2025

“Well, you know, Mean Gene...” It’s been many a year since we’ve heard that iconic phrase from the Hulkster himself, but it’s one that we’ll never have the pleasure of hearing again. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, “Mean” Gene Oakerlund with you once again, revived from cryogenic stasis to fill in for Atom Shuffler on his bye week. The squared circle lost one of the greats recently, as the Hulkster himself, Terry Gene Bolea, known to you and I as the great Hulk Hogan, went on to challenge for that celestial heavyweight world championship belt in the sky. One of the greatest personalities of the industry, The Real American won six world titles and graced our airwaves for years, decked out in his trademark bleach blond skullet and Fu Manchu. Before the pay-per-view card started last night, the timekeeper honored Mr. America with a 21-bell salute. Rest easy, brother.

Our first match of the night was always supposed to be a squash match against enhancement talent, but despite the booker’s plans, the developmental call-up went into business for himself and gave the crowd quite the thrill. Dominant faction Franco’s Italian Army squared off against new tag team Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center, who have been saddled with a foreigner/scientist gimmick that I don’t quite understand. The boys from the desert certainly did well for themselves, with QB Matthew Stafford (27) battering the opposition with a Persian club, and the Patriots D/ST (36) keeping at least one opponent in a Camel Clutch at all times for the first half of the match. RB Travis Etienne (19) and RB Treveyon Henderson (14) also pulled off a nice Swirling Sands in the corner. Angered by the deviation from the called plan in the back, the Francophiles abandoned the planned spots and went in all heavy, starting with TE Jake Ferguson (17) and QB Bo Nix (26) leveling their opponents with a pair of Roman Lariats. The Seahawks D/ST (30) and WR George Pickens (33) laid in some heavy leather, and WR Puka Nacua (36) sent the upstarts packing with The Cobra to end the match. The Francophiles take a dominant win, 192-147, earning them the  (complete with a signed photo of Dwayne himself) and keeping them The Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award and keeping them firmly in the heavyweight title picture.

Next up, Hillbilly Blitz brought their barroom brawling style to take on urban warriors Notorious P.I.G. An early ref bump allowed Blitz WR Drake London to dump his trashcan of 25 weapons into the ring, with the Texans D/ST (24) favoring the kendo sticks especially. QB Baker Mayfield (18) preferred using the trashcan itself, but P Michael Dickson (-1) was just left with the trashcan lid, leading to a mishap where he accidentally clocked WR Darnell Mooney, injuring him and taking him out of the match. The Notorious Ones paid homage to Cryme Tyme with a big G9 combo from WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (26) and the Commanders D/ST (24), while RB Javonte Williams (18) executed a perfect swinging neckbreaker. QB Jalen Hurts (16) and WR Rome Odunze (16) hit a pair of splashes in the corner to put this one away, 144-102, keeping P.I.G. undefeated and certainly the number one contender for the belt.

Rank underdogs and fan favorite Nerd Herd brought their bookworm gimmick to face off against the musically themed Rockme Mama in the following contest. The Herd had some good offense early, with RB Bucky Irving (25) hitting the Critical Confirmation right at the opening bell, and the Bills D/ST (19) following up quickly with the Limit Break. After that brief flurry, however, the Nerds were a little buried in their books, allowing Team Rockme to take control of the match. WR Davante Adams laid in 15 chops in the corner, before a little Shake, Rattle and Roll came courtesy of RB Bijan Robinson (25). It was the Lions D/ST (42) that really put the exclamation point on this one, landing the famous El Kabong guitar smash to knock out the opponents and score the pinfall, 140-105 for Rockme Mama, who sit at a handy 3-1 in the tag team tournament.

Next on the card, the young bucks of NoKe faced off against the Council in their signature Council Of Steel Cage Match. As soon as the refs locked the gate closed, the Council set about dishing out punishment, with the Titans D/ST (19) immediately taking the action onto the apron and driving their opponents into the steel catwalk around the ring. RB James Cook (21) and WR Quentin Johnson (23) repeatedly slammed their foes face-first into the cage walls and steel steps, leaving them battered and bruised. RB Ashton Jeanty (32) though he had it all sewn up, climbing up the chain-link walls after an opponent, before throwing him clean off the top and through the Spanish announce table below. NoKe looked like they wouldn’t be able to battle back, despite landing early 20-point stereo superkicks from WR Garret Wilson, WR Emeka Egbuka, and the Chargers D/ST. RB Jahmyr Gibbs (17) gave his crew a spark with a Meltzer Driver, before WR Justin Jefferson (22) and RB Omarion Hampton (26) were able to pull off the More Bang For Your Buck and sneak away with a 154-146 win, knocking off the previously undefeated Council. 

Resplendent in their spiky pads and face paint, the Destroyers took on God’s Country with their new preacher gimmick. With their Motorhead theme entrance blaring, WRs Courtland Sutton (19) and Deebo Samuel (18) got the action going with some Future Shock. The Steeler D/ST (25) hit the Doomsday Device, and it looked like it might be all over for the Todd Squad. A little divine intervention came their way, however, as WR Romeo Doubs (29) blessed his squad with repeated instances of the Saving Grace reverse DDT. QB Jordan Love joined in with 25 pious piledrivers, and Isiah Pacheco and Jaxon Smith-Njigba, disguised as nuns in the front row, hopped the barrier and ran interference on the outside. God’s Country secures a narrow win (their first of the year), 120-116, and perhaps appropriately, joint ownership of The “Deus Ex Machina” award for their 4-point margin of victory.

Finally, multifaceted Dr. Strangelove Me Do started their match using their crazed dentist gimmick as they took on masters of the mic BlahBlahBlah. The B’s have been trash talking more than usual leading up to this one, cutting one scathing promo after another on weekly TV tapings. RB Deandre Swift (15) and K Chase McLaughlin (17) certainly backed it up early, and the Bronco D/ST (22) did a mic drop after a midmatch gab session. QB Josh Allen (24) and RB Christian McCaffrey (24) challenged the dentists to shut them up, and try to pull their teeth - if they dared. Dr. Me Do, DDS, certainly took the challenge head on, with RB Saquon Barkley (17) and the Vikings D/ST (20) leading the way, before the good doctors disappeared under the ring. When they emerged, it was now in the guise of the hippy-dippy Strangelovers, with WR Kavonte Turpin (23) executing the Flower Power Facebuster to swing the match back in their favor. Another quick costume change saw the Lovers adopt their Knights of the Royal Military Order Of Sealand persona, and RB Josh Jacobs (31) put on the Roy Bates’ Revenge sleeper hold to get the Doctors a 135-131 win, improving to 2-2 and picking up a piece of The “Deus Ex Machina” Award.

With another thrilling evening of exciting action in the books, it’s time for me to take my leave. Of course, that means a return to my frozen cryosleep chamber, waiting to be revived once more to bring you the same hard-hitting interviews and analysis that I’ve done for so many years. Mind you, it’s not a permanent stay, and I’ll certainly be back and active soon enough - legends never die and it’s awful hard to quit this business. It’s not a retirement, just a vacation - retirement for old people, forget about it.

Signing off,

“Mean” Gene Oakerlund

WWE Hall of Fame, Class of ‘06

Avid readers of my weekly column may have noticed my rather conspicuous absence last week – my thanks to the reanimated corpse of Gene Oakerlund for handling my duties and once again doing a fantastic job, consummate professional, even in death. The true Atomic FissionHeads among you may also remember that I’ve been on the run from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for quite a while on the back of a misunderstanding with the Canada Revenue Agency some years ago. The Crown says I didn’t pay my income tax, I say I didn’t make enough money to tax in the first place, potato tomato, and suddenly I’m a wanted man with an “extradite all Southern provinces” bench warrant. I wasn’t exactly shocked, then, that I found myself temporarily indisposed and a guest of the Marion County Sheriff’s Department for roughly 72 hours this past week. I’d travelled to Indianapolis for a journalist trade show during the week, and caught a ride with a few friendly fellows heading east as well, taking their lifted trucks and loud import cars towards Tennessee for some kind of car show near Gatlinburg, wherever that is. They got me to Indy in record time, but upon dropping me off in front of the convention center one of them got a little too frisky with the accelerator, leading to a bit of smoke and noise, and some unwanted attention by the boys in blue. A few questions were asked of us, a few names were put into the magic all-knowing computer, and before I could say “Bob’s your uncle” I was wearing a new pair of shiny bracelets on my way to the clink. Obviously I couldn’t finish last week’s article, but I could make a few phone calls – more on that later.  

Week 5 of NHL action is the tail end of our first block of divisional games, so let’s double down on the stakes in the Wayne with BlahBlahBlah hosting Council of Steel for what was also round one of the Stehle Showdown.  The Council started off from a weak negotiating position, with -1 from P AJ Cole (good for another chunk of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT) and disappointments from Jameson Williams and James Cook. After those blunders, however, things improved significantly, as the Council came back with 17 from RB Breece Hall, 19 from TE Travis Kelce (laying the “wood”, as it were), and an impressive 34 points from the Titans D/ST. The B’s didn’t care much for the unnecessary chatter, however, starting out loud with 27 from RB Christian McCaffery and 25 more from the Broncos D/ST. 18 more from WR Calvin Ridley and 20 from TE Sam LaPorta served to shout down the opposition, and 19 from QB Josh Allen served as the closing argument, as the B’s roll to a 151-107 win.

Rockme Mama looked to continue their challenge for the divisional lead on the road against Dr. Strangelove Me Do, perhaps not an unfamiliar position for GM Mark, who was spotted with GM Kirk in the stands at Lambeau a few weeks ago, a diehard Lions fan deep in enemy territory. Perhaps looking for a little revenge after getting dragged out to the rival building just to watch his team swallow a loss, Team Rockme put the screws to their opponents. QB Justin Herbert and WR Nico Collins had a pair of 15’s, while TE Dalton Kincaid and RB David Montgomery (a little Lions love there) added 16 more apiece. It was Mark’s beloved Lions D/ST, though, that had the killing blow, 23 points coming from 3 picks, 2 sacks and 2 forced fumbles. The Lovers certainly weren’t going to go quietly, with 24 from QB Justin Fields, 20 from the hated Viking D/ST, 19 from WR Devonta Smith, and 17 from RB Saquon Barkley, but that was where the scoring stopped, as in a Strange turn for the Lovers, no one else could crack the double digits. Rockme Mama takes this one, 127-114, improving to 4-1 and tied for the lead in the Wayne.

Since I touched on the tie for the divisional lead, that leaves us with Wayne powerhouse and defending champs NoKe hosting the winless Nerd Herd. NoKe might have a questionable QB situation, opting for another week of the Jaxon Dart Experience, but with passcatchers like these, I think I could play quarterback for this team and they’d still do well. WR’s Garett Wilson and Justin Jefferson both had handy 19-point days, but that was completely overshadowed by WR Emeka Igbigboo (according to Gronk, anyway), who had a career day with 31 points. RB Jahmyr Gibbs had 16 points in support on the ground, but when you’ve got a guy like Ikma Ebooka on your roster, you’re not that worried about the rush. The Herd, on the other hand, were rush-focused, running a 3 RB set with Henry, Judkins, and Demaercado, who combined for just 28, perhaps justifying Johnathan Gannon’s sideline outburst. QB Jared Goff (19), the Dolphin D/ST (24), and WR Stephon Diggs (24) did their best to salvage this one, but the passing game couldn’t overcome the lack of a ground game, as NoKe takes this one, 141-122, keeping their hand on the Duke Of Sealand cup, and further banishing the Herd to the Wanye basement.

Moving over to the Keenan, let’s start again with the bottom of the ladder, as two 1-3 teams in the Destroyers and the Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center squared off. The Azerbaijanis should have reallocated some of those mining rigs to data simulation heading into this week, with a whopping 90 points left on the bench. Despite this, QB Matt Stafford (26), the Cardinal D/ST (23) and timeless wonder TE Darren Waller, a week removed from sitting on his living room couch (18), put together a nice aid package to send overseas to our foreign friends. The Destroyers were absolutely decimated with injuries and byes this week, so they were forced into gambling on an all-or-nothing strategy. Boy howdy, did it pay off, as RB Kyren Williams (30), QB Patrick Mahomes (28), WR Deebo Samuel (23), the Chiefs D/ST (23) and WR Chimere Dike – who? (19) – all delivered in spades. The Destroyers once again live up to their name, cruising to a 172-122 victory.

Speaking of bye week woes, Hillbilly Blitz hosted Franco’s Italian Army in our next matchup. Blitz receivers London and Mooney were off for the week, but perhaps the front office assumed this outcome was a foregone conclusion as they didn’t bother to fill the roster spots. The rest of the team clearly didn’t get the memo (apart from P Michael Dickson, who scored ANOTHER negative one point)(Mike, get a new punter, this guy sucks – W.), as WR Jamarr Chase (29), QB Baker Mayfield (26) and the Texans D/ST (24) all tried to make a game of it. The Francophiles, however, clearly do not show mercy and are intent on crushing anyone who dares stand in their way. RB Jonathan Taylor (32), WR Puka Nacua (24), TE Jake Ferguson (23), the Rams D/ST (18) and QB Bo Nix (18) left nothing but scorched earth and salted fields behind them, with Franco’s Italian Army taking a convincing 176-114 win as they continue to march towards a division title, and in the process further cementing their grasp on The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 62-point win.

Our primetime matchup between God’s Country and Notorious P.I.G. also featured two teams with injury- and bye week-related roster woes. The Todd Squad was left with nothing but last resort options, but the backups came through in a big way this week. Leading the way were the Colts D/ST with 32, but a pair of 27’s from QB Sam Darnold and WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba really turned up the heat. The Notorious Ones could feel their back bacon sizzling, but the smell of pork just prompted them to say “We here, you know what beef is?” Clearly confused on how to tell their meats apart, that didn’t stop RB Javonte Williams (26), the Browns D/ST (22) and QB Jalen Hurts (20) from feasting. In the end though, it was God’s Country who prevailed, 152-141, bringing back the whole hog to the promised land for a BBQ and knocking off the league’s last unbeaten, as they’ve now picked up a win in two straight.

With that first batch of NHL divisional action in the books, I owe you all a more complete explanation for my absence. My accommodations were less than ideal, although they were exactly as Pat McAfee once described them – a glass box in the middle of the jailhouse, a telephone mounted to a pole within, and monster “gift” left in the toilet by the previous occupant, presumably a Colts lineman or Pacers center judging by the size. The Honda enthusiasts I’d been travelling with told me they’d bond me out, but when I called them the next night, their promised bail money had instead gone to fund their impound fees as a result of their activities in the Smokies once they’d gotten there. I thought I’d be left high and dry, but two things happened simultaneously – Buford T. Justice’s deputies decided it wasn’t worth their trouble to drive me all the way back to the border, and they needed my special high-profile holding tank for a new guest named Mark. Never in all of recorded history has anyone been so happy to be replaced by the Sanchize, so I walked out free as a bird as they wheeled in the inebriated analyst, still begging his handlers to let him loose for 15 or 20 minutes so he could finish the set of wind sprints he’d been doing before he was interrupted by that grease truck driver. I beat a hasty retreat back to my in-season base a good ways outside of Tuscon, and that, dear readers, is where I’ll stay, until another park ranger comes to harass me for parking my trailer on federal land. Hey, at least the solar is free and my Starlink dish still works.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider 

I sat down to crank out this week’s article, and started things off the same way I normally do – first I chug a fifth of Alberta Premium down to the bottom of the label and refill the bottle with Canada Dry to make my version of a sidewalk slammer, and then I quickly flip through the CBC headlines of the week to see what’s going on in the outside world. The big story this week was a major data breach from Canadian Tire, a true institution in our great land and something that I can only assume affects well over 80% of the population, so I reached out to our official law enforcement consultant about the matter. He, however, turned me on to a more interesting story – a major cannabis bust in Haldimand, ON, a stone’s throw away from the Falls and Buffalo, NY. Perhaps now we know where LeGarrette “Smoke The” Blount was getting his supply from all along. The OPP said they seized CAD$55 million of bud, flower and hashish – my sources tell me at current US street prices, due to Uncle Donnie’s import tariffs and the current exchange rate, that’s roughly enough for 6 doobies and to fill up a vape-o-box two or three times. The free market is a cruel mistress.

Kicking off our first week of interleague play, Dr. Strangelove Me Do played hosts to the Hillbilly Blitz. Hillbilly Blitz, inexplicably, had two positions with no participation – WR Darnell Mooney was out and the Texans D/ST were on bye. Blame that country education for the lack of reading comprehension, I guess. At least WR Drake London was country strong, posting 31, and WR Jamarr Chase (25), QB Baker Mayfield (17), and Dicker the Kicker (17) all turned in decent performances. Dr. Strangelove had to scramble Saturday morning and make a gameday transaction, when P Blake Glliken failed to show up for walkthroughs after finding himself unexpectedly shipwrecked on an uncharted desert isle. Marvin 'the Minnow" Mimms helped save the fearless crew with his 15 points, but 21 from QB 'Professor' Prescott, and 31 from RB 'Millionaire' Josh Jacobs was much better. Even the 5 from emergency replacement P Logan 'Captain' Cooke was helpful to fend off the natives, as the Lovers defeat the Blitz 142-118.

God’s Country went on the road against BlahBlahBlah, in the “My QB disappointed me and my RB2 is better than yours and also my punter is worthless” Bowl, brought to you by TaxSlayer™. With underwhelming performances from QB Jordan Love and RB Tony Pollard, the Todd Squad turned to RB Cam Skattebo (30), the human embodiment of CTE. Mark my words, that guy is going to be the Wade Belak of the NFL – look him up. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (30) also had a standout game, and the Packer D (20) did more than their fair share of work. Going back to that big pot bust just outside of Buffalo, I think I might know why B’s QB Josh Allen wasn’t at his best – trying to smoke up the evidence, perhaps. Jerry Jeudy and Calvin Ridley may have got a contact high, but RB Rico Dowdle will probably pass his “totally random” drug test after his 32-point outing. The Broncos D/ST (29) also impressed, and Run CMC (23) and Sam Import-Ex-LaPorta (16) got it done when it mattered most. The B’s were able to escape with a 139-134 nailbiter win, banishing God’s Country to 2-4 as they stay at .500.

Council of Steel played hosts to foreigners Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center in our next matchup. The Council must have donated a majority of their resources to foreign aid, as WR Quentin Johnston was absent, RB James Cook might have been a little smoked out in Buffalo, and P Corliss Waitman’s negative one point was good for another share of the increasingly fractured drawA “nataS liaH” ehT. WR Jameson Williams had 18 in a salvage performance, and RB Ashton Jeanty (16) and the Titans D/ST (15) also did what they could to uphold their pride as the rest of the squad put on a stinker. The visiting Azerbaijanis still haven’t quite seemed to grasp the concept of this “Amerika futbolu”, but they certainly seemed game to try. Relying on such gridiron luminaries as WR Malik Washington (21) and WR Kendrick Bourne (19), the Bitcoin Boys put together a more than competent effort from a group of football B-listers and castoffs. The Patriot D/ST earned a further 21 points, securing the dub for the komanda, their second of the year as they earn a 115-89 victory over the Council.

Offensive juggernauts Franco’s Italian Army went on the road to face the winless Nerd Herd in our next matchup. Official NHL betting partner OptiBook had the Francophiles as 45-point favorites coming in to this matchup, and they certainly showed that they had earned it. Perhaps the only fly in the ointment was the -1 from P Johnny Hekker, but with 31 from WR George Pickens, 30 from RB Devon Achane, 26 from the Rams D/ST, 23 from RB Jonathan Taylor, and 19 from WR DK Metcalf, it’s hard to complain. The Herd, on the other hand, didn’t have any negative points performances, but 20 from the Bills D/ST, 17 from WR Tetairoa McMillan, and 16 from QB Jared Goff just isn’t going to get the job done against a powerhouse like this. FIA bullied their opponents as they roll to a 159-100 win, further shoving the Herd down into the league basement as they plummet to 0-6.

Our international game of the week saw NoKe play “host” to the Destroyers from the glimmering Stade De Luxembourg, a combo soccer-rugby facility with a hybrid turf/grass surface boasting a whopping seated capacity of 9,386. Their country might not be relevant enough to earn an Olympic gold since 1952, send a driver to F1 or Indycar, or win a war, but they’re good enough (and bribed Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman enough) to host an NHL matchup. NoKe WRs Emeka Egbuka and Garett Wilson must not have agreed with the Euro version of playing surface, both coming down with turf toe, but the Charger D/ST (27), WR Ladd McConkey (23) and QB Caleb Williams (21) all seemed to thrive while playing on the stuff. Destroyers QB Patrick Mahomes was seen fueling up on the native favorite of Judd mat Gaardebounen before his 29-point performance (that’s smoked pork and fava beans for the rest of us), and the Steeler D/ST (25) crushed stack after stack of potato pancakes pregame…err, sorry, Gromperekichelcher. The rest of the team went hungry, however, as NoKe takes this one on foreign soil, 126-115.

Our primetime game of the week had Notorious P.I.G. visiting Rockme Mama in a showdown of tied-for division leaders. With both teams eager to stake a sole claim to their respective number one spots, there was going to be no backing down in this one. Team Rockme came out strong with a 35-point performance from RB Bijan Robinson, and a very handy 19 from QB Justin Herbert in support. 15 more from WR Jaylen Waddle helped bump up the score, as the Rockers kept the volume turned all the way up and refused to quiet down in the face of the opposition. The Piggies knew that Somebody’s Gotta Die in this matchup, and they tried to make sure it wasn’t them. TE Dallas Goedert (26), QB Jalen Hurts (22) and WR Luke McCaffrey (22) ran up in they crib, while K Eddie Pineiro (18) and the Browns D/ST (17) made sure the cats abandoned ship. The Notorious Ones take a close win here, 134-124, as they hold on to their split Keenan lead at 5-1.

I asked our league source how the Mounties may have found such a large ganja grow op, expecting that the King’s Cowboys might use advanced technologies like drone flyovers, or forensic accounting to see who had an unusually high hydro bill. Nope, he said, it wasn’t that complicated – they found a warehouse in the industrial district that kept having “bonfires” every Friday and Saturday night, cross-referenced them with complaints of unusual smells from neighboring Brantford and Tonawanda, NY, and just connected the dots, rolling up to find 6 or 7 long-haired heshers wearing drug rugs and listening to Zepplin. CBC wasn’t too far behind the law, and tried to interview one of the miscreants, who was quoted as saying “Man, this is a big bummer, eh, I might miss the Leafs play on Opening Night if I don’t bond out!” Truer words have never been spoken by Ontarian, which gives me yet another reason to be proud to call Saskatchewan home.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

I’m an old-school kind of guy. Back in my day, you just kept your team name. Whether the team passed to new relatives or owners, was impacted by the growth of suburbia, or was sold off and moved in the night under the cover of darkness, the name didn’t change. The Brooklyn Dodgers became the LA Dodgers, the Baltimore Colts became the Indianapolis Colts…hell, the Cardinals went from Chicago, briefly merged with Pittsburgh, back to Chicago, and then on to St. Louis and then Arizona (and along the way, remaining the oldest continuing NFL franchise). Sometimes, keeping the name or mascot doesn’t even make sense (looking at you, Utah Jazz and Cleveland Monsters). But now, everyone wants it new. Washington Commanders, Cleveland Guardians, Edmonton Elks. Even the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Dallas North Stars, and Tampa Bay Devil Rays eventually dropped their modifiers. We lament, but understand. Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman, despite his shady backroom dealings, wants the league to stay current and fun, and routinely issues his edicts making such festivities compulsory for all personnel. So inspired by last week’s Gilligan’s Island reference, I thought a blend of team names, along with some classic TV theme music I bootlegged off my satellite dish, might give the team owners a nostalgic moment and some entertaining possibilities for the winter owner’s meeting. Without further consideration, I give you the week 7 review.

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“Come and listen to my story ‘bout a man named Jed

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed

And then one day he was shootin’ at some

And up through the ground came a-bubblin’ crude

Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea…” 

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, Batmannnnn…”

The Beverly Hillbillies (aka Hillbilly Blitz) parked their Okie wagon next to the Batmobile in the visitor’s spot just outside the entrance to BlahBlahBlah’s Bat Cave. For quite some time, all that could be heard from outside was “OOmph”, “Zowwie” “BAANG” and “POWWW” until the dust settled. RB Caped Crusader McCaffrey delivered 38, and T. Robin Higgins scored 21 for the masked team. The transplanted Hillbillies had their own Texas (DS)T, which spouted 40 barrels of black gold – worth a pretty penny if the train gets it to market on time.  Led by QB Baker Oilfield, and a gusher of 38 from Jamar “Jed” Chase, the Beverly’s had more than enough to go to Hollywood, saying goodbye to no show QB Josh Alfred as they take their Flatt and Scruggs game, 149 to 96.

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“…The Love Boat soon will be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone.  Set a course for adventure…and your mind on a new romance…”

*drum fill intensifies*

Speaking of ho-downs, there was an old-fashioned beachside barbeque in the Co-Commissioner’s Cup. In one of two 300-burgers this week (where the total of both teams exceeds 300 points), Hawaii Five-O (aka Notorious P.I.G) found the buffet at the Love Boat (aka Dr. Strangelove) and showed up hungry to the party. After laying out blankets in the Maui sand, the Piggies blasted that iconic theme on their boom boxes, with 20 by WR Steve McGarrett McCaffrey and 38 from the Wo Fat Browns D/ST. The svelte WR Kono St. Brown prettied up 20 more, and Drake Maye-be-a-star was seen on the beach with 23 leis.  But Captain WR Stubing Smith had 33 witty lines, RB Josh Julie Jacobs served 18 delicious shrimp cocktails and QB Dak “Doc” Prescott cured 21 patients. The romance with the Jaguars DST almost sprung a leak below decks, but the luau ended when the whole pig got roasted. The sailors beat the detectives, 156 to 148, and closed the division lead to 1 game for the ex-piggies. 

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“Green Acres is the Place to Be.  Farm living is the life for me…”

“Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, they’re the modern stone age family.

 From the town of Bedrock, they’re a page right out to history…”

God’s Country left their Green Acres to take on the home team Flintstones (aka RockMe) in a Nielson’s rating battle. The Yabadabadoos thought their 28 from the Bears D/ST was as good as any Dino (and way better than Yogi). The Greenery got off to a rough start with QB Sam Dah’ling Darnold’s 9, but WRs K Allen and Smith-Njigba had no allergies to the hay as they posted 28 and 26 respectively. Fred stayed up all the (Monday) night to see Walker, Collins and Dixon only collect 16 in this tight match. The Pacheco Packer Penthouse was simply better built than the RB Barney Rubble Robinson cave, and K Wilma Lutz didn’t help enough, as the Green Acres was the place to be by a mark of 147 to 143 (giving God’s Country another piece of The Deus Ex Machina Award).

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“Well, you woke up this morning, got yourself a gun,
Your mama always said you'd be the chosen one
She said, "You're one in a million, you've got to burn to shine"
But you were born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes…”

“Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”  

In what was the knockout battle of the week, the Sopranos (aka Franco’s Italian Army) sought to increase their territory beyond Gotham, going toe to toe with Superman (aka Council of Steel) for a share of that Metropolis money. Tony’s gang threw three haymakers, with QB Bluemoon Nix, RB John “The Tailor” and the Deep Seahawks D/ST totaling the first 100+ pts for the mob. WR Michael Pittboss added another 20, but P Jonny Hekker ate 2 expired slices of gabagool from the pork store and was in the pishadoo most of the game. The Man of Steel’s team countered with WR Olave for 26 and his unlikely allies, the Teen Titans, who posted 16 (last I checked, they weren’t part of the Super Friends, right?). But the kryptonite here was the 0 by WR Jimmy Williams and the shocking negative 5 points by meek QB Clark Kent Tua, who lost his glasses while decisively winning drawA “nataS liaH” ehT. In the end, the man of Metropolis was not faster than the speeding locomotive, and Tony’s sanitation company quickly disposed of the aliens in 110 different garbage cans, 185 to 75, as they now control the Pine Barons, Plainfield, a tie for the NHL lead, and most importantly, secure ownership of The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award, setting an all-time league record in the process.

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“Boy, the way Glenn Miller played. Songs that made the Hit Parade.

Guys like us, we had it made. Those were the days…” (yes, you have to listen to the whole thing)

“They’re creepy and they’re kooky.  Mysterious and spooky.

 They’re all together ooky. The Addams family…na na nuh nuh *snap snap*”

Speaking of ‘families’, the All in the Family cast (aka NoKe) got together with the strange Addams Family (aka Azerbaijan whatever…) for the most unusual holiday gathering. WR Morticia Washington cast 20 spells, while the Pugsly Patriots D/ST posted 31 for the creeps. The traditional family got several points by the censors with RB Pubert Gibbs leading with 36 one-liners, and neighbor WR Jefferson adding 12 laughs. WR Luke “Meathead” McConkey contributed a nice dose of social righteousness. The Addams called RB Cousin Itt-ienne off the bench - alas, all but 6 of his hairs fell out. The only mystery here is whether the LaSalle would start and drive home a victory for Edith and Archie. It did, 126 to 96.

__________________________

“A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse of course,

 That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed…”

“Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state, then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait,
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools, we built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries, that all started with the big bang (Bang!)”

Our last absurd review has the 21st century brains of The Big Bang Theory (aka Nerd Herd) taking on the 20th century Mister Ed (aka Destroyers). (What does the new team logo have to do with “Destroyers”? Or anything vaguely related, for that matter? It doesn’t, so I love it. -W).  You, the insightful reader, might think that a talking horse has no chance against the Braintrust, but nature’s creatures (like your cat) are a lot smarter than you think. The Bangers wrote a nuclear astrophysics game plan that was so complex that P Penny Barringer kicked backwards for -1 pt. Yes, TE Howard Henry and WR Sheldon Diggs partly solved the code. But Mr. Ed has the great QB Wilbur Mahomes who could count to 25, and the whole animal menagerie including WR’s C Lamb and C Mutton, who totaled 38 chops. At the end of this nature vs. human evolution, Mister Ed is easier to spell than Raj Koothrapali, and the horse wins 136 to 130.

__________________________

If you have made it to the end of this ridiculous review of a “beautiful day in our neighborhood”, you are a very tolerant reader. I, your Krusty, trusty reporter, have enjoyed sharing these earworm-worthy jingles with you. I leave you with a parting thought, courtesy of Sam Malone, Tecumseh, and our friends at Cheers – “sometimes you just wanna go, where everybody knows your name”.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider 

As the days continue to get shorter and I find myself a solid month or so after the first frost here in Regina, we begin to slip in to one of my favorite times of the year. The flannels can come back out, the moose are up and active, and there’s plenty of wood to be chopped so I can burn off all my Canadian Thanksgiving calories from a few weeks ago, just in time to make room for more on Halloween. It’s also when hockey starts back up (my other true passion, like any good Canuck), the First Nations boys get excited for the start of basketball, and we’re just two weeks away from this year’s edition of the Grey Cup (and halfway through a 5-year stint between Cups here in my backyard – 2027 can’t come soon enough). The thing that I’m most excited for this year, though, is lending a hand to Cousin Donny and Uncle Yom, who have enlisted my help for their iceboat racing season. We’ve been hard at work in the shed getting everything together, so I found it a nice break to sit down this week and watch a little NHL action to feel like things were back to normal again.

Our first matchup had Council of Steel going on the road against the disorganized Hillbilly Blitz. Blitz QB Mr. Mayfield only had to throw a Baker’s dozen passes all day, but a majority went to WR Jamarr Chase (21) who made the most of them. RB Isiah Davis (17) did a lot of heavy lifting on the ground, while the Texans D/ST (19) and Dicker the Kicker (15) more than made up for the lack of P Michael Dickson…if he doesn’t score, at least he can’t go negative, right? The Council had some QB woes of their own, as Carson Wentz is down for the count, but TE Travis Kelce (21) still put up a good performance on National Tight Ends Day. RB Breezy Breece Hall blew the competition away with 31, while James Short-Order Cook fried up 33 delicious eggs, leading the Council to a 154-110 win.

Next up, the Destroyers played host to BlahBlahBlah, who rolled in to this one a bit beaten and battered. WR Calvin Ridley hurt his leg during pregame warmups when he stepped on a rogue ShakeWeight, causing it to crack and one of the springloaded weights to fly out, hitting WR Jerry Juedy in the head and putting him in the concussion protocol all game. QB Josh Allen was his usual stalwart self with 23, and K Chase McLaughlin did his part to try and pick up some position player slack, adding 17 more of his own. The Broncos D/ST put up an impressive 25 and hoped that would be enough to hold off their opponents. The Destroyers were certainly victims of Bye-Mageddon this week, with 3 on the pine and another in the blue medical tent. QB Patrick Mahomes was left to steer the second-stringers, showing them how to get it done with 22 points. RB R.J. Harvey also finally decided to start making good on his preseason hype, scoring 25 in an impressive 3-TD day. WR Chimere Dike, though, had the breakout day to remember, grabbing 7 balls for 93 and racking up 175 return yards to net himself a very tidy 33 points. The Destroyers were swift and efficient, notching a 136-101 win as they get back to .500 ball.

What do you get when you cross a hurt kicker, a quarterback experiencing a career renaissance, 10 combined punter points, and a professional athlete named Harold? The answer – a matchup between Dr. Strangelove Me Do on foreign soil facing the Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center. Danny Dimes is looking more like Indiana Jones these days, as Strangelove QB Daniel posted 22 in another great outing. RB Saquon Barkley had another one for the ages as well, scampering to 33 points, and the Buccaneers D/ST played lights out as they earned 36 for their efforts. The Azerbaijanis still seem a little bit too focused on the kicking part of this new-to-them version of “foot”ball, as it’s never a good day when your punter (in this case, Ryan Rehkow) outscores your kicker or one of your running backs. Noted old man QB Joe Flacco (24) continues to defy logic and Father Time with another strong performance for the Bitcoin Boys (perhaps he’s been dosing up on cheap imported Russian steroids?). The Patriots D/ST (24) also had a good effort, and TE Harold Fannin (18) was certainly in the festive spirit on National Tight Ends Day, clearly a holiday celebrated the world over. The Azerbaijanis, however, needed to mine just a few more PointCoins this weekend, as the Strange Lovers take the win 157-118.

Next up, Notorious P.I.G. hosted the Nerd Herd and their woeful record. The Herd quickly found themselves without the services of RB Quinshon Judkins, leaving the rushing attack in the hands of RB Derrick Henry (19). WR Khalil Shakir had a very strong 20-point day, and QB Aaron Rodgers, WR Teteroa McMillan, and the Jets D/ST all had 16 as the Nerds fought valiantly to break their duck. They should have kept the receipts, because the Notorious Ones were ready to get dirty like cleats, starting out with 22 from QB Jalen Hurts and 20 from the Eagles D/ST, truly a Philly Special to be feared. WR Rome Odunze added 18 more, and RB Javonte Williams and TE Dallas Goedert were each totin’ Glock (17)s, giving the Piggies the 123-112 win, keeping the Herd’s losing streak unblemished.

NoKe took the trip to the promised land of God’s Country next. Consistent with their two-pronged management style, the NoKe squad kept the pressure coming from all angles. RB Chase Brown (25) excelled on the ground, WR Rashee Rice (24) and TE Oronde Gadsden (18) kept the passing attack working, the Charger D/ST (24) harassed the enemy offense, and K Chris Boswell (20) continues to amaze with his powerful legwork. The Todd Squad came up with a few answers – QB Jordan Love had an impressive game, scoring 28 points, while the Colts D/ST had 20 of their own on the back of four sacks and a pick. The injury to RB Cam Skattebo, though, seemed to temper spirits on the sideline, as everyone else clearly no longer had their head in the game (except for K Nick Folk, who had 12, but kickers are psychological freaks, kinda like pitchers and goalies). NoKe takes this one with a 156-101 win, further improving to 7-1 atop the Wayne.

Our primetime matchup this week saw Franco’s Italian Army hosting the visiting Rockme Mama in a high-octane thriller. The Francophiles boast the league’s most potent offense, and it was certainly on display in this one despite a Jake Ferguson goose egg. RB Devon Achane had a 19-point day, and QB Bo Nix (22) appears to have shrugged off the Mo Pix moniker, at least for another week. WR Michael Pittman snagged everything thrown his way to post 23, but the day belonged to RB Jonathan Taylor, who ran for 151, grabbed two passes for 21 and had three total TDs enroute to a 37-point performance. Eager to answer, the Rockers got things going with a stout 17 from the Bears D/ST, before leaning more heavily on the ariel attack. WR Jaylen Waddle had 20 points in a good day, and QB Justin Herbert (24) was throwing lasers all over the field. It was TE Tucker Kraft, however, who had the biggest party on National Tight Ends Day, earning 33 points from his 143 yards on seven grabs, two of them going for tuddys. A very impressive effort from Team Rockme, but just not quite enough to overcome the might of Esercito Italiano, as the Francophiles take this one 156-141, continuing to hold on to the Keenan divisional lead.

With that action in the books, it’s time for me to head back to the shed and start busting knuckles again. Yom has been sharpening up his runners and fastidiously rigging up his sails, while Cousin Donny just seems to coil up a lot of rope most of the time – he is a bit “compartmentalized”, but it’s nice that his old man has him out of the house and doing something other than trainspotting for once. Yom wants to ship his boat over to Poland and enter the Euro Championships in February just to see where he ranks out internationally, since he said he refuses to enter any of the Western Region Regattas because “it’ll be a cold day in hell before I go back to Minnesota”. Don’t know what happened there, but at least we have plenty of time to prep for the Canadian Championship when it comes. Guess I’d better get to work…

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With another oh-so-spooky week in the books, it’s time for us all to burn off some of those early cold-weather calories that start with Halloween candy and end with 5 or 6 too many on New Year’s. Of course, it’s cold enough here in Saskatchewan for us to already start handing out maple ribbons – just pour a little syrup in the snow, drop a stick in, and you’re off to the races. I did have quite a few of the local bottle kids come by the trailer this year, and we had our usual exchange. They said trick or treat, I gave them all a maple ribbon, they swore at me and demanded Snickers, I swore at them and shot them with rock salt from my slingshot, they ran off, and then they came back an hour later and peppered my double-wide with bottles, eggs, and TP. Fun times for all of us as we continue a proud Canadian holiday tradition.

Our first matchup of the week saw the wimpy kids from Nerd Herd head to the promised land of God’s Country, where the paved driveways are long and the trophy wife homemakers hand out full-size candy bars. The Todd Squad put up a trio of 16’s from the Packer D/ST in their vintage costumes (along with WR Romeo Doubs, with his mummy-type head wrap in the same style), and from K Cam King-size (this week only). WR Jaxon Smith-Njigboogeyman dropped 21 more to give the Nerds quite a fright. QB Jared Goff (20) said he was too cool for a costume, and 12-point WR Khalil was Shakiring in his boots, but after some encouragement from Stefon GraveDiggser, the Ravens D/ST (29) said “nevermore” to losing, as the Herd overcame their fears and picked up their first victory of the year 122-116.

Next up, the tech boffins of the Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center hosted BlahBlahBlah. They don’t really do Halloween in Baku (or anywhere else in the country, for that matter), but they decided to play along and try to get into the spirit a little bit. QB Matt Stafford (26) dressed up like Babir the leopard, and WR DJ Moore (21) taped a picture of a Karabakh horse to his t-shirt. They were at least trying, but they were in for a Nightmare on B’s Street. First up, there was the great double 33-point couples costume of WR ExorcisT. Higgins and a devil (portrayed by RB “Christian” McCaffery, ironically), before QB “Chattahoochee” Josh Allen Jackson (29) and TE Sam La”Port”a (21) in his longshoreman getup arrived. RB Rico Dowdle (28) and the Broncos D/ST (21) didn’t get off work until late and came without a costume, but they did show up with a couple more bags of candy, so they at least were in the spirit. This all added up to an absolutely dominant 196-124 win for the B’s, setting a new high water mark for the year and earning them The Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award.

Rockme Mama took the trip across the bay to face off against the Destroyers. Rockme WR Davante (23) encouraged his teammates to get into the Addams Family theme, but it was only QB Justin Herbert Muenster (27) that decided to join in. There were some animals as expected, with WR Jaylen Waddle (14) being his annual penguin and the Bears D/ST (19)…well, I think you can guess, while 17-point RB’s Jaylen Warren and Bijan Robinson dressed up like wildlife photographers. The Destroyers had a couple of deep cuts, as no one recognized RB R.J. Harvey (21) as 80’s F1 engineer Harvey Postlethwaite or WR Chimire Dike’s (27) version of Dick Van (Chimirie) Dyke. Everyone recognized the Chiefs D/ST (18) as a bunch of Chief Wahoos, and Silence of the CeeDee Lambs (15) was a big hit, as was K Jason Michael Myers – no, not that Mike Myers, the killer dude from Halloween. With lots to pick from, this ended up being a very close costume contest, with Rockme Mama pulling out an extremely late edge and picking up a 145-144 win, earning them The Deus Ex Machina Award.

Notorious P.I.G. was in the house while the Council of Steel came to visit. The Council had some ho-hum offerings, the most notable of which were QB Trevor Lawrence (24), who did Trevor from Grand Theft Auto 5, and RB Ashton Jeanty (19), who did Ashton Kutcher, which was just a little weird but otherwise looked pretty good. Everyone on the team at least did something, though, even if a lot of them were just in pajama animal onesies from Scamazon. The Piggies were a little more hit and miss, however. WR Rome Odunze had a wardrobe malfunction when his Caesar toga fell off, WR Luke McCaffery’s Star Wars thing is played out, and P Daniel Whelan just didn’t show up. The real star of the show, though, was TE Dwayne The Brock Bowers Johnson, who absolutely crushed both the look and the impression, as he could be heard shouting “Can you smell what The Brock is cookin’?!” at least 42 times that night. It was just enough to keep everyone into the mood, as Notorious P.I.G. pick up a 120-116 win.

Next up, NoKe paid a visit to Hillbilly Blitz. NoKe’s biggest hit was QB Caleb “Candycorn” Williams, who showed up with 38 bags of the stuff, whether you like it or not. The Great Pumpkin Charlie Chase Brown (18) joke was pretty fun, as was the meta humor of WR Rashee Rice (18) showing up as WR Jerry Rice. The Chargers D/ST (18) all dressing up as Boltman was a little weird, but hey, that’s what Halloween is for. Blitz QB Kyler Murray must have decided to go as either a ghost or Sasquatch, because nobody saw him, but there was no way you could have missed the Texans D/ST (26) showing up, every single one of them (predictably) dressed up as ranch hands. The two Dick Kickers, K Cameron and P Michael, did a thematic blend of the franchise vibes and their names, both dressing up as NASCAR hero Dick Trickle, but WR Drake London (38) really hit the nail on the head, thinking outside the box with his excellent combo Werewolves of London/Jack The Ripper getup, complete with large top hat and face fur. All in all, NoKe squeezes out a 147-133 win here, riding their streak out to 8 straight wins.

Finally, Franco’s Italian Army hosted Dr. Strangelove Me Do, a franchise with plenty of inbuilt theming options, although most decided to stick with the spirit of the holiday. RB Kyle Monona-Guy Fawkes (22) brough some English flavor as he decided to celebrate Bonfire Night instead, and the WR Kavonte InTurpinTer thing (18) was a little weird since he would only talk to people through the Froogle Translate app. Count Dakula Prescott notched 16 points as did TE Trey McBride of Frankenstein, and RB Josh Jacobs (19) did a whole “Jake”obs Paul vs. Mike Tyson boxing routine. The Francophiles were another taker on the animal theme, with the 15 Dalmations of Cruella Devonne (Achane) as well as QB Jaxon Poison Dart Frog (26). WR Michael Pittman (20) did another nod to the franchise, going full Pittman-sburgh and dressing up as Franco Harris, while WR Puka Nacua (22) and the Seahawks D/ST (20) just leaned into their cultural heritage and wore traditional Samoan and Chinook garb, respectively. Perhaps that intimidated the Lovers, as the Francophiles get the 139-126 win, another team riding an 8-game win streak.

With the toilet roll and the eggs all cleaned up, it’s time for me now to shift my focus forward to Remembrance Day, while the rest of you Yanks are thinking about turkey. Either way you slice it, if Halloween is your sign that fall is here, the other two are the ones that let you know that winter, if it’s not here yet, is right around the corner. With the cold winds whipping, I’m starting to get excited – sledding season, ice fishing, and peak televised curling action are all right around the corner as the last few leaves have changed and fallen, at least up here in the Great White North, and I couldn’t be more excited. We’ve got one more week of interleague play here in the NHL, so everyone buckle in for a big playoff push.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There’s two easily topical things for me to run with this week. First and foremost, I’d be remiss not to mention the passing of former NFL head honcho Paul Tagliabue. Us Canucks have always had a mixed opinion of him – he did found the World League Of American Football, which paved the way for international expansion of gridiron play, but was also a direct competitor to the CFL, BUT its failure led to the glorious U.S. expansion of the CFL, BUT that also almost led to the CFL completely collapsing and he basically ran us out of Baltimore with Art Modell as his stooge. There’s no denying that football as a whole ended up in a better position after many years with him running the show, and he paved the way for many improvements to the game which we take for granted today, many of which are certainly relevant to our beloved fantasy game. I can rest easy at night knowing that somewhere, he’s kicking back with old-timey fantasy football pioneer Elmer Kenesaw Podoloff-Calder, comparing notes on expansion franchises and arguing playfully about the language of the catch rule. As for the other thing…well, let’s see if you can guess it.

Our final week of interleague play kicked off with the Nerd Herd on the road against Hillbilly Blitz. Official NHL partner Optibet saw tons of action on the under line, but boy, the house cleaned up on this one. Blitz QB Money Mayfield (22) must have had a buddy lay down some change on some player props as he tossed 3 TD’s, while TE George Kittle (23) probably cleaned up too. WR Drake London (24) probably broke some banks with his 100+ yard day, and the Texans D/ST (25) notched 5 sacks to shatter some parlays. The Herd were clearly numbers-focused as well, just shading a little more towards the aforementioned under line. QB Jared Goff (25) and the Ravens D/ST (28) clearly didn’t get the memo, however, as they dragged the rest of this squad, kicking and screaming, to a 120 plus performance and a close game. It still wasn’t quite enough to get them over the victory hump, however, as the Blitz take a 128-121 win, but don’t cover the spread.

One team that was eager to cover said spread was Council of Steel in their matchup with God’s Country. The Council didn’t employ a ton of heavy hitters, but the Colts D/ST (24) and WR Chris Olave (21) certainly did their fair share of putting up points. RB Breece Hall (19) and TE Tyler Warren (17) helped round out a flurry of scoring early on to give the Council a runaway lead. The Todd Squad must have felt like they were brought in to one of Chauncy Billups’ poker games – the Packers D/ST (22) and WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (20) were at the table to make the VIPs feel like they were really having to play smart to win, while guys like Keenan Allen, Romeo Doubs and TJ Hockenson were told by the Rizzutos to fold early and often so that the VIPs still won easy and kept spending money. The Council stacked enough chips to hold off a late scoring burst, as they take a win, 128-96.

If someone had warned Rockme Mama that Tim Donaghy was officiating their game this week, they probably never would have gotten on that long plane ride to Azerbaijan. How else could you explain a loss to a two-win team featuring a goose egg at WR1, a FLEX (WR Parker Washington, who no one’s ever heard of) that posted a negative rushing total and scored 15 of his 27 point on special teams, and a punter performance of 8 from Tress Way? I don’t mean to diminish excellent games from TE Juwan Johnson (19), QB Matt Stafford (26), and resurgent RB Treyveon Henderson (27), but come on, something’s fishy here. Credit where credit’s due – Team Rockme left it all on the field and kept it close despite the blatant refball. WR Nico Collins (22), despite some drops, still had an outstanding game, as did the Browns D/ST (22), with three sacks and a pick. WR Davante Adams and WR Jaylen Waddle also turned in a pair of 19s in support, as the Rockers could literally do no more than what they offered. Clearly, the Azerbaijanis are researching offshore betting as well as Bitcoin, as they steal a win 138-126.

The Destroyers hosted Dr. Strangelove Me Do in what was probably the most even matchup of the week, reflected as Optibet somehow confusingly set the moneyline at +145 on both teams. Fresh off a hot performance last week, Destroyers RB R.J. Harvey must have gotten a bug in his ear about the concept of points shaving, while P Ethan Evans with his -1 probably had a buddy tell him to shank a couple and then tell the feds his kickback was actually payment for a racing iguana down in Panama. RB Kyren Williams (22), on the other hand, popped off with two trips to the end zone, while TE Dalton Shultz (18), the Steeler D/ST (17) and even K Jason Myers (15) all turned in quality outings. Speaking of hot streaks, Lovers TE Trey McBride continued his with 27 points, as did RB Josh Jacobs with 19. RB Kimani Vidal (17), WR Jauan Jennings (17), and WR Devonta Smith (16) were also impressive, giving Team Strangelove a profit boost enroute to a 136-116 win.

There’s no question that elite running backs at the top of their game are something other than human, so it makes sense that a truly top-flight RB might travel with an entourage that includes an interpreter so he can communicate with us mere mortals. Perhaps it’s no surprise then that this week’s top scorers, RB Jonathan Taylor (47) and RB Devon Achane (40), despite otherworldly performances for the books, both found themselves without their trusted aides after being deported for their international wire fraud arrest warrants from the Australian government (they play a screwed version of football down there, so it makes sense, right?). Even without the services of QB Jaxon Dart, the Seahawks D/ST (35) and WR Puka Nacua (17) further loaded up the points to solidify Franco’s Italian Army as truly the most fearsome offense in the NHL this year. Their opponents, BlahBlahBlah, did everything in their power and then some to stop the Francophile juggernaut or at least cover the spread (+34.5, if you were curious). The Broncos D/ST (24) and QB Josh Allen (20) exceeded expectations, while WR Jerry Juedy (19), RB Christian McCaffery (17), and RB Rico Dowdle (15) played their hearts out despite the tall task in front of them. Inevitably, the Italian Connection took home a 172-130 win, improving to 9-1, and have also most assuredly sent some muscle to Terry Rozier’s house to collect their cut.

Finally, our primetime game of the week saw Notorious P.I.G. hosting NoKe in what could be a playoff preview in a few weeks’ time. All eyes would have been on this one, except Froogle is in the middle of a massive carriage dispute with the Geoff Molson-owned All-Canada Athletic Network, so fans desperately turned to Azerbaijani pirate streams that kept crashing due to server overload. The camel-powered servers were able to stay up long enough for fans to witness the Piggies dash out to an early lead, thanks to a truly impressive 51-point performance from the Jets D/ST, backed up by 20 more from WR Rome Odunze. QB Drake Maye continued to request the loot with his 18, while WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (16) and RB Aaron Jones (15) kept the pressure on. This was about when the streams hit their limits, though, so while most folks saw outstanding efforts from NoKe RB Jahmyr Gibbs (38), QB Caleb Williams (26), and WR Emeka Egbuka (23), pretty much everyone was left in the dark as the game stayed close down the wire. It’s truly a shame that almost no one, bootleg video platform or not, got to witness WR Ladd McConkey’s 20-point outing, completing NoKe’s run to come roaring back and finish with a 155-147 win late, keeping them tied for the league lead at 9-1.

The sports betting specter has cast its long shadow over all corners of the globe, and it’s even darkened my doorstep here in the Great White North. Cousin Ricky got pinched by the Mounties, and I’m off to go bail him out – the King’s Cowboys say Ricky dropped off a sack of loonies and toonies at the residence of an unnamed National Lacrosse League head coach, told him he had to lose the following day, and then laid down 600 bucks’ worth of Canadian Tire Money at the bookies’ for the Georgia Swarm to beat the Halifax Thunderbirds. Ricky called me from the clink and said it was all a big misunderstanding and a coincidence, just that he happened to owe Ostrich Eddie a set of mud terrains for his truck, and that the coach also has a fencing business on the side and just did his front yard. Frankly, I’m not sure who to believe, but I’ve got to make my way up to Moose Jaw and that’s a long ride, so I better get to it.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

As we keep hurtling through space and time, I continue to marvel at the absolute state of science and technology, two facets of existence on which I admittedly have only a tenuous grasp. The advances in medicine and attitudes surrounding diagnoses and treatment continue to shape every sport, from the changes in mandated safety equipment in auto racing, the emphasis on preventing brain injuries on the gridiron, and professional curlers undergoing elective Tommy John surgery to gain a competitive advantage at sweeping. Next-level analytics, too, have changed how we see the game, even here in the NHL, as Scamazon’s Core Advanced Metrics continue to feed back more information than I know what to do with. Perhaps that’s why I continue to remain a staunch supporter of professional wrestling and mid-level MMA promotions - it’s the last athletic arena that completely flies in the face of these developments and actually purposefully contradicts them at times, so I still stand a prayer of understanding it. Something else that’s been developing at breakneck pace, and something else that I’ve never begun to understand (and in a lot of ways have come to slightly fear), is the continued integration of AI technology. So, this week, in another bid to try to come to grips with what I’m told is the most common form of artificial intelligence, I asked Froogle’s “language learning model” for its thoughts (are they thoughts?) on this week’s NHL action. Clearly I misunderstood what a language learning model is, because the first thing I told it was “no French” and it immediately asked me, in English, if I’d rather read a list of facts about Quebec in Spanish or German. I think we got the kinks worked out, so without further ado, over to you, Skynet.

Our return to divisional action kicked off with an explosive offensive contest, as the visiting team from Azerbaijan faced the home team, the Destroyers, in a high-scoring affair that ended 146-105 in favor of the home side. The Azerbaijani offense was led by an unstoppable RB Treyveon Henderson (32) with a strong supporting rushing performance from RB Travis Etienne (19), though P Tress Way’s poor showing (-1) was a bit-coin of a disappointment for the special teams unit. Conversely, the Destroyers' Steeler defense was formidable (43), making key stops when necessary, while their offense was bolstered by excellent play from WRs Deebo Samuel (20) and CeeDee Lamb (17), as well as RB Kyren Williams (16). Unfortunately for the Destroyers, their receiving corps took a hit when WR Chimere Dike left the game with an injury. Ultimately, the Destroyers' powerful overall performance secured the victory in a game that broke the triple-digit scoring mark for both sides. 

Our next Keenan matchup saw the visiting "Notorious P.I.G" defeat the home team "God's Country" in a low-scoring affair, 113-103. The Notorious P.I.G. secured the win thanks to a cohesive effort from their Falcons D/ST (18), a sharp performance from QB Drake Maye (17), and accurate kicking from K Eddie Pineiro (14); however, the team's coaching staff will be lamenting the decision to start the wrong running back as Tyrone Tracy rode the bench, a mistake that could be described as "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems" in retrospect. God's Country had strong showings from WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (20), a stout Packers defensive unit (18), and their own quarterback Jordan Love (16), but the rest of their roster was notably weak. With the loss, and subsequent P.I.G. victory, God's Country players and fans alike can look toward greener pastures next year after this result officially puts the division out of reach for all but the top two.

The last contest in the division featured a commanding performance by Franco's Italian Army, who defeated the visiting Hillbilly Blitz 151-127, improving their league-best record to 10-1. The Hillbilly Blitz offense was anchored by a strong TE George Kittle (24) and reliable WR Drake London (18), with QB Baker Mayfield (16) providing solid play, all of which was backed by a very strong Texans defense (22); however, they couldn't quite mount a sustained attack, suggesting their game plan was a bit too "hill-billy" in execution. Meanwhile, the home team's victory was a classic Italian job, fueled by an exceptionally strong ground game from both RB Sean Tucker (33) and RB Devon Achane (21), and a high-caliber performance from their star receiver George Pickens (29). Franco's Italian Army played with a noticeable passion, delivering every yard and tackle with the fierce intensity of a chef guarding his grandmother's secret “gravy” recipe.

In a major upset in the Wayne, Nerd Herd dominated the visiting division leaders NoKe with a final score of 134-105, securing only their second win of the season against the league's #2 ranked team. The NoKe offense relied heavily on strong games from their two running backs, Jahmyr Gibbs (18) and Chase Brown (17), but the rest of their roster produced relatively low scores, despite the fact that the team played with maximum effort and achieved the highest possible score their available players could muster. For the Nerd Herd, the victory was propelled by an outstanding game from WR Tetairoa McMillan (33), a very good Ravens defense (28), and solid contributions from WR Stefon Diggs (19) and RB Derrick Henry (19). This monumental win shows that when the Nerd Herd puts their minds to it, even the most complex opponents can be decoded, proving that this large group of academically inclined players are a force to be reckoned with after all.

In a high-stakes, intra-family rivalry game, the visiting BlahBlahBlah, helmed by matriarch Steph, defeated the Jon’s Council of Steel in a thrilling, high-scoring contest, 161-148. BlahBlahBlah secured the win despite losing TE Sam LaPorta to a last-minute IR designation, thanks to career days from their beloved combination of QB Josh Allen (42) and RB Christian McCaffrey (35), complemented by a very impressive defensive effort from the Broncos D/ST (30). The Council of Steel put up a strong fight, with very impressive games from TE Travis Kelce (24) and the Jaguars D/ST (26), and solid contributions from QB Brock Purdy (19), RB James Cook (19), WR Jameson Williams (18), and even K Cairo Santos (15). This victory ensures the girls remain undefeated against the boys this season, with this result leaving both Stehle-owned teams in a tie in the divisional standings.

This week's primetime game saw the hosts Rockme Mama defeat the visiting Dr. Strangelove Me Do with a final score of 136-117, resulting in both teams being tied in the division standings. Dr. Strangelove Me Do had solid contributions from TE Trey McBride (27), the Bears D/ST (24), and QB Dak Prescott (23), but their rushing attack was notably weak, which proved to be a factor that they couldn't love to do much about in the end. Rockme Mama’s victory was spearheaded by an outstanding defensive performance from the Browns D/ST (36), a very strong showing from both RB Bijan Robinson (29) and WR Nico Collins (24), and the consistent reliability of K Will Lutz (18). This collective effort was crucial for the home team to overcome an otherwise poor outing by their quarterback, and secure an essential win.

Atom, despite his deep-seated fear of anything that plugs into a wall, has plotted a delightfully stereotypical week of leisure from his trailer park residence. The highlight will be a morning spent fishing for bass and muskie on a nearby lake, followed by a crisp afternoon of ice skating and practicing his curling form in the recreation hall, safely away from any smart devices. Later in the week, he plans to enjoy a homemade poutine dinner while reading a print copy of the sports section, meticulously avoiding the digital layout programs he writes for. His evenings will be spent enjoying the communal spirit of the trailer park, likely engaging in a spirited game of Euchre or a friendly horseshoe tournament with his neighbours, culminating in a campfire with maple treats and telling stories of the legendary NHL players of yore.

Woah, looks like I left the electric thinking box turned on a bit too long there and it tried to do my outro too. After a couple quick edits for clarity, I think my job is still safe for another few years - seems like puns aren’t yet in Skynet’s wheelhouse. I guess it was partially right - I do tend to shy away from anything with a plug on it that has a screen bigger than the clock on the stove. As far as the friendly game of horseshoes with the neighbors, the only horseshoes I might throw would be the ones I chuck at the bottle kids to try and keep them from TP-ing my trailer again. There is one thing I’ll certainly be doing, although it’ll be in my Chesterfield with a bottle of Alberta Premium instead of around the campfire, and it’s the same thing I do week in and week out - telling tales and reminiscing about the legends of the NHL fantasy game, both icons of the past and stars of the present. I’ll be back next week with another installment of just that - see you then, same time, same place.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There’s been many a Hollywood tale about heists, crimes of passion, or devious mob plots, ranging from all sorts of different time periods, locations, and gimmicks. Magicians robbing banks, docu-series about murder for hire between jilted lovers, and of course, Bobby and Uncle June remind us all the Carmine Lupertazzi invented points shaving. There’s not too many fantasized works, however, that cover any of the great Canadian crimes of all time. There’s of course “Gentleman Bandit” Bill Miner, who pulled off two train robberies in 1904 and 1906 (that one was in my birthplace of Kamloops, BC – fun fact for you). I’d be remiss, too, not to mention the Great Syrup Heist between 2011-2012, which genuinely threatened the stability of the national economy and dollar-for-dollar, is the biggest heist in Canadian history. It still continues to this day, too, as the Ontario Ballet had their entire Nutcracker production set stolen this week, only to be recovered a day later. When is Martin Scorsese going to get off his ass and make us a Canuck-inspired crime thriller?

Starting things off with some Wayne divisional action, NoKe hosted BlahBlahBlah in a battle of the haves and the have-nots. The B’s, in addition to not having a very good position in the standings, also didn’t have too many points. Stalwart RB Christian McCaffery (24) and the Raiders D/ST (17) might have delivered, but the rest of this squad decided to take the week off early in anticipation of Yank Thanksgiving, or at least that’s my assumption. NoKe, on the other hand, still has their foot on the gas, as they got great performances from QB Caleb Williams (20), WR Rashee Rice (24), and the Bills D/ST (26). The true showpiece of the day, however, was RB Jahmyr Gibbs, whose 54 points, in almost any other year, would have surely notched top spot in scoring for the season, posting 219 rushing yards, 11 catches for 45, and 3 total tuddys in an exceptional outing. NoKe rolls to a 169-82 win, further cementing their grip on the division.

Council of Steel went on the road against Rockme Mama in a mad scramble towards a wild card spot. The Council certainly presented a compelling argument to the board, with 18 from the Jaguars D/ST, 21 from RB James Cook, and 24 from RB Ashton Jeanty. Their efforts were hampered, however, by a weak effort from Brock Purdy, the absence of Jameson Williams, and the downright counterproductive P Corliss Waitman, whose negative two is the second-worst score of the year so far. Team Rockme turned the volume up, blasting points across the board with 16 from K Harrison Butker, 20 from QB Jacoby Brissett (who would have thought), 23 from WR Davante Adams, and an impressive 35 from the Browns D/ST. The Rockers take a 143-113 win here, crucial for their late-season push for a postseason berth.

The Nerd Herd is certainly not in any position to try for said postseason berth as they hosted Dr. Strangelove Me Do, who are another squad still in the hunt to punch their ticket. The Strange Lovers had some strange strategies come game time, as another backwards punter this week (Riley Dixon in this one) certainly didn’t help their cause. QB Dak Prescott (27), RB Emmanuel Wilson (25), the Lions D/ST (24), and WR Michael Wilson (21), however, all certainly did, proving that if you show a little love and believe in yourself, anything is possible. The Herd might just be playing for pride at this point, but by God they were determined to keep it. WR Khalil Shakir had 18, RB Derrick Henry posted 22, and TE Hunter Henry and the Ravens D/ST had a pair of 24’s to keep the Herd respectable. It didn’t add up to a win, though, as the Lovers take the dub 155-147, and with that loss, the Herd are the first to fall to impending doom as they are officially eliminated from the postseason. RIP in peace to Nerd Herd.

Running the opposite direction over in the Keenan, Hillbilly Blitz took the journey to face off against the Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center in a scrabble to claw their way out of a divisional last-place finish. The Blitz saw good efforts from WR Wandale Robinson (28) and the Texans D/ST (32), but ground game specialists Allgeier and Corum must have gotten lost in the woods. QB Baker Mayfield took some hard knocks as well, and the time-tested “shop bandage” of a blue paper towel and some ‘lectricity tape was not enough to address his very legitimate medical concerns, leading to an early exit. The Azerbaijanis, despite the lack of Alvin Kamara, managed to translate more than a few user guides out of English accurately, and used that documentation to string together some good individual efforts into and overall competent result. 20 from RB Travis Etienne, 22 each from both QB Matt Stafford and WR Parker Washington, and 29 from the Patriots D/ST earned the Scientists just enough grant money to stay in business for another week, as they pick up the 132-101 win.

Next up, the Destroyers played host to Notorious P.I.G. The Destroyers lived up to their name in this one, pulling out all the stops and giving their all and then some. The headline act was 39 from WR Chimere Dike, but with support from QB Patrick Mahomes (19) and the Steelers D/ST (19), this was a strong effort on all fronts with everything left on the field. For the Notorious Ones, WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (29), the 49ers D/ST (22), and QB Drake Maye (17) all put their best foot forward, but this front office is going to need One More Chance to prove that they can successfully manage their personnel as they let this game slip out of reach due to poor lineup choices. The Destroyers desperately needed a win here to stay in the fight, and they certainly earned it this week, as they triumph, 145-132.

Our primetime game of the week saw league-leading Franco’s Italian Army take the long ride to God’s Country to face off against the Todd Squad. Despite OptiBet setting the lines and listing the Francophiles as very heavy favorites, a couple of stats sharps at the Bellyash Sports Bureau actually predicted this as an upset win for God’s Country. It turns out that the smart money wasn’t too far off, as this one came down to the wire. Despite 29 from WR George Pickens, 16 from WR Puka Nacua, and 16 from the Seahawks D/ST, the Army suffered from a lack of heavy hitters, and any military historian will tell you it’s hard to win a battle without artillery or air support, both of which were lacking here. The Todd Squad certainly smelled blood in the water, as they bolstered their efforts on the back of a 19-point performance from RB Kareem Hunt, a strong 29 from the Packers D/ST, and a very impressive 36 from WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba. The -1 from P Johnny Hekker, however, was God’s Country’s undoing, as they came up just short, being on the wrong end of a 120-119 final score, as FIA, despite dropping their first matchup of the year, extends their now 11-game heater. The win for the Francophiles earns them two prizes – first, half of the Deus Ex Machina Award for closest win of the year, and second, the right to be the first franchise to punch their ticket to the 2025 edition of the big dance. Congratulations to Franco’s Italian Army – playoff bound! Despite their extremely strong efforts, the Todd Squad’s only reward for this one is the ignominy of exclusion, as their loss officially banishes them to the non-playoff doldrums. RIP in peace to God’s Country.

Sure, there’s no shortage of notable Canadian crimes, but as you well know, I’ve had my fair share of brushes with the wrong end of the law, too. I’ve paid bail for my cousins so many times I’ve lost count, I had my run-in with the Mounties for that tax misunderstanding a little while back, some crazed bounty hunter picked me up in Florida one of these past winters, and my “solar farming” project…well, let me not speak on that – I’m still on Crown probation, after all. All I’m saying is if Mr. Scorsese needs a consultant from the Great White North to throw a little maple leaf flair on his next screenplay, I’m available, and well-qualified for the position. Just make sure you toss me a writing credit on IMDB afterwards.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

As we live in an information age, it’s impossible to resist the pull of becoming a so-called “global citizen”, and the biggest factor in that change has to do with whatever gizmo or doodad you’re reading this on right now. It’s true – the Internet is possibly the most influential and powerful achievement that man has ever created. Yet somehow, despite being invented by the British, having the largest total user group in China, and the group that’s in charge of the whole thing being run by a Swede, the Internet is decidedly America-flavored, to the point that you might not realize other countries even have access to it. I’m here to remind you that yes, we definitely do, and we’re irritated (at least up here in Canadaland) because the Internet continues to insist that we all celebrate Thanksgiving on the wrong day. I – correctly – celebrated Thanksgiving this and every year on the second Monday of October (the 12th this year), but out of begrudging deference, I at least acknowledge that many of you probably had some big turkey dinners recently, so for those of you that were a month and a half late to the game – Happy Thanksgiving. For argument’s sake this week, let’s imagine the league as one big dysfunctional batch of in-laws gathered around the table to share the biggest meal imaginable.

First to the dinner party (on the Wayne side of the family) were one of the grandmas (Rockme Mama) and the weird nephew that quit his job during COVID and has just been making social media food posts ever since (Nerd Herd). GrandMama Rockme brought some typical delicious pies that everyone was sure to enjoy – Bijan Robinson Blueberry/Raspberry (30), Davante Adams Apple (21), and Nico Collins Custard Crème (20). While everyone suspected that the Nerdy nephew just wanted an excuse to stop working, stay in the basement, and re-paint all 19 of his Raven Army Defenders, it turns out those experimental cooking videos he’s been making might have translated to real skills. The Jared Goff Ganache (21) was a surprise star, and after taking over the oven for the last half-hour, the skin on the turkey was perfectly A.J. Browned (35). Turns out, the Herd might get a job as a chef, as they take a win, 133-121.

Next to arrive were Uncle Strangelove Me Do, who’s still way too in to old movies, and Auntie BlahBlahBlah, who talks about politics EVERY SINGLE TIME. After the good Doctor Doolittle finished chowing down on his Trey McBride turkey leg (22), he spent far too long trying to convince anyone who would listen that Dak Prescott (21) was actually a session drummer for ABBA once, and that Kavontae Turpin (19) is the same size as Glenn Danzig (they’re actually pretty close…KT is 5’9” 154lbs, within a half-inch and five pounds of me. -W). Auntie B came in hot, starting an argument over whether Josh Allen or Christian McCaffery would make a better NYC mayor, before complaining that D’Andre Swift and Zach Ertz get too many votes on the disciplinary committee with 20 each. Thankfully, the topic shifted to a slightly more friendly group discussion on whether or not the Denver Airport is cursed, with Auntie B winning the whole argument using her Bluecifer Bronco defense (21). With all the talking points summarized, BlahBlahBlah wins 124-115, as both squads stay hungry in the playoff hunt.

Finally, the Cousins of Steel showed up a bit late after stopping to pick up their dad, Uncle NoKe, who just lost half his foot in that foundry accident (but he’s being a good sport about it). At the traditional halftime backyard pigskin toss-around, he decided to play to his new strengths, showcasing soft hands for an ironworker after watching some video tips from Rashee Rice (27). He can still toss the rock as good as Joe Burrow (19), too, and is just barely fast enough to keep up with the younger kids and play a little D-line…at least as good as the Rams can (18). Good God, though, he can NOT kick anymore, as everyone saw after he was goaded into it by some of the drunker in-laws. The Cousins, also being in the family business, just played their role in the contest, slow at the start as they were still burning off the desserts each had devoured (one ate 17 slices of Brock Purdy pie, the other one had 17 James Cook-ies). Donning a Colts-era Robert Mathis jersey on D (16), it was actually the Cousins’ hands that wowed the younger kids – 27 tantalizing grabs a la Jameson Williams. The Cousins outran the Uncle, as Council of Steel took a 146-105 victory before taking Dad home after dinner, but he had the last laugh, as with Rockme and Strangelove’s losses, NoKe is the next group to punch their ticket to postseason glory. Congratulations to NoKe – playoff bound!

The first of the Keenans to get there had quite the long trip, driving all the way from God’s Country. Turns out, when you make food at home and then just chuck it in the backseat for nine hours, it doesn’t keep or travel very well. Perhaps aware of this fact, one of the gang from the Todd Squad quietly snuck onto the back porch and ordered Chinese delivery, so they could at least put 23 Devin Singletary spareribs on the table and contribute to the meal. The Packers-themed “G” shape cheeseboard sort of morphed into a “D” shape in the car, but at least it was salvageable, so everyone got to try at least one of the 15 different kinds of cow product. By contrast, the Destroyers set out to dominate dinner, slaving away in the kitchen for three days ahead of time. Those effort were certainly worthwhile, as everyone raved about the Patrick Mahomes-inspired Pumpkin Mashed Potatoes (28), devoured a mountain of delicious CeeDee Lamb chops (24), and were big fans of their take on Jason Myers’ (19) mac-n-cheese recipe, everything being served on a gold-plated Steel(ers) platter (21). After washing it all down with some RJ Harvey Cola (20), a Southern classic, the Destroyers could rest assured that they destroyed everyone’s waistlines with their massive 170-86 meal.

No one is really sure how Hillbilly Blitz is related to anyone else in the family (best not to ask), but they keep showing up with beers and fireworks at every major holiday, so everyone just sort of rolls with it. After dinner was over, they set up some Texan-size mortars (21) and the Trevor Lawrence Tubular Launcher (21), and dazzled the neighborhood with a pyrotechnic display while sipping from a jar of ‘shine – no Chaser (18), Jamarr or otherwise. Keenan cousin Notorious P.I.G. is so committed to his awful local rap career that he left dinner early to do a gig in front of an audience of seventeen, but at least before he left he dropped off a dish of Browers Brussel Sprouts (22). Not wanting to give up his street cred, he told everyone that he was late to the show because he got stopped by the police before they dropped the charges, but he mispronounced it as “Chargers” (23) and everyone made fun of him – should have just stayed home with the family, kid. The Blitz were clearly the more popular party guests here, as they won 126-96.

Finally, the two culinary oddballs of the group wandered in, those being the New Jersey family clan made up entirely of Franco’s Italian Army, and someone’s definitely-not-a-mail-order-bride from Azerbaijan. They don’t exactly do Thanksgiving in Azerbaijan, but at least a genuine attempt was made with a very Patriotic (36) green bean casserole that was well received. The substitution of cranberry sauce for strawberry murabba, the container of dovga instead of squash bisque, and just the general presence of dolma, on the other hand, were definitely less appreciated.  The Francophiles know good food, just maybe not Thanksgiving-specific food, but that wasn’t going to stop them. Devon Arrabbiata (19), Bruschetta Nix (17), and Jonathan Tortellini (15) were all a little weird for the specific meal, but were still eaten up with no leftovers as they were hard to resist. It was the Seahawk scallopine, though, that was the real hit, proving to be the equally or maybe even more popular bird-meat-based dish. With 51 extremely large servings to go around, everyone had seconds and thirds, just like Nonna would have wanted. With room for only one set of alternative culture foods at this table, it’s the Francophiles who triumph 140-103, ensuring that next year, we’ll just ask the Azerbaijanis to bring the plates and napkins, and that this year, they’re kicked out of the postseason. RIP in peace to Aizerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center.

Hopefully you’ve all recovered from your heavy doses of tryptophan, cholesterol, and requisite antacids. There is something to be said for having a massive, heavy, hearty meal with friends and family when it’s that much colder outside, but I’ll be honest, I don’t think it gives you enough time to recover before loosening the belt another notch for Christmas greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes, lamb, ham, hogs, dogs, chickens, turkeys, you name it. I’m already a month into dropping my extra weight so I can hopefully fit into the same-size sweater that Aunt Mabel knits me every year, although I suspect I’m not too many years removed from keeping it on intentionally so I can play old St. Nick – and survive through these cold Canadian winters without dying from exposure.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There have been some truly epic efforts by teams and sportsmen throughout history to will themselves and their teammates into the postseason or to a championship. Halls of Fame are chock-full of cups and trophies engraved with names that just a few weeks before their names were etched, many would have dismissed as legitimate contenders. Just last year, the Cleveland Guardians made a mad dash starting September 1st to overcome a 10.5 game gap to snatch their division on the final day of the season. The 1999 St. Louis Rams, “The Greatest Show On Turf”, earned their moniker by closing out the regular season by winning seven out of eight to punch their ticket before eventually winning a Super Bowl. Gearheads and movie buffs alike will remember the 1976 Formula 1 season and the epic duel between James Hunt and Niki Lauda for that year’s championship. Here we stand, Week 14 of National Holley League action, and we’ve got a postseason scramble on our hands, too, folks. It just doesn’t get any better than this.

Starting things off in the Keenan and with the only game featuring two teams whose fates are already both settled, the Todd Squad left the verdant pastures of God’s Country and took the long trip to Baku to face the Azerbaijanis in the final installment of the 2025 Holden Cup. Clearly, the Todd Squad had plenty of time to scheme up some production on the plane ride, despite Romeo Doubs suffering from jet lag. The Packer D/ST (16), QB Sam Darnold (21), WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (26) and RB Tony Pollard (28) all combined for a well-balanced, efficient attack, all posting very strong numbers. The Azerbaijanis, on the other hand, were too scared to come out of the lab, with only brief sightings of RB Travis Etienne (20) and QB Matthew Stafford (23) as they dashed out in their white lab coats, only to lock themselves in the server room to keep mining that blockchain, which is something they still seem to think is done with a literal pickaxe. The Todd Squad takes a 135-92 win here, and despite their earlier elimination, once again looks like a strong contender in this year’s Dash For Cash.

Next up, the Destroyers hosted Hillbilly Blitz in a mad scramble over one of the remaining wild card spots. True to form, Blitz GM Mike G could not be bothered to come out of the woods in what is week two of deer season, and just told the front office to “let the players play” – whatever that means. Wandale Robinson and George Kittle must not have gotten the memo, instead electing to join their GM up on a tree stand. The Texans D/ST (23) is still advocating for beef instead of venison on your dinner table, and QB Trevor Lawrence (19) and Dicker the Kicker (20) did some heavy lifting, but with the rest of the squad exhausted after dragging a few 8-pointers out of the brush, the Blitz were clearly preoccupied. The Destroyers, meanwhile, also set out to live up to their namesake, but in a different way. With only the punter and possibly washed-up Patrick Mahomes in the single-digits, these boys were set to kill. RB RJ Harvey (21), WR CeeDee Lamb (18, and playing hurt), WR Chimere Dike (17), RB Kyren Williams (17), and the Steeler D/ST (16) all got a little tape in the highlight reel, as the Destroyers handily win this one, 138-90, staying on top in the playoff hunt, and relegating the Blitz to the second tier of postseason elimination. RIP in peace to Hillbilly Blitz.

Name a more iconic pairing than a team led by GM Will and a late-season collapse of monumental proportions. You can’t, and that’s what had Franco’s Italian Army salivating on the road against Notorious P.I.G. this week. The Francophiles are secure in their postseason berth having already clinched the Keenan, but a little insurance (or insurance fraud) can’t hurt. With the Seahawks D/ST (38) as hired muscle to back up trusted enforcer WR Puka Nacua (35), they ran off any longshoreman left hanging around and kept a lookout for the law. It was WR Christian Watson’s (24) turn to earn his bones as he poured the kerosene all over the warehouse floor, while QB Bo Nix (17) lit the match and RB Devon Achane (17) kept the getaway car idling nearby as they all watched the place burn to the ground with the Piggies still inside. “When I die, ****  it, I wanna go to hell” might have been the lyric, but I don’t think the Notorious Ones meant that so literally. This franchise found themselves in familiar territory, though, beating their heads against the wall with late-season bye woes and underperforming, overpaid talent. Jalen Hurts (3) had five turnovers and became the first player in modern NFL history to be charged with two turnovers on the same play. That’s a microcosm of how this game went for the Piggies. WR Zay Flowers (20) and TE Dallas Goedert (15) put in a good effort, but that’s genuinely the only good things I can say about these guys this week. The Francophiles romp to a 180-93 win, as the Piggies’ loss means they finally lose their tenuous grasp on that oh-so-important wild card spot.

Over in the Wayne, the already-eliminated Nerd Herd played host to BlahBlahBlah, who are desperately scrambling to stay in the playoff chase. The B’s gameplan was simple – get control over Fire God Josh Allen, point him at the opposition, and let ‘er rip. He didn’t disappoint, notching 35 points, tossing tuddys to the likes of WR Tee Higgins (27) and WE Jerry Jeudy (16) with the Bronco D/ST (24) shored things up on the other side of the ball. Meanwhile, the Herd further proved why this just isn’t their year. Despite 18 from QB Jared Goff, 16 from A.J. Brown, and a pair of 15’s from RB Bucky Irving and the Ravens D/ST, it just wasn’t enough, and -2 from P Corey Bojorquez dragged them down even further. The B’s win convincingly, 145-109, and keep their playoff dreams alive, proving that despite their 7-7 record, this is a team that you cannot turn your back on.

Next up, Council Of Steel went on the road to face Dr. Strangelove Me Do to see who would come out one game better than a 7-7 .500 record, and stay in the fight for the postseason. I’ll try to be polite…this was an absolute beatdown. Here’s the positive for the Council – WR Javonte Williams had 16 points. The end. The 3 RB’s combined for 15, Travis Kelce had 1, P Jake Bailey somehow had 0 despite 6 punts, and QB Tyrod Taylor went 1 of 4 for 6 yards and a pick, giving him -2 and becoming only the second non-punter to go negative this year. The Lovers, meanwhile, found all the points the Council lost and claimed them as their own. WR Michael Wilson (37) dropped a bomb that the front office loved, K Brent Aubrey went absolutely crazy with 25, and WR Kavonte Turpin dazzled with 21. RB Saquon Barkley (18), QB Dak Prescott (17), and RB Josh Jacobs (16) all turned in performances that would have been top 3 on most other teams this week as well. The Good Doctors could have had more, but eventually took their foot off the gas, confident they would maintain their lead. At the final bell, the results came to be a 166-61 drubbing in favor of Dr. Strangelove, with the Council’s crushing loss firmly sending them to the playoff doldrums, and further cementing their grip on The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for the lowest score of the season. RIP in peace to Council of Steel.

Finally, our primetime game of the week saw playoff lock NoKe play host to Rockme Mama. This one was a little too close for comfort for NoKe, as the Rockme boys just wouldn’t go away. QB Jacoby Brissett (19) came out of nowhere with a very solid game, backed up by a Browns defensive unit (19) that proved quite formidable. WR Nico Collins (16) and RB Jaylen Warren (15) also served as an effective one-two punch, dealing damage that should put most teams on notice. With some weak performances in the receiver room, NoKe had to reach into their bag of tricks for this one, relying almost entirely on the production of RB Jahmyr Gibbs (36), with help from the Rams D/ST (24), QB Joe Burrow (22) and RB Chase Brown (18). The two-headed monsters escape with a 126-114 win, but Team Rockme is still in the hunt here and could cause some major problems if the opposition isn’t careful.

With only one more week of regular season action remaining, let’s take our first (and final) look at the playoff picture for this year. Our two division champions have already been crowned in Franco’s Italian Army and NoKe, who are guaranteed the 1st and 2nd seeds. The wild card picture is a bit more muddy, as Dr. Strangelove Me Do, the Destroyers, and Notorious P.I.G. are locked in a 3-way tie below them. Strangelove holds that tie-breaker between the three on head-to-head record, and the Destroyers hold the tiebreaker over the Piggies on points for, leaving the Piggies as the first team on the outside looking in. Rockme Mama and BlahBlahBlah are still in it at 7-7 each, with Team Rockme holding that tiebreaker on head-to-head record. A la Fox Sports, here’s the playoff odds for each team remaining, and my best guess at the scenario needed to guarantee a postseason berth (don’t take those to the bank, they haven’t been verified by the Bellyash Sports Bureau yet)–

Dr. Strangelove Me Do – 52% - Win, OR Destroyers/P.I.G. loss

Destroyers – 43% - Win (just win, baby)

Notorious P.I.G. – 42% - Win AND Destroyers/Strangelove loss

Rockme Mama – 6% - Win AND Strangelove + Destroyers/P.I.G. loss

BlahBlahBlah – 9% - Win AND Rockme + Strangelove + Destroyers/P.I.G. loss   

Oh, and just to make things interesting? In Week 15, Strangelove plays division champ NoKe, the Destroyers play division champs Franco’s Italian Army, and Rockme Mama and BlahBlahBlah play…each other. I might explode from the excitement.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Remember how last week I said I was so excited I might explode? Turns out that wasn’t exactly the hyperbole that I thought it was. Usually, the neighbors aren’t but so surprised when one of my “dizzy spells” ends with me asleep on the front lawn for a few hours, but last Thursday morning when they came outside to find me in the same spot in the snow I was in at lunchtime on Wednesday with no empty bottle nearby, they thought it best to call a free government ambulance for yours truly. A few heart palpitations and a trip the doctor later, they’ve got me back home with a new kind of chest pain and a steady diet of nitroglycerin pills, although I might switch to just gnawing on sticks of dynamite like a hard pretzel for a gameday snack.

As the regular season draws to a close, we start things off with a pair of matchups featuring teams who already know their postseason destiny or lack thereof. Our early game window saw Council of Steel facing off against Nerd Herd in a race to the bottom for next year’s number one draft pick. Without that context, though, you may be forgiven for thinking that this was a contest between potential playoff rivals, as both teams put together some very strong efforts. The Council had nearly all voting members present, with WR Chris Olave (20), QB Brock Purdy (25) and WR Jameson Williams (26) representing the passing game, RB James Cook (30) making compelling arguments on behalf of the rushing attack, and the Colts (18) representing the defense. The Herd had a bit more of a mishmash group in the building, with QB Jared Goff (25) being his usual stalwart self in trying to motivate the rest of this otherwise struggling unit. The Ravens D/ST, however, certainly answered the bell and were eager to reclaim a bit of pride to close out the regular season, with a forced fumble, three sacks, two picks, and defensive touchdown on the way to picking up 42 points. An impressive effort, but not quite enough, as the Council (7-8) close out their campaign with a 152-131 win over Nerd Herd (3-12).

Next up, Hillbilly Blitz were kind enough to get out of the tree stand for a little while to host God’s Country. The Todd Squad are battle weary and long for the verdant pastures of home, but that didn’t slow down WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (18) and RB Tony Pollard (17), both of whom had very nice 100+ yard days with the latter grabbing a touchdown to boot. K Cam Little (12) also had a strong performance, a perfect 6/6 XPs and 2/2 on three pointers, although I suppose the kickers don’t get as beat up as everyone else. The Blitz certainly had their fair share of lowlights, but QB Baker Mayfield (18), TE George Kittle (22), the Texans D/ST (22), and WR Jamarr Chase (23) all put in very strong performances, leaving the rest of the league to wonder what this franchise would have been capable of this year if they didn’t succumb to buck fever. The Blitz (6-9) close out their regular season on a high with a 133-100 win over God’s Country, who slip to 4-11.

Now, the meat and potatoes of the week. Rockme Mama and BlahBlahBlah faced off in a battle of the longshots, as both teams needed a win and some help to stay alive in the playoff hunt. Their first hurdle, however, was each other, so both teams fought tooth and nail to climb over the other as neither could afford any duds in their lineup – but they both had a few. The Rockers were let down on the special teams front, and Dalton Kincaid could have hustled a little harder. On a more positive note, QB Jacoby Brissett continues to prove that he is the one true elite NFL quarterback in a Cardinals uniform, as he notched 19 points. WR Nico Collins (23) got his elbows out and did H-town proud, and RB Bijan Robinson (29) put on for Eas Alanna Zone Six in a Dirty South fusion dance. The B’s also had some punter and tight end woes, as Trevor Townsend and Isiah Likely (along with Jerry Jeudy) were scarcely seen. A strong Bronco D/ST (27) held the opposition in check with 2 picks and 3 sacks, while RB D’Andre Swift and QB Josh Allen combined for a pair of 22’s and 5 total touchdowns between them. With each team leaving it all on the field, these two could hardly be separated as they fought fiercely to the end, with the final score being a 129-129 tie, sending this one up to Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman to declare a winner. With the B’s scoring 8 total touchdowns to the Rocker’s 6, BlahBlahBlah (8-7) earns the Deus Ex Machina Award for the closest win of the year, and emerge from this one victorious over Rockme Mama (7-8), sending them home without a playoff hope. RIP in peace to Rockme Mama. The B’s weren’t out of the woods yet, though, as they’d need a loss from either the Destroyers or Notorious P.I.G., plus a loss by Dr. Strangelove Me Do, to keep on dancing.

The B’s first hope (but longest shot) at playoff salvation was tied to the outcome of the eliminated Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center on the road against the Notorious P.I.G., themselves clinging to playoff life as they needed a win of their own, and losses from either the Destroyers or Dr. Strangelove Me Do. Eager to help their own cause, the Piggies put together what’s probably their most complete game of the year, with TE Brock Bowers being perhaps the only surprise under-performer on this roster. Despite playing a team not in postseason contention, The Notorious Ones bite their tongue for no one, even if you call it evil or unbelievable, as WR Amon-Ra St. Brown showed out with a massive 41-point game, hauling in 13 passes for 164 yards and two scores. RB Tyrone Tracy finally came good with 24, QB Drake Maye had 21 in another very strong outing, and K Ka’imi Fairbairn’s 17 was another excellent contribution. The Azerbaijanis, on the other hand, perhaps drew some inspiration from their position in global geopolitics and relished their chance to play spoiler. Despite a negative contribution from punter Astin McNamara, the Scientists were able to formulate 21 from QB Matthew Stafford, 25 from WR/KR Rashid Shaheed, 29 from RB Treyveon Henderson, and 31 from wide-receiver-masquerading-as-an-RB Travis Etienne. While their strong efforts were certainly noticed, they weren’t enough to get them a W, as the Azerbaijanis (4-11) lose a 167-159 effort to Notorious P.I.G. (9-6), leaving the Piggies and the B’s waiting with bated breath to see what else would happen around the league.

Dr. Strangelove Me Do didn’t have the simplest path to the postseason, but they definitely had the easiest, needing only a win of their own, or a loss by either the Destroyers or Notorious P.I.G. to advance. Knowing the Piggies were still alive, the Lovers entered their matchup against Wayne champs and postseason locks NoKe eager to settle their own destiny for themselves. Despite being heavy favorites, the defending league champions, and this year’s divisional champions, NoKe showed a few cracks in the armor, most notably from QB Joe Burrow, who had an absolute stinker. The Chiefs D/ST had 27, RB Chase Brown had 15, and everyone else was resting for the playoffs by my best guess, as this NoKe squad was in danger of earning a Travis Bickell Memorial “Taxi Squad” Award for an outperforming bench. The Lovers, eager to control their own destiny, put it all out there, led by 37 from TE Trey McBride doing his best peak Gronk impression. 26 from the Eagles D/ST, 22 from RB Josh Jacobs, 16 each from RB Saquon Barkley and WR Michael Wilson, and 14 from K Brandon Aubrey (despite two misses!) all bolstered the Lover’s total to earn them a convincing result. Dr. Strangelove Me Do (9-6) handled their opponents in a preview of next week’s game, taking Week 15 in a 181-102 victory over NoKe (11-4), and in doing so, both secure their postseason berth and banish the B’s. RIP in peace to BlahBlahBlah. Congratulations to Dr. Strangelove Me Do – playoff bound!

Finally, the Destroyers had the simplest path to the playoffs – win, and you’re in. A Destroyer victory would also ensure that the Piggies were out, so there was plenty riding on this one as the Destroyers played host to juggernauts Franco’s Italian Army, riding a 13-game winning streak. You wouldn’t have known they were on a 13-game heater based on this one, though, as much like divisional champ counterparts NoKe, the Francophiles seemed to be resting up before their big game next week. WR Puka Nacua (27) and RB Devon Achane (18) can’t be switched off, so their big games weren’t too much of a surprise, while the Seahawks D/ST (23) had the benefit of playing against a literal grandparent on the other side of the ball (fun fact, Phillip Rivers is one of only two players in NFL history to be a grandfather while being an active player. The other one? Brett Favre. – W.) The likes of George Pickens, Jake Ferguson, and Lamar Jackson, however, kept it on Easy Street this week. The Destroyers, having something to play for, stayed off the surface roads and kept it on the interstate, smashing every speed record in sight on their weekend-long cannonball run. RB Kyren Williams posted 21, while K Jason Myers (24) booted a perfect 6/6 field goals in a career day, with two coming from beyond the 50-yard mark. WR Courtland Sutton had 24 as well, and the Jags D/ST (28) had 3 picks and 3 sacks in a very solid outing. TE Kyle Pitts, however, was the star of the show, grabbing 11 balls for 166 and three TD’s enroute to racking up 45 points, leading the Destroyers (9-6) to a 205-117 victory, absolutely crushing Franco’s Italian Army (13-2) and snapping their win streak, as the Francophiles will surely be gunning for revenge next week. That revenge game is only possible since the Destroyers’ victory ensures their postseason presence, and with it, knocks out Notorious P.I.G. over whom they held the tiebreaker. RIP in peace to Notorious P.I.G. Congratulations to the Destroyers – playoff bound!

With that, the regular season is in the books, and the postseason is set. #1 seed Franco’s Italian Army will have their chance for revenge against #4 Destroyers, and #2 seed NoKe, the defending champs, will look to retain their crown against familial rivals #3 Dr. Strangelove Me Do. The rest of the teams still have something to fight for, as well – the 2025 edition of the Dash For Cash kicks off next week for the remaining poor unfortunates on the outside looking in. There’s nothing quite like postseason drama, and with my newly prescribed regimen, I’m better equipped than ever to handle it. See you all here next week on the postseason battleground!

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider 

There’s no doubt about it – we’re deep into the season, where the days are short and dark, the play is heating up, but the winds whip ever colder across the gridiron. It’s become so cold, in fact, that even us Canucks are starting to complain about the frigid temps, with a frigid Siberian front blowing in across the Yukon. With air temperatures on the wrong side of -50 in Deadhorse this week (that’s -60 in Freedoms), the territorial government is warning of pending rolling blackouts if the weather sticks around, as the hardy folk of the North are currently using about 85% of the available energy generated in the territory. With temps here at home in Regina floating around a comparatively balmy -10 or so (10-20 Freedoms without wind chill), everyone here is still out and about…except for yours truly, who stayed stuck to the couch, glued to the action of our first round of the postseason, eager to learn who would make it all the way to the top and face off in The Big Game At The End Of The Year Championship Title Pay-Per-View Event (exclusively streaming on Scamazon Supreme).

Starting things off with the Dash For Cash (once again presented by Enron), let’s take a look at the poor unfortunates who are all scrambling to try and keep the books balanced in our end-of-season scoring challenge.

#8 – 101 pts. – God’s Country. The Todd Squad is going to be fighting an uphill battle this year in the Dash For Cash, with a majority of the team getting an early start on their offseason plans. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba is still playing his heart out with 23 (is it a contract year for him?) and QB Sam Darnold (17) gave a good effort, but it seems like the greener pastures of home are already calling loudly in God’s Country.

#7 – 108 pts. – BlahBlahBlah. The effort from the B’s this week was a snapshot of their season as a whole – high, high peaks, and low, low valleys. Bellcow RB Christian McCaffery was his usual dominant self, stacking 31 impressive points in a two-score day, while the Broncos D/ST (16) didn’t light the world on fire but did put together a decent performance. This squad is going to need some significant help from the likes of Josh Allen and Isiah Likely to be in with a shout this time next week.

#6 – 124 pts. – Hillbilly Blitz. Deer season is still in and the effects are still noticeable, with a fair few roster spots only half occupied by guys trying to land another buck before the deadline instead of focusing on gameday. The Texans D/ST (28), TE George Kittle (24) and WR Jamarr Chase (19) must have already bagged a limit, because they came to play this week with full commitment. If Mark Andrews and Tyler Allgeier can be lured out of their tree stands for a bit longer next week, this team might have more than a full deep freezer to celebrate.

#5 – 125 pts. – Rockme Mama. With the Blitz in hot pursuit, the Rockme boys will need something special next week to pull away, but they’re certainly set up for success. The Browns D/ST (15), RB Bijan Robinson (29) and RB Jaylen Warren (33) are all putting in good work and will look to keep that going, and if Justin Herbert and Kenneth Walker can find a way to contribute, this is a squad that could easily find themselves back in the black come season’s end.

#4 – 135 pts. – Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center. Maybe the Azerbaijanis haven’t grasped that the season is effectively done with yet, because they put together another strong near-complete game this week. With QB Matt Stafford (31) dealing to TE Harold Fannin (19), RB Travis Etienne (16) had room to run while the Vikings D/ST (23) did a good job on the other side of the ball. A replacement for Treyveon Henderson will be needed, but a look at the Scientists’ bench reveals plenty of talent waiting in the wings for a high-power attack next week.

#3 – 149 pts. – Notorious P.I.G. Coming up a point shy of the next spot up, the Piggies are a day late and a dollar short for the second week in a row, but they aren’t going going, back back, to Cali Cali quite yet. The 49ers D/ST (38) feasted on Grandpappy Rivers this week, while QB Drake Maye (23) continues to make his case for MVP and WR Zay Flowers (20), even with his questionable hands, continues to find ways to swing the tide of the game – mostly to the positive this week. The Notorious Ones certainly appear poised to defend what’s left of their turf for one more week – we’ll see if they keep totin’ Glocks and slingin’ rocks, or if they get run off the block.

#2 – 150 pts. – Nerd Herd. You wouldn’t know that this was our 2025 last-place finisher by their performance this week. Double 27’s from QB Jared Goff and RB Kenneth Gainwell, 22 from RB Derrick Henry, 19 from WR Tetairoa McMillan, and 18 from WR A.J. Brown just goes to show you that when it comes to these genetic freaks, the numbers don’t lie, and they very well could spell Disaster for you come next week. (Thanks to Mean Gene Oakerland for reminding me of this gem from Scott Steiner.)

#1 – 178 pts. – Council Of Steel. With the league’s front office deep in the midst of a historical documentation project, many of the older records and results from the early days of the NHL are floating back to the surface, chief among them that the Council do have a championship pedigree. This squad was certainly flashing that old form this week, with some dazzling performances from a miraculously still healthy WR Chris Olave (36), a finally living-up-to-the-hype RB Ashton Jeanty (31), still-surprising QB Brock Purdy (26), and stalwart stud RB James Cook (25). The Council has built up a commanding lead and proved themselves this week to be the best of the rest, something they’ll look to maintain for the final week of play.

With the first round of the NHL playoffs serving as equal parts wild card round and conference championships, we start things off in the Wayne, where Duke of Sealand Cup winner and defending champs NoKe were in search of a win to continue their title defense against the visiting Dr. Strangelove Me Do. Strange was the word of the day when it came to the Lovers’ personnel management, with the team carrying three defenses on the roster into this matchup. The starting lineup featured the worst-performing of the three in the Eagles (17), leaving 11 or 14 points behind depending on the player comp. There were also three RB’s getting the nod in this one, leaving WR Devonta Smith’s 16-point day out of the flex spot in favor of 6 from RB Michael Carter. At least the Jaxon Dart benching paid off, as QB Dak Prescott (19) continues to deliver from under center. RB Saquon Barkley (21) and WR/KR Kavonte Turpin (18) also did plenty of heavy lifting for the Good Doctors. The preceding manpower malpractice, however, left the door open for the defending champs. NoKe also dialed up a ground-game-focused attack, even with the absence of Woody Marks, but found much more success in doing so. RB’s Omarion Hampton (16), Jahmyr Gibbs (21) and Chase Brown (32) combined for a formidable ground ‘n’ pound offense, forcing the defense to respect the run. This gave QB Joe Burrow (27) a little extra breathing room to work with, and plenty of time for the Bills D/ST (22) to rest up between drives and stay fresh. This game shows why the defending champs are just that, as they capitalize on the opportunities available to them and take the win, 155-109, advancing to the championship contest.

Over in the Keenan, dominant Duke Of Sealand Cup winners Franco’s Italian Army played host to the hardnosed Destroyers to see who would be facing off for glory against NoKe. Despite the net zero from the Destroyers’ kicking corps, some familiar faces from Mike B’s group once again found themselves at the top of the scoring table. WR Chimere Dike (27) might be the steal player of the year, RB R.J. Harvey (22) continues to live up to preseason hype, and WR Courtland Sutton (20) has managed to keep his temper under control and continues to have a bounce-back season for the books. They were joined by the Jaguars D/ST (23), who continue to be a top-5 unit, TE Kyle Pitts (18) who has finally started to live up to expectations as of late, and QB Bryce Young (17), who is also showing flashes of who we thought he might be as a rookie. The Francophiles also have had a relatively stable group of performers, who were accompanied this week by a strong Lions D/ST (21). With the likes of WR Jauan Jennings (18), RB Devon Achane (17), QB Bo Nix (17), RB Jonathan Taylor (16), and Tampa-flavor WR Mike Evans (14) week in and week out, this is a solid core that’s going to be a tough win every time. However, the X factor in many weeks, and certainly in this game, was WR Puka Nacua on a monster day, posting 12 catches for 225 yards and two scores, good for forty-six points. That was just the bump that Forza Franco needed, as they win an absolute barn-burner 163-149 to advance to the final round.

So, with just one more week of 2025 remaining and one more week of NHL action left to go, we now know what we have to look forward to. Groups like God’s Country and BlahBlahBlah have lots of work to do to catch up to Council of Steel, who have a commanding lead as Best Of The Rest. Dr. Strangelove Me Do will host the Destroyers for the bronze medal match, serving as a tasty warmup before Scamazon Supreme kicks off their 4-hour pregame show leading up to The Big Game At The End Of The Year Championship Title Pay-Per-View Event. The lights will go down, the fighter jets will scream overhead, the fireworks will go off, and we’ll get the answer we’ve all been waiting for. It’ll be between 2022 champs Franco’s Italian Army and 2024 champs NoKe – who gets the glory?

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

*clunk* *clunk* *clunk*

Hold on to your butts. Umm….

As we flip the switches off for the last time this season here at the league office, it’s only right that we pull out all the stops for the final column of 2025 (never mind that this technically is being published in 2026). Keeping that in mind, I decided I’d draft in the help of some friends of mine, and even went out of my way to bring a new face into the fold, even though he’s been on the company payroll for a little while. With so many sets of hands ready to write, my excitement proving extremely difficult to contain, and one of the most tightly contested playoff races in league history coming to a head, I’ll hand things off to a man most suited to be our master of ceremonies for the evening, Mean Gene Oakerlund, after his rendition of “Tutti Frutti”.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it was my distinct pleasure to welcome you all to this year’s edition of the The Big Game At The End Of The Year Championship Title Pay-Per-View Event, broadcast live from inside the sold-out ScotiaBank Saddledome. The distinguished president of the National Holley League, Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman, was on hand to present the Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year Award after the conclusion of our world title matchup between NoKe and Franco’s Italian Army. But before that, we saw a thrilling matchup between Dr. Strangelove Me Do and the Destroyers, and opening the undercard, we had the conclusion of the annual Dash For Cash, brought to you in its entirety live in high definition exclusively here on Scamazon Supreme. A few extra pairs of eyes were necessary to keep track of all the action in this 8-man bunkhouse brawl, so I’ll be handing things back off to Atom, joined on commentary by draft analytics expert L.L. Piper as well as meta-fantasy analyst Matthieu Baie, but before we kick things off, the latter two color commentators would like to share their thoughts as we take a retrospective look back over the season. Over to you, gentlemen.

L.L. Piper here to take a look back at my 2025 Big Bored, and review my predraft grades to see how they shook out. First of all, it’s no surprise that the first player off the board in 2025 turned out to be a top performer, as BlahBlahBlah benefitted all season from the services of QB Josh Allen, who finished as the league’s QB1. The first RB off the board, Bijan Robinson, finished the year as the RB2, making Rockme Mama’s 2nd overall pick look smart as well. God’s Country really impressed me as well, with the 10th WR off the board finishing as the WR2, more than justifying the 3rd round pick of Jaxon Smith-Njigba. I had TE Trey McBride as my TE3 going in to the season, and Dr. Strangelove Me Do saw things the same way, taking him in the 2nd round as third to go at the position, but he exceeded even my lofty expectations and finished as the TE1, another stud that justified the grade I gave. DSMD did have some draft day woes, however, running through 5 WR’s in rounds 3-7, the best of whom finished as the WR27 and most of which were cut from the roster by Week 7. Hillbilly Blitz also put themselves in an early hole with their early-mid picks, overspending on the 5th QB Mayfield (QB12), 5th TE Andrews (TE18), 8th QB Murray (QB37), and the first K, Dicker the Kicker in the 7th (K3, but too early). Monsieur Baie, talk to me about the waiver wire this year.

Merci beaucoup, M. Conduite. The action on the wire this year was très intéressant, with many teams surely finding gems after religiously reading my Monde Fantastique mailer week in and week out. Several teams turned to QB5 finisher Trevor Lawrence at the position, and he found himself finishing the season on the Hillbilly Blitz roster, giving them some excellent production down the stretch. RB Kenneth Gainwell found himself as a free agent for the first four weeks of the season before he was snapped up by Nerd Herd, and he rewarded their vote of confidence with an RB9 performance by the end of the season. The league front office said they would publicly acknowledge it at the annual Gala, but just like a Québécois sovereignty vote I’m afraid they’ll forget about it, so I’d be remiss not to heap praise upon the Destroyers for following my advice and picking up WR/KR Chimere Dike in Week 5, as he finished the year as WR3 in the league and #41 overall. In that same week, the Destroyers also picked up K Jason Myers and held on to him for the rest of the season, another savvy move as he finished the year at #1 at the position and within the top 100 points scorers. The Destroyers actually fielded several trade offers for Dike which were all denied, forcing at least one potential suitor in DSMD to find an alternative solution in Kavonte Turpin, who also turned out to be an excellent pickup. An exciting year transaction-wise, and it’s easy to see how some of those moves led to later success for those teams down the line. Atom, allons-y with the remainder of the 2025 results.  

Starting things off with the Dash For Cash, once again presented by Enron Financial Services, we take a look at the poor unfortunates scrabbling over the last few shekels left in the annual prize pool. After one week of play, Council Of Steel held a commanding lead over the rest of the pack, so let’s see where this week’s action has left us.

#8 – God’s Country. Week 2 – 85 points. Total – 186 points. It wasn’t just the absence of T.J. Hockenson that sunk this squad. With a seemingly insurmountable hill to climb to achieve D4C glory, most of the Todd Squad decided to get an early start on their offseason vacation plans, save for WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (16) and RB Devon Singletary (16), both of whom I can only assume are auditioning for starting jobs somewhere in the league.

#7 (-2) – Rockme Mama. Week 2 – 97 points. Total – 222 points. After a solid Week 1 outing, this team was absolutely Rocked with injuries, as Justin Herbert, Jaylen Waddle, and Dalton Kincaid all fell victim to medical malady. RB Bijan Robinson (39) did his best to put the team on his back, but with a lineup this thin, Team Rockme was doomed to slide in the standings. This group will lick their wounds and look to come back strong next September.

#6 – Hillbilly Blitz. Week 2 – 100 points. Total – 224 points. The effects of one of the longer deer seasons of the last decade are still being felt around this front office, as both backs and George Kittle couldn’t be lured back to the field of play this week. QB Baker Mayfield (17), the Texans D/ST (21), WR Wandale Robinson (22) and WR Jamarr Chase (25) all had strong playoff performances, but that accounted for 75% of the team’s total output (from Monde Fantastique – for those 4, that’s an fUR score of 1.86 per player, almost double what it should be – mon dieu. – M. Baie)

#5 (-1) – Azerbaijan Technology Bitcoin Data Center. Week 2 – 111 points. Total – 246 points. The Azerbaijanis continue to use unorthodox strategies to the bitter end, with the two top scoring performances coming from the Vikings D/ST with 28 points, and WR Parker Washington with 20, despite his negative five rushing yards. Matt Stafford and Juwan Johnson turned in token efforts, but maybe the Scientists need to stick to the other football come this time next year.

#4 (+3) – BlahBlahBlah. Week 2 – 148 points. Total – 256 points. The B’s had one hell of a mountain to climb in the second round of the Dash For Cash, but they certainly gave it their all. 16 from the Broncos D/ST, 21 from RB D’Andre Swift, 23 from WR Chris Godwin, 24 from QB Josh Allen, and 28 from RB Christian McCaffrey all added up to a nice total (still a 1.51 fUR, but much easier to stomach when you score 148 – M. Baie). Climbing three places in the standings isn’t anything to sneeze at, and the B’s finish the year without any prize money but certainly on a high note.

#3 – Notorious P.I.G. Week 2 – 111 points. Total – 260 points. Mired in yet another season marked by post-Week-9 mediocrity leading to collapse, it was all the Piggies could do to hold station in the D4C. The Notorious Ones may have gotten their wish after all, having died and gone to non-playoff hell, as QB Drake Maye (29) was the only real contributor for this squad in the final week of action, his efforts basically single-handedly staving off the B’s so that they could cling to a meaningless podium spot.

#2 – Nerd Herd. Week 2 – 142 points. Total – 292 points. The Herd needed some serious muscle this week to catch up to the leader, and they certainly ran themselves ragged trying to overcome the statistical delta. Tet McMillan and Jared Goff did little to help the case, but RB Derrick Henry continues to deliver at an elite level, providing 45 points with support from soon-to-be-suspended WR Stefon Diggs (22), the Ravens D/ST (18), and K Will Reichard (16). Monsieur Baie tells me that King Henry’s 3.17 fUR is a bottom-10 score for the year, but it was a valiant effort to try and will this team into a paying position.

#1 – Council Of Steel. Week 2 – 143 points. Total – 321 points. After slogging through the midfield all season long, the Council would not be denied of victory this week, extending their lead over the rest of the pack by an additional point thanks to another strong effort when it mattered as much as it reasonably could, given the circumstances. 20 from RB Breece Hall, 21 from the Colts D/ST, 25 from WR Chris Olave, and 36 from QB Brock Purdy on a 5-TD day were more than enough to secure the Dash For Cash in favor of Council of Steel. My congratulations, and wear your title proudly – Best of the Rest 2025!

Next up, the consolation title match for third place, which this year featured the Destroyers, making their first-ever postseason appearance, and Dr. Strangelove Me Do, whose owner/GM Kirk was quoted before Week 1 as saying “I’m the Vice President, damnit, I can’t suck in my own league!” The eager first-timers decided that employing a strategy of youth, supported appropriately by experience, would yield the best results. Perhaps showing their postseason inexperience, however, they failed to fully commit, leaving Bill Croskey-Merritt on the sidelines when his output was sorely needed. Kyle Pitts, Bryce Young, and Courtland Sutton all over-promised and under-delivered, but the Jags D/ST (27) evoked shades of Sacksonville in a strong outing. RB R.J. Harvey delivered in clutch time with 18, and RB Kyren Williams’ 15 points injected some energy into his squad. For the opposition, the Strange Lovers certainly tried some experimental tactics, after the likes of Saquon Barkley, Devonta Smith, and Michael Carter couldn’t produce. K Brandon Aubrey (16) really opened up the scoring, quickly followed by TE Trey McBride (23), QB Dak Prescott (23), WR/KR Kavonte Turpin (26), and WR Luther Burden (27), with all that offensive production anchored by a surprisingly solid Saints D/ST (32). Dr. Strange was certainly loving the bomb they dropped on their opponents, as they win 162-115 and stand tall on the final step of the podium.

With the teasers all out of the way, the lights began to dim and smoke began to fill the entrance tunnels. Fireworks crackled in the air and strobe lights flickered, as players began to gather just outside the team dressing rooms, waiting for Fifty Mission Cap by the Tragically Hip to hit its crescendo and the RCAF Snowbirds to streak overhead. Spurts of flame rose from the pyro equipment as the two opponents took to the field – the 2022 champions Franco’s Italian Army, ready to flaunt another championship ring in the face of the league, and defending champions NoKe, looking to become the first-ever four-time champions and keep the family name atop the NHL. The Francophiles had ridden a dominant 13-game win streak to a divisional title and a no-doubt playoff 1 seed, and were eager to keep that momentum going as they came out of the gate hot. RB Jonathan Taylor (17) rushed for 70 yards, and grabbed 3 passes for 14 more and a touchdown, one of a pair tossed by QB Bo Nix (20) who notched 182 yards on the day. The Seahawks D/ST (23) had a pick, two sacks, two forced fumbles, and had over 80 combined return yards, and WR Puka Nacua added 15 more points late with 5 catches for 47 yards and a score. NoKe would fight to the end to defend their crown, however, answering the Francophiles in kind with an early onslaught of offense. RB Omarion Hampton might have been mis-classified as a running back, rushing for just 29 yards and punching in a score, but he snagged all 8 of his targets for 31 yards, fed by the steady hand of QB Joe Burrow (21), who tossed 2 touchdowns and racked up 305 yards in the air. RB Chase Brown (29) was double trouble, proving to be both a ground and air threat, rushing for 101 yards and two touchdowns while bringing in all three of his targets for 40 yards. The late dagger came from the Giants D/ST, who had 160+ combined return yards, a kick return house call, two picks, and four sacks, good enough for 40 points, and giving NoKe the edge as they reclaim the throne with a 151-126 final result – the first ever four-time champions in league history.

So, with another season in the books, where does that leave this humble Canadian sportswriter? Well, it’s certainly looking like another season spent wintering over here in frigid Saskatchewan. The Association of Washed-Up Canadian Sportswriters Guild Collective Union saw fit to honor me this year with an award for journalistic excellence, so I’ll be attending the AWUCSGU Banquet at the Radisson just outside Kamloops, should anyone care to stop by for a handshake and a photograph come February 6th. Until then, I think I’ll just be gnawing on chunks I carve off the now-frozen moose backstrap Ricky shot in November, washing it down with Aunt Mabel’s “Winter Punch” while I throw more plywood into the burn barrel out front, and think of pithy comments to work into my curling coverage that I use to keep the bills paid after the football season ends. To me, that sounds like an excellent way to bide my time until the spring thaw and summer sun, and hopefully, come the fall freeze, I’ll see you all right back here for the tenth edition of National Holley League play. Until then, on behalf of “Mean” Gene Oakerlund, L.L. Piper, and Matthieu Baie, it’s so long, safe travels, and see you next season!

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider