and Russia for jailing Western journos and prominent figures, but the fact of the matter is Canada runs the world’s largest pollical prison for sportswriters from around the globe, with a vast majority of them being “radical foreign national” Russian hockey writers. Don’t believe me? Put “Russians in prison for sports crime” in the Google machine and all you get is articles about Brittney Griner. See? It’s the Censorship Moose hard at work.  

With that out of the way, we had our second week of NHL inter-division action here in Week 7. Once again, we’ve got some hardware to hand out this week, and it starts in our first matchup between the Koo Fighters and BlahBlahBlah. The B’s were eager to defend their home turf, and while newly rehomed darling CMC might have still been a bit jet-lagged from his cross-country move, FLEX RB Raheem Mostert picked up the slack with 22 points. WR DJ Moore and QB Justin Herbert added 19 apiece to help propel this squad to a respectable number. The Koo Fighters, on the other hand, could not have been more wrong. With the right personnel in the game, they could have gotten a victory here, but apart from RB Rhamondre Stevenson (22), everyone else was pretty much a no-show. With DK Metcalf and Deebo Samuel picking up injuries and Double Drakes (Kenyan and London) having double dookie-tier games, it comes as no surprise that the Koo Fighters once again set the benchmark in awfulness, retaining their ownership of the Little Sisters Of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for their 76-point outing – beating their prior Week 4 record of 77. W to the B’s, 116-76.

But we’re not done yet, folks, as we flip to the other side of the coin. Council of Steel hosted the Destroyers in a high-octane matchup that saw plenty of points to go around. The Council was hungry for hardware, achieving the magic number of getting every single player into the double digits which almost always provides good results (unless, of course, everyone gets exactly 10). The Bears D paced this squad with 23, and RB Travis Etienne also had 18 in another great performance for CJS. At first glance, the Destroyers might look a little shaky, with injuries to Zeke, The Practical Njoku, and rookie Breece Hall’s being a season-ender (that’s rough). A second pass over the score sheets showed that they had nothing to worry about, however, with both the Cowboys D and WR Jamarr Chase turning in fantastic 33-point performances and QB Joe Burrow lighting up the tables with a 41-point day, nearly good for a door prize. When it all shook out, it was the Destroyers on top, 175-131, giving them new ownership of the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for the highest total of the year (they also already currently own best player performance – keep an eye on these guys for more offensive excellence).

Next up, we had Two Duncan Donuts on the road against Knute Rockme. 2DD might be kicking themselves for leaving that good Chiefs D on the sidelines, but they had plenty more to take comfort in. WR Tyler Boyd had 29 points in a great outing, and WR Mike Williams had 21 more of his own (but did pick up an injury tag). 18 from RB Nick Chubb ain’t nothing to sneeze at either. Team Rockme looked to extract the most out of their lineup, and with another tough set of bye weeks it was the Dolphins D that led the charge with 19. The dual rushing attack of Derrick Henry and Alvin Kamara provided identical 16-point games in strong efforts as well, helping their squad to achieve the best possible result. In the end, it just wasn’t enough to overcome the pass-catchers from Double D, and the Donuts win this one 132-97.

Next up, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child hosted God’s Country in a faceoff between two green-and-gold-blooded Packer lovers. In that vein, the Todd Squad front office was probably a bit disappointed in AJ Dillon’s efforts, but they could take some comfort that despite wearing the wrong jersey, WR Davante Adams turned in a nice 17-point effort. This was complimented nicely by 18 from the Pats D and 21 from franchise cornerstone TE George Kittle. Speaking of big name tight ends, MRLC management is likely tearing their hair out after TE Mark Andrews went down with a knee. WR JuJu Smith-Schuster tried to pick up the receiving slack with 25, but that was the lone bright spot in this otherwise woeful lineup this week. God’s Country cruises to an easy win, 114-80, and improves to 5-2.

For the second week in a row, we go from one Holden to another, as the Moonies went on the road against the Nerd Herd. The Herd broke out to an early stampede, led by QB Trevor Lawrence with 21 points and RB Saquon Barkley with 17. Later efforts by WR Jerry Jeudy (16) tried to keep the momentum going, but that was where the rush ended. The Moonies started out strong with 18 from WR Mike Evans and 28 from RB Aaron Jones, and they just kept coming with 27 from QB Patrick Mahomes and another 28 from RB Kenneth Walker. The Herd found themselves well and truly corralled by the Moonies, as the team with the longest name ever gets the win, 164-101.

We finish things off this week with defending champs NoKe hosting MagicMikeIII. Two very different strategies in this one – NoKe going with the “get in, get out, get done” method while Magical Michael went for the slow buildup to the dramatic finish – very fitting. NoKe laid it all out on the table early, led by 23 from RB Eno Benjamin in the flex and a strong 28 from the Titans D. 19 from WR Deandre Hopkins was another nice note as the champs hoped they had done enough and held their breath for the second act to follow. The twist came just after the first intermission, as MM3 unveiled their bombshell rushing attack - Austin Ekeler with 34 points and Josh Jacobs with 36, in standout performances for both players. That late push put them over the top, as MagicMikeIII takes the win 155-114.

Readers, I don’t know what to tell you. I know in years past the league has complained about issues with me getting the articles in on time, and those were in fact my fault – the 2019 carrier pigeon fiasco still has me tied up in Crown court over in Edmonton. But after much griping and whining from the media office I finally made some concessions and got them what they wanted in a format they could more easily use…and now they don’t publish me? Sounds like I need to take a trip south of the border and punch someone in the face. Maybe then I can get a new, more lucrative contract with Scamazon instead. I hear they like making TV shows with old, kooky, foreign journalists – maybe I can get my ugly mug on camera.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With the NFL trade deadline having come and gone, some movements have affected the fantasy landscape. With ever-present talk of new stadiums, relocations and team sales, the number crunchers were working extra overtime to figure out how each team could improve at the last second. The greatest trade deadline deal of all time, in my humble opinion, was the one that sent Nazarov and the pick that turned into Vinny Lecavalier to Tampa for Marchment, David Shaw and the pick that became David Legwand in San Jose, but then what do I know. At least no one sent Ulf Samuelsson to Pittsburgh this year.

Another interleague week here in the NHL, and we start things off with Two Duncan Donuts hosting Council of Steel. For the home crowd, 12 points out of a player usually isn’t too many, but when you do it 5 times over that tends to lend itself to a much stronger result. Jimmy G had 17 and RB Nick Chubb had 25 to lead the squad in a very strong outing. Only one 12 for the Council, but when it’s one of your top three scores, you’ve got problems. QB Marcus Mariota might be reviving his career with 21 and RB Travis Etienne impressed with 24, but that’s about all that was going the right way for the Council this week. 2DD wins handily, 125-91.

Next up, BlahBlahBlah hoped to shout down the dangerous Destroyers. After some very impressive performances, the Destroyers looked to be on the same track with passcatchers Amari Cooper (22) and Stefon Diggs (21). The team sputtered after that, however, with the running game really holding them back – just 10 from the backs, and a nasty injury to Mark Ingram. The B’s were talking trash early, led by 27 from WR DJ Moore. CMC seems to be enjoying that West Coast weather, as he added a whopping 36 points late Sunday to put a bow on this one. Give this one to BBB, 131-109.

Moving on, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child went on the road against the Moonies. MRLC has endured a frustrating season thus far, and this week was no different, much like a car that looks good in a Kijiji ad and then looks terrible up close and in person. Yes, Kirk Cousins and Antonio Gibson both had 23, and CeeDee Lamb had 18. However, there were a lot of single digits to go with those scores, so this squad had to hold their breath into Sunday night. The Moonies got off to a bit of a slow start, but started to pout it on late, with the Bills D and RB Aaron Jones both adding 19 points apiece. The star of this show, however, was WR Jaylen Waddle, who put up 30 in a career day for the young receiver. The Moonies take this one 137-105, as MRLC falls to the bottom at just 2-6.

Across town, the Koo Fighters played host to the Nerd Herd. The Koo Fighters did work early, as RB Rhamondre Stevenson (21), RB Dalvin Cook (25) and QB Dak Prescott (25) all had great outings. With those strong performances in the early games, it was a case of hurry up and wait to see what the Herd could round up. As it turned out, not too much, but WR Jerry Jeudy and the Bronco D both had nice 18-point games and WR Garret Wilson had 17 more. When the dust settled, the Koo Fighters had hung on, 141-106.

In the first game of our primetime doubleheader, we got what was billed as a great matchup between defending champs NoKe on the road against the league leaders of God’s Country. NoKe was eager to show the league why they had two titles sitting at home in the trophy case, and came out with guns blazing early. 25 for the Eagles D, 27 for QB Jalen Hurts, a very surprising 31 from RB Donta Foreman, and a very impressive 33 from WR Deandre Hopkins meant that the bar was set very high for hometown upstarts. Perhaps it was a case of the nerves, or maybe the Montreal bookmakers got to someone in the front office, but the Todd Squad looked more like the Odd Squad out there. 19 for the Pats D might have been the only saving grace, but when your bench outscores your lineup it’s never a good look. NoKe drubs God’s Country, 168-77, and the 91-point gulf means that both the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award and the “Soda Can” Award have new homes going forward.

Finally, we had MagicMikeIII hosting Knute Rockme in what turned into an absolute barnburner from the get go. MM3 had WR’s Jakobi Myers (21) and Tyreek Hill (30) zipping up and down the field, and the ageless wonder Touchdown Tommy continues to prove his worth with 19 points of his own. As impressive as this squad was, it was the other lineup that really put on the show. Let me just lay out some numbers for you. QB Lamar Jackson – 21. RB Tony Pollard – 33. RB Derrick Henry – 34. WR A.J. Brown – 39. RB Alvin Kamara – 42. Team total? Two hundred and two points. I’m sorry, but I don’t care what you think you have…if you play against a team that scores 202, you’re gonna lose. (Editor’s note – honestly, watching the games Sunday was an experience. It felt like every time RedZone cut away to a touchdown, I just kept saying, “Oh shit, that’s Mark’s guy” over and over. -W.) With that very strong performance, Knute Rockme improves to .500, and with their 202-139 win, they firmly take control of the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award, probably for the rest of the year.

Well folks, with the new extended schedule, that means we’ve got 15-game regular season here in the NHL, and this having been week 8, we’ve crossed the halfway point, so I think it’s a good time to take a step back and survey the league as a whole. Some interesting things have happened and some good storylines are developing. After looking like the far weaker division in the early going, the Keenan currently has 3 of the 4 playoff spots in hand. The league as a whole has much more parity than in years past, as well – 3 teams hold a 5-3 record, and a whopping 7 teams sit at 4-4. CJS and MRLC might be on the outside looking in at 3-5 and 2-6 respectively, but despite being at bedrock-level dead last in the standings, MRLC is only 2 games out of the division lead. With so many tiebreak situations currently active, both divisions are intriguing but still very different. The most noticeable change between the two comes when you look at the numbers of our division leaders. God’s Country still holds the league lead, and the Koo Fighters are now in 2nd place, but under very unusual circumstances. GC is averaging just 98.4 points per game, the only team under 100 PPG, and KF is just at 107.9 PPG, the 3rd weakest number. However, GC and KF have both only had 843 and 844 total points against, an average of just 105.4 PAPG, well clear of just about everyone else. In comparison, MM3 in 3rd and HERD in 6th (1st in division) have much more typical numbers, although they tell their own stories as well. MM3 is looking solid at a 139.1/120 weekly ratio and is likely a lock for the postseason. HERD, on the other hand, is clinging to the Wayne division lead on tiebreak, currently sitting at 125/131.8 per week, perhaps explaining their current 3-game slide. My sincere thanks to the folks over at Bellyash Sports Bureau for putting those numbers together, helping fill in the gaps that the computers of Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics don’t fill. Of course, our two Duke Of Sealand Cup winners are guaranteed playoff glory, while everyone else is left to scrabble over the two best available records. The coming weeks will surely give us a great playoff race down the stretch, and let me tell you, I’m more excited than I was in '88 when Bill Ranford held his own against Andy Moog in the cup.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider 

I join you on this fine November day awash with politics to tell you that I’m sick of the constant campaigning. It seems as though there’s no real defined terms or limits, and that politicians spend more time soliciting money from hard-working folks rather than trying to fix their problems. Over the last year, the Conservatives have undergone change of leadership, hoping to take back control of the country and oust the currently ruling Liberals. So far, it appears to have been to no avail, but I suppose time will tell after the election results are in. Oh, they ARE all in you say? No, silly, the Canadian election happens NEXT October. Just be glad you don’t have to translate your ballot from French…damn Bloc Quebecois.

Starting out another week of interleague play, our first matchup saw league-leading God’s Country hosting the Nerd Herd. QB Derek Carr got things going for the Todd Squad with 18 points, but it was WR Davante Adams that brought back memories of green and gold glory days as he posted 36 in a great outing. Not to be outdone, the Patriots D feasted on woeful Colts offense and posted 37 of their own. With the bar set in the early going, it was up to the Nerd Herd to get over top of it. QB Josh Allen had a productive game with 23 and WR Garrett Wilson added 16, while the full emulation of GC’s gameplan came to completion with 18 from the Cardinal D. Comparing the results, however, the original was the best, as the Herd found themselves totally corralled from the start, 136-95.

Another game that saw similar strategy was BlahBlahBlah on the road against the Moonies. The gameplan was this – have two stud scores, and an absent running back. The B’s trotted it out first, with TE Dallas Goedert posting 24, the Bucs D scoring 23, and RB Najee Harris, for some odd reason, starting on a bye week. Then came the Moonies – RB Aaron Jones going down to injury early, followed by RB Kenneth Walker scoring 27 and QB Patrick Mahomes tearing it up with 37 points in another great game. Apples to apples, it was the Moonies that executed the plan better, as they take the victory here 125-87.

Sticking with the theme, let’s move on to a game where both GM’s got about what they expected from their players, and left one good performance on the bench from a guy that probably could have sealed the deal for their team. The Koo Fighters hosted Council of Steel in our closest matchup of the week, and the home side turned in probably the most pedestrian performance in fantasy history. It’s not even worth highlighting any players for this team because they all just had bland games, but losing out on RB Kenyan Drake’s afternoon probably stung. For the Council, they also got what they were expecting, but when you’re talking about more high-octane guys like WR Christian Kirk (21), WR Cooper Kupp (24), TE Travis Kelce (20) and RB Travis Etienne (25), the numbers are a little more glamorous. Yes, this team missed out on Tua’s big day, but it ended up not mattering as the Council wins this one 121-108.

This is working so far, so let’s keep it going, as the defending champs NoKe travelled to face off against Two Duncan Donuts. This formula was easy – ho-hum performances across the board, one big-time player score. For NoKe, it was WR Justin Jefferson, whose 25 points paced the team (Fields and the Eagles were ok also). For 2DD however, it was RB Joe Mixon’s career day, posting a whopping 54 points to lead this squad to victory 121-95. This of course means that Two Duncan Donuts takes possession of the “You Got Rocked” Award for the best player score of the year. (Editor’s note: look at this scoreline – 153 rushing yards, 4 catches for 58 yards, 5 total TD’s. This is also a team with Joe Burrow and Jamarr Chase. How are the Bengals not undefeated? Oh, right, because they’re the Bengals. Carry on. -W.)

In a very different matchup, the high-flying MagicMikeIII played host Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child trying to scratch and claw their way up from the bottom. MRLC unloaded everything they had in a desperation play, while MM3 had a deep bench to draw on. Perhaps fitting the team name, surprise QB standout Geno Smith turned in a 20-point day. Chef Geno must have done some cross-contamination, as the Seahawk D also had 20 in a strong outing. For MM3, it was RB Austin Ekeler with 23 points leading the charge, and WR Tyreek Hill coming right behind with an impressive 27 of his own. Much like his beloved Packers, MRLC appears to be in full meltdown, as Magic Mike And The Boys cruise to a 136-116 victory despite leaving 105 on the bench.

Our final game this week saw Knute Rockme taking on the Destroyers. The Destroyers got it going early, led by WR Mecole Hardman with a 23-point day, followed closely by 20 from the Jets D, and *checks notes* yep, 17 from kicker Nick Folk, I read that right. Kyler and DMoon also had nice showings as the Destroyers waited to see if they could improve their position in the division. Team Rockme looked to respond in kind, as RB Derrick Henry turned in another very good game with 23 points. WR Tyler Lockett added 17 in a strong effort, and despite being a little off his usual pace, QB Lamar Jackson still managed to put 16 points on the board. Surely a valiant effort, but the Destroyers were just too much, as they take the win here 135-114.

It's easy to say that one side is better than the other. East or West, Labbat’s Blue or Carling Red Label, biathlon or Canadian biathlon (snowmobile racing with a keg stand every 5 laps until you pass out or cover 150 kms). At the start of the year, we saw what appeared to be an entrenched power, that has since totally fallen apart and is looking to reclaim glory. The Keenan division now boasts all winning records, and the Wayne has all 6 teams under .500, even despite some of this week’s outcomes. As we close in to the final day when the results can be counted, I urge you all to do your part – be active, make your voice heard, and do everything in your power to make sure you team is represented come Week 17.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Hello, Ola, Guten Tag, Privjet, How and Salam Alaikum. With news of international expansion of the NFL into Germany (well, BACK into Germany…remember NFL Europe?) I thought it would only be fitting to acknowledge a truly global readership, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m only distributed in two North American timezones. And no French, because screw Quebec. The NFL, of course, isn’t the first league to do this – the imposter hockey-playing NHL has been playing across the border for years, as did the CFL back in the expansion 90’s. The MLB has been playing exhibition and barnstorming games in Japan and the Caribbean for many years, and the NBA has been exploring a China expansion as of late. By my reckoning, though, the first Big Five major organization to make it happen was actually them good ol’ boys down South. Yes, NASCAR ran a road course race in Japan at the Suzuka F1 track in both ’96 and ’97 (“Suzuka Thunder”, good name) paving the way for Western intrusion onto another continental shelf. Yes, WWF ran events at the Tokyo Dome in the 80’s, but while I consider that the first foray of a major sports league into international territory, I seem to be in the minority in that regard. Which reminds me – we haven’t had a good wrestling-themed column in some time, but I digress.

 Another week of interleague play opened up with God’s Country taking on Knute Rockme. Team Rockme got it going early, scoring the bulk of their points by 3:45 PM on Sunday. WR Amon-Ra St. Brown led the way with 21, while shock starter QB Jacoby Brissett added 18 and the stout Dolphins D equaled that figure. With the benchmark set, it was up to the Todd Squad to eclipse that figure, led by WR Davante Adams with 27. QB Derek Carr had 18 of his own, as the team waited with bated breath to see what Rockme’s stud AJ Brown could manage. As it turned out, the answer was one catch for 7 yards, meaning God’s Country escapes with a 104-98 win and maintains their league lead.

Speaking of squeaking out a win, let’s take a look at BlahBlahBlah hosting Two Duncan Donuts. For 2DD, efficiency was the name of the game, especially with their thin bench this week. Jimmy Gesus was the leading scorer for this side as he put up 18, while the Giants D complemented with 17 of their own. The B’s top scorer was actually the Bucs defense with 19, while CMC appears to have slowed down a bit with that West Coast weather and lifestyle as he put up 16. Double D might have put up triple figures in the Scamazon Coach Efficiency ratings, but it was BBB that wins this absolute squeaker, 90-89, as both teams sit at .500.

While less glamorous than Munich’s Allianz Stadium, our international feature game this week between the Moonies and defending champs NoKe was played in, uhhh…..scenic New Brunswick. Hey, if you’ve ever been there you know it’s basically its own country, and besides, international flights are really expensive. NoKe was hoping the international exposure would pick them up a new ridiculous sponsorship, despite the biggest corporation on the island being Big Jim’s Taxidermy and Propane Deliveries, and the Moonies just didn’t seem to care. They still put on a great performance for the excited crowd, as QB Patrick Mahomes and the Bills D both put up 28 and RB Aaron Jones had 21 points to add. NoKe might get a call from Big Jim after this one though, as QB Jalen Hurts had 20, RB Jeff Wilson had 21, and WR Justin Jefferson scored 35 points in a performance that was sure to attract at least one set of corporate eyeballs. NoKe gets this one, 165-135 as both teams also move to 5-5.

Next up, the Destroyers went on the road to take on the Nerd Herd. The Herd came out swinging, with 21 each from QB Josh Allen and WR Gabe Davis, and 22 more from RB Saquon Barkley. That score got backed up with 23 from RB Jonathan Taylor in the flex as the Herd raced out to the lead on Sunday night. The Destroyers tried to match them step for step, but despite 24 from WR Stefon Diggs, 19 from QB Geno Smith, and another 100 percent efficiency rating, it was the Nerd Herd who triumph 129-110 as we have another pair of teams that now sit at .500.

Moving on, Council of Steel hosted MagicMikeIII in another nail-biter this week. Both teams featured a 30-point scorer, a 20-point scorer and a strong defense. For Magic Mike, it was QB Justin Fields with 36 and RB Josh Jacobs with 21, as WR Tyreek Hill’s 17 looked to back up the 15 point effort from the Falcons D. For the Council, WR Christian Kirk posted 31 while TE Travis Kelce had 20, and QB Marcus Mariota had the 17-point supporting role of the 15 point Bears D. End result? A 124-122 MM3 win in a Sunday night thriller.

Once again showing their true nepotism and despite both teams’ records, the league office saw fit to flex the Co-Commish Cup to primetime as the Koo Fighters faced off against Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. Both teams, however, turned in shockingly competent performances and this game was also up in the air until the clock ticked off its final seconds of Week 10. The Koo Fighters clung to an early lead, with RB Dalvin Cook (24), RB James Connor (23) and the Titans D (23) leading the way. MRLC’s QB Daniel Jones (17) and RB Devin Singletary (15) couldn’t keep pace, but 38 from WR CeeDee Lamb got them right back to nipping at KF’s heels. It all came down to the Washington game, as KF’s WR Terry McLaurin and MRLC’s RB Antonio Gibson both had a chance to win it for their respective squads. McLaurin’s 20 bested Gibson’s 15, and now the Koo Fighters can talk trash next week over American Thanksgiving dinner as they get the win, 132-123.

I hope you all enjoyed my coverage and analysis this week, but I haven’t even touched on the real story, especially given the expansion talk. The real meat and potatoes this week is that the NHL is announcing a South Korean expansion for 2026! That’s right, given the popularity of eSports (whatever that is) in the nation, the league office figured that an entirely digital competition would do well there, so for all my fledgling Korean fantasy diehards…Annyeonghaseyo. Hell, if they can sell out a 30,000 seat stadium for a StarCraft tournament, we can probably get a franchise going in Seoul.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Of course, there are many different leagues that have come and gone, setting themselves up as rivals to the establishment. Some, like the NFL, have actually proven to be the superior product, the Oreos to the Hydrox that was the APFA. Others, like the PFL looking to take on the UFC and Bellator, or LIV taking on the PGA, are still too new to know if they will be a viable alternative or even long-term second tier or developmental territory. Of course, there are plenty of failed examples - the Spring League, afl2, CART, and of course the infamous XFL. There is, however, a less common but very interesting option - a league that starts up to take on the established big dog, and doesn’t become a second tier option but also doesn’t upset the balance, just...co-exists. And perhaps it’s fitting that I finish my prior list with the XFL, because some young upstarts a few years ago decided to take on good old Vince McMahon and his billion-dollar WWE juggernaut with a new company called AEW, and have found great success. The Monday Night Wars are certainly back, except now they happen on Wednesdays, but the energy is still the same. On the back of their fall pay-per-view event Full Gear, and just days before WWE’s Survivor Series, I thought it would be fun to once again look at the league happenings through the lens of large, sweaty men grabbing each other and yelling incoherently into TV broadcast microphones. Not that different from the Sunday gridiron action, come to think of it.

It’s back to another divisional week in the NHL, and we start things off with God’s Country facing off against the Destroyers. The Destroyers, sitting at .500, were hoping to get a leg up in a close playoff race in the Keenan while God’s Country looked to keep the rest of the division (and league) at arm’s length. The Destroyers looked strong out of the gate, with 24 from the Cowboys and 25 from QB Joe Burrow serving as a great opening salvo before WR Amari Cooper delivered a 31-point dropkick. God’s Country came roaring back, however, as the tag team of QB Derek Carr (21), WR Tee Higgins (23) and TE George Kittle (24) softened them up before Davante Adams and the Pats D dropped two 33’s off the top rope. God’s Country wins this one, 177-131, and remains in first place overall.

Next, the hungry challenger for the Keenan belt, MagicMikeIII, hosted the Moonies. The Moonies’ QB Patrick Mahomes filled his John Cena role - the cheerful, clean-cut, face of the franchise, always turning in solid performances that fans love to watch. His 26 points were strong, but with the only real backup coming in the form of 18 from the Bills D, things were looking a bit dicey. MM3 started things out with a tried and true worker, the Ravens D (22) before spicing things up with a young up-and-comer, QB Justin Fields (21). The show stealer, however, was RB Cordarelle Patterson, who danced up and down the sidelines like he was walking along the top rope enroute to scoring 25 points. This one goes to Magic Mike And The Boys, 131-106, and it looks like they could threaten for the Keenan championship. 

In contrast, the Koo Fighters were desperately holding on to their playoff berth like a guy hanging on to the briefcase in a ladder match. Their hosts, 2 Duncan Donuts, were hoping to knock KF’s legs out from under them and take that opportunity for themselves. They began their efforts with a 23-point dropkick from QB Jimmy Garoppolo, before following up with a sneaky stunner from WR Christian Watson (20). Another injury to RB Joe Mixon, however, had the refs throwing up the “X” to the back room, and the opportunity was there for KF. QB Dak Prescott had 20, WR’s Deebo Samuel and Chris Olave both had 21, but it was actually the Falcons D with 32 points that was the star of this fight card. With their late efforts, the Koo Fighters come from behind and take a 138-100 win, keeping a loose grip on their playoff hopes.

The company’s other weekly show in the Wayne Divison went a bit differently. After the fireworks went off and the opening theme music played, the crowd expected to see two squads come running out from the door in the TitanTron. NoKe came running out to fanfare and applause, but once the next display of indoor pyro and smoke cleared...where was the Council of Steel? A few top stars came out from the back, but it looked like most of the team had left for WCW overnight. RB David Montgomery (20) and TE Travis Kelce (35) put forward a superhuman effort to give the fans a good show, but you can’t have success with just 4 guys starting (unless we’re talking a Fatal 4-Way). With the steel cage door wide open, NoKe didn’t have to do much more than walk through, and WR Deandre Hopkins (18) and QB Jalen Hurts (23) did just that. Despite having 9 players to CJS’s 4, this one finished a bit closer than you think, 92-84 in NoKe’s favor. This isn’t a team to be taken lightly. 

Directly following that was a fierce battle between Knute Rockme and the Nerd Herd to see who else could challenge NoKe for the Wayne lead. The Rockme boys started out with some pretty standard fare, but after 17 from QB Lamar Jackson the crowd started to come alive. RB Derrick Henry’s 23 got them chanting, and by the time RB Tony Pollard got out the 36-point steel chair the roof was barely still attached to the building. The Herd needed to respond in kind, and they started to fight back, oddly enough, with the kicker Tyler Bass, who delivered 23 swift blows in the shins. RB Jamaal Williams (24) tried to bullrush his way to a win, but Team Rockme had inflicted too much damage as they took the win, 138-107.

Finally, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child faced BlahBlahBlah for the NHL Mixed Tag TV Title. With no TE Gerald Everett, the B’s were in a handicap match with only 8 guys. QB Justin Herbert (20), RB Najee Harris (27) and WR Joshua Palmer (30) were the tag team that the B’s needed, however, scoring big points. MRLC has been absolutely desperate to get out from underneath the ring, so when the ring apron flew up you knew they were going to try something wacky. No steel chair, no bat, no chain - nope, how about a 30-point Washington defense and 23-point K Brett Maher combination? Follow it up with a 17-point DDT from RB Antonio Gibson, and you have a 127-124 win for MRLC as they finally break their duck on the year.

Generally, I close these out with another nice themed paragraph that ties everything together nicely, but it’s late and I feel like this is a fairly appropriate time to share this piece of knowledge with you all, so here it is. My nephew went to a house show a few months ago in Brampton, and it was put on by some Japanese wrestling company I’ve never heard of. He told me about their main championship, called the Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship (yes, it’s real), which can be won at any time under any circumstances so long as a ref is there to count it out. He told me that some guy from the crowd jumped the barrier and won it off a wrestler before another wrestler beat him up and took it back, but apparently that’s not uncommon. Two guys played rock-paper-scissors for it about 50 times once, one guy won the belt at auction, and several animals and inanimate objects have won the belt, including a 3-time-champion stepladder and a can of beer (the beer lost the belt after it was drunk). Not that it has to do with anything else, but I thought it was a fun thing to share. 

Atom Shuffler 

BSPN NHL insider

Well, you all are a month late, but I understand it was American Thanksgiving this week. It certainly had an interesting effect on my football watching schedule, but it was kind of nice to have a few extra games early in the week. Meant that on Sunday afternoon it was easier for me to keep an eye on my fantasy curling team, at the very least. While no one smuggled a turkey leg across the border for me, I did see a few themed ads come through the old rabbit ears that made me nostalgic for some of my time in the States, mostly for my cousin Myra’s green bean casserole. I’ll have to make a stop in Des Moines for it on my annual snowbird migration south in a few weeks.

Starting things off, we have MagicMikeIII on the road against the Destroyers. The Destroyers were in full desperation mode, and WR Stefon Diggs tried to carry the load with 21. QB Joe Burrow added 19 in a strong effort, and twin 16’s from Zeke and Amari weren’t too shabby either. MM3, on the other hand, was just looking to maintain, and with 29 from WR Chris Godwin, 25 from RB Austin Ekeler, and 18 from the immortal Touchdown Tommy, they looked to do just that in a close matchup. There’s just one thing I’m leaving out – the X Factor that was MM3 RB Josh Jacobs, who ran like an out of control freight train and hung 47 points in a dominant performance. That meant that Magical Michael takes this win 178-106, leaving the Destroyers’ playoff chances dangling by a thread, as the best they can hope for now is a wildcard with all the luck in the world.

Next, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child hosted defending champs NoKe in an even more dire situation. With MRLC’s name becoming more pertinent by the day, this is a squad that absolutely was playing for their lives. With a slew of early players, MRLC set the bar with a trio of 17s from QB Tua Tagovailoa, WR CeeDee Lamb and the Washington D, and prayed that NoKe would gorge on mashed potatoes so much they couldn’t clamber over. Yes, Travis Etienne was a no show (off somewhere stuffing his face with candied yams, I suspect), but with 21 from the 49ers, 26 from QB Jalen Hurts, and 28 from WR Justin Jefferson, NoKe just undid the button on their jeans and comfortably took this one, 135-103. With that result, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child becomes the first victim of the year, mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Take solace, boys, you can eat all the leftovers you want now without guilt. RIP Mr. Rodgers' Love Child.

Across town, the Moonies and their good friends the Koo Fighters squared off. KF also had a lot at stake in the Turkey Day games, but the surprise performer there was the Vikings D, getting a bulk of their 29 points from the return game. 20 from WR DK Metcalf and 19 from RB Rhamondre Stevenson were also nice additions to the main course, filling out the plate. The Moonies’ Patrick Mahomes carved a huge slice off the bird with 20, but with 18 from RB Aaron Jones and 16 from RB Kenneth Walker being the only notable side dishes, this one could have benefited from a few more rolls and a little more gravy. KF takes the win, 129-100, leaving the Moonies in absolute must-win territory from here on out.

Since we’re talking about Holden-run teams in the Keenan, let’s take a look at God’s Country visiting Two Duncan Donuts. The Todd Squad knew they had a tried and true recipe, with WR Tee Higgins (24) being the main attraction. QB Derek Carr and RB Ameer Abdullah had a pair of 20’s to cap off a nice-looking spread of points. Double D got a little creative, though, busting out the new-school cookbook with guys like WR Deandre Carter (22), WR Christian Watson (21), WR Michael Pittman (19) and RB Samaje Perine (18) to surprise the crowd with some new dishes they weren’t expecting. The alternative ingredients proved to be a big hit, and 2DD gets a win here, 143-129.

From alternative ingredients to nothing but the classics, our next game saw BlahBlahBlah hosting Knute Rockme. While the classics were certainly present in this one (guys like Kamara, Henry, McCaffery and Engram) it was the sides that stole the show here. Yes, team Rockme’s Lamar Jackson (22) might not have been a surprise, but how about the Dolphins D hanging 26 (5 sacks!) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown with 27 in another impressive showing for this up-and-comer? The B’s answered with 26 from QB Justin Herbert, 21 from the Texans and 20 from WR DJ Moore, but it just wasn’t enough cranberry sauce and gravy to mask the burned turkey. Knute Rockme gets the win, 136-115, as both teams are still in it and fighting for a playoff spot.

Finally, Council of Steel went on the road to face the Nerd Herd in our primetime game. Like two aunts bringing their own delicious pies, this one was damn near too close to call. The Herd had 28 from QB Josh Allen, 26 from WR Garret Wilson and 18 from RB Jonathan Taylor to offer. On the other hand, 31 from CJS RB Miles Sanders and 27 from WR Zay Jones is pretty tempting, too. The 132-132 final result would have to go the judges, and it was the Herd who win this one on the total TD’s tiebreak, 8-4. Maybe CJS needs to change their name to Council of Steal, since they were the victims of a robbery in this showdown. With that tiebreak loss, CJS is all but eliminated, needing to win out and get a lot of help to squeak into the playoffs.

I hope you’re all well rested after your doses of tryptophan. I had a different brand of sleepy chemicals last Thursday, namely Aunt Mable’s bathtub gin – much better than her elderberry cobbler, although the cobbler does have a lot less turpentine in it. The stores are already putting up their Santa decorations here and I assume they’re doing the same wherever you all are. God save us all from Mariah Carey on the radio – at least you’re not stuck with CRTC regs so you don’t have to listen to Rush cover “Up On The Rooftop” 8 times a day.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There are three constants in life. Death, taxes, and Red Sox spending way too much money on relatively unknown Japanese project players. As we enter the throes of free agency for baseball, college football coaching, and NASCAR tire changers, let’s not neglect the light that needs to be shed on the big deals that usually don’t work out when it comes to the market. Yes, you Yanks might look to such instances like the insanely expensive Albert Pujols deal, or the immensely unfulfilling contract that brought John Wall to the Wizards, but spare a thought for your Canuck counterparts who will immediately tell you that the Rick DiPietro/Islanders deal was the absolute worst signing of all time. Yes, worse than Brock Lesnar’s UFC contract, and yes, worse than the Gilbert Arenas fiasco. Agent Zero? More like Agent Zero Cap Space, or Agent Zero Production.

Not as much movement in the NHL free agent market, but that didn’t stop the Moonies and the Destroyers from getting down to brass tacks. With both teams in absolute must-win territory, this one was shaping up to be an absolute dogfight to the death, and that it absolutely was…not. The Moonies perhaps took my claims last week to heart a bit too much, and while they did need an absolute miracle to accompany a win-out, they were technically still alive at kickoff. Only QB Patrick Mahomes (20) seemed to bother, as the rest of the squad put up a totally woeful performance. The Destroyers, on the other hand, were much more enthused, as both QB Joe Burrow and the Cowboy D hung 30 apiece, while WR Stefon Diggs added 22 more. Destroyers took an easy win here, 147-82, and while other results around the league left them still very much in peril, the win certainly helped their cause. The Moonies, on the other hand, became the first team to be eliminated from the playoffs this week. RIP Family Federation for World Peace and Reunification North American Representative.

In a very different situation across town, MagicMikeIII played host to Two Duncan Donuts. Double D were fighting for their playoff lives, while MM3 was looking to improve their seeding situation. 2DD’s new centerpiece WR Christian Watson led the way with 23 points, while the resurgent RB Samaje Perine contributed an additional 20 points. Jimmy Gesus, however, had an early exit due to injury, and 2 points at the QB spot just isn’t a recipe for success. Magical Michael had a clear path to strut their stuff and show why they are now the proud owners of top spot in the league, and did so courtesy of WR Tyreek Hill (29), RB Josh Jacobs (20) and WR Keenan Allen (20). With the 148-92 result in favor of MM3, Two Duncan Donuts are left dangling by a thread, and Double (or Triple) M becomes the first team to lock in to the postseason. All glory to MagicMikeIII.

That leaves just one Keenan Division matchup, so that means we have to take a look at the tilt between God’s Country and Koo Fighters. With potentially only one more spot up for grabs in the division, these teams were fighting tooth and nail to see who can cement themselves into a secure position. The Todd Squad knows that they’re strong after occupying the top rung for so long, and while Ameer Abdullah posted an injury-shortened goose egg, they knew they had the secret ingredient. Perhaps it’s fitting that we were talking about big free-agent signings, because this was the Davante Adams show. His 37 was backed up by 26 from RB Isaiah Pacheco and 21 from WR Donovan Peoples-Jones, and GC had to hold their breath to see if it was enough. WRs DK Metcalf (26) and Terry McLaurin (24) gave the Koo Fighters a good base to work from, but late efforts from Dak and Olave just weren’t enough to get it done. God’s Country takes the win here, 133-128, and while both teams are still very much alive, KF is in a much more precarious situation going in to the penultimate week.

It's always better to hear bad news from a loved one. So perhaps it’s fitting that our first Wayne matchup saw the still-alive BlahBlahBlah taking on Council of Steel, in the throes of a 3-game skid at the worst possible time. A house divided cannot stand, and the two Stehle owners knew that only one could remain in the postseason hunt. CJS RB David Montgomery and WR Christian Kirk both provided 16-point last gasps, but it was up to the B’s to put this squad out of their misery. 28 from RB Christian McCaffery, 27 from the Texans D, and 21 from WR Devonte Smith at least ensured that death was quick and painless – it’s the humane thing to do. BBB takes the win, 150-97, and eliminated the Council. RIP Council of Steel.

Speaking of eliminated, Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child was already DOA when they rolled into town against their old pals Knute Rockme, having been knocked out last week. With nothing to play for but pride, it’s time for MRLC to try things, like plugging in Deshaun Watson and Courtland Sutton. That didn’t really work, but RB’s D’Andre Swift (20) and Cam Akers (19) had nice showcase games in the event MRLC is shopping for picks next year. Knute Rockme just had to roll up the body, and RB Tony Pollard (24), WR AJ Brown (31), and Amon-Ra St. Brown (34) made short work of the disposal, and holy shit look over there because the Browns defense scored 47 freaking points?! (Pay no attention to the rolled up carpet they’re carrying.) Team Rockme gets the win, 159-100, and shows the league that they’re not to be trifled with down the stretch.

That leaves us with the Nerd Herd hosting NoKe in a tight race for the #2 spot in the Wayne. The defending champs already knew that they would be out on tiebreak with the aforementioned Rockme, so a win here was extra critical. QB Jalen Hurts had a career day with 33 points, and WR Justin Jefferson scored 18 in a nice complement. Jeff Wilson, however, was nowhere to be found, leaving the door open for the Herd, who came rushing through. 17 for QB Josh Allen, 21 for the Broncos D, and 24 for WR Garret Wilson means that the Nerds attacked with great success. Give this one to the Herd, 120-109, and now the Wayne has a 3-way tie for first, settled on the tiebreak.

Will we see any big-name waiver wire adds in the coming weeks? I certainly suspect that we will, but it’s hard for me to say who or when due to the unpredictable nature of fantasy football, and my borderline illiteracy brought on by 50-plus years of drinking homemade hooch brewed in antifreeze jugs (hey, it’s the cheapest container they sell at Canadian Tire). Hopefully, we won’t see a repeat of the DiPietro debacle here in the real NHL, which I remind you all is the worst free-agent deal of all time. Well, the second worst. Nothing, and I do really mean nothing, can top the joy in my heart that comes around every year on July 1st - because that’s Bobby Bonilla Day.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Trials and tribulations - traditional. The bitterness of defeat – Julia Ward Howe, “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”. With great power comes great responsibility – Uncle Ben, “Spider-Man”. All of these phrases have ingrained themselves into our daily lexicon, cliches that ring true in seemingly every situation. In business, in sports, in life – a handy tool used to express our emotions when we can’t find the appropriate words to express how we feel in relation to the exact given situation we are in. So of course I turned to one of those tried and true hackneyed phrases this week when I heard some important news. As soon as I found out, I heard the words roll off my tongue – “I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave.” While I wasn’t talking about his butt, I was of course referring to the departure of Fred Vassuer from Alfa Romeo Orlen F1 to take the helm as team principal at Ferrari. The longtime Sauber man may be ingrained to the DNA of that team and his loss will surely detriment the Swiss outfit, but I’m excited to see what he can do at possibly the most storied racing franchise in recorded history. Yeah, that’s right, I’m cultured. Oh, also, those phrases can be applied to some of the games that happened this week in the NHL, or something. I don’t know. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. (That’s a Col. Sanders quote – Google it.)

The playoff race is coming down to the wire, and things are starting to become more clear in the Keenan division. Our first matchup saw playoff lock MagicMikeIII taking on the also front-running God’s Country. The performance from God’s Country was emblematic of their whole season thus far – regular standouts sliding, but enough support to keep them competitive. Carr and Abdullah may have underperformed and Tee Higgins was absent, but 20 from WR Donovan Peoples-Jones and 29 from the Pats D kept them in it. MagicMike certainly proved why they were the first team to lock in to the postseason, with 21 from WR Keenan Allen, 23 from RB Austin Ekeler, 25 from WR Tyreek Hill (who had a great fumble recovery TD) and 27 from QB Kirk Cousins. MM3 wins, 149-95, and with that victory they secure the Duke Of Sealand Cup for the Keenan Division. It wasn’t all despair for GC, however, as other results from around the league meant that there was still some victory in defeat, as they clinch a guaranteed playoff berth as a wildcard. All glory to God’s Country.

At the other end of the division, the already-eliminated Moonies were up to play both host and potential spoiler to Two Duncan Donuts. What wasn’t working in the Moonies favor was the underperformance of some key pieces and the no-show from the injured Kenneth Walker. QB Patrick Mahomes (20) and the Bills D (25) tried to shoulder the load, but it was to no avail. Yes, Foster Moreau had a goose egg, but Double D offered up twin twenty-ones from WR DJ Chark and surprise QB Brock Purdy (who?), to go along with 23 from WR Mike Williams. 2DD gets the win here, 123-96, as they get back to .500 and cling to playoff life.

In the tightly contested race for a possible playoff spot, Koo Fighters travelled to face down with the Destroyers in a blood feud. Both teams absolutely needed this win and no quarter would be given, meaning it was likely going to come down to the team doctors to keep their boys in the fight longer. KF must have spent more of their money on big name free-agents instead of sending their staff to good medical schools, as 3 players had early exits due to injury. At least RB James Conner (23) and WR DK Metcalf (18) didn’t come up lame, but compare that to the Destroyers, who clearly spent the extra cash for those M.D.’s from Johns Hopkins as none of their guys went to the blue medical tent. QB Joe Burrow and RB Ezekiel Elliot had twin 16s, while TE David Njoku added 18 and WR Jamarr Chase had 27 as a finishing blow to lead the Destroyers to a 113-93 victory. Yes, KF might still be a game up on both the Destroyers and Two Duncan Donuts, but they look vulnerable rolling in to the last week of the regular season.

In the Wayne, things are a little more murky. With no new victims and no new locks, Knute Rockme was up to do their best in a visit to the already dead Council of Steel. Perhaps proving why they’re in the position they’re in, the homer call for Kenny Pickett as well as the nod for Damien Lewis and Corey Davis netted a total of just 3 points and as many injury designations by 2 PM Eastern on Sunday. 28 for RB Miles Sanders, 22 for the Jets and 21 for WR Zay Jones at least kept this one interesting. Team Rockme’s healthy lineup was just too much to handle, however, and a pair of 17s from WRs AJ Brown and Tyler Lockett make a nice accompaniment for the performances of RB Derrick Henry (20), RB Tony Pollard (22), and QB Jared Goff (25), who appears to have reverted to 2018 form. Knute Rockme takes the win 135-101, and with it, moves into sole possession of first place in the Wayne Division.

Another foregone conclusion game saw the Nerd Herd hosting cellar-dwellers Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. The Herd might not have had a firm grasp on the division lead going in to this one, but they could rest easy with the confidence that QB Josh Allen (20) would lead them to victory. That easy rest turned in to a nightmare when the backs combined for just 9 and the 4 pass-catchers combined for 33 total points. Yikes. Eager at the chance to play spoiler and claw back a modicum of pride, MRLC turned to the 22 points provided by WR JuJu Smith-Schuster, 19 from WR Adam Thielen and 17 from QB Deshaun Watson to propel them to a shock 90-83 win. With that result, the Herd moves to .500, one game out from a playoff lock, but perhaps more importantly, MRLC gets to 4-10, moving them off the bottom step on a tiebreak.

Finally, BlahBlahBlah squared off against NoKe in what was sure to be a fierce battle, like crabs climbing out of a bucket. Both teams had a goose egg at the flex due to in-game injury – WR DJ Moore for BBB, and RB Jeff Wilson for NoKe. Both teams had a strong QB performance – 20 from BBB’s Justin Herbert, and 29 from NoKe’s Jaylen Hurts. Both teams had a 30+ point performer – TE Evan Engram (39, BBB) and WR Justin Jefferson (33, NoKe). Both teams had middling supporting performances. The devil was in the details, and the X-factor, once again, was BlahBlahBlah’s franchise cornerstone in RB Christian McCaffery who had 29 points to secure a 153-129 win. That result puts both teams at 7-7, and both one game out from the division lead and the guarantee of a playoff lock, along with a shot at the other as-of-yet-unclaimed Duke of Sealand Cup.

With the final week of the regular season bearing down on us like a freight train, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some teams have already started to dip into the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, while others will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory next week. We might have to burn some bridges as we get to them, but I just know that some of Week 15’s results will make me say out loud “That’s like putting down a salt lick and saying you ain’t got cows.” I may come to you with broken arms, but the show must go wrong, so it’s all water under the fridge. Check the wire as you make your last playoff pushes – one man’s garbage is another man person’s good un-garbage.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Chicanery.

That’s the first word that comes to mind when I look at the action from this past week of NHL fantasy football. Dirty tricks, technicalities, strange interpretations – all of the usual tactics implied by liars, thieves and lawyers. This season has been one of the most closely contested in league history, and I knew (and probably you did too) that going in to the last week of the regular season, there would be some weirdness going on. For God’s sake, we had an entire division that was still up in the air in Week 15, something that’s NEVER happened before in the NHL. To truly capture the atmosphere, and best explain how it all went down, I’ll need to depart from my usual writing and analysis style a week early, so just bear with me….

First, we need to set the stage. Let’s start by establishing the teams whose fates were already sealed. MagicMikeIII had already completed their charge to the front and locked down the Duke of Sealand Cup as the Keenan Division champion, guaranteeing a Top 2 berth in the postseason. Similarly, God’s Country had executed the feel-good story of the century, shedding their past as a backmarker and securing a ride into the dance as a wildcard. On the other side of the coin, the Moonies, Council of Steel, and Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child, after languishing at the bottom of their respective divisions for most of the year, already found themselves consigned to the bowels of playoff elimination, to the surprise of no one who has been reading the box scores since about Week 3.

In the Keenan, hope still existed for the Koo Fighters, Two Duncan Donuts, and the Destroyers. Good results in their matchups meant that they still had a chance to squeak in and give the division 3 representatives in the show – certainly a result that would be representative of the season so far. In the Wayne, however, things were still murky. Knute Rockme, Nerd Herd, NoKe and BlahBlahBlah were all still within a game of each other, and the close race and their relative proximity in record to the hopefuls from the Keenan meant that only one team could emerge as both the Wayne’s Duke of Sealand Cup winner and a lock for the playoffs. There would be a team in second, but it was no guarantee that they would advance.

There is one game we can immediately scratch off the list, that being the showdown between the aforementioned doomed teams of Council of Steel and Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child. This battle for nothing more than pure pride certainly embodied one team’s efforts this season, as MRLC made yet another set of questionable personnel decisions. When your best effort is 15 from QB Tua Tagovailoa and that’s backed up with 14 from Tennessee’s D, that really sets the stage. When your starters only outscore your bench by 11 with a 99-88 intrateam result, however, that just blasts the spotlight on how your franchise is being operated. Compare that to a bench score of just 4 for the Council, and I think you can guess the result of this one. CJS posted a 34-point game from WR Zay Jones, as well as 23 from RB David Montgomery and 20 from TE Travis Kelce, enroute to a commanding 132-99 victory, firmly banishing MRLC to last place in both the Wayne and the league.

While the stakes were almost equally low for both teams in our next matchup, the implications for the rest of league were not. The already-eliminated Moonies squared off against wildcard lock God’s Country in perhaps the final duel this year for family bragging rights, this time in the Holden clan. With both squads down a man, this 8v8 showdown had no love lost between father and child in a down-to-the-wire thriller. GC saw no reason to deviate from the plan they’ve followed all year, leaning on set pieces TE George Kittle (25) and RB AJ Dillon (21). Those performances were backed up by the usual consistency from Derek Carr and the Patriots defensive unit with 16 apiece. The Moonies also stuck to their established plan, looking to cornerstones QB Patrick Mahomes (31), RB Aaron Jones (20) and WR Jaylen Waddle (20) while praying for some luck. It was Other Aaron’s late efforts that clinched it, as the Moonies triumph, 113-112.

With those results, the battle lines had been drawn. Knute Rockme entered with a clear lead at 8-6, while the other three hopefuls sat at 7-7. With those four teams all set to do battle, not even the supercomputers at Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics could predict who would come out on top. In the Keenan, things were a bit more simple. A 9-6 record, equaling God’s Country, mathematically ensured a playoff berth. With only Koo Fighters in a position to do so, Two Duncan Donuts and the Destroyers knew that while whoever won their matchup might not be guaranteed to go on, the loser would certainly be eliminated. With that in mind, why don’t we take a look at that game.

With certain death awaiting the victim, the squads steeled themselves for battle. The Destroyers have used a set hierarchy all year, and this week was no exception, with QB Joe Burrow (20) leading the team accompanied by his right-hand man WR Jamarr Chase (19). Solid support performances from the Cowboys D and Ezekiel Elliott kept the Destroyers close, in the fight until the end. In stark contrast, Two Duncan Donuts pulled out the bag of tricks, starting once again with the surprise of QB Brock Purdy (16). Whizz, bang, here comes WR Michael Pittman with 19, and then the ultimate plot twist, the Lions D/ST with 25! As both teams stood bloodied and bruised, they eyed each other with equal parts contempt and despair, waiting to see who would blink first. Christian Watson’s 8 points were the killing blow, as Double D eliminates the Destroyers, 109-99. RIP Destroyers.

Let’s stay with the division, and review the matchup between the already crowned MagicMikeIII and the scrappy Koo Fighters. With KF needing a win to control their own destiny and secure a spot, they made a low (but still uncharacteristically high) number of waiver moves leading up this one, only for the front office to seemingly skive off a week early for holiday vacation and not make any adjustments to the starting lineup. RB Dalvin Cook (26), the Vikings D (21) and QB Dak Prescott (19) turned in their usual strong performances, but James Connor got the surprise start over season-long standout Rhamondre Stevenson, and new acquisition Tyler Allgier was left to rot. Magic Mike took the opportunity to demonstrate why they were the playoff favorites, with dazzling days from QB Kirk Cousins (32), WR Chris Godwin (22) and WR Tyreek Hill (21). MM3 gets another win, 142-121, leaving KF’s fate at 8-7 in the hands of the mathematicians.

In the Wayne, one of the two remaining matchups had pretty clear outcomes. For Knute Rockme, win, and you’re in. For NoKe, lose, and you’re out. Spoiler alert, they got them backwards. Team Rockme had their expected strong outings from RB Derrick Henry, who had 23 points, and WR AJ Brown, who notched 27. Goff, St. Brown and Pollard all had decent showings as well, but could have done more to punch their ticket. NoKe, on the other hand, had a standout day from QB Jalen Hurts (37), who took his last name so literally that we won’t be seeing him again this year. WR Justin Jefferson was also up to his usual tricks with a 30-point day, and the Eagles D were no slouches with 22 of their own. NoKe takes this one 147-130, meaning at 8-7 apiece, the number crunchers would have to sort this one out.

Finally, BlahBlahBlah went on the road against Nerd Herd in what I’m going to call the Thunderdome Tilt. Two teams enter, one team leaves…in a body bag. The opposite of “win and you’re in,” the only guarantee here was that the loser goes home empty-handed. The B’s jumped out to an early lead, riding the performance of team captain RB Christian McCaffery (25). WR Devonta Smith (17) fit nicely into a support role, as did Najee Harris and Evan Engram, but the late efforts of Herbert and Palmer meant the door was open for the Herd. Building on the 32-point effort from QB Justin Herbert, the Cardinals D (17) and RB Saquon Barkley (22) joined the rush as the Herd came thundering through to take the victory, 117-104. While their fate remained up in the air, it guaranteed the end for the B’s. RIP BlahBlahBlah.

So, with all that said and done, the Bellyash Sports Bureau busted out the slide rulers and got to mathematizing.

-          In the Wayne, Knute Rockme, Nerd Herd, and NoKe all stood at 8-7. The pencil pushers peeked at the tiebreaking procedures, and the three-way jam was cleared by the total number of points scored this year, advancing the Rockme boys as division champions and the winners of the Duke of Sealand Cup. All glory to Knute Rockme.

-          In the Keenan, 3rd place was a dead heat between the Koo Fighters and Two Duncan Donuts, also both at 8-7. That two horse race came down to the head-to-head record, which left the Koo Fighters on top for 3rd in the division, but Two Duncan Donuts still clung to wildcard hope.

-          That left Koo Fighters, Two Duncan Donuts, Nerd Herd and NoKe, all at 8-7, squabbling over the final wildcard spot. Once again, the tie was broken with Points For for the season, meaning NoKe, with 1,864, squeaked in to the final spot. All glory to NoKe.

-          This means that despite recent good results, this was the end of the line for 2DD and the Herd. A valiant effort in vain. RIP Two Duncan Donuts. RIP Nerd Herd. Perhaps even more painful, though, was the abrupt exit of Koo Fighters, who after being on or near the top of the division for most of the year, YET AGAIN find themselves on the wrong end of a multi-game slide at the absolute worst time of the season. RIP Koo Fighters (stop imitating the 2011 Red Sox, you f***ing idiot). That’s the 3rd year in a row they’ve pulled this shit. Great, they beat NH and 2DD on head-to-head for 5th, aka first loser, who cares. Sell the team.

-          In less relevant news, the Destroyers and BlahBlahBlah were deadlocked at 7-8. Their head-to-head record decided that in favor of BlahBlahBlah. A hollow victory, as the Destroyers get the better 2023 draft pick out of the whole deal.

So, with the dust settling, the 2022 NHL playoffs begin in earnest. #1 MagicMike….err, sorry, breaking news, we’ve got a franchise rename in honor of a late great. #1 Franco’s Italian Army goes to war with #4 NoKe, the defending champs looking to go three straight. #2 Knute Rockme will host #3 God’s Country in the Cinderella Showdown. However, it’s not all over yet. Koo Fighters, Nerd Herd, Two Duncan Donuts, BlahBlahBlah, Destroyers, the Family Feder…Moonies, Council of Steel, and Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child are all automatically entered in to the Dash For Cash, this year brought to you by Edison Performance Dynamics, proud new owners of popular microblogging site Twaddle. Things are starting to heat up, so maybe don’t throw that extra log on the fireplace this weekend – otherwise Santa can’t get down your flue-pipe-come-chimney.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

As we come bearing down to the final week of NHL Fantasy Football, a chill is in the air. Canadian Santa, resplendent in his red denim two-piece ensemble, stood astride his magic flying Polaris snowmobile, a huge Canadian Tire paper sack slung over his shoulder, as he cruised into town in a blast of cold wind and two-stroke fumes. There were a few good girls and boys who got small gifts and trinkets – a new set of skates here, a case of pepperoni there – but most folks found themselves on the naughty list and were unprepared for the consequences. Their punishment? Not a lump of coal, that goes for about $14 US and can heat your trailer for a day or two, that would actually be welcome. Nope, huge snowdrifts, courtesy of St. Nick himself, leaving holiday travelers stranded across the continent as roads were blocked, flights were cancelled, and regular-season pro curling was force-fed to captive audiences on TV’s across the land. A few lucky folks found snow chains in their stockings this year and braved the elements, but for many, it looks like they might be spending the final days of the year in Terminal 4 or Aunt Mabel’s guest room instead of at home. Maybe next year you’ll clean up your act.

Of course, the holiday season is all about giving, and you’ll likely see many stories this time of year about generosity from the community as those more fortunate extend a hand out to members of their community. The NHL is no different, and the playoffs mean two things around here – a four-team fight for the title, and an 8-team bloodbath for a few pennies rolling in to the new year. This annual tradition always piques the interest of the morbidly curious, so let’s take a look at the 2022 Dash For Cash, brought to you by Edison Performance Dynamics.

8. Nerd Herd – 83. Hard to believe a team posting 26 from RB Saquon Barkley, 20 from QB Josh Allen and 17 from WR Jerry Jeudy would find themselves with the low score this week, but it’s a Christmas anti-miracle. Hunter Henry’s flight was delayed a few days early, and the Broncos were so bad they were better off just staying home for the holidays, scoring -1. Ouch.

7. Council of Steel – 86. When QB Daniel Jones is your highlight with 19 points, it’s safe to assume you were on the naughty list this year. TE Travis Kelce had 17, but that wasn’t enough to salvage this one. With all 5 RB/WR positions combining for just 26, maybe this team is just taking a rest to get ready to celebrate Kwanzaa instead.

6. Two Duncan Donuts – 91. Yes, RB Joe Mixon had 17, but next year, maybe ask for some more ambitious presents. QB Brock Purdy (15) is cool, and Nick Chubb and Mike Williams (11 both) are useful, but it’s ok to ask for that new Xbox or pony too.

5. Koo Fighters – 101. Talk about a fall from grace. From head of the Keenan to fighting for table scraps, 24 points from RB James Connor is a flash of what this team is capable of, but there were an awful lot of disappointments on Christmas morning for this squad. 17 from WR Terry McLaurin made a nice stocking stuffer, at least.

4. Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child – 113. They say family should be together at the holidays, so it’s no surprise that we find our other co-commish next on the list. 34 from WR CeeDee Lamb was a very welcome surprise, so at least the wife and kids picked out one good present. The 19 points from Devin Singletary fits well enough, and the 18-point game from K Brett Maher that you just ordered for yourself because you forgot to put it on your list showed up just in time to salvage a decent day for this group.

3. the Moonies – 119. Now we’re getting somewhere, as last year’s Dash For Cash winner has put themselves in a good position to repeat their triumph. 23 from QB Patrick Mahomes, 24 from Buffalo D, and 25 from WR Jaylen Waddle made this one a pretty happy holiday under the tree for the Moonies. Their ultimate holiday wish, however – the reunification of Korea – remained unfulfilled. It’s gonna take more than a magic man in a red suit to make that one happen.

2. Destroyers – 127. One or two big presents, and a few more small things – that was the formula for a happy holiday in my household as a kid. Granted, I had to share the pack of airplane bottles Santa brought me with my little brother and my mom, but I digress. 23 from QB Joe Burrow and 30 from the resurgent Packers D were the highlights in this one, with a smattering of thoughtful touches from Uncle Zeke and Cousin Eddy (Pineiro).

1. BlahBlahBlah – 140. All in all, a pretty good Christmas haul, with 31 points from WR Devonta Smith being the main attraction. 26 from the Texans D, along with 19 from WR DJ Moore and 18 from TE Evan Engram rounded out the gifts for this one. With that strong result, the B’s are in the best shape to take home bragging rights and a few bucks as the Dash For Cash victors.

With that settled, we focus on the narrowing funnel of the playoff race. Wayne Division champs Team Rockme played host to wildcard God’s Country in a duel to see who could complete their own personal Cinderella story. Both teams, founding members of the league, have had strong results in years past, but more recent inconsistent results and struggles have seemed to be the norm for both squads in more recent history. GC had stood atop the Keenan for most of the season, a pleasant surprise for all involved, while the scrappy Rockme boys had battled their way up the order to claim glory in the final hour. God’s Country had some good presents like 30 points from TE George Kittle, 29 from the Patriots and 26 from WR Tee Higgins, but the efforts of Carr, Adams and DPJ probably felt like opening socks on the big day. Knute Rockme, by comparison, only got one or two big presents from the family, namely 35 from TE TJ Hockenson and 25 from QB Jared Goff, but they got all the extra parts and the batteries to go with them, as every single player posted double digits. All that added up to a 173-127 victory for the Rockers, who advance on to the dance and bring about an end to GC’s hopes. It’s ok, Todd Squad – the Easter Bunny is still real. RIP God’s Country.

There was, of course, one other game for the family to sit around and ignore while they sipped eggnog and cleaned up the wrapping paper. The number 1 seed carried pride into this matchup, borrowing the NIL rights of a legend and hoping it would inspire victory in his honor. Newly rebadged Franco’s Italian Army hosted wildcard NoKe, who slipped in to the postseason at the absolute last moment, clinging to the hope that they could advance enroute to becoming the first-ever 3-time NHL champs and defend their title. NoKe jumped out to an early lead, riding the moustache of QB Gardiner Minshew (22) and the hands of WR Justin Jefferson before Uncle Lenny Fournette pulled his 25-point present out of the closet after dinner. FIA had a similar Christmas schedule – patriarch QB Kirk Cousins got his 23-point turkey on the table early, and the Ravens had all 20 of their one-point sides ready to go, but the big family dinner wasn’t complete until the Jewish side showed up late, when RB Austin Ekeler brought his 23 latkes and WR Keenan Allen had 21 little sacks of gelt for dessert. After everyone had their fill, they sat around and totted up the thank-you note list – 129 reasons for FIA to be grateful, and a very close 123 for NoKe. The number one seed advances, and NoKe will not be triple champs this year. RIP NoKe.

So, who could have seen this one coming? Playoff seeds 1 and 2 face off for the Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year Award, while numbers 3 and 4 face off for a better share of prize money and bragging rights. The rest of the outsiders looking in the window at the dinner table are all climbing over each other to see who can get the OTHER consolation prize, so you know what that means. It may be the last week of the season, but it’s not over yet. Next week brings the most competitive season of NHL action ever to a close…assuming everyone can get a flight home.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

I usually open these with some levity or some tale of woe from my personal life, but I simply can’t do that this week. The football world, both fantasy and not, has certainly taken its fair share of beatings recently, both in a PR and a literal sense, but given the recent goings-on I would be remiss to not at least touch on what happened in the Bengals-Bills game. It’s always a dark day when a brother falls in battle, and the football world hasn’t seen an incident like this since the Ryan Shazier incident. Recent history has seen football especially be the focus of notable problems directly related to head injuries, but when you look at names like Junior Seau, Wade Belak, Ryan Freel and Dave Mirra, or even guys like Joe Theismann, Chris Pronger, Jake Brown, and Bryan Danielson, there’s no denying it – sports can be dangerous. The news coming from the Buffalo organization and the medical team in Cincinnati in recent days is very good, and a huge collective sigh of relief went up from the sports world with each recent development. The league sends its best wishes to the Hamlin family and we are all hoping for a speedy recovery. This medium doesn’t offer me a great way to acknowledge it, but out of respect, I’ll do my best to avoid mentioning affected players and outcomes from this week of NHL play. Yes, perhaps one or two of our outcomes were affected in terms of rankings, but nothing that would have made any kind of meaningful difference, so I won’t be taking the mickey out of any owners that felt the results of that game…some things are bigger than football.

With that out of the way, I only have one writing style, and that’s derision, but please don’t be confused – we could all use a bit of laughter right now, but it’s in no means intended to be disrespectful in light of what has happened. Yes, it’s good to take some time and think about what we put human beings through for the sake of our own entertainment, but it’s also good to wind down a bit and look at the lighter side of things, so without any more grandstanding, let’s get right into it.

Starting things off with the Dash For Cash brought to you by Edison Performance Dynamics, the 8 eliminated teams scrapped for who would take home bragging rights and a few shekels. Some teams were clearly out, while some were still fighting for hope to maintain some semblance of pride. Starting from the bottom –

#8 – Nerd Herd – 73 (156 total). Those that could go did their best, but with this team already starting from the bottom of the pile, those efforts were in vain. RB Jamaal Williams (22) and TE Tyler Conklin (14) had nice outings in what amounted to a showcase game, but it was too little too late for the Herd.

#7 – Council of Steel – 90 (176 total). Another team facing down futility, there were just too many single-digit scores for this squad. QB Daniel Jones did have a career day with 35 points, justifying the benching of in-house favorite Kenny Pickett, but that was the lone bright spot for this embattled group.

#6 – Koo Fighters – 82 (183 total). This team finds themselves slipping down the charts a spot after last week’s decent showing. They may have put themselves in a good position, but with 15 points coming from QB Dak Prescott as the high water mark, this team did not do enough to factor in to relevance. This is a squad that’s been underpowered all year, and it really showed in this matchup.

#5 – Two Duncan Donuts – 96 (187 total). A pair of Michaels in WRs Pittman and Williams brought twin 16s at the spot, new prize QB Brock Purdy added 18 and the Lions D put in work, adding 21 to help 2DD climb the ranks a little bit more at the end of the year.

#4 – Destroyers – 101 (228 total). This team was really effected by the CIN/BUF game, so it’s unfair to give them grief for their performance in this one. This squad still managed a great final tally, marked with 25 from WR Amari Cooper and a very impressive 41 from a dominant Packer D. This is absolutely a case of what if, as this team was really on the right track for a killer performance.

#3 – the Moonies – 124 (243 total). Another team that was in a good position to challenge, despite some good efforts from this squad they just found themselves overcome by the competition. 24 from QB Patrick Mahomes and 26 from WR Brandon Aiyuk were really nice showpieces in this lineup this week, that despite their best efforts found themselves taken down one peg in the standings. Overall, not too shabby.  

#2 – Mr. Rodgers’ Love Child – 141 (254 total). MRLC shoots up the rankings this week on the back of a very strong performance, led by the immortal Touchdown Tommy (37 points) who despite his advanced age, continues to put up games for the record books. A 27 point Jags D got Duval all fired up, and 21 from WR CeeDee Lamb was another great showing here to compliment 19 from TE Mark Andrews. No Dandre Swift in this one, that really could have put this team within the ballpark of striking it rich.

#1 – BlahBlahBlah – 160 (300 total). For the second year in a row, the killer B’s have shown themselves to be best of the rest. After jumping out to an early lead last week, this squad cemented their grasp on the cash with a dominant performance. RB Christian McCaffery led the way with 31, WR DJ Moore had 23, RB Jerrick McKinnon had 22, and WR DJ Smith and RB Najee Harris both had 20 in a very impressive game for this franchise. My congratulations, and it is my distinct pleasure to announce that in addition to the monetary prize, this year’s Dash For Cash winner also receives a free year of Twaddle Premium, complete with a green check mark on their account and the ability to criticize up to two (2) corporate CEO’s or politicians every 6 months! Congratulations!

Now that that’s settled, let’s get down to the meat and potatoes of the final week of NHL action, starting off with the bronze medal matchup between no-longer-defending champs NoKe and God’s Country. While NoKe now knew they wouldn’t be holding on to their crown, they still wanted to fight for a spot on that podium and keep at least THAT streak alive. While Minshew, the mustachioed mullet, wasn’t able to drive the scoring, TE Dalton Shultz with his 24 points and RB Travis Etienne with 23 led the team to a position where they were able to challenge for 3rd place. God’s Country, having been spurned from the chance for championship glory, looked to still show that this season’s performance was no fluke and prove to all that they belonged to be there. Despite missing out on Tee Higgins, 20 points from the Patriots D was a welcome addition, as the team pinned all their hopes on a 34 point performance from WR Davante Adams. This was a hard fought battle, but when the dust settled, God’s Country emerged the victors with a 113-104 result, securing 3rd place and a very nice finish to a strong season for this franchise.

Finally, our last game of the year. The grand prize. The big kahuna. The game that would decide the 2022 owner of the Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year Award. The – dare I say it? The Superb Bowl. A showdown between two veterans, both invoking the name of a great in the sport. The challenger, Knute Rockme, a franchise that has survived now 3 different iterations of this group, dating back to the dark ages of the Nerve Center, tried and battle tested. The favorite, Franco’s Italian Army, coming off a dominant season in which they finished an amazing seven-game run of success. In the early going, this one was close, with only 6 points separating the two sides. Team Rockme offered strong performance from QB Jared Goff (21) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (19) to keep things close, while the Giants D (23) and WR Chris Godwin (21) offered their support in the name of Mr. Franco. The Army then found another gear, however, and screamed to the lead, buoyed by the performances of TE Darren Waller (16), RB Josh Jacobs (18), and an outstanding effort from RB Austin Ekeler (31). It wasn’t too long before the confetti fell, and Franco’s Italian Army, otherwise known as MagicMikeIII, were crowned as champions for the first time, pointing up at the scoreboard that showed them as the victors, 160-97 in a game where the final result mattered most.

Well NHL faithful, that does it for old Atom. The permafrost has long since set in, the pipes have been cleared as the should be, and my trailer home has been battened down for the season. With the border having been reopened this year and my name cleared from previous incidents, it should be a painless (if not long) trek down to my winter quarters in the deserts of Arizona. Of course, once again, I have nary but a few loonies and toonies in my pocket to fund my southern excursion, so the backseat of my truck is once again full of jars of Aunt Mabel’s bathtub gin, some to keep the shakes away and some for me to sell off as I travel. If you see me on my travels, feel free to flag me down and buy a few – the taste may be awful, but the effects are worth it, and you’ll be putting food in my belly and diesel in my tank. Don’t you worry about me, I’ll head back to the Great White North in time for next season – once it thaws out, of course. Until then, you can find me soaking up some rays and collecting dirt on NHL execs from my spot in the Southwest – after all, there’s not a group I’d rather be covering year in and year out. Until then, Godspeed.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider