• Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman

  • The Commissioner and President of the National Holley League. Read more about him here, or learn more about the founding of the league here.

• Atom Shuffler

  • Born and raised in Kamloops, British Columbia, not much is known about Atom’s early life beyond what he’s shared in snippets throughout his weekly diatribes over the years. What is certain is that he got his big break initially as a local sports reporter covering the Sutherland Curling Club for the Saskatoon daily rag The StarPhoenix, during their 1984 run to a victory in the Tournament of Hearts. Averaging at least a pack and a half of darts per day (typically Player’s Smooth) and most of a bottle of Alberta Premium, Atom’s low-buck, rather nomadic lifestyle has led to many fascinating anecdotes throughout the years, many of which are evidenced below in this extensive list of fun facts:

    • Current Residence – Regina, SK. Summer Residence - Sun City, AZ.

    • Bears a passing resemblance to a much older and weathered Adam Schefter, like Atom could be his alcoholic great-uncle.

    • Criminal Record:

      • Tax Evasion (finally arrested in October 2025, extradition was declined)

      • Otherwise undetermined criminal/wildlife offense, involving carrier pigeons. Charges brought in Edmonton Crown Court in late October 2022.

      • Possible illegal border crossing attempt (was detained by US Customs and Border Patrol in November 2019 while heavily intoxicated)

    • Divorced at least once. His now ex-father-in-law, Bob, likes to come up and visit during American Thanksgiving, to then have American Thanksgiving and also deer hunt. Bob’s new wife, Kathy, is super annoying and is terrified of being eaten by a moose. 

    • Fan of ISIS, the Boston metal band, and was BOP cellmates in 2019 with Jeff Caxide, former frontman

    • Plays beer league hockey as a goalie since 2013, because it requires the least amount of skating

    • Wears glasses 

    • Plays in a Tuesday night darts league

    • Competes in the Saskatchewan Celtic Games, as well as the First Nations annual competitive moose hunt and wrangle

    • Keeps or kept a Montreal-based bookie, who was willing to drive all the way to SK to shake him down for unpaid bets 

    • Scuba dives, or at least owns scuba diving equipment

    • An initial investor in the “BellTech Moose”, a Canadian start-up that manufactures electric cars. Atom invested CAD$5,000 and received a pre-production model, which ran out of “battricity” in four days. It’s unclear if he knows that he has to recharge the car.

    • Has an undetermined heart condition (probably angina) for which he takes nitroglycerin pills 

    • Once set a trap in the woods to knock upcountry degens off their sleds (specifically degens from Spiritwood), which he disguised as a tree stand and deer skinning shack

    • As of early 2023, Atom earns CAD$226 and an undetermined amount of elk meat from the league for each article he publishes

    • Had a dog named Captain Fantasmo as a child

    • Favorite musical artists – Celene Dion and the La Coste sisters 

    • Twaddle/Y - @TotallyNotCrazyAtomShuffler 

    • Atom has an official fan club, the members of which he's named the "Atomic FissionHeads".

    • Atom's assorted unofficial titles:

      • BSPN NHL insider and AWUCSG president emeritus

      • BSPN NHL Heavyweight Champion Of The World

      • BSPN travel correspondent/NHL insider (**Click this link to redeem your offer for 30% off a Sealand travel vacation holiday package!**) 

      • Federal BOP inmate #8675309

• Dr. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

  • After receiving his doctorate from the University of American Samoa and becoming the head of the league medical office, Dr. Toboggan was additionally appointed as the NHL’s official Virus Czar in 2020, before being fired at the end of the season for medical malpractice. After leaving us all with his iconic warning – “(Don’t) Catch The Bug!”, he dropped off the radar for a few years, before being hired back by the league after applying for his still-vacant position while wearing a set of those novelty glasses with a plastic nose and moustache attached, which he still is forced to wear to work every day lest his true identity be revealed.

• Iman Charge-Now (NHL Chief Legal Analyst) 

  • Despite his lofty title, the league’s head honcho of the Legal department is actually an underpaid paralegal from a local Regina ambulance-chaser’s office, just looking to pick up some quick cash on the side. Likely due in large part to his lack of experience (because he’s not actually a practicing Canadian barrister or solicitor), the NHL has faced a litany of legal problems over the years, which they’ve just barely managed to escape from with some good luck and smooth talking.

• Bounty Hunter Willy

  • His services occasionally commissioned directly by the league, this blond mullet-rocking wildcard is possibly the only person known to the NHL front office whose lunacy matches or exceeds Atom’s, which is perhaps why Willy is the only one they turn to when Atom drops off the grid and needs to be located. First contracted in 2023, Willy’s services through his one-man office, Easy Way Out Bail Bonding, have proved invaluable to the league and the Canadian public, successfully returning Atom to the custody of several local and federal American enforcement agencies from which he absconded, as well as back to the border more than once to turn Atom over to the RCMP. While no one is sure if he’s a true native of Florida, he certainly exudes Florida Man energy and is typically spotted filming his social media “show” throughout the Sunshine State, always wearing his signature bulletproof vest and no shirt. 

• M.L./L.L. Piper

  • His contract carried over from the NESBN buyout, Mr. Piper first appeared as part of NHL coverage during the 2019 season, having to fill in for Atom on a temporary basis. With a high level of expertise in draft evaluation and projection established over a 20+ year career, his analytical eye has made him possibly the most respected draft-specific analyst in the fantasy game, and his contributions, as infrequent as they are, typically offer a level of insight far beyond what the common man can glean. No one really knows what his first initials stand for, nor can they agree on what they even are, as he’s referred to himself interchangeably as both “M.L.” and “L.L.” over the years. Frequently seen alongside his two iconic props – the Big Bored and the Little Red Marker – no one can mark up the same flipchart for three weeks in a row on regional sports television quite like this guy.

• "Mean" Gene Oakerlund

  • After a long and storied career in the professional wrestling/“sports entertainment” world, Mr. Oakerlund’s passing was announced to the public in early 2019. In what was initially a dark secret, however, Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman made a backdoor deal with distant family members to have Gene transferred to the same cryonic preservation facility as Walt Disney, so that he could be revived at the behest of the league in the event that his services would be needed in case of journalistic emergency. Not too long after, “Mean” Gene had his first guest spot in weekly NHL coverage, typically being thawed from his otherwise peaceful cryo-sleep at least once a year to give Atom a week off work.

• Matthieu Baie

  • An aggressively Quebecois analyst, M. Baie joined the BSPN writing family in late 2025. Matthieu does three things extremely well – he makes a mean poutine that’s always a hit at company potlucks, he takes every opportunity to campaign for a Free Quebec, and he brings such a high philosophical level of understanding the fantasy game to the table that he has become the first and only meta fantasy football writer. Monsieur Baie’s subscription-based weekly mailer, Monde Fantastique, contains multi-level analysis for those who play fantasy fantasy football (his own creation), a form of the sport where scoring is done based on how well players perform in an owner’s preferred fantasy league as opposed to the real world. Matthieu’s services are frequently farmed out at a more basic level to most of the major sports publishers, but following his split with French-language RDM (Réseau De Mensonges) he began regularly contributing to BSPN.

• Ron Briquette 

  • Local beat reporter Ron Briquette is probably the only sane person taking a BSPN paycheck, hustling between the various team facilities based throughout Virginia, home to the highest concentration of league franchises. Ron constantly strives to give nearly-up-to-the-minute updates and late-breaking news (no really, he usually breaks the news late) back to Atom, who then promptly claims that he heard about it first due his “insider” status and takes all the credit.

Aunts/Uncles/etc.

• Aunt Mabel - a noted home distilling enthusiast, known to produce her signature bathtub gin, as well as chokecherry "firewater", mulberry and gooseberry wine, and elderberry cobbler (the cobbler is terrible). 

• Aunt Mildred - died in mid-2017, leaving some stick furniture to Atom in her will, which he broke up and burned to survive the winter after his power was cut off for not paying the bills. Aunt Mildred somehow died again in 2018, and willed Atom an already-made boysenberry fruitcake, which he ate as part of his American Thanksgiving celebrations that year.

• Aunt Madeline - known for her "Cherry Jubilee" holiday hooch, a big hit at Christmas.

• Aunt Gertrude - dabbles in making acorn wine, but is best known as the 14-time pumpkin catapulting champion of Saskatoon, SK. Married to Uncle Billy, and mother to Billy Jr. and Bobby.

• Aunt Ethyl - neighbors with a farmer who routinely grows 30+ kg oversized pumpkins, which she buys from him before carving them to look like Canadian celebrities, most notably Alanis Morisette and Gordie Howe. Refuses to talk to Gertrude because of the catapult thing. 

• Aunt Doris - helps Atom make his moose jerky. 

• Uncle Yom - builds and races iceboats, and has his son Donny "help out". Yom is in a blood feud with the entire state of Minnesota for some reason, so he typically competes in the Euro championship or the national Canadian Cup instead of Western region races. 

• Uncle Roger  - the owner of a johnboat converted to run on an old snowmobile engine for extra speed, Roger used to run moonshine upriver to the local First Nations reservation, earning him enough money to buy a vacation trailer on Prince Edward Island. He’s also the local mailman.

• Grandpa Tony and the in-laws from Winnipeg - no further information.

Cousins

• Ricky, who Atom sometimes refers to as his neighbor instead of his cousin (they do live next door to each other), is possibly the only other person with as many anecdotes as Atom himself. Here's the highlights:

  • Capable of drinking two cases of Labatt's at Thanksgiving

  • Likes to set up an extra tree stand on phone poles next to the main road into town, so that he can shoot upcountry degens off their snowmobiles with a BB gun when they try to come drink in town on Friday nights 

  • Hit a moose with his truck and then claimed he hunted it. Got moose pox the next week, probably from the same moose.

  • Typically drives down to Montana every year to get fireworks for Halloween/All Hallows Eve. Favorite purchase – “Big Blast Boom-Boom Explod-a-ganza.” 

  • Arrested in 2025 by the RCMP for gambling-related sports tampering of National Lacrosse League Games 

  • Unbeknownst to him, Atom has been stealing cable from him so that he can watch wrestling on TNT

  • Shot a different moose through his window during a gun cleaning accident

  • Owns two decomissioned rental box trucks that he uses to house his grow-op

  • Spliced power into Atom's trailer from another unknown neighbor

• Eddie - came to visit during American Thanksgiving 2019 and can eat a whole turkey in a single sitting.

• Billy Jr. – got launched from a pumpkin catapult by his mother Gertrude once, and exclusively listens to Rush and Sebastian Bach except when smoking hash with his brother.

• Bobby – Billy Jr.’s brother, who smokes hash a lot and loves The Smashing Pumpkins.

• Donny – son of Yom. Is a bit “compartmentalized” and doesn’t actually help with the boat, just stands in the shop and coils up rope. Also ripped all the copper pipe out of the league satellite office once to resell for scrap for beer/pepperoni money.

• Jack – lives in Montana, but ran bootleg cable all the way over the border into SK so Atom could watch other sporting events.

• Terry – used a chainsaw to scare kids on Halloween “Jason”-style, but forgot to take the chain off the saw and accidentally cut down a branch that fell on him as well as mailman Roger’s mail Jeep. 

• Myra – a resident of Des Moines, IA, she makes a delicious green bean casserole.

• Denny - Atom's third cousin and a practicing dentist in Alberta.

• Randy (might actually be Ricky, but we're not sure) – has a pet goat named Rufus that he tried to get elected as the comptroller of Dalmeny, SK, and steals catalytic converters and copper pipes from buildings.

• Tom (cousin-in-law) – the town constable, who keeps telling Atom to stop screaming and throwing empty liquor bottles at upcountry degens when he sees them around town.

Neighbors

• Dave – known for making “bathtub firewater.”

• Mrs. La Betioc – makes bogberry fruit cake.

• Marcel – converted his mother-in-law’s single-wide trailer into a man cave, complete with functional bowling alley.

• Jaques – runs a numbers game out of Marcel’s bowling alley trailer.

• Guy – owns a 1974 GMC ScenicCruiser 26’ edition, which he sometimes loans to Atom to take road trips in.

• Darren – former cable TV repairman, now fixes “black boxes” in the trailer park so everyone can enjoy free stolen satellite TV.

• Theo – a teller at the local bank, but also the town bookie. Specializes in lines on games in the CFL, QMJHL, and on pro curling.

• Nanuuk – is Inuit.

• Leaky and Pete – former classmates of Atom at the Nokomis Tech School. Haven’t been heard from since the mid-90’s until 2025, when they accidentally set an iceberg on fire trying to turn it into their own private island at the behest of Duke Harold.

• Donnie – previously committing welfare fraud by claiming he was wheelchair-bound, in 2021 Canadian authorities caught him 30 feet up in a tree stand hunting deer after he left his wheelchair at the bottom. When confronted, he claimed he was disabled and couldn’t climb down, so wildlife enforcement shot him with a tranquilizer dart, causing him to fall out of the tree. Donnie is now actually wheelchair-bound as a result and receives more benefits than before.

Others

• Bottle Kids - a roving pack of feral youths who call the trailer park home, their favorite activities include throwing glass bottles at Atom and Atom's trailer, vandalizing Atom's trailer, and vandalizing Atom's trailer while throwing glass bottles at it and any unfortunate passers-by. If Atom isn't around, they'll settle for throwing glass bottles at any moving car or person on a bicycle that they see.

• Upcountry Degens - during the warmer months, they're usually too busy choring on thier agricultural properties, but once the cold weather rolls around, hordes of unsophisticated and unruly farm hands from many kilometers north flock to the area and fill up the local watering holes - drinking all the beer, flirting with all the barmaids, and clogging most of the bar urinals with dip spit, much to the chagrin of those who live in town 365 days a year. Atom has a particular hatred for the degens from Spiritwood for two reasons - one, they all ride two-stroke snowmobiles and the fumes give him a headache, and two, the girl he was supposed to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance in Grade 10 showed up on the arm of a young Spiritwood hay slinger, and he's never gotten over it.

• Harold Bates, Duke of Sealand - The illegitimate child of Prince Roy of Sealand, Harold continues to maintain that he is the true heir to the Sealandic throne. His Grace has continually been a significant benefactor to the league throughout the years, once donating a pair of gilded cups to the league’s founders for their military and intelligence services to the Principality (which have since become divisional trophies named in his honor), and his frequent cash infusions have kept the league afloat through the thinner years.