2019

Week 1 – Here I Go Again, But Not On My Own

Well, it’s been an offseason of reticence for your favorite BSPN NHL insider. I have once again left the frozen wasteland and dragged my wheeled abode south of the border to try and soak up some sun – instead I was just soaked by a hurricane and nearly blown back to Regina. Some warm welcome I got! Despite the blustery conditions I managed to squeeze my way back to the Elks Hall in scenic Bumpass, VA – home of this year’s NHL draft. The stars were shining bright on draft night as all 10 owners returned for another exciting season of NHL action! This year marked the implementation of a new drafting system for the league, leading to the first award of the year. The league’s Vice President of Team and Player Relations and Also Sometimes the Media Coordinator was voluntold by Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman to manage the new draft system, since he couldn’t be bothered as he prepares his 2020 presidential campaign. As a result, the draft was somehow both more and less contrived at the same time, with the poor VP in question unsure of how to interpret the Commissioner’s vague instructions and requirements while not being given the proper tools to do so. This, combined with a healthy dose of human error, resulted in a draft night that was wholly confusing and disjointed. Therefore it is my great honor to bestow this year’s Grant Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award to the newly rechristened XFL Hype Train and GM Will, who foolishly decided to use fleaflicker.com as the new draft system, causing consternation among the league.

(Writer’s note: ESPN, scum-sucking demons that they are, removed the trophy feature from the ESPN Fantasy service across all sports. They have also basically wiped all league histories, and redesigned the web interface so that it is basically impossible to see things like league transactions, the League Manager’s note and the Message Board. After a lengthy conversation with ESPN customer service Ranjeep from Connecticut, this writer was able to determine that some of those features are supposedly going to be reinstated, but most likely not in the near future. Fear not – this writer not only tracks the trophies and will continue to issue them, but also makes sure that you read his masterful words via delivery to your email inbox. Don’t delete this as spam, I beg of you.)

With the draft taken care of, it was time for some exciting NHL action. The first game of the week to show any real signs of life was the matchup between the aforementioned XFL Hype Train and Fork Tender. Thursday night showed a lot of promise for the Hype Train as it built up speed and a 31-point lead over the Well-Cooked Ones, but someone must have left the stove on as Fork Tender became boot-leather tough. Patty Mahomes led the charge with 27, flanked by 2 25-point RB’s in Dalvin Cook (Cook! Get it?) and David Johnson. This came in spite of the squad sharing ownership of the “Hail Satan” Award, as WR Geronimo Allison scored a goose egg. The XFL Hype Train bought in to Famous Jameis, but failed to recognize that this was the same man who founded Famous Jamies’ Turnover Bakery, as he served up 5 delicious morsels that sunk the squad. This game also produced our first pair of score trophies this year, with the winner taking home the The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for largest margin of victory and the loser receiving the dented and sticky “Soda Can” Award for largest margin of defeat, with the gap being 25 points, marks that will surely be eclipsed later on this year.

Next on our list is what should have been the biggest nail-biter of the week, as the two squads who chose a ref as a mascot – Team Rockme and the newly christened Blah Blah Blah – squared off in the first annual “Zebra Bowl.” Projected to be a 4-point game, this one ended up even closer with a margin of just 2 separating these very evenly matched teams. Blah Blah Blah came out swinging with a pair of 23’s from RB’s Alvin Kamara and Josh Jacobs, but was let down by just uno from Sony Michel and Eric Ebron (once again proving that the Colts TE to own is VCU’s own Mo Alie-Cox). Team Rockme had ups and downs of their own, with 26 from WR Keenan Allen being the leading effort. Rockme still suffered, as only one other entrant, the Bills D/ST, was able to crack the 12-point barrier. Consistency is key though, and it was just enough to put Rockme over the top.

As previously alluded, this wasn’t even the closest game of the week. The true tightrope of scoring appeared in a matchup between two new-look teams, the aptly named Bridesmaids No More and the health-conscious Kale Kings. This one absolutely came down to the wire, with the final score not being settled until the last play of the first of two Monday Night Football games. Both GM’s were left kicking themselves – Bridesmaids had just enough left on the bench at RB to eke out a victory, and the Kings sat both of the week’s stud QB’s in the Dak Attack and Loaded Lamar in favor of Carson Wentz. While these were disappointments on both sides, this one was a true nail-biter to the finish, that ended in a totally anti-climactic sister kisser of a tie, much like this week’s NFL contest between the Lions and the Cardinals. (Writer’s Note: Props to the Detroit Free Press intern who wrote the following tweet after that contest – “FINAL: The Lions Lions’d, the Cardinals Cardinals’d, everyone’s unhappy and it’s all okay because one day the Earth will get swallowed by the sun and nothing will ever exist ever again”. It’s safe to say that publication might be happy if the Tigers, Red Wings and Pistons were the only shows in town.)

Next up, we had our first All In The Family Bowl, with newly named (sort-of) God’s Country taking on spawn Foot Jive Monster Mash. FJM2, last year’s scoring champ in both categories (single-game and regular season) came out with a whimper, the only side not to crack the 100-point barrier. WR DeAndre Hopkins’ 31 wasn’t enough to overcome several duds, including a 0 for inactive WR Antonio Brown. This led to a host of ignominious honors, including the co-ownership of the “Hail Satan” Award (for AB’s zilch); the Little Sisters Of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award - confusingly brought to you by Hefty Brand trash bags - for the lowest score of the season at 93; and the dubious honor of having his bench outscore his lineup, 102-93. The previously christened Todd Squad cruised to the W, led by a pair of double deuces from QB Drew Brees and RB Mark Ingram II.

Finally, we had the Council of Steel facing off against 2-time defending champs You Betcha. The Betcha Boys came out looking good, led by a strong RB corps of holdout king Le’Veon Bell and Derrick Henry and support from QB Matty Ice. It was all looking like the double winners were beginning another campaign of domination, but suddenly the Council found some Steely resolve and came charging back. Despite QB Kyler Murray’s involvement in the vaunted “Air Raid” offense (which netted him a tidy 21 points), it was the thundering feet of the running backs that brought the Council a win. Chris Carson grabbed an easy 23, Marlon Mack bettered it with a 25, but it was Christian McAffery who truly put the team on his back and posted 42 whoppers that put it over the edge. Unsurprisingly, this Week 1 performance took home the “You Got Rocked” Award for best single-game score by a player, and also led the team to secure the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award as the Council hung 165 on last year’s champs.

Remember this, fans and owners, as Week 2 looms large. You goal is not to go 14-0 and then 2-0. It’s to go 1-0 14 times, before blowing it all and having a total meltdown for all the world to see. Just ask the 2011 Red Sox.

Atom Shuffler 

BSPN NHL Insider

Week 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Well, Week 2 is in the books, and we can finally get a look at how the NHL is starting to shake out for the 2019 season. First and foremost, one of the weekly traditions around these parts is the handing out of certain awards to recognize the truly impressive (or depressing, usually) performances of players and owners. One such award is the “Hail Satan” Award, which is given to the owner with the worst single performance by a starter on their team – much like a record played backwards to hear a message from the devil, these players played so poorly they actually set their team back rather than push them forward. This week’s performances proved two things – first, that the TE position is truly unpredictable without guys like Gronk or Tony Gonzalez, and second, that even in our third year most NHL owners still have no idea who or what to put in their lineups. 4 different players tied the low mark for the year of 0 in Week 2, and while we refuse to split a trophy 6 ways (4 winners in Week 2 and 2 in Week 1), we will still shame the following players and owners who where saddled with a goose egg. The roster of misfortune is as follows –

1.       Will, XFL Hype Train – TE Jimmy Graham with 0 points.

2.       Grant, Watermelon in Easter Hay – TE Practical Njoku with a zero.

3.       Hoyt, Fork Tender – FLEX WR Alshon Jeffery with zilch.

4.       Todd, God’s Country – WR Desean Jackson with nada.

Boo these people.

Our first matchup was another down-to-the-wire classic with the XFL Hype Train taking on Bridesmaids No More. The Hype Train hung on to a late lead, led by big numbers from Touchdown Tommy and a staunch Browns D (yes, you read that correctly). The Train lost steam though, held back by the aforementioned Jimbo Slice and the third, less successful Cohen brother, Tarik. After last week’s tie further cemented their rallying cry, the Bridesmaids caught the bouquet with the help of Julio Jones’ athletic grabs and snuck out a one point win, salvaging their “perfect, unbeaten” record and, at 0-2, making the XFL Hype Train look more like the AAF.

Our next showdown pitted Blah Blah Blah against the newly christened Watermelon in Easter Hay. Triple B came out swinging, with Russell Wilson leading a fierce passing attack and help on the other side of the ball coming from a decent showing by the Rams D/ST. Having cast aside the Foot Jive Monster Mash moniker, the seasonal fruit display also seemed to cast off the losing ways of last week, bolstered by good outings from the RB corps and a strong flex performance from John Ross III. The team’s new logo, some purple man called Thanos, apparently, is supposed to hold great power in a magic glove according to comic book nerds on the internet – this writer will monitor further developments in the weeks to come. Give Grant his first W of the year.

Next up, Council of Steel hosted Team Rockme. The Council looked to maintain their Steely resolve, and leaned on great performances from pass-catchers Chris Godwin and Travis Kelce. The Council voted poorly on which running backs to award seats at the table to, but it wasn’t enough to keep the squad from posting a respectable number. On the other side, Rockme failed to meet expectations, with Jared Goff and Nick Chubb unable to carry the team to a win. The Council remains unbeaten.

Our marquee matchup of the week saw Fork Tender on the road against God’s Country. Despite a career day from OBJ, the Todd Squad couldn’t do enough to keep Fork Tender from taking home a plateful of league honors for the week. Here’s the rundown of hardware Hoyt collected from this matchup:

1.       The Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for highest single game score – 174

2.       The “You Got Rocked” Award for best player performance (tie from Week 1) - NE D/ST, 42 points

3.       The Belicheck/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for largest margin of victory – 66 points

Number 3 also means that God’s Country takes home the rather dubious honor of the “Soda Can” Award, for getting crushed by 66. They’ll look to rebound next week as Fork Tender hopes to continue to get toughened up in the microwave.

Finally, in the Battle For Marital Bliss, You Betcha hosted the Kale Kings. The home team had a good top end of the card, but was let down by the receiving unit, with only FLEX WR Tyrell Williams able to crack into the double digits. The blinking, beleafed-brand AKK met all expectations on the road, by contrast, and was led into a victory by strong outings from RB Saquon Barkley and TE Vance McDonald. Green victory smoothies for everyone, as the Kale Kings remain technically unbeaten.

We look ahead to Week 3, as the divisional races start to reach a point where they’re discernable and not total hyperbole. Then again, total hyperbole is what the league hired me to write. I guess I’ll still have plenty of material for next week, provided I don’t suffer a season-ending writing hand injury like every other player this week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 3 – Defensive Domination

Week 3 is behind us, and now that we have reached the one-quarter mark into the season we can start to see how the NHL is shaking out. This week, interestingly enough, saw some standout performances by defensive units, with 6 out of 10 teams having a top three score in their lineups going to a D/ST. Could this be a sign of changing times? With all the emphasis on scoring in professional football, could the NHL be moving in an entirely different direction? Is the algorithm that determines fantasy defensive scoring totally broken? Once again, we are left with more questions than answers as we look back over another glorious week of NHL action.

Before we get into the weekly game breakdown, however, there is some other big league player news worth mentioning. This week saw two noteworthy events. One, perhaps expected given all the news surrounding the situation, was Watermelon In Easter Hay showing perennial fantasy stud Antonio Brown the door. This comes after AB saw his playing situation and sent out a message on popular microblogging site Twaddle that just read “Aw hell naw, the GM is a purple dude #freeme”. In a mirror image of real life he demanded a trade to defending champ and perennial contender You Betcha, but because THAT team isn’t run by a gremlin in a hoodie and a desiccated husk of a white dude, it never materialized. Speaking of trades, however, the first trade of the NHL season has occurred, with some big names moving in a 6-man blockbuster deal just minutes before Thursday’s action kicked off. After a week’s worth of back-and-forth, XFL Hype Train and Bridesmaids No More swapped key components, with BM sending Julio Jones, Leonard Fournette and Greg Olsen to the upstart spring league team in exchange for Ezekiel Elliott, Adam Thielen, and Phillip Lindsay, in a deal that saw franchise keepers, number one picks, and fantasy darlings all find new homes.

Our first matchup saw Watermelon In Easter Hay hosting Council of Steel in a game where we may have seen the birth of 2019’s first true championship contender. In a very on-brand showing for the week, the Cowboys D/ST led the way for the Fruity Ones, but no other player cracked 14, including big names like A-Rod and Deandre Hopkins. On the other side of the boardroom table, the Council executed a hostile takeover, with 33 from Cooper Kupp and Christian McAffery offering up 27 of his own. CJS is still undefeated at 3-0, and is now the only undefeated team in the league.

Next, we saw Fork Tender taking on Blah Blah Blah. After 2 weeks of microwaved toughness, Fork Tender was warmed in the Crock-Pot this week and proved to be fall-apart feasting material for the opposition. Big days from Dalvin Cook and Patrick Mahomes just weren’t enough, and they were shouted down by Blah Blah Blah. Despite a lack of contribution from guys like Golliday and Ebron, Alvin Kamara and Russell Wilson both had monster games, and Blah Blah Blah can continue to talk as much trash as possible on the back of a much-needed win.

Our third interleague game had Team Rockme hosting the Kale Kings. Rockme got off to a strong start and stayed that way, with dominant performances from pass-catchers Keenan Allen (43 points) and Tyler Lockett (32), complemented by another good outing (21) from the “Sacksonville” D. These *beefy* numbers should have inspired the players of the Kale Kings to stop eating the green stuff, as good showings from blossoming stud QB Lamar Jackson and a 49ers D/ST just weren’t enough to get it done. AKK left a lot of points on the bench this week, but even the perfect lineup wouldn’t have got the W, leaving the Kale Kings wilted at 1-1-1.

One of two tough division games this week pitted XFL Hype Train against God’s Country. The Hype Train was eager to show off their shiny new toys, and Julio and Olsen delivered with big games, benefitting from the ever-sure hand of QB Tom Brady. This must have made the existing starters jealous, however, because they threw tantrums instead of playing well. On the other side, God’s Country was eager to take back a pound of flesh after being abused in the Keenan by Will-GM’d teams in the past, and came out in force. It was a slow build at first, with low numbers and a quietly good performance from QB Josh Allen, but then came the one-two punch from the heavens – 35 from Mark Ingram and a whopping 45 from Mike Evans. This was enough to allow God’s Country to take some measure of revenge and get a win, and to secure the “You Got Rocked” Award for highest single score by a player in a season.

Our final showdown was another grind-em-out divisional matchup between You Betcha and Bridesmaids No More. BM also wanted to try out their new acquisitions, but didn’t get quite the same return on investment in their first outing. Thankfully, Amari Cooper and Deshaun Watson were able to save the day, backed up by a very stout Monday night performance by the Bears D/ST. (Seriously, they’re good, but man is that Washington O-line they played against awful.) The Betcha Boys were looking to break out of a 2-game slump, and put up good numbers with Matty Ice and Julian Edleman. It wasn’t enough, though, as valuable points got left on the bench, and the co-commish joined his co-conspirator as the only winless team in his respective division. Seriously, you’d think the two guys running a fantasy football league might be good at, you know, fantasy football? Yikes.

Keep an eye out for next week’s recap, the first themed one of the season. Want a teaser? Well, cast your minds back to the turn of the Millennium, and see if the phrase “Monday Night Wars” rings a bell. Until then…

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

Week 4 – The “H” Stands for “Hardcore”

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…this humble writer proudly brings to you, the National Holley League, the premier online fantasy sports league, with the proud and noble Wayne division, the rough-and-tumble Keenan division, THE N. H. L. And if you ain’t down with that, I got two words for you!

Err…Fantasy, football.

That’s right, folks. In an astounding piece of real-world news, Fox (as they frequently reminded us on all of Sunday’s NFL telecasts) and TNT are bringing back the TV pro wrestling battle from the turn of the millennium that is known as the Monday Night Wars. Ted Turner has brought a new, upstart company known as AEW to his channel with Wednesday Night Dynamite, and the Aussies have taken stock in perennial juggernaut WWE (previously knowns as the WWF) on Thursdays. Pro wrestling back on broadcast TV, who’d have thunk it. This week marks the kickoff of both programs, with TNT/AEW starting tonight and WWE/Fox on tomorrow. I bring this up for three reasons – 

1)      I am still living in a Pogs-playing, Surge-drinking bubble of 90’s nostalgia,

2)      I have run stolen cable into my trailer, leeching off of neighbor Ricky (so that covers TNT) as well as a homemade antenna fashioned from a coathanger (to catch the Fox broadcast), so you know I’ll be taking a midweek break to watch both shows, and…

3)      It seems only fitting that since we have a league with a team that carries the namesake of WWE chairman Vince McMahon’s other failed business venture, the XFL, that we shed light on this clearly important topic.

So, without any further ado, let’s get ready to rumble! (Many apologies in advance for all the bad wrestling puns.)

Our first game of the week was a down-to-the-wire divisional matchup between Keenan rivals Watermelon In Easter Hay and Fork Tender. WIEH came out early with some big moves, scoring a few near falls with 29 from Austin Ekeler and 27 from A-Rod. The referee finally counted the 3 in favor of Fork Tender, however, helped along by 20 from Pat Mahomes and an awesome showing from the Patriots defense. Only 2 points separated these two teams, with Fork Tender taking the division lead and WIEH languishing at the bottom of the division.

Our other divisional matchup came this week in the Wayne, with Bridesmaids No More traveling to face Team Rockme. The perennial number 2’s started strong with good efforts from running backs Todd Gurley and Ezekiel Elliot, but let Team Rockme slip out of their grasp with poor efforts by the pass-catchers. It was all too much to overcome, as Team Rockme hit them with the Stone Cold Stunner in the form of 38 from Nick Chubb, leaving the Bridesmaids knocked out cold on the mat.

Next up, the Kale Kings hosted NHL juggernaut Council of Steel. Hoping to be renamed to King of the Ring, the Kings looked good early with strong performances from Lamar Jackson, Michael Thomas and Will Dissly. They also hoped they would be facing a team akin to Doink the Clown (sorry, obscure wrestling joke), but instead they got a terrible combination of Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan. The Council hung 151 on them, and left a ton more points on the bench (imagine if Chris Godwin’s 41 had been in the lineup!) so this one had the potential to be a real steel-chair-to-the-face beatdown. The Council remains undefeated.

Another showdown of Packer fans, You Betcha took on God’s Country in our next one. You Betcha came out with a piledriver by way of a surprise 27 from RB Wayne Gallman (seriously, who ever heard of this guy?) and looked good. God’s Country fought back, though, with stiff shots by Austin Hooper and Sterling Shephard. It just wasn’t enough, however, as You Betcha hit his finisher, adding 29 from Robert Woods, and the ref raised his hand at the end, giving the Betcha Boys their first victory of the year.

Finally, XFL Hype Train was also looking to leave the winless club against Blah Blah Blah. After the 1PM games had finished, XFL looked to be on the ropes – they had a narrow lead with only one player left, Brady had only put up 5 against Buffalo, Blah Blah Blah had hit back hard with 23 from Kenny Golliday and they had plenty of minutes and stud players left to go (read: Alvin Kamara). Suddenly, however, XFL hit an RKO out of nowhere (Google it) with 26 from Lenny Fournette and managed to squeak out a win, also getting their first of the season. No, I swear I don’t script this stuff.

We hear that since the beginning of this article, ratings are dropping, and that the WWF is buying us out. We expect your regularly scheduled programming to resume next week. Until then, I’ll be signing off with my new title, since this might be the only chance I get to use it.

Coming to you from parts unknown, The Big Time Crusher, Aaaaaaaaaatom Shuffler!

BSPN NHL Heavyweight Champion of the World

Week 5 – One For The Ages

After all of last week’s excitement, I figured I needed to settle down and stay a little more close to home this week to get my head right. I took a quick hopper flight back home to check in on friends and family and make sure that the permafrost was settling in evenly on my trailer pad (it was, thankfully). The geese have long since made their way to Punta Cana to warm their tail feathers, but neighbor Ricky has bagged the first moose of the season – never mind that he accidentally shot it out of his window after an accident while cleaning his gun. With dinner for the next few months taken care of, I beat feet back to sunnier pastures and took in the last few warm rays south of the border, on the home turf of the NHL.

The games this week were all close, with three different contests decided by 6 points or less. This was also a tough divisional week, so it’s only fitting that we kick things off with the week’s only interleague matchup featuring Blah Blah Blah and God’s Country. Both teams had their ups and downs, but highs were higher for the trash-talking Blah Blah Blah. Russell Wilson, Josh Jacobs and Sony Michel played absolute smashmouth football, all besting the 20-point mark. For God’s Country, the lows were just too low, and usual studs OBJ and Mike Evans over-promised and under-delivered, with 17 from Famous Jameis just not enough to save the team. Give this one to Blah Blah Blah, as both teams move to 2-3.

In the Keenan, the early game between XFL Hype Train and Watermelon In Easter Hay was another game of highs and lows. Tom Brady and Lenny Fournette really started to build up steam for the Hype Train, but it was the performance of the Eagles defense that really turned up the heat with 45 points. That would have been enough to tie the mark for the “You Got Rocked” Award, but that honor went to a particular Aaron on the other side of the ball. No, not Watermelon In Easter Hay’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers, but running back and fellow Packer Aaron Jones, who’s godlike, 200+ yard, 4TD day netted a whopping 48 points. Give this man the win, the trophy, and the game ball, as XFL slips to 1-4.

(Writer’s Note: this was not the best player score of the week. That honor belongs to Will Fuller V with an astounding 53 points. He is currently rostered by…oh. He’s on the waiver wire. Interesting. What dummy cut HIM?)

Our other Keenan matchup saw Kale Kings take on Fork Tender. This was one of our down-to-the-wire matchups, with up-and-down antics from the Kale Kings and more consistent play from Fork Tender. The Kings started out strong with 27 from the San Fran D, adding a huge total of 41 from top-notch WR Michael Thomas. 6 each from KC’s Damien Williams and Demarcus Robinson left the door open for Fork Tender, however. Patrick Mahomes and Dalvin Cook did just enough for Fork Tender to slide one extra tine over the line, and they took the W, 133-139.

Over in the Wayne, we had Team Rockme facing off against You Betcha in the closest game of the week. You Betcha had good performances on both sides of the ball, with QB Matt Ryan leading the charge and the Vikings playing shutdown D on the other end. Team Rockme’s Jared Goff and Bills D/ST almost matched them move for move, and their squad had a better core score, but in the end, they came up a mere 2 points short, giving the win to You Betcha by a narrow total of 107-105.

Finally, our primetime matchup showcased Council of Steel putting their unbeaten record on the line against the hungry Bridesmaids No More. I’ll summarize this game really quickly – this one was an absolute BARNBURNER. The Council started out more than strong, with 27 from rookie QB Kyler Murray and 31 from WR Chris Goodwin. If that wasn’t enough, every player but the kicker got double digits, and 4 players easily eclipsed the 25-point mark. And THEN Christian McAffery had a highlight-reel career day, tacking on 47, in a bid that should have been good for the “You Got Rocked” Award if it weren’t for Aaron Jones. This seemed just too much for the Bridesmaids, who looked like they’d see number 2 against after a pedestrian performance from the backs. But then, the aerial attack kicked into high gear, and big numbers started flying onto the board. 28 from Tyler Boyd, 32 from Adam Thielen, 39 from Amari Cooper and a staggering 40 from Deshaun Watson all added up to our first team total this year that passed the 200-point threshold. This was one for the ages, and as owner Keith put it in a post-game presser, “like Frazier and Ali”. The Bridesmaids take this one by an astounding final of 204-198, knocking off previously unbeaten Council of Steel in the process. They take home the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for their efforts, although honorable mention goes to Council of Steel – both teams put forth a gargantuan effort in a total slobberknocker of a game.

We’ll see you again for week 6 of NHL action next week. Being that the hockey version of the NHL has started up again, I’m sure my wages will be cut as the league needs the money to pay the lawyers in the ongoing legal battle for naming rights. Good thing Ricky shot that moose, because I’ll need to pinch a few pennies on the grocery budget. I’d better get to canning. Until then –

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 6 – East vs. West

With all of the news hubbub this week about sports leagues and foreign governments interfering in our weird little world of sports and entertainment, I, Atom Shuffler, want to make one thing perfectly clear. I am completely and utterly my own man, with my own opinions, my own creative freedom, and with open platform to share it all on. I am certainly not a mouthpiece for any of the league executives, nor am I (or any other member of the NHL) influenced in any way by any foreign government other than the ones we have sworn our personal allegiances to – in my case, that of Canada, and by traditional proxy, the Queen of England. I am proud to say that I can write what I please, criticize who I want, and deal with who I choose to, without fear of any kind of repercussion. With that being said, and on a completely unrelated note, I would personally like to recognize the Duke of the Royal Principality of Sealand for his generous contribution of an undisclosed amount to the league, and proudly and nobly announce that the name of the trophy awarded to the two annual NHL division champions shall continue to bear his name in perpetuity. In more personal news, I bought a new truck this week to tow my house around. Unrelated, I swear. E mare libertas, Hail Sealand.

This week saw all five matchups being interleague contests, with the Keenan and Wayne divisions facing off for bragging rights ahead of The Big Game At The End. To kick things off, Watermelon In Easter Hay went on the road against the wheeling, dealing Bridesmaids No More. At the onset, it looked like the wackadoo name threw off the would-be wife, with WIEH taking a sizeable early lead. Great catches from Tyreek Hill and Deandre Hopkins looked to have this one all sewn up, but gargantuan games from Zeke the Freak and New And Improved Mike Vick, Now With 0% Crimes (QB Deshaun Watson) ended up leading the Bridesmaids one step closer down the aisle. On the field after the game, the GMs met at midfield to shake hands and were seen whispering in each others’ ear – we will let you know of any developments in future articles.

Second, in a callback to our wrestling-themed week, we saw Blah Blah Blah take on Kale Kings in a showdown for the NHL Women’s Division Championship belt. Both parties came out swinging, trading shots early with the biggest coming from Kale Kings QB Lamar Jackson’s 32-point effort. Unfortunately, the rest of the offense was a bit of a letdown, marred by injury and less-than-optimal performances. Blah Blah Blah kept flowing on the microphone with a steady barrage, with the only player failing to crack into the double digits being the kicker (so it’s forgivable). Strong performances from Kenny Golliday and Russell Wilson were the highlights for this team on the way to their second win.

Next up, God’s Country left the comforts of their heavenly home to take a tough roadtrip and face Council of Steel. The Council continues to prove that they are both forged and tempered, with standout performances from the triple Chris-es of Chris Godwin, Chris Carson, and Christian McAffery. Kyler Murray also wowed, leaving God’s Country with some serious praying to do. Mike Evans and Austin Hooper got things going for the visitors, but OBJ and Mark Ingram just couldn’t do quite enough. Those guys will have time to contemplate this loss on the long bus ride back to the team’s namesake, while the Council moves to 5-1.

Two teams trying to carve out a niche in their respective divisions did battle next, with Team Rockme hosting the XFL Hype Train. Both teams were peaky, with highs and lows on both sides. The Hype Train had steam early, helped by the usual suspects of Tom Brady, Julio Jones and Leonard Fournette. Most of the risky gambles did not pay off, though, with Will Fuller V and Melvin Gordon underwhelming and a Cowboys D/ST backfiring despite the soft matchup. With a big gap to make up but a lot of minutes to do it with, Rockme came storming back with an outstanding effort in the ground game, clocking 28 from Nick Chubb and 30 from James Conner. Unfortunately, the rest of the team failed to capitalize on the momentum, especially QB Jared Goff managing an uncharacteristic single point, and XFL hangs on by the skin of their teeth in this one.

Our primetime matchup was much less of a nail-biter, seeing the brothers pitted against each other in Fork Tender and You Betcha. You Betcha looked good through the air early, with great performances from Matt Ryan, Julian Edleman, and fantasy darling George Kittle. The running game was a bit of a disappointment, but the Betcha Boys left some work to do for Fork Tender. Fork Tender did that, and plenty more. Inspired by 20+ point offensive efforts from David Johnson and Alshon Jeffery, the defense decided to get in on the action, with the Patriots D/ST coming in hot with 35. The kicker of the whole thing, though, was not the kicker, but WR Stefon Diggs, who had an astounding 42-point outing. This, unsurprisingly, led to a wide margin of victory, so wide that it means that we had to hand out some more hardware in Week 6. With their 191-124 win, Fork Tender takes home The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for the largest margin of victory this year, meaning that, of course, You Betcha gets the ignominious “Soda Can” Award, for being crushed by 67 points. Better luck next time, fellas.

Rumor has it that other foreign investors like the idea that the Duke of Sealand had, in his boundless wisdom, and are considering investing in the league in exchange for naming rights of other portions of the NHL. Early leaks state that next week, bowl game matchups will be instituted, with at least one game called the Fun in the Sun Bowl, Confusingly Brought To You by the Norwegian Tourism Board. In other news, I’ll be taking my new wheels out for a spin, and bringing you my weekly recap on the road from scenic Buffalo, NY, well within sniffing distance of my homeland and the closest I can reasonably get right now. The federales called and said I’m not allowed to leave the country at the moment, something to do with me being under investigation by the IRS. I’m sure it’s nothing. Remember, Sealand is a real and beautiful country that you should visit and support with your tourism dollars, and the His Excellency the Duke is a very nice and generous man.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN travel correspondent/NHL insider

**Click this link to redeem your offer for 30% off a Sealand travel vacation holiday package!**

Week 7 – On The Road Again

As we cross the halfway mark in the NHL season, I found myself itching for the comforts of home. As fun as tailored suits, bright lights and postgame press conferences are, I missed flannel, generator power and bar brawls with those rowdy Quebecois. With that in mind, I took a road trip to sunny Buffalo, NY (remember from last week, I still technically can’t go back home) which was the closest experience I could get to the days when I visited the nearest big city growing up, which back then was Kamloops, BC. The cold weather really brought me back, but it also seemed to have a shrinking effect on the points scoring across the league this week.

Our first matchup was Team Rockme versus Watermelon in Easter Hay. Rockme started off strong, with good performances from QB Jared Goff and WR Tyler Lockett. The locals at the bar where I was posted up at…err, important writer’s conference that I was attending, I mean, were also thrilled by the Bills D/ST’s solid performance. These were the bright spots, however, as the rest of the team was disappointing. It looked like WEIH was due to join in on the sub-100 club of misery, too, after treasured TE Delanie Walker produced a goose egg and the rest of the team was slow to get going. However, the team of pastel colors called upon the Bad Man himself, Aaron Rodgers, who brought them to salvation with his astounding 6-TD outing, giving them the win.

Next up, we had what would normally be a pedestrian game between Bridesmaids No More and God’s Country, but on this week’s scoreboards, was an relative barnburner. God’s Country looked strong early with 20 from WR Corey Davis and 21 from QB Josh Allen, another local favorite this week. The run game let down the Todd Squad, however, and the wrong 3rd tier Packers receiver got the start, with Allen Lazard’s 7 going while the 21 of Marquez Valdes-Scantling was left on the pine. It still might not have been enough to take down the Bridesmaids, however, as they continued their revenge tour. Ezekiel Elliott, DeAndre Hopkins, and the Bears D/ST all had outstanding 20+ point outings on the way to aa hard-fought W.

Our final interleague game of the week saw our two division leaders clash as Fork Tender hosted Council Of Steel. This one had all the hallmarks of an epic showdown for the ages, but what we got was…not that. There’s frankly not a whole lot positive that I can say about this, but I’ll try so we can keep this moving. Dalvin Cook and Stefon Diggs looked good for Fork Tender, and the Pats D looked great. Everyone else, not so much. Fork Tender left a TON of points on the bench as well – 124 to be precise, just 2 less than his whole team’s total. Things were worse for the Council, however, as they fell well short of even that mark. Yup, the winner’s bench, short by 2 players, beat the loser’s starters. John Brown was the only positive thing going here this week, as the side only managed to put up a paltry 89. (Writer’s note: John Brown scored a TD this week and broke out his famous TD celebration dance, which is probably the greatest end zone dance ever. You owe it to yourself to look it up on YouTube and watch him freak out.) This lackluster showing should have easily qualified the Council for some bad awards for low scoring, but they were bailed out this week. Speaking of which…

Next up, we had a gritty divisional matchup between You Betcha and Blah Blah Blah. This is another one I don’t have a lot of nice things to say about, so I’ll get down to brass tacks. Triple B’s passcatchers combined for just 12 points. Starting RB Alvin Kamara was also inactive for this game, which netted the team 0. Sony Michel and the Rams D/ST had good outings, and that was just enough to save them from the fantasy football Mendoza line that is 100 points, but not much else. However, this game looked like the Redskins-Dolphins contest from a little while back where no one wanted to win. Despite being basically handed the game on a platter, the Betcha Boys took it, gift-wrapped it, and handed it right back with a little bow on the top. Big names fell flat, big points were left on the bench and overall disappointment was had. Derrick Henry was the only thing even worth a passing mention here, but it wasn’t enough to save this team from a woeful 86-point performance, securing You Betcha the dubious honor of The Little Sisters Of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (confusingly presented by Hefty Brand Trash Bags).

Finally, the primetime contest this week was a division showdown between Kale Kings and XFL Hype Train as the two crabs at the bottom of the Keenan bucket desperately tried to climb over top of each other. The Hype Train was running strong early and built up a considerable lead, helped by T.Y. Hilton and the Saints D/ST. Injury to WR Will Fuller V slowed the momentum though, and the Kale Kings did their best Popeye impression, chowing down on the green stuff and building up the strength. Lamar Jackson, Michael Thomas and the 49ers all impressed, and suddenly it was the Kale Kings taking a late lead. XFL had only one hope left, and laid it all at the feet of Big Time Tommy Touchdowns. Needing just 17 to get the game back, and Brady facing the Jets on national TV, the XFL staff kicked back and got ready to celebrate, but were shocked when Brady failed to deliver and the Kale Kings squeaked out a win, jumping 2 places in the division to boot.

At the halfway point, it’s also time to start thinking about playoffs (yes, Jim Mora, playoffs) and take a look at the playoff picture and the league standings as a whole. Because of the size of the league, it’s old school rules – best 4 records make it in. Typically, this presents as the 2 division leaders, and then 2 “wild card” spots, and it’s certainly shaping up to be that way again this year. Fork Tender seems to have the “Keenan slot” all but locked up already at an NHL-best 6-1, with the rest of the division scrambling to catch up, no other team having a record above .500 (interestingly, only 1 game separates 2nd from 5th in the Keenan). In the Wayne, Bridesmaids No More are once again playoff contenders at 5-1-1, just holding the edge over early favorites Council of Steel at 5-2. At 4-3, Blah Blah Blah is looking to get in on the action and put 3 teams from the Wayne into the postseason, and also save us from a 2010 Seahawks situation with a losing team in the championship hunt.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 8 - Where has the Atom (Ikke) Shuffle gone?

Like Amelia Earhart and D.B Cooper (the guy that hijacked the plane and ransomed a bunch of cash and jumped out over Oregon, sort of like LeVeon Bell last year) Atom Shuffler has vanished. We suppose the allure of the great north, arching over the Buffalo night like the Northern Lights, pulled him beyond the reach of the Border Patrol into Quebecois county. Of course a case of Labbatts Blue and three good slugs of Canadian Club can also create the vision of the the streaking sky lights, so the true cause for disappearance may never be known. Sasquatch was reported recently in upstate New York and while he was being actively sought to augment the Buffalo Bills offensive line, he still may have snacked on the slightly soft, pudgy and likely delicious Shuffler. A second unrelated report came in that Shuffler was so overwrought at the dismissal of the editor of Deadspin for "not sticking to sports" that he decided to go over Niagara Falls in barrel used to age Crown Royal.  I've been checking with all my deep-dive draft investigators and when we find out more we will tell all.

In the meantime the NHL had meaningful games (which is more than we can say for the NBA), with real outcomes (which is more than we can say for WWE Friday Night Smackdown), and in-season (which is more than we can say for MLB, the other NHL or even the NHRA Funny Car Championships). So right to it:

Matchup One had two three-win teams facing off with Team Rockme versus God's Country. The Rockme boys were solid - outscoring their projection by 16 points led by excellent showings from Jared Goff and James Conner.  However it wasn't enough as the Country lads put up double digits for all players except kicker Conner and the 145 total, second highest for the week, got them win number four.

Our second contest took the very unseasonable Watermelon in Easter Hay against the more likely, but less tasty, fall player Kale Kings. The four-win melons, like their patriarchal forebears, put up more than 140 by leaning on Packers Rodgers and Jones. The Green Machine countered with M. Thomas and the 49's DST combining for 54. But in the end, the Kale was bitter, and with a total of 132 they'll have to put vinegar on next week's foe.

Game three of the week was played for the coveted Co-commissioner's Cup. This little recognized trophy of incompetence matched the two league founders in a floundering fight for the final position to start the second half of the season. Evenly matched at the outset, XFL Hype Train was quickly derailed by a 5-6-7-8 from Graham-Cohen-Jones-Hilton. YouBetcha was saved from a season ending blowout by great late performances from Tevin Coleman and the ageless Edelman. Betcha wins the Cup and fights with the bottom half of the league for respectability.

An in-house matriarchal battle was no fight at all. The Council of Stehl continues to show why it is the dominant team to beat this year having no trouble putting up 149. Cooper Kupp-of-Joe provided another workmanlike 35 points and Christian McCaffery 'only' beat his projection by three points giving him 26.  With twin RBs Carson and Mack adding another 30 those four beat the entire total Blah Squad leaving them muttering "#$%@!## blah, blah, blah"  The zeros on the card didn't help and the 85 total points gave this group the dubious honor of the Little Sisters of the Blind "Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy" award.  The Council Members nearly earned the Belickek "Run up The Score Award" for biggest margin of victory this year missing by a mere three points.

Our final challenge had top teams Fork Tender and Bridesmaids. The dynastic-building Bridesmaids took four minutes to set their lineup while juggling their scouting and developmental leagues in multiple League of Nations locations and negotiating for a seat on the Chicago Board of Options Exchange and their personnel jockeying at sites like ZipRecruiter and Robert Half scouring for any possible strategic advantage to getting 'the next big thing'.  In the meantime the Uneeda Utensil Team simply put up 173 silver-plated points by getting double digits from every position on the roster. The Bouquet-holding Boys were disappointed by a respective 3 and 4 from Gerald Everett and Bisi Johnson (who?). Congrats Forks --- and Maids, there's always next week.

Unlike last week, seven of the 10 teams scored over projections. In a surprisingly-related story the Arena Football League reports that it is closing it's business operations in six markets. They cited "financial constraints," but this reporter believes that the AFL is purging low-scoring teams and hopes to merge with the with the high-flying NHL and the New Japan Pro Wrestling to expand the league to build a watchable form of football.  Stay tuned for future developments.

I've got to get to my early early season predictions for the 2021 NHL draft.  Look for the outlook in an obscure podcast to be sent out soon.

M.L. Piper 

BSPN Draft Analyst

Week 9 – Shuffler’s Back, Tell A Friend

First off, my apologies for missing last week’s recap. I found myself as an inmate (or as they’re known in California, “justice-involved individuals”) in the care, custody and control of the fine folks at US Customs and Border protection. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say that a large quantity of Alberta Premium is missing from my liquor footlocker and I suspect that may have something to do with it. When I awoke in my new concrete 8 by 10 apartment, I found that I had a new roommate, a nice fellow called Jeff Caxide. Jeff told me that he was stopped crossing the border after he revealed he was a former member of ISIS – he failed to explain, however, that it was not the fanatical terror group but the Boston metal band. Having been to one of their shows previously, I could see how one could get confused. I was released later on, and I got some sweet free band merch to boot! My thanks to draft analysis king M. L. Piper for filling in in my stead – he even threw a nice nod to the NHRA, which just saw the speed record shattered this week as driver Brittany Force pushed her Top Fuel dragster to a mind-bending 338.17 mph, covering the quarter mile in a mere 3.659 seconds. The only thing that moves faster is yours truly towards a plate of poutine.

Speaking of fast, Kale Kings QB Lamar Jackson adopted the mantra of “speed kills” this week, as he continues to dazzle as one of the quickest and most elusive quarterbacks the fantasy game has ever seen. His 2 TD’s on foot helped boost his score to the highest spot on the squad this week with 29 points, helped along by 24 from wily vet WR Mohamed Sanu. This was too much to handle for opponent Bridesmaids No More, who were quite literally hamstrung by a goose egg from WR Adam Thielen despite respectable performances from Deshaun Watson and Jaylen Samuels.

The showdown between God’s Country and Blah Blah Blah saw peaky performances from both sides. God’s Country looked like they were headed to the promised land early, with solid stats surprisingly coming from the two Bills on the team, Josh Allen and Devin Singletary. The Todd Squad backed it up with a big 36 from WR Mike Evans to boot. Blah Blah Blah matched them move for move, though, with a 36 of their own coming from QB Russell Wilson. Josh Jacobs, Kenny Golliday, and a stout Cowboys D all complimented the effort, and Blah Blah Blah continues to trash talk her way up the divisional ranks.

Our final interleague game this week saw Team Rockme take on injury-plagued Fork Tender. Fork Tender lived up to the name once more, despite QB Matt Stafford trying to drag the team to victory. Jamaal Williams exceeded expectations on the ground, but it wasn’t enough to overcome other lackluster efforts and the injury bug. On the other side, Rockme turned it up to 11 (or maybe to 40) with 40 coming from WR Tyler Lockett and his 150-yard, 2TD day. Zach Ertz and the once again surprising Bills D sealed the deal for the Rockers – wear your earplugs folks, it might be loud again next week.

Our divisional scrap in the Keenan this week saw XFL Hype Train host Watermelon in Easter Hay. For what seems like the first time this year, XFL made all the right moves with his roster and extracted maximum potential out of his players. Despite a few duds, Melvin Gordon finally showed up nine weeks into the season, and Marvin Jones Jr. brought some much-needed life to an injury-plagued WR corps. As for the Springtime Squad, they saw some early sunlight in the form of 26 from Tyreek Hill, but then shriveled on the vine as a cold snap hit the score sheets. No other player broke 16, and the Twin Aarons of Packers Jones and Rodgers, usually a stud duo, only combined for 17, with the team struggling to crest 100. XFL retains some semblance of glory in the Keenan despite still commanding last place in the league.

In the Wayne, we saw division leader Council of Steel taking on division cellar dweller You Betcha. You Betcha needed help this week in trying to spark a run to defend his title, and turned to rental QB Gardner Minshew II. GM Kirk was quoted as saying he “saw something of himself in Gardy”…it was probably just the mustache. He failed to deliver, and despite strong efforts from Derrick Henry and the Panthers D, it just wasn’t enough. A lot of points got left on the bench for the Betcha Boys, adding insult to injury. On the other side, the Council enacted a resolution to remind the league why they were still the #1 overall, with a good showing from QB Kyler Murray and a standout 37 from surprise FLEX start Christian McAffery. This team is looking like the favorites to win it all this year, as Betcha’s dreams of a 3-peat fade more and more each passing week (and subsequent loss).

As the cold weather sets in, I am happy that I can finally get to doing the yardwork that’s been piling up. I won’t do the raking wearing anything more substantial than a T-shirt and being outside in anything warmer than 12 or 13 degrees (that’s 55 Freedom units for you Yanks) is frankly inhumane, in my book. Hopefully I can get everything up and the Kero tanks filled on the house before the first dusting of snow kisses the ground, especially considering Thanksgiving was 2 weeks ago back home. I’d write more, but my new Federal ankle bracelet is beeping which means I have to go plug it back in. Next week is the start of the playoff push, so it’s time to buckle down, readers. Remember the wise words of Al Davis – “Just win, baby.”

Atom Shuffler

Federal BOP Inmate #8675309

Week 10 – How Does It Feel?

With the cold snap screaming through most of the lower 48 this week, my Canadian sentiments were stirred by the great songsmith D’Angelo. To my frozen Yankee friends, I borrow one of his great lines – “How does it feel?” I may be fine with permafrost set all throughout my front yard, but sometimes it’s nice to remind you hosers how the rest of us real men really live. There’s a reason our national game is played on ice – and outdoors, traditionally, none of this “in an arena, in the desert” crap.

This was another heavy divisional week, so let’s kick things off with our lone interleague matchup between defending champs You Betcha and the Kale Kings. Betcha came out of the gate early with some issues, hurt by poor performances from Phillip Rivers and Emmanuel Sanders. However, the side came back strong, with great performances from DJ Moore and Derrick Henry, and the team as a whole put together a respectable effort. Kale Kings, however ate their leafy greens, and came out with their best game of the season. Michael Thomas continues to light it up for AKK, with another strong performance from Lamar Jackson backing it up. The 49ers D and waiver-wire find Ronald Jones II also looked fantastic as the Kale Kings flexed their way to victory.

In the complicated Keenan divisional race, Watermelon in Easter Hay took a visit to God’s Country. There was some more intrigue before this one even got going, as the Watermelons appeared to have gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs (or loopy for Fruit Loops), shipping Famous Jameis across enemy lines to God’s Country in exchange for his beloved lifetime franchise TE Delanie Walker, who had previously found himself being sent the other way earlier this year. Neither player would end up having any impact in this matchup, which was probably for the best, as this was an exciting one. God’s Country light it up early, with 27 from Josh Allen and 30 from the Baltimore D/ST. Team Thanos matched them move-for-move, riding Aaron Jones’ monster day, and a whopping 32 from Tyreek Hill. This was just enough to put them over the top, but despite the victory, Delanie Walker found himself without a job at the end of it all. Not every story has a happy ending.

Speaking of close finishes, next up was divisional leader Fork Tender taking on last-place XFL Hype Train. While those two phrases don’t appear to be related, it certainly was this week. The fans who bought in to the Hype Train at the beginning of the season were rewarded, as even though a few mistakes were made in the personnel department, the team had a strong effort, led by a 26-point Dak Attack. Fork Tender looked to toughen up, and did so, with 23 from Golden Tate, 30 from Dalvin Cook, and 31 from Patty Mahomes. The difference-maker, though, was RB David Johnson, who shocked owners everywhere with season-record…negative one point. Now ordinarily, this wouldn’t be too bad, Fork Tender would just win the “Hail Satan” Award (which they do this week) and move on. However, Fork Tender found themselves on the losing end of this contest, by a margin of just one single point. Ouch.

Over in the Wayne, the early game saw Bridesmaids No More facing off with Blah Blah Blah in their ongoing battle for playoff seeding. I can’t really sugarcoat this one, this was a pretty ugly game, with only two players breaking the 20-point mark. Thankfully for the Bridesmaids, they both were on that squad, with 23 from the Bears defense and 31 from WR Amari Cooper being enough to easily have this one in hand. Disappointments from this matchup include 7 for Zeke Elliott, 6 for fresh trade bait RB Jaylen Samuels, 7 for BBB’s JuJu Smith-Schuster, and just 1 for the Dallas defense. Blah Blah Blah also fell below the fantasy Mendoza line in this one, coming up 6 shy of 100.

Finally, in the primetime matchup, we had Council of Steel visiting Team Rockme. Rockme had shown flashes of brilliance throughout the season so far, while the Council looked to continue their divisional dominance. Despite a goose egg from Cooper Kupp, the Council looked like they were going to do just that. No boardroom histrionics in this one – 20 from Travis Kelce, 25 from Christian McAffery, and 26 from Kyler Murray. Rockme set out to match the Steely Ones, starting out strong with 23 from the Bills D (another surprisingly good week for them) and a beefy 37 from WR Christian Kirk. Unfortunately, that was where it stopped, with Jared Goff, Matt Brieda and Tyler Lockett all coming in on the short side of 7 points. The Council takes home their 8th W while Rockme continues to search for the answer as the playoff push kicks into high gear.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

Week 11 – International Escapades

It was a topsy turvy week in the global sports world these past seven days. In a world beset by globalization and world citizenship, one man made his stand against this cultural shift this week, as he has notably done week after week on TV for years. Yes, that vibrantly-suited, sometimes stylish, always memorable analyst from Hockey Night In Canada, Kingston, Ontario’s own Don Cherry. After going on a tirade against immigrants, rambling about the troops, and doing no discussion of hockey during his hockey segment (aside from repeatedly mumbling “Okay, right here,” as he circled random things with the telestrator on paused game footage), he found himself without a job. BSPN announced yesterday that they would be adding him to the reporter stable as a guest analyst and I am proud to call him a colleague. It is perhaps understandable that foreign affairs would have Don so fired up, as it was announced that the US would be exploring higher foreign trade tariffs. This affects the league in many ways (once again, the Sealand connection rears its head), but most notably it will affect Bridesmaids No More, both due to their high trade volume, and the fact that newly acquired kicker Young Wae-Koo technically came in to the US in a box in a misguided attempt to avoid the “chicken tax”, and because he was technically classified as cargo, 25% of his NHL salary now goes to the US government. Such is life.

With only two divisional games this week, things started out with the early game in the Wayne. Bridesmaids No More looked to further secure their playoff berth, while defending champs You Betcha could do nothing more than play spoiler. The suddenly musically inclined You Betcha was lead by the two DJ’s of Moore and Chark posted 17 and 30 respectively, helped by Matt Ryan and Le’Veon Bell. The Bridesmaids were left at the altar this week, waiting for their princely points to show up to the church, but finding that he had left, never to appear. Ezekiel Elliott and the Bears offered the Bridesmaids a shoulder to cry on, but BM was totally let down by suitors DeShaun Watson, Amari Cooper, and Gerald Everett.

In the Keenan, we had another first v. last duel between God’s Country and Fork Tender. God’s Country came out swinging and posted one of the best lines of their season, led by 32 from Josh Allen, who might not be a great real QB but is quickly becoming a fantasy stud. Baltimore’s Mark Ingram and strong D/ST also helped lead the way for those going to the promised land. With 121, the only blemish on the sheet was a goose egg from TE Jack Doyle. Unfortunately for them, despite posting one of if not their best effort, Fork Tender was just that much better. Despite having no totally barn-burning numbers (high score was Calvin Ridley’s 28), Fork Tender had consistently good numbers across the board – in other terms, more of a slow-cooked pot roast then an unevenly microwaved steak. Stefon Diggs, Mark Andrews, and the Patriots D/ST all added to the total to get Fork Tender another win.

In the interleague games, Kale Kings and Team Rockme got things going first. This wasn’t quite the beatdown that we saw this week from the Aussie Rules Football Grand Final (where Richmond dismantled Greater Western Sydney) but it was definitely a one-sided affair. Team Rockme had some good pieces with 21 from Keenan Allen and 20 from the Bills D, but Jared Goff, James Conner, Nick Chubb, and Robert Woods all combined for just 17, in what would have been an average show for any one of those players. The Kale Kings ate their green Wheaties, and despite the RB corps only combining for 4 points, the rest of the squad was able to overcome, with 24 from the 49ers, 25 from Michael Thomas, and a strong 31 from Lamar Jackson. Rockme is left thinking about what could have been, while don’t look now, but the Kale Kings are on a 3-game win streak.

Next up, we had Blah Blah Blah vs. Watermelon in Easter Hay. Blah Blah Blah, a la Houston Astros, had clearly been filming Team Thanos’ signs since the aforementioned Easter season. The fruit was mute, as James White, Tyreek Hill and Tyler Boyd were all quiet, and Blah Blah Blah had scouted all of WIEH’s best efforts from Derek Carr and Austin Ekeler. Blah Blah Blah was able to talk trash all the way to the bank, carried by Jimmy G and Alvin Kamara. Pass-catching was a beat of a weak sport for this squad, but it didn’t matter, as Blah Blah Blah already knew what was coming and was able to get this win.

Finally, we had Council of Steel on the road against XFL Hype Train. The Council took the best record in the league in to the house that Vince McMahon built, but unlike the WWE, it looks like the players were inspired by the match that capped off last week’s AEW pay-per-view, where Kenny Omega and Jon Moxely had a 30-minute bloodbath that came down to the (barbed) wire. The Hype Train surprised a lot of folks, coming in with speed and strength. Marvin Jones Jr., the Saints D/ST and Dak Prescott all impressed, leading the team to a strong 147 points. The Council looked to answer, with Christian McAffery, Kyler Murray and Travis Kelce all doing more than their part to lead the Council to an extremely competitive…146. Yes, for the second time, XFL escapes with a 1-point win, and is desperately clinging to playoff hopes, while despite the loss, the Council still maintains a firm grip on the number one spot.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 12 – Feast Mode 

Before we begin, I’d like to apologize to the reading public for this late edition of your NHL Weekly Recap. Despite myself and my fellow countrymen celebrating Thanksgiving some time ago, I decided to get into the spirit this year and celebrate American Thanksgiving as well. This meant that I had to stop my normal routine and get everything ready – Cousin Eddie is coming over and he’s capable of eating an entire turkey at one sitting, so a lot of extra cooking was needed back home at the trailer. Of course, I’m delinquent on my propane bill (what are they gonna do, put me back in jail? I’m a Canadian citizen.) so all the cooking had to be done in advance over my trash fire. The stuffing only got done at about 11 PM on Wednesday night, but I hurriedly put together this weekly recap in advance of Thursday’s turkey day festivities.

As the playoff push really rears its ugly head, we started the week out with the first of two divisional games, as the XFL Hype Train pulled into the station at God’s Country. Both teams suffered from the poor weather on Sunday, with neither team managing to muster too many points. With team output low, XFL hung it all on Davante Adams to carry the squad through the end. But the Monday night matchup brought God’s Country screaming back into contention, erasing the 30+ point deficit en route to a convincing victory led by Mark Ingram II and the Ravens D, with help from OBJ. The Hype Train crashed to a halt with their tails between their legs, but despite the resounding victory, the rigors of this season have been too much for God’s Country, as they are the first team to be mathematically eliminated from the 2019 playoff race. The team’s front office will treat the rest of the year as an opportunity to gather valuable in-game data (read: screw with other teams) as they move their sights towards the big trophy next season.

Keenan matchup done, it was time for the Wayne showdown, with Team Rockme looking to keep their playoff hopes alive against current wild card holder Bridesmaids No More. BM had a sudden flashback to last year’s shame moniker of LowT, as they put up one of the sadder statlines in franchise history (this would be a recurring theme this week, more on that in a bit). Despite 27 from DeAndre Hopkins, Todd Gurley had 5 and Amari Cooper hung a goose egg, putting the Bridesmaids in the awkward situation of being asked to just bring the napkins, again, to this year’s fall spread. Rockme also had a few miscues early on, but it ended up being free turkey day in Cleveland as Nick Chubb and Jarvis Landry came up with a huge haul at the grocery store, with Zach Ertz providing several good coupons as well. Rockme stays alive and in the hunt while Bridesmaids clings to their playoff position for dear life.

In the interleague contests, our first pairing was You Betcha versus Watermelon in Easter Hay. I’ll put it like this – there’s a reason they don’t serve watermelon at fall harvest time, and WIEH’s score was about as well-received as the inevitably tasteless, mealy, nasty fruit would be come late November. Jared Cook and the Steelers D/ST combined for 41, which was more than half of WIEH’s total score. You Betcha, on the other hand, was able to put together a nice game despite kicker trouble, with Derrick Henry and DJ Moore both proving to be good prep cooks in the kitchen. You Betcha’s bench came within 5 points of outscoring the WIEH starting lineup, 75-80, an effort so bad on Team Thanos’ part that it should have netted them some shameful hardware. However…

The national game this week was Blah Blah Blah taking on the (aptly named, at least this week) Fork Tender. Fork Tender brought out a great main course in 23 Baked Mayfield points, with two side dishes of 21 from Calvin Ridley and Will Fuller V. Dessert was 20, cooked up by Johnathan Williams’ mom, and after it was all gone, the family sat around and started to small talk. If there’s one thing that can ruin family Thanksgiving, it’s talking politics at the dinner table, and Blah Blah Blah brought up everything this year, from natural gas rights to import taxes, all the way down to Indiana’s legal prohibition on catching fish by use of a firearm (yes, it’s real, look it up). Unfortunatley for them, they spent so much time getting in to arguments that they forgot to score any points. Fork Tender takes this one, 136-76, meaning that instead of a to-go plate, Blah Blah Blah gets to take home The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (confusingly presented by Hefty brand trash bags) for the worst score of the year. Oof.

Finally, the primetime game saw runaway leader Council of Steel taking on the Kale Kings. With the Kale Kings on the cusp of a playoff spot, they were of course hungry for a victory (see what I did there?), while the Council was so assured of their own victory, they voted to give TE Travis Kelce a few days off so that he could have an extended holiday. Despite his bye week absence, Christian McAffery and Chris Godwin carried the team to a resounding score, both easily cracking 30, and help also came from Mitch Trubisky and the Lions D (not often we get to say that around here). The Kale Kings saw their opening with the man advantage, and Michael Thomas and Lamar Jackson put up big statlines of their own. The rest of the team’s efforts were a bit undercooked, however, and the Council was able to take this one en route to locking down a playoff spot. The Kale Kings are forgoing the turkey this year, and only eating kale, in an attempt to build up strength a la Popeye for a playoff run.

With that out of the way, it is now time for me to tuck in to the delicious spread I have prepared for the holiday. We have a roasted and stuffed turkey for Cousin Eddie, 4 cases of Labbatt’s for me and Cousin Ricky, Aunt Mildred’s famous boysenberry fruitcake (the actual fruitcake in question was given to me in her will after she died last year), and for dessert we have some secretly imported maple candy. Yum! Happy feasting, folks, and we’ll see you right back here next week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

Week 13 – Turn Up The Heat

No, really, turn up the heat. It’s cold as hell in here. With the massive sweeping cold snap that has buried most of the US east of the Rockies, winter is well and truly here. With that in mind, I decided this was a good week to stay inside, throw some more scrap plywood into the fireplace, and relax as the NHL’s best duked it out in the hunt for the postseason. No pithy remarks this week, let’s get right to it.

In the Wayne, Council of Steel faced a road matchup with Bridesmaids No More, desperate for a win against the top-ranked team in order to keep their playoff dreams alive. Despite failing to meet quarterly projections, the Council didn’t make things easy, with Cooper Kupp and Chris Carson leading the way. Big help came on special teams thanks to an outstanding 17-point day from kicker Wil Lutz, who booted numerous long FG’s in a standout kicking performance (not often I get to say that). The Bridesmaids weren’t going quietly, however, and Ezekiel Elliott and Todd Gurley ran all over the D on their way to big points and a tough win. The Council has locked up the Wayne, but BM is still in it with a good shot.

Further down the division, Team Rockme hosted You Betcha in a desperate scrabble for the scraps. Despite being in an unfriendly building, You Betcha tried to come out and punch them right in the mouth. The windup looked good with 22 each from Julian Edelman and Derrick Henry, but it didn’t connect cleanly and was more of a slap as DJ Chark, George Kittle and the Eagles D/ST failed to muster some aggression. K Zane Gonzalez didn’t contribute much either, posting a single point. You Betcha wasn’t the only one with kicker trouble, however, and Team Rockme’s Brett Maher missed two attempts giving him our first negative score of the year at -1. This also means we can hand out the “Hail Satan” Award for the first time since the goose eggs of week 1 (WR Tyler Lockett also had 0). Rockme couldn’t have chosen a worse time to shoot themselves in the foot, as this lead to a loss and their subsequent playoff elimination. Bummer.

In the Keenan, Fork Tender decided that since they were guaranteed a playoff spot, a policy of resting the starters was in order against playoff hopeful Watermelon In Easter Hay. Looking to ride on 21 from RB Miles Sanders, an awful lot of players on that side of the ball posted single-digit scores on the way to a relatively meaningless loss. For Team Thanos, Aaron Rodgers and the Steeler D looked strong, but the bench was surprising, coming within 5 of outscoring the starters. In fact, WIEH’s bench scored enough points to not only beat their opponent a second time over, but 4 other NHL teams as well – that’s right, half the league. This is my team to watch going into the playoffs.

In a different sort of futile matchup, the Kale Kings went on the road to the already-eliminated God’s Country. AKK needed a W to stay in the hunt, and despite 22 from Lamar Jackson, was woefully let down by the rest of the squad. Even stud WR Michael Thomas failed to deliver, and Kale Kings could only manage a meager 84. God’s Country dragged them down along with themselves, with Devin Singletary, Tyler Boyd and the Ravens D doing enough to take a win. Kale Kings is eliminated, and this writer recommends they go back to eating meat next year.

This week’s primetime game was an interleague matchup between playoff hopefuls Blah Blah Blah and XFL Hype Train. Blah Blah Blah took a one game lead into this contest, and looked to fiercely defend it, led by 25 Kenny Golliday points. The passcatchers didn’t stop there, with additional scoring coming from WR Dede Westbrook and TE Jason Whitten. It looked to be all over for the Hype Train, despite 24 from Davante Adams and a strong Saints D/ST. But then, Tom Brady in garbage time on Sunday night saved the day with 24 of his own, giving XFL an astounding comeback win. Both teams remain in the hunt, and it’s shaping up to be a dandy next week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 14 – Severance Package

As the regular season draws to a close, there were some notable personnel changes in the sports landscape. Riverboat Ron saw himself out of a job in Charlotte. Jim Montgomery lost his Dallas Stars gig for something that a local police department would claim was “unconfirmable at this time” but was allegedly “conduct unbecoming of this agency.” A Delta Airlines flight attendant was fired for being “too old” – notable in sports terms as the flight attendants on the team’s private jet were key witnesses to the aerial misdeeds of the late 90’s Portland “Jail Blazers.” MLB free agent contracts went nuts at the winter meetings, and there’s talk of major lineup changes coming to Formula 1 in 2020 and 2021. The National Holley League, however, was mostly resistant to change (with one major exception) as the 2019 playoffs were locked in.

Our first matchup, and the only one of no real postseason implications, saw regular season-winners and  division-clinching Fork Tender on the road against the eliminated but feisty Kale Kings. Even with nothing to prove, Fork Tender decided that the starters would take the first-team reps to stay sharp for the playoffs, and gained some valuable (and probably scary insights), as most players failed to break 15 points. Calvin Ridley and the Pats D dragged the team to a win, held back mostly by Alshon Jeffery’s 0. Kale Kings looked to maintain some pride in a peaky performance, highlighted by 30 from Michael Thomas. However, it was the other side of the ball that did them in, with the San Fran D/ST earning an abysmal -4 points, probably safely securing the “Hail Satan” Award for the year to add insult to injury.

Turning to the playoff hopefuls, we start with XFL Hype Train at Bridesmaids No More. BM wasn’t totally safe yet, but XFL was in far more dire circumstances, and both teams were hungry for a win in order to punch their ticket. The Bridesmaids swung from left field, hard enough to break one of those punch-a-meter things we have in the bars back in Saskatchewan. The Hype Train did…the opposite (read: Damn, they really, really, REALLY sucked). After Thursday night, any pundit could have called it – it was going to be such a beatdown that the Bridesmaids actually pulled starters off the field mid-game. (Co-Commish note – while I appreciate the gesture to make me not look like a total bitch, because I’m a vengeful overlord I’m torn between chastising y’all for pulling a guy because it’s a showoffy dick move, and chastising y’all for not leaving him in and going for the margin of victory trophy. – W.) Several XFL players had single digits and K Matt Prater had 0, while 4 BM players eclipsed 20 and football meme K Younghoe Koo added 18 enroute to a BM 50-point win where they vastly exceeded projections, while a man down. XFL was violently eliminated, and BM sealed their playoff destiny.

Next was desperate Blah Blah Blah taking on eliminated Team Rockme. Triple B needed a win in a bad way, while Rockme hoped to make a playoff mark by playing spoiler. They did just that, led by 24 from WR Robby Anderson and 30 from 2019 standout Zach Ertz, on their way to a convincing victory. Blah Blah Blah, much like XFL Hype Train, chose the absolute worst week to turn in a dud, with the Rams’ D/ST’s 22 points being the lone saving grace in an otherwise woeful 76-point performance. This mark both eliminated them from playoff contention, and tied a season-long league worst also set by them in week 12, giving the team double ownership of the Little Sisters of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award. Oof.

With XFL Hype Train and Blah Blah Blah eliminated, it was a two-horse race. The underdog Watermelon in Easter Hay was faced with the daunting challenge of beating runaway NHL points leader Council of Steel, who had long since clinched the Wayne. The Council once again proved why they took the regular season scoring pennant, relying on yearlong staples in TE Travis Kelce (17 points) and RB Christian McAffery (24 points), and adding 31 with QB gamble Mitch Trubisky, enroute to posting 140. This would normally be enough to secure a victory, but WIEH had no choice but to lay it all on the line and respond to the Call of Fruity. With 30 from RB Aaron Jones, 31 from RB Austin Ekeler, and 34 from a dominant Steeler D, Team Thanos hung 163 on the scoring leader and took the W. They had done all they could to control their own playoff destiny, but still needed just a little help and luck in the result of the primetime game, which brings us nicely to the final matchup of the regular season.

Oh, what a game.

To close out the 2019 NHL regular season, God’s Country, also looking to spoil some playoff dreams, took to the road to take on You Betcha, who knowing the results of the previous games, and holding the tie-breaker against the only team left competing for their playoff spot, took the field with the following mantra – win and in. God’s Country tried to spark the squad with some lineup mixups (with mixed results), with nice showings from a Baltimore D and RB Devin Singletary, and a great game from the sometimes inconsistent Famous Jameis (31 points) on their way to posting 104. However, it wasn’t enough to overcome a dominating performance from You Betcha. 5 players scored over 20 points each, and the side posted 150 in a foot-to-the-floor victory. Even the bench got involved, netting 124 points of their own, a mark good enough to beat half the league’s starters (including their opponent). The team that had taken so much shtick from the rest of the league for occupying dead last as recently as 4 weeks ago, rose from the ashes and gives reason to all NHL owners to hang on until the very end.  To clinch the super-competitive battle for the 4th and final playoff spot, GM Kirk awkwardly backed his squad in like the typically inebriated delivery guy that brings the propane back home does with his truck. In an otherwise unusual (and also mostly unrelated) real-world sports commentary, were You Betcha  to play real football in the NFC Least East (a division featuring the NFL’s Redskins, Eagles, Cowboys and Giants), he would actually be leading that conglomerate of sorry losers with a .500 record – once again showing the superiority of the ownership in the NHL over the NFL (take note, Jerry Jones, Dan Snyder, and to a lesser extent, Dean Spanos!)

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So with that, the regular season is settled. XFL Hype Train, Watermelon In Easter Hay, and Blah Blah Blah, all three bloodied and bruised, joined the ranks of the eliminated, while Fork Tender, Council of Steel, Bridesmaids No More, and You Betcha continue their journey in the hopes of snatching their own piece of playoff glory. As previously alluded, the 2019 NHL regular season was somewhat resistant to change. 3 of the 4 teams left have previous playoff experience – this writer’s admiration goes out to GM Jon and Council of Steel, who ascended from the throes of 2018 mediocrity to totally take it to the rest of the league this year. GM Hoyt takes Fork Tender back to the dance after rebounding from a woeful 2018 campaign. Ownership group Keith and Nolan look to finally shed the moniker of Bridesmaids No More!, and GM Kirk actually has an outside chance to defend his league title and put another trophy in You Betcha’s cabinet. As far as the eliminated goes, while being knocked out of postseason contention, a majority of teams actually met or exceeded prior expectation, be it from the teams’ front office or the rest of the league. Worth highlighting in this writer’s opinion (remember, this is basically an editorial weekly column), Sophomore GM Steph once again challenged for a playoff spot for the second year in a row – an astounding achievement not made by many longtime fantasy veterans including Co-Commish Will, with 10 years of fantasy football under his belt. Despite the top end of the league not changing much, there was also very little regression in the 2019 regular season. That being said, disappointingly, GM Grant failed to make the playoff ranks after 2018’s improvements, and must settle for equaling his 2017 mark of “best of the rest”, although he’ll face stiff competition from fellow playoff fallout GM Mark. GM Polly will also be contesting the award as she looks to defend her consolation prize from 2018. Early projections, according to TD Ameritrade analytics (no, really, there was a graph on ESPN’s site), pegged GM Todd as a postseason contender, and while this was not to be, and despite once again holding the league’s worst regular season record, GM Todd improved by one game over last year, a positive step in the arduous journey of NHL GM’ing. Truly the lone disappointment was GM Will and the XFL Hype Train, who (once again, according to TD Ameritrade technology) were projected to win the league in 2019, find themselves out of playoff contention for the second year in a row. A truly depressing result, once again proving the theory that you can’t run something and also be a successful participant without cheating (avoiding the obvious political ramifications, this writer points to a sports example in the MMA record of legendary modern fighter Fedor Emelianenko – Google it - as well as Pete Rose, and countless other player-managers.)

We’ll see you all back here next week for the playoffs.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 15 – Finish Line In Sight

As the NHL playoffs kick in to high gear, I can’t help but notice one thing. In the National HOLLEY League, 3 of the 4 playoff teams’ GM’s all share the same last name as that of the League. Coincidence? I think not. Since its inception, at least half the playoff the playoff teams, every year, have had the same condition. Could this mean that the family is genetically predisposed to fantasy football? GM’s and league presidents Kirk and Will have both made claims amounting to such in the past. Or is it simply evidence of familial favoritism? I fielded a similar question from a reader this week, sent in on popular microblogging site Twaddle –

@TotallyNotCrazyAtomShuffler - Are there any videos in the Patriots 'Do Your Job' series that aren't about cheating? - @sportsskeptic_1337

Answer: Pay the man, Shirley. I’m leaving early to go bowling. We’ve converted a singlewide back at the park into a one-laner. I think Le’Veon Bell was there last week.

Starting with the fight for “Best of the Rest,” the Kale Kings looked to defend their title in that regard with the best score of week 16. With 3 30-point performances from Lamar Jackson, Saquon Barkley, and Michael Thomas, as well as 27 from Jamison Crowder, the Kale Kings once again clearly ate their leafy greens this week. Despite the week 15 and 16 games on the consolation ladder not really counting for much, their score was so great that they did technically win the Belicheck/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their victory to the tune of 74 points. An impressive performance, clearly putting the Kale Kings head and shoulders above the rest of the field.

A few others desperately clambered over each other for the chance to challenge the Kale Kings next week for the loser’s title. Leading the contenders was the XFL Hype Train, who once again proved that while receivers can win you fantasy titles, running backs can certainly lose them. With the ball carriers failing to contribute anything meaningful, the team was boosted to 134 by Julio Jones’ standout 38-point performance, helped by 25 from waiver darling A.J. Brown. If this team had a tight end, they might be challenging the Kale Kings. Team Rockme and Watermelon In Easter Hay were nipping at the heels as well (and actually drew each other in their meaningless matchup). Team Rockme took the fake W in this one, led by Nick Chubb and the Bills D/ST. Keenan Allen, Zach Ertz and Jared Goff all also turned in nice performances enroute to posting 131. WIEH came close with 127, with Tyreek Hill and the Steeler D having nice games. Aaron Jones also contributed, although his fantasy numbers didn’t quite tell the tale of the monster NFL game he had.

The outsiders in this fight are God’s Country and Blah Blah Blah. God’s Country had the unfortunate luck to be paired with Kale Kings this week, meaning they take home the “Soda Can” Award for their 74-point defeat. This came despite 23 from Mark Ingram in an otherwise uninspired 94-point performance. Finally, Blah Blah Blah has the most ground to make up in Week 16, despite 20 from Russell Wilson and 17 from AP. Outside of those stats, there were a lot of single digits on the scorecard and even a -1 from the Rams defense. With only 80 points to their name, Blah Blah Blah needs a miracle to take home some cash.

Turning our attention to the games that actually matter, #1 seed Fork Tender took on #4 You Betcha. You Betcha threw down 4 20-point performances, coming from the stalwart Packers D/ST, laserlike Ryan Tannehill, acrobatic DJ Moore and “get off me!” George Kittle. Allen Robinson also added good value for the Betcha Boys who posted a great number. However, Fork Tender had an answer for everything they saw, with 20 from Sterling Shepherd, 23 each from Patty Mahomes and Tyler Higbee, 29 from the Pats D, and a shock 35 from Miles Sanders. Fork Tender convincingly wins this one and moves on to represent the Keenan division in the championship round, while You Betcha will play for bronze.

In the 2/3 game, Council of Steel hosted lower-seeded Bridesmaids No More. The Council came out strong, led by 36 from Christian McAffery, 26 from Chris Carson, and 25 from Travis Kelce. Kyler Murray, Chris Godwin, and Cooper Kupp all also contributed heavily in this one, throwing down the gauntlet for BM. The Bridesmaids were to seal their own destiny this week, fulfilling their sworn desire this weekend by assuring that they cannot finish in second place this year…by losing. Ezekiel Elliott and Todd Gurley looked great, and Deshaun Watson, DeAndre Hopkins and the Chiefs D put forth their best effort, but it just wasn’t enough to take home a victory. BM plays You Betcha next week in the Toilet Bowl, while the Council moves on to face Fork Tender for the big trophy.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Week 16 (Championship Week) – A Holley (League) Jolly Christmas

I’m just waking up from the salubrious effects of the last mason jar of Auntie Madeline’s “cherry jubilee” holiday hooch shared with the boys, although I admit we juice it up with a little Wild Irish Rose for that ‘fleur-de-lis’ buzz we like. I spent Christmas Eve with Marcel and the rest rolling a few duck pin frames, trying to double up my winter travel funds. At one point I thought I saw Le’Veon, but he pushes the big ones, I hear. Marcel got a sweet set-up at the end of the park – his mother-in-law’s’ single-wide is empty because she gave up on Separatism and went back to the homeland, so he was reading about these “tiny” houses and decided to convert her place into a “Tiny Man Cave”- anyway, it’s good playpen on a cold night with my buddies, and it gives Jacques a home for his little neighborhood numbers game.  But that’s another story. Christmas is done and finished too, with the newspaper wrapping all cleaned up and the roast dinner finished by all (remember the moose neighbor Ricky accidentally shot back at the beginning of the season?).

As I do each year, I will button up my humble abode and snowbird down to the land of erratic ancient drivers and dying citrus groves for the winter. I have planned a little tour of the ‘lands – Orange Land, Reptile Land, Peppermint Land, Gator Land, Animal Land, Disney Land, Bongo Land (don’t ask), Tropical Wonderland and of course Brew-Thru…land. I also have plans to catch up with my other blogging buddy, L.L. Piper, to speculate on the 2020 NHL draft, look back on the 2019 sports landscape and try to figure out why our moms put pen and paper in our hands instead of hockey sticks, basketballs or driving gloves. Speaking of sports, the final week of the NHL was at hand and with the world watching, here’s what went down to close out this decade of dominance (never mind that it was only 3 seasons’ worth).

Fighting to the end, God’s Country and Blah Blah Blah were looking for a collective Christmas miracle from their players.  The Country kids put up a very respectable 133 led by Tyler Boyd, who was trade bait all season.  The opposition was led by Alvin ‘Take A Picture With My’ Kamara (29 points), but despite getting the new toy from Grandma, cousin Dede (Westbrook) and Uncle Jason (Whitten) forgot to bring batteries and film, and could only scrounge enough out of the packet drawer to make up 5 points between them. This left God’s Country with a two- week total of 227, and Triple B with 197.

The league’s co-commish and also owner of XFL Hype Train (hello, Jerry Jones) vowed to follow Vince McMahon and come back with a vengeance in Week Two. Conversely, Team Rockme committed to build a tanking machine to somehow follow the Cincinnati Bengals to next year’s top draft choice, not realizing that the playoffs do not affect end of year standings. The Train steamed to 142 points, tendering 20+ points from 4 different positions.  Although Kyle ‘Reindeer’ Rudolph couldn’t get off the ground, the other 3 pass catchers were great for XFL. On the other hand, Rockme had a remarkable SIX positions that put up single digits - three of which had 3 points or less.  Some new front office talent may be what is needed to turn around the culture at Team Rockme - I hear Redskins GM Bruce Allen might be available.  XFL finishes with a respectable two-week total of 274, while Rockme lags with 209.

In the final consolation matchup, Kale Kings continued to show how eating your greens makes a Popeye out of even a cast-off line-up. Her 185 points in Week 2 gave AKK a 2018-Monster-Mash-like two-week total of 348 (last year’s winning number was 266 – thanks, Smellyash Sports Bureau), turning the other five competitors into green smoothies and beating the nearest score of XFL by 74 points.  Not only did the Kings shred the consolation bracket, but her scores would have easily defeated all four of the playoff teams in both weeks. Where was this brilliance during the regular season? When Lamar ‘Action’ Jackson is only your third highest scorer and Ronald Jones II puts up 19, you know it’s going to be a good day. Saquon Barkley was a major contributor, putting 43 individually-wrapped presents under the tree in a dominating performance. Watermelon in Easter Hay was a .500 player during the season, and had a good showing from his top three to garner 119 for a two-week total of 246, but it was just dwarfed by the leafy green team who repeats as winner of Best of the Rest. 

In the Toilet Bowl playoff matchup for 3rd place, last year’s champion You Betcha had a pedestrian 112 points and carried a wing and prayer into the very last Monday night round of players.  Bridesmaids No More had Dan Bailey(‘s Irish Cream), and needed just 12 to avoid a loss to arch-nemesis Betcha. Fortunately for the Betcha owner, his beloved Packers stomped all over the Vikings with Bailey only scoring four, barely pushing the Bridesmaids over the fantasy Mendoza Line, with a total of 104.  This relegated Bridesmaids to carry the bridal train behind Betcha for yet another season. Bridesmaids’ postseason record is starting to look like Kirk Cousins’ efforts on Monday Night Football, while the Betcha Boys add a bronze to their trophy case.

A legitimate battle ensued for the 2019 Commissioner’s Championship Award For The Best Team This Year. The two worthy contenders, Council of Steel and Fork Tender, represented the top two seeds in this year’s hunt for the gold. These were the two best teams all year and truly deserved this game. It came down to the wire, with the Tenderloins needing 20 from 2 players on Monday night in the final game. Tender had a tough break when Dalvin Cook was deemed overdone and couldn’t be served up in the starting lineup.  In a brilliant countermove, the Tender GM had all 3 (potential) Vikings RBs on the roster, and even considered the late addition of OJ Simpson and Jerome Bettis just in case. The question was – who to start?  Mike Boone (who?) got the nod for Fork Tender, but just wasn’t the guy, putting up only 3. Stefon Diggs’ 14 met projections but in the end it wasn’t enough, and the Council’s dominant 32 from Kenyon Drake alongside 31 by all-world Christian McCaffery (who carried the team on his back all year in an outstanding effort) gave our new champ an iron-clad winning score of 148. With the Council being the first championship team to not bear the namesake of the league in the front office, it proves that you, too, can be NHL champ if you just try hard, make good choices, manage your people well, and bribe the right league officials  just get a little lucky.

Before I sign off, just a few final thoughts on my migration south. I could drag my house south with that new truck I got from the Duke of Sealand back in week 8 or so, but instead I worked out a nice trade with my neighbor Guy. He’s still living with his mom, but will do the tow job of my home-on-wheels for a few weeks while I borrow his classic ’74 GMC ScenicCruiser 26’ edition to drive to the Land of Grapefruits and Goofeys.  Travelling via the Mississippi Valley will give me a chance to see how the riverboat casino thing compares with our local First Nations, who have a corner on our market. Along the way, I’ll make some stops at the various NHL team facilities with my VHS camera and make a little documentary about the offseason, Hard Knocks-style. I hope that my visits and repeated weekly ramblings haven’t ruffled too many front office feathers around the league, and I look forward to covering these teams and owners again next season in 2020. 

Here's to a relaxing holiday and a healthy and prosperous New Year. 

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider