2020

Well owners, it’s happened again. The NHL has drawn me back in for another year of fun in the sun. Mind you, I am out having fun in the sun since I can’t cross back over the border and am still stranded in Canada-land, where we are allowed to be in public, openly consume syrup, and freely cough and sneeze on one another because we froze out the COVID. What a strange season to start.  Didn’t think that the upstart sports league that stole the NHL initials would be playing playoffs in August.  Didn’t think that virtual fans would be all the rage in WWE, the NBA, and the Professional Bull Riding Association.  Didn’t that golf would be the dominant sport for masked conversations at the proverbial water cooler. Didn’t think the majority of states would legalize gambling, and then leave us to sign up for RobinHood and day-trading Facebook to satisfy our urges. Didn’t think that a virus bug would do more damage to the Iditerod track than global warming.  As your itinerant and roving sports reporter, I didn’t think that I would have to contemplate the possibility of staying over the entire winter in my humble Canadian tuna can on wheels instead of planning a sunny Florida winter bird retreat at the end of the season.  Then again, it’s all for the best, because even though the Mounties seem to like me just fine, the US CBP folks didn’t seem all that eager to let me head north last year – something about a tiger and a lady paying me to “disappear” her rich husband. That seems so long ago now, but I guess it’s still an issue in the land of the bald eagle. As an alternative me and my buddies are already in touch with the other NHL, talking about renting the Edmonton bubble after they’re done with it so we can have a ‘home-on-wheels’ Trailerpalooza get-together if we can’t cross the border this year.  We’ll see.

This year’s draft was more of the norm from the NHL. Once again using an alternate drafting solution, the owners bumbled and bumped their way through, struggling with technical difficulties and pick theft just like every other year. The draft, as always,

also gave us the recipient of our first award for the year, the Grant Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award, given to the owner with the most questionable draft day decision. This year’s winner is not Grant himself, but we keep it in the family with the award instead going to Todd and God’s Country. Todd might know something the rest of the league doesn’t, but the other 9 owners were left scratching their heads at the selection of NFL free agent RB Davonta Freeman, who remains unsigned after coming off a 1000+ yard season. Come to think of it, it actually might not be that bad of a move.

Last year’s second place team owner, Fork Tender, left for that great sirloin in the sky.  The franchise was renamed to Hair43 by new GM David, who brought all 43 of his follicles to the first match of the season.  His brilliant draft of rookie RB C. Edwards-Helaire harkens back to first round draft of the firm of Maurice, Jones and Drew.  The new junior member didn’t disappoint, scoring 19; as much as his all-Big 12/Pro/American QB Mahomes.  Oft-forgotten WR Calvin Ridley broke form and delivered 34 while the Bills DST grounded the Jets. His opponent, Todd and God’s Country (Todd’s Country?), posted an outstanding new team image sporting some fine French berets and threw an equally talented QB, who got Jackson-esque numbers, but the supporting cast just couldn’t hold up.  In a bold coaching move, the Country utilized the famous 2 TE starting set, but in the end it didn’t throw off the Hair, who gave Country a wooden shampoo and set the permanent win. This meant that we can start to hand out the weekly awards – David takes home both The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for highest margin of victory at 55, as well as half of The Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for high game score at 167. This of course means that Todd unfortunately now owns the Soda Can Award for his 55 point defeat.

Speaking of stealing initials and posting new team images – What’s up with the National Holley League ®? This is an owner that believes marketing beats fantasy strategy, and so clearly went out and spent all of his draft sheckles on acquiring publication rights to that Gorden Ramsey-ish image, and hijacking the NHL moniker in some off-shore banana republic court.  Needless to say the real NHL will pursue with vigor the reclamation of it’s rightful name and likely will write a 43-page disclaimer that all league participants will be obligated to (claim to) read and sign-off on.  In the actual game our new mystery rookie, Daniel, kept the beloved Kale Kings logo and name and invested all of his capital in a top flight draft last Tuesday landing QB Kyler Murray, the Freak Squad of Zeke and Tyreek, and the other law firm of Smith & Schuster.  Together those four scored 95 on the way to high total for the week of 167. It’s early, but The League looks like it will fight once again to draft at the top of the class in 2021. It also means that Daniel and the Kale Kings, who also posted 167 in their win, take home the other half of The Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award.

Moving back to last year’s podium, looks like You Betcha did more than trade in the name plate for “Be the One!”  It also looks like he forgot how to coach leaving, 80 points on the bench. With a new image that looks like he just got an enema, he should have been yelling at first round pick Michael “Mouse” Thomas who disappointed with a mere 4 points.  Partner “Too Few Drew” Brees didn’t help by throwing for only 160 and getting 14 pts.  Going into this match, Vegas was all over the under and had the Blah girls as a sleeper. Those who bought that line profited nicely. ‘Big Mac’ Caffrey got his usual whopper with 27, Dak did 19, committee back Mostert got a surprising 24 and the Steelers D did the Giants in a….well, we can’t say on a family website.  All together it was easy pickings for BBB and maybe it will knock the scowl off of that mean Disney face.

The other co-commissioner didn’t fare any better as Team Rockme took the advice of his opponent, Don’t Stand So Close To Me, and ran away with the win.  Rockme had the high scorer for the week, D Adams, who blew up the Metrodome and delivered 41 for the Rockme boys, enroute to taking home some hardware in the form of the “You Got Rocked!” Award  (Note to Be the One!, a notorious Packer sympathizer, who drafted Thomas and his 4 points in round one as the first WR off the board – don’t you wish you took Devonte instead?). Rockme fed the snake oil to wheelchair-bound David Johnson, who, in NFL running back years is only slightly younger than Boris Johnson,  Dwayne Johnson, or Lyndon Baines Johnson, but somehow found some fountain of youth and carried his rock for 19 pts. OBJ still needs to be found but reliable Matt ‘Lion-for-life’ Prater showed why he is the only reliable player in that pride and delivered a solid 11.  For the Policemen, all you need to know is that if the opposition receiver scores 41 and you start the NFL defense playing against him, your defense likely scores only 3.  The rest of the team was pretty pedestrian, and Rockme takes the match.

In the most anticipated match of the day, the Commissioner’s Championship Award For the Best Team This Year-winner (for 2019) Council of Steel vs the #4 team, perennial league runners-up NoKe.  Before the match even started, the analysts were reviewing the draft and noted that NoKe was not going to have Derrick Henry run all over them AGAIN in the playoffs. They went ahead and fixed that issue by putting the pounder on the NoKe roster.  This match was neck and neck, and a better run than the recent Derby. The MVP for Steel was ‘Kitchen Sink’ Jacobs who caught passes, ran for a buck-39, and scored 3 TDs, preserving Derrick’s Carr’s job for one more week. Every starter for Steel except Devonte Parker had double digits.  For the talented ownership pair in Ohio, they might have been a little too cute emulating God’s Country management by starting two tight ends.  Certainly, TE Evan Engram can’t have any confidence after learning that he was on the trading block just 40 minutes after getting drafted.  If NoKe had put ANY of their other flex players in and moved the TE#1 out of the flex, they would have erased Engrams measly 2 points and won.  But that’s why we play the games, isn’t it? The Council won this match by 2 points and moves on.

With week 2 in the books, can the bottom dwellers right their ships? Will the rookies continue to dominate? Which co-commissioner will have a lower coach ranking? Can the pandemic keep me from collecting my berries or making elderflower wine in the bathtub?  These and other challenging conundrums will be considered next week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, with another week of empty stadiums hosting magical fantasy football games (except in Florida, of course), we can all agree that despite the Big Rona football is here to stay for 2020. Taking notes from other coaches throughout the sporting world, NHL owners and GM’s were spotted stalking the sidelines in a variety of protective headgear – some with the normal mask or Harbor Freight face shield, and others getting a bit more extreme with welding masks and motorcycle helmets. This reporter would like to take advantage of his platform and take the opportunity to apologize after the NHL (the real one, not the fake one licensed to Grant) fined me CAD$ 250 for not wearing a proper mask. I figured a hockey goalie helmet would stop the covid – she’s been stopping pucks in my beer league games for the last 7 years, so why not the ‘rona? I digress. Just….if I coughed on anyone, you should probably stay home for a few days just to be safe.

We start the week with reigning champs Council of Steel on the road against the imposter National Holley League ®. This was a thriller with the two teams separated by just 6, our closest game of the week. The champs looked good early, with RB Johnathan Taylor and WR John “Hollywood” Brown putting in nice performances behind a stud day from TE Travis Kelce. The “other” NHL was just that little bit better though, despite facing injury woes with RB James White, as RB Ekeler, WRs Hopkins and Moore, and TE Jonnu Smith all broke the 20-point mark, just giving NHL® the edge as they improve to 1-1.

On the topic of injury woes, let’s take a look at the matchup between our two newcomers, the “under new management” Kale Kings and Hair43. As the rest of the NHL establishment looked on to see how the new guys would do, the two owners locked horns in a great battle. Hair43 might be Troy Polamalu-inspired, but it was the other Head and Shoulders spokesman, Patrick Mahomes, that headed up this squad’s scoring efforts with 27 (Calvin Ridley also added 29 of his own). Despite a good score, Hair43 left a lot of points on the bench, leaving the door open for the Kings, who despite losing WR Chris Godwin, got a win with standout performances from Kyler Murray and the Freaks, Zeke and Tyreek. God, that’s fun to say.

In a matchup of unapologetic Packer Backers, Don’t Stand So Close to Me played host to God’s Country. Much like the public opinion of The Police (the band, everybody, the band, calm down) over the last 45 years, DSSCTM’s lineup had some high points and some low points. Key efforts came from RB Nick Chubb and QB Josh Allen, substituted at the last minute for Touchdown Tommy in an excellent personnel maneuver. The Todd Squad had much more uniform distribution, but unfortunately for God’s Country, most of it seemed to go to the bench. DK Metcalf and Aaron Rodgers turned in nice games, but swapping starting RB’s Adrian Peterson and Devin Singletary for the benched Leonard Fournette and James Conner would have been a 33-point swing, and given Todd his first win of the year. God’s County looks to improve next week in a fun matchup with the aforementioned Kale Kings.

I mentioned highs and lows, so I’m using that as a segue into our next matchup between Be The One! and NoKe. Highs – BT1 sharing ownership of the “You Got Rocked!” Award after Aaron Jones’ 44-point performance. Lows – BT1’s Will Fuller scoring 0 points. Lowest – NoKe’s whole lineup, good for only 86 points and qualifying them for the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (once again proudly presented by Hefty™ brand trash bags). Also Lowest – NoKe’s starting lineup being outscored by BT1’s bench (BT1’s two TE’s, Henry and Gaseki – 41 points. All NoKe’s starters minus the QB and DST – 43 points. Woof.).

Since we’re handing out trophies, we would be remiss not to talk about the marquee matchup of the week, an absolute barnburner between Blah Blah Blah and Team Rockme. Here’s the thing – any week you put up 158 fantasy points, your team should probably win. If not, you should only lose by 5 or 6. What should not happen is getting stepped on by a margin of 45. GM Mark put out a great lineup this week, with Matt Ryan, Tyler Higbee, and the Ravens D/ST all putting in great work while RB Alvin Kamara wowed with 37. Rockme’s lineup was also efficient with few points left to rot on the bench, making great use of what was available on the roster. It just wasn’t to be, though, as Blah Blah Blah came through like Hurricane Dorian and lit up the scoreboard with 203 points. Two hundred and three. That’s one shy of the all-time NHL record, folks. Run CMC hung 23 before his ankle gave out, TE Darren Waller and the Steeler D both added 28, WR Diante Johnson posted 29, and the Dak Attack dazzled with 44 points (granting co-ownership of the “You Got Rocked!” Award). That overall score was also good for the Belichek/Carroll “Run Up The Score” Award for high score for the year. GM Steph, congrats on the hardware. GM Mark – them’s the breaks. Both these teams look lethal from top to bottom this year – keep an eye out moving forward.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, they say third time’s the charm. Maybe since it’s week 3 of the NHL, they will have gotten rid of the ‘rona. No? People are still wrapping their whole head in saran wrap for “protection”? Well, damn. I kind of hoped that the glorious Mr. Trudeau had fixed this one for my Yank neighbors. I wish you all would adopt the bubble, it worked out so well in Edmonton. My trailer is still disease free, and I refuse to leave for fear of catching the Kung Flu. That still can’t stop me from my greatest mission in life, and that is covering the NHL, so with that said, let’s get cracking.

Let’s start with the only interleague game of the week, which saw Hair43 playing host to Be The One!, who was hoping to Be The Win this week. BTW did a great job working with what he had, and got a lot of help from a stout Colts defense that kept them from the fantasy Mendoza line of 100 points. Aaron Jones returned to Earth but still put in good work, and Jerrick McKinnon also contributed. Hair came roaring back, though, and put up a great fight. Patrick (not Pat, according to Mommy) nearly had 43 for Hair43, and led the way for the scoring on the way to a victory for the Follicle Force.

In the Wayne, we start with Noke and BlahBlahBlah. Noke opened it up early and stayed ahead, anchored by two 30-point performances from Russell Wilson and James Robinson (nice waiver pickup!), with help from Derrick Henry in the Covid-tainted game. Noke had put in the work, so it was up to Triple B to answer the call. BlahBlahBlah started out with a great outing from Dak Prescott, and Cooper Kupp also put in a very strong performance. Unfortunately, the rest of the squad didn’t quite keep up, especially WR Dionte Johnson, who got hurt early and ended up with a goose egg on the score sheet. Not too much else to say here, except beware of the ghost of Tom Dempsey – heeeee’s baaaaack…

The other divisional matchup saw Team Rockme taking on the defending champs Council of Steel. The champs looked good early, with Deshaun Watson and the 49er D/ST holding strong. WR Allen Robinson had himself a great day, leading the scoring for the Council with 28 points of his own. Looking to respond, Team Rockme did not start out strong, with 4 players all posting scores in the single digits. Oddly enough, the effort started, slowly and surely, with the kicker Matt Prater, who threw up 14, before RB Mike Davis added 22, followed by a whopping 43 from Alvin Kamara, which propelled Rockme to victory.

Speaking of kickers taking charge, let’s take a look at the imposter National Holley League ® taking on Don’t Stand So Close To Me. DSSCTM thought he had made a hot waiver pickup with kicker Younghue Koo, but it was all a letdown, as he missed both an XP and a FG and sunk his chance at a respectable score. Nonetheless, his team took a lead late into Sunday, helped by great performances from Josh Allen, Dalvin Cook, and Nick Chubb. But with his lineup all done, it was just up to NHL’s kicker Mason Crosby to salvage the game for the squad, and salvage he did, booting enough through the uprights to net him a WR-like score of 16. Also worth mentioning – Tyler Lockett absolutely went off in a near 40-point performance for NHL. The Imposters take this one as the Policemen get robbed.

Finally, God’s Country played host to the Kale Kings. Once again, the Todd Squad had their ups and downs, with surprise poor performances from Dallas Goedert and Leonard Fournette, but a great show from DK Metcalf and the Patriots D unit. God’s Country did leave a lot of points on the bench (how do you sit Aaron Rodgers?), but the starters worked hard and put up a high bar for Kale Kings to meet. Kale Kings came out swinging, led by Kyler Murray and Tyreek Hill. Mark Andrews and Melvin Gordon, however, did not carry their weight and it looked close for a while. In the end, Kale Kings had done enough to get them the win, and they remain 3-0.

One quarter of the way through the season, and the NHL is hotting up. The divisional picture is becoming more clear, even though my glasses are fogging up behind my stupid corona mask. Of course with players and staffers catching it left and right, I’m scared to take the mask off even when I’m home alone. I might have to get news of the games by smoke signal next week just to be safe.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider 

With election season among us, I think of all the hooplah around your election is a bit out of control. Everyone throwing accusations left and right, and I can’t tell what’s more common down there, a scandal or a case of the Covid. I’m hearing all sorts of horror stories. Don’t Stand So Close To Me’s GM and league assistant VP Will told me that they put up a mail-in ballot box by the local courthouse, and within 18 hours of it being installed it had been stolen by some local rapscallions (this is a true story – my sergeant gave us a speech about it this morning – Will). Speaking of DSSCTM and theft – who saw the trade THAT franchise pulled off over the weekend? That’s twice this year that Team NHL GM Grant has been on one end of a trade that starts out good and ends questionable – you may have seen his 5-player Week 2 swap with NoKe, involving (quoting Grant here) “Suckwon Barkey”. Week 1, all of those guys were bona fide starters. By the time the trade was done, 4 of them had injury designations, and the 5th, Barkley, was on season-ending IR. I guess what goes around comes around, as before Team NHL could exchange Keenan Allen for T.Y. Hilton and Nick Chubb, Chubb was out for a few weeks with an ankle. Rough stuff. League scuttlebutt tells me, as well as the users of popular social media platform Twaddle, that all three of the above mentioned teams are all still firing up the trading block, and some other GMs might also be looking to come out and play.

We start another tough divisional week in the Keenan this time, with Hair43 on the road at National Holley League ®. With the delayed trade not taking effect until Tuesday morning, the Imposters still were reliant on RB Austin Ekeler to help out the run game, but an injury sidelined him early. Joe Mixon more than made up for it, however, with a massive 42-point effort. The rest of the team was fairly pedestrian, although we did see good production from former VCU basketball standout Mo Alie-Cox at the TE position. Great pickup of the ex-Ram, by another ex-Ram. On the other side of the ball, WR Calvin Ridley failed to bring in any of his 5 targets, leading to a goose egg at the FLEX for the curly coiffured squad. The rest of Hair43’s guys were much more productive, however, led by RB Chris Carson and WR Austin Cooper both having career days. The Follicle Force improves to 3-1 and NHL (registered trademark) sits at .500.

Across the division, Don’t Stand So Close To Me played host to Kale Kings. Much like Team NHL, the Policemen suffered from the lack of early trade execution, as soon-departing RB Nick Chubb suffered an early injury leaving the rushing attack all up to Dalvin Cook, who delivered with 28 points. Also just like Team NHL, the rest of the team struggled to deliver save the QB position, with Josh Allen turning in another nice performance. In almost a mirror image of our previous game, Kale Kings also had to contend with a zero, as WR Juju Smith-Schuster was bitten by the COVID bug. The rest of the team all turned in very good outings, with four 20+ point performances enroute to a convincing win. We’re starting to see a theme developing in the Keenan – Kale Kings improve to a perfect 4-0 (the league’s only unbeaten team) and looks like the class of the division, while DSSCTM slips to 1-3.

In the Wayne, defending champs Council of Steel hosted Be The One! After claiming it was over, GM Kirk decided that BT1 would continue the Mike Gasecki experiment for another week, and for another week it was a resounding failure. Also worth noting – K Greg “The Leg” Zurlein somehow only scored 2 points (2/2 XP’s) despite the Cowboys putting up 38. The other members of the squad all looked strong, with all three pass catchers turning in 20+ point games as well as stud RB Aaron Jones. For the reigning champs, several disappointing performances hamstrung their efforts this week. WR’s Allen Robinson and Devante Parker and QB Deshaun Watson all put up very respectable numbers, but the rest of the team was very lackluster, with the team just barely cusping over the 100-point mark. Don’t call them Be The One, call them Be The Won, as the Council slides to 1-3.

The other Wayne matchup saw our closest game of the week, as NoKe visited Team Rockme. Team Rockme started out strong with a fierce rushing attack, as Mike Davis and Alvin Kamara both turned in very good performances. OBJ also had a career day, putting up very competitive rushing numbers to go with a great receiving performance (how about that fleaflicker play?). The lower half of the lineup struggled a lot more, but with several very good performances it wasn’t going to be easy for the two-headed NoKe. It turns out that two heads may be better than one, as NoKe made very efficient use of what was available on the roster to put their best foot forward. QB Russel Wilson, WR Adam Thielen, and surprise RB performer Antonio Gibson all had great days and got plenty of help from a shutdown Rams D. In the end, NoKe was juuuuust able to edge Rockme, whose string of bad luck unfortunately continues.

Our primetime game saw interleague opponents square off, with BlahBlahBlah taking the long flight back East to God’s Country. It was all about the passing attack for Triple B, as QB Dak Prescott kept tossing bombs to WR Cooper Kupp, TE Darren Waller, and anyone else in the building with two hands. His 500-yard day led to 39 fantasy points and boosted the team to a very competitive score. Going in to the Monday night game, it looked like God’s Country was going to get the short end of the stick once again – the score was very close, but 8 out of 9 players had posted acceptable but not stunning numbers. In a baffling move, stud TE George Kittle found himself and his 39 points consigned to riding the pine in favor of relatively unknown (outside of Packer Backer circles) TE Robert Tonyan. GM Todd knew something we all didn’t, though, and used the opportunity to flex his insider knowledge on the rest of the league, as Tonyan snagged 3 TD’s enroute to a 33 point performance giving God’s Country the win. Mr. T dunks on the haters with his first W of the year as BlahBlahBlah moves to 2-2.

Well folks, the real bye weeks are here, not like that other fake bye week that almost got me fired (Simpsons, anyone?). I hope your benches are deep, because those rosters are about to start thinning out. The wavier wire is about to get hotter than a Wall Street ticker tape machine during a tech company stock sale – at least I assume. We’re still using moose antlers as currency because of the Canadian change shortage (and I think they’re just bartering with hash over in British Colombia), so I’m really not the one to ask. I just hope when Amazon Prime day rolls around next week I can order a new trailer hitch for the house.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

You know, they say life resembles art (or is it “art imitates life”?). Here in the Great White North, we say a you can’t ride a house, but you can live in an enclosed snowmobile. Why do we say that? I don’t know, but damn is riding sleds fun. Our greatest performing art form is North American hockey, which you Yanks have tried to steal with the National league for years. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, they tried to turn hockey into the NBA by letting 3/4ths of the teams into the playoffs, further proving that once again, mediocrity is acceptable – sort of like grade inflation in schools or imitation cheese food.  They almost created a wildcard situation that would have permitted the AHL Champ, Calder Cup-winning Toronto Marlies, and two local beer league teams into the Stanley Cup quarterfinals. It’s all about the money and damn the art. God help us all when a team based in South Florida wins the hockey championship.

How is this like the National Holley League? Mediocrity is creeping into the league like the early Arctic snowdrift that keeps covering my driveway. A great majority of the teams are either 3-2 or 2-3.  With apologies to newcomer Daniel, where is any dominance? I know in years past, I’ve begged for more competitive matchups and more parity across the league, but this is NOT what I meant. This week, if I want excitement, I guess I’ll have to watch one of those wild Red Bull-sponsored events with the dirt bikes. Speaking of questionable sponsorship, rumor has it that if the league relents and allows all 10 teams into the playoffs, local energy drink manufacturer “Goospis Energy” will sponsor the tournament (rumor has it that they rejected the name “Moospis Energi” because it sounded too foreign – plus the Goospis one has the national bird on the can). Maybe I need a zesty caffeinated drink so that I can focus on what the hell happened last week, a week that got extended by one day thanks, once again, to Big Rona.

This week saw a frenzy of trading activity that affected no outcomes. The first match pitted friendly foes Be the One! against Team Rockme. The One tried to trade with the entire league, even forgoing the embargo with China to try and get another running back by trading for Olympic track star Liu Xiang.  In the end, he was snubbed by all (even the Commies) and just played his bench, which was surprisingly strong and scored double digits for all players. Rockme put up the second highest total of the week at 138, led by RB Mike Davis and a shutdown Baltimore D. That score would have won any other match this week, but they fell victim as BT1 had the week’s top score of 157.

In a battle of the Steel City, the Pittsburgh-loving house had an internal fight to see who could dominate this year’s match. The early season heroics of BlahBlahBlah are becoming a distant memory, as injuries to both stars McCaffrey and Prescott are ruining the good start. Council of Steel was only but so sympathetic, as Deshaun Watson and Travis Kelce each put up 24 to help the Council ‘steel’ back the bragging rights in the house. RB Miles Sanders tried to save it for the Triple B, but for this week boys beat girls. For a future barnburner, put the November rematch on your calendar. Remember, girls don’t give up easy, this could be a slugfest.

In another(virtual) household match, God’s Country, despite a very thin bench, outlasted the hard luck National Holley League ®.  In this lower-scoring defensive affair, the Todd Squad had the highest scorer with DK Metcalf’s 27.  The Country had a ‘no show’ from starter Scott Miller, but that was offset by VCU Ram’s alumnus Moe Alie-Cox. “Mo says No!” used to be the catchphrase in Richmond when he was rejecting the entire A-10’s layups and dunks, but this week Mo said No to scoring points of his own instead. Lamar Jackson was a surprise with only 13 for God’s Country, but altogether it was enough for this team to improve and join a large group at 2-3.

Like the Steel-forging teams highlighted above, NoKe is headed by a dynamic two-owner system.  The difference is that this ownership believes all trades are good trades (so long as they initiate them), and the player on the other side of the fence is always better than the player on the bench.  And in a close game with League-leading Kale Kings, the trade this week for DJ Moore actually just might have done the trick.  Moore’s 19, along with another otherworldly game-saving performance by Russel Wilson (what was Mike Zimmer thinking at the end of that game?), Thielin’s 29, and the usual from mega-dread Derrick Henry put NoKe over the top. They caught a break when typically savy Kale Kings were surprised with a COVID-cancelled RB Melvin Gordon, and got no production in that position.  KK was the last undefeated team in the league, so kudos to NoKe for getting everyone else a little closer to the top.

Last of the weekend was the close match between Don’t Stand So Close to Me and Hair43.  The Head and Shoulders team got 30 from the other spokesman, Patrick Mahomes, but when Dak went down Amari Cooper’s fortunes fell (as did tight end Dalton Schultz), as he only put up 4 with Ancient Andy Dalton soft tossing the pigskin. The Policemen are short on personnel, down on morale, are losing people to retirements in unprecedented numbers and are riddled with injuries and sickness – and Will’s fantasy team also has many of those qualities. That said, DSSCTM was able to scrape together a starting roster that could put up triple digits. In the end on the surprise Tuesday night game (interesting scheduling these days), it was Josh Allen for DSSCTM vs. the Bills Defense for Hair43. Both failed to live up to expectations, but the Follicle Force had enough points in hand to defeat the Police force. DSSCTM falls to 1-4, the worst in the league.

That’s it for this week. Hard to keep up – like the Beatles, it seems like the NHL is playing 8 days a week.  I’m hoping the arctic blast through my thin aluminum windows will freeze out the dreaded Covid and keep me healthy. In the meantime I’ll chase the rumors, report the stories, and keep chugging Labbat’s – alcohol kills the virus, you know.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Before we get in to the week, I’m pleased to bring you coverage of another NHL league front office personnel move. Our benevolent commissioner, Roger Stern-Bettman, has appointed a Virus Czar, Dr. Mantis Toboggan, a “medical doctor”, to head up the NHL’s health initiatives. This comes after co-VP and GM Will goes off for his 3rd Covid test this month, leading to outcry among players that the league’s current health plan of “rub some dirt on it, you’ll be fine” was ineffective. Dr. Toboggan comes to the NHL with a wealth of experience in general medical studies, and also more specifically a large catalog of knowledge about viruses (mostly computer viruses, but that’s not important). Remember kids, tell all your friends, (Don’t) Catch the Bug! This week was another interleague week, so let’s get right in to it.

Starting us off was the imposter National Holley League ® taking on BlahBlahBlah. NHL started out looking strong, with Minshew the Moustache leading the way with 21. Unfortunately, none of his teammates wanted to follow him in to battle, since they would have to look at his bad mullet. Only WR Tee Higgins made a passable effort, and the NHL just squeaked over the fantasy Mendoza line with 100. Triple B looked a little better, with a reserved effort across the board – excepting the dominant Pittsburgh defense (homer pick). With 8 players scoring less than 16, Triple Trouble didn’t light the world on fire, but they hung enough on the scoreboard to take the win.

Next up, the Todd Squad left God’s Country and faced off with Be The One! God’s Country looked strong early, with Lamar Jackson and first-round stud TE George Kittle each having great outings. RB James Connor also looked competitive, but the last line on the roster was the issue. My BSPN contemporary Steven A. said it best – “I’m calling them Allas now, because those Cowboys ain’t go no D!” That left the door open for BT1, who looked to capitalize on good days from Cam Newton and Will Fuller. Unfortunately for Kirk, that was where the scoring ended. 2 3’s, a 2, and a 0 all sunk this ship before it left the port. Be The One! pips the previous owner by one point and takes home some hardware – The Little Sisters Of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award (confusingly presented by Hefty ® Garbage Bags) with their 85-point stinker. Give this one to God’s Country.

Speaking of hardware, let’s take a look at Kale Kings vs. Team Rockme. Rockme looked very strong, with consistent numbers across the board. Matty Ice returned to his old form, hanging 30 on the board, and WR Justin Jefferson lit up the score sheet with 39 points. Even good old Mr. Irrelevant Ryan Succop put up double digits from the kicker spot. Kale Kings had a lot of work to do to get back in to this one, and boy did they…not do any of it. Kyler Murray’s 28 was the lone bright spot, as Tyreek Hill, Juju Smith-Schuster and Mark Andrews combined for just 11. RB Melvin Gordon dealt with illness and a DUI arrest, and didn’t even play, netting his squad a 0. Worst of all, though, was K Jake Elliott, who missed his only attempt of the day, scoring -1, our first negative score of the year. This of course means Kale Kings takes ownership of the newly renamed “Natas Liah” Drawa (formerly the “Hail Satan” Award) in honor of his backwards point scoring. Rockme takes this one easy.

Our next matchup saw Don’t Stand So Close To Me on the road in a must-win situation against Council of Steel. The Council appointed QB Deshaun Watson head of the scoring department for the week, as he hung 30 points on the board in an impressive effort. TE Travis Kelce and WR Deebo Samuel also impressed, snagging anything that came their way. Overall, the Council put forth a very strong effort and left an uphill climb for the struggling Policemen. DSSCTM had it all to do, especially with their woeful running back situation once again hamstringing the team. Even fantasy standout QB Josh Allen failed to deliver his usual haul of points, causing panic and desperation in the team’s front office. WR AJ Brown gave the team a glimmer of hope with 22, but it was the streamed defense of Miami that played shutdown ball and scored 30 that breathed life back in to this lineup. In the end, DSSCTM was able to take this squeaker of a matchup by just 2 points, and escaped the doldrums of the one-win club.

Finally, in our primetime game this week, Hair43 and NoKe did battle for the 2nd place spot in the league standings. The Follicle Force came out strong, with Patrick Mahomes, Amari Cooper, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire all scoring 20 or more (shouldn’t it be Clyde Edwards-Hair?). The other pass-catchers also had strong performances and Hair43 had a great day on the virtual gridiron. The trade-crazy NoKe front office pulled off another transaction going into the game Sunday morning, but in the end it didn’t matter, as they left their starters in. Julio Jones was back to his 2016 form scoring 33, and the MegaDread himself Derrick Henry put up 40 on the back of another 200+ yard rushing performance. (Fun factoid from the Bellyash Sports Bureau – he’s the first guy to do that in three straight seasons in the history of the game. Wow.) The real star, though, proved that the only way is Koo. That’s right, I’m talking about Korean kicking sensation Younghue Koo, the XFL’s leading all-time scorer, who knocked in 20 points with his right foot. That performance sealed the deal for NoKe, giving them the victory.

Well, that about does it for me this week. I’m off to get a hole pushed in my brain with a Q-tip. Of course, it’s free up here in beaver country, although with my luck, it won’t be a Q-tip, it’ll be an icicle. The snow has already been down in the yard for a few weeks, and I’ve started my annual winter ‘cooler’ build – a pile of snow on the back porch with some holes in it, so I can chill my Molson and Kokanee using nature’s refrigerator (because, of course, mine is propane-powered and doesn’t work anyway). I’ll still be watching from afar – my neighbor Darren fixed my satellite dish’s black box so I can get all the Yank channels for free again. Until next time –

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

It was a week of highs and lows in the NHL. With the regular season crossing the halfway point, teams and owners are really starting to turn up the heat. With this change in philosophy comes owners attempting more “all-or-nothing” moves, and that was certainly reflected in this week’s score sheets. No team had just a normal score – most teams gambled and lost on a few players, while a handful followed the smart money and cashed in big. It’s a fitting analogy, given that the Circa casino in Las Vegas has just opened the world’s largest sportsbook, in an era where people can’t go to it and most people just gamble online anyway. I wouldn’t know about that, the town only has two hardline internet connections at the library and most people just use it to look up moose calls. I just go see Theo – he’s the only bank teller in town and also the town bookie. He gets us all the best lines on the CFL, QMJHL and both pro curling leagues, so I’m not complaining. I just wish I could win once or twice a year.

We start out with Council of Steel on the road against the fierce Kale Kings. The Council really suffered in the running back department, with Josh Jacobs and the Ageless Wonder Frank Gore combining for just 11 points. Deshaun Watson turned in a nice performance at QB, and the 49ers struck gold against a very weak Patriots offense. This made it so that Kale Kings would have to put up a fight. The King’s running backs weren’t anything to write home about this week either, but the real flop was WR CeeDee Lamb, who managed a goose egg on the back of 1 rushing yard and 0 catches on 5 targets. On the flip side, da  Bears defense lived up to their history as a crushing defensive powerhouse, and Kyler Murray was once again electric, tossing 4 TDs. In the end, it was just enough to put Kale Kings over the top, and they still look like the class of the Keenan Division.

Our next game was a close one, with Don’t Stand So Close To Me hosting BlahBlahBlah. Both teams were bitten by the injury bug at running back, with BBB’s Miles Sanders not even making it onto the field and DSSCTM’s Devonte Freeman exiting in the first quarter having totaled just 8 yards. With this new game of 8-on-8, every point counted for both teams. The Policemen once again turned to Josh Allen and Kenny Golliday for their usual production, and got a nice surprise from A.J. Brown who turned in 27. For Triple B, TE Darren Waller was impressive, netting 17 points, and RB Chase Edmonds was able to tot up 22. It was a close matchup, but in the end, this low-scoring affiar goes to Don’t Stand So Close To Me, 108-101.

Speaking of close finishes, let’s take a look at Team Rockme and Hair43. Both teams had some up and down performances. Hair43 got scoring from some unusual places – TE Rob Gronkowski was back on his old form with 17, and kicker Will Lutz provided 11. WRs Tyler Boyd and Calvin Ridley both also added nice totals, and Hair43 had a respectable 134 on the board. For Team Rockme, it was a little more up and down, with some 3’s and 4’s on the sheet, but Matt Ryan and Alvin Kamara both eclipsed 20. The real star of the show, however, was Devante Adams, who hung 44 in his return. This meant that Team Rockme juuuuuuust squeaked by, 138-134. Adam’s performance also should have won Team Rockme some hardware, but more on that in a bit.

Flipping from close finishes, we move on to NoKe visiting God’s Country. For God’s Country, Aaron Rodgers was a more than adequate backup for fantasy stud Lamar Jackson, and Cole Beasly also helped out with some nice numbers. The Patriots D may have had to spend a lot of time on the field because of the weak New England offense, but the high reps gave them plenty of chances to make plays, and they delivered as well with 20. For NoKe, they made the smart move of leaving the untradeable Le’Veon Bell on the bench in favor of waiver stud RB James Robinson, who added 30. QB Russell Wilson also scored 30 points, despite taking a loss to the Cardinals (this made Pete Carroll so angry he popped a blood vessel, and THAT made GM’s Will and Kirk very happy). Finally, the Chiefs defense had a monster day that included 2 trips to the end zone, totaling 44 points. With that, NoKe never looked back and left God’s Country in the dust this week, winning by 60.

We started by talking about close games, so it’s only fitting that we finish with….this. Our last game saw Be The One! take on National Holley League ® in a matchup of teams with punctuation in the name. There’s no way around it – this was a beatdown. After taking this hard loss this week and suffering at the hands of God’s Country last week, GM Kirk took it hard and posted on popular microblogging site Twaddle – “Shoot, maybe we should call it the National HOLDEN League. #AllLeaguesMatter” Accidental TD scorer Todd Gurley and sneaky waiver handcuff Jamaal Williams delivered at RB, as did WR Terry McLaurin, but that was about it. In fact, QB Cam Newton had -1, giving BT1 join ownership of the “Natas Liah” Drawa for his negative points (how the hell does a quarterback go negative?). NHL, on the other hand, brought the ruckus, with 26 from Deandre Hopkins, 38 from Justin Herbert, and a truly mind-melting 53 from Tyler Lockett, who had a 200 yard, 3-TD day. This was good enough to give NHL the “You Got Rocked” Award for his outstanding performance, and propelled the team to a 203-110 victory. While we’re handing out hardware, NHL takes joint ownership of the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for their 203-point tally, and sole possession of the Belicheck/Carroll “Run Up The Score” Award for their 97-point margin of victory. This of course also means that BT1 takes over the dubious honor of the “Soda Can” Award, for getting crushed by 97. Rough day for GM Kirk and Be The One. Both teams sit below .500 at 3-4, but one team is clearly trending in the right direction and one clearly is not.

We are halfway through the season, folks. We mentioned betting before, so I’ll throw it out there for the gambling addicts following the season – start placing playoff bets now, so you can capitalize on the long odds. You’ll look like a genius if you take the short side of a game that looks like last week’s Clemson-Syracuse matchup that had Clemson favored by 46 with a -100,000 money line. A bettor took those odds on a $8,600 wager…on the favorite, meaning he won a whopping $8.60 on his bet. I just know that was one of you, so let’s see those excellent financial decisions moving forward.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, it’s the big decision night.  Blue or not. To go with the cold hard science, or the hoopla.  The one who supports foreign exports, or the national ‘homey’ who never leaves the country. The clear number one, or the popular second choice.  Both of these seem cold yet familiar. I’ve done this so many times before, but each time is like picking between the La Coste sisters and Celene Dion. If I pick one will the other feel jilted?  Could I choose one, and then claim a mulligan and choose the other instead? Are there really any differences?   As I mull this most difficult of decisions, there is no time left.  It’s my turn. I sign in and stand behind the required six feet. Of course, I have my mask on but at the critical moment, as a matter of principle and just because I have to, I will lower it. It’s time.

It’s always a tough choice for Tuesday night dart league whether to drink Labatts Blue or Molson Export.

God’s Country continued the team’s renaissance with a solid win over Council of Steel. The Todd Squad got an ungodly 40 points from WR D.K. Metcalf, who outscored the combined efforts of 6 of the Council.  In the battle of TE kings, Steel’s Travis Kelce easily outscored the broken George Kittle (tough luck there for GCTH), and QB Matt Stafford outscored the GOAT ARod (probably be a few opinions about THAT claim, but what do I know, I’m a Roughriders fan).  But it was not enough, as owner Todd joins a large group with a .500 record and sits one game out of second place.

Rookie owner David of Hair43 continues to show his fantasy chops, and keeps advancing through a challenging midseason by taking out BlahBlahBlah.  The braided boys had pretty pedestrian scores (except for Mahomes’ 35), but not a lot was needed as BBB only put up 109 points. With both owners cheering as the Steelers upset the Ravens, it’s doubtful that the BBB owners’ box had many tears. The Pittsburgh D/ST gave BBB its highest score, and there wasn’t any bench help to be found, so the Blah girls did the best with what they had and will move on to fight another day. It should be noted that in the household battle, the Bees outscored the Council this week, and that made the girls very happy.

Be The One! came into its match with highly ranked Kale Kings fearing another blowout and a lost season.  Trade rumors swirled about whether BT1 would offload talent and plan for next season. Kale Kings was so confident of a win that they didn’t have an active QB on the roster until almost 3PM Sunday, and then added the best available QB starting for a NY team – Daniel Jones.  His 16 points was actually respectable, but the 91 put up by KK was not.  As the only non-triple digit team total of the week, KK couldn’t keep up with BT1 who survived the scare and crawled back to .500, putting him within 1 game of the three 5-3 teams.

While the NHL’s league VP’s sat in the Richmond campaign headquarters and watched the Packers lose to the Vikequeens, one of the two secretly cheered Dalvin Cook’s amazing talents.  He amassed 48 points by running up, down, over and through a hapless defense.  His 48 gave Don’t Stand So Close to Me a chance, with the weeks’ second-best score of 142.  Unfortunately, league-leading NoKe had the week’s best score of 158 with all but one starter turning in double digits. Don’t look now, but NoKe looks like the Brady Bucs, starting at 0-2 and running off 6 straight wins, many in dominant fashion.  The beloved Toronto Maple Leafs have gone 51 years without the cup.  For you Yankees, the NFL Bengals and Jets have been about as futile. Is the NoKe ownership a part of this group or is something different this year?

The final contest pitted the copyright-stealing National Holley League® versus Team Rockme. We had to wait for the recount on this one, as every hanging chad and mail-in point counted.  At the beginning of the season, the league rules committee had instituted the “Cousin-kissing Rule” determining that any tie score was a bad outcome (Side note – kissing your cousin is an acceptable behavior up here, especially when we get the Saskatchewan Vortex, but we hear you Yanks are not so keen on that, except maybe in Alabama. Roll Tide.).  Anyway, the score in this match was 120 points apiece, but the Cousin rule found in favor of Team Rockme.  Application of the rule, and the 43 minute on-field confab with 7 officials to determine the outcome, was way more interesting than the actual play of the teams so we’ll just leave it at that.

We’ve been warned to keep an eye out for illegals hopping the border post-election. The only difference between our approach and yours is that we hand you a goody bag with a prescription coupon, a touque and a can of syrup before we ask you to politely return to whichever Dakota you came from, as opposed to just shooting on sight (except Alberta, that’s our version of Texas…best case scenario there you’ll get lassoed and then dragged back across into Montana). Last week, we had a guy try to swim backwards up the Falls in Niagara, but that was supposedly because he was drunk and wanted to go to the casino. All I know is whatever happens, the NHL is a dictatorship and not a democracy, so I don’t have to worry about our leadership changing.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Several of our favorite fall family activities involve pumpkins and squashes.  My Aunt Gertrude was the pumpkin catapulting champ of Saskatoon for 14 straight years.  She said it was the highlight of her life (and if you met my Uncle Billy, you’d know why). My family would have the wildest story-telling evenings celebrating Great Gourds Day, sitting around and drinking fermented Acorn Squash wine and telling ever-taller tales of Gertrude’s launches and her personal catapult designs. One year, Uncle Billy couldn’t figure what happened to the power takeoff on the John Deere.  Turns out Gertrude took both it and the drive belt for one of her contraptions. She strapped a fold down seat frame from the old Bronco to a leaf blower she got on E-Bay, and tied the takeoff with the belt to a dryer motor rewired to 220.  Tested the whole thing by launching my cousin Billy Jr. about 80 feet into some hay bales in the barn before she would test it on one of her prized pumpkins. After that near-death experience, Billy and brother Bobby would hide out back during testing season and smoke some ‘corn silk’ while listening to The Smashing Pumpkins. It’s the only time of the year Billy Jr. listened to anything other than Rush or Sebastian Bach. That was the year Gertrude launched the 42 pounder the length of the football field (that’s 150 yards for you Yanks). Ah, I reminisce, but it does bring me back to this week’s highlights.

We are definitely getting some separation for the haves and the have nots.  Kale Kings at 6-3 righted the ship and put up the high score this week at 160 over BlahBlahBlah.  What do the girls need to do?  They scored 139 and most weeks that’s more than plenty. Our version of IBM Watson (known as NHL Poindexter) shows BBB with a 92% coach rating.  Nobody knows how this is calculated or what it means, but it sounds damn impressive.  KK had two players over 30 (Murray and Hill) and three more at about 20, AND even left some on the bench with ABCeeDee Lamb.  It was just too much to overcome, and KK wins as a ‘have’.

Another ‘have’ is NoKe.  This week they put up only 115 but it was enough to get over the sleeping giant known at National Holley League®.  If the League had simply subbed out the inactive Josh Jackson with bench choice Christian Kirk, the outcome would have flipped as Kirk was the high scorer for the entire team, but instead he was left to captain the bench.  NoKe had so many personnel moves this week that DraftKings inquired about naming rights to sponsor the team, since they put their grubby little ads on any damn thing.  They did play recently-acquired Noah Fant who provided a modest 8 points, but even that wasn’t needed as NHL didn’t break 100.

Speaking of two teams that had personnel moves that decided their match, Don’t Stand So Close to Me looked genius in that aforementioned trade with NoKe.  The Policemen acquired and started both Jerrick McKinnon and Evan Engram, who together put up 33 against Be The One! The One made several personnel blunders, including the last minute waiver wire pickup of running back “Way Too” Hasty who was put in for Aaron Jones.  What??!! Insanity, you may ask? Hard to address that one.  A questionable sub at the last minute at TE left another 5 points on the bench and playing an injured Michael Thomas didn’t help, with still more points left on the bench.  In the end, one of the co-commissioners looked much smarter than the other.  Looks like you want the Police to help with your next corporate downsizing…then again, maybe not in today’s climate. Both teams are 4-5 and are firmly in the ‘have-not’ class.

Council of Steel got galvanized this week - in fact the Steel household as a whole (Council and BBB) both tied for second-highest mark of the week at 139.  In the case of the Council, it was enough to find the bald spots in Hair43.  Steel had a nice distribution of double digit scores from all starters (kickers don’t count as real starters – kind of like soccer is not a watchable sport). Hair had the usual solid numbers from all-world Mahomes and a nice instinct to start the Giants D/ST against the hapless Washington Football Team (and they say us northerners have uncreative team names).  But the two TE strategy backfired when Gronk reverted to retired form, and Jared Cook looked like he parks next to him at the home.  Congrats to the Council for a great game, but Hair is still a ‘have’ at 5-4.

The last of the four winning franchises is ‘have’ Team Rockme with the win over God’s Country. The Country had been saved a couple of weeks ago by Robert Tonyan’s heroics, but the single point he provided this week doomed GC. It’s possible with the insertion of Jakobi Meyer the match would have been close, but Rockme rode on the shoulders of Davante Adams again and got enough from the rest of the team to claim victory, and move to a solid 6-3 record.

This year’s batch of acorn squash poteet is about to bubble over.  I have been whittling some broken hickory hockey sticks into my holiday gifts.  There’s just nothing like seeing the excitement on the faces of friends when they get their personally carved Trudeau or Gretzky tree ornaments.  I’ll sip some of the still raw poteet, do a little cutting, and call it a night.  Oh, and by the way if you need some help with your counting down there, we’ve got a system with a five bank oligarchy that works real good for our national accounting.  Happy to make the introductions if you like. Just bring some of that cheap gasoline with you, we’ll even trade you for prescriptions.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Breaking news.  Just got a report from NHL chief legal analyst Iman Charge-Now that a near majority of the NHL owners, all with losing records, have filed suit claiming that the four teams with winning records did not actually win those games but have manipulated their win/loss records through chicanery yet to be revealed. Here in the Great White North we had a similar suit filed by the former members of the rock band Triumph, claiming they should have been inducted into the Canadian Hall of Music over Buffy Saint Marie.  It’s all too much.  I just want a little poutine and a regular seat in front of the Hallmark Channel for the new Christmas movies.

Speaking of Halls of Fame, you Yanks voted in your latest GOATs for the Rock and Roll HOF.  Congrats to Nine Inch Nails (a personal fav here with the boys), and T Rex for you old schoolers. Hard to explain how Whitney Houston is R&R.  We give credit to the Queen for spawning Brit early electronic band Depeche Mode (which makes us hungry for ice cream on our apple pie).  We all know that Nine Inch got its Prog Band leanings from Rush, but all good music is derivative. However, the votes didn’t come in for nominees Soundgarden or Motorhead.  Rage Against the Machine and Jane’s Addiction didn’t even make the nominating list. C’mon guys.  We still have a couple of deserving home-grown candidates for your R&R HOF too, including our bowling soundtrack artists featuring Arcade Fire and Broken Sound Scene.  My last comment on this year’s HOF class is a question – who is Ahmet Ertegon and why does he/she have an award named for him/her?  The winner, Jon Landau, is a good enough guy as a former Rolling Stone reporter and Bruce Springsteen’s manager and producer, but could they make this any less obscure?  When I first read about this award I thought it was an anagram for one of the old NHL teams – “It Ertz Wentz Eifert”.  And with that irrelevant thought, let’s review the week.

Sometimes the truth is obvious, even ‘Wentz’ it ‘Ertz’.  Five teams scored more than 124 points.  They won.  Five teams scores less than 112 points.  They lost.  Kale Kings led all scorers rocking a 147.  NoKe looked more like they had King Crimson sponsoring them instead of new titler Draft Kings, putting up a pauper’s 97.  KK was led by Kyler Murray and Stephen “The Notorius” Diggs, although the Bears fronted these animals.  NoKe didn’t have an answer and will try to understand the analytics offered by their sponsor. Both teams are headed for a playoff run.

In a reprise of a match from a few weeks ago in the Steele band house, the BlahBlahBlah girls put up the 125 charting a win over the Council of Steel boys who fell below 100.  True to form the B’s were led by the beloved Steel-ey Dan DST.  The Council, on the other hand, had too many singles and not enough EP’s.  No B players scored 52, and they didn’t need ‘Boston’ Scotts’ bench-riding 17 to avenge the week 5 loss and claim that they are the steely (or Iron) maidens.

National Holley League was smokin’ all the doobies after their opponent God’s Country showed up with a motley crew.  GCTH had Fournette and Metcalf playing 4/4 time while the League posted all over (MC)5. These two teams are now with a large contingent at 4 wins and 6 losses and are fighting for the same respect we all want.

Every hair band wants the Glam Rock stage that T Rex had and Hair43 is no exception. Honoring the police and the command to “don’t stand, don’t stand, Don’t Stand So Close To Me”, Hair43 ran away with this show 132 to 97. R “John Paul” Jones shredded his opponent with 198 total yards for 26 points and the Saints came marching in with 31 more. Unfortunately for the policemen, the single digit score by R. “Ronnie” Wood was typical of the whole program and just wasn’t enough to overcome the hairweave.

Lastly, and appropriately, Knute Rockme squelched the team formerly known as Be The One! effectively ending the three year playoff run of the co-commish.  Although the One did not concede defeat in this game, and reportedly will not concede for at least 3 weeks, it appears that their new name “When You’re Having More Than One sponsored by Shaefer Beer” indicates that they may be focusing on something else. Alvin (Chipmunk) Kamara and J. Jefferson (Airplane) powered the Rockers while hip-hop star Drew Bree-zy and his bad company told the roadies to pack it in.  Rockme’s Mr. Irrelevant Ryan Succop didn’t – he outkicked One’s 16 by Matt Prater.  That’s life, scoring at the NHL’s version of the Mendoza Line.

So guess who’s coming to my turkey feast this year– no one.  But I’m not bitter. This year I’m setting aside the neck and head from the giblets so I can put a mask on that bird. Actually, my buddy and NHL draft analyst L.L. Piper was at my home on wheels yesterday.  We enjoyed some home brewed hard cider and I thought he said our neighbors Bare Naked Ladies would do an NHL closing theme song like they did for Big Bang Theory.  Actually when the haze from our quaffing wore off this morning I learned that he told me that the old grandma next door was parading around in front of her picture window without a stitch on singing the theme song.  That’s how it goes up here.  ‘till next week.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider 

Turducken. TURDUCKEN!  My buddy Hank told me about this south-of-the-border feast item the other day.  A chicken, in a duck, in a turkey, all roasted together. Very hedonistic…I approve.  We have something similar up here called Hunters Moosteerelope Stew – that, of course, is moose, deer and antelope meat in your stew pot. Some might quibble that what we call antelope is actually a pronghorn, but too bad, it’s our animal.  Of course, when Aunt Elsie makes the stew, she puts in a little seal blubber to “smooth out” the sauce, as she says. It’s a trick she learned from her ex-husband back on the rez. I’m sure she adds a little of her “alpine delight” to the mix, and probably some yellow snow too from that old bear dog she’s got. Now, when cousin Ricky makes the stew he always brags about the size of the moose he shot, but we all know he just picks up road kill possum because it’s real chewy and the aroma is nothing like a solid moose stew meat. If I go in the backwoods with Pawpaw we usually get a couple of ‘lopes and a whitetail or two, so there’s enough to make jerky. I’ll tell you what, it ain’t Alberta beef but it’s certainly better than chewing on a pig’s ear. Speaking of pigskin, let’s review the action this week in the National Holley League.

It was another week of “who’s your daddy” for When You’re Having More Than One.  BlahBlahBlah took the One to the woodshed, winning by almost 50 points. All the BBB players had nice contributions, with Cooper Kupp leading the way with 25.  The B’s have slowly accumulated about 80% of the Steelers team, and have smiled the whole time. On the other hand, the One had more QB hard luck as Joe ‘Wheel” Burrow was carted off the turf, and Hayden “Take Me to the Funeral Home” Hurst didn’t even drive by the field. Triple B gets an “A” this week, as they hang on and keep fighting for a playoff spot.

It wasn’t a good week if you changed your team name recently. Knute Rockme thought they would move to the top spot with a new banner, but Don’t Stand So Close Me showed up this week at the protest and sent Rockme home under curfew. For the first time in weeks, the Police showed they have a leader who can put the right personnel on the streets, as they scored 147 and left only 11 on the bench. Robert “Knock On” Woods hammered out 31 and Dalvin Cook-ed up another 26. According to the Bellyash Sports Agency’s Last Gen Stats model, DSSCTM had an efficiency rating of 100%. By the same token, Knute earned a 97% rating (the two highest of the week), but it still resulted in them leaving 64 on the pine. Just because your starters outscore your bench, however, does not guarantee you a victory, and while the Rockme starters did just that, they didn’t do it by quite enough. The Policemen take this one but both teams are still alive.

Hair43 is getting a little thin these days. The Grecian Formula is showing on the scalp and the Rogaine just isn’t doing what it used to. (Side note - did you know that cold-pressed Castor Oil is considered a hair regenerative product? I have some personal experience here and I keep a spare quart around to dump in my Canadian-model Escort hatchback for when it gets really cold. Seems to help the old girl.  Anyway…) Still despite the follicle challenge, Hair parted ways with God’s Country late in the afternoon and came away with a win. Poor GCTH had so many players on bye, that he had to arrange a Zoom call to see them off for the week. We love AP but he’s probably just NC (Nolo contendere) at this point in his career. The subs for God’s Country didn’t bring their Thanksgiving side dishes, or any points either – with just 81 total, God’s Country takes over the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award. Hair is gelling, and stays solidly plastered in playoff contention.

Kale Kings put up another strong showing this week taking out National Holley League®. Historically, the NHL ownership has made a team and/or mascot change at about this point in each of the preceding seasons, to try to divert attention from performance and to improve flagging morale. The NHL taxi squad could have been the expansion franchise this week, as they almost outscored the starters, putting up 109 to 122. It helps when you have 2 QB’s on the bench, even if one is Taysom Hill. It didn’t matter, though, as KK had an excellent score of 149 (3 20’s and 29 from Tyreek Hill, very nice), and stays atop the Keenan.

The best match of the week came from our ‘other’ sponsored team, NoKe, and Council of Steel. It was a tough week to be Council of Steel. The Council put up the second-best score of the week at 154, which would have beaten 8 other teams. The Council had 8 of 9 players in double digits.  Hell, even the kicker got 9 points.  Deshawn “Now I’ll Play Good ‘Cuz the Season’s Gone” Watson had 32, but it wasn’t enough. NoKe, who has made so many personnel moves that they are the #1 client at Indeed.com, had all the players in place to put up 166, and move to a tie with Kale Kings at 8-3 and top the Wayne Division. Congrats to both of these teams on their fine performances this week, and tough luck, GM Jon.

We had our Thanksgiving in October, but we also honor our Yankee neighbors and eat a feast again in November. After all, who doesn’t like a good meal? During the eating I’ll be watching your football because ours got cancelled - it should have been Grey Cup week. The CFL asked Parliament for some pocket change to play in the bubble in Winnipeg, but they said they had better uses for the money. A bunch of huey if you ask me, I think they just want to build a pipeline in Nova Scotia. All we needed was the cost of one Jerry Jones stadium. You Yankee taxpayers pay for NFL stadiums all the time, at least that’s what I told my provincial rep. Didn’t matter – no CFL. Would have been the 67th season. No matter, I’ll just gnaw on my turkey leg and sit in the dark, by myself, and let the dog in and out about 10 times.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

I just got off the phone with NHL Health Director Dr. Mantis Toboggan and boy, did he sled all over our ski hill this week. Dr. Toboggan, out of an abundance of caution, pretty much put us all in solitary igloos, applied the league safety clause known commonly as ‘glacial lockout’, and then froze our ass-ets to be sure we would stay away from each other. But the damage was done, however, especially considering this was the longest week in football history. NHL players had to have their turkey, had to play their ‘Stanley Cup Stardom’ PlayStations, and had to high five, low five and practice their end zone flips in the close presence of their fellow “ejits”. I could see Dr. Toboggan just shaking his little Zoom camera head.  Even up here in the Great White North, the frigid arctic air can’t kill the virus. At this point, I’ve totally given up - last week on C-Bay (Candian Ebay) I bought these little Covid-looking Velcro balls that I can throw and stick to the wall or mirror. I’m going to get that Lulu workout mirror, but me and Gilly are going to hack the software so we can look at each other instead of the buff workout trainer. Then me and Gilly can make faces and throw those Covid balls at each other, kind of virtual dodge ball. I’m think I’m getting a little early ‘home-on-wheels’ fever.

Speaking of throwing balls, hope you didn’t start Drew “Dred” Lock this week.  Or any Denver QB. The stats for all Denver QBs in week 13 included more interceptions (2) than completions (1).  NoKe, in their 100th personnel move this season, acquired the most decorated of the Denver QBs, Kendal Hinton, who had -4 points.  Yes, you read that right. Projected for 3 points, he underperformed by 7. Thus Noke, despite winning their match against Knute Rockme, earns the ““Natas Liah” Drawa (formerly the “Hail Satan” Award, for a performance so bad it send your record spinning backwards.  Upon consultation with NHL historians, it was discovered that that was the worst player score of all time in NHL history, beating the previous record of -3 set in 2017 by the Ravens defense. Furthermore, according to Bellyash Sports Agency, it appears to among the lowest 3 scores for a position player in ALL OF FANTASY FOOTBALL HISTORY. (Ryan Leaf once had -9. Seriously, go Google this one. We’re talking about fantasy with any scoring, on any platform, dating back to the 90’s – this was a historically heinous performance - Will). Please welcome Noke to the NHL Hall of Infamy. Despite Hinton’s efforts, NoKe had solid gold production from the supporting cast led by Derrick Henry’s 37 and James “Smokey” Robinson’s 28.  All Rockme got was a Detroit MoTown funk for the loss.

In another all-time record-breaking game, Blah Blah Blah scored a grand total of 67 points to lose in “Sir Duke” style to God’s Country. The B-girls were embarrassed when their best position player was kicker “Marvin” Gaye with 10 on the grapevine, while no other position player scored more than 8. The Blah clearly was suffering from the Covid benching of Lamar “Michael” Jackson Five.  On the other hand, God’s Country said “Lets Get It On” and put up 146 on the Bs.  This was one of the Country’s best games of the year and quite a turn- around from last week’s 81.  Last week the B’s had 146.  Who knows what’s going on. Blah Blah Blah, of course, takes home the Little Sisters of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award.

Leading another paragraph with a loser, One is the Loneliest Number (formerly “When You’re Having More than One”) (more formerly “Be the One”) pitifully lived up to their newest moniker losing by more than 50 points to Council of Steel. One got less than that from Todd “Hurley” Gurley-man (0 points) and One’s best player, Will Fuller, was left on the bench with 35.  Fuller celebrated his great game by chewing on some magic mushrooms – not yet legal in Texas- and getting suspended by the aforementioned Dr. Toboggan for the rest of the season. The Council was dancing in the streets with a supreme team effort, totaling 160 points, including 26 by the Washington Football Team DST over the Allas Cowgirls (because, once again, they ain’t go no D).

Loser four this week is co-commish/owner Don’t Stand So Close to Me. In his quest for a playoff spot, and his new mantra “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, the match with Kale Kings was close. GM Daniel has been king consistent all season, though, and his 140 was more than enough to sit down the Police.  The match would have gone the other way to the Police, if not for the crazy great play of Tyreek The Freak, who had 57 points. That score wins the “You Got Rocked Award”, and is the 2nd best all time by a single player in NHL history.

Keeping in format, the best match of the week pitted low-scorer and trademark-stealing National Holley League® against Hair “Weave” 43.  The Nationals were right there, until TE Jonnu Smith zeroed out. RB “Althea” Gibson was a great start, exceeding projections by 23 points but WR Tyler Lockett disappointed in the late game with only 5. The NHL put up 141, but needed that and a miracle.  Hair got more at 151 with balanced scoring in the win, and teased out the afro to celebrate.

So this was a week of all time NHL and Covid highs and lows. Dr. Toboggan reminds us that our NHL concerns are first world problems and that a healthy family is more important than a waiver wire pickup. Speaking of pickups, I recently met this nice lady on the internet. Her name is Lustiana. She’s from “a friendly Baltic state”.  She’s a recent graduate from University (not sure which one) and adores Canadians and loves ice fishing.  What more could a guy want?.  She just needs me to send her a MoneyGram for plane fare and “the exit tax” and she will fly over next week.  Could make the winter a little warmer – don’t you think?  I’ll let you know how that goes. The only thing keeping my mind off it is that the NHL playoffs have been mathematically decided – Kale Kings and Hair43, with their wins, will represent the Keenan division, and NoKe goes for the Wayne. Knute Rockme still hasn’t technically clinched, but with the other three teams in the division mathematically eliminated, that one is all sewn up. Congrats to those who made the show.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

It’s our 13th week.  Like the Ides of March, all Hallows’ Eve and the US Presidential election, the 13th week of the NHL season brings delusional spookiness, but not many surprises. If you have taken the bad advice of a soothsayer like Casius, or listened to much to Tony Romo on a broadcast, you may have been waywardly steered into believing that you are a good fantasy decision maker who merely had “bad luck” last week or this season.  Trust me, in the words of the cuddly coach Bill Parcells “You are what your record says you are.”  Probably your mom told you something to that effect when you were maybe 12, or maybe 23 when you had your first really big screw up in life. However, don’t despair, there’s always the chance to ‘turn the corner’ or ‘gain some momentum’ or ‘put a better face on it’ for these last three weeks.  For those going to the playoffs, congratulations (but the rest of the owners don’t really mean it).  For those of you not going to the playoffs, there’s the opportunity to play for the consolation prize without the competition from those four dirty, cheating, thieving owners.  For those who do not care at all anymore about this season, my neighbor Nanuuk tells me “there are 34 words in Inuit for snow but only one word for yellow snow – “yuuucck”.

Speaking of yellow snow, did you see that One posted a ‘yellow snow’ score, and NoKe doubled them up?  One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (formerly One is the Loneliest Number)(more formerly When You’re Having More than One)(more formerly Be the One!) must have put yellow snow on the dinner training table as his guys got a grand total of 95, compared to NoKe’s 121.  The One Man Band kept true to form, getting plenty of players in the 3’s, 2’s and 1’s. Even the One’s bench nearly doubled up the total score of the starters. NoKe had solid, if uninspired, efforts across the board and defeated the Band at every position except kicker. The performance by the One earns the team the Little Sisters of The Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” award (still presented by Hefty brand trash bags) for lack of offensive output.

In a battle of two 4-win teams, the National Holley League prevailed over Council of Steel 122-113. The best performance on this undercard was the League’s WR Corey Davis, with 35 points. Running backs have separated the playoff teams from the pretenders this year, and this match illustrated the issue with the League getting only 1 point from RB Antonio Gibson, but the Council getting 0 points from starter RB Frank Gore. It’s been up and down for both of these teams the last few weeks, and we expect more of the same going forward.

Hair43 showed its (mutton)chops this week trimming the greens by taking out league-leading Kale Kings.  Hair had balance throughout the lineup with nearly all starters in double figures. KK was hamstrung by TE Jimmy Graham(cracker)’s zilch and leaving WR Jamison “Clam” Chowder’s 21 on the bench.  However, both of these teams are good and this could easily be a preview of the championship game, but with no one in the stands to watch. Bummer.

In a matchup of two 5-win teams, God’s Country outscored Don’t Stand So Close to Me.  The Don’ts didn’t again, with the aforementioned issue of “If I only had two decent running backs” as RB J. McKisn’t didn’t score anything.  God’s Country has lived and died with the ageless A.P. this year, and this week his 17 looked pretty good. God’s Country has had several strong outings on the back half of the season, and could be “turning the corner” going into the offseason.  In the scramble for saving family face, the Don’ts lead the co-commishioner’s race by one game at the bottom of the league, not that anyone cares.

The highest scoring match of the week, and the closest, was between Knute Rockme and BlahBlahBlah.  Rockme is a playoff team, but is limping in, having lost their previous two before this contest. Rockme needed every point his Baltimore DST could squeeze out to get by the impressive 150 points put up by Triple B.  The B’s stayed competitive by getting an amazing 45 points from a TE not named Kelce, and an equally stunning 32 points from a QB not named Mahomes. Not to be outdone, Rockme had the best receiver in the league, Davante Adams, contribute 34 points, and a patriotic 27 from WR Justin  Jefferson. Like God’s Country and the Council, BlahBlahBlah has had some really strong flashes this year and is “gaining some momentum” going into the new year. That said, Knute Rockme, with the original vintage name, takes the W with a 1 point win.

That’s all I have for you good readers. My neighbor Nanuuk was pleased to learn that one of the NHL owners appears to have sponsorship from Arctic interests.  He told me over the fence this morning that last night’s 15 below was cause for a three-dog-night with his flea-bitten warren of mongrels.  He wanted me to pass along to the co-commissioner that any team sponsored by ‘three dog night’ would be a welcome friend in the frigid north, and everything he had was “sharable”.  Not sure if you’d want to share anything in Nanuuk’s house (including Mrs. Nanuuk), but it sure seems like a generous offer.  It’s been mighty cold lately.  Maybe I should get a sponsorhip….Just saying. Red Bull, BWT, DraftKings, seems like they’re just handing out money these days.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

The usual teams won.  The rest lost.  That pretty much sums up the end of the regular season of the National Holley League.  In lieu of the usual recap, and in anticipation of our end of year awards, I have thoughtfully attached an article from our premium service, BSPN Gold, as an early Christmas present. I would like to remind you that our service can be acquired for the low price of 4 payments per month of CAD$6.99. This week, I asked my colleague L.L. Piper to review and rank the top owner draft classes, the rookie players and owners, and offer any other witticisms he could. This is usually a ‘start-of-the-season’ activity, but is actually more useful after seeing who is injured and who performs.

Congrats NHL owners on getting through the Covid season, and completing all your games without going to the Saskatoon bubble.  We reviewed and ranked the top drafts this year and looked at the rookies. On draft day there were several powerful rosters, but injuries devasted some teams.  We ranked the teams that were able to keep players on the field.  Special thanks go to Scottish contributors Robert McGuffin and Sparks McFarm, who co-author the report “Big McMac Attack”, that provides player evaluations for the NFL draft and also specializes on in-depth analysis of the Mid-American Conference (MAC), which they highly overrate and emphasize in all their work.  Bobby and Sparks spent many evenings sipping Laphroaig and munching on sheepburgers sorting the technical data.  Here’s our take on their work:

Best Draft classes

1.       Kale Kings - Grade A-. The green monsters have 7 players ranked in the top 6 of their positions and 6 were drafted.  They somehow got Tyreek Hill, Zeke Elliott, Kyler Murray, and Stefon Diggs.  The bottom half of the draft was equally strong. They drafted at least 7 players still starting.  This is why they are at the top of the league

2.       Knute Rockme - Grade B+.   The rockers have 6 players ranked in the top 6 on the roster and drafted 4 of those.  This team had an excellent first three picks drafting in order Alvin Kamara (ranked 1 in position), Devante Adams (2) and Kenyan Drake (16). Kamara and Drake have since been traded to NoKe. Rockme get bonus MAC credits for having Matt Prater (Central Florida) on the roster and for drafting the now injured Julian Edleman (Kent).

3.       God’s Country – Grade B.  This placement may surprise some, but GCTH has 4 players ranked in the top 6, with 3 of those drafted. They also drafted Lamar Jackson and George Kittle, whose season-ending injury harmed the GCTH season

4.       Hair43 – Grade B. The Weave has 6 solid starters that they drafted, including the best late round rookie pick Chase Claypool (since cut).  They win the Big MAC award for having Kareem Hunt (Toledo) on the roster and, until recently, Antonio Brown (Central Mich).

5.       Honorable Mention – Council of Steel. The ironworkers drafted the best MAC player of all time – Ben Roethlisberger (Miami of Ohio) (although some would argue it’s Jack Lambert…)

6.       Second Honorable Mention - NoKe – The No’s have 5 players ranked in the top 6 on their roster, of which they drafted just 1.  The others have been traded for, or acquired on waivers. Which shows that you don’t have to keep what you pick.

Best Rookie Players drafted

1.       NoKe. Drafted RB Antonio Gibson (7) and then traded him to NHL

2.       NHL. Drafted QB Justin Hebert (7)

3.       Hair43. Drafted Clyde Edwards-Helaire (15)

4.       Council of Steel. Drafted RB Jonathan Taylor (18)

Best Rookies on Current Roster

1.       NoKe. Claimed RB James Robinson (4).  Best pick-up of the year, in our opinion.

2.       Rockme. Claimed WR Justin Jefferson (7), claimed WR Chase Claypool (22)

Rookie Owners – The playoffs will tell the final story but for the regular season -

1.       Kale Kings/Hair43 – These two rookie owners tied for the best win/loss records in the league at 10-4, and split their two seasonal matchups.  An argument could be made that they were the best and most successful owners for the entire league. Both were excellent managers and both made savvy waiver moves during the year. Hair43 gets a slight edge for having an excellent fantasy football name.  Kale Kings does get credit for keeping the KK logo of the dancing Kale leaf.

Thanks to my pal L.L. Piper for pulling that together, and boring us with a lot of irrelevant and non-actionable information this holiday season. As you may know, all the All-Star college games are being cancelled so we may need to rely on the eyeballs and opinions of folks like L.L., Bobby and Sparks to tell us who the breakout stars might be next year.  I’m sure they’ll be looking to glean info from friendly corn hole competitions and Acapulco/winter break jello shot contests among the college elite.

Congratulations to the four playoff teams – Kale Kings, Hair43, NoKe brought to you by Draft Kings and Knute Rockme.  They will play in a bracket for the next two weeks to place for the prizes $200, $100, $80, $70.   The other six teams play for a $50 consolation prize awarded to one of those six teams with the highest combined score for the next two weeks.  Good luck to all.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, I learned my lesson the hard way. With the news that all you Yanks are getting another 600 dollar check, I can’t give you any more freebie articles like last week! Now you all can afford our premium service, BSPN Gold, which is available for a special holiday price of just 4 payments per month of just  CAD$6.99 each. It makes a great gift for that friend, family member or coworker who you know is the perfect combination of sports-obsessed, nouveau riche, and completely lacking in taste or independent thought. Not only will they get my weekly “Sweep For Me Saturdays” curling column, they’ll also get exclusive content like QMJHL player breakdowns, additional articles from BSPN personalities like L.L. Piper, and fantasy tips and news for every sport you didn’t know there was a fantasy league for (looking at you, NASCAR Pinty’s Series fantasy team owners*). Put a little holiday cheer in someone’s inbox, and line my pockets a little more so I can at least afford to pour a little more for my holiday Cheers.

With the first week of the playoffs done and dusted, let’s start with the race to the bottom fight for first overall draft pick best of the rest. With 50 bucks on the line, it’s the combined score from weeks 15 and 16 that qualify these teams for a modest prize, regardless of win/loss in their matchups. Let’s start with the bottom –

#6 – God’s Country, 99. The Todd Squad had a pair of 19’s from the pass-catchers and 18 from 9-time Pro Bowler Aaron Rodgers, but that was about it. This team needs a Christmas miracle to take home some cash.

#5 – BlahBlahBlah, 110. GCTH’s opponent, Triple B relied heavily on TE Darren Waller’s 30-point outing to bolster their total score this week.

#4 – Council of Steel, 118. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Our defending champ finds himself not only unable to defend in 2020, but also unable to start a full roster, as WR Devante Parker was a no-show due to injury. TE Travis Kelce (22) and QB Deshaun Watson (26) had nice outings, though.

#3 – One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night, 136. With what is the longest team name in NHL history, OMBsbTDG posted a respectable number, with newly acquired QB Tom Brady leading the scoring with 25 and RB Aaron Jones posting 24.

#2 – Don’t Stand So Close To Me, 169. With what should have been the winning number this week, the Policemen showed up in force, with three 20+ point performances and 40 from QB Josh Allen. WR Keelan Cole let the side down again with just 4, and probably is going to find himself in both NFL and NHL fantasy free agency come Week 17.

#1 – National Holley League®, 191. A barn-burning score – where was this all year? – with 21 (WR Corey Davis), 23 (TE Logan Thomas), 28 (QB Justin Herbert, surprise there), 31 (WR Deandre Hopkins) and 32 (RB Tony Pollard, another surprise). With a 28-point lead over second, and a 98-point deficit to last, NHL looks to be in a commanding lead in the loser’s bracket.

In the actual playoff matchups, we start with the 3/2 game. Kale Kings and Hair43 fought to represent the Keenan Division in The Big Game At The End. Kale Kings opened the scoring up early, with QB Kyler Murray leading the way with an impressive 35. RB Melvin Gordon and WR Stefon Diggs were no slouches either, posting 24 and 25 respectively. With 137 on the board, Kale Kings looked to have it sewn up, but made a crucial mistake by starting the injured Ezekiel Elliott. With only 8 starters, this left the door open for Hair43. WR Calvin Ridley hung 32, while QB Patrick Mahomes added 25 and WR Brandon Aiyuk contributed 22. It looked promising, but the rushing attack combined for just 15 points, and Hair43 comes up just short. Kale Kings advances to the main show next week, and hopefully they bring 9 players this time.

The 1/4 game was much more intriguing. Underdog Knute Rockme faced off against NoKe, brought to you by Draft Kings. This one almost looked like a contest to see who wanted to lose, rather than to see who wanted to win the Wayne Division title. Rockme had a pair of 18’s from Baltimore and WR Justin Jefferson, and a solid 24 from RB Derrick Henry; NoKe had 18 from RB Alvin Kamara, 28 from RB David Montgomery, and that was about it. In the end, both teams scored 113 – a score that 66% of our loser’s bracket managed to eclipse, I might add. With the tie in a playoff game, it goes directly to tiebreaker, giving the game to NoKe based on total TD’s, 5 TD’s to 3. They can take the week to celebrate their Duke of Sealand Cup, but they need to be on their A game next week if they want to take home the Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year.

Until then, happy holidays!

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

*Yes, fantasy NASCAR is a very real thing. Yes, a current GM in this league has participated in it before. No, it wasn’t Grant. Yes, it’s probably the worst fantasy sport there is – it makes fantasy hockey look  normal by comparison, and makes basketball, baseball and football look totally pedestrian. I’m holding out for next year when they start up a fantasy polo or a fantasy sepak tekraw league.

Well, another great year of NHL fantasy football has come to an end. Sorry, did I say great? It’s no surprise that this year sucked more than a pool drain in a leafy backyard, you know that by now. We did manage to fight our way through a bizarre 2020 fantasy campaign, and as NHL tradition, we sod off a week early after the 16th matchup of the season and crown our champ before the year is out. Well, it’s the 31st of December, and the trophy is still sitting in the league office in the Saskatoon bubble. It’s high time we dole out some hardware and wrap up this unique season.

Like last week, let’s start off with the loser’s ladder, and take a look at our bottom 6 teams that didn’t make the playoff cut. Of course, those teams are all in their own 1v5 game to see who can accumulate the most points, so let’s run it bottom to top.

#6 – God’s Country – 2 week total of 186. The lowest-scoring team for both weeks of the aggregate scoring challenge, God’s Country unfortunately finished the year with a whimper. A team with only 8 healthy starters (thanks, Covid) really hamstrung the effort. GM Todd can take some solace, however – QB Aaron Rodgers was good for 24, and the team’s regular-season exploits were good enough to finish in 6th place for the year, a big improvement over seasons past.

#5 – Council of Steel – 237. I said it last week and I’ll say it again…oh, how the mighty have fallen. The injury bug also came and bit this squad in Week 16, as WR Davante Parker was a no-show due to a hamstring and K Robbie Gould was absent before landing on the COVID list, leading the Council to only sit 7 at the big boardroom table. Those that showed up performed well, however, especially TE Travis Kelce with 22 and QB Deshaun Watson with 28.

#4 – BlahBlahBlah – 256. Once again, the Stehles find themselves together in the standings. The Steeler D, Duke Johnson and Derek Carr all gave a big effort, but it just wasn’t enough to get Triple B back into title contention. With the goofy nature of the season, BBB’s regular season efforts at 6-8 were actually pretty respectable, with the team’s placement at #7 only coming on a 3-way tiebreak.

#3 – Don’t Stand So Close To Me, 285. This team looked to be the only one poised to challenge for the consolation prize after last week, but, alas, like GM Will’s first (and probably second) stimulus check, it never came to be. QB Josh Allen posted 31, but that was the only bright spot in this otherwise hodgepodge lineup. This team is going to need a major restructure for next year after a poor 2020 campaign.

#2 – National Holley League® - 289. NHL had a commanding lead going into the second week of the scoring challenge, but they scored the second-fewest points in Week 16, leaving the door open. With no player eclipsing 18 points, three starters had scores of 7, 2, and 0, leaving NHL below the fantasy Mendoza line of 100 points. Truly a disappointment for GM Grant.

#1 – One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night – 304. Call it collusion, call it corruption, but GM Kirk, who is also the league treasurer, among other things, takes home a cash prize for his efforts over the last two weeks. Starting from 3rd place, OMBsbTDG led the scoring chart with 168 in Week 16, giving him his impressive total. Surprise QB starter Jalen Hurts had 22, RB David Johnson had 28, and WR Mike Evans had 40 on the way to an impressive victory in the loser’s bracket.

Moving on to our actual matchups, we start out with the fight for the bronze medal, as Knute Rockme took on Hair43 in the 3rd-place game. This one came down to the wire, but in the end, consistency was the name of the game. For Knute Rockme, the Ravens and Matt Ryan were key contributors, factoring on both sides of the ball. The real star of the show, however, was WR Davante Adams, whose 3-TD day (playing in the snow, I might add) was good for 43 points. It was all up to Hair43 to answer the call, who saw 4 single-digit scores staring at him from across the scoring column. This was their opportunity, and despite and injury to Brandon Ayuik, The Follicle Force put down three 19’s from Mahomes, Gio and Gronk, and added a 33 from RB Myles Gaskin. In the end, that was the killing blow, as 43 wins by a hair (hah!), 149-140, taking home 3rd place.

Okay, the moment we all dream of. Playing in the Big Championship Game At The End. We couldn’t have had two more polar opposites in the final – a young upstart, taking the helm of a team steeped in tradition (but not in winning), adding to a legacy, facing off against an original league franchise, who once had been called the Bridesmaids No More, so named for having gotten to this point before, tasted the sweet success of victory, only to have it be ripped away from them in an instant. The Kale Kings certainly had the stronger lineup, made evident by the 126 points scored on the bench. For KK, however, that was the problem – those points remained on the bench and not in the lineup. Aside from WR Stefon Diggs’ 41-point effort, no other starter broke the 20-point mark, while 4 20-point performances were left to ride the pine for Kale Kings. On the other side of the field, it was again the opposite – NoKe had been bit by the injury bug hard and had basically nothing left in reserve, with 1 player on IR and 3 more out. In the end, it didn’t matter, as WR Adam Thielen hung 23 and RB Alvin Kamara posted a fearsome 55 on Christmas Day. This was enough to give NoKe (sponsored by DraftKings) the edge, and the team once named in honor of the bridesmaid instead gets to take home the Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year Award.

Friends, that’s going to do it for me. I’ve had about all I can take this year. If you need me, I’ll be in my trailer, freezing to death. The whole closed border situation means that I can’t drag my house down to my usual snowbird parking spot, so it’s another frozen winter here in Regina. Saskatchewan isn’t exactly known for its balmy climate, so I’ve got all my wood chopped for the stove (the company cut the gas off) and plenty of booze and extra layers to keep me warm. It might sound cozy, but don’t come over – I’m not taking any visitors until the Kung Flu is well and truly gone. Until then, I’ll keep an eye out from afar, and hopefully the league will have me back next year to provide them with pithy remarks.

Have a safe and happy 2021.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider