2020

Off-season Summary

• A strange illness sweeps the land, causing massive logistical and health-related challenges globally. The source is alleged to have come from the consumption of improperly cooked animals purchased at a Chinese "wet market", namely, a guy eating a bat. The illness is given the designation COVID-19.

• GM Hoyt sells his franchise and departs the league. We wish him well in his future endeavors.

• GM Polly sells her franchise and departs the league. We wish her well in her future endeavors.

• You Betcha is renamed to One Man Band, and then renamed again to One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night.

• XFL Hype Train is renamed to Don't Stand So Close To Me.

• Watermelon In Easter Hay is renamed to National Holley League (R). 

• Team Rockme is renamed to Knute Rockme.

• 2XRU is renamed to NoKe, and then renamed again to NoKe brought to you by Draft Kings.

• Dan buys the former Kale Kings franchise and becomes the GM. The Kale Kings name is retained.

• David buys the former Fork Tender franchise and becomes the GM. The team is renamed to Hair43.

• Due to ongoing issues with the quality of the ESPN service, the entire league is moved over to the Fleaflicker service.

• Due to the ongoing health issues with, y'know, the whole planet, the league establishes a temporary conditional IR, only for use of players with COVID-19 related designations. 

• Due to those health-related issues as previously mentioned, the NFL is forced to frequently reschedule games throughout the season, leading to unusual lengths of fantasy matchups as at least one real-life football game is played on each of the seven days of the week at some point during the season. 

• The "Hail Satan" Award is renamed to The “Natas Liah” Drawa.

2020 Awards

Stat-Based Awards

Commissioner’s Championship Award For The Best Team This Year – our 2020 champ, NoKe brought to you by Draft Kings (Nolan and Keith).

The Bridesmaid Award – given to the owner that comes in second. This year’s winner, Kale Kings (Daniel).

The Duke Of Sealand Cup – originally gifted to the league founders in recognition of their services to the great country of Sealand by Duke Harold himself, two cups are given each year to the champions of the Wayne and Keenan Divisions. Winners – NoKe and Kale Kings (no surprise there).

The “Dude, Come On” Award – so named to hopefully encourage the recipient to step up their game from the season’s last-place finish. Sad Winner – One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk).

The Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award – named in honor of the Troy State basketball team that once beat a team from DeVry University 252-147 (yes, that DeVry, and yes, that was the score), this is awarded to the team with the highest single game score all year. Winner – tie, between BlahBlahBlah (Steph) in Week 2 and National Holley League® (Grant) in Week 7, both scoring 203 points.

The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award presented by Hefty™ brand trash bags – Conversely, this award is presented to the owner whose team puts up the lowest single game score in the season. Sad Winner - One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk), with 59 points in Week 13.

The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award – Like the namesakes, this is given to the owner whose team wins by the largest margin of victory, to the point where it was probably unnecessary. Winner – National Holley League® (Grant), who beat One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk) in Week 7 by a score of 203-110, a 97-point gap.

The “Soda Can” Award – Given to the owner who was crushed the worst, suffering the largest margin of defeat. Sometimes, it’s a different game. Not this year. Sad Winner - One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk), who lost by 97 in the above listed game.

The Mike Krzyzewski “Cupcake Schedule” Award – awarded to the owner with the fewest points scored against them this season. Winner – Hair43 (David), with just 1658 points scored against.

The John Shaft Memorial “You Know What You Got” Award – the opposite, this award is given to the owner who had the hardest schedule, measured by the most points scored against them this season. Sad Winner – Don’t Stand So Close To Me (Will), 1876 points against. No wonder I finished near the bottom.

The Brady-Crosby-Curry “Oh, Of Course He Did” – given to the owner that led the league in scoring for the season. The award is so named since they probably also won a lot, like the namesakes. Winner – NoKe (Keith and Nolan), with 1915 points, the only team over 1900.

The America Online “You’ve Got Mail” Award – given to the owner that mailed it in the most this year, scoring the fewest points for the season. Sad Winner - One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk), with just 1609.

The Moneyball Award – Awarded to the owner that makes the most roster moves in a season. Typically, the old ESPN site would count this, but the new one does not, and I can’t be bothered to do it. There is a transaction log, and NoKe (Keith and Nolan) had a 16-page transaction log, at least 3 more than anyone else, so they win again this year. NoKe also led the league in trades this year, with 5. (Other trade numbers: Will – 4, Grant – 3, Mark – 1, Kirk – 1)

The “You Got Rocked” Award – Named in honor of the People’s Champ, this award is given to the owner who has a player with the highest individual score all year. Winner – Kale Kings (Daniel), WR Tyreek Hill, 57 points, Week 12.

The “Natas Liah” Drawa – As if the whole “play the record backwards to hear a message from the devil” thing wasn’t confusing enough, we also named the award backwards to illustrate the point of the old Hail Satan Award. This is awarded to the team with the player that scored them the most negative points, making the score go backwards. Sad Winner – NoKe (Nolan and Keith), WR/QB Kendall Hinton, -4 points, Week 12. (This score ties a league record.)

Subjective Awards

The Grant Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award  - named in honor of our very own Grant, in memory of his 2014 draft decision to pick K Chandler Katanzaro with the 3rd overall pick in the draft, this award is given in Week 1 to the owner who makes the most questionable draft day decision. Sad Winner  - God’s Country (Todd), for drafting RB Davonta Freeman, who at the time was an NFL free agent. To be fair, this actually turned out to be a pretty smart move, but everyone’s draft was pretty good and we didn’t have a lot to go on this year.

The Metta World Peace/Chad Ochocinco Memorial Award – given to the owner with the best team name, as decided on by a panel of experts (me and Kirk). Winner – Hair43 (David). A classic fantasy team name, helped with the good logo image tie-in that incorporated a real-life fandom. Honorable Mention – National Holley League® (Grant) for using legal trickery to license the league name for his own purposes.

The Brandon Weeden Memorial Rookie Of The Year Award – given to the best performing first-time fantasy owner. Winner – Hair43 (David), our only true rookie this year. An awesome first year playing, especially being able to contend for the championship! Honorable Mention – Kale Kings (Daniel), who has prior experience but was technically an NHL rookie.

The Avery-Suh Memorial Sportsmanship Award – usually given to the owner that does the shiesty-est thing during the season. Once again, we really didn’t have a whole lot of trickery going on this year, so we don’t have a lot to go on. The only truly questionable thing that went on this year was a semi-botched trade between NHL and this year’s Sad Winner, Don’t Stand So Close To Me (Will). Agreeing on a trade in Week 4 of RB Nick Chubb for WR Keenan Allen, both owners decided to put off the player exchange until the conclusion of that week’s game. Of course, Chubb went on IR due to injury, but the trade went through, despite Will having commish powers to cancel the trade, as was probably fair. Instead, Grant was forced to burn a bench spot for several weeks. Kind of a dick move on my part, so I win it this year.

The Ernest Shackleton Memorial “Spirit of the NHL” Award – given to the owner that truly embodies the sprit of the league, as the commissioners envisioned it. Winner – God’s Country (Todd). Every year, Todd shows up, tries to learn, puts in a ton of effort, actively manages his team, and….loses. That said, every year, he gets a little better. This year was his best result, and we really applaud his efforts. We hope next year is the year he fights his way into the playoffs – lord knows he deserves it.

Weekly Articles

Wrap-Up / Year In Review

Greetings NHL GM’s!

First off, happy Week 17. You know what that means – no more fantasy. That’s right, kick back, relax, and enjoy the games without the specter of fantasy football scores hanging over your head. That also means it’s time for my annual big-ass end of the year email, where we handle some outstanding league business, give out some awards, and announce the winners of the prize money, in case you somehow can’t do math or reading on your own. It's long as hell, sorry. Please read the whole thing. Maybe get a snack or something to drink.

To start, housekeeping. As of right now, we expect 2021 to be a more normal year with a more normal season. Obviously, we’ll evaluate that as we go, but that’s the hope. We expect to start a normal season at a normal time of the year, and as such, we are treating the league like normal. That means we currently plan on having 1 keeper (had to be on your roster by or before Week 16, no sneaky pickups) and Kirk and I will revisit the scoring and tweak it if necessary going in to next season. Otherwise, no major league news.

Second, placements and prize money. Let’s start with the boring ones.

10th – One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk). 9th – Council of Steel (Jon). 8th – Don’t Stand So Close To Me (Will). 7th – BlahBlahBlah (Stephanie). 6th – God’s Country (Todd). 5th – National Holley League® - Grant.

Now, the paying positions. In 4th, we have Knute Rockme (Mark), who claims the $70 dollar prize. Also, you have an unclaimed door prize from last year – refer to last year’s season summary email if you have any questions, and let Kirk know to make it an even hundo.

3rd place – Hair43 (David). An impressive showing by a fantasy rookie, David takes home the $80 prize for the bronze step on the podium.

2nd place – Kale Kings (Daniel). Another league newcomer, Daniel takes home a Benji (that’s $100, for those that live outside of “the hood”) for his impressive performance.

Big winner – NoKe brought to you by Draft Kings (Nolan and Keith). I only assume each of them gets a hundred bucks, since the prize for winning it all is $200. Congrats to them, they’ve wanted it for a long time.

Sneaky winner – One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk), who wins 50 dollars for his 2-week scoring challenge performance.

Winners, congrats! Kirk will take your $50 league fee for next year out of your winnings and roll it forward, or, if you want the full amount now, we can make that happen too. Either way, payments will be coming to you soon, faster than the government can get money into your account.

Third and finally, the awards. As you all know, this is my pet project, and it’s something I get a lot out of. I enjoy it, and I enjoy sharing my thoughts with all of you when it comes to it. As always, the awards are split into two categories – stats-based, based off hard numbers, and subjective, which is just random shit I hand out because I think it’s funny.

There you go, that’s it. That’s the season. I had a lot of fun playing with everyone this year, and I know I speak for Kirk as well when I say I hope everyone returns for next year. I hope you all have a safe and happy 2021, and we’ll see you all next fall.

 As always, below is the weekly recap from our own in-house journo, BSPN’s Atom Shuffler.

Stay safe,

Will

Summarize the year as an independant observer 

Final Standings

1. NoKe brought to you by Draft Kings (Keith/Nolan)

2. Kale Kings (Daniel)

3. Hair43 (David)

4. Knute Rockme (Mark)

5. National Holley League(R) (Laine)

6. God's Country (Todd)

7. BlahBlahBlah (Steph)

8. Don't Stand So Close To Me (Will)

9. Council Of Steel (Jon)

10. One Man Band sponsored by Three Dog Night (Kirk)