2026

Heeeeeeeeeeere’s Atom! Did you miss me?

That’s right, dear readers. I’ve survived yet another frigid Sasketchewan winter, no thanks to a lone propane heater in my trailer. The spring thaw came a little late this year, and the summer sun (and rain), despite its best efforts to cook me alive (and subsequently wash me away in a flood), didn’t get the better of me. The ongoing drought, however, is certainly wreaking havoc for miles around – upcountry degens keep showing up in the trailer park and stealing both my rain barrel and bottled water to nourish their crops, leaving me high and literally dry on the weeks I can’t catch them before they escape with their ill-gotten gains. They’re harder to spot this time of year compared to the winter months – a straight-piped Silverado blends in to the normal trailer park traffic better than a 2-stroke snowmobile, on account of all the stolen catalytic converters around here – but when you follow one of those trucks with a “Locally Hated” sticker in the back window to a weed farm, you know it was degens that took your H2O (degens don’t grow anything else, in case you were curious). As the fall freeze is just now beginning to set in up here, that can only mean one thing – the start of another exciting season of NHL fantasy football contests. This marks not only the 10th season of NHL play, but also my 10th year of covering this fine organization, truly a monument to blind stupidity, wasted effort, and fruitless struggle - *checks notes* - sorry, that was supposed to be hope, dedication, and ingenuity. That sounds right.

As ever, the season had to begin with the annual NHL Draft. Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman, who I refuse to refer to by his full title because he’s insufferable, was once again on hand to welcome the hordes of fans to what marked a decade of NHL existence. This year’s firing squad – err, loyal fanbase, sorry – pulled out all the stops for the Big RSB, pelting him with the usual assortment of rotten fruits and veg, an admittedly wasteful half-finished beer, and paper airplane with “Love Bomb” written on it, which was pretty funny. I have some concerns about the person who somehow managed to throw a small child onto the stage (I hope that thing didn’t belong to you, your spouse might have some questions), but more than one person decided to fire a brick up there, and to those fans, I salute you – I’d throw a brick at the Commish too if not for the restraining order keeping me 500 meters away from him at all times. I should go to the gym more, I can’t throw that far…yet. Thankfully, our draft analysis specialist, L.L. Piper, was on hand to observe the picks on the day of, so it’s over to him for a paragraph to tell us about what happened on day zero. Mr. Piper?

Thanks, Atom. The 10th Annual NHL Draft was a fun one, with plenty of interesting action, but a few things stood out to me. First of all, I’m a big naysayer, so I want to throw out my front-runners for The Laine Holden Memorial “Are You Sure About That?” Draft Award for the worst pick of the year. The B’s pick of K Brandon Aubery at 7.7 was an obvious massive overpay (despite the fact that he’s clearly the best kicker in the game, just WAY too early), but TE Tucker Kraft at 4.3 for Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese screams panic pick to me and might be the most expensive pick in this draft. Rockme going with the Texans D/ST in the 8th left me scratching my head, as did the B’s going with 3 TE’s as well as Ranger Flyer going with 0 QB’s after keeping Jordan Love. Speaking of the B’s and their TE’s, however, I’m a big fan of what they did from round 9 on, getting a ton of value off the board late, especially in the last two rounds – something I threw into Atom’s premium BSPN Gold column after the draft. Since we’re doing a bad/good theme, Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese might have had the steal of the draft with QB Baker Mayfield at 15.9, and RB’s Z. Charbonnet (Ranger Flyer) and T. Spears (Nerd Herd) also look like stunning values in the final round (although Spears quickly found himself on a new roster). GM Laine’s franchise with another long-ass name was the first in NHL history to benefit from a pick trade from a prior season, using their second round 5 slot to pick up RB Bhayshul Tuten, which I rate as an excellent choice at the 5.8, especially since they were stealing it away from their division rivals who gifted it to them. And speaking of those division rivals, since they were a man short on their roster, they had to hit the waiver wire right after the draft, but since the wire doesn’t have a spot on my Big Bored, that must mean I have to hand things over to Matthieu Baie for a moment. Monsieur?  

Merci beaucoup, Messieurs Conduit et Brouiller. L'Usine de Marquer de Larry Csonka was of course forced to sign an additional undrafted player otherwise forgotten by the rest of the league, much like the concept of a free Quebec, but of course I digress. The tres rapide pickup of KaVontae Turpin is one that I think was the best possible get post-draft, and the fact that he was an UDFA shocked me even with the league’s changed rules regarding kick and punt returns, especially given his special teams proclivities in 2025. NoKe was also quite active on the wire following the draft, signing the likes of P Logan Cooke and K Trey Smack to the roster, two savy pickups of special teamers with énergique legs. NoKe also snapped up new free agent RB Tyjae Spears, while Franco’s Italian Army found veteran depth on the wire with RB Alvin Kamara 24 hours post-draft. There were plenty of other moves heading into Week 1, but I would be achieving nothing more than making the fanbase impatient by waffling on any more, so it’s back to Atom to kick things off with his dedicated accounts of all the Week 1 games. M. Brouiller, over to you.

The inaugural game of the season was certainly full of sights and sounds for the throngs of delighted fans, ready for the return of NHL football action. Rockme Mama played host to defending champs NoKe in the first contest of the year, and it delivered in spades. High-scoring offense abounded, most of all courtesy of NoKe QB Caleb Williams, whose 4-TD, 37-point day was good enough to earn him preliminary honors for the “You Got Rocked” Award. RBs Jahmyr Gibbs (33) and rookie Ashton Jeanty (32) brought the “pound” to ground-and-pound, punishing the defense with the run, and leaving open field for TE Isiah Likely (25) to ply his trade. The Rockme boys boasted a powerful ground game as well, with D’andre Swift (32) and Bijan Robinson (28) doing a great job of delivering performance while carrying the rock. This also left some room for the air attack, as WR Chris Olave continues to excel at the position, putting up a healthy 28 points in this contest. Rockme suffered from a woeful effort on the other side of the ball, however, as the Texans D/ST (-1) posted our first negative score of the year and start out the season not-so-strong with sole ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT. The champs start their season with a W, 179-158.

Sticking with the Wayne, Nerd Herd was eager to put their 2025 season behind them as they faced off against hosts BlahBlahBlah. Unfortunately for the B’s, they seem to still be stuck in their woeful ways of the past, in no small part due to the medical absence of star TE Brock Bowers. Matt Stafford and Rico Dowdle also heavily underdelivered, but shining bright spots stood out with WR’s Stefon Diggs (15) and Nico Collins (20), giving the B’s something to look forward to for the rest of the season. The Herd min-maxxed their numbers harder than a pocket-protector-wearing DnD fanatic, leaning heavily on flex WR Parker Washington (19), the Steeler D/ST (26), and ageless RB Derrick Henry (34), while the rest of the roster save Joe Burrow muddled along in their wake. Given the B’s troubles, it was more than enough this week, and the Nerds start off the year on top, winning 134-79.

Let’s jump over to the Keenan for a moment, as our first matchup of the year on that side of the aisle took place between Hillbilly Blitz and the visiting Destroyers. Both teams scored plenty in the early window – the Destroyers opened with 35 from QB Josh Allen, 28 from RB David Montgomery, and 18 from TE Dalton Kincaid; while the Blitz kept it close with lots of chip players and 19 from RB Bucky Irving. The Blitz came storming back, though, led by 23 from QB Jalen Hurts and 31 from WR Justin Jefferson, as the Destroyers responded with 15 from WR CeeDee Lamb. This game came down to an X factor, although maybe in this one, we should call it the “K” factor – Blitz kicker Evan McPherson had a 20-point career day, banging in all 3 of his XP’s and a perfect 4/4 on FG attempts, including 2 50+ yarders. A hard-fought contest here, with the Blitz coming out on top, 143-137.

In a battle of long-standing Canton inductees, Franco Harris’ Italian Army played host to the munchkins from Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory. The Francophiles, fresh off another juggernaut season, turned to the old ways, grinding out production from the hardnose RB’s of Javonte Williams (24) and Kyren Williams (15), while the tight end Dallas Goedert smashed and bashed his way to 23 points off just 4 catches. The Csonka Emporium, meanwhile, had to get a little more creative and whimsical, inventing new ways to score across multiple positions. Yes, WR Mike Evans (16) was your plain-jane chocolate bar, but RB Chase Brown (18) did most of his work as a pass-catcher, TE Trey McBride (24) turned in a wide-receiver-esque game, and WR Amon-Ra St. Brown posted 28 on mostly short-yardage action. With neither team excelling on special teams or at the QB position, the inventiveness of the Munchkins earned them a Week One W, 128-104.

Since we mentioned one NHL co-Vice President, let’s check on the other, as newly minted Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese started their year on the road against Council Of Steel. I don’t know if the stench in the room was because somebody cut the cheese, the cheese was moldy, the team stunk, who knows – but this game was an absolute STINKER for the Singles. With QB Baker Mayfield’s 13 points being the only double-digit score for this squad, their woeful 72-point total gives them solid ownership of The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award and a strong case to hold it until the end of the season. The Council didn’t escape their opponents’ stench of defeat unscathed, as TE Colston Loveland posted a goose egg, but the rest of the roster seemed to be able to plug their noses (thankfully). RB Breece Hall generated 19, recently relocated WR DJ Moore put up 21, WR Christian Watson had 32 in a return to form and the field, and RB Kenneth Walker scored 33 in his futile quest for a 200-yard rushing day (but he came close). The Council handily win this one, 154-72, more than doubling up the Kraft Lovers and taking over The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 82-point margin of victory, thus banishing the Singles to also hold the requisite “Soda Can” Award for their crushing defeat.

So far, we’ve gone fun game, blowout, nail-biter, fun game, blowout – so that means we must be setting up for another nail-biter, right? You’d be correct, dear reader, as we take a look at our primetime matchup for Week 1, this one also being the first edition of the newly-renamed 2026 Holden Family Hoedown. Why did I rename it? Well, because both of the franchises involved are bearing new monikers, of course! The Todd Squad, now going by Ranger Flyer, hosted the – jesus christ, what am I looking at – Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar? Clearly, that’s a team that could only belong to GM Laine, so we must be in the right place. The Lone Rangers were Flying high early on, as WR’s Zay Flowers and Jaxon Smith-Njigba led the aerial assault with a pair of 26-point games. QB Jordan Love served as air traffic control, posting 19 points, while the Jags D/ST kept things shored up on the other side, effectively executing all 19 ground operations roles. The Gender Seminar Students started out by being strongly offended with some strong offense, with the most vocal among them being RB Travis Etienne (15), RB Jonathan Taylor (24), and QB Lamar Jackson (27), before getting defensive playing strong defense with a 20-point outing from the Seahawks D/ST unit. With the Holden Hoedown coming down to the wire, the Boosie Boys (and Girls) take a narrow 2-point defeat at the hands of Ranger Flyer, 139-137, earning them the preliminary honors for The Deus Ex Machina Award, still presented by WD-40.

Folks, I don’t know what else to say. It’s the start of a finish of a decade of a truly wonderful creation, and I can’t begin to express how excited I am to share it with you all. I’m battening down the hatches of my mobile abode to prepare for another long, dark, cold, windy, punishing winter, but it fills me with nothing but happiness because it means that I get to do my favorite two things uninterrupted – write about the goings-on of the National Holley League, and generate new empty bottles of Alberta Premium (those weren’t in any particular order). Now, if I can just hide a few more cases of water bottles before the first freeze cracks them and I can make sure the degens won’t steal them, I should have enough to make it to next May, so forgive me for cutting this short, but I’ve got to take care of my winter supplies – at least until next week when the frost sets in.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

As the cooler temperatures start setting in, everyone across the land starts to make their seasonal preparations. Of course, that means different things for different people living in different places – you Yanks might be getting out the flannel shirts and pumpkin decorations for the first time this year, but with the autumnal equinox just mere days away that means it’s time for yours truly to make sure the snow thrower is running in tip-top shape, and that the insulation around Cousin Ricky’s grow-op trailer hasn’t sprung any new leaks since the spring. I’m glad I looked now before it got too much later in the cold season, since the carb on the old Husky Varny is all gummed up with what looks like maple syrup, and Ricky tried to turn some of the insulation into spliff filters for us over the weekend. Speaking of that, the secondhand smoke from the hash/insulation combination must have gotten to my brain a bit – despite clear numerical evidence staring me in the face, I accidentally gave credit to the wrong Holden for winning the first half of the 2026 familial Hoedown. GM Todd pointed out this minor clerical oversight to the league office, who then overreacted by dispatching my feared nemesis Willy straight to my front stoop (the Sasketchewan Community Corrections Board is now privately subcontracting probation and parole enforcement to Easy Way Out Bail Bonding, apparently). After 6 pepperballs to the face and being put through something that insane Floridian called the “zipcuff gauntlet”, I can assure the general reading public that I won’t make such a mistake again anytime soon. Probably. (The Office Of Team and Media Relations preemptively corrected Atom’s article from last week, before submitting it for preservation in the NHL Archives. We apologize for Atom’s error and will be sure to swiftly punish any further such similar mistakes. -W)

Kicking off our second week of divisional action with the Keenan, Franco’s Italian Army played host to the Destroyers, who were all too eager to live up to their moniker. QB Josh Allen led the scoring charge with 37 points, quickly followed up by TE Dalton Kincaid with 22. WR CeeDee Lamb kept the pressure up with 35 more, and the special teams group (K/P/DST – 30 combined) did a good job making up for a lackluster run game, annihilating their opponents. This might have been overkill, however, as the FIA didn’t take much beating this week. WR Jaylen Waddle’s 21 points, along with 15 from RB Kyren Williams and 14 from WR Tee Higgins, accounted for more than two-thirds of the team total. Adding insult to injuries (most notably to FIA QB Jaxson Dart), the Destroyers more than doubled up the opposition with a 161-73 win, taking over ownership of The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award for their 88-point margin of victory, with the FIA thusly relieving the Krafties of the requisite “Soda Can” Award.

Next up, Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory took their production on the road to face off against the Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar in the “Bowl For Long And Confusing Team Names Game, presented by Goospis Energy”. Both teams clearly share more than just naming conventions, as their gameplans also seemed largely similar. Underperforming flashy QB name, check (LCTF’s Drake Maye (9) and TIHJrGSS’ Lamar Jackson (15)). Stud player pops off for big points, check (Larry’s WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (35) and Torrence’s RB Jonathan Taylor (29)). 18-point tight end, check (Factory’s Trey McBride and Students’ George Kittle). How about a double digit kicker? Yep, Team TD trotted ten tallies out with Will Reichard, compared to 16 gender-affirming points from Chase McLaughlin. The only true difference maker in this game was the use of high-fructose corn syrup, which energized a Wonky Csonky Panthers D/ST to put up 35 on the back of 3 picks, 3 sacks, a forced fumble, and a house call TD, enough to tip the scales in their favor. LCTF takes this one, 144-118, and were seen in the locker room chugging and spraying each other with an alarming number of cans of Goospis “3XXXtra Strength” – hopefully there’s no lasting effects from consumption and/or exposure there.

Wrapping up the division, Ranger Flyer had their home opener against Hillbilly Blitz. Another squad living up to their name, the Blitz might have went off a little half-cocked, but boy did they bring the pressure early, scoring all but one of their points in the early window (RB Kimani Vidal was the lone straggler). With 26 from WR Jamarr Chase, 16 each from WR Garrett Wilson and QB Jalen Hurts, and 12 from K Evan McPherson in what’s shaping up to be a breakout year for him, the Blitz left quite the Hill for the Todd Squad to climb – but hey, they didn’t rename themselves to Ranger Crawler, did they? WR’s Jalen Coker (16) and Devonta Smith (27) led the way on the upward climb, as their teammates joined in the push to the peak. The squad finally blasted off from the top of the mountain, Flying high for the second week in a row due in no small part to the sky-high 42 points tallied by WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba, who hauled in 9 of 11 for 155 yds and 3 scores. His efforts were good enough to boost the Lone Rangers to a 135-111 win, and secure ownership of The “You Got Rocked” Award for the best individual performance of the year.

Over in the Wayne, Rockme Mama prepared to open their building for the first time this year against the NHL’s only actual mama, as GM Steph (with daughter and assistant GM Zoe) helmed BlahBlahBlah on the road. Normally, the B’s stand for “Blah”, but this week, it stood for “Blood”, which it seemed like this squad was out for. The Killer B’s might have started out slow, but quickly started pouring on the pain, with TE Jake Ferguson (20), WR Stefon Diggs (21), RB Christian McCaffery (22), and QB Matt Stafford (26) all lining up to take their best shot before WR Davante Adams (39) delivered a knockout blow. Team Rockme stood strong in the early going, boasting plenty of points from QB Dak Prescott (27), WR Chris Olave (22), and TE Sam Laporta (17), but as the B’s onslaught continued, the Rockme boys faded down the stretch. Girl Power reigns supreme in this contest, as the B’s take a 180-125 victory and earn themselves The Troy State Run ‘n’ Gun Award for the high score of the year.

I made fun of them for their all-enveloping stinky smells last week, but as NoKe welcomed the Singles to their building for week, I think it’s more appropriate to call this team a Love-Kraft-eque horror, as much like the Call of Cthulu, both teams seemed to be sucked in to the vortex of the Call of Casu Martzu – with a total combined score of just 165, several other teams this week could have given both rosters a run for their money and the B’s would have handily beaten them. J.L. LoveKraft’s little monsters terrified scorekeepers and bookmakers alike, as RB Omarion Hampton (17) was one of only three players in double digits and the only one to breach the 11-point mark, Jayden Daniels (11) and George Pickens (10) being the other offenders. At least there weren’t any goose eggs, or negative rushing totals – something which NoKe can’t claim, as WRs Drake London and Emeka Egbuka both were charged with carrying the ball in the wrong direction. Yes, the swirling funk of the Singles further enveloped their opposition this week, sucking NoKe down into the horrors of sub-100-point fantasy football. The only thing that woke fellow auteur Matthieu Baie from this fromage-indued nightmare were the 23 points on offer from RB Jahmyr Gibbs, just enough to give NoKe an 88-77 edge here. NoKe remains unbeaten, while the Singles are still on the hunt for thier first win of the year – but be forewarned, instead of beating you, they may just drag you down to the dark, funky depths of thier level instead…

Finally, the Nerd Herd went on the road to face off against Council Of Steel. Things started out rough for the Council, with two 1’s and a goose egg (WR DJ Moore got injured, so not entirely their fault) in the early going. The Lions D/ST really hurt the Council’s bottom line, however, with their negative one point earning the stakeholders joint ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT . With it all left to do, the Council did finish the later quarters strong, led by 25 from TE Travis Kelce as well as 23 more from RB Kenneth Walker. For the Nerds, it was all a numbers game – get on top early and stay there. RB’s James Cook (20) and Derrick Henry (16) got them out front to kick things off, with WR Parker Washington (15) and QB Brock Purdy (29) keeping them well ahead of the competition. With the Council voting inconclusively at the close of business, it was the Nerd Herd who came out on top, remaining unbeaten with a 139-93 victory.

Lord only knows what I got wrong this week, but hopefully it’s not enough to prompt any more “correctional action” from the league office. That crazy blonde mullet man strapped some sort of science fiction device to my leg before he left, claiming it was a “drug monitor.” All it seems to do is beep occasionally and spit out catchphrases telling me that “winners don’t do drugs” and to “stay off the ice, kid” – don’t know how that’s going to work out when beer league practices start up in a few weeks. It did seem to freak out when I sprayed parts cleaner all down the carburetor of the Husky, the damn thing zapped me and told me that huffing chemicals was dangerous and in violation of some Florida penal code. I’m not sure that’s so applicable up here in SK, but just the same, I might have Ricky get this thing up and running for me – I don’t think a little Brakleen is going to do anything to him that hasn’t already been done. Until then, I’ll bide my time, pay my dues (and legal fees), and see what the next week of NHL action brings us all.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider    

I see my southern neighbors still can’t figure out what to do, now that you’ve opened the Pandora’s Box of monkeying around with college sports. Seems to me like you had a pretty good system in place, but as soon as money started getting involved everything went off the rails. Granted, I think the player developmental system up here in the Great White North is far superior to yours (like pretty much all other established institutions), but then we really only have to worry about hockey and lacrosse when it comes to fairly compensating our young athletes. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, why not just ditch the educational affiliation and form major junior leagues for football? You can pay your players, it would be regulated properly, and you could give them all appropriate healthcare – wait, there it is, right there. No chance. Americans GIVING someone healthcare? What next, you Yanks are going to let a developing country find oil and just keep it for themselves? Don’t think so. I don’t know if your “Protect College Sports Act” is going to work, but maybe before you protect college sports, you should protect college athletes – and in a more literal sense. Watching that kid from Oregon get blasted by a USC defender over the weekend is a prime example of what needs fixing before the money stuff, although it did remind me of some of the wild plays from the OG 2001 flavor of the XFL. Maybe some of those rules relaxations need to make a comeback in a different league, or we just need to resuscitate the XFL again for the third time. I’ll set Mean Gene’s stasis machine to “thaw” and see if he can put in a good word with Mr. Macmahon for me.

Speaking of devastating hits and hospital balls, injuries abounded in our first game of the week between Hillbilly Blitz and the visiting Studious Seminarians. The Blitz’s Jalen Hurts and Mark Andrews both claim they’re no worse for the wear after spending some time in the blue medical tent, but their game scores tell a different story. Bucky Irving is carrying an injury tag after sitting out a majority of his game this week, and despite leading the team with 26 points, WR Garrett Wilson didn’t escape unscathed either after bonking his head. WR Jamaar Chase’s 24 were the most scored by a healthy player, but with 6 players scoring single digits, the Blitz called for a doctor in the house. Unfortunately, the only one available was a doctor of the liberal arts who had just graduated from the Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar, and those folks don’t believe in modern medicine, the patriarchy, or holding a logical debate on any topic other than 19th-century female English poets. TE George Kittle (26) battered the opposition even further and inflicted additional damage, with QB Lamar Jackson (20) following close behind to apply herb poultices and throw away whatever antiseptic medications he could find. RB Bhayshul Tuten (16) began to perform a traditional Cherokee healing dance before RB Chubba Hubbard (14) stopped him and pointed out that it was cultural appropriation, leaving the Blitz players to fend for themselves. The Seminarians take a victory here over the Blitz, 121-99 – their first of the 2026 campaign.

Keeping it in the Keenan, the Destroyers went on a trip to take a tour of Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory. GM (and trip chaperone) Mike B reminded his players to be on their best behavior and to not touch anything, but come on, they aren’t named the Destroyers for nothing. WR Matthew Golden (21) pressed a big red button that slowed down points production, WR CeeDee Lamb (20) accidentally contaminated the room where they develop new end zone celebrations, QB Josh Allen (19) did a touchdown dive into the employee cafeteria which spilled a bunch of Munchkins’ lunches, and the Raiders D/ST (18) just shoplifted a bunch of stuff from the gift shop. Despite the setbacks, the Wonder Emporium continued to manufacture scoring chances at an alarming rate, with Csonka Csupervisors Tyler Shough and Jeremiyah Love both setting a 21-point example for their Csubordinates on how to perform under pressure. WR Jakobi Myers (19) made a strong case to be named Employee of the Month, and TE Trey McBride (16) in the safety office made sure that the floor stayed operational at all times. Even with the tour-related delays, the Factory pumped out another win, 126-105, remaining tied for the Keenan lead at 3-0 (spoilers).

Wrapping things up in the division, Franco’s Italian Army looked for their first win of the year against the visiting Ranger Flyer. Despite not being especially fond of either team, GM Todd’s rebrand of the squad certainly seems to have absorbed some of the long-term success of its two namesake iconic hockey clubs. The ground game for the Todd Squad might have been a big struggle this week, but fly high they did, led by 34 points from WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba. TE Tyler Warren (14), QB Jordan Love (17) and WR Deebo Samuel (18) also impressed in the air, and the Jaguars D/ST (21) kept things secure on the other side of the ball. The FIA had a somewhat different plan of attack, with 16 points coming from RB Javonte Willaims and 21 from RB Kyren Williams. The Francophiles certainly didn’t neglect the passing game, though, as WR Tee Higgins posted 21 and WR Michael Wilson was the team’s high scorer with 25 of his own. With a weaker supporting cast, though, the Francophiles came up a bit short, and Ranger Flyer remains undefeated with their 135-123 victory.

Over in the Wayne, Rockme Mama went searching for their first win of the year on the road against Council Of Steel. All members of the Council were present and accounted for at kickoff time, kicking off business with 22 from WR Christian Watson and 21 from RB Kenneth Walker before Tony Pollard and Travis Kelce voted for scoring approval. Despite everyone being there on time, though, several members decided to sneak out a little early, leaving K Eddy Pineiro’s 8 points as the high-water mark for the rest of the late window. Team Rockme stuck around a bit longer, having opened things up with an impressive 34 points from Bijan Robinson and 15 from the Texans D/ST. WR Chris Olave (19) and QB Dak Prescott (18) added on in the late window, while K Tyler Loop’s 12 points and game-winning FG sealed the deal. Rockme Mama picks up win number one for the season, defeating the Council 133-113.

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like. Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese took on the Nerd Herd in a battle of maximum efficiency, with both front offices combining to tally 197 out of a possible 200 percent efficiency rating (this data still being powered, of course, by our partners over at Scamazon Core Advanced Metrics). The Nerds were certainly channeling prime Fedor Emelianenko in this contest, doling out points with maximum optimization. QB Brock Purdy (29), TE Harold Fannin (24), RB Derrick Henry (21), RB James Cook (19), and WR Rashee Rice (15) formed a murderer’s row of statistical standouts, piling on points throughout the contest with no signs of stopping. The Cheese Eaters were more of a LoveKraftian horror again this week, and while they did very nearly achieve peak performance, theirs looked a little bit more like this version. The Broncos D/ST managed 23 points, RB Jaylen Warren put up 19, and 15 more came from WR George Pickens, but that’s pretty much where the scoring stopped for this squad. The Cheese was once again spoiled this week, as Nerd Herd takes a comfortable 152-116 win, remaining unbeaten in the Wayne.

Our primetime matchup also saw two highly efficient squads facing off, with one putting their unbeaten record on the line, as BlahBlahBlah hosted defending champs NoKe in a battle for divisional supremacy. The 4-time winners jumped out to an early lead thanks in large part to 28 points from WR Drake London, as well as an astounding 40 points from RB Jahmyr Gibbs, who rushed for 99 yards and snagged 7 passes for 65 yards while taking three trips to the end zone. Kyler Murray, Ashton Jeanty, and Aaron Jones all put forth effort to maintain the lead, leaving quite the mountain to climb for the B’s. Unperturbed, however, the B’s answered the call and then some, boasting a powerful lineup led by the return of TE Brock Bowers (27). Franchise cornerstone RB Christian McCaffery (21), the Vikings D/ST (20), and QB Jared Goff (19) all continued to drive the score upwards as the killer B’s came roaring back. WR Davante Adams dropped an additional 20 points to seal the deal, as BlahBlahBlah came out on top 141-123, knocking off the defending champs and vaulting them in the divisional standings.

Since I’m a little preoccupied with adjusting Mr. Oakerlund’s cryo contraption, I’ll hand things off to Matthieu Baie to close things out this week with his thoughts. Give us some words of wisdom, mon ami.

Today’s word of wisdom en Ainglais – the early bird is always get the coleslaw. No team exemplifies the opposite of this more than Franco’s Italian Army, whose escargot 0-3 start has seen their 66% playoff chances and 15% championship odds drop to just 5% and under 1% respectively. This is probably in no small part to facing the second-most points against (141.67 avg) while running the second-worst offense in the league (100 avg) through three weeks. By contrast, L’equipe de Todd, the Flyers Ranger, is off to a 3-0 start and has moved from a projected #11 finish up to a 47% playoff chance and the top of the Keenan, boasting the #3 offense (avg 136.33). NoKe and Les Amatuers de Fromage Kraft, meanwhile, have performed about as expected based on M. Brouiller’s pre-season predictions, with NoKe remaining up near the top of the pile and the winless Kraft Eating Surrender Monkeys squarely in the league basement. The Fromage Failures haven’t been helped by their anemic output of just 88.33 points per game while facing the 3rd most points against (131.33 avg). On the flip side, Nerd Herd sits at 3-0 with the top offense (141.67 avg) and the softest opposition (96 avg, the only one under 100). Tres interessant, Rockme Mama has the #2 offense in the league, averaging 138.67, but has faced far-and-away the hardest opposition, who average 157.33 pp/g, more than 15 more than the next closest average – surely GM Mark must be cursing his luck sitting at 1-2 and 6th overall. All of this goes to further prove that in order to be the one, one must beat the sun, and be the first one to have been the one to won. Tabernac, rhyming into the English c’est tres difficile…

Muchas gracias, Mateo. Nothing like outsourcing your labor to someone who’ll do the same job for loonies and toonies when you’d do it for a twenty. We’ll see you right here next week, after I’ve finished defrosting Mean Gene and given him a couple cups of Tim Hortons’ to finish waking him up. Until then, readers….

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a raucous crowd in the building tonight, as NHL action is emanating live from the sold-out SaskTel Centre here in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Hello and good evening, Mean Gene Oakerlund here, fresh from another deep freeze and all too excited to be back on the microphone yet again, and to join you all for what is said to be a pay-per-view card for the ages. The superstars are greased up, hydrated, and more than adequately dosed with questionable supplements, but we’ve had a late-breaking piece of news in the form of a major trade that may affect what happens tonight. To tell us all about it, we go to our backstage correspondent and NHL draft analysis supremo – he’s got both brains and brawn, a master of flipcharts and fisticuffs, and most importantly, he’s better than you and he knows it. Tell us what’s been going on, M.L. Piper?

Thanks for that kind introduction, Gene, and let me tell you, it feels good to be back in this storied building. Before things really get going properly, we had some late adjustments to the card, coming in the form of a blockbuster trade between Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory and the Torrance Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar just before curtain time. The Studious Students sent away QB Lamar Jackson, RB Travis Etienne, WRs Malik Nabers and Rome Odunze, along with a 2027 7th rounder, and received courtesy of Mr. Csonka himself QB Tyler Shough, RB Jeremiyah Love, WRs Malik Washington and Jakobi Meyers, and a 2027 6th rounder. At first glance, just going by name recognition, it looks like Boosie’s Bookclub got fleeced by the Cskoring Cszyndicate, and when you break the trade down just by draft pick value, it actually looks even worse – TIHJrGSS spends their 2026 2nd, 3rd, and 5th, their 2025 7th (by way of keeper) and their 2027 7th to get back LCTF’s 2026 3rd, 10th, 11th, their 2027 6th, and a guy from the waiver wire – the Bellyash Sports Bureau has that graded out as a 170.8-200 win for LCTF (53.125 is the ideal score, and lower is better. Worst possible score is 850. Yes, Bellyash also invented the scoring system for the original 0-147.3 quarterback rating stat.) But, when you look a little closer, this actually stands to benefit both teams, especially with one team in a win-now scenario and the other looking more towards the long term. Sure, Lamar might be the better quarterback here, but Shough is the fantasy hot hand, and while Etienne is proven, he’s parked in the blue medical tent for another few weeks while Love is the #1 back in his offense. Nabers is a top-flight wideout with favorable matchups for the rest of the year, but he’s saddled with an inconsistent QB situation, while Washington is the new hotness at the position and gunning to finish in the top 15 on the year at WR. There’s also some intrigue going into next year, as now both franchises will double their picks in either round 6 or 7, where there’s plenty of value to be had – those middle picks can make or break a championship team. Here’s some of what’s been on offer in those rounds over the past 5 years:

Notable 6th Round NHL Draft Picks:

·         George Pickens, Jaylen Waddle, Tucker Kraft (2025)

·         Keenan Allen, Brock Purdy, Javonte Williams (2024)

·         George Pickens, Alvin Kamara, Mike Williams, Chris Godwin (2023)

·         Tom Brady, Brandon Aiyuk, Adam Thielen (2022)

·         JuJu Smith-Schuster, Tom Brady, Dallas Goedert (2021)

Notable 7th Round NHL Draft Picks:

·         Rome Odunze, Travis Etienne (2025)

·         Tee Higgins, Jared Goff, Brock Bowers (2024)

·         Jerry Jeudy, Michael Pittman (2023)

·         Hunter Renfrow, Aaron Rodgers, Zach Ertz, DeAndre Hopkins (2022)

·         Odell Beckham, Antonio Brown, Devonta Smith (2021)

I’d also like to point out that these two franchises were involved in a pick exchange last year, which resulted in RB Bhayshal Tuten getting stolen away for great value in the 2026 draft, further proving that both of these front offices are no stranger to recognizing middle-round draft value. With those brand reassignments made and new tag teams aligning, I think we’re ready to send it back to Mean Gene at the announce table, joined on commentary by the Anonymous Raw General Manager. Gene?

Alright, my thanks to Mr. Piper, and with that covered, we start things off with BlahBlahBlah facing Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese for the interim NHL Television Championship belt. The Krafties got some classic heel offense in early, with TE Tucker Kraft (16) himself starting things off by “accidentally” spilling a ringside fan’s nachos, coating the ring in slippery yellow goop. RB Jaylen Warren ran the ropes 15 times, before QB CJ Stroud (23) was able to deliver a punishing clothesline. The B’s began to battle back though, sensing weakness after Kraft RB Saquon Barkley (-1) missed a leg drop. As the crowd starting chanting for the B’s, they started getting things going with some swift strikes from RB Christian McCaffery (15). TE Brock Bowers was able to wear down the opposition with a figure-four leglock, and QB Jared Goff (23) delivered a shocking frog splash to seal the deal and secure a 117-101 win along with the interim strap.

>Your attention please – an email from the Anonymous General Manager. Love Me Some Kraft Cheese is hereby awarded partial ownership of drawA “nataS liaH” ehT for Saquon Barkley’s -1 score.

Next up, Council Of Steel took on NoKe in an Over The Top Rope match. At first, NoKe appeared to be outmatched, taking punishing blows but doing their best to stay in it. WR Drake London (14) and RB Aaron Jones (14) kept them in the match, before RB’s Jahmyr Gibbs and Ashton Jeany delivered a pair of 17-point stereo superkicks to even things up. Not to be outdone on the kicking front, CJS K Spencer Schrader (16) laid in some stiff boots of his own to batter the enemy. QB Kirk Cousins (23) got out his signature Kirko Chains before being disqualified, but it was RB Kenneth Walker (30) who hit a big piledriver on the apron to put their opponents right where they wanted them. With everyone perched precariously on top of the ringposts, the whole tower began to teeter before crashing down to the exposed concrete – at the exact same time. Who had won? It was a 111-111 tie. The unindented result caused the Distinguished President Of The National Holley League himself, Commissioner Roger Stern-Bettman, to come storming down the ramp from the back, only to blow out both his quads while getting in the ring to yell at everyone. Eventually the ref was forced to call it, giving the tiebreak win to Council Of Steel as they had more total touchdowns, and also giving them ownership of The Deus Ex Machina Award for their close win. 

Next up, the Nerd Herd took on Rockme Mama in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. Things didn’t get off to a good start for the Herd, as Rashee Rice forgot what the match stipulation was and got DQ’d for setting up a barbed wire board in the ring, and Parker Washington and AJ Cole were scared of heights and refused to climb the ladders. Thankfully, K Jake Bates (18) was willing to pick up some slack, pulling out several steel chairs for RB Quinshon Judkins (21) to blast his opponents with. RB’s Derrick Henry and James Cook set up a table spot for QB Joe Burrow (24), who executed his dive to the waiting furniture below. The Rockme boys weren’t just going to take it laying down, though, as QB Dak Prescott (19) and WR Chris Olave (19) started doling out chair shots of their own. TE Sam LaPorta (22) started using a stepladder as a battering ram, and WR Romeo Doubs (23) used his oversized head to butt his opponents repeatedly. Finally, RB Bijan Robinson (27) put someone through the Spanish announce table, and that was all she wrote. Rockme Mama take a 154-116 win, handing Nerd Herd their first loss of the year.

The new-look Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar challenged Franco’s Italian Army for the CCPW Intercontinental Championship in our next match of the evening. While it was billed as a title match, it looked more like a handicap match – or maybe someone was going to be handicapped after it was all over. The Seminarians, to their credit, certainly put together a great performance, led by RB Chubba Hubbard (25) and RB Jonathan Taylor (22), each landing their own impressive set of suplexes. TE George Kittle (17) got a little creative on the top rope, and QB Tyler Shough (17) impressed with some high-flying of his own. The Francophiles, however, set out to make this more of a squash match, with the Packers D/ST (15) acting as ringside enforcers. QB Bryce Young (22) started out with a series of flying knees, while WR Tee Higgins (26) followed it up with stiff chops in the center of the ring. WR Puka Nacua (27) sent the opposition into the corner with an Irish Whip before RB Javonte Williams (31) hit a devastating spear to put them down for good. RB Kyren Williams (36) squeezed ‘em with the Camel Clutch to get the tap, and the Francophiles took a convincing 192-127 win.

> Your attention please – an email from the Anonymous General Manager. Franco’s Italian Army has been awarded the Troy State “Run ‘n’ Gun” Award for their 192-point score.

In a battle for the Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship, Hillbilly Blitz and Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory squared off to see who could become the 1,915th holder of the now-vacated title. (The previous champion, an actual building in Tokyo that hosts boxing/MMA, “vacated” the belt because it closed and went out of business as of 9/30/26. The building won the title after the building’s manager - who won it in the first place by sneaking into the ring and pinning the wrestler who had the title – decided to surrender to the building itself by laying on the floor while a ref gave a 3-count. I wish I was making this up. – W) The Blitz could offer little in the way of offense, with the high water mark coming from TE Mark Andrews at just 13. Seeming prepared to accept their fate in this squash match, the Blitz ran dangerously close to earning themselves a title of a different kind in the form a “Taxi Squad” award, narrowly escaping that fate. The Munchkins looked like midget wrestler extraordinaries this week, with QB Lamar Jackson and RB Chase Brown working well in their newly-formed 19-point tag team. WR Malik Nabers seems happy wrestling in his new promotion as well, posting an impressive 23, while RB Emmanuel Wilson (25), freshly signed from the indies, rolled up the opposition to get the pinfall victory. Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory takes home the hardware, and keeps their undefeated streak going, with a 134-77 win.

Finally, our main event of the evening had the Destroyers taking on Ranger Flyer for the NHL Heavyweight World Championship. These two beat each other to a pulp for the gold, with this match well-deserving of its 5-star rating from Dave Meltzer. Ranger Flyer, living up the name, got things going with some high-flying luchador action from WR Deebo Samuel (17), as the Jaguars D/ST (18) cleared out the ring for a clean landing. RB Alvin Kamara (22) hit a perfect tope con hilo over the ref, just in time to set up WR Zay Flowers (25) for the huricanrana. Not to be outdone, the Destroyers’ noted punch-in artist QB Josh Allen (17) laid some heavy leather while RB Ollie Gordon (18) held the opponent against the ropes, and K Will Reichard (19), while not the most physically imposing, ran interference ringside. The real showstoppers, though, came from WR CeeDee Lamb (41), who hit a pair of 450 splashes back-to-back, followed up by WR Tetairoa McMillan (43), who brough the Canuck crowd to their feet with a name-perfect Canadian Destroyer. That was the knockout blow to seal the deal for the Destroyers, who take a 162-146 win and hoist the Big Gold Belt to close the show.

> Your attention please – an email from the Anonymous General Manager. The Destroyers have been awarded the “You Got Rocked” Award for WR Terairoa McMillan’s 43-point score.

With another successful pay-per-view in the books, it’s time for me to return to the cold, dark recesses of my freezer pod. Hopefully, Atom Shuffler feels the needs to retain my services at least once more before the season is out – I hate missing the holidays and the frostbite is really starting to eat away at my feet. Until then, I’d like to remind you all to not try this at home, but I’ll be looking forward to the next time I can join you all In Your House with some more intense NHL action.

Signing off,

“Mean” Gene Oakerlund

NHL Lead Commentator

With shifting public opinion and a groundswell of support for the betterment of the game in athletic competitions of all types around the world, we’ve seen massive changes in the last few years across the sporting landscape. Advancements in player safety tend to dominate the headlines – the likes of football’s Guardian Caps and new concussion protocol, hockey’s visor mandate, open-cockpit auto racing’s halo and Aeroscreen, and the removal of the halftime show during Taliban-sponsored games of buzkashi (where convicted criminals were publicly executed via stoning) all immediately spring to mind. Another other major trend has also been developing, albeit more quietly but equally as important, with that being an increased focused on officiating transparency and accountability. Yes, soccer’s VAR system, the UFL’s always-on referee microphones, and MLB’s implementation of Hawkeye technology and ABS are all notable, and yes, the recent suspensions of NFL officials Jeff Seeman and Adrian Hill point to increased accountability, but the truly groundbreaking shakeup is of course the sweeping regulatory changes in how international curling matches are officiated. After the messy drama and controversy surrounding many of the matches played during the Milan Olympics this winter, the positioning, responsibilities, and roles of the umpires were all changed to prevent further instances of supposed double touching and stone fouling. Of course, we don’t need this in the domestic game, as we’re capable of policing ourselves appropriately…unlike those cheating Brits and Slovaks.

Closing out the NHL’s first block of 2026 divisional play, action opened up in the Wayne with Rockme Mama on the road against Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese, who were still searching for that elusive first victory of the year. After four weeks of rotten play putrid enough to make even the most hardcore of Quebecers say non (somebody call Matthieu Baie), the Krafties instead looked like a nice, mature cheddar in this game. 18 from the Broncos D/ST, 21 from QB C.J. Stroud, 28 from WR George Pickens, and an impressive 36 from RB Jaylen Warren all came together in a balanced, flavorful blend. The big story of the day, however, came kourtesy of Kraft Kicker himself, Jason Myers, who netted 23 points after making both his XPs and going 5/5 on field goals, the longest coming from 50 yards out. Team Rockme made a valiant effort, including their own strong performance from K Tyler Loop (14), with good outings from the likes of RB Bijan Robinson (15), RB D’andre Swift (17), the Texans D/ST (18), and TE Sam LaPorta (19). In the end, the Cheese refused to be cut down this week, picking up win #1 on the year with a 178-117 result. GM Kirk was so elated that he promptly left on a celebratory multi-day golfing vacation, and just to show there’s no hard feelings, he invited opposing GM Mark to tag along. Wonder if sharing the hotel room was awkward…. 

Next up, defending champs NoKe hosted the high-powered Nerd Herd. Eager to stay out front in the league scoring race, the Herd got right down to brass tacks, posting 4 20+ player scores courtesy of ageless wonder RB Derrick Henry (20), gamebreaker RB James Cook (20), high-quality QB Joe Burrow (22), and breakout stud WR Parker Washington (30), who snagged 6 balls for 124 and two scores. Not to be outdone, the two-headed monster responded in kind (despite P Logan Cooke’s goose egg), as NoKe benefited from the efforts of RB Aaron Jones (18), WR Drake London (18), and QB Kyler Murray (20). Speaking of two-headed monsters, though, NoKe certainly showed us one this week (although last week’s guest columnist Mr. Oakerlund would probably call it a one-two punch). With 11 catches for 94 yards and two TD’s, TE Isiah Likely wowed the crowd with 32, only to make way for a 37-point outing by RB Jahmyr Gibbs, who rushed for 151, snagged 5 passes for 56 more, and found paydirt twice. NoKe earns a well-deserved 155-128 win, climbing over the Herd in the divisional standings. 

Wrapping up the Wayne, BlahBlahBlah hosted Council of Steel for the first round of the 2026 Stehle Showdown. With both squads suffering an injury-related absence, both front offices looked to the remaining healthy players to pick up the slack. Unfortunately for the Council, they were an already banged-up squad with some crucial players on a bye, leaving the fellas with few options to turn to. WR Christian Watson did his best to emulate the classic Packer meme performance of Greg Jennings with his monster 32-point game, but with the next man up being kicker Spencer Shrader (who did manage an extremely impressive 21 points at the position), the boys were left feeling a little black-and-blue in the truest sense. Leaving the locks off for the ladies, the fearless femmes failed to falter, totting up a towering total trailblazed by talented tight end Brock Bowers with his terrific tally of twenty-three (and that’s all the awful alliteration I’ll achieve, for now.) QB Jared Goff managed a nice 26, WR Davante Adams turned back the clock with 22, and ever-present RB Christian McCaffery and the Vikings D/ST both posted 16 in supporting roles, leading BlahBlahBlah to take family bragging rights with a 139-106 win over the Council. Don’t look now, but the Killer B’s are 4-1 with a firm hold on the Wayne lead as we move into interleague play. 

Speaking of, let’s take a look at their opponents next week in Franco’s Italian Army, who were on the road this week against Keenan competitors Hillbilly Blitz in what turned out to be a nailbiter. Despite a woeful performance from RJ Harvey, the Hometown Hillbillies jumped out to an early lead, led by a return to form for fellow embattled RB Bucky Irving, whose 2-TD day earned a very strong 31 points. WR Garrett Wilson (23) impressed through the air along with WR Jamarr Chase (19), and despite being slightly hampered by a failed foray into the ground game resulting in -10 rushing yards, WR Justin Jefferson still achieved 16 points. Despite the best efforts of QB Jacoby Brissett (23), the Francophiles still lagged far behind late into this contest, leaving it all to the last minute on Monday night. RB Kyren Williams (18) was at least able to generate some momentum, but it was WR Puka Nacua who was the star of the show, staying busy with 17(!) catches for 138 and a score to net a total of 36 points. Even with Puka Power on their side, the Francophiles still came up just short and are likely kicking themselves after leaving enough points on the bench to have gotten them over the hump. The Blitz hang on here, taking a 127-123 win. 

In another matchup with some late-game intrigue, the Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar hosted some guest speakers in the form of the Destroyers. GM Laine’s post on Twaddle mid-Sunday, verbalizing the front office’s fear of setting a new league all-time low (6:27 PM - “I may have the rarely seen double-snake-eyes QB stack today” @KingOfMice) very nearly came to pass, and while Bo Nix did get some points, they languished on the bench while starting QB Tyler Shough went oh-fer. With WR Malik Washington (14) and the Seahawks D/ST (14) being the only performances of note, the Seminarians, even with their paltry 80 points, were still clinging on as they were more than 20 points ahead going into Monday. Thanks to their own offensive woes, the Destroyers had only managed to post 58 points, coming almost entirely from the combination of RB Ollie Gordon (14), K Will Reichard (16), and WR Matthew Golden (21). With little help coming from Dalton Kincaid, this one looked to be all over after QB Josh Allen got off to a slow start and looked human for once. As the clock began to run out, though, the CTE demons took over and Fire God Josh Allen made a timely appearance, leaving nothing but scorched earth in his wake as he burned his way back to a 30-point total, helped massively by his 121 rushing yards and a TD dive late. His late-game heroics were enough to put the Destroyers over the edge, as they escape with a 91-80 win, leaving the Boosie Boys despondent over what could have been. 

Finally, our primetime game of the week featured two teams at the top of the Keenan, as Ranger Flyer took the trip to visit the Larry Csonka Touchdown Factory. This game featured a return of Factory Foreman’s alter ego, Drake “Drake Maye” Maye, whose 38 points led the production line with a 5-touchdown day. Looking to keep up that level of efficiency, WR Malik Nabers generated an additional 29 points, WR Mike Evans manufactured 26, and TE Trey McBride kept things running smooth with 21 more. The Lone Rangers, eager to show off to the Munchkins that they could keep up, boasted some impressive performances of their own. TE Tyler Warren netted 21 points, WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba continued his impressive campaign with 22, and QB Jordan Love had his own in-season revitalization with a 24-point outing. Due to their method of travel, though, the Flyers unfortunately couldn’t check any bags, with the left-behind luggage perhaps containing the scoring output from the likes of Bill Croskey-Merritt and Zay Flowers. With the Factory powering to a 159-115 win, they now hold a 2-game lead on the division and remain the lone unbeaten in the NHL at 5-0.

With advents like the UFL’s sky judge and the addition of the NXL Field Ultimate, I think it’s high time everyone got on board with one overarching head referee that watches on from afar. Sure, someone can get thrown out of the Tampa Open for violating the 5-pod rule and “Toronto” can determine if the puck truly crossed the goal line, but why stop at video review for clarifications, missed calls, and player ejections – why can’t the Eye In The Sky penalize or throw out refs who routinely make bad calls? Furthermore, why only limit it to one sport? We all sit at home on the couch and do the same job for free already, just without any actual influence, effect, or outcome, so I think we should just make it a lottery and anyone can win the official position for like a week or two. Imagine how it could be – Joe Binglebop from Dawson Creek, or Danny Whosits from Brooklyn, or my cousin Ricky sitting at the controls of a Predator drone, orbiting high above the World Series, just in time to see three blown calls in a row – they phone it in, and 30 seconds later, here comes Wes McCauley and Mike Chioda to forcibly remove C.B. Bucknor from the stadium for calling yet another bullshit balk. Oh, I can dream….

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

With cooler weather setting in, the first few flurries have already begun to fall from the heavens here in good old Saskatchewan. For me, that signals a few-week warning before the first major snowfall of the year, giving me ample time to prepare for the coming influx of upcountry degens (probably from Spiritwood) into town on their characteristic obnoxious, slow-moving, ear-splitting, fume-belching two-stroke sleds. I already know they’ll spew dip spit in the urinals, oil smoke down Main Street, and sexist jokes at our local barmaids, but with the ongoing diesel tariffs, I’ve already had it up to here over the summer with them driving their lifted stinky trucks into town and “rolling coal” on the back of the Premier allowing everyone to fill up with the red-dye off-road juice to defeat the Ruskies. This means that I’m already in full Degen Defcon 2 and nearly finished with my winter preparations, but I had to take a little time over the weekend to track all the NHL Week 6 action.

Kicking off another week of interleague play, Rockme Mama hosted the Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar as they embark on another week of the travelling speaking circuit. After a few warmup acts, the Seminarians brought in plenty of guest speakers making compelling points, starting things out with a legal lecture from the firm of Burden, Kittle and McLaughlin, F.P.S.. Next to take the podium was RB Chubba Hubbard (19), followed up by RB Jonathan Taylor (20). RB Bayshal Tuten (23) gave a rousing lecture, but newly acquired keynote speaker QB Tyler Shough (25) had the most compelling arguments on the day. Rockme only provided a light audience, with none but RB D’Andre Swift (22) paying close attention, while WR Chris Olave (14) took a few notes but spent most of the time looking at his phone. TE Juwan Johnson didn’t even bother to attend, while Tyler Loop, Braden Mann, and the whole Texans D/ST unit walked in, signed the attendance sheet, and walked right back out again. The Seminarians take a crushing victory with their convincing arguments, 169-75, earning them another dub as well as ownership of The Belichek/Carroll Memorial “Run Up The Score” Award, saddling the Rockme Boys with ownership of the requisite “Soda Can” Award for the massive scoring gap – perhaps fittingly assigned to a contest featuring a team who is actively campaigning against the gender wage gap, but then again, what do I know?

Since we mentioned one half of the Holdens, let’s jump over to the other, with Ranger Flyer on the road against the Council of Steel. After a strong start to the season, the Lone Rangers might have to hit the “eject” button to avoid a crash landing, as evidenced by TE Tyler Warren bailing out early and missing this contest. WR DK Metcalf (20), QB Jordan Love (21) and WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba (25) all fought valiantly to keep the Rangers above the clouds in this contest, but the Council still managed to shoot them down with a surface-to-air missile displaying some impressive nose art – a hand-painted picture of RB Kenneth Walker (27). QB Kirk Cousins (19) gave the order to fire on the enemy, and TE Colston Loveland executed the fire mission with exceptional precision, scoring a direct hit (as well as 18 points) against the enemy. The Lone Rangers continue their 3-game tailspin, as the Council score a 122-112 win, bringing both teams to 3-3 on the year.

Loose transition with vague military theming, you say? Alright then, how about the Destroyers, who anchored in the middle of the Great Lakes so they could take a shot into the dairy heartland that Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese calls home? Much like the “dairy” in their “cheese”, the Krafties are kind of on the edge of the what’s actually considered a successful squad, with the efforts of QB Jayden Daniels (22) and the Broncos D/ST (18) being the only ingredients worth consideration in this artificial goop that calls itself a cohesive unit. The Destroyers opened fire with a 15-point salvo from the Packers D/ST and 16 shells (artillery shells, not the macaroni variety) from WR CeeDee Lamb, before following up with an 18-gun barrage from QB Josh Allen. WR Matthew Golden (22) rose through the ranks and earned himself a field promotion to rear admiral, and inspired the rest of his group to push on towards victory, battering the Krafties even further to earn a 119-100 victory in battle. The Destroyers have now sunk four combatants with just two losses, while the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys put up the white flag for the fifth time already in this young season.

Speaking of seasons, it’s about time for deer season, which means that the Hillbilly Blitz front office has probably already checked out until Christmas. That was good news for the Nerd Herd, who had to play host the Blitz this week. That said, the Nerds are also planning to thin the antlered Herd this week, but they took an analytical approach, starting off with K Tyler Bass dialing in 17 degrees of windage on his scope. The Steelers D/ST and QB Brock Purdy are both confident that they can take down a state-record 18-point buck this fall, while RB James Cook (23) is getting ready to live up to his name and prepare more venison steaks than you can shake a stick at. WR Germie Bernard, however, (who the hell is this guy and where did he come from? -W.) is the man to talk to, as his pack of 25 hunting dogs are a virtually guaranteed route to success for any sportsman on this side of the Mississippi. The Blitz can’t see the forest for the trees, nor could they figure out where to put their tree stands, as RB R.J. Harvey setting his up only 14 feet high earned him a ticket from the game warden. QB Patrick Mahomes and the whole Ravens D/ST all have to share a 13-by-13 blind, which isn’t a recipe for success, and K Evan McPherson just took the week off so he could get a jump start during the archery-only days. The Council romp to a 131-72 win, while the Blitz fall to 2-4 and “earn” joint ownership of The Little Sisters of the Blind “Wimpy, Wimpy, Wimpy” Award for the (tied) lowest score of the year.

Another team on the slide is Franco’s Italian Army, who were looking to turn things around on the road against BlahBlahBlah. The Francophiles scampered up their Sisyphean hill early on, led to new heights by the likes of QB Bryce Young (20) and K Chris Boswell (18). They didn’t make it too far up, however, before that mythical boulder began to squash them back down, and the Killer B’s started to swarm. TE Hunter Henry (14) was the first lone sting, followed up by QB Matthew Stafford (16) causing a bit of a reaction. The Chiefs D/ST (21) quickly joined in on the attack, bringing the B’s back to well within striking distance. Stud RB Christian McCaffery (30) was the final blow, crushing the Francophiles under the weight of a 121-110 win for the B’s, who move to 5-1 and retain the top spot in the Wayne. Meanwhile, FIA falls to 1-5 and are now the sole cellar-dwellers in the Keenan.

Since we mentioned top spot AND the Keenan (plus the fact that we’ve already covered five games), let’s take a look out our primetime matchup featuring NoKe hosting division-leaders Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory, who were putting their undefeated record on the line. The Munchkins have suddenly become a little banged up and had some bye week problems to boot, leaving the likes of QB Drake Maye (22) and WR Malik Nabers (28) to provide the bulk of points production for the near future. Unfortunately, the Czonka Csubstitutes did not hold up their end of the collective bargaining agreement this week and went on an Czcoring Cztrike, leaving the door open for NoKe. Despite the Czolidartiy protest from Cam Skattebo (or was it Czkattebo? -W.), the two-headed monster of NoKe made the most of the efforts from the duo of WR Emeka Egbuka and QB Caleb Williams, who both netted 17 points. With support from RB Ashton Jeanty (15), the tight end named Isiah (23) kept the win a Likely outcome, pushing NoKe to a 112-97 result and knocking off the lone remaining NHL unbeaten. 

As we hurtle towards the halfway point in the season, I’m hurtling towards my date with destiny where I’ll hopefully send a few of these uncouth hay-slingers hurtling off their SnoCats. I have once again got my camouflaged skinning shack/tree stand combo set up on the big trail to the north of town, and it’s ready for an ambush – my neighbors Jaques and Marcel have agreed to help out this year by taking up defensive positions in the treeline where they’ve already stashed some spare hockey sticks to lay down some hurt when we spring our trap. Cousin Ricky, on the other hand, told me that as much as he enjoys snapping a twig over a degen’s head mid-brawl, he’d rather stick to his old tried-and-true upcountry repellant method. I saw his truck parked next to his favorite phone pole on the main road into town, so I can only imagine his tree stand and BB gun are in place and ready for action. All we have left to do is string some steel cable across the other backcountry trails and we’ll be all set for the inevitable invasion – I’m brimming with excitement at the chance to bash some degens, and the only thing that’s got me more fired up right now is the anticipation of what’s going to happen next week in the NHL playoff race.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

The “seven-year itch” was around long before the 1955 Marilyn Monroe flick bore the idiom as its name, but I’ve never been one for tradition. I somehow managed to speed it up by an exponential factor, making it almost exactly seven months past the date of my nuptials before I found myself serving my awful ex-wife with papers. Granted, I wasn’t the one with the itch – I walked in on her in a compromising position in the company of our local large animal vet, which given how many times she had alterations made to her wedding dress, may have just been a genuine misunderstanding on his part on what he was there to do. A month later, I filed the application for a Certificate of Divorce, the vet had relocated his practice to Moose Jaw, and she found herself contending with an itch of a different sort, so I had the last laugh. The NoKe front office set out to break my 1998 record this week, however, making a case for the first documented example of the seven-week itch, organizing two separate multi-player trades to reshape their roster. First, they found willing trading partners in the Seminarians, who bid farewell to RB’s Jeremiyah Love and Bayshal Tuten in exchange for RB’s Cam Skattebo and Ashton Jeanty. Not quite satisfied with their new look, they brokered another exchange with Csonka crew, sending RB Josh Jacobs and WR Emeka Egbuka to the Factory floor while WR Malik Nabers was on the move for the second time this season, now over to Team Double Trouble. And I though my ex-wife moved on quick…

With all that out of the way, let’s run our slate of interleague action from bottom to top. Unfortunately for them, that means we’re kicking things off with the tweaked Torrence Ivy Hatch Jr. Gender Studies Seminar on the road against Love Me Some Kraft Cheese – it’s a good thing they don’t charge by the letter when the league lets the GM’s rename the teams. Fresh off his New York benching for his Week 5 misadventures, Skat was eager to impress his new coaching staff, but found himself going by the wayside in favor of fellow transplant RB Ashton Jeanty, whose 21 points paced all backs for the Seminarians. WR Luther Burden (23) was the only player to take up even more of the slack, while RB Jonathan Taylor (18) also tried to make the divisions of both labor and gender more equitable. They couldn’t spread the load as evenly as a melty Kraft single though, as evidenced by figurehead TE Tucker matching the point total of his QB and his lowest-scoring RB at 14 a pop. WR George Pickens (15), RB Jaylen Warren (16), and RB Braylon Allen (19) all exceeded that total but not by too much, ensuring silky-smooth coverage from edge to edge of the bread…err, the field. WR Jameson Williams dropped a 26-point flavor bomb as the final accoutrement, giving the Krafties their second win of the year, 140-122, and somehow FINALLY lifting them out of last place in the league standings.

From the bottom of the Wayne, we move to the bottom of the Keenan, where Franco’s Italian Army were also looking to get out of the divisional basement and pick up the second win of their campaign on the road against Rockme Mama. Team Rockme was all about the ground game in the early going, with a little mustard from Bijan (16), the Swift feet of D’Andre (18), and the all-purpose output of Rhamondre Stevenson, whose 22 points are good enough to justify me not making a pun. The Rockme boys added a late scoring push from QB Dak Prescott (21), hoping that would be enough to seal the deal against the Francophiles, who had gotten out to a slow start. After predictable scores from the special-teamers and a dud from Bryce Young, WR Tee Higgins (26) kept the hope alive for the Italian Army, who got additional close air support from RB Kyren Williams (17) and WR Puka Nacua (21). The calvary came to the rescue in the late window, led by RB Javonte Williams, whose 21 points put the Francophiles just over top of the enemy, earning them a 126-119 win for victory #2 this year – but still not quite enough to get them off the bottom of the Keenan. Spoilers for our next matchup?

Eeh – yes and no. The Council Of Steel hosted Hillbilly Blitz next, and much like the previous contest, the Blitz jumped out to an early lead, helped along by 21 points from RB Bucky Irving and 17 more from WR Jamarr Chase. Those efforts were greatly undermined, though, by a shockingly bad performance from the Ravens D/ST and their -2 score, which should have been good enough for some hardware – more on that later. With no other player breaking into the (positive) double digits, the Blitz had left the door open for the Council, who had kept things reasonably close in large part due to the impressive efforts of TE Colston Loveland (19) and RB Tony Pollard, who carried the team with 35 points in a 100+yd, 3-TD day. The Council passed a binding resolution to increase the scoring budget, with the biggest contributor being QB Kirk Cousins with an additional 20 points, and the Council were able to secure a 111-81 win over the Blitz, who manage to stay off the bottom of the Keenan due to tiebreakers, but now reside at the bottom of the league rankings.

Next up, the wheeler-dealers of NoKe were eager to try out their new toys against the visiting squad of Ranger Flyer, and….what’s this? All those new acquisitions, and only WR Malik Nabers is in the lineup? Fair enough, Tuten is on a bye and Love is dinged up, and Nabers did notch 18, so I’ll give them a pass on this one. WR Drake London bested the newcomer’s score with 19, proving he’s still the top target for a newly healthy QB Caleb Williams (22), and RB Jahmyr Gibbs (16) made sure that the opposition still had to respect the run – even if he got no help from Aaron Jones. The Lone Rangers went for a classic up-and-down, boom-or-bust strategy that’s the signature move of the Todd Squad, and while the dips in the flight pattern might have put Cade Otten and Ryan Fitzgerald (no, the kicking one, not Fitzmagic) into G-lock, the peaks had these boys Flying high above the clouds. The Bengals D/ST posted 15, QB Jordan Love managed 17, WR Zay Flowers bloomed with an impressive 27, and WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba continues to be the biggest headache for shutdown corners and dyslexic sportswriters alike as he converted 9 grabs for 150 yds and a TD into a 31-point outing. Ranger Flyer rolls to a 123-104 win over the new-look NoKe, and both teams remain well within striking distance for a playoff spot at 4-3 each.

Speaking of those playoff spots, both BlahBlahBlah and the visiting Destroyers looked to keep a firm grasp on their claims to their tickets to the postseason as they faced off. The Destroyers built an early lead in this contest with a gaggle of otherwise pedestrian performances, with RB Ollie Gordon’s 17 being the only standout in the early going. RB Emmanuel Wilson added 18 more to weaken the opponent, and WR CeeDee Lamb added 24 more with the hopes that it would crush the competition. The Killer B’s swarmed early, with double TE’s Hunter Henry and Brock Bowers’ attacks bolstered by more pain from QB Matthew Stafford (16) and RB Christian McCaffrey (21). The Chiefs D/ST and K Brandon Aubrey (14) added a few more perforations to the protection, but they didn’t quite have the sting the B’s needed, as the Destroyers were able to topple BlahBlahBlah with a 124-115 result, with both teams now holding a 5-2 record – but crucially for both, still safe in playoff contention.

Speaking of 2-TE lineups (and with only one game remaining to cover, more importantly), let’s take a look at our primetime matchup featuring Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory on the road against the Nerd Herd. The Munchkins were another squad who ran a two tight end set this week, but their two tight ends produced vastly different results – Tyler Higbee might have been better off staying at home, while Trey McBride, to the surprise of absolutely no one, had the second-highest score on the team with 27 on the back of a score and well over 100 receiving yards. QB Drake Maye was the only player to best that mark with 28, while WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (24) also contributed to the passing game, as did WR Devaughn Vele (16) and fresh acquisition RB Josh Jacobs (19), whose 5 catches for 55 receiving yards and a TD eclipsed his rushing totals. The aforementioned Higbee and K Dominic Zvada got off easy this week, though, as this front office will surely be directing all their wrath this week at the Panthers D/ST, who somehow bumbled their way to a -3 score, securing drawA “nataS liaH” ehT for the worst single-game performance of the year. This left the door open for the Herd, who came thundering in early with 80 in the early window, led by 22 points from RB Quinshon Judkins, who had a career day, finding the end zone twice. The Nerds then started to direct traffic after crunching the numbers, and even though WR Tre Tucker added 21 more with 5 catches for 103 and a score, he dropped 7 more of his targets, and the Nerds failed to run a break-even analysis on the remainder of the contest, meaning they came up a little short at the time of asking. The Factory Freaks generate a 129-110 win here, bouncing back to 6-1 and staying on top of the league standings.

With seven games in the books, we’ve basically hit the halfway point of the regular season, so instead of the usual trite nonsense, let’s take a wide-angle look at the season thus far. Looking at the pre-season projections, I’ll start with the ones I think I got right, since I have a very fragile ego and require constant validation. Putting NoKe on top at 10-5 with the best playoff and championship chances still seems perfectly viable to me - even though they currently sit at 7th overall with the 5th worst offense, they’re only one game back right now and are still sitting on my top rung with a perfect 100 power ranking. Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory is actually outperforming my early expectations, as so far they’re beating their projected #3 spot and currently boast the best offense in the league. The Destroyers are right up there too, sitting at 5-2, and the Council Of Steel have smashed my bottom-rung projections and are in the thick of the wild-card race, but no one has outperformed my early season grades more than BlahBlahBlah. I had them at 6-9, the second-lowest power ranking score, and just a 5% chance to make the playoffs, but they have climbed into the top four and stayed there since Week 2. With a top-5 offense and a muddled midfield in the Wayne, the B’s are poised to make possibly the best-ever single season turnaround in NHL history. With that impressive over-performance, that means we need some underachievers, and while there’s some likely suspects in that group, the biggest surprise so far (despite the struggles of Hillbilly Blitz) has easily been Rockme Mama. I had them at #2 going into the season, with a 9-6 record and nigh-identical to NoKe 78/29 playoff/champ odds, and a 98 overall power ranking to boot. Despite featuring one of the better offenses in the Wayne, the Rockme boys have been BRUTALIZED by their opponents, the only team so far to face more than 1,000 points – over 100 more than the next-hardest schedule thus far, and an average of 151.57 PA/gm (Ranger Flyer and FIA are the only other teams even close, both facing an average of roughly 131 PA/gm while everyone else is in the 120’s or better). Due to this unfortunate turn of events completely outside of their control, Team Rockme find themselves floundering at 2-5, and despite still being ranked 8th, suffer a further insult at the moment by being buried under a divisional tiebreaker to golfing buddy GM Kirk’s squad, who have sadly (for them) mostly lived up to expectations. A 7-8 record and 13% playoff chances now seem more than optimistic for the Krafties, but my 1% champ odds and 79 OVR power ranking seem fairly accurate – I just didn’t have them pegged for the true cellar dwellers they have been so far. With the third-worst offense in the league (worst in the division) and facing an average point differential of -12, it’s actually a surprise that they’ve won two games, not lost five. Speaking of point differentials, while no team with a losing record has an average positive point differential (the Seminarians are the closest at -0.85 pts/gm), there is a winning team with a negative point differential, as Ranger Flyer have managed to grind their way to a 4-3 record despite an average point differential of -1.85 pts/gm…you know the Todd Squad will never give up, no matter the circumstances, and that’s what I love about them. Mr. Piper appears to have been more right than wrong this preseason as well – so far it looks like he’s two for three, recognizing the sleeper potential in the B’s draft day roster, and predicting a 4 in the Seminarians’ record, although that’s looking a lot more like 4-11 than 11-4.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider

Another ooky-spooky Halloween weekend is in the books, although it’s not without problems for yours truly. I thought I’d be the number one trailer in the park this year, and decided that just offering a bowl of candy to the youngsters wouldn’t cut it. Yes, I grabbed a couple bags of variety sweets from the Canadian Tire, but on the night of, I decided to fire up the grill out back and dole out a few hot dogs to the parents as well, plus a cold one out of the cooler for the dads and a selection from my impressive airplane bottle collection for the moms. Unfortunately for me, I decided to tap into the airplane bottles around sunset, and I think I got a little crossed up – the bags of candy are still sitting unopened on my counter along with the packs of buns, so I fear that I might have been handing out loose frankfurters to the kids on Saturday night. To make matters worse, the leftovers were supposed to be dinner for me over the next couple of nights, so it looks like it’s liquid lunches and sugary suppers for the rest of the week…oops.

Since we started off last week at the bottom, this week, let’s go straight to the good houses that give out the king-size candy bars before they’re all gone. BlahBlahBlah assembled a motley crew that mostly just consisted of guys wearing ski masks and carrying pillowcases, trying to get as much candy as possible, but TE Brock Bowers (28) at least put in some real effort with his elaborate and punny “Bower Rangers” getup. Stefon Diggs, Ryan Flournoy and Brandon Aubrey all attempted to dress up like the Wiggles, but that’s just three guys in T-shirts, so it wasn’t too creative. Maybe the B’s should have dressed up like Vegas showgirls to complement the old-timey Vegas highroller gambler vibe that Larry Csonka’s Touchdown Factory went for, and boy, did they gamble in this one. With Lamar Jackson dressed up like one of those crisis volunteers with the broken leg for disaster training, and Emeka Egbuka trapped in the blue medical tent the local Haunted House Of Horrors, the rest of the team had to roll the dice. K Tyler Bass (17) went with the niche costume choice of Daniel Negreanu, the winningest Canadian poker pro of all time, while TE Trey McBride (20) went with the classic option of Nick The Greek. RB Josh Jacobs (22) had a similar idea, but mixed in some football flair with his combination Alex/Archie Karas outfit, while the Buccaneers D/ST (25) stole the show, each member of the unit dressing up like a character from Casino. With the chips down, bets off, and the ball in the roulette wheel, everything came good for the Munchkins, who despite some key injuries, escape with a 125-98 win. Riverboat Ron would be proud.

Next up at the costume contest, Council of Steel QB Kirk Cousins (27) went with his built-in costume, dressing up as his iced-out alter ego Kirko Chainz. RB Tony Pollard (26) kept the theme going with his Flava Flav costume, while WR Demario Douglas (16) completed the trifecta with his Mr. T look. WR Christian Watson (17) had possibly the best executed costume, showing up as a magician before genuinely disappearing from the show, only to reemerge in a grand entrance. Not wanting to be outdone, Destroyers K Will Reichard (0) attempted an Invisible Man costume, but it was so good that no one saw him…or was he ever really there? RB Emmanuel Wilson claimed he had the same idea, but everyone knew he just didn’t show up in the first place. With the best indie wrestling character of all time off the table, QB Josh Allen (27) had to settle for second best, forgoing the Fire God for a week to become the Indie God himself, Matt Cardona. WR Matthew Golden (20) also drew inspiration for the disappearing/magician gimmick, dressing up as Criss Angel in full Mindfreak regalia, and TE Mike Gesicki (17) just went for the classic tophat, wand and fake rabbit deal. The Council got more votes from the audience in the end, and they win the costume contest by a score of 134-117.

The Seminarians decided to host a little shindig at their place, only to get upstaged by the visiting crowd from the Nerd Herd. RB James Cook (18) leaned into the name and showed up dressed as the Swedish Chef, while TE Harold Fannin (23) and the Steelers D/ST (21) did the whole “Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay” routine, complete with multiple prison guards. Nothing could beat QB Joe Burrow’s (39) efforts, however, as the self-proclaimed Seinfeld superfan pulled off a Kramer costume for the ages. The hosting Boosie Boys (and Girls) did their best (dressed) to impress, as RB Chubba Hubbard (24) did a good job putting together his genderbent Xena Warrior Princess getup, and WR Luther Burden (18) was at least creative with his Luther Vandross costume (I mean, come on…“She’s A Super Lady?” “All The Woman I Need?” The “If This World Were Mine” duet with Cheryl Lynn? Talk about gender studies… -W.) QB Bo Nix (16) at least got into the spirit, dressing up as Ms. Pac-Man, but that got a lukewarm reception. The Herd were the stars of this show, taking a 148-105 win.

The always wheeling and dealing NoKe decided to have a friendly contest with Franco’s Italian Army to see who could fill up their plastic novelty pumpkins with the most candy, and the two-headed monster thought that they had a winning strategy by targeting certain streets. First, RB Bayshal Tuten hit every house on Jacksonville Ave, grabbing 29 pieces of candy, while RB Jahmyr Gibbs bravely volunteered to cover 8 Mile, his efforts rewarded with 24 more. The Rams D/ST worked their way through the giant houses in the Hollywood Hills, adding 21 more full-size candy bars (obviously, it’s the Hills) to the total. The Francophiles instead relied on strength in numbers, making sure they knocked on every door to guarantee they picked their own neighborhood clean. Jameson Williams and Bryce Young didn’t have a lot of luck over on the other side of the tracks, but WR Puka Nacua (25) covered the main drag through town and was handsomely rewarded. WR Michael Wilson (26) went down each of the side streets and found pay dirt, but it was WR Tee Higgins that made out the best, going door-to-door on every cul-de-sac in town and snagging 37 sweet treats in the process. With both piles of confectionary dumped out on the table, the Francophiles’ towered over the opposition’s, with a final count coming in their favor, 148-107.

Another pair decided to have a little challenge to see who got the best Halloween haul, as two noted Packer Backers, Love Me Sum Kraft Cheese and Ranger Flyer, decided to compare candy totals as well. They must have been trick-or-treating in a rougher part of town than the others, because when they dumped their bags out on the table, they BOTH somehow managed to find an apple with razor blades stuck in it (K. Cheese punter Ryan Rehkow and Ranger F. kicker Nick Folk both had a -1, and both special teamers…weird). Krafties K Jason Myers and the Broncos D/ST both came back boxes of raisins, but at least WR Jameson Williams and TE Tucker Kraft both came back with 17 fun-size chocolate bars each. RB Jaylen Warren returned with 20 packs of Skittles, and RB Braelon Allen picked through quite a few candy bowls and got 22 single Reese’s Cups – pretty good. Ever the boom-or-bust group, the Todd Squad definitely got some duds – Zay Flowers got a toothbrush at the dentist’s house, JK Dobbins got circus peanuts, DK Metcalf got a bag of popcorn that wasn’t even popped yet, and Jeremy Crenshaw got licorice. WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba did pretty good, though, with 23 tasty treats, and QB Jordan Love also cleaned up with 22 more. The Jaguars D/ST had the best haul of the bunch, bringing back 34 candy bars, most of them full size! Despite that big addition, the Krafties managed to bring home the bacon, 115-92…no, really, someone gave George Pickens a couple pieces of warm bacon wrapped up in tinfoil. Not the worst thing you could get on Halloween from someone’s house, but it wouldn’t be my first pick.

Finally, with big post-Halloween wins pretty much off the table for both squads, Rockme Mama and Hillbilly Blitz decided to lean into the “trick” part of trick-or-treat, and set out to cause as much havoc as they could on the last evening of October. Omar Cooper got cold feet and Treyveon Henderson stayed home sick, but the rest of each squad were determined to put the town on notice. The Rockme Boys started out their mischief with the Commanders D/ST (19) working together to spray some cars parked in driveways with silly string, while QB Dak Prescott went on a single-handed rampage and egged 20 different houses throughout the night. RB D’Andre Swift picked a big fish for himself, managing to toss 27 rolls of TP onto the school principal’s house, making himself a local legend for years to come. Not to be outdone, the Blitz also went for some high-value targets, starting out with RB Bucky Irving (21) absolutely filling the front lawn of the town hall with plastic forks. QB Patrick Mahomes (26) was even bolder, using the cover of darkness to sneak up and smash the police chief’s mailbox with a baseball bat, but the coup de grâce of the night came courtesy of WR Jamarr Chase (31), who not only managed to get away clean after planting a bag of flaming dog poop on the mayor’s front porch and ringing the doorbell, but got a cellphone video of the mayor himself coming outside and stomping on it. When the sun came up in the morning, the Blitz were victorious in the prank war by a score of 121-107.

That last contest must have been some inspiration for the local bottle kids, who by the way, are still very much active here in the trailer park. I woke up on Monday morning (maybe Sunday afternoon, I had a lot of those airplane bottles) and found my front step and gravel yard completely littered with broken glass and bottle tops, and several fresh dents in my trailer siding – telltale signs that the bottle kids had launched an all-out assault while I was snoozing. If it was only one or two nights a year, I could live with it, but those pesky youths are persistent. I probably hear glass breaking outside at least once a week, and one of those little bastards nailed me with an empty Kokanee bottle last week while he was riding his bike one-handed – I didn’t know they were doing drive-bys now. They sprayed my front door with shaving cream, too, which just adds insult to injury – they all know I can’t grow a beard anymore. It’ll probably take me the rest of the week to clean this mess up, but at least that’ll give me something to do, since by the time I finish, it’ll be time for me to cover the next week of NHL action.

Atom Shuffler

BSPN NHL insider