2024

Boy howdy, did I have an offseason to forget. Some of you may remember my end of the year escapades that saw me try to get an early start on my snowbirding, and I signed off with the hope that I could soak up a few rays before returning to Sasketchewan to settle my winter affairs. Those dreams were in fact realized, but perhaps not in the way I was thinking. I was able to stay in a warmer climate than back home for a few months, but I did so as a guest of the United States Government in a place I’d read about once in a John Grisham novel. After an unceremonious and swift departure on board a windowless passenger jet, I was released from the clink, back on home soil just in time to catch the last few nights of the Olympics and clear away the overgrowth around my wheeled abode. Thankfully, Cousin Ricky checked my mailbox every few days and made sure nothing major happened while I was indisposed, so I was able to get right back into the swing of things. Hopefully I can return to sunnier shores come wintertime, but that’s a problem for January Atom. 

As always with my first article of the year, we have to start off with a brief recap of the draft. This year saw the first ever instance of a franchise conducting their draft operations from an offshore war room outside of North America, as NoKe (citing security concerns stemming from Harbaugh-esque spying as well as Ukranian drone operations) decided to conduct their decisions from their new expansion facility in Luxembourg. The NHL, like many other leagues, sees the value in international expansion, and with this franchise being the first to establish a foreign base of operations, they think they might have a leg up on the league by being able to scout out previously unknown talent. Despite the EU’s internet restrictions and regulations, it was actually some of our still domestically-based franchises that hit hurdles on draft night, with personnel decisions pushed well past the 11th hour deadline and technical difficulties causing some stoppages in play. With those issues sorted, the league as a whole still turned in a tidy performance on draft night. An initial delay gave those in attendance additional opportunities to pelt Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman with rotten fruit, giving them great joy, but despite that, according to the Bellyash Sports Bureau, the 2024 NHL draft was still the fastest ever from scheduled start to time of completion. There were only one or two standout oddball picks, which I would be remiss not to mention. God’s Country was the first to break into the kicker position in Round 6, but with technical issues at hand we’re not sure that was an intentional decision. What certainly was, however, was the newly christened Pack Rat Spider Banana jumping on the train and selecting Justin Tucker in the 7th round. GC also broke open the D/ST pack in the 7th with Philly, before BlahBlahBlah followed suit in the 8th with Baltimore as well as the newly acquired Hillbilly Blitz with San Fran, presumably in an attempt to fill out all lineup positions before actually addressing the season-long needs of the team. In a new twist on the old classic, I’d like to actually wait the whole season out on this one before I dole out the “Are You Sure About That” Draft Award, so check back in at the end of the season after the fan votes are tallied to see who takes home the ignominious prize for most questionable draft pick of the year.

With the draft out of the way just a few days before kickoff, the lineups were set and the 2024 NHL season was ready to get moving with Week 1 divisional action in the Keenan and the Wayne. Some teams saw fit to display completely new branding, some just had a few tweaks to the tried and true, and one franchise saw a completely new owner move in to run the show, so without any more waffling, let’s start things off with the Wayne matchups. 

The tightest matchup of the week saw the newly christened Pack Rat Spider Banana hosting BlahBlahBlah. The Pack Rats were interested in a lot more than Uncle Danny’s cheese (there’s a deep Shane Gillis cut for the uninitiated), and proved it with some 30-plus outings from RB Saquon Barkley (33) and WR Jayden Reed (32). The playcalling might have gotten a bit too complex for the likes of Dak Prescott, Amari Cooper, and Mark Andrews, however, as they got a little lost in the shuffle. For the B’s, QB Josh Allen impressed with 30 points, but did so at the cost of his hand, picking up an injury tag late and heading in to a short week off. The injury bug wasn’t done with the B’s lineup, as franchise cornerstone RB Christian McCaffery was a late scratch and couldn’t go. WR Cooper Kupp tried valiantly to fill the void with a 32-point effort, but in the end, it just wasn’t quite enough as the Pack Rats squeaked away with a 126-122 victory. Certainly not the most convincing of margins, as PRSB becomes 2024’s first holder of the “Deus Ex Machina” Award, presented by WD-40, for their 4-point escape.

Next in the Wayne, defending champs Nerd Herd took a trip to visit the slightly rebranded Rockme Tonight squad. Careful what you wish for boys, since the 2023 hosses gave you exactly what you were asking for. Team Rockme put up a 27-point outing from the Vikings D on the back of 5 sacks, a TD, and 2 picks against a woeful Giants O, but with no one else beating the 20 mark, it was WR Nico Collins (17) and K Kaimi Fairbairn (17) that had to do the bulk of the remaining heavy lifting. The defending champs looked back in form, with RB Devon Achane (22) picking up where he left off last year, but the analytics didn’t lie for the Herd. Rookie QB Jayden Daniels impressed with a 23-point debut, and K Jake Moody (26) proved the point that GM and co-VP Will has been banging on about for years - that kickers can win you fantasy championships. Give this one to the Herd, 140-126.

Wrapping up this side of the league table, Council of Steel took the long Week 1 flight to do battle with NoKe in our international kickoff game. Jet lag didn’t seem to have any effect on the Council, as QB Tua Tagovailoa (20), WR Stefon Diggs (21), and RB Joe Mixon (25) all turned in stellar performances. NoKe answered back with 25 from QB Anthony Richardson and 20 from RB Rhamondre Stevenson, but the rest of the team seemed to be a half-step behind. Maybe it was a result of them only being able to take EU-approved gym supplements for the week leading up the game - we all know those wimpy Euros don’t want you to have the good stuff. NoKe falls victim to the Council in this one, as CJS takes the international win 137-119.

Over in the Keenan, 2023 silver medalist God’s Country played host to the Destroyers. With the draft day hiccups worked out of their system, GC was able to put up nice efforts from WR Xavier Worthy (20), the aforementioned K Brent Aubrey (21), and 23 from WR Mike Evans. QB Jordan Love was well on his way to a dominant performance, but a late injury denied him a chance at glory, and GC will need to turn to the services of Captain Kirk Cousins for a few weeks, who did not have a great week on the bench. The Destroyers, on the other hand, once again lived up to the moniker, with 22 from WR AJ Brown and 26 from QB Lamar Jackson serving only as the appetizer for a tasty 35 points from a strong Cowboy D/ST. James Conner, Kenneth Walker, and Deebo Samuel weren’t to be forgotten either, as the Destroyers posted a convincing 161-116 victory in Week 1. This also means that the Destroyers take provisional ownership of both the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award” for the top score of the season, as well as the  Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for the largest margin of victory in 2024, a 45-point gap. God’s Country, of course, has to take the requisite “Soda Can” Award for their defeat. Sorry, Todd.

Keeping things moving, the freshly and confusingly rebranded Richmond Will Holleys (helmed not by GM and co-VP Will, but instead Laine, in what I can only assume is an attempt at mass confusion) played host to Franco’s Italian Army. Doing it proud for the River City, the Richmond squad leant on a pair of 21-point performances from RB Alvin Kamara and the Steelers D, as well as a 27-point outing from WR Tyreek Hill, who gladly showed off his “getting away from the cops speed” after his pregame brush with the law. The Francophiles didn’t have much in the way of an answer, with 12 each from QB Brock Purdy and WR Garrett Wilson and 11’s from Travis Etienne and Brock Bowers being the not-so-highlights. With the new minor league baseball stadium finally under construction, Richmond now has two things to brag about, as they win convincingly 127-87. (Editor’s note - there’s so many things that could be called out from this game, either from my day job and/or the fact that we’ve added another cop to the league [which Atom addresses below] what with the Tyreek incident; or Laine’s blatant SECOND attempt at identity theft/trademark infringement - remember 2022? Atom’s gonna have a field day this year. - W.) 

Wrapping up the Keenan, the newly acquired Hillbilly Blitz took the ride down a two-lane road to take on the new-look Cream Of The Crop on home turf. Unbeknownst to the rest of the NHL owners, this matchup was a classic reversal of the master/student dynamic, as new GM Mike G was the one who oversaw GM Will’s first forays into the correct end of the criminal justice system, and then proceeded to serve as both the senior oversight as well as the partnership role in his criminal-catching activities for multiple years. With the shoe now on the other foot, Cream Of The Crop had plenty of bulletin board material and bragging rights on the line heading in to their home opener. With 22 points from WR Chris Godwin and 18 from RB Aaron Jones, this squad was nervous that they might spoil under pressure from 18 points from QB CJ Stroud of the Blitz. Thankfully for them, the remaining rushers of Bijan Robinson and Jamarr Chase got picked up, and the young blood taught the old dog some new tricks with a 121-84 win. This result also means that Hillbilly Blitz takes over the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award, presented by Hefty ™ brand trash bags for low score of the year. These two face off again in Week 14, in what will certainly be one to watch for office bragging rights in a two-game series, as well as a divisional showdown late in the season.

With the Week One action finally behind us, I finally feel like I can breathe again. My hydro is turned back on at the trailer, the electricity is running thanks to Ricky’s splice job off the neighbor’s connection, my stolen Red Zone password I bought off the grey market last week seems to still be working, and I found a few jars of Aunt Mabel’s gooseberry wine tucked in the back of my cabinet to keep the shakes away for the next few days until I can get to the bottle shop and pick up my usual Alberta Premium. The cold is still a month or two away from setting in, I’ve got my truck running on 7 out of 8 cylinders, and there’s still two moose backstraps sitting in my deep freeze, so it’s shaping up to be another great year. I’m excited to see what the 2024 season brings, and good golly Miss Molly, am I glad to finally be back home.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With Week 2 in the books, it looks like the injury bug has abounded early and often in 2024. Much has been made about Tua taking terrifically terrifying thumps to the temple, but I’ve had more than my fair share of knocks to the old cranium and I’ve turned out just fine. Heck, Craig McTavish played a contact sport without a helmet until 1997, and clearly he didn’t suffer from any ill effects, right? Let’s see what he’s been up to…hmm, fired from coaching the Oilers, fired 8 games into a coaching stint in Russia, couldn’t complete a 25-game contract as a TSN analyst, fired from coaching an AHL affiliate…uhh, maybe we should rethink that position. Maybe also I should see a doctor about the headache I’ve had since 2004, and that weird red patch in my vision that comes and goes. I always thought it was because I drank the water that came out of that rusty pipe at my uncle’s cabin when I was a kid, but I’m no expert.

Starting things off in the Keenan, Hillbilly Blitz took the ride to God’s Country to face them in their home opener. The Todd Squad jumped out to an early lead, led by strong performances from WR Marvin Harrison (29), RB James Cook (27), and QB Derek Carr (22). Brent Aubrey and the Bears D also had nice supporting roles to keep the pressure on throughout the matchup. Blitz GM Mike G bemoaned the performance of his normal stud WR Jamarr Chase putting him in the early hole, but headed into Monday night with a reasonable deficit, kept in the game by the likes of WR DK Metcalf (28) and TE George Kittle (20). Not content to rely solely on the most exciting player in football in Younghoe Koo, RB Bijan Robinson (16) also put in a solid effort late, but it came up just short in a close, well-fought matchup. God’s Country wins the home opener, 126-121, and the Blitz remain in the hunt for their first victory.

Cream of the Crop took the short ride to visit crosstown rivals The Richmond Will Holleys on their home turf for the first time this season. Stepping off the bus resplendent in spandex and feather boas, the Cream got straight to grunting and flexing early, showing off with 24 each from RB Breece Hall and WR Chris Godwin, and following that up with 22 from WR Amon-Ra St. Brown. Wanting to make a splash for the home crowd, the River City boys spend all their points budget on a big pyro display at the start, coming in the form of a whopping 43 points from RB Alvin Kamara, but then could only manage one more 21-point pop from the Steeler D before reaching exhaustion. With just a little too much load on Kamara’s shoulders, and the opponents being “undeniable, yeah”, the Cream rises to the top, 124-118, and remains the lone unbeaten in the Keenan. Team Willy doesn’t come away totally empty-handed, however, as Kamara’s big day means they take home the “You Got Rocked” Award.

Wrapping up the division, Franco’s Italian Army hosted the Destroyers, who needed to stock up on additional medical supplies on their way in to town. The Destroyers were crushed by the injury bug this week, with only one healthy bench player who wasn’t on a snap count. With that in mind, they threw everything they had left to the wall to see what stuck, with a pair of 17’s from QB Lamar Jackson and RB James Connor standing out. WR Deebo Samuel also had a nice 20-point game, in what looks to be his last outing for the next several weeks as he, too, has become effected by the magnetic pull of the Blue Medical Tent. The Francophiles threw down the gauntlet immediately, with performances from WR Calvin Ridley (24), TE Brock Bowers (18), and the Charger D (18) adding up to an early 122-point mark that was never eclipsed. To borrow from Al Capone, it’s best to score early and often. FIA gets the win, 122-107, as both teams are now 1-1.

Over in the Wayne, NoKe returned to domestic soil to host Pack Rat Spider Banana. The fancy playcalling worked well enough out of the box for the Pack Rats, with RB Jordan Mason (16) and WR CeeDee Lamb (19) showing off by way of the trickeration. The rest of the squad, however, seemed to get a bit turned around, and there was a scoring lull until late, when RB Saquon Barkley (17) found pay dirt. With plenty of RnR from their European vacation, NoKe got right back to work, pushing out 17 each from RB Jahmyr Gibbs and WR Drake London, 19 from TE Trey McBride, and 23 from WR Justin Jefferson. The NoKe boys seemed much more comfortable back at home in their own digs, and proved it with their 137-100 win, bringing both teams to 1-1.

Next up, Council of Steel held their home opener against defending champs Nerd Herd. The Council was another team bit by the injury bug, but not quite in the same way. 20 from RB JK Dobbins and 26 from WR Davante Adams are worth mentioning no matter the conditions, but with key injuries to Joe Mixon and the aforementioned Tua, this is a team with some problems. For quarterbacks, thankfully this is the only franchise to roster 3 right now, so they’re well enough off, but with Jonathan Brooks already on IR it’s scramble mode in the running back department. The Herd wasn’t without their own issues, but you wouldn’t have known it from the outside looking in, as RB Devon Achane (28), WR Malik Nabers (28), WR Rashid Shaheed (20), the Browns (19) and WR Rashee Rice (18) all romped to outstanding outings. The Herd take a road win 152-94 in convincing fashion, and remain the Wayne’s only unbeaten. That tough loss would ordinarily win the Council some ignominy, but they were spared their blushes by our final matchup…

Finishing the week out, Rockme Tonight hosted BlahBlahBlah as both teams looked to pick up their first win of the year. There’s simply no way around it – the B’s might not have the longest list, but their injury report is certainly the hardest to stomach. With CMC and Puka down for possibly the duration, Njoku and Engram leaving them high and dry at tight end for another week or two, and Cooper Kupp joining them in the infirmary mid-game, this team is banged-up. Valiant efforts from Tony Pollard, Brian Robinson Jr., and the Ravens, but the B’s need to fall back and lick their wounds for now. Team Rockme showed no mercy and gave no quarter, however, doing enough scoring for two lineups. WR Nico Collins posted 27, the Jets D was a machine with 23, WR Zay Flowers grabbed 22, and WR Devonta Smith posted a very strong 20. Even kicker Kaimai Fairbairn got in on the fun with 20 points of his own. Rockme romps to a 162-77 domination, giving them ownership of both the Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for their high score of the year, and the Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 85-point margin of victory. Of course, BlahBlahBlah must suffer the requisite “Soda Can” Award for their loss, and assume ownership of the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for their injury-riddled performance. Lots of hardware changing hands in this one.

The doc says he can see me in four weeks about my head injury, but I’m not sure what he’s talking about because I’m pretty sure I tried to make an appointment about a head injury. He also mentioned something about repeated blows to the head and their effect on short-term memory, but I can’t remember exactly what it was that he was yammering on about. Anyway, he said that while I’m waiting for my appointment to come up, I shouldn’t drink because it’s bad for the brain, but my brain doesn’t hurt, it’s my head, so I think I’ll be fine to keep doing it until I go – gotta keep the shakes away somehow. I’ll call them back tomorrow and try to reschedule an appointment with someone that knows what they’re talking about.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

The Equinox has come and gone, so you know what that means. No, not the fact that GM has packed up yet another Chevy-badged Opel product and moved production out of the CAMI Ontario plant, and outsourced it to China as a Baojun SUV – that already happened in 2022. In fact, this past Sunday was the date that the day is just as long as the night, and is the official start of autumn. Leaves begin to change, temperatures start to drop, and friends spend time together outside for hours on end, standing around a burning oil drum while throwing their empty Kokanee cans into the flames while your nephew Tyson sets marshmallows on fire on the end of his straightened coat hangar. Truly one of the best times of the year, and of course, the time when football really starts to get in to the swing of things.

Another week of divisional action across the league, and we’re already starting to see a divide form across the aisle. Starting off with the high-powered but inconsistent Wayne, the newly minted Rockme on the Water floated across to face Pack Rat Spider Banana. Ka’imi Fairbairn might have been floating in the lazy river on his “0” ring, but the rest of the squad was certainly not on a sunset cruise, as TE Dallas Goedert (27), RB Jonathan Taylor (26), QB Joe Burrow (25) and the Jets (25) all put in heavy work, rowing that boat all the way across the lake. The Pack Rat’s RB Saquon Barkley (32), QB Dak Prescott (29), and the Colts (21) were all scrambling after the cheese, but the rest of the squad got left behind in the rat race. Team Rockme sails away with the 153-108 victory – hopefully they didn’t bring any of those banana spiders back on the boat with them.

Next up, BlahBlahBlah took on Council of Steel in 2024’s first iteration of the Stehle Bowl in what was a defacto home game for both. The B’s roster read more like a hospital board than a lineup this week, but they mustered what they could out of the remaining walking wounded. QB Josh Allen tried valiantly to put the team on his back with 29 points, but with a pair of goose eggs from the remaining healthy starters, this squad will have to lick their wounds and live to fight another week. The Council rode 19 from WR Stefon Diggs, 20 from WR Davante Adams, and 21 from finally healed QB Aaron Rodgers to an easy 114-72 victory. To add insult to injury, the B’s retain the Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” award, besting (worsting?) their previous low of 77.

Closing out the Wayne, NoKe played host to defending champs Nerd Herd. This was a matchup with some very similar coaching philosophies, with two very different results. A dual threat QB (NH’s Kyler Murray vs. NoKe’s Anthony Richardson), a stud 30-point RB (NH’s Derrick Henry to NoKe’s Kyren Williams), a top-flight WR (NH’s Rashee Rice against NoKe’s Justin Jefferson), a goose egg at flex (WR Rashid Shaheed and RB Rhamondre Stevenson), and a 5+5 TE/K combo (LaPorta/Moody vs McBride/Santos). The difference makers? The Herd’s hot rookie WR Malik Nabers (27 points) and stronger D in the Browns, and an underperforming QB (AR5) and D/ST (Raiders) for NoKe. The champs remain undefeated, 136-104.

Compared to the Wayne, the Keenan is definitely off to a slower scoring pace, but is much more consistent across the board. Our first matchup is a great example of such, as the Destroyers rode in to the 804 to take on the Will Holleys. The Destroyers took a bit to get going, but soon roared to life with 26 points from QB Lamar Jackson and 20 from WR Terry McLaurin. The Free Willys, on the other hand, got out to an early lead on the back of RB David Montgomery with 20 points, and 16 from the Steeler D. Just like the Kanhwa Canal floodgates, the Commonwealth kids just barely weathered the storm, 100-94. Despite the victory, TRWH came within six points of picking up the year’s first Travis Bickell Award for having the bench outscore the team, one of two teams to do so this week.

Since I just brought it up, let’s tie that threat off with another RVA local(ish) in Hillbilly Blitz hosting Franco’s Italian Army.  The Francophiles sported a rare Steeler-less lineup, but it seemed to have paid off in spades, as QB Brock Purdy (25) and the Packer D (28) had great outings. The real star of the show, however, was WR Jauan Jennings, who put together 11 catches for 175 yards and 3 scores, a 46-point effort good enough to take home the “You Got Rocked” Award for best individual score for the year. The Blitz attempted to respond with 29 from WR Jamarr Chase, 25 from RB Zach Charbonnet (Finally! – W.), and 20 from WR DK Metcalf, but the absence of George Kittle and underperforming Hunter Henry meant that the Blitz’s chances vanished like an Appalachian mist in the morning. FIA takes the win, 138-116, and the Blitz are kicking themselves for leaving 110 on the pine.

Wrapping things up with our primetime matchup, the Todd Squad left the golden pastures of God’s Country and paid a visit to sample the Cream Of The Crop. Waddle and Freiermuth might have been cold from being in the fridge too long, but RB Aaron Jones (25), the Seahawks (24) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (20) were hot and fresh. For GC, RB James Cook (17) and WR Marvin Harrison Jr. (17) were just fine along with Brent Aubrey, but the rest of this lineup might have spoiled in the heat. The Cream rose to the top in this one, 136-88.

Well folks, that’s all the news that’s fit to print this week. Thankfully I won’t have to worry about raking this year since the only 3 trees left in my yard are dead, so I can take one down and have enough firewood to get me through the winter. That’s certainly a better solution than years past, where I ripped the floorboards up out of my trailer to burn for heat after I ran out of kero for the heater. That’s a problem for winter Atom, though, because right now I’m sipping an Oktoberfest and picking out the best pumpkin to carve Gordie Howe into in a few weeks.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Many of you all may have seen the news that the longshoremen of the East Coast are going on strike this week. Not to be outdone by the Yanks, the Association of Washed-Up Canadian Sportswriters Guild Collective is also striking this week in a protest over the growing role of AI and job automation in the journalism sphere. Bearing that in mind, besides my comments here and at the end, the bulk of this article was written by Froogle’s Degenerative AI model, just so you can get a taste of what you’ll lose should Trudeau not come to his senses and broker a contract sitdown between TSN and the AWUCSG. Over to you, C3-PO.

Nerd Herd emerged victorious over Pack Rat Spider Banana in a thrilling match, extending their undefeated streak to four games. A standout performance from WR Malik Nabers (23), who was a "nerd" on the field with his precise routes and sure-handed catches, played a crucial role in the victory. RB Derrick Henry also contributed significantly with 33 points, showcasing his agility and power. The Browns defense, led by their tenacious linebacker who was hunting the "rats" in the backfield, consistently disrupted the opposition’s offensive rhythm. However, Nerd Herd was not without its struggles, as RB Devon Achane and WR Rashee Rice failed to meet expectations. (Editor’s note – the computer was a bit harsh on Rice, considering his injury…-W.) Pack Rat Spider Banana, on the other hand, received solid contributions from their two wide receivers in CeeDee Lamb (22) and Jordan Reed (26), and running back Jordan Mason (25), but the TE Mark Andrews slipped on a “banana” peel on offense. Ultimately, Nerd Herd’s superior play and execution proved to be the difference, securing a seven-point win and cementing their status as a dominant force in the league.

Rockme Amadeus, formerly known as Rockme on the Water, made a triumphant debut under their new moniker, securing a nail-biting victory over Council of Steel by a mere two points. The newly christened Rockme group showcased their offensive prowess, led by their exceptional WR Nico Collins (33) who was a "rock me" star, dazzling the crowd with his acrobatic catches and blazing speed. RB Jonathan Taylor (19) also played a vital role, consistently gaining yards and wearing down the opposition. Council of Steel, not to be outdone, countered with their own formidable duo of WR’s Stefon Diggs (17) and Chris Olave (16), and a tenacious Saints defense (22). However, Rockme’s Jets defensive unit proved to be the difference-maker, shutting down the running game and forcing turnovers at crucial moments. The game went down to the wire, with both teams trading blows until the final whistle. In the end, Rockme’s resilience and determination prevailed, solidifying their place as a force to be reckoned with in the league. Oh, and let's not forget the "amadeus" of the game, the kicker who nailed the game-winning field goal with a kick that would have made Mozart proud. (Editor’s note – Kai’mi Fairbairn, I guess? -W.)

NoKe secured a narrow victory over BlahBlahBlah, winning by a single point in a closely contested match that nearly won them the “Deus Ex Machina” Award. Despite losing their quarterback and tight end to injuries, NoKe’s offense found a way to thrive, thanks to exceptional performances from their two running backs in Kyren Williams (20) and Jahmyr Gibbs (19), and a standout WR Justin Jefferson (20) who stepped up in the absence of their injured teammates. The B’s, on the other hand, struggled to find their rhythm, with only their two running backs (Tony Pollard – 18, Brian Robinson Jr. – 20) and the Ravens defense showing up. The rest of the team underperformed, allowing NoKe to capitalize on their mistakes. In the end, NoKe’s resilience and determination paid off, as they secured a victory that extended BlahBlahBlah’s winless streak to 4 games.

God’s Country emerged victorious over Franco’s Italian Army in a one-sided contest, securing a win that improved their record to 2-2. The game was highlighted by outstanding performances from God’s Country running back Chubba Hubbard (21) and wide receiver Mike Evans (23), who consistently made big plays and kept their team moving forward. While the rest of GC’s players performed admirably, RB James Cook struggled to make an impact, providing a rare blemish on an otherwise solid performance. The Army, on the other hand, faced significant challenges throughout the game, with many players failing to meet expectations. The only bright spot for Franco’s was the Titans defense (21), which played well but ultimately couldn't overcome their team's offensive shortcomings. Both teams now find themselves at .500 with plenty of football left to be played.

The Richmond Will Holleys and Hillbilly Blitz clashed in a highly anticipated matchup over supremacy in the former capital of the Confederacy. Despite the Willys’ impressive QB Jared Goff (27) and two talented running backs in Alvin Kamara (24) and David Montgomery (15), their overall performance was hindered by the struggles of their other players. The Blitz, on the other hand, showcased a strong quarterback in CJ Stroud (24), reliable kicker Younghoe Koo (20), and a dominant 49ers defense (30) that proved to be the difference-maker. This victory marked the Blitz’s first win of the year, a significant milestone in their season. (Editor’s note – even HAL-9000 agrees with me that Koo is the most exciting player in football! – W.)

Cream Of The Crop, previously undefeated, faced a tough challenge against the Destroyers in their latest match. Despite the Destroyers’ inefficiency and the underwhelming performance of TE Kyle Pitts, QB Lamar Jackson (22) and WR Terry McLaurin (18) managed to keep the team afloat. The Crop, on the other hand, displayed a high level of efficiency, with WR Amon-Ra St. Brown and RB Aaron Jones (17) consistently making big plays. The game ended in a tie, forcing a tiebreaker to determine the winner. In a dramatic turn of events, the Destroyers emerged victorious in the tiebreaker on total touchdowns, securing a win that not only snapped CotC’s undefeated streak but also earned the Destroyers a well-deserved “Deus Ex Machina” Award for their performance.

Whoof. I’m not sure I’m ready to hand off article duties to the computer just yet. I like to think I’m pretty tech savvy compared to most of my Luddite neighbors, who are still using BB guns to try to shoot down the Amazon drones delivering their packages because they think they’re Ukrainian kamikazes. That said, nothing can replace the personal touch, extensive knowledge, and occasional snark that a flesh-and-blood writer brings to the table. In the meantime while the strike is in effect, I think next week I’ll be handing the reins over to Mean Gene Oakerland, who the league brought in as a partner in the offseason. May God have mercy on us all.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider and AWUCSG president emeritus

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct pleasure this week to take over journalism duties and bring you coverage of this week’s events throughout the National Holley League. Good morning, I’m Gene Oakerland, back from the dead at the behest of Roger Stern-Bettman, the distinguished president of the National Holley League. It was a busy week here on the fantasy gridiron, and after extensive research and review you’ll see exclusive analysis and access that you only get here in the NHL. For those of you that may be unfamiliar - it’s Gene, you better believe it. 

Our opening match on the card saw The Richmond Will Holleys squaring off against God’s Country to determine who would hold the interim Holden-weight belt. With two competitive .500 performers, this was a great way to get the crowd involved early, as both squads came out of the box with some technical grappling and some stiff shots. The River City boys’ early standout strike came from WR DJ Moore (27), and as the match progressed they made another late push from the Steeler D (25). The Todd Squad’s early work did plenty of damage, with the Bears D (27), WR Mike Evans (24), and the 1-2 RB combo of Chubba Hubbard and James Cook (17’s) giving them an early upper hand. After withstanding a late comeback, God’s Country emerged victorious and held up the new strap, to be worn with pride this holiday season.

The next matchup on the card saw the heavyweight Destroyers face Hillbilly Blitz, who other squared circle pundits have unfairly labeled as a jobber. This was another close match from start to finish, as the heel Destroyers and face Blitz traded shots to the delight of the sold out Scotiabank Saddledome. Destroyers QB Lamar Jackson (31), Giants D (30) and WR Tee Higgins (29) were a brutal combo for the Blitz to endure, but they fired right back with 41 from WR Jamarr Chase, 20 from TE George Kittle, and 17 from the 49er D. In the end, a low blow from Destroyer K Harrison Butker (13) crippled the Blitz, and the Destroyers took the dirty win. Certainly the Destroyers like their chances at the intermediate Keenan title, but both of these adversaries had strong showings and must like their chances for the big belt.

Current interim Keenan title-holder Cream of the Crop settled in for a defense against Franco’s Italian Army in an unbelievable “time distortion” gimmick match, where space is the place. The Cream set off down that lonesome highway, helped by a 35-point powerbomb from QB Kirk Cousins, only to follow it up with 24 from TE Tucker Kraft and 25 from the Commander D. They were soon hypnotized by 29 from FIA WR Garrett Wilson, 23 from TE Brock Bowers and 31 from the Broncos D as the Francophiles began to reincarnate, yeah. The Cream couldn’t concentrate, and the Italian Army did mental telepathy, yeah, to knock them off the top spot in the Keenan race, as the beat goes on.

NHL General Manager Kirk and Pack Rat Spider Banana were the next entrants to face Council of Steel in a hardcore “anything goes” unsanctioned match. The Pack Rats, living up to their moniker, wasted no time, getting out a bag of mousetraps and littering them around the ring for the Council to step in, with Tucker, Lamb and Reed snapping at the Council. The Council grabbed the ring steps and proceeded to batter the Bananas with them, as RB Dandre Swift (19), RB Javonte Williams (16), and TE Travis Kelce (16) took turns taking shots. PRSB responded by putting the Council in the signature Spiderweb Clutch, holding them still so WR Brandon Aiyuk (22), the Vikings D (22) and QB Dak Prescott (18) could tee off. The Council managed to escape, however, and delivered a steel chair shot (The Steel Con-Chair-To) in the form of WR Brian Thomas (23) to put the Bananas down for the count. 

In what amounted to a squash match, the so-far winless BlahBlahBlah drew a tough matchup against defending heavyweight champ Nerd Herd. The B’s came out bandaged and bruised, limping out to their entrance music to do their best in the face of a tough foe. Despite a multitude of recent suspensions and injuries, the B’s did at least pepper in some leather with a pre-injury Josh Allen, Brian Robinson Jr, and Colby Parkinson, not going away quietly. It didn’t take long for the Herd to execute their signature Triple Stampede, though, as QB Jayden Daniels (20), WR Rashid Shaheed (22), and the Browns D (24) powered over their opponents. The Herd remains undefeated and certainly looks to be the favorites to retain the belt, and the B’s are still looking for that elusive first victory (they also retain the tertiary “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” title, with a mark of 64).

Finishing off the night, a tag-team cruiserweight matchup between NoKe and Rockme Amadeus proved to be an absolute thriller. The Rockme boys got things going early with RB Kareem Hunt (18), K Ka’imi Fairbairn (16), and WR Nico Collins, before he went down due to injury. The Jets D (23) came running in from the back to break up the pin and take his spot on the apron, distracting the ref long enough for WR Darnell Mooney (31) to get to the top rope and perform the Standing Mooneysault. NoKe picked up some momentum, though, as QB Geno Smith (24), the Patriots D (19) and RB Rhamondre Stevenson (18) pulled off a Three Amigos that Eddie Guerrero would have been proud of. Rockme QB Joe Burrow (32) popped out from under the ring and took the ref out again, before starting to pummel NoKe unchecked. NoKe WR Drake London (33) emerged from the crowd to a massive pop, bringing a kendo stick into the ring and laying waste to everyone just in time for the ref to wake up and count NoKe as the very narrow winner. 

Truly thrilling events coming to you live this evening from right here in the Scotiabank Saddledome, ladies and gentlemen. I might not have finished my degree in journalism, but what little I learned has certainly prepared me for this career in legitimate sports journalism. As I sit here, or rather stand here, addressing you all, I can’t help but remember this rather incorrect quip from the great CM Punk - “Your arms are just too short to box with God!”. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I’m here to tell you that that’s simply not true, and that you can do anything that you set your mind to, even if that goal is to hoist the World Heavyweight Championship. 

I’ve greatly enjoyed my guest coverage here, and I look forward to the next opportunity I have to work alongside Atom and cover the National Holley League. Until then, feel free to send any stock tips you’ve got.

Signing off,

“Mean” Gene Oakerland

With the strike settled amongst the Association of Washed-Up Canadian Sportswriters Guild Collective, it was now time to see who would take over the intellectual property for the AWUCSGU, as through a complicated and very polite legal proceeding, the Guild had to declare Chapter 47 bankruptcy, a common practice in Canadian business. I certainly hoped that the creative minds who made the content in the first place would retain control over their own individual intellectual property, but alas, the rights were sold off to American Lease, who you may know as the shady New York Uber rental business that just bought out the now-defunct Fisker electric car company. Who knows, maybe now I can get an employee discount on one of those discounted electricity cars and use it as a battery to run my house this winter.

Our first week of interleague play kicked off with Rockme Amadeus boldly venturing into the woods to face Hillbilly Blitz. The Blitz, true to name, came (literally) screaming down the hill, rebel yells a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’, striking fear into the hearts of the enemy. RB Bijan Robinson (25) relied on his Native blood to touch an enemy without killing him, completing his last war task, while TE George Kittle (22), the 49er D (20), and a pair of 19’s from RB Najee Harris and WR Diontae Johnson delivered the final blows. Team Rockme was playing off-key the whole time, and while QB Joe Burrow (21) and WR Zay Flowers (22) might have had perfect pitch, when your running back corps of Moss and Akers combine for a total of zero points, that’s just not a symphony of perfection. The Blitz pick up win number two on the year, 151-98.

Speaking of falling flat in front of a crowd, let’s jump over to Council of Steel, who went on the road against the Destroyers. The Council came out to a strong start, with QB Bo Nix leading the charge with 20, and RB D’andre Swift and WR Stefon Diggs maintaining their relevance with 19 apiece. WR Chris Olave, on the other hand, had a game to forget, combining 1 catch for 5 yards and a lost fumble into a -1 score, giving the Council a controlling stake in drawA “nataS liaH” ehT for reversing the capital gains of the team. The Destroyers continue to lean into the franchise branding, riding 23 from WR AJ Brown, 23 from WR Terry McLaurin, 22 from QB Lamar Jackson, and 20 from RB Kenneth Walker all the way to a 28-point victory, 128-100, moving them to 4-2, tied for top spot in the Keenan.

Since we’re talking about vying for a division lead, let’s take a look at Franco’s Italian Army, who hosted NoKe, the team gunning for lead of the Wayne. While traditionally famed in a bit of cultural stereotyping as fantastically hospitable, the Francophiles sent out WR Garrett Wilson (24) and QB Brock Purdy (22) to greet their guests in a less-than-friendly manner. RB Travis Etienne, on the other hand, was very accommodating to his opponents, being one of two starters this week to post both a negative net yardage and a zero in the score box (the other being the aforementioned Cam Akers – W). NoKe, not wanting to show up empty-handed, had RB Tyrone Tracy (22), WR Drake London (19), and TE Trey McBride (17) bring tokens of appreciation for their hosts in the form of points against. Despite a late surge from the Pasta Platoon, after dessert, it was NoKe who came out the victor, 124-113 as they retain their grip on second in the Wayne.

A pair of franchises with work to do in their division races met as God’s County played host to Pack Rat Spider Banana. The Pack Rats must have been munching on some spoiled fruits, as the top line of Dak-Saquon-Aiyuk-Mason combined for just 23 altogether. However, they must have served up a little of it to God’s Country as well, with James Cook being a late scratch and Marvin Harrison exiting after dropping both of his two targets, posting a pair of zeroes for the Todd Squad. QB Jordan Love (23) did his best to command GC to victory, but the Pack Rats stowed away on the Buccaneers’ 36-point pirate ship to sail to victory, 111-89, picking up their much-needed second win of the year and staving off the scurvy for a while longer.

BlahBlahBlah went on the road to face the Cream Of The Crop, two teams notable for their spoken words but for very different reasons. Both lineups were perhaps a little too focused on crafting the perfect soundbite, as B’s Brian Robinson and COTC’s Devin Singletary didn’t turn in a single snap, preferring to talk to the media instead. The B’s QB Justin Fields (22) and WR Romeo Doubs (19) proved that they weren’t all talk, and Tony Pollard, Evan Engram, and the Ravens D were plenty more than background chatter as they all posted an 18. With the cards stacked against them, the Cream set out to prove that “nothing means nothing”, led by 35 from WR Chris Godwin. Despite some outside interference, a late push from pure athlete RB Breece Hall proved that off-balance or on balance, nobody does it better, as the Cream rose to the top, 126-122, further relegating BlahBlahBlah into their still-winless campaign.

Our primetime matchup saw the league-leading and defending champs Nerd Herd take their undefeated record down to Fist City to challenge The Richmond Will Holleys. The Herd went thundering out to an early lead, thanks to the efforts of RB Derrick Henry (25), QB Jayden Daniels (21), and RB Alexander Mattison (17), leaving the Broad Street Boys with plenty of ground to make up. Taking after their namesake, however, TRWH emulated a round of their patron’s patented “Willy Golf” (trademark pending), starting off slow and erratic before getting warm and shaving a few points off the scorecard. WR Tank Dell (18) was an early bright spot, before the Steeler D (21), RB David Montgomery (21), and QB Jared Goff (24) brought the “One Ballers” screaming back late. After the totting up, it was the Commonwealth Crew that handed the defending champs their first loss of the year, as TRWH prevailed 131-125 in an upset on national coverage.

My, my, my, what a week in the National Holley League. The eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that the league has been subjected to an image change in the form of rebranding – another blow against the human creative, and another job farmed out to Froogle’s Degenerative AI model (which they’re calling Octantis, apparently) at the behest of AWUCSGU’s new corporate overlords. I read somewhere that the carbon footprint for making one of those pictures is the equivalent of running a car for 10 years, so maybe it makes sense that they bought out that battricity-powered SUV company. I’m still waiting for my employee discount chit.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With midseason football come the midseason woes. I’ve re-written this article in deference to the league office, who in such an American way demanded it despite my ongoing ailments. A day late and a dollar short it may be, but I’m ill, and I can’t help it nor should I be forced to work through it, despite Yank tendencies and practices. I’m not alone in this endeavor, I might note – the injury report this week read like a chapter of a Tolkien novel as opposed to a jaunty Edward Lear limerick. As the weeks pass and the injuries mount, I’m glad to be a Canuck, what with our universal healthcare and native beaver-gland derived home remedies. You boys south of the border could learn a thing or two about the single payer system, or about drinking a cup of berry juice and moose blood handed to you by an angakkuq.

Starting off another week of interleague action, Nerd Herd played host to Hillbilly Blitz. The Blitz are a team I just can’t figure – after dropping their first four in a Dr. Jekyll act, Mr. Hyde has come out to play as the Blitz might be the new team to beat in the Keenan despite their divisional position. RB Bijan Robinson (23), QB Jalen Hurts (22), and WR DK Metcalf (19) brought the pain and the meds to cure it. The Herd, on the other hand, was absolutely trampled, despite the efforts of RB Derrick Henry (24) and K Will Lutz (18), leaving those two to drag the walking wounded to the emergency room. The Blitz send the Herd running to their hills, 125-89, and now boasting the second-best average score in their division by a slim margin, might have turned the corner on their year, while the Nerds cling to their top spot in the Wayne.

That top spot in the Wayne is currently being hunted by NoKe, who hosted Cream of the Crop, in the hunt for number one in the Keenan. The Cream reached right into the old WWF bag of tricks, mainlining a concoction of cocaine, bull testosterone and HGH and watching the magic in the mirror. RB Aaron Jones (20), RB Breece Hall (25) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (25) all certainly seemed to respond well to it, but Big Kirko and Chris Godwin might have overtrained a little and look to spend some time at the physio. Not to be outdone, NoKe tried out their own homebrew of invermectin, horse electrolytes, and a secret diet pill funded jointly by the Department of Defense and the WNBA. The bizarre concoction produced massive gains from RB Jahmyr Gibbs (31), the Bills D (23) and WR Justin Jefferson (21), and the rest of the squad seemed to like the taste too. The roid fest concluded with NoKe coming out on top, 153-137.

The newly christened Rockme Gently, Rockme Slowly welcomed The Richmond Will Holleys to town, in a game where both teams could have used a little shot in the arm. Team Willy took their opponents’ name as a direction to be followed, with no player eclipsing 20. QB Jared Goff and K Austin Seibert (who even is that?) posted a pair of 17’s as the high water mark for the boys from the Commonwealth. Across the turf, RB Kareem Hunt (21) might have been singing an old classic tune, but the rest of the Rockme crew must have heard it as a lullaby as they all laid down for a little nap-nap. That, or someone slipped them a B-52 shot in the thigh when they weren’t paying attention. TRWH slipped out the door on this one with an 88-81 victory.

Since we’re talking Holdens, God’s Country climbed off the bus to face Council of Steel, but walked into a Kevorkian nightmare. The Cardinals D (19) and Jordan Love (16) might give you something to hope for, but when Kyle Pitts makes your top three with 13, it might be time to start having some hard conversations with your physician. The Council couldn’t come to a clear consensus on who should start this week, so the lineup bore a strong resemblance to Frankenstein’s monster. The doc couldn’t glue Chris Olave back together in time, but RB Jameson Willams (25), RB Joe Mixon (25) and the Saints D (19) were at least able to bring some muscle to the frame. The Council takes this one, 106-87.

I tried to rewrite this one in the theme, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I also can’t take anything away from Franco’s Italian Army, who put a strong lineup out and got a hard-fought win. RB Josh Jacobs (19), TE Brock Bowers (19) and the stout Broncos D (32) all turned in great performances. For BlahBlahBlah…the hits just keep on coming. Despite some savvy pickups and maximizing the lineup to their fullest potential, the B’s still only have L’s for their ’24 campaign. TE David Njoku (23), QB Josh Allen (22) and WR Romeo Doubs (17) all put in great efforts, but BlahBlahBlah just can’t seem to catch a break this year, as they fell victim this week to just four points from the opposition kicker. A 125-121 final in this one, and we hope the B’s can find the magic cure for what ails them next week.

Copernicus was right about the sun being the center of the solar system, Jim Chanos called it with Enron, and we now know that Pack Rats carried the plague. QB Baker Mayfield (26), RB Saquon Barkley (26) and the Viking D (18) hopped off the boat, handing out their spider- and disease-infested bananas to anyone who dared approach them in an attempt at biological warfare against the enemy. I’m not sure if the Destroyers have been reading up on Mayan cultural practices or just watching way too much House, but they decided to sacrifice Deebo for the greater good and it paid off in spades. WR AJ Brown (19), RB Kennth Walker (22), and QB Lamar Jackson (33) either praised the sun god or attempted some experimental treatment as they rose above the rest. The Destroyers take the win, 126-116, and send the Rats Packing.

Now that I’ve fulfilled my due diligence to my star-spangled overlords, I can finally get some rest and try to recover from my bout with the sniffles. I’ve got a bum ankle, too, which I’ve got taped up with electricity tape since the pharmacy was out of Ace bandages. I’ll get that looked at in time, but for now, I ordered a bulk load of 3M products, enough to keep it wrapped for the next six years and four days, which happens to coincide with the first available doctor’s appointment I could get. It’s a good thing it’s in the morning, too, since the plumber is coming that afternoon, and the angakkuq shows up the Monday after.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Nothing signals the start of the Canadian winter quite like Halloween. The Yanks may have commercialized the carved pumpkins, the candy corn, and the toilet papering of your neighbor’s house, but there’s nothing quite like a Canadian All Hallows Eve. This year, it’s looking like it’s going to be a balmy 4.5 degrees out, so I think we’ll fire up the grill and have some moose steaks while we hand out Coffee Crisp to the young rapscallions. Last year they interrupted my fireworks display by egging my trailer, but I think that’s because I was handing out the little Mars bars instead of the big ones, so that’s on me. Maybe I’ll hand out bits of warm back strap fresh off the cooker, too.

Our first matchup had God’s Country hosting BlahBlahBlah. Both teams were locked in a dead heat for most of this contest, with no one seeming to gain an advantage like a back-and-forth prank war between rival groups of children. The B’s got great outings from QB Josh Allen (18), the Ravens (18), and TE David Njoku (17), with strong support the rest of the way. God’s Country was a little more focused, with RB James Cook (28), TE Kyle Pitts (25) and WR Marvin Harrison (23) providing a bulk of the scoring output. The B’s continue to be haunted by the spectre of victory, however, as they fall yet again in a 126-115 victory for God’s Country.

Rockme Gently Rockme Slowly took the ride to face The Cream Of The Crop in our next game. The Rockme boys jumped out to an early lead on the backs of WR Devonta Smith (20), RB Jonathan Taylor (18), WR Darell Mooney (18) and WR Zay Flowers (18). The Cream seemed to be scared of scoring, with only QB Kirk Cousins (24) being brave enough to put up big points. That was until the Lions D walked in to the party in their matching group costumes, wowing everyone with a fantastic 48-point performance. That ended up being good enough to take over ownership of the “You Got Rocked” Award, and was the difference-maker in this matchup, as the Cream stayed on top, 146-131.

The Richmond Will Holleys were dressed to impress as they hosted Council of Steel, who appeared wearing their full Wolf of Wall Street-inspired getups. The Council may have lost the services of some key receivers, but QB Bo Nix (29), RB Joe Mixon (23) and TE Travis Kelce (23) more than made up for their absences. The Steeler D (26) and RB Alvin Kamara (17) might have been handing out the good candy, but the rest of the host team seemed to prefer apples and raisin boxes, meaning that the houses on River Road got plenty of forks in the lawn. The Council takes this one, 155-109.

Pack Rat Spider Banana snuck in under cover of darkness to infiltrate the holiday bonfire thrown by Hillbilly Blitz. The full moon was out, so a few of the Blitz receivers turned in werewolves and couldn’t be found for gametime. QB Jalen Hurts (35), TE George Kittle (24), RB Bijan Robinson (23) and WR Jamarr Chase (20) did more than pick up the slack, however, making the Blitz a formidable foe in the darkness. The Pack Rats’s Jordan Mason might have been handing out banana Laffy Taffys, but WR CeeDee Lamb (39), TE Cade Otten (29), the Charger D (24) and QB Baker Mayfield (21) brought plenty of king-size candy bars to the party, propelling them to a 153-139 win.

Next up, NoKe faced off against the Destroyers in a matchup featuring two teams gunning for top spot in their divisions. NoKe RB Kyren Williams (21) and TE Trey McBride (21) dressed up like Maverick and Goose, while RB Jahmyr Gibbs (19) and WR Justin Jefferson (19) went with Mario and Luigi. Not to be outdone, Destroyers QB Lamar Jackson (24) went with a Black Panther outfit, and WR Terry McLaurin (17) went as Aquaman. In the end, NoKe were the winners of this costume contest, as they prevailed, 128-110.

Finally, Nerd Herd faced off against Franco’s Italian Army. The Francophiles’ QB Brock Purdy (25) and RB Josh Jacobs (25) set out a bowl of help-yourself candy, but it was all gone after the first few trick-or-treaters paid a visit. The Herd spent a little more time on their decorations, with RD Devon Achane (26) and QB Kyler Murray (21) taking the time to carve the pumpkins, set up the fake cobwebs, and put some plastic gravestones in the front yard. Nerd Herd’s decorations proved to be the difference maker while Franco’s pumpkins got smashed, as the Herd take this one, 129-111.

The grill is ripping hot and I’ve got a bottle of Alberta Premium to keep me warm. Aunty Ethyl did a great job with the pumpkin carving this year – a farmer out by her grows 30-kilo pumpkins that she buys, so she set out one that looks like Alanis Morisette and another that looks like Gordie Howe. We’ve got all the decorations we need, and cousin Ricky made the drive down to Montana to get the fireworks. He came back this year with a cellophane-wrapped cardboard box called the “Big Blast Boom-Boom Explod-a-ganza”, which is something I used to claim I could do way back when, when I chatted up girls at the bar dressed as sexy cats on Halloween (it never worked). We’re all settled in, so hopefully this year we have an ooky-spooky holiday and not an ooky-icky morning cleaning up the mess that the bottle-throwing kids make later on.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

There’s nothing quite like an election day, no matter where you are. I’ve visited a few distant cousins who stay up near Talkeetna, a place I’ve talked about before who elected Stubbs the cat as their mayor in 1997 and had an unsuccessful run for US Senate in 2014. There was, of course, the town of Picoaza, Ecuador, who in 1967, genuinely elected a foot powder called “Pulvapies” as their mayor by a landslide in a marketing campaign gone horribly wrong. The all-time great election, though, occurred in Lajitas, TX, whose residents elected a goat named Clay Henry as mayor in the late 80’s. Clay Henry really leaned into his role, first developing a drinking problem, then fathering a child out of wedlock, before finally being killed during rutting season by his own son in a dispute over a girl goat. His grandson, a goat appropriately named Clay Henry III, won a close mayoral race in 2000 that featured the goat, the incumbent human mayor, a dog named Clyde, and a giant wooden carving from a trading post. Clay Henry III was actually forcibly castrated a year later by an angry local as a result of a dispute over the town’s blue laws not allowing sale of beer on Sundays – he survived and continued to serve for many more years. I wish I could make this stuff up, but it’s very true – read it here to prove to yourself I’m not lying.

Our first contest saw Rockme Gently, Rockme Slowly square off against God’s Country. Team Rockme’s efforts looked like a close mirroring of the memorable 1993 Federal Election, with a joint effort coming together to take over at the top. QB Joe Burrow (26) and WR Zay Flower (29) played the part of the strongly established Liberals, while the Jets (19) and WR Darnell Mooney (19) emulated Bloc Québécois and RB Kareem Hunt (18) and WR Devonta Smith (18) did their best Reform impression. On the other side, God’s Country seemed to take on a Marion Barry approach at first. RB Chubba Hubbard (21) and QB Matt Stafford (17) found early success and had the people happy. Then the impression went full Rob Ford crack binge, as WR Xavier Worthy netted -1 points, tying for ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT. Rockme wins in a landslide, 149-84.

Our two league patrons set about battle in a contest that mirrored the 1800 US Election between John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Aaron Burr. Back in those days, everyone just went for broke, and whoever ended up in second in the voting got to be vice president. With both Holleys perhaps fed up with their respective “Executive VP” roles, the contest stayed close out of the gate. WR Courtland Sutton (22) made a strong argument for the Pack Rats, with TE Cade Otton (21) and the Vikings (17) also in agreement. It was the Titans (21) that spoke up for the Cream first, as WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (18) joined with noisy accordance. The tiebreaker went to the floor, and RB Saquon Barkley (32) was the one that finally settled it in favor of the Banana Boys. Let’s hope this doesn’t simmer for three more years before our sitting vice president kills someone in a pistol duel.

The Destroyers played host to the Nerd Herd in our next contest. The Destroyers had plenty of dirt for the reporters, but AJ Brown’s scoop turned out to be phony which hurt their credibility. Nonetheless, QB Lamar Jackson (22), the Colts (22) and RB Rico Dowdle (21) all worked their constituents into a frenzy, giving them strong results. The Herd were already starting from a good position as the incumbent league #1, leading with the formidable lineup of QB Jaden Daniels (19) and RB Derrick Henry (23). RB Devon Achane (31) made a sizeable campaign contribution as well, and then WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (37) broke open the war chest to take the smear campaign to the max. The Herd come out on top, 152-121, and stand alone on top at 7-2.

NoKe faced off against The Richmond Will Holleys in a contest that suspiciously resembled our 2011 Federal goings-on. The River City crew jumped out to an early commanding lead, with RB Alvin Kamara (27), WR Cedric Tillman (19), QB Sam Darnold (18) and WR Tank Dell (18) putting up strong results. NoKe started to climb back into this contest, however, with WR Davante Adams (22), QB Geno Smith (21) and WR Justin Jefferson (21) all bringing their side back within a shout. Drake London must have answered a robocall telling him they’d moved his polling place outside of Guelph, though, and Kyren Williams got confused and thought he’d accidentally voted early after TRWH campaign staffers sent out misleading flyers. The River City boys were cleared of any wrongdoing, and their victory stands, 139-121.

BlahBlahBlah faced off against Hillbilly Blitz in a contest I can only describe as Jill Stien vs. Buford T. Justice. The B’s did everything in their power and put on a great showing in what has historically been a completely futile effort, and still received the same forgone conclusion. WR Cooper Kupp (22), the Ravens (20), QB Josh Allen (19) and RB Tony Pollard (17) did the most with what they had and still ran a very professional outfit. The Blitz, meanwhile, had some stumbles and bumbles (Charbonnet and Kmet), but still had some moments of absolute glory, with QB Jalen Hurts (29), RB Bijan Robinson (21), WR Jacobi Myers (18) and the Eagles (18) proving they were still the ones for the job. The Blitz win this one, 115-104, and will serve as the sheriffs of Portague County, Texas, for the 15th time in a row.

Finally, Franco’s Italian Army hosted Council Of Steel in a down-to-the-wire thriller. The Council looked to campaign contributions from RB JK Dobbins (24), QB Bo Nix (19) and RB Joe Mixon (16) to stay in the fight, but Stefon Diggs was still out stumping on the big day and was nowhere to be found. The Francophiles had their own high-power donors in WR Garrett Wilson (30), RB Austin Ekeler (20) and TE Brock Bowers (15), giving them the edge with 99% of precincts reporting. Content to declare victory, they started the party early and the headlines started to print – “Dewey Defeats Truman!”. But at the last second, TE Travis Kelce brought his 22 electoral votes in favor of the Council, giving them the last laugh as they emerged the victors, 117-112.

I’ll keep it a bit on theme, but instead of my usual wrapup I think now might be a good time to take a step back and look at what’s going on around the league. The two divisions look a bit like two political experiments – the Keenan seems to be an exercise in Communism, where everyone is (mostly) equal, at either 5-4 or 4-5, while the Wayne is certainly an example of the dogfight that is Capitalism, with first place 7 games up on the poor unfortunates in 6th at 0-9. Speaking of those poor unfortunates, BlahBlahBlah has faced the 4th hardest schedule thus far at an average of 123.44 points against, while averaging just 99.22 points for, the lowest by some margin. Yeesh – sorry, B’s, that’s just unfair. The other divisional 6th-placer, Hillbilly Blitz, is mired in a 1-4 divisional record and a fairly tough schedule against (121.78 avg PA, T-5), but boasts the tied-for-third best offense so far at an average score of 126.33 (same as NoKe, currently sitting as a playoff team). I can hear GM Kirk screaming all the way up here in Saskatchewan, as yet again Pack Rat Spider Banana has had the toughest schedule in the league thus far (125.67 avg PA) as they sit at 4-5. To no one’s surprise, Nerd Herd at 7-2 and top of the league standings boasts the top offense thus far (130.67 PF avg, the only team above 130), as well as the softest opposition (111.33 PA avg). Back in the Keenan, Cream of the Crop has a tenuous grasp on the division lead, clinging to it only by tiebreak and praying that their average +1.34 point differential per game doesn’t get any smaller. Were the season to end today, the Wayne would send three squads to the dance, with defending champs Nerd Herd at 7-2, while Council of Steel and NoKe at 6-3 would duel in the 2/3 game. The Cream would be the lone Keenan representative and draw the unenviable matchup with NH, but with two other teams also at 5-4 and the other three just one game out of first, that’s anyone’s division.

The Leafs are playing and the leaves are changing, the weather’s getting colder, but this season is starting to heat up. One more week of interleague play, followed by five knock-down-drag-out divisional clashes. Strap in, folks, this one’s gonna be one for the books.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL Insider

Well, we’re ten weeks down, five to go, so we’re two thirds of the way through the year. I could draw on last week’s inspiration and tell you about the two thirds supermajority used in American politics, but I won’t beat the dead horse. The French also tried it way back when with no success (no shock there, they’re the French), and the Teamsters started using it in 1976, before promptly starting to bitch about it but not actually change it until 2013 (again, no surprise). Of course, I’m deferring to my Imperial-using reader base here – we’ve been using metric fractions in the Great White North for decades so our two-thirds is more like an American 35/51sts.

Let’s start things off with The Richmond Will Holleys on the road against BlahBlahBlah. The B’s have certainly faced more than their fair share of adversity this year, and that did not change this week as Bran Robinson was a late scratch, leaving the B’s down a man. QB Josh Allen (21) and WR Cooper Kupp (15) did their darndest to keep this squad in the fight, though, and they certainly weren’t going to go without a fight. TRWH leaned on 22 from WR Chase Brown, 19 from the Falcons D, and 15 from RB Alvin Kamara to do just enough to come out on top 101-87 and demote the B’s to 0-10, mathematically eliminating them from the postseason hunt as 2024’s first victim. RIP to BlahBlahBlah.

Since we discussed one Holden, let’s take a look at the Nerd Herd hosting God’s Country. The Todd Squad once again extracted greatness from RB Chubba Hubbard (24), while getting some additional nice value from WR Marvin Harrison Jr. (16) and RB James Cook (15), who continues to chef it up in Buffalo. The Herd certainly kept it close despite some disappointments like a scoreless Will Lutz and some negative rushing yardage from Malik Nabers, but the Texans D (17) and TE Sam LaPorta (15) did their best to right those wrongs. God’s Country takes a hard-fought win, 108-97, knocking off the defending champs.

Cream of the Crop took the ride to face the resurgent Council Of Steel, who have been red-hot recently. The Council posted twin 20’s from TE Travis Kelce and the Saints D, while adding a further 18 from WR Alec Pierce who’s another late-season bloomer. The Cream finally gave WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (18) an elite-level talent at QB in Patrick Mahomes (17), but it just wasn’t quite enough. The Council takes the win, 121-105, as the Cream become the only team in the Keenan to drop a game in Week 10, devastating for their playoff chances.

Rockme Gently, Rockme Slowly starting singing lullabies to the Destroyers as soon as they got off the team bus. QB Joe Burrow (29) and RB Kareem Hunt (16) were singing the loudest and with the most gusto, but they might have inadvertently put a few of their teammates to sleep as well. The Destroyers were prepared as most everyone wore earplugs (except Tyler Conklin, who Conked out). QB Lamar Jackson had a 31-point day, while RB James Conner (22) had another strong day to keep him in the elite conversation. Destroyers win this one, 124-105.

Franco’s Italian Army took a trip to square off with Pack Rat Spider Banana. The Pack Rats dove deep in the Gruden playbook for this one, and while that worked out well for the Charger D (20), WR Courtland Sutton (19), RB Rachaad White (18) and RB Bucky Irving (18), it got a little too cute for everyone else. The Francophiles went right back to classic Pittsburgh football – run it down their throats to make room for the passing game. RB Austin Ekeler (28) had a great day on the ground, while QB Brock Purdy (22), WR Puka Nacua (18), and WR Jauan Jenning (17) feasted through the air. FIA gets the W, 129-106.

Finally, wheeler-dealers NoKe hosted Hillbilly Blitz in our primetime matchup. NoKe has been trying to make all kinds of roster moves happen, but this week they trotted out the same lineup which may illustrate why that is. The Chiefs D posted 15, but no one else really had a game to write home about. In contrast, and perhaps angered by some of the more recent trade offers, the Blitz pulled out all the stops for this one. RB Bijan Robinson (28), QB Jalen Hurts (29), and the Eagle D (37) all had highlight-reel days. This one might have been over before it began, however, as WR Jamarr Chase snagged 11 passes for 264 yards and 3 TD’s enroute to a 55-point outing, the best individual effort for the year and good enough to take home the “You Got Rocked” Award. Throwing another 50-burger on top of an already impressive lineup gave the Blitz a final victory tally of 184-93, high score for the year and a margin of victory so wide they nearly doubled up their opponent. The Blitz took home some additional hardware, going home with both the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award for top score as well as The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award, as both changed hands for the first time in eight weeks. NoKe, of course, now has the ignominy of looking after the “Soda Can” Award for this brutal loss.

With interleague play concluded for 2024, it’s now time for us to get back into our tough divisional races. After this week’s contests, two teams sit at 7-3, three are 6-4, four are 5-5 and two are definitely on the outside looking in at 4-6. It’s anyone’s race at this point, with seven teams within two games of top-dog status with five more weeks to go. I’d hate to be a bookmaker for this one, but it might be time for me to download the GMG FanKing DraftDuel app to make a few extra shekels for Christmas.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Well, well, well, if it isn’t old Mean Gene back for another crack at the National Holley League, coming to you live from the sold-out Pontiac Silverdome! Last week’s show from the Kingdome in Seattle was an absolute doozy, folks, and I tell you, we’ve got another dandy waiting for you next week live from Houston, Texas, at the Astrodome! Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, though, as we still have this week’s action to cover, and it’s a week where I’m not the only old dusty thing from the fight world brought out of retirement – more on that later. My back has a bit of a crick in it – after all, I did request to be buried face down so that the critics could kiss my ass – but no matter, let’s get right in to this week’s action!

Starting things off with who would take over the vacant United States Championship, Hillbilly Blitz was eager to take their bald eagle energy into this contest against the Destroyers in a 2 vs. 1 handicap match. The Destroyers brought numbers to the fight, as the Colts D (20) and TE Will Dissly (18) led the offensive attack for their group. Despite not having the services of George Kittle, the Blitz fought valiantly, with WR Jamarr Chase (26) putting in work early before having to sub out and let QB Jalen Hurts (20) finish the rest of the match on his own. The 49ers (17) ran interference ringside and WR Ladd McConkey (18) did a great job coaching from the apron, as Hillbilly Blitz got a 120-95 win and hoisted their new intermediate strap high.

Next up, a “Family Affiar” Grudge Match saw The Richmond Will Holleys (pay no attention to the name) play host to God’s Country in the second clash this year for Holden family dominance. God’s Country started out with some strong efforts, as RB James Cook (19) did some dirty work with a ground and pound routine while WR Xavier Worthy hit some high-flying maneuvers. QB Matt Stafford (26) was quite the ring general himself, commanding his tag team partners with precision. TRWH responded in kind, as QB Jared Goff (34) kept tabs on everyone inside the squared circle, with powerhouse RB’s David Montgomery (24) and Chase Brown (18) using their substantial bulk to crush the opposition. Without Marvin Harrison, God’s Country was fighting an uphill battle all day, and TRWH capitalized with a 145-96 win.

Finally for the Keenan show, Franco’s Italian Army, the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Champion, faced off against Cream Of The Crop, the ICW-ICWA Texarkana Television Champion, in a bout to unify the two championships. The Cream definitely invoked the spirit of 27-time Texarkana champion “Sweet ‘n’ Sour” Larry Sweeny, with WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (39) wowing the crowd with his top-rope dives while RB Breece Hall (30) battered the opposition on the canvas. The Rams (20) did a great job of managing as well, keeping the run-ins to a minimum. The Francophiles, though, remembered the history of their strap, imbuing their efforts with the energy of all 485 previous champions, although perhaps drawing the most from 216-time-champion Shinobu and 215-time-champion Yuko Miyamoto (who once traded the belt between them 303 times on the same night). TE Brock Bowers (31), WR Puka Nacua (25), WR Juwan Jennings (25), RB Josh Jacobs (22), RB Austin Ekeler (19), and QB Brock Purdy (18) all took turns hoisting the DDT strap before coming together to soundly beat down the Cream, resulting in a 177-132 victory for the Francophiles as the new and improved ICW-DDT-ICWA Texas Iron Heavy Metal Television Champions.

Moving over the Wayne television taping, Rockme Gently Rockme Slowly faced off against NoKe in a tag team matchup. QB Joe Burrow (28) got things going early for Team Rockme, picking up the steel steps and using them to bash the competition. In the surprise of the week, however, NoKe’s valet, K Chris Boswell (24) got involved, snatching the steps away before picking up a steel chair and going absolutely bananas with it. QB Tua Tagovailoa (21), not wanting to miss out on the fun, grabbed a kendo stick from under the ring and started whacking anything that moved, and RB Jahmyr Gibbs and Lions D (18 each) brought a little Motor City Madness and started swinging sledgehammers all over the place. NoKe wins this one convincingly, 128-85.

Council of Steel squared off against Pack Rat Spider Banana in a Number One Contenders match to close out the taping. The heavy favorites from the Council proved why they deserved a title shot, with RB Joe Mixon (34) leading the way for their stable. QB Bo Nix (27), the Saints (19) and RB JK Dobbins (18) all added to the argument, as it looks like the Council might be a real threat for the big gold. Pack Rat Spider Banana, the underdogs, did their best to give the crowd a feel-good story, with RB Saquon Barkley (33) wowing all in attendance with his daring execution of the Crippler Crossface. The Vikings (20) showed off their Mjolnir Smash, and the unlikely duo of QB Drake Maye and WR CeeDee Lamb both pulled off simultaneous 18-point Figure Four Leg Locks that got the crowd going. It was the numbers game for the Council Of Steel, though, that proved the difference maker, as they are the Number One Contenders going forward as they triumph, 150-124.

Finally, I take a departure from the wrestling business to draw the aforementioned parallel to the Paul-Tyson fight, as we examine BlahBlahBlah taking on the Nerd Herd. The B’s, the champions in the hearts of all fans but lacking the recent results to back it up, were set a nigh-impossible task to step in against the new hot property in the Nerd Herd. While showing early flashes of power from WR Cooper Kupp (28), QB Josh Allen (25) and the Ravens (21), the B’s just couldn’t quite put together 8 rounds of octane to keep them in it. The Herd just had to sit back and give 80% each round, using the efforts of WR Jerry Jeudy (26), the Texans (26), QB Justin Herbert (24), WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (21), and RB Devon Achane (20) to take the judge’s decision, 141-125, in a contest that was perhaps better left consigned to our imaginations after all.

Well folks, I’ve enjoyed my time here, but I think it might be best if I returned back to my dusty coffin. After all, some say that stones are best left unturned, and in my case, the years have not done me a kindness and I do NOT look good on camera. Perhaps that’s to be expected when you reanimate a corpse that’s been dead and gone for thirty or forty years. In the event that the league sees fit to bring me back, I look forward to it again, and my only request is a bit more time in the makeup room as I can’t help the way I look, but should this be the final time you hear from me, I wish you all farewell, and frankly, you can go screw yourselves, because we’re out of time.

Signing off,

“Mean” Gene Oakerland

I’ve got my annoying Yank ex-inlaws coming to visit this week for American Thanksgiving. I’ll have to tell you all about it next week though – I don’t have any time to spare since I need to repair the hole in my trailer roof over the spare bedroom I’ve been using as my indoor grilling space. No chit chat, on to the rest.

In our Wayne action this week, Rockme Mama hosted Council of Steel to kick things off. The Council got off to a slow start, before the Seahawks D (27) and QB Bo Nix (19) provided a little more muscle as the contest continued. The Rockin’ Mamas started out loud with 20 from WR Nico Collins and 16 from the Commanders D, but they immediately had to turn the party down after the neighbors made a noise complaint (Quentin Johnson actually just rode his wagon wheel of a zero straight home). The Council gets the win, 104-85, to maintain top spot in the division, and with that loss, Rockme Mama is officially eliminated from the playoffs. RIP to Rockme Mama.

In a contest featuring two parent-child GM’d franchises, NoKe played host to BlahBlahBlah. The B’s were looking for a glimmer of hope in what has otherwise been a season of woe, and while RB Tony Pollard (21) and WR Cooper Kupp (18) did their best to brighten the mood, spirits are still down over in Talkin’ Town. NoKe didn’t have a whole lot more firepower at their disposal, with 24 from RB Jahmyr Gibbs, 25 from TE Trey McBride, and 18 from the Chiefs D being a majority bulk of their points haul. NoKe takes a win here, 113-87, in a game that both teams would probably like to have back.

GM Kirk left me with a great soundbite after this week’s matchup against defending champs Nerd Herd – “I found the key to win 12 games a year – it’s just to score like 175 points every single week!” Thanks for that brilliant insight, I would have never figured that one out on my own. Pack Rat Spider Banana certainly brought the pain, with 19 each from QB Baker Mayfield and the Vikings D, 25 from RB Bucky Irving, 29 from WR Courtland Sutton, and 45 in what was a career day from RB Saquon Barkley, who posted 225 rushing yards, 4 catches for 47, and two scores. The Herd wasn’t going to go quietly, though, turning this one into an absolute barnburner. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (19), RB Devon Achane (20), K Will Lutz (22), QB Jayden Daniels (30), and the Texans D (36) absolutely lit up the score sheet to make this one a down to the wire nail-biter. The Pack Rats called just the right plays to somehow squeak out a 172-169 win, which sounds ridiculous to say, in our most high-octane game of the year, keeping them just barely clinging to playoff life at 5-7.

Over in the Keenan, Franco’s Italian Army looked to clarify the playoff situation on the road against God’s Country. The Todd Squad relied on TE Zach Ertz (15) and 23 from the Cardinal D to put up a high barrier to entry, and hoped to hold it. The Francophiles, meanwhile, posted 20 from WR Puka Nacua, 27 from QB Tua Tagovailoa, and 28 from RB Josh Jacobs in a very strong effort. FIA cruises to a 140-110 win, putting them in the Keenan conversation moving forward.

The lately resurgent Hillbilly Blitz was also on the hunt for a piece of that pie, and they knew they would need to climb over this week’s opponent, The Richmond Will Holleys, in order to do it, in another installment of the Confederacy Commonwealth Classic. The Free Willys laid it all out on the table to start things off, gambling that their show of force from WR DJ Moore (26), RB David Montgomery (16) and the Steeler D (16) would hide their lack of a second running back. The Blitz seemed initially shocked by this, but got their game faces back on in the late going and posted 18 from K Nick Folk, 20 from TE George Kittle, and 22 from WR Jacobi Myers in route to a 119-105 win, claiming top spot in the Keenan.

That top spot had previously been occupied by Cream Of The Crop, who were looking to stop their recent backslide against the Destroyers. The Cream really got things going early, with 26 from QB Patrick Mahomes and 19 from RB Aaron Jones, before RB Ameer Abdullah added 16 more. The Destroyers had plenty of catchup to play, leaning on 21 from QB Lamar Jackson, and 22 each from WRs AJ Brown and Terry McLaurin. This one was another game that absolutely came down to the wire, but the Cream has once again risen, taking the final 119-117.

The carbon monoxide is starting to make Aunt Doris feel sick, so I think I need to get the grill out of there now that the roof is patched. Assuming we survive until next week, I’ll tell you how my jerked moose went over. All you Yanks, enjoy your turkey day.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

As mentioned last week, I had to host my former in-laws this past week for American Thanksgiving, or as we in Canada call it, Thursday. I’ve always liked Bob, even if he is a little weird - he claims to want to come up here to get away from the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving, but still wants to celebrate it, and then says he wants to bag some deer when our season is pretty much in the last week. His new wife Kathy, though, is a total nightmare, constantly complaining about the cold and scared that a moose is going to eat her (which, to be fair, is a distinct possibility around here given how close the nuclear plant is). I finally got them back on their way down South a day or two ago, giving me just enough time to recover, collect my thoughts, and drink 4 bottles of Alberta Premium to cope with the cumulative stress. So in deference to my true-blue, stars-and-stripes audience, here’s this year’s Thanksgiving whiparound. 

Starting out with the race for the Keenan title, Hillbilly Blitz hosted God’s Country to have a bakeoff for the top spot. The Todd Squad’s unconventional recepie for a Thanksgiving key lime pie took some people by surprise, but it was still a pretty big hit. WR Mike Evans (25) did a great job with the filling, RB James Cook (18) made a good graham cracker crust, and WR Marvin Harrison (17) made some whipped cream from scratch. Hillbilly Blitz went full chef mode, with RB Bijan Robinson (25) bringing a homemade pumpkin pie, RB Najee Harris (24) whipping up a stellar example of Grandma’s Famous Apple Pie, and WR Jamarr Chase (20) made a delicious carrot cake. In the end, three triumphed over one, and Hillbilly Blitz takes the win, 139-121, officially eliminating God’s Country from the tight playoff race. RIP to God’s Country. 

Cream Of The Crop had The Richmond Will Holleys over for an awkward family dinner. In the week leading up to this matchup, TRWH offered a trade that GM Will reportedly rudely spurned, claiming that it was unfairly balanced. Eager to extract revenge, RB Alvin Kamara (15) and WR DJ Moore (23), two-thirds of the offer, feasted on the big day, with WR Tyreek Hill (20), RB Chase Brown (19), QB Sam Darnold (19), and the Steelers (19) getting in on the fun. QB Patrick Mahomes got a quick plate at the beginning, but the rest of the Cream players went home hungry and disappointed. After the matchup, GM Laine was asked about the sentiment in the locker room, to which the response was “I was just trying to help...[not accepting was a] certified bozo moment.” Ouch. TRWH wins this one, 155-102, and looks to be the top contender for a Keenan wildcard, while the Cream now needs to win out and get some additional help to stay in the hunt.

Franco’s Italian Army took the trip to visit the Destroyers for the holiday, and were handsomely rewarded as a result. TE Brock Bowers (30), QB Tua Tagovailoa (25), WR Keenan Allen (24), the Bronco D (22), and RB Josh Jacobs (21) all brought delicious side dishes just to gobble them up before their hosts could. Destroyers WR Terry McLaurin (27) did a great job on the turkey and QB Lamar Jackson (21) made a great cranberry sauce, but TE Will Dissly accidentally put refried beans in the pie instead of canned pumpkin. The Francophiles are victorious here, 166-116, and stay in the hunt, while the Destroyers find themselves in a precarious playoff position.

In the Wayne, NoKe was looking to keep their win streak alive as they headed out to face off against Pack Rat Spider Banana. Since they still have their Halloween cobweb decorations up, the Pack Rats perhaps unsurprisingly set out a spread of stale candy leftovers and a bowl of fruit - not the meal anyone was expecting. PRSB RB Bucky Irving (30) at least had some king size Mars Bars for everyone, and WR Jayden Reed (19) at least got actually fresh fruit, but there were some upset stomachs after this one. NoKe TE Trey McBride (21) was the only one that bothered to make anything from scratch, but RB Kyren Williams, WR Drake London, WR Davante Adams, and the Chiefs at least picked up some very tasty sides from the nice grocery store in town. NoKe wins convincingly, 144-116, officially eliminating Pack Rat Spider Banana. RIP to Pack Rat Spider Banana. 

In a contest of futility, Rockme Mama and BlahBlahBlah decided to do things the Canadian way (finally, someone has to) and forego the Thanksgiving-ness altogether and watch a rebroadcast of the Scotties Tournament of Hearts from 2018, a classic in the curling world. The B’s emulated the East St. Paul CC wildcard team, with strong performances from QB Josh Allen (26) and TE Jonnu Smith (19). Rockme Mama took after the St. Vital CC team from Manitoba, as the Commanders D (21) swept the way for QB Joe Burrow (18) at skip and WR Nico Collins (19) at second. Just like prior results with East St. Paul coming up just short after an improbable run, the B’s fell at the final hurdle, continuing their season of woe, as Team Rockme triumphs 116-109.

Finally, Council of Steel dueled Nerd Herd for top spot in the Wayne. Nerd Herd showed up the house early, made their first plate before the parade was off on the TV, and then went back for seconds, thirds, and fourths before dessert. Herd WR Jerry Jeudy ate an entire 40-point pie all by himself, QB Jayden Daniels (24) ate both of the turkey legs before anyone else could, and RB Devon Achane (20) had more mashed potatoes than anyone else put together. The Herd were so hungry that they barely left anything out for their guests to eat, consigning Council RB Joe Mixon (21) and WR Brian Thomas (18) to pick through the scraps so they could at least get a decent meal. The Herd thunders to victory in this one, 157-100, taking over first place in the standings.

Whoof, I feel fat just thinking about all that food. I made some American classics for the visitors, along with a few Canadian delicacies like poutine and salmon. I’m never one to turn down a good meal, even if it means a few loonies and toonies out of my pocket. We certainly ate like kings, and I could do with packing on a few extra pounds to keep the cold away this winter. With only two weeks left in the regular season, it’s definitely time for me to get on that train to Poundsville. 

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

No exposition this week. So much drama this week in the standings, and it’s got me way too riled up to care about anything else.

It’s the time of year for it, so let’s start out with some early holiday cheer. BlahBlahBlah hosted Pack Rat Spider Banana in a duel between two teams already making their January vacation plans. With little else to play for until Week 16, they at least decided to put on a decent show for the crowd. PRSB’s Bucky Irving and Jayden Reed weren’t really on board with the idea, but thankfully RB Issac Guerendo (26), WR CeeDee Lamb (21), and QB Baker Mayfield (18) were still in mid-season stride and dazzled those in attendance. Perhaps unsurprisingly, some of the B’s players found it equally difficult to motivate themselves, but WR Cooper Kupp (20) and the Titans D (19) did plenty to entertain. The real star of the show, however, was BlahBlahBlah QB Josh Allen, who posted 342 air yards for three TDs as well as 82 rushing yards for three MORE TD’s in a 52-point performance. With the Fire God putting the team on his back, BlahBlahBlah was finally able to break the curse, as they take their first win of the campaign 151-114.

Defending champs Nerd Herd played host to the already-eliminated Rockme Mama in our next Wayne matchup. Stuck in a similar holding pattern until after next week, the Rockme crew were at least hoping to play spoiler and make their mark in the playoff picture through unconventional means. QB Joe Burrow’s 23 points were the high water mark for this squad, with 20 from WR Darnell Mooney coming a close second and K Matthew Wright supporting with 16. The reigning title holders, however, were eager to prove why they deserved to repeat, and are gunning for that #1 seed. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba had an extremely strong day with 20, the Dolphins were stout with 19, RB Devon Achane continues running up the stats with 18, and WR Jerry Jeudy had a 17-point outing. The Herd take a 128-105 win, and with it, have stamped their ticket to the postseason. Congratulations to Nerd Herd – playoff bound!

Closing out the division, Council Of Steel and Noke squared off to determine who would be the other top dog in the Wayne in 2024. Both teams came roaring out of the box, but it was NoKe who kept their foot on the gas all the way to the end. WR Justin Jefferson (32), WR Davante Adams (25), RB Kyren Williams (23), and the Chiefs D (21) all had stellar days and kept the pressure up. When presented with said pressure, the Council of Steel looked more like the Council of Tinfoil, with Dandre Swift, Jonathan Brooks, and Tyler Lockett folding immediately. QB Aaron Rodgers (19) and the Saints D (19) did their best to keep their squad in it, but to no avail. NoKe rolls to a 174-96 victory, and officially punch their two-man ticket to the big dance. The Council is still hanging on by a thread, but they no longer control their own destiny and will need significant help from the Keenan to get there. Congratulations to NoKe – playoff bound!

Over in the Keenan, Hillbilly Blitz was looking to defend their divisional top spot at home against the Cream of the Crop, who have started to spoil in recent weeks. Both teams were hit with late injury calls, leaving them shorthanded, but with the Cream a little more desperate, there were some risky gambles that did not pay off. Return specialist WR Kavonte Turpin did not deliver as promised, and return-man-come-running-back Kene Nwangwu was thrust into the lineup totally unprepared and didn’t get a single touch. The Jags D (17) and RB Aaron Jones (16) tried to salvage what they could, but it was too far gone. The Blitz once again relied on the services of TE George Kittle (21), QB Jalen Hurts (20), and RB Bijan Robinson (19) in a strong outing, but it was WR Jamarr Chase who posted yet another career day with 44 points. The Keenan is still a little too close to call at number one, but with the Blitz’s 147-79 victory, one thing is certain – the Cream has definitely not risen to the top, as they find themselves eliminated. RIP to Cream of the Crop.

Franco’s Italian Army, the other leading contender for the division title, hosted The Richmond Will Holleys, also looking to sneak their way in to the festivities. This game quickly turned into an absolute barn-burner, with the scoresheets covered in more tick marks than I’ve seen in a while. The Free Willys extracted great performances from QB Sam Darnold (32) of all people, as well as WR Tyreek Hill (27), RB Chase Brown (23), RB David Montgomery (19), and the Steeler D (18), much to the Francophiles’ displeasure, I’m sure. The Italian Stallions responded in kind, posting 19 from the Bucs D/ST, 23 from Nearly Headless QB Tua Tagovailoa, 24 from RB Josh Jacobs, 28 from WR Jauan Jennings, and an impressive 41 from WR Puka Nacua. With the scorer’s pencil worn down to just a nub, the totals were totted up, and Franco’s Italian Army emerges the victor, 176-152, taking them (and the division) just out of reach of The Richmond Will Holleys. RIP to The Richmond Will Holleys.

The Destroyers weren’t in control of their own destiny heading in to this one, but they knew one thing – lose to the visiting God’s Country, and their season was finished. With that hard-fighting mentality, they set out to turn this matchup into something resembling an old AFC North grit-fest, and boy did they succeed. Both top RB’s posted 20 points (James Conner for DEST and Chubba Hubbard for GC), one more player added 15 (DEST RB Rico Dowdle to GC’s QB Jordan Love), and then everyone else just kind of…hung out. Dinking and dunking for a few points here and there, both teams seemed evenly matched and played small ball until the end, where the Destroyers emerged the winners, 84-79. The team gathered around the locker room TV and waited with bated breath – only to see their divisional rivals expand the gap into an insurmountable gulf. Despite the hard-fought win, it was too little too late for the Destroyers, as they too join the long line of woe this week. RIP to the Destroyers.

With one week to go in the regular season, here’s a quick recap of where everyone stands. BlahBlahBlah has two things to cheer about – their first win of ’24, and their surefire lock on the #1 pick in 2025. The Destroyers, Richmond Will Holleys, and Cream of the Crop need to dry their tears this week as they join the B’s, Rockme Mama, God’s Country, and Pack Rat Spider Banana in the reject pile. Despite what the odds say, it’s actually Franco’s Italian Army that finds themselves on the thinnest ice, as they enter a must-win game – a loss puts them out either by record or by tiebreak, but they have the clearest path to the postseason. Council of Steel has multiple, extremely convoluted routes to the playoffs, but effectively need a win or some significant help. Even though the bookmakers don’t like the numbers, Hillbilly Blitz are in a win-and-in scenario, but could still sneak in with a high-scoring loss AND a CJS loss, as they hold a “average points for” tiebreaker over the Council. The Blitz and the Army face off in Week 15, with the winner taking the Keenan and a guaranteed playoff berth. Finally, NoKe and defending champs Nerd Herd already know they’re dancing, but have a final week showdown for the Wayne title and the #1 seed in the postseason.

Hold on to your butts, folks, this is getting good. The final week of the 2024 regular season is upon us.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With the holiday season upon us, it’s everyone’s favorite time of the year - time to travel. Seemingly no matter where you go, snarling traffic, long lines, delays, and cancellations abound from the smallest towns and regional facilities all the way to the likes of Toronto and NYC. Thankfully, with the rampant nature of DWI’s in the family, the few remaining Shufflers tend to live within easy walking or sledding distance of each other, since it’s easier then trying to catch a local racoon and getting it to blow into the car collar to start it (although the racoons around here don’t always blow zero’s, either). I pity those among you who are staring down the barrel of a long trip this time of year - might I recommend a combination of grey-market Valium dropped into a half-full can of Coke, filled back to the top with Alberta Premium, to ensure a vaguely pleasant experience? Drivers, boat captains and those operating aircraft, lower your dosage accordingly - seemed to work for Denzel in that flying movie.

Starting things off with the teams stuck in a holding pattern, Cream of the Crop and God’s Country had to settle who would be stuck at the back of the line in the Keenan. After both teams flirted with the divisional lead earlier in the year, the mighty have fallen harder than a Malaysian Airlines flight into the ocean. The Cream figured they might as well try a few things, and signed up for a week of the Famous Jameis Experience, which got them nowhere. WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (37) and the Falcons D (32), on the other hand, delivered a first-class experience, and RB Aaron Jones and K Chase McLaughlin (18 each) lent a helping hand. GC WR Mike Evans (36) was travelling in the express lane, with RB James Cook (25) right on his back bumper and QB Jordan Love (17) doing his best to keep up in regular traffic. It was a shorter trip to God’s Country that got them a 137-131 win, but the Cream scored just enough in their loss to keep their average points up and beat the Todd Squad in the final standings on tiebreak.

The Destroyers certainly had major case of road rage, and took it all out on The Richmond Will Holleys (but then who wouldn’t, if you had to drive on that stretch of I-95 where it’s combined with I-64 through the Commonwealth’s Capitol?). QB Lamar Jackson (33), RB James Conner (31), the Cowboy D (27), WR Terry McLaurin (26), and WR AJ Brown (25) were all crammed into the world’s angriest Family Truckster as they sped down the road. The Free Willys did their best to slow them down, but RB Chase Brown (25) just got cut off and stuck in the backup. The Destroyers set a new speed record with their 199-107 win, good enough to take possession of the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award for top score of the year, as well as The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 92-point margin of victory - a strong way to close out their year. 

Rockme Mama and Pack Rat Spider Banana got together for a little pre-holiday commiseration at missing the playoffs, with both teams trying some experimental recipes in a low-stakes situation. The Pack Rats are definitely going to stick with their Banana Rat Bread recipe when the family comes over, after quickly deciding not serve Lions Punch, parking their -8. (Starting them would have broken the league record for worst-ever player score, and would have also “won” them our only “Taxi Squad” award for the year - good move to keep them on the pine. - W.) CeeDee made his Lamb chops (26), and the Chargers (20) made their electric lemon tarts, that will both certainly be holiday hits. Rockme’s WR Devonta Smith (27) served up a bird’s nest soup that went over well, and WR Nico “Tom” Collins (17) handled the drinks. It was a low-key affair enjoyed by all, but it was PRSB that were the last to leave in a 108-97 victory.

NoKe and Nerd Herd were already in their final descent into Wayne International Airport, but it was just a question of who got to touch down first. Captain Malik Nabers (24) and his Texans cabin crew (24) had ensured a smooth flight, QB Jayden Daniels (21) and WR Jerry Jeudy (21) were the only ones sitting in first-class, and WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (18) and TE Sam LaPorta (18) were happy since they got a free checked bag on Nerd Heavy Haul Lines. However, Air NoKe caught a 42-knot tailwind from Tropical Depression Davante (Adams), carrying RB Jahmyr Gibbs (28), the Chiefs (28) and WR Justin Jefferson (20) swiftly to their final destination. NoKe takes the win, 181-152, and with it, the divisional crown. Congratulations to NoKe - your 2024 Wanye Duke of Sealand Cup Champions. 

Speaking of, across town in the Keenan, Hillbilly Blitz and Franco’s Italian Army were sprinting through the terminal to see who could snag the last standby seat on the flight to Trophy City. Blitz QB Jalen Hurts (28) managed to sweet talk TSA into letting him use the PreCheck line, while the Eagles (21) all piled on to one of those electric carts for disabled people. WR Jamarr Chase (18) was relegated to running on foot, but he sprinted along the moving walkways to gain himself some extra time. Brock Purdy and Jauwan Jennings got “randomly selected” at secuirty for the Francophiles, but that wasn’t gonna slow them down. WR Puka Nacua (17) convinced the check-in desk to put him in boarding group A, and RB Josh Jacob (21) was able to take the service elevator and shortcut half of the walk through the terminal. The Bronco D (34) pulled off the all-time move, commandeering the rental car shuttle to drop them off on the tarmac right next to the air stairs for the flight, meaning the Francophiles were the ones all buckled in when the plane started to taxi. With their 119-111 win, Franco’s Italian Army takes the Keenan honors, and Hillbilly Blitz would have to wait with bated breath to see if they had done just enough to sneak in to the postseason. Congratulatins to Franco’s Italian Army - your 2024 Keenan Duke of Sealand Cup Champions.

Finally, our last intra-familial battle of the fates in this regular season saw Council of Steel, clinging to playoff dreams, pitted against the femmes fatales of BlahBlahBlah in a battle for Stehlar stardom. The Council hopped out to an early lead thanks to 32 points from WR Brian Thomas and an additional 27 from the Saints D, and hoped that they had done enough to stamp their ticket, with help from the FIA. BlahBlahBlah, in recent years, have been Dash For Cash dandies, but saw no reason not to start warming up a week in advance. With 19 apiece from WR Romeo Doubs and TE Jonnu Smith and 22 from the Ravens D, it was the 42 points from Fire God Josh Allen that finally sent the Council’s hopes up in smoke, as the B’s close out the year on a two-game win streak, 132-109. With the Blitz outscoring the Council in their respective losses and holding the scoring tiebreak in hand, BlahBlahBlah still got to leave their mark on the playoffs as they eliminate the other half of the household. RIP to Council of Steel, and congratulations to Hillbilly Blitz - playoff bound!

With our playoffs set, it’s #1 NoKe taking on #4 Hillbilly Blitz in the early slot next week, followed by #2 Franco’s Italian Army versus defending champs #3 Nerd Herd in primetime - hopefully that gives you something to watch on the seatback TV on your flight, or in your rented party bus on the family Tacky Light Tour outing. The 2024 Dash For Cash starts next week as well, with the remainder of the league squabbling over the stocking stuffer prize. Speaking of stockings, for those of you flying in the near future, keep your eyes peeled in the sky - NORAD doesn’t seem to have any problems tracking Santa on radar on the 24th, but they can’t seem to nail down these totally-not-Russian-or-Chinese drones that keep appearing near military installations, so just make sure your captain doesn’t try to ingest one into the left engine at speed.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With Yueltide cheer abounding, it’s time for everyone to get into the spirit of the holidays. For some it’s easier than others - those nutty Fighting Irish can draw on their deeply entrenched following of faith and football, celebrating scores as well as Touchdown Jesus’ birthday. For others, it’s culturally significant foods that signal the season - many have ham or turkey, the Quebequois insist on being obnoxiously French and eat ragoût aux pattes de cochons (pig’s feet stew, for those that speak a civilized language), and the Japanese go buck wild for KFC. For yours truly, I drink mulberry wine starting at 9 AM on the 24th and stop when I see a magic moose flying over the trailer, usually about an hour after the sun goes down. Thankfully, I’ve recovered well enough to bring good tidings to all the little boys and girls of the NHL, just in time for the big day. So for those of you stuck with the in-laws on the 25th, now you have a nice, long, semi-official looking piece of writing to point to on your device of choice and say “sorry, it’s work”, giving you a perfect excuse to run outside, smoke a couple darts, and regroup before you have to go back in there.

Starting things out with the 2024 Dash For Cash (brought to you by Enron Financial Services), let’s take a look at things in reverse order.

#8 - BlahBlahBlah - 81 points. The B’s finished the season on a two-game hot streak, but they might have jumped the gun with that pair. AR5 and Liquid Gus were parked, leaving the bulk of the scoring up to the Ravens D (21) and TE David Njoku (14). With no one else eclipsing 12, the B’s certainly didn’t love their coal-filled stocking.

#7 - Cream of the Crop - 101 points. Talk about not living up to the name...perhaps they should have changed their name to Chunky Homemade Eggnogg of the Crop this week. With little to lose, the Michael Penix experiment went more limp than an unwatered Christmas tree, and Jaylen Waddle took an early holiday vacation. The Falcons D (30) and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (19) brought plenty of presents for all, but not too many folks went home happy.

#6 - God’s Country - 115 points. The Todd Squad office White Elephant had mixed results. RB Chubba Hubbard (32), RB James Cook (25) and K Brent Aubrey (21) all went home happy with their loot, but Khalil Shakir, the Cards D, and Kyle Pitts definitely were on the short end of some present swaps. 

#5 - Council of Steel - 120 points. Fresh off their late elimination, the Council decided to get together to support each other during the holidays. Alec Peirce took the day to himself to be with family, but WR Brian Thomas (28), K Jason Sanders (21), QB Bo Nix (19) and the Seahawks D (18) all had a great time together, exchanging nice gifts. Dandre Swift and Travis Kelce did only get socks, though, and Joe Mixon got a fruitcake.

#4 - The Richmond Will Holleys - 125 points. The River City Renegades took a few gambles this week in an attempt to post a respectable score, and about broke even compared to their standard fare. Swapping Ameer Abdullah for Kendre Miller was a little questionable, but WR Jameson Williams (25) in for Amari Cooper was a great option. QB Jared Goff brought 25 more presents, and WR DJ Moore (14) also had a nice contribution to the pile. The Commonwealth Kids are in a good position going into the back half of the holiday challenge - just gotta make it to New Years’.

#3 - Destroyers - 131 points. The Destroyers packed out their holiday cruise room block and got things started on a high note. RB James Conner (25) managed to get everyone to try karaoke the first night, WR AJ Brown (23) was buying rounds at the bar, WR Tee Higgins (19) cleaned up at the casino, and WR Terry McLaurin and QB Lamar Jackson were both able to buy 17 presents at the ship’s duty-free. Hopefully the boat stays norovirus-free and in calm seas for the duration.

#2 - Rockme Mama - 144 points. The Rockme crew were opening so many points presents, they must have felt like they were celebrating the eight nights of Hannukah. WR Zay Flowers (15), TE Dalton Shultz (15), the Jets D (16), QB Joe Burrow (20) and RB Jonathan Taylor (39) all got to open their progressively more exciting presents as the game went on. Who knows what the finale will bring for them, as they are in a great position to challenge for the top spot - or is it that tallest candle in the middle of the menorah?

#1 - Pack Rat Spider Banana - 156 points. Santa must have hitched his sleigh to a bunch of Pack Rats instead of his reindeer this year. RB Saquon Barkley (27) played Rudolph, leading the way, while the Packer D (25), QB Baker Mayfield (22), RB Bucky Irving (17), WR CeeDee Lamb (17) and K Brandon McManus (14) all fell into line behind him. PRSB enjoyed a great night of setting off NORAD radars everywhere, making sure all the good little girls and boys got more than a few fantasy points in their Christmas stockings this year. With a 12-point lead, the Banana Boys are in a great position to take the consolation prize.

Starting our meaningful matchups with the number one seed, the heavily favored NoKe played host to Hillbilly Blitz, eager for their first taste of postseason glory on the road. With the Blitz being the freshest face in the NHL, it was perhaps not a surprise that youthful exuberance got the best of them - although maybe not in the way anyone expected. Instead of being the disappointed little kid on Christmas morning that didn’t find his Santa request under the tree, the Blitz as a team looked a little bit more like a Dad who hadn’t completely woken up yet falling down the stairs and blowing a knee while trying to get the Christmas coffee started so he can cope with the in-laws. The appropriately-named Jalen Hurts and Nick Folk spent their Christmas morning at the doc, while Jakobi Myers, Najee Harris and the 49er D had to spend the day ferrying them back and forth instead of opening presents. TE George Kittle (18), WR Jamarr Chase (21), and RB Bijan Robinson (23) still managed to maintain the Christmas spirit for the Blitz, but the damage was done. NoKe, on the other hand, absolutely remembered the reason for the (post)season, posting impressive totals up and down the board. WR Justin Jefferson (36), RB Jahmyr Gibss (24), the Chiefs D (23), QB Kyler Murray (21), RB Kyren Williams (19), and WR Davante Adams (19) all happily tore into their packed stockings and ripped open wrapping paper all morning. With just about every kid around the NoKe tree happy with their holiday loot, it was a day full of good tidings and cheer for one squad, as NoKe walks away with a 164-90 win. Hillbilly Blitz might have been abruptly shown the door, but they can hold their heads up high, overcoming a frankly shocking start to the season and turning it around in the second half, and holding a rare NHL distinction as a first-year franchise that made a playoff run.

In the 2/3 show, the defending champs of Nerd Herd went on the road against Franco’s Italian Army. The Francophiles were certainly getting in to the Christmas spirit, but instead of focusing on their gameplan, they might have spent a little too much effort focusing on cooking their Feast Of The Seven Fishes instead. QB Brock Purdy (21) did a great job with the lobster, TE Brock Bowers (20) made a delicious calamari dish, and RB Josh Jacobs (19) kept his salmon moist, but Wilson, Jennings, Eitienne, and the Broncos all overcooked their assigned courses.The Herd might have had one reindeer come up lame in Jerry Juedy, but QB Jayden Daniels (31) and RB Devon Achane (31) more than picked up his slack, hauling the big sack of points. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (23) and RB Derrick Henry (20) also took their turn with the big red bag, and the Dolphins D (16) did a great job as a group getting all the presents wrapped neatly, nicely, and on time. The Herd pitter-pattered their way across every rooftop in the land, getting all their deliveries done in short order and giving them plenty of time to get home to celebrate their well-deserved win, 164-117. 

So, with the tissue paper picked up, the dishes washed and put away, the aunties and liquored-up uncles sent back home, and the tinsel still glittering on the tree you pulled out of a planting bed in a mall parking lot, Christmas comes to a close and we have our marching orders for the final week of NHL action. Pack Rat Spider Banana leads the Dash For Cash, with Rockme Mama and the Destroyers in close pursuit. Hillbilly Blitz goes on the road against Franco’s Italian Army for the bronze. And then to cap off what’s been an exciting year, live from the Scotiabank Saddledome, the defending champs of Nerd Herd will look to repeat against former back-to-back champions NoKe in The Big Game At The End Of The Year, as both powerhouses strive to take home The Commissioner’s Championship Trophy For The Best Team This Year Award. Get your popcorn out, folks, this one’s going to be a dandy.

A non-denominational Happy Honda Days to you all, and many happy returns.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

As the new year dawns upon us, I’d like to take a moment to sit back and reflect on what an outstanding 2024 season we’ve had here in the National Holley League. Our year started out with a tale of two divisions, with total parity in one and massive stratification in the other (that’s your two-dollar word of the day from me). As the season played out, the standings developed into a close race for the playoffs that dazzled all who dared watch and kept me on the edge of my ever-teetering seat. Normally, I shake from the DT’s, but this season I found myself shaking with excitement at what the final weeks would hold. I was also shaking from the DT’s, but never you mind on that - I’m just running a little low on my stash of Aunt Mabel’s bathtub gin and I’m trying to ration what I’ve got left in preparation for my annual snowbirding. With Champ Week behind us, let’s take a look at how the final edition of NHL action shook out in 2024.

Starting things off with the 2024 Dash for Cash, let’s take a look at who’s climbed the ladder or ridden the slide down.

8th - BlahBlahBlah - +90, total 171. The B’s really did pick the wrong two weeks to get hot, as this one was another unfortunate regression to the mean. The injury bug has hit this squad the hardest this year, and with 5 players in the shop (including 2 starters) options were limited at best. The Ravens D (24) and QB Josh Allen (22) did their best with what they were given, but it’s a disappointing close to what had already been a disappointing year.

7th - Cream Of The Crop - +85, total 186. Go figure that Patrick Mahomes would pick this week to finally justify his roster spot with this squad, and after burning GM Will all year it’s perhaps no surprise that he was relegated to the pine in favor of the Michael Penix experiment once again. Another team regressing to their prior standard, with underperforming QB’s and backs, with WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (20) carrying the load.

T-5th - God’s Country - +114, total 229. Consistency is key with the Todd Squad, after posting 115 last week. Two very close competitive scores here, with WR Mike Evans (29) and TE Zack Ertz (25) being the big movers while WR Marvin Harrison (15) brought up the rear. God’s Country certainly stayed in the fight, although this won’t be the result they were hoping for.

T-5th - Destroyers - +98, total 229. On the contrary, the Destroyers had a much more up-and-down run in the Dash For Cash. After hanging a strong number in the first half, the Destroyers thought they had something on the back of 40 points from WR Tee Higgins and 28 from QB Lamar Jackson. Unfortunately, that was where the scoring stopped. While the -3 posted by the Colts D won’t take home any hardware, it’s certainly worthy of derision - and it cost their team dearly on their annual budget cap as the Destroyers slide down 2 spots.

4th - The Richmond Will Holleys - +125, total 250. Once again, consistency is key for the Holden clan. The Free Willys posted a pair of 125’s during the Dash For Cash, this week relying on the efforts of QB Jared Goff (25), WR Jameson Williams (24), RB Ameer Abdulluh (17), and 17 from Dicker the Kicker himself. 250 is certainly a competitive number, and kept the River City boys in the conversation right up until the bitter end.

3rd - Rockme Mama - +109, total 253. After sitting in the number two spot in the first half, the Rockme boys knew they’d have to swing for the fences to take over the top of the list. QB Joe Burrow (37) and RB Jonathan Taylor (27) certainly delivered, but some of the other gambles didn’t quite pay off. Devonta Smith’s and the Raiders D’s points were sorely missed for this group, as they fall to third in the standings.

2nd - Council of Steel +136, total 256. Talk about getting hot at the right time. QB Bo Nix (18), the Seahawks D (21), TE Travis Kelce (22), WR Brian Thomas (23) and WR Alec Peirce (24) all gave it 110% in their final outing of the year, posting a very healthy total to challenge for the door prize. Unfortunately for the Council, it was too little too late as they had a big hill to climb, but this was a great effort to jump 3 spots in the rankings and an exciting way for them to close out the year.

1st - Pack Rat Spider Banana - +129, total 285. Call it collusion, corruption, or controversy, but league VP Kirk is going home with some money. After taking everyone else to Gapplebees’ in the first half, WR Courtland Sutton (16), the Chargers D (17), record-breaking RB Saquon Barkley (18), RB Bucky Irving (22) and QB Baker Mayfield (32) all did their part to make sure the Rats extended their lead over the rest of the Pack. Two very strong performances to take home some cheddar is sure to make these rodents happy this offseason.

With the undercard out of the way, we got our appetizer game as underdog and league newcomer Hillbilly Blitz took on NHL stalwarts and heavy favorites of Franco’s Italian Army in the bronze medal match. The Francophiles have used a healthy rotation of players throughout the year, and this week was no exception, as Chad Ryland and Rasheem Blackshear got some game snaps in. QB Brock Purdy (30) was slinging with peak efficiency, and WR Puka Nacua (22) was snagging anything thrown remotely in his direction as has become his new normal. TE Brock Bowers (14) also did his best to chip in, snagging 7 balls for 77 yards. Across the aisle, kicker Nick Folk might have gone off for vacation early, and sub quarterback CJ Stroud and Najee Harris may have underperformed, but it didn’t amount to any less pressure from the Blitz. WR Ladd McConkey (29), RB Bijan Robinson (23), WR Jamarr Chase (19), TE George Kittle (19), and WR Jakobi Myers (17) all harassed their opponent from wire to wire. Hillbilly Blitz ran a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ out of the treeline, down the laneway, and right on down to town, snagging a bronze medal along the way as they win 136-111. 

With the lights dimmed, the smoke machines blowing, the pyro going off, and the music blasting, it was time for the main event you’ve all been waiting for - the final faceoff for The Commissioner’s Championship Award For The Best Team This Year Trophy Award, aka The Big Game At The End. The challenger’s corner was occupied by NoKe, a proud franchise with no shortage of experience in title matchups, and the only previous repeat winner, looking to keep it that way against their opponents. On the other sideline, we had defending champs Nerd Herd, looking to repeat as top dogs and join NoKe on that illustrious list. Both teams came in to this contest red-hot after effectively running away with the Wayne division together, and fresh off a Week 15 preview where they had previously done battle. NoKe got the better of the Herd in that matchup, so they knew they had a ready-to-go gameplan that was tried and tested. They certainly stuck with it out of the gate, as WR’s Justin Jefferson and Drake London posted 17 each in a deadly duo of pass catchers. QB Kyler Murray contributed 18 points to the aerial assault, while RB Jahmyr Gibbs (25) pounded the opposition on the ground. The Chiefs played shutdown D, scoring 28 on the back of a pick, 2 forced fumbles and 5 sacks, and that all meant the coast was clear for TE Trey McBride to get plenty of opportunities with the rock, as he snagged 12 balls for 123 yards and a score enroute to a 30-point game. The Herd certainly weren’t just going to roll over and let it happen, however - they owned the crown and they were willing to defend it for all they were worth. TE Sam LaPorta kept things physical in the backfield as well as clearing space for himself in the flat, posting 18 points, while the Dolphins D more than did their part to stymie the opposition, scoring 20 with the help of a sack and two turnovers. RB Derrick Henry continued on his career year, posting 23 points on the back of another game well over 100 yards, and QB Jayden Daniels continues to be a sight for sore eyes in DC as his 30 points stacked the pile higher and higher. It was WR Malik Nabers, though, who had the day to remember, with 7 grabs for 171 and a pair of scores - good enough for 36 points. As these two titans traded blow after blow, this absolute barn-burner came right down to the wire, with the crowd rising as one as they whipped themselves into a frenzy. When the dust settled, one champion emerged - the absolute studs of NoKe are your first ever three-time NHL champions, their very impressive season culminating in a 163-154 victory as they hoist the trophy high. 

My sincerest congratulations to NoKe on their impressive achievement, and to the rest of league for their stalwart dedication to making this the most interesting group for a washed-up hack like myself to cover week in and week out. With this season in the books, it’s time for me to hitch up the old abode and start my annual slow crawl down to the deserts of Arizona. Maybe I’ll make a stop off in Vegas along the way - I know they’ll convert my loonies and toonies into chips before they go back to being freedom eagle dollars, and they tell me there’s a hockey team there now. What sense it makes putting an ice rink in the middle of the desert, I’ll never know, but maybe my feeble Canadian brain will be right at home. Only one way for me to find out, and that’s to make the trek. I’ve certainly enjoyed this year with you all, dear readers, and assuming I don’t lose the shirt off my back at the slot machine, I’ll be glad to cover this cast of characters once again come next fall. Until then, on behalf of the departed and oft-reanimated Mean Gene Oakerlund, and draft expert L.L. Piper, this is Atom Shuffler, saying goodbye for now, but it’s the way she goes, bud.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider